183: Pete's most unexpected reveal yet!

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1:20It now has a cushioned, bouncy insole with much more arch support, so it's comfortable enough to wear all day and the point comes in so many gorgeous colors, patterns, and textures. Discover the point at rothys.com. That's r-o-t-h-y-s dot com. One, two, three, four. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by two bezies, two bestarinos, two friends of the best caliber, me, Sam Thompson, and Peter, James, Jonathan, and Joseph Wetz.

1:57This is the main episode, which means it's Monday and you will be able to watch this on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Wednesday and then we'll be doing a bonus episode which comes out Thursday audibly, which you can watch on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Sunday, which means you can catch us on a... Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. It just doesn't get old for me. Doesn't get old for you. It gets old for all of you because you look more miserable every week we do it. every week I can see as soon as I start that and you can catch us on our people go but I love it I really love it that's why we'll keep doing it make sure you rate, review follow, do all of that crap you know the score by now there will be swearing in this if you don't like it go f*** yourself and just for anyone I would watch this on YouTube because Sam's beard's coming back oh mate yeah it's taken a while how does it look now?

2:50can you still see the bum? Yeah, you can't miss it. I like it, mate. Nah, it's... I do think that maybe... Because I might be growing my beard out. I can see that happening. Yeah, I might be doing that. I think you need to tan to be clean shaven. Don't have a tan. So maybe during summer, go clean shaven again. Because I actually think it suits you. You've got a lovely jawline. Oh, hello. Yep. Take that and package that up. Send it to mum. Talking of lines, you pretty much hugged the sideline at Soccer Aid. Talk to us about it. Pete, watch me on Soccer Aid, everybody! I'm going to be honest with you.

3:29I was travelling because I was working, so I was sat on a train and I had to get onto the Wi-Fi on the train to watch Sam Thompson as I heard he was starting. Luckily, it was only the 20 minutes that I had to watch for. so I mean why don't you take us through the game I mean we'll get on to the more serious point of you know what you promised and what you didn't deliver but let's let's just talk us through the game you know how were you feeling before kickoff you got a start in position I did I got a start left back sucks though man not keen on left back no no not really mate because you can't do anything you're a left winger I'm a left winger I've got legs and who was who was on the wing instead we had Damson Idris too rapid to be fair.

4:15And scored. And he scored. In his debut. On his debut. And that's all I've ever wanted to do. Lovely finish as well. And I said to Harry Redknapp, I went, mate, get me on the wings. I need to score a goal, please. And he went, mate, you're left back. And I just looked at him and went, what am I, how am I going to influence the game, Hazard, at fucking left back? Yeah. Like, I can't influence shit. I did one back heel and it went out. You were, you were left back on the pitch and then left back in the changing room. And do you know what? and I was the first person to get subbed. Yeah. I'll be honest with you.

4:45I did. As I was watching, I went, oh God. It's so embarrassing. Let's all just be honest. Let's be honest. No one wants to be the first person subbed. Did you make it past the halfway line at any point? Just about. Just about. Just about. What I will say, look for the positives. Yeah. You're quick. I pulled a groin. Was it yours? It was mine. Right. I nearly gave away a penalty. I slid in on some dude. But I did. I did see that as well. I went, I'm going to give this away. And I knew it was going to happen. So I tried to pull out of it as I pulled in. That was the one kind of thing that you did that was a little bit risky.

5:20Very safe. You were a safe pair of hands. A safe pair of hands. You know what I mean? You didn't put a foot wrong, but you didn't really put a foot anywhere. I just didn't do anything. I mean, the part, it was someone passed to you, have it back. Have it back. That's insane. But you know what? Because everyone gets on saying to me, the main thing people said was pass it to a pro. And so I just took that really literally. Or Angry Ginge or Tom Grennan, who are basically pros anyway. Just pass it to the people who are getting 90 minutes. Not that I'm bitter. I'm fine, honestly. No, no, no, no, absolutely.

5:51But look, let's get down to the crux of this. How in fuck's name did you think you were going to score from left back? The moment he said you're left back, I went, well, I've lost that fucking bet. It was so, do you know what? Being, soccer is a fucking beautiful thing in the world, right? but it's so awesome. But Pete, being told you're left back at school sucks when you're playing a sport, right? And then someone goes, right, you're in defence and you're not even like centre, but you're left back. Your heart drops. When Harry Redknapp's telling you you're left back, you literally go, for fuck's sake, I don't know what I'm going to do.

6:25I'm not going to fucking score. I'm not going to get past the halfway line. And then you get subbed off first. And you're just like, this is so embarrassing. I felt so bad, but it was obviously nice. Did it dampen the blow that it was Tom Hiddleston? He did a little bit because then I've got to give him a massive hug and I was like, go on, you go and do it. He got even less. Yeah, yeah. And I could tell you when he came off, he was like, fuck. I mean, look, you didn't do bad. Yeah. Just didn't do. You didn't do much. Didn't do. I think is the thing. Didn't do shit. Dude, Grace Barry went on for like, sorry, Grace Barry went on for about a minute and had a moment.

7:03Well, yeah, I mean, it wasn't a good moment. She had something. Chloe Burrows had a fucking good ball. Chloe DeBurrows. Chloe DeBurrows fucking, it's literally just a through ball. Well, she used to play a little bit when she was younger, apparently. But, you know, she was good. Damson Injury was good. There was some good people there. As a spectator, Sam, what's your analysis of the game? Well, from the bench. What did it look like from the bench? Because from the train TV, I kind of drifted off after you come off. I'll be honest with you. So why don't you give us a rundown of the 70 minutes that you didn't play?

7:37Do you know what, mate? I even went up to Harry Rednick you won't have seen this but I sat myself next to him on the bench I went mate I could definitely go back on I was literally like if you need me back on I can feel fresh is it a role in subs thing? it can be yeah oh so there was an opportunity you could have got back on you still didn't and he didn't get me back on oh fuck me Wayne Rooney went back on and Wayne went on but I went Harry I can do it too I was like I feel really fresh at the moment I can go back on he went yeah mate Sam we'll use you when we get to you mate we've got a few more people to sub on and I literally sat there next to him and be like genuinely mate feel fresh as a daisy like really could really could go on it's like 80 minutes and I was like I'm warmed up now I could do anything you want I'll go and goal at the moment and he literally went Sam I'm going to be honest to be honest Sam I don't think you're going to go back on I was like no I mean this was your third year how many minutes in total have you played over the three years have you played a half yet I played 45 in the first oh fuck the first one I ever played did 45 in so sorry has it gone downhill it's gone down every time yeah so when everyone was playing they went right Sam why don't you go and sit on the phones

8:43so I'm sat on the phones whilst everyone's doing rolling subs on the bench and I'm like hello can I can I take your can I take your spoke to a lovely guy called John well I mean this is your third year do you think you'll get asked back for a fall I fucking hope so it's everyone's dream to like to if you like football or any sort of sport it's like it's your fucking dream to go out there in front of 60 ,000 people and feel like a footballer it's the most cool thing I mean a 16 year old did it Owen oh he was fucking good wow he's good because he got the ball loads like mate well I'm just saying because he was right back he was right back he influenced the game but he did he did make an impact he did quite a bit but he to be fair he had a really easy person on the right wing okay yeah and I had a side man no no no listen sorry are you just taking away from the 16-year-old boy who made an impact on the game, yet the 34-year-old man on his third appearance.

9:42I know. I'm so bitter. I mean, he was trying to put balls over the top. He was taking it around people. You, here's a three-yard pass. Safe pair of hands, mate. Safe pair of hands. Safe pair of fucking hands. And then you can sense the frustration because just before you got taken off, you tried to two-foot someone. I need to do something. I'll do something, even if it's not good for the team. Fuck it. And then, you know, as well, we had, my girlfriend came, Tally came. I know she was up in the clouds. She was up in the clouds. She was watching the game. And so I come out and I saw you guys up at the top.

10:16And I was like, oh, just waving. I was like, Tally's there. And then she texted me going, so is that you done then? Oh, I can make brunch. Yeah. She's like, is that you done then? I went, yeah, yeah. No, I think that's me. And she was like, oh, okay, cool. Glad I flew back from Miami for that. She went, you did really well. I was like, I know you've lied to me just then. Well, listen, we're going to get on to the other part of it, but let's hope you get a false attempt at a goal. Please do it, Pete. And do you know what? I'm going to throw my name in the hat. Oh, yes! If we're together. It's very unlikely they'll ever have me.

10:51Oh, I don't know. But judging by, I reckon I could have a good go at this. So do I. Where would you want to go? Well, do you know what's mad? you say I used to play right back imagine me and Pete left and right back oh my god I reckon next year we'll do it I reckon next year we're going to put it out there right now so all the soccer eight gods the ITV what you'll guarantee from me is not safety yeah yeah yeah we don't need safety we need double footed tackles we need that me Pete both on the wing backs oh my days imagine that as a as fucking me and Danny Dyer or imagine you're right back it's like Vinnie Jones and John Fashion from the Wimbledon fucking crazy gang.

11:31Danny Dyer sent it back, you right back, me right wing. You feeding me in. Pete, feed me. Feed me. Feed me, Seymour. That would be fucking great. Does anyone know that? Little Shop Harrahs. Little Shop, Little Shop Harrahs, Little Shop. Feed me, Seymour. Seymour butts. Ew. Seymour butts. But the training was good. The chair training was good. Staying Redavant made an appearance. The Wooden Spoon made an appearance. You got so much love. The spoon? The spoon. Well, yeah, Usain Bolt didn't know what the fuck or who the fuck it was. Oh, no, but fucking Tom Hiddleston loved it. What, the spoon? Yeah.

12:08Tom will send one in the post. Provided you come on the pod, because that doesn't count. Everyone was actually like, my God, he's good looking even on spoon form. Chloe Barr as a GK were like, God, he looks unbelievable on the wooden spoon. Yeah, they've seen me in real life. That's why they were surprised. Mate, in true staying relevant fashion. So you've got Joe Marler and his podcast on the right next to us on our left. You have Jill Scott and her podcast on the right. And then we got like this tiny little patch of grass for Staying Relevant. They were like, we didn't have any side or anything like that.

12:39So we just had this tiny, tiny little patch where we were trying to flag people down. Like, Ginge, Ginge, come in. Which is, I mean, it's incredible because this isn't Staying Relevant's first appearance there either. I believe it's the first appearance for Joe Marler's because it hasn't been going that long. and I think it may be the first appearance for Jill Scott's podcast. I think it is as well. So on their debuts, they did a Damson Idris and went straight in there. Fuck's sake. Similarly to you and your experiences with Soccer Aid, pushed right to the side. But that's us. We're little cheeky fuckers.

13:09Oh no. We are. We're little tykes. We dive in there. We do what we need to do, man. And we fly. We fucking get in there. Well, look. Well done again. It is an incredible, it's an incredible thing. It's for UNICEF. It's an amazing thing. and we're very proud of you. Obviously, I'm a little bit late to this. I wasn't in the office on Monday because you did swing by to tell everyone why you didn't score. So now that you've told the office, I feel like you should probably, you know, explain to me and our listeners why you didn't score, what went wrong and what you're going to do about it. Because you did guarantee it.

13:46I did guarantee it. You guaranteed me and you guaranteed the listeners a goal. I think that I took one for the team, played left back couldn't do anything about it tried my best well you could have done saying a bat I mean Cooper did did a lot about being at right back he made a real impact couldn't do anything about it Chloe Burrows ball straight over the top goal scoring opportunity you got five fucking minutes and did more than I do well I just look I'm sorry to everybody I apologise but hopefully there will be next year and there's always another time hopefully to to pull to claw this one back and maybe next year it won't just be me there it'll be both of us and imagine if Pete fucking imagine if Pete scores There's been one card in soccer.

14:23One, there's been one red card. Ben Shepard. No, Ben Shepard. Yeah, he fucking took someone out. Ben takes something seriously. He's a fucking, he's an absolute machine. He's a unit. Well, Grace Barry heard that you guaranteed that, you know, you were going to score. And we were talking about forfeit. Do you think you should shave your head? No, fuck off. Absolutely not. What are you going to do? I am going to... All right, what would you like me to do? Put it in. Sam owes us a forfeit. So I think what you need to do is write in with a forfeit. And we will, when I say we, I will pick the best one.

15:00And Sam will do it. Okay, deal. Deal. But nothing appearance changing. Nothing appearance changing. But anything other than that, I'm in. All right, fine. That's what we're going to do. Oh my God, this is terrifying. So if you want to email us, email hello at srproductions.co.uk with Sam's forfeit for promising and guaranteeing and letting us all down by not scoring a goal. But not only did you do that on Monday, you went and saw Big Mike. I did, I saw Dad. Stole his aftershave. I did. Dad fucking loves you. I miss Big Mike. Oh my God, Dad's literally, do you know what? It kills me that my dad prefers Pete to me.

15:42And do you know what? Dad really, and this is all very serious actually, Dad wants to take you for lunch. Amazing. Dad literally goes, oh, I'll take Pete for that. Why doesn't he come? Are we going to do a little Sunday thing on Sunday? No, he's not here. The week after we could. Let's move it to the week after. Dad would fucking love it. I'm away. Oh, shit. Dad would adore that. Well, let's do a little Sunday roast with Big Mike. Yeah. He always, one of the first things he always comes in, he goes, how's Peter? He always calls you Peter. How's Peter? Peter's good? Peter okay? Everything's good?

16:15Yeah. Yes, Dad. Peter's fucking fine. I'm great, by the way, as well, just to let you know. Pete's fucking fine. What's Pete up to you at the moment? Well, he's filming his dog show. He's got loads of things going on. You know, he may or may not be dating at the moment. Like, he's having a great time. Oh, lovely. Will you tell Pete that, you know, I'm really happy for him. Might as well just suck you off. I'm not bitter. At all. You've come in with some very bitter energy. All right. Just because you didn't get the minutes you wanted. Just because you let us all down and didn't score a goal just because you're not your dad's favourite.

16:49Never going to score. And I don't want to say that you're kind of needy or kind of desperate, but you have also called the office. You fuckers. You bastards. To beg the seven people in the office to like your Instagram videos. It's getting, times are getting tough out there. Times are getting real tough out there. I literally was like, guys, I sent the video in and went, guys, first of all, do you like the video? And I made, I made Pippa go on speaker with everyone and went, guys, can you all watch the video now? And I would like all of your feedback one by one on the video. And then if you would all like it, please, I'd really appreciate it.

17:26Which video was it? It was the one where I made everyone do the viral meme thing. Nice. Yeah. And were you happy with the responses from the team? Yeah, everyone. I got a couple of giggles, a couple of laughs. And I feel like when you're making any sort of video, the most you can ask for is, huh? If you've made someone, if you've made someone at home look at their phone and gone, huh, nice. That's what we're looking for. When we do our shit, right, when we've done weird shit in the past, whatever it may be, which has been massively intense for us, and we're like, fuck, that's hilarious. I can't wait to put that out.

18:00And then I'm like, I'm so excited to see what people think. The most we'll ever get is, oh, that's funny. I would rather people comment, huh, than roll on the floor laughing. Oh, my God, I had to pull over. No, you didn't. Roll on the floor laughing. Do you know what that is? Ruffle. Yeah, no, you didn't. Oh, my God, I nearly fell off the treadmill. No, you didn't. You didn't. You know what I mean? I had to rewire. Oh, I was crying. No, you weren't. You went, oh, that's good. That's fine. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, I feel like it's been quite a negative start to the podcast based on your performance.

18:34So let's ramp it up slightly into, you know, the big things that have been happening this week and not taking away from your performance in Soccer Aid, but Love Island style. Oh my God, Pete just brought it up himself. And as well, I'm a big fan. I've been watching. No, you haven't. No, you haven't. Listen, I'm down with the kids, mate. Because we are supporting Jasmine. Are we still supporting Jasmine? I was lying. I haven't seen it. Are we still supporting Jasmine? Yeah, of course. Okay, what do you want to say? Are we still supporting Jasmine? I'd say so, yeah. Is she giving Queen energy? Yeah, she's giving Baddie.

19:11She's giving baddie. What, like she's a villain? No, like... She's giving ass treats. She's giving sass. She's giving baddie. And has she got a boyfriend yet? She's with Lorenzo. Ooh, exotic. Good looking guy. Okay, all right, good. So we're still team Jasmine. Excellent. Jasmine's smashing it. Go on, Jasmine. We fucking love you. Go on, Jasmine, you sassy, sassy little seashell. You're killing it. Also, you know, obviously we're supporting Maya on her new single journey. And well done, Maya. for stepping out and you know being so great first trapping the world first trapping the world so talk me through you've been watching so I've watched the first episode the first episode of any Love Island is always a little bit can I just actually just say everyone's now doing Love Island watchalongs has anyone noticed that everyone's doing watchalongs we were the first we weren't you came on a few of them no I didn't I was the first never done one Slebs Go Dating we did oh yeah we did a lot of Slebs Go Dating to be fair but mate I watched the first one there's not much to say about Love Island at the moment It takes a while to get in.

20:12If I'm honest, I don't think the starters are that. They're not really giving me all that much at the moment. But Love Run's best after this first week. So you've got to give it a little bit of time to ruminate. And then we'll see what we're looking at. Who are you liking? Other than Jasmine, obviously, because she's our gal. I never understand where people go on fucking Love Run and they say they're a footballer. Because it's like you're not a footballer. Well, neither are you, mate, to be honest. Yeah, but I've played probably more. You played in front of bigger crowds. Bigger crowds. You are.

20:42Oh, my God. I could say I'm an athlete. You're a semi-professional footballer. I'm a semi-pro footballer. I'm a baller, mate. And I'm not joking. There's this guy and he seems lovely and it's got nothing to do with his personality at all. But surely you can come to the stage or to, you know, and you go, this is what I do. Surely you can come with something more than like, I'm a footballer. Because you know you're going to get called out. You know everyone's going to look. Yeah, I don't mean to be disrespectful. but what normally happens is, yeah, so I play football. It means that they are playing for 50 quid a week on a Saturday morning.

21:14Non-league. And actually they're a plumber. Yeah, but just say you're a fucking plumber. Yeah. Like fair fucks, mate. Everyone loves a plumber. What, any, they do. Yeah. Lovely big pipes and that. Yeah. What, is there anyone this year that is, because you always get the same sort of people, is there anyone this year that is selling something unusual? We've had sweets, we've had fish. no I'm a potato salesman no there's nothing so far I sell earbuds there's nothing so far cotton wool salesman something like that none of them weird they're all taking their time there's a guy who's in someone's face quite a bit actually in someone's face yeah there's a guy who like who was like like oh like he's talking to her and then she turns away and turns back and he's literally in her face right and then he's like should we kiss are we thinking he's potentially a stage 5 clinger early doors I think so yeah I would say so and he's like He's like, that's how I would probably play it in there.

22:08So any predictions, early doors? From the first step, if you were to highlight your favourite boy and favourite girl, who would they be? Jasmine, I think, would do the best. Well, that's good because we're supporting her. She's our gal. In terms of the boys, to be honest with you, they're not great. They're not great. Scathing. Scathing review there from the Love Island super fan, Samuel Thompson. Well, now I'm not doing After Sun. Yeah, you can say what you're fucking on. Sam, who's a ****? Yeah, you don't know yet, to be fair. What I think you should do, though, because your watch-alongs were iconic, that's where everyone kind of started doing it, is I think you should announce them now.

22:48So now it should be, I'm going to be watching Love Island this Thursday from 9pm. Follow my Instagram so that people know. Because we need to get you back out there, mate. You know, we need the population, the public, to know that the Sam Thompson Love Island Watch Along unfiltered is back. You know what I mean? You haven't got people telling you you can't say this, it's unfiltered. Listen, he'll tell you the sky is blue, the boy, he ain't going to mess about this time. If he thinks you're a c**t, he's going to tell you. I'll never forget Adam Collard coming on. I'll never forget that moment where I literally had the camera and I'm literally turning around like, oh, there's someone new!

23:28And I was sitting with the head cover and it's just abs at that point. I'm like, oh my God, it's abs. And I'm like, God, he's got amazing pecs. Oh my God, he's got cool tattoos. I went, that's fucking Adam Collard. As I'm like live on the thing, the awkwardness of that entire reveal. And then it's gone out there now. So you can't even delete it or take it down. And you've just got to accept it for what it is. Was fucking wild. But Love Island, going to do a few watch-longs for sure. That's good because as always, you know, I'm unlikely to be watching. but I will potentially tune into a watch along.

24:06Oh! You know, because I want the behind the scenes. You need the gas. I want to know what Sam Thompson's thinking about Love Island. I don't want to hear Lorenzo speak. I want to hear what Sam thinks about Lorenzo speaking. You know what I mean? See, I'm talking about fucking Love Island. Pete's been to the fucking palace. Oh, sorry about... You didn't get an invite this week. Fuck, I didn't realise that was your gaffe. Sorry, mate. Funnily enough, as I was giving my ID, they went oh yeah your mate's here all the fucking time I was expecting to bump into you actually I went to a different palace to you where did you go St James Palace St James all very swanky yeah yeah it was Dogs Trust 135 year kind of celebration and you know the going forward and all that sort of stuff obviously I do quite a lot of work with them and I've got some very exciting things coming up so it was at St James's Palace because patron of Dogs Trust is King Chas no way he's a patron for Dogs Trust So there's a patron and there's four ambassadors.

25:04That's cool. So you've got Charlotte Hawkins. You've got Claire Borden, Ellie Simmons. And you. And me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a question, like a genuine question? Yeah. When you stand next to Claire Borden and like Ellie Simmons, who was a swimmer, wasn't she? She's incredible, yeah, yeah. And you're like all these people and like you're sitting there. Do you, because I get this. Do you ever get imposter syndrome? I would normally. But not with dogs maybe. But not with dogs. Yeah. And not with Dogs Trust because I... Well, I wouldn't say much. Well, yeah, I have their entire show. So actually you feel quite at home there.

25:39So you're literally like, boarding, come here. Yeah. Bring it in. I'm like, yeah, so what have you been up to? I've been at Dogs Trust today, actually. When was the last time you went? You. How many dogs from Dogs Trust? Just two for me. And Foster quite a lot. You? Do you know what I mean, though? Because I remember when I stood there... But I know exactly what you mean. Because if you go, like, for example, like, if you're saying like Soccer Aid, I get it because you're not a footballer, but you've got amazing football, like Wayne Roon, like people like that. Yeah. If I was like, even I'd be like, fucking hell.

26:12Mate, King Charles asked me what I was up to. And I went, um. Well, I see you saying, I mean, I know he's a busy man. It was nice of him to turn up when you were there. Did you not turn up to him when you were there? No, just let us use his palace. Like Airbnb. You know what I mean? It wasn't there. But no, it was nice. It was nice. It was at the palace. So I got all dressed up and that. I had actually gone straight from filming. I was filming at Dogs Trust in the day. So covered in sort of puppy sick piss, you know, shit, and got changed in a kennel into a suit and then had to travel across London on one of the hottest days of the year and wear a tie, which was fun.

26:54So I was profusely sweating puppy piss while sat in the palace. Would you ever take a memento from the palace? I did. Did you? No, Sam, because I'm not a thief. I would. Like what? I would take a memento, like a silver spoon. Like that they serve tea with. Do you not want to go back to the palace? No, no, I do. You're going to be on some sort of watch list now. No, but I would just love you. Come on. You'd pocket something. I've got to be honest with you. Obviously, they're amazing buildings. Do you know what I mean? We had to walk through, I don't know what it was, like a fucking swords all on the fucking walls and fucking all these old muskets and guns.

27:30It's cool. Like even, you know, I'm not like a history type person like you, but it is cool and you don't go to places like that. But it doesn't interest me that much. It's just a big ass. It's a big ass. Do you know what I mean? It's a big ass. You don't nick anything? Honestly, I'm just like, I know that's what, I don't know what do you know what I mean I know it's like a weird I I would find what do I find a bit more I don't know I don't know if there's any like things like that just never I don't know it just doesn't their bathroom had a step up to it it was an old school bathroom it just had a hole in a wooden in a wooden plank well this is the thing because they're not the areas that people live in I think it'd be more interesting if it was in like the living quarters because you'd be like oh fucking hell these are the public areas so I think loads of people have seen it and I know like that sounds really ungrateful, but I'm there for a reason.

28:27I couldn't give a shit if it was in a village hall or whatever else. But then you go to the toilets, fucking urinals. It's like a fucking nightclub pisser. I love the idea. Honestly, he's like six-year-old and I'm like, well, this is just a public bathroom. Do you know what I mean? Like, this is not, I was expecting like, like, you know, go in there, do you know what I mean? There's books on the side, like someone like that, sit down and fucking, you know, have a fucking dump. A Chesterfield with a hole in it. King Charles might have fucking had a dump here. no it's just a fucking public urinal with a cake in it yeah with a fucking yeah with urinal cake in like that's really tickling me it's fucking no different than Nando's do you think I mean like I don't know what you want from me here I can't get that excited about it ooh they've got carpet and a urinal fuck off Pete is left unimpressed by the shitters at the palace no like listen oh fuck no like listen I'm so I hear you do you know what I mean We're so blessed to get to go these places.

29:21But the reason I was there was obviously the important part of it because there's loads. I mean, it's so annoying. I hate being that ****. I can't tell you what's fucking coming up. But there's a reason for it. But they're the public areas of the palace. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like I want to go and see what's on fucking King Charles' bedside table. What do you reckon he's got on his bedside table? Lube and lots of medicine, I imagine. lube just a bottle of lube yeah kicking about yeah yeah I don't know just like some medicine but yes like that would be interesting yeah just watching like a sort of like walking through like a corridor that's roped off so you don't touch what do you want me to what do you think I'm going to do all I want to do is jump the rope see the funny thing is that rope's there for me actually I would fucking I would I would love to explore the palace grounds would be fucking great but you know what I love as well is that Pete like Pete's kind of guy who goes to the palace does what he's going to do there straight for a tequila.

30:21Yeah, well, yeah, it was a lot. Straight for a tequila. It was, do you know what I mean? I saw on your Instagram stories, he's literally at the Palace an hour later, he's got a fucking tequila he's knocking back. Well, it's not even that. Before the Palace, I had three pints of Guinness. I popped in a pub, I was like, I've got 15 minutes here, we're fucking, go on, son. I've thrown back. So, yeah, Jim, and then another Pete who works on the dog show, I took them all to Amazonaco because I haven't been since Sick Gate on New Year's Eve. Yeah. But I was home by half eleven. Fuck yeah. Palace tequila in home.

30:55I have had reports from the other people at dinner who struggled at work the next day. Really? I got home and walked my dogs for an hour and then got up the next day and went to work. But everyone was like, oh, fucking, I'm hanging. We only had a couple. Yeah. They don't get it. Life in the old dog yet. They don't get it. Oh, talk about actually tequilas. What are we doing for the summer party?

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33:02Yeah, we need to start fucking thinking about that. Hot air balloon, just saying. Well, well. Hot air balloon. Not going to give too much away. but there is two summer parties happening. Oh. Yeah. There is a internal us party. In fact, do you know what our summer party is? Kill two birds with one stone. We have been nominated for the Trick Awards again. Now. Which we're going to win. It's very, Sam, we were lucky to win once. We're going to win again. To be a double, are we the champ champ? I don't think so. We are. So we are up for it. Regardless, I have booked a table for everyone. So when I say I booked it, but Sam and I are paying for this fucking table for everyone.

33:50We are all going to the Trick Awards. Yeah. Apart from Annalise, who's on one of her boys' holidays. But all of us, all of us, she's away with her lads, all of us are going to be going, that's our summer party because afterwards we're going to go out. Because it's in the afternoon. So everyone gets to go dressed up and then we're all going to go out. So that is our summer party. With the trophy. Sam. No, come on. We're winners now, man. Sam, we are. Yes, we won. We are now passing this over. To be honest with you, I'll tell you, we'll probably present the wall to someone else. That would be cool.

34:24Imagine we present it to ourselves. We're not going to win. How would we present it to ourselves? We're not going to win. Sam, if we win, what are you going to do? But I know we're going to win. So I'm just going to go up there and I'm literally going to be like, Guys, thank you so much. Like, we're going to go for the hat trick. I'll tell you what. Look, the chance of us winning are so fucking slim, all right? Like, you never win things twice in a row at these awards. Let's be honest. If we win, what are you going to do? Get drunk. If you have to make a speech again. If I lose. What was our speech last time?

34:58What was our speech? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what our speech was, Sam. After you jumped on me at the table and I pretty much piggybacked you to the stage, you got up there and went, oh, Pete. So I think the shock this time, listen, you've already won. The chance that we're not going to win. Have you prepared something this time? No, I like going on the fly. Yeah, but you go on the fly, you get up there, you see the mic, you wave at people and then you go, Pete? Pete has to shuffle forward. So this year, if we win, and when I say this is so unlikely, you can speak. I said this to you last time and you just passed across to me and I thought I didn't have to do anything other than standing in the background.

35:40and then I had to come up with saying, but I think this is on you. Anyway, so that's the first summer party. The second summer party is going to be announced very, very soon. And that doesn't just include the people in this room. There is a very limited number of people able to potentially come to a staying relevant summer party. Yeah. It's very exciting. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I'm saying I do. I'm nodding like I do know what it is, but it's going to be good. It's very exciting. But if you want to come, you have to be quick. My girlfriend called me a grower recently. I went, what the fuck was that?

36:22Yeah, but at least you're a grower. Yeah. Imagine not being a grower or a shower. From what? By the sounds of it, a button mushroom. Mate. It's good. She's happy. You're happy. You're in a committed, loving relationship. And we're all very happy for you. as are we happy for you Gogglebox started mate you're doing it with Vicky again back for our second year of Gogglebox so we started started yeah this week and I mean listen I love working with Vic it's not as hot as it was last year thank god because last year was like a sweat box but yeah back on Gogglebox it's the only time I've really watched TV so I've been through a number of this comes out on Monday so The show comes up on Friday, so I can talk about it.

37:09So we watched a number of different shows, of which I would never normally watch. So it's kind of my... Do you know anything? We watched a bit of Britain's Got Talent. PGT? A bit of BGT, which was nice. Not entirely sure why Simon Cowell is wearing those glasses. He looks like he's been to the dentist. You know, when they put them dentist goals, there's red things on. It's fucking mad. It was a woman spinning fire with her feet. And I must say, very impressive. I love fire. Imagine Peter's a bit of God telling the judge Love a bit of fire Well it was Because there's fire So instantly You go oh fire But then when you actually Think about it If you took the fire away She didn't do much What did she do?

37:47Well she was just sort of Like had things on fire On her feet and that And I was like But if you take that away It's just some bird going Do you know what I mean? Like so Fire makes everything If we were on fire This would be much more Exciting podcast Do you know what I mean? But fundamentally It's just two blokes chatting Yeah You know what I mean? So I was like Is that really worthy? Would my mate King Charles, our mate King Charles, appreciate that? No. It's just some bird fucking kicking about a bit of fire and that. Should we set ourselves on fire? I love fire. Should we get someone in who's like a professional stuntman?

38:23Do you want to know something really mad? You've been set on fire. This is a Pete's Had Many Lives thing. I can fire breathe. Sorry, what? Yeah, I've done a lot of fire work. I'd love fire. We should get a stuntman in for sure. That'd be so fun. And we should literally be like, right, we'll wear like the suits or whatever they make us wear. I'd absolutely love to do it. And we'll literally do like a scene where we're like, ah. Listen, I am well up because I love fire.

38:54Why do you love fire? It's mesmerizing. It is what I'm mesmerizing. It's so captivating. And it's dangerous. I love fire. it was crazy I love water that's why we're so in sync well there you go there you go I'll tell you another thing we watched actually talking of Danny Dyer we watched Rivals yeah what in fuck's name is that do you not like it I can't I don't understand if it's a comedy or if it's a drop it's kind of half it's a bit I don't get it it's a bit half half sort of comedy I don't get it do you not like it I don't get it I love it I don't get it why I watched it like that. I don't get it.

39:37The look of confusion. What's going on here? But I love Danny Dyer. And the girl in it, the, I can't remember her name, Katherine Parkinson, she's a great actress. Like both of them I really like, but in that, it made me feel awkward. Really? Yeah, I mean, listen, they're fucking for fun in there. Really? I mean, oh mate, Danny Dyer's there reading some, like, So basically, let me run you through rivals, guys. So Catherine Parkinson plays a lady called Lizzie, who's an author, and she writes kind of Gini Cooper-esque stuff, so it's a little bit fucking off-through. She's married to an arsehole, and Danny Dyer is a very wealthy man who loves to read her books, knows Lizzie, and they've got this unrequited kind of love.

40:20But he's also married to a woman called Mousy, and she's a c***. Both of these kids are a pair of fucking wallies, so they're both unhappy in their things. Anyway, they've got this kind of little thing going on. so there's a scene where Danny's just reading her book with his derby out and it's quite sexy and the rest of it, by his pool and his little speedos anyway, then the missus goes out Lizzie, the author finds out that she's out and her husband's supposed to be in a place so she pops round to see Danny Dyer then they strip off and they start fucking in the water Jesus and you see Danny's arse You see Catherine's fucking jubblies and that.

41:00It's pretty fucking graphic. And you're like, this is amazing. Then one of his silly kids comes back and she has to hide in the water and she gets all sad because the kid's upset and the mum's, you know, blah, blah, blah. So then he goes to meet her in a meadow, but she'd left her knickers there. So he's all like, all right, darling. He pulls out the knickers and goes, I thought you want them back. She goes, oh, thank you. Then puts them in the pocket. And then she dumps him. Oh. It was quite emotional. Vicky was crying. Oh, as if. No, she was. What I was about... Vicky is so emotional. She cried...

41:37We watched... I'll tell you, this was a bit of a kick in the fucking teeth as well. We watched Dogs Behaving Badly, the nation's third favourite dog show. Not my fucking show. Watched Dogs Behaving... She started crying because her parrot was being mean to a dog. No way. But no, it is fun doing goggles, but you just sit and eat, mate. What would you... I'll be honest with you. Mate, I had fucking popcorn. I had fucking sweets. I had fucking ice pops. I had fucking crisps, fucking dips. I just sat there and ate. I just sat there and ate going. I can imagine that. What am I watching? Yeah, and rivals.

42:13I just couldn't work out. I was emotional or hard. It was fucking odd. How do you think you'd fare in a sex scene? This week's episode is brought to you by Paramount+. The exclusive streaming home of the entire Dutton Ranch story, including the brand new Dutton Ranch. Okay guys, this actually isn't your average sponsorship this week. Paramount have got word of how much you two love the Dutton saga and they have actually sent us something special. I'm going to be honest with you, I'm very excited. This is very you, Peter. I am obsessed with the whole Dutton Ranch saga. Do you know, I do love TV anyway, so I've watched a lot of Yellowstone obviously and then Dutton Ranch is very much better.

42:54Rip and Beth are like my favourite characters. 100%. I mean, you're very weird. I will take that from you. I can already see cowboy hats. Oh, Pete loves a cowboy hat. I am excited for this. There's a letter, Pete. There's a letter. There's a gosh. There's a hoot roaring. There's a tooting shooting. There's a tooting hooting. There's a letter. You have seen it, haven't you? I have, yeah. Have you heard any tooting hooting? No, but we're cowboys now, you know? Well, are we cowboys? Yeah, we're hooting and hooting. I would say I am a secret cowboy. I very much like the idea of living and working on a ranch.

43:27Yeah. Much more than podcasting. I think it's very much more suited to me. We have tried things like this before. We have. How did that go for you? I think I handle the farm animals really well. Obviously horses and me getting along really well as well. Yeah, because you've always wanted to do the kind of horse riding. So we did do it when we were in Colorado. We did. Yeah. And I was great. Well, yeah. Yeah, really good. Thank you very much. Galloped, canted, trotted. Didn't mean to, though, because your horse bolted and you screamed for me. Then he went, and they went, yeah! His horse went, bah!

44:00Outfit-wise, listen, like I said, style-wise, I think... What people don't, I think, get when you look at kind of Yellowstone and the whole Dutton Ranch thing is actually you can take a lot of styling's bow from that. Oh, yeah. The jeans, the boots, the belts, the hats, the everything. You've tried it before. I have indeed. It didn't work out that well. I looked a bit more like the Milky Bar kid. when you think cool cowboy you think rip you think John Dutton you think Casey you look like Woody but we have a letter here and I feel like this because I also actually am a bit of a fan myself I just can't I just don't wear it as well as you whilst you read the letter can I jump in yeah go on have a little mosey yeah okay excellent hello Sam hello Pete we caught wind that you boys are Dutton Saga super fans so we thought we'd send you a bit of swag in celebration of the release of the new chapter in the Dutton story, Dutton Ranch.

44:52And hey, we have a question. Sam, Pete, we want to know which of you has the strongest Rip Wheeler energy? I mean, we can discuss it. I don't think it'll take long. The worst thing is Pete's hat actually fits it. Which one of us has the strongest Rip Wheeler energy? Wait, give me a sec. I wonder. Yeah, yeah. I wonder. We've got glasses. The glasses, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is very cowboy. Well, this is the Rip Aviator. Very iconic.

45:26Just making sure. What are you making sure of? Just making sure it's real leather. What else is in there other than the belt? Oh, we've got some work gloves. Nice. Yeah, give me the work gloves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take the work gloves. On you go. Yeah. But you right now, do you know who that's giving? Who? John Dutton. Yes, it is. Kevin Costner. When he becomes Governor, when he becomes Governor Dutton. Yeah. Do you know what? I've just got things. I have cattle to ranch. Right now, is that what they say, ranch? You've got to ranch some cattle? Yeah. I've got to rustle some cattle. Yeah, I'm not entirely sure you've done that.

45:57I love these. What have you got there, mate? Some jerk. Yeah, the jerk's for you. See, nice. See, yeah. No, yeah. Ruined it there. But in terms of who gives the best Rip Wheeler, I think it's fairly obvious, isn't it? You know what I mean? Rip is a strong, strong man. anything that needs handling Rip sorts out and actually he's got such a loving heart the way him and Beth are that's exactly how a relationship should be I completely agree ride or die and I think there's probably just one more thing to do really I suppose isn't there talking about horses how would you ride yours I'm probably a two a two handle on the that's not the cowboy way because there's different ways to ride they ride western this is western no western so basically western it reigns with one hand alright well give me a ride So effectively, because you need your other hand and you can just trot along.

46:48Yeah. And then, right, galloping. Well, but that's not how you did it in Colorado, is it? This was you galloping. Pee! Pee! Yeah! So Paramount Plus is the only place to watch every episode and every dramatic chapter of the Dutton story. With five epic series of the saga, there's a whole world to unpack. and Dutton Ranch is streaming now with new episodes landing every Friday. Yeehaw! How would I fare? Yeah. I'd finish. Would you actually like... I don't know, I'm not an actor. Would you participate? How would you speak to the person like opposite you? Well, it depends. I'd probably apologise whilst doing it.

47:29Well, yeah, but it depends because presumably, mate, what we'd be doing in a sex scene is acting. Yeah, but you're still... So I'd probably have to do whatever the character required. otherwise that's just porn I just don't know what I'd be like I genuinely don't want to be like what in a sex scene yeah like I don't I think I would get so awkward well this is the thing right so let's pretend we're actors to be honest with you if you watch the pod and you saw the clip on YouTube last week that's too much we there is some acting ability between the between the two of us we're not shy of a little bit of drama so what about you like a role play yeah what about if I give you a little role play go on so Josh come here so so so no We can do it without offending or touching.

48:10Okay. So just imagine one of them's there. So let's pretend you are a bad boy. So you're fresh out of jail. Yeah. You've been inside for three years for aggravated assault and burglary. I've got a f***ing pack in my T-shirt there. Yeah, you're not from the 50s, but that's fine. So, and then your girlfriend's been waiting for you. You've not had sex for three years. Okay. So she's picked you up. She's got you home. Yeah. You're about to embark on a sex. Remember, you're a bad boy. You've not had sex for three years. All right. And this is your missus. She's stuck by you. So give me the attitude of the sex scene.

48:51Because what you can't do, as you mentioned there, is apologise. Right. Just be like. How does the sex scene look? So you walk through the door. The door closes. Yeah. And they want me to have sex with this person. That's in the script, right? Yes. but this is method acting now as well to think daniel day lewis if if you were immersed yourself in that character immerse yourself in being out of jail she's stuck by you all right you've not had sex for three years this is but you're a bad man but i just don't know if i could i think i'd start shagging her leg like no that's weird you start shagging no i wouldn't do that i wouldn't what i mean is i don't think i'd be fluid and and and and you know i feel like i wouldn't be able to do the acting.

49:34I don't think I'd be able to do a shag scene. I just don't think it's in me. I would request them in every scene if I was an actor. But like, you're locking eyes with another actor. Like, who's not your missus? Well, look, I mean, it's obviously not the same, but like, being in close proximity with someone that isn't your missus is, would you find that really difficult? No, but if I'm having to grind. For example, to do like, Strictly, you have to be in really close proximity. That I wouldn't mind. And obviously, you know, a sex scene is kind of... You might have to grab their boob or something.

50:08You're like, I'm so sorry I'm about to grab your nipple. Like, what am I... It's just, I don't know how they... Well, it depends. If they want me to tweak it, I'll have to tweak it. But my point is that you're looking them in the eye whilst grabbing not your girlfriend's boob. What I've always wondered... And thrusting. Well, what I've always wondered when it comes to sex scenes is how much is scripted and how much... Do they take on their own? And how much is it two people discuss and go, let's fucking just go for it and see what happens. And then if you do have a partner, let's say Tally was an actress, you go to the premiere of a film and you have to watch someone just tweak her nipples or whatever you do.

50:48Like, but you're like, how much of this is scripted? Yeah, yeah. And how much are you just going for it? Let me see the script. Do you know what I mean? I need to see every bullet point. Because do they like write out? Do you go a piece? Or is it a case of we just went with it? Because in which case... You are cheating. Is it cheating? It probably is. Well, it's not because you're an actor. It's your job. But... You don't have to take it that far. But if it's not kind of scripted and it's just... Because you hear different people talk about it in sex scenes. And then what I also think, if I was in that position, would I be hard?

51:19This is my question. This is what I'm thinking. Would I get carried away? You're pressed up against them, right? And you're having to thrust and you're having to hold a nipple, right? Like, at what point? Why are you holding the... I don't know, but it's like... Mate, you're talking like it's an udder. I imagine, like, holding some sort of breast. How big is the nipple? I don't know, but it's in, I feel like you're just, you're cupping, right? Let's say you're cupping. And then you are, like, let's say you're, like, you're doing something real raunchy stuff. How do you not get, you know, a stiffy?

51:49Like, what are you meant to... A stiffy? Sorry, like a boner. You're 34 years old. How do you not get stiffy? How do you not get a bonnet? Yeah. I know that some actors put something down the... Do they? Yeah. Clever. To almost like a cup. Yeah. So that you can't feel the fucking... If you do get a fucking rock on, you know what I mean? Because that must be so awkward. Well, yeah. I've always wondered. Do you know what would be really good? When Tom Hiddleston comes on the podcast, we can ask him about how it actually works with sex. It would be nice to actually ask an actor. Yeah. How much is script?

52:31Like how, do you know what I mean? And how much, like what's. Can I ask you a question then, mate? If you were watching a premiere and your missus was doing that and she was an actress and like, you were almost certain that that wasn't in the script. Would you like, would you mention it? Or do you just be like, they're just acting. Or would you be like, you grabbed his ass, pulled it towards you, and started like doing things with him that you've never even done with me? Do you know what? It's really hard to answer because… It's a job. Yeah. But you know she's taken a bit far. So if I'd met someone and she was already an actress, I think I would have to accept that that might be part of a thing.

53:13If I'd met someone and she'd suddenly become an actress, I'd be like, well, this is no, and I don't like it. I don't like it. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's difficult. But also, I don't know. I almost feel like ignorance is bliss. Yes. And I would really struggle to sit at a premiere next to your missus and go, Good scene, that. Good, that one. Oh, fuck out. Oh. And then go to the after drinks and have the man go, Oh, did you enjoy the film? Fuck you. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Jacob Elordi. Fuck you. She's shagging Jacob Elordi. That's what I mean. And who's like, who's like, let's. Well, look at, what's it called?

53:51Wuthering fucking Wuthering Heights yeah yeah that's the one and everyone thinks Margot Robbie's fucking got a husband I mean I to be fair I think he owned the production company that made it so but either way Jacob and Lordy mate and there was massive and you've got to sit there and what a struggle and they're like grabbing each other's faces and shit and you're literally sitting there going I don't know about that yeah you have to be really secure and I think you have to have an element of of ignorance is bliss and you tell me and you go should we do that should we do that no that I think is the worst thing that is that is that bad Move swiftly on.

54:21But, you know, I do think it's important to discuss, you know, like Pete's obviously, he's doing Gogglebox. He's talking about Love Island. He's in a new era, right? And I feel like we've ushered in a new era. I don't mean to speak for you. You're now in an emoji era, which has come on in leaps and bounds. You've only ever given me the black heart. Yeah, it's still, I'm still, the black heart is still there. Yeah, but there's now, you commented on, Pete commented under one of my girlfriend's posts of me and her. He commented under Tally's post with a double hand raise, a double hand raise, and Tally went, oh my God, Pete's just, I went, fuck off, Hazzy.

55:00I literally went, throw me your phone now. And she went, no, Pete, I promise you, Pete has just commented under my thing with an emoji. I ran over to that phone and went, let me see it now. I'm not joking. He literally just said that. It was just, it was really cute. I don't know, I can't remember what the two of you do. but I was like I looked at it and I thought praise the Lord with the head down praise the Lord I thought this I'd like this mate are you sort of like you're finding your way in terms of I'm just I'm sort of dabbling I've done a couple of dumps recently I've seen it yeah I've seen a couple of dumps you know I'm just trying to mix up I actually posted three times on Sunday nice three separate none of them have done well but the it's I forget to post and then I think I better waxing up and then I'm reminded that I had two posts to do that day anyway.

55:52And then, well, I've done it now. I just don't, I don't understand. The landscape of social media is just ever changing. I don't understand. Yeah, and people are talking about how great and when to, I've never known. I've never known. And all I think is, you know, I see something I like. Sometimes I'll do the, I'll do the clap hands. Yeah, I don't mind that. But mostly if you get a black heart, you're doing well if you get hands up it means I see you I see you sister I see you brother you keep doing what you're doing yeah like come on do I ever give you any I don't think I do actually laughing crying faces it's just quite quite millennial millennial one yeah Sam replies to stories with just like like awesome like epic like just just like generic just great man I just want you to know I'm there dude dude dude Dude.

56:46But yeah, I just feel like I need to sort of throw a bit more love on, on, on the old Instagram, you know? No, that's fine. I, I, I, I, we love it. We're here for it. Yeah. I can't wait to see what the next one will be. You know, will it be the aubergine? No, not really much need for that. No, I'm just, you know, I'm just entering a sort of a positive mindset era. PMM. PME. Yeah. Well, I just think, you know, just throw some emoji love out there. to the world and whatever emoji love you throw out to Instagram, what you're guaranteed to get back is hate. What do you think then about people who come on and go, oh, I don't like this content.

57:25Oh, this is my favourite one. We all know I smoke. Listen, it's not a good habit. I'm not saying it's cool. I'm not saying it. But what the fuck has it got to do with you, Donna? If I want to have a fucking f***, I will. And they go, oh, this isn't for me. And it's like, well, I haven't made this for you, you f***er. Honestly, it's what baffles me. Honestly, I can't remember who said this, but it's like Instagram is like a notice board in a village hall. You know what I mean? Like selling guitar lessons, right? And then someone goes, well, I don't want guitar lessons. Well, it wasn't for you then, was it?

57:55Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good. So I always think it's like going into a house, right? And there's loads of different doors. And like one's like the puppy door and the other one's like a travel door. And they go through your door and you're just like doing whatever you're doing. They're like, oh, I don't like this. You're like, well, I open the fucking door then. Well, fuck off to the fucking other door then. Loads of other doors on Instagram. Why are you telling me you don't like my room? My other favourite one that people love to do, and listen, you know, I love dogs more than anything in the world.

58:25Dog people, there are some amazing ones out there, but there are also the everyone knows everything about dogs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like parenting, I imagine. Oh, I imagine it's exactly the same thing. It doesn't matter what you do. there's someone who'll go so this is my favourite one that I've had recently and it's to do with the smoking Rodney doesn't like you smoking have you asked him? he's not smoking I'm not blowing it in his face I'm out in a fucking field having a he's not bothering he doesn't care Sharon he doesn't care Sharon he doesn't know what it is he's a fucking dog that's so funny what the honestly Honestly, sometimes I just think, oh, I'm going to delete the whole thing.

59:14I can't. I can't. I would live happier if I didn't have the voices from a million. I mean, recently, I'm not going to go into it, but it's the Sherlock Holmes of people doing fucking pictures. I noticed that. Oh, did you? Well, it is a fucking picture. Yeah, yeah. No one's going to hide it. Yeah, you're not exactly fucking Poirot, are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has everyone seen this? It's right there, yes. So if they've got eyes, they have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, they've seen something. Well, well, well, guess what I've seen? The same as everyone else. And then there's like three comments underneath being like, I saw that too.

59:49I saw that too. I've sent it to fucking, you know, Jemima's down the road. I've sent it to her and she said, oh, well, I've seen that here. And we've looked at this one. We've looked at it. Fuck off. Get a life, you fucking prat. Well, I think it's time for something real fresh and real new. Now, if you don't recognise that, it's because it's changed from last week, the theme tune. We're just trialling some different ones. Just see what you like. See what fits. It's Could You Do This? Could you do this? Could you do this? Could you do this? Yeah! On Staying Relevant. So, Pete, last week we decided that we could both land a plane.

1:00:22No, we didn't. You decided you could land a plane, like one in two men in the UK. I decided I definitely couldn't at all. We, I think we both personally could. But we've already discussed that. this week we've been given if we had six months to plan and we touched on this before but not so much the planning period if we've had six months to plan could you successfully carry out a bank heist has to be a bank okay do you want to go first well look mate I think I'm taking my sort of inspiration I think a little bit from Batman and all the bank heists that he's done well the Joker comes in he's got a mask and stuff So I think it's obviously a mask on job.

1:01:08Is it? Yeah. I think through the front door for me. Yeah. Through the front door, straight up. This is a robbery. Let's, so the question being, do you think with six months to plan, you could pull off a bank heist? Yeah. By the sounds of what you're going with here, you're going with yes. Yeah. Do you want to know briefly, you know, so that means keep it concise, really briefly. Okay. Like really briefly run us through the potential plan. You're going front door mask on. Yeah, front door mask on, but electric's been cut. You had six months to plan that. Yeah. Electrics have been cut. So you're cutting a wire, whacking on a mask.

1:01:44No, you're cutting the wire. No, no, no. This is, can you do? If you're involved now. No, no, no. Because I'm doing my own bank heist. Oh, you're doing your, oh. So that, I like that. We've called each other up and I've been like, oh, fuck me, you're doing one as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What day? Yeah, yeah. Shit. No, no, no. So this is how you would do it. I mean, I can be involved in yours, but I'm not. Yeah, we can be involved in each other's, but I am not doing it your way, is what I'm saying. So this was, if one of us was planning it and you were planning it, this is what you'd do. No, let me rephrase.

1:02:14Okay, good. Not through the front door. Good, okay, good. I'm glad. I mean, you've had six months to think about it. I get a job there. I get a job there so people don't suspect me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one will suspect anything when Sam Thompson's a cashier at Lloyd's Bank. Yeah, and I'd just be a cashier. And I'd make sure that I just get, I'd do my job every day, diligently, nine to five, every day for six months. So they just don't suspect a thing. And then every now and then, right, I'll just pluck a little bit of money out of the... So you're not doing a bank heist. No, I'm doing a little bit more.

1:02:49You're slowly stealing. I'm slowly stealing out of the till. I don't know. I'll be honest with you, Sam, I'm not sure that's a heist. So heist in its general term means to smash and grab. Oh, right. What you're doing is siphoning money out slowly so no one notices. Whilst having a job. Over a period of time whilst working every day. And to the point where the money that you're siphoning out isn't really making any difference to your life. You just get fired. And you get fired and you'll never work in a bank again. So heist we're going for. Shall I run through mine? If you're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:03:24Okay, good. All right. First of all, if you had asked me to do a heist with you and you planned it all out, I would absolutely say no. Why? You've given me all the reasons I need in that sort of 10 seconds there. It would be so badly planned, I'd end up, it's a guaranteed prison. It's unlike you, guaranteed goal, that is guaranteed prison. Or death. I think we go down fighting. No, no, I, hands up. See, useful. Hands up. It's back again. I'd emoji myself with the old, lads. Lads, not only do I like your content, but I'm up. I'm done. Don't worry about it. So no. Would, in the same respect, if I was planning a heist myself, would I tell you?

1:04:08No. Why? I'd tell you and I'm in deadly to it. I know you'd tell me. Yeah. Yeah. And that's absolutely fine. I wouldn't tell you. But why? Pillow talk to the birds. You'd mention it to Josh. You'd just say, where's Pete? Oh, he's doing the heist. Oh, what? You know what I mean? On the pod. Where is he? Yeah, do you know what I mean? You can't keep fucking anything a secret. So I wouldn't tell you. Absolutely not. How would I do it? I like the idea of getting a job. It wouldn't be me getting a job. It would be part of my crew. I think that fundamentally, if you're going to plan a bank heist, you can't do it on your own.

1:04:42You need a crew. So fundamentally, you need a crew. So you need a lockman. You need an electrics man. You need a getaway driver, potentially. You need someone with a little bit of experience. You need someone with the knowledge. You need someone that knows vaults and safes. And really, you are going to need a dummy person. The dummy person would be potentially someone that would work there. They're the ones that could potentially get codes, fingerprints, all that sort of stuff for you. They would have to work there for a period of time. So it's a long order, but you've got six months. And that person needs to have no record.

1:05:09They need to be completely just a very nondescript normal person who then comes back and reports to us in a warehouse because we'll be working out of a warehouse somewhere in East London. Yeah, cool. You've got a board up with papers. Well, you know what I mean? Probably UV. I would lose. I don't know if you've watched Gone in 60 Seconds. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, I'd use UV pens so you can only see it with a black light. So just in case anyone stumbled across it, they wouldn't see this is our bank heist. And then, you know, the blueprint of it is. You'd need plans for the building, of course.

1:05:41Then you'd need to work out whether you're going to drill, whether you're going to go in the front. You can, you know, are you going to drill through? Imagine having the shop next door. And then drilling through the side. Drilling under and in. Yeah. You know, it's a tough job, but you've got six months. Yeah. So then what you need is a drill expert. You need someone to get the equipment. So you'd need someone with a construction background to get the equipment because they'll go through all your bank statements, they'll go through everything else, everything you bought, if you put it in your name and anything like that.

1:06:05So really you need someone within that. So again, to get that equipment, you'd probably need someone in construction. It wouldn't look unusual for them to go to, I don't know, HSS and hire a fucking drill to drill through the floor. You're going to get a team of six then about... Yeah, because you don't want the team to be too big because the more people I know, the more risk there is of... The more shade you have to give out. Exactly. You need to be able to trust these people. So personally, once all of that has happened and we've hatched a plan, what I would do is ensure that I have enough on all of those people to blackmail them at any point should they decide to try and fuck me.

1:06:39Because, listen, I'm like the Titanic. If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me. Nice. You know what I mean? Yeah. But do I think I could do it? Funny enough, unlike the pilot in Could I Land a Plane, I think I could pull off a bank heist. That's a bold move. I know. I know. I do think I do think I could be I think that would kind of be my forte you know me I like structure plans for do you know what I mean yeah that's a good point I feel like the planning side and I think I'd really enjoy it I'll be honest with you you'd come back and be like that could be a vocation I do think I do think I could I can enjoy it I'd like to get a squirrel suit dive in a squirrel suit yeah this is why I wouldn't be part of your nah it'd be fun though it'd be fucking fun if I would dive onto the roof with a squirrel suit and then what drilling through the fucking roof mate.

1:07:24So you're diving in a squirrel suit whilst holding a pneumatic drill. Yeah absolutely and then we hit the fucking day. They weigh more than you. Doesn't matter we're in a squirrel suit. So then what about the noise? Yeah. Because really what you think about if you're going to for example you know I'm just covering all options here and this is just in a couple of minutes imagine what I could do with six months. If you have next door you'd have to do it over the timing of when you actually pull off the heist is really really important. So you do it in broad daylight, in the middle of the day in the working bank.

1:07:57No. No. No night. But imagine, like, you know, think about a bank holiday. So bank holidays, all banks and lots of shops are closed. Yeah. Less people, so the noise is different. Imagine picking a bank that's near Notting Hill Carnival. Lots of noise going on, bangs, pops, everything. Lot of police. Lot of police, but actually, in Bulldown they're going to be so much going on with the crowds and everything else if you can do it discreetly without anyone knowing shops everywhere kind of closed lots of noises to disguise the noise of the drill you know there's lots of different options or what you could do cut the wire walk through the front door in a mask yeah you know and do you know what's funny that would probably work better than mine knowing my luck if we did this I'd be fucking done in they'd catch me this **** just walk out with a bag of cash Thank you so much for listening to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by two best friends and bank robbers.

1:08:53Now, if you do see a bank getting robbed in the near future, it might be us. You never know. So take a photo and send it. I'd be honest with you, I switched off. Take a photo and send it to us if a bank's being robbed. It could be us in the masks. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. We adore you with our whole hearts.

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1:11:34Hello, Relevanters. We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog, Marry, Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.