184: Unexpected people from Pete's past and Sam's forfeit

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1:43Welcome to Staying Relevant, a podcast hosted by me, Sam Thompson, who is best friends with the other co-hosts, Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph, Jeremiah, Jezeria Wicks.

1:59Weird intro. Tell me when you're done. Sorry, I just thought I'd throw something out there and I went, yeah, didn't like my intro there. Sorry, that was all I had to say. Yeah. Sure. This is Monday's episode, which means you'll be able to watch this on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Wednesday and then we'll be doing a bonus episode which comes out audibly on Thursday, which you can watch on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Sunday, which means you can catch us on a... Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. Wonderful. Rate, reviewed all of that crap. You know the score by now.

2:34This episode will contain swearing if you don't like it. Go f*** yourself. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Nice. Shall we crack on with the big news? The big news or the England game? Well, it's a couple of days away. I know the World Cup, baby. England, England, England. How are you feeling about it, Sam? Are you nervous? Are you sad you didn't get a call-up after your soccer aid performances? I thought I played fucking well in that. I've actually had time to reflect. But yeah, do you know what? You played well in soccer? Let's start with that, shall we? No, I actually watched it back. Blink and you missed Jeff.

3:04I know, it wasn't much, but I did. I watched it back. Very, very careful. You were right. There was too much careful. There was a lot of safety, but you were very quick. There was. I think we're going to win. I genuinely am putting it out there right now. England are going to win the World Cup. I genuinely mean that as well. I put a bet on it. Not good for you on the sweepstake. Scotland Australia Switzerland South Africa and Uzbekistan you've got Croatia Sweden Jamaica Morocco Iran and Czech Republic I think I've got a stronger team stronger sweepstake than you though I'll be honest with you I mean dude Croatia and Sweden could do some damage Croatia and Sweden yeah but also Czech Republic yeah you're not wrong if you go back to I mean listen I don't know what they like these days but Pavel Neved go on lads I love that go on lads We're talking about football.

3:52Question. Should we jump in a fountain? No. A few of the team are going to be watching it together. Will that be including you? Yeah, absolutely. We are watching it together. You were invited, but you're not here, I don't think. No, I'm here. I don't want to. Oh, right. Okay, that makes it even worse. So, well, actually, when you say a few of the team watching it together, they're not really. You invited everyone and it's you and Pippa, I think. No, wait. Is it just me, Pippa and Jack? Shut up. Yeah, I think everyone else has plans to watch it with their friends. Kira, what are you doing? There we go.

4:25Yeah, but that's, I don't know yet. So she knows what the... So it's, I'm keeping options open just in case someone's got a better plan than watching it with work. We're going to a beer garden. We're going to drink beer. You won't, though. I fucking will. You won't. It's a weekday and the kickoff is at 9pm. That's mental. When you found out it was a 9pm kickoff, you went, I'm in bed by then. That is mental. So the chances of you, I think you might stay for the first half, have a Ribena, have a sort of a pint in the Guinness that you let go warm and then just sort of lick the foam off the top. Did that on Sunday with Peter.

4:57Yeah. And then sod off home. What do you think? I think you might be right, but we're going to enter the establishment together. I've got us a really good table as well. It's an open-air beer garden. It's amazing. So Sam went all out and got us a really good table at his friend's place. He was telling her, I'll ask him. And then we're going to have a barbecue at mine beforehand. Well, are we? Are we really? If anything, I mean, look, I'm going to be honest with you. I was at yours at the weekend to have a look at the barbecue. I forced Pete to come round to mine. Yeah, I got a whole sort of garden tour.

5:36I mean, it's 10 foot by 10 foot. It's a patio. This is a flower bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the sofa. This is the barbecue. Oh, that fucking thing with the grill on it. Yeah, amazing. he then proceeded to open close and then show me what it would look like if he was flipping burgers which was really enjoyable I did enjoy it the waterfall the water feature yeah I wouldn't call it Niagara then I said to him do you know what would be nice here a fire pit suddenly the cover came off and there is a fire pit it took 15 minutes for it to sort of heat up I didn't understand that. Then I had to leave whilst he was still fiddling around with it because it kept going off.

6:22Yeah, the gas wouldn't work on it. That's a bit worrying. Yeah, and I know he spent the rest of the evening thinking about that. But this was kind of how it went. Look, do you like the bricks? I was like, yeah, yeah, very nice. Do you like the wood? Yeah, very nice. This is water and I've got fire. Yeah. And this is the barbecue. Yeah. It's nice. Yeah. Going to get some plants in there and there's going to be an olive tree there. Yeah, okay, great. Yeah, that sounds good. No plants in there at the minute, though. They're getting done today. Getting done today. How exciting. Do you know what, though?

6:53I do want to tell you, mate. I was really, you know, when you like really want someone, like Pete's seen my life and my gaff grow through the years. And you know, like there's a one person you just really want to come around and see it. Because you know they're going to be spending a lot of time in it. And so you're like, do you know what? Me and Pete went for a Sunday roast. I went, mate, do you know what would be really nice? I want you to come and see the patio. He was like, I don't really want to come around. So I forced him round to come and see the patio. And I just really wanted his approval on it.

7:21And I actually got a seat. You did like it. Yeah. He gave it the seal of approval. Hold on. It's nice. Yeah. That's what he said. He went, it's nice. Then he picked up the cat, gave the cat a cuddle and fucked off home. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's nice. I mean, you can't really tell at the minute because you've just got, when it's all done, listen, the brickwork is very lovely. It's very easy to maintain. large sofa which is very nice barbecue all fitted in it's a you know it's all been it all looks fine looks nice but the beds are just full of dirt at the minute it's expensive fucking dirt that what?

7:58mate you have no soil is expensive really expensive if you want the good soil like the good stuff the stuff that's going to fertilise well it's so so expensive what are you growing? crops? mate olive trees right I've got olive trees, as we all know in my eyes. They're fine. They do pretty well in dirt. I got told I had to buy the premium soil. Premium, did you? I got premium dirt. Okay. And what's so premium about it? Is it the pH levels, the alkaline? Not a clue. Not a clue. She went, that's what it's going to cost. I went, okay. Right. So what's happened is your dirt salesman has said you need the premium stuff.

8:37He's popped along to Vicky Park over in East London, picked up some dog shit and dirt, whacked it in a bag and gone, that's the good stuff do you know what else it is i didn't even question it but like now i every i'm gonna be honest with you about how so just just for context if you haven't seen sam's um patio it's about the size of this studio smaller yeah actually it's not as wide is it so it's about the size of it so just for context i would say there is two flower beds that in in terms of volume and capacity are about the size of the coffee table all right i've been done in i know I have.

9:13You reckon? I've been done in. I've been treated like a mug. Well, look, make sure you save that when you redo the garden next year. Oh, it's happened to me before, you know. I bought a TV from a guy who had a truck and he offered to sell me a TV at a petrol station. I went, yeah, that's a good price. Took the TV home and it had a crack in it. Yeah, and was stolen. Probably, yeah. He offered to me at a petrol station and he went, and it was a massive TV. It was a while ago and I was like, I'll have a bit of that. and then... How much do you want? You want cash for it? I'll get you a monkey. Since when have you been a wheeler dealer buying fucking electrical goods in petrol stations?

9:53He just offered it to me in the petrol station. I was like, yeah, okay, fair enough. That's a pretty good deal. So I took it because it was a big bastard LG TV. So just to confirm then, when you bought this dirt, was that in a petrol station? No, it wasn't. It was a different guy. Was it? It was a different guy? Yeah. It wasn't your TV guy? No. I can get you anything you want. You want some of that good dirt? A couple of thousand. Yeah, absolutely, mate. Yeah, I've been done over a couple of times. That TV was so bummer. I was so excited to put it up there and there was a massive crack all over it.

10:20So the thing that worries me, like, about all of this, I mean, look, and yeah, the garden's nice, mate, is you've got, the idea is that it's a Mediterranean paradise. So we've gone with some olive trees. You've killed a bonsai, which is the only plant I've ever seen you try and look after. I'm so excited to get into it, man. Is that, so is less work for you? Yes, exactly. So this is like an easy care olive tree because the dirt's going to do a lot of it. I've got a watering can. You've got, okay. I've got a watering can. Yeah. I can't wait. I'm going to be out there with like a little brimmed hat and I'm just going to be a proper gardener.

10:55On your patio? Yeah. It's concrete. Yeah. And I'll let you know something that's really fucking cool that I know the listener's going to really care about. Mate, I've seen three bees so far. I've seen three bees on my patio. That is fucking, that is. The bees are coming in, baby! Yeah, well, they must love the concrete. Yeah, no, but I've already got enough to plant there. There are the two plants. So I don't think... No, they're migrating pastures to go into someone's fucking garden that's got a fucking plant in it. Do you think they just... Oh, look at that soil. There's going to be some lovely bits there later.

11:31Let's pop back that... What? The soil's lovely. Fucking a bit of worms are at me. Oh, mate, I've been done over and I know I have. I bet the worms in, oh, God, this is lovely. I do have a bee, mate. Oh, you can tell the difference. This is like memory foam for a worm.

11:51For fuck's sake. Dude, you're a plant, Dad. You've got loads of plants in your gas. Driven over from Amsterdam. There we go. But mine are, it's the plants that were very special. I'm not sure if it's Dutch soil that is particularly interesting, but the plants they're very special plants oh mate we're going to have so much fun which by the way for two years now are just thriving they do look thriving I've got to say well that mate honestly I mean they are thriving yeah they really are I'm very excited I am a I'm a green finger little god but I'm excited for you to come around just spend loads of time around the that sort of like with me just flipping your burgers or veggie burgers yeah right it's a place you always spend a lot of your time See, I've been there and I've seen what it's going to look like with the burger flipping and that.

12:40So I think I'm done for this summer. No, yeah, mate, dude, this is where you're going to be. I'm away for a lot of summer, unfortunately, in the actual Mediterranean and sort of in all sorts of places around the world. So unfortunately I may miss out on a lot of barbecue season of yours. But I do know that Pippa is very excited about it. The tin. Josh is going to be unavailable for much of summer because he's been breathing.

13:08you've been breeding. So, Kira, Hannah, Galena, Annalise, I'm sure they'll, well, Annalise, she's not around for a lot of time, she's on a holiday for the next three or four months. So, but some of the team will pop round, but you and Tally, you'll have a lovely time. I'm just, I'm just excited, mate. I'm excited. I feel like you're, you're kind of dejected about the lack of excitement from everyone about your garden. When they come in, they experience it, they're going to, they're going to enjoy it. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, When you guys get there, you're going to go, fuck, I've not been in a patio like this.

13:40And you're going to get down in the flower bed and you're going to go, fuck, you know, that is good soil. And then a little worm's going to go, yeah, fucking love it here. But, you know, we're doing a lot of team bonding, though, coming up. It's not just going to be bulgies around mine. We've got trick awards coming up. Trick awards will be coming up. Yeah, I'm popping away for a bit, then come back. And we've got the trick awards. Now, last year we won. This year it's very unlikely. But last year some of us got to experience it. It was me, you, Josh and Pippa all got to experience the Trick Awards last year.

14:10Hannah saw it for me outside. But this year she's getting herself inside because we've got a table for everyone. So we're all going to go and experience the Trick Awards. Now, it's a daytime awards, the Trick Awards, so it's just after lunch. It finishes around about 7 o 'clock. So we are doing a team night out after that. We are. We are. Oh, come on. How do you feel about that? Well, I can't wait, mate, because to be honest with you, we're going to be drinking on the way there. I mean, I've given myself the title Social Secretary for staying relevant. This will be the first time you've potentially stayed out with the team for a little while.

14:49Since Christmas. Since Christmas? Yeah. Is it going to be a big one for you? Or is it dependent on the result? Well, look, to be honest with you, I'm just excited because we're going to get there in style. Like we're starting the entire thing in style. We've made inquiries, Pete, into it. Because obviously we did a Hummer limo last time. I have to say, just before you make these inquiries, I'm working beforehand, so we'll be going straight from work. So I will not be genuinely as well. I'm not even joking you. We'll come pick you up. I don't know exactly where I'm filming, but I'm genuinely, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.

15:22Just before you spend money, I genuinely am having to go straight from work. Arrangements, they're all free arrangements. We'll pick you up. We'll pick you up from wherever you're going to be. You just let us know. He also didn't want to get in the limo anyway. So I think it's okay. No, listen, you guys have a lovely time. In fact, do you know what? I'll give you a budget for your travel as well. We're covered. We're good. We're all good, man. How do you feel about a pedibus? I, unfortunately, I'm genuinely, I'm genuinely working. Good. I'm glad. We're the carpool. We're the carpool. Mate, we're coming in.

15:59And look, I don't know if you've done one before, a pedibus. and we're really excited for that. Cool. We'll have a lovely time but in all seriousness and I'm not even doing this to be a narsher I cannot That's fine. I have no other day I'm literally having to work. We'll wake you around the corner. We'll wait on the pedibus 200 metres away from the entrance just metres at the pedibus so we can then Why 200 metres? That will give us a good 200 metre sort of road to pedal our way into the entrance of the Trick Awards make our big announcement. Look, the problem is in all seriousness is I don't think anyone's ever won this award two years on the bounce now the chances of winning are less than last year because last year we had a fucking fighter's chance this year we're it's fucking tough we've already won it last year we're not going to win for second year so you want to arrive I think we go understated the whole point of this was just a night out we're not understated and by the way I'm not fucking I'm not working that day I'm there to get drunk it's a social event we can have beers on the pedibus Well, then, do you know what?

17:04It's a beer pedibus. That you pedal, you sit around the table and you pedal. Amazing. And you drink beer. And we're at the front. I'm just going to put some little things in for you guys. Have you checked out where the Trickwalls is? Yes. So your bus is allowed to travel down Park Lane. Yeah. On road legal. The man has given us a route. Okay. All right. We've got a route. All right. The man has planned for the route. Just to let you know, we also have a stereo system that has been integrated in Ponder Teddy Bus. Okay. So people will know of our arrival before they see us. And it's branded. And it's branded.

17:41Amazing. So we spent a little bit of money. Okay, so how much money? Is someone about to have their credit card removed? No, no, we haven't. We haven't. We haven't. He's lying. How much does it cost? It's free. How much does it cost, Pippa? Free, I promise. It's not free. you're stirring it is i'm just trying to be the good samaritan here and be honest swear on my life swear okay you're gonna die mate you're out i'll bury you in my soil mate i promise you you're gonna have a great time i promise you all right excellent do you want to um do you want to test the bus this afternoon on the way to our business presentation oh that'll be fun actually because we've got a very big and also it's gonna be just pointing out as well so if this is a cycling thing I mean cycling was a struggle for you this time last year hey listen mate I'm going to be giving it my best me and you are going to be at the front by the way and we've got megaphone I'm at work for the last time fine we'll swing by ok alright excellent alright you just I want Pete to be working with the dogs or something I'm not working with the dogs I'm doing goggle box that's fine great we'll come to Vicky's essentially Essex we'll come to Essex it literally is in Essex well literally We'll go down the M11.

18:59By the Billingsgate Fish Market, which is fucking peddling down. Did you say down the M1? The Billingsgate Fish Market. M1 goes up north. I didn't say M1. What did you say? Billingsgate Fish Market. All right, which is in East London. But yeah, all right. So we have a business presentation this afternoon. We do. We do indeed. How are you feeling about it? Are you nervous? No. No, I feel all right about it. I'm slightly dubious about the fact that this I don't know if it's real why well the last one we did wasn't oh shit Pippa so that's a really good point hence the really I mean that's why I didn't bother getting dressed I didn't wear a suit for this one that's a good point so I'm not entirely sure but we are doing some sort of Q &A presentation have you mugged us off no not this time is this a serious chat well yeah but you know who knows that's what someone would say who is mugging you off well exactly So I'm not entirely sure, but we are going to an actual office to be doing this.

19:57How are you feeling about it? You've come sort of business casual. I have, yeah. I actually feel like I'm actually sort of dressed in the right fatigues, to be fair. Have you ever been, yeah, office fatigues. Yeah. Have you ever been in a real office? Yeah, we've got an office, but I mean, yeah, like not like a. Yes, yes, we've got an office. There's a bowl of sweets, a blown up pink flamingo, a coffee bar and just a load of crap in there. Like a real corporate office. I mean, I've walked around. I've walked around a few offices in my time, to be fair. Do you know sort of that office appropriate behaviour?

20:33A couple of headlocks maybe, you know, just sort of like... I want people to feel comfortable in our presence. And the headlock says comfortable, does it? That's what we do with Pippa. She's not comfortable. She's just paid to put up with it. I mean, if we are in this kind of office environment, you know, as you go through, how are you going to handle that? Shake a couple of hands. Yeah. Just, you know, how are you? So we're stepping back from the hug in the office environment. Yeah. Burp and blow, just to... Just a couple of handshakes. Nice to meet you. I hope everything's going well. Sales are going good.

21:06Are you on the phones? Nice. And that'll be me. Sell, sell, sell. Buy, buy, buy. Yeah, but we want to bring a little bit of energy to the office as well. because if we are doing a genuine speech, it's a Q &A, isn't it, that we're doing? You know, I feel like we're quite well-versed in a little Q &A. Maybe we'll ride in. Maybe I'll jump on your back. We'll just do a little Sam Peet thing, you know, maybe a little bit of acrobatics. For a business presentation. Well, you want to lube them up first, though, don't you? No, not really. No, I don't think so. We're here to lube you up, everyone. We're going to do a little flip.

21:33No, not on a sort of a business presentation. There's, you know, different horses for different calls, different hats for different things, isn't there? You know what I mean? So we need to put our business hats on. We're men of many hats. Well, yeah, we are men of many hats. What hats are we going to put on today? That's the question. Well, I think the answer is - We better make sure we've got the same hat on. Fuck me. Imagine if we don't. I don't think we've ever had the same hat on. I think with business hats. Right. Business with a slight tinge of pleasure. No. No. That just sounds like you're fucking the secretary.

22:05Just business hats. Business hats it is then. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We're going to do that. We've got cowboy hats in general. and actual like, I know like unmetaphorical hats. We do have a couple of cowboy hats. So we could go in in cowboy. Yeah, no, we absolutely could. I think that would be, have you looked at the questions? Because I don't remember any of them saying, what's your trusty steed's name?

22:28But I just, I don't know. We should make an entrance of some sort. We will through the door. Walking. We should at least give him a wave. Yeah, you can wave, mate. Just a, thank you. Yes. How are you going to, how are you going to be in the office? Because maybe, look, you can teach me the ropes. I'll be following your lead. I'll be on your six. No, but you never have. I've tried to get you to sort of follow the lead and give you a kind of advice on, you know, what not to do in certain environments. And you go ahead and do it anyway. So I don't know if my advice is really going to, I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

23:02Yeah, but I'll be just behind you. I'll be just following you. Just sort of, just, you know, leave people to work. You know, don't speak unless you've spoken to. All right, fine. What if Chris and marketing comes up and says, like, say, hi, Chris. How's marketing going? What have you marketed today? Yeah. Tell me about what you've marketed today. All right, fine. I'll follow your lead. I'll be on your six, man. I will have you covered from behind. Well, presumably you were last night. What time did you go to bed last night? 9.30. 9.30. Presumably you were in bed reading through the questions. I didn't even know we had questions.

23:35They were sent across to us. Are they easy? Well, they were sent across to us for us to have a look at, just so we know what to prepare for. I like to be on the fly. I'm loose. I'm limber, Pete. But how are you going to be loose and limber following my lead? So which one are we doing here? Loose and limber and on the fly or following my lead? Mate, we're going to walk into that Q &A office. Thank God we're walking in. That's got better. What do you miss about, you know, like, you know, you're in the office. It's day to day. And don't just say, like, the structure or anything like that. Like, what's the weird stuff, the niche stuff that, like, that I wouldn't know that happens?

24:08Like, the water cooler chat or their affairs. I think the thing with the office, I miss the format of everything and the routine of everything. I can't think of the word for it.

24:24Because I'm not allowed to say structure. But I do miss the structure. It's the going in, having to be there at a certain time. You know what's... Like, this is when you have lunch. Everyone has their own area. What did you bring for lunch? I used to go out for lunch. Yeah. It was during a phase of my life where I drank a lot, so I was at the pub for lunch. Did you ever make yourself like a sandwich? No. Tupperware box? No, no, no, no, no, no. I would always go out. I don't really like the idea of carrying food around. That's what the whole team do. What did you do on your commute? Did you listen to music?

24:56Yeah. You'd put headphones in? Yeah, I'd have Walkman. Would you get a coffee? Would you get like a little coffee on your way in? Yes, absolutely. Every day? So every morning I would get the tube. Yeah. So every morning I'd be... No attacks. At the time, no. And thankfully, in all the years that I obviously got the tube in that, which is, what, nine, eight years. No one spat in your mouth. No one spat in my mouth. Not on the tube journey anyway.

25:23But, yeah, no, I just miss the day-to-day of actually having to go in and do it and get out and do the same thing every day. I like routine. I do like routine. And as sad as that sounds, that is probably the thing I miss most. But also, I really miss the fact that everyone had the desk or like, you know, as you get kind of better, you move into your own office or whatever it may be and people couldn't bother you. Everyone had a job to do. I would bother you. It wasn't, yeah, but you wouldn't have lasted. I would have made sure. I would have worked really fucking hard. Bear in mind that I was running a lot of this.

25:52I'd have sacked you. No, because I would have. Sam, I promise you now, you would have been sacked within a week. I would have. Firstly, you wouldn't have been hired. I would have made my, I would have worked so hard that I was unsackable. But you couldn't. And then I'd annoy you. But Sam, you couldn't. No one is unsackable. Everybody in every business, no one is above a business. Every single person is sackable. Every single person. Doesn't matter who you are. You haven't seen me recruit some medical professionals. But Sam, you couldn't sit there. You couldn't sit there. That's the hardest bit.

26:25You couldn't sit. You couldn't sit down. I have a question. Did you ever have like a flirty relationship with like another co-worker when you were just at the office? yes that must have been so fun office romances yeah it's like what are we going to do are we not yeah it was well yeah but we always did yeah before that but yeah I mean it's awkward especially you know you like Jennifer it was yeah especially at different points when they were working for me it's not like it's not sort of a done thing because technically that's a huge HR problem I like your shoes today Jennifer um yeah a little flirty workplace banter but I don't think that just happens in offices That happens in every workplace.

27:07There's always flirty banter with anyone. Offices are no different. Offices are no, yeah, look at the way you and Joss look at each other. There is, yeah, there's no different to an office to anywhere else, I don't think. But it's. That Christmas party rolls around. Christmas party's a big one, though. In an office, the Christmas party's a big one. Socials in an office are fucking great. So Friday night, especially during the summer, you guaranteed you had your group, the core group, that would... Friday night drinks? Absolutely. You'd do that. We sometimes took it too far and did sort of the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday night drinks.

27:44But you'd have your Friday night drinks and then you'd get a few more on the Friday, especially in summer, and you'd go to the same place and you'd start off there and you'd all end up, and then by Monday you're just recovering from the Friday. So basically, in an office, you spend more time with those people than you do anything else. You get very close to people in an office. You spend eight, nine hours a day. Especially if you think about if you're sat on an open plan desk next to that person. Five days a week, nine hours a day. Who is your guy? Plus doing drinks. Who is your go-to dude at the office?

28:11What was his name? And is he watching now? Probably not. I can't imagine he is because he's probably at work. And this isn't live. Hi. What was his name? I've got quite a few really, but there was a group of us. I mean, funny enough, I went to the football recently with my old boss, Louis. So was he next to you? Was he in the... No, but he's the one. He was always the one that we'd go out for. I didn't... I had my own office, so I didn't have people next to me. You must have had like a best mate at work. Yeah, Louis, probably. Oh, right. It was just you and Louis. You were like a gruesome twosome.

28:43Well, no, there's loads of you. Like, you don't... I don't think... Neil was really good. Go on, Neil. Neil Moore. I had to Neil. Yeah. Neil Moore. Went to his wedding in Croatia. What fucking ladies? He's living in Croatia? No, he had his wedding in Croatia. He was good as gold. You didn't get invited to that, though. Then there was Tom Ryan fucking gang. Tom Ryan? No, Tom and Ryan. Oh, sorry. Dan. There was a big group of us. We were there for a long time. This is so great. We all really enjoy this because this is like, why have we not asked him this before? Should we get them on the pod? Neil Moore.

29:14No, because they all have real jobs. Do they have wives and kids now? Do you stay in contact with them? I haven't for a long time. Everyone goes kind of a different way. I've been out of the game for fucking 12, 13 years, whatever it is. But yeah, they were all fucking good guys. We had some fucking interesting wild times. God, do you like follow them on Facebook and see what they're up to now? I don't have Facebook at all. I don't have any social media. I don't even have LinkedIn anymore. I've only got Instagram, haven't I? Someone, wherever you are, Neil Moore, please make yourself available to us.

29:49Just so we know we can talk to you. we would love to speak to you. I would love to speak to you. Sorry, I know that was a bit of a tangent, but I really enjoyed that. So, let's move on. So we asked the audience for a forfeit for you because you guaranteed us a goal at Soccer Aid and you didn't score a goal for the third year running. So we have collated the best here and actually I'm going to have the governing decision.

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32:36so the first one is allow the srt mainly pete to post a story on sam's account for at least one hour now i know that one will hit you really hard because of the optics um what you say that we've got a sam to open and eat the tinderfish sir strumming what's that now that i know is a fermented fish from, I believe, Scandinavia somewhere, isn't it? Is it Finland? That sounds a bit grim. It's fermented in a tin. It's powerful, potent. Potent stuff. Speeden. So it's a speedish strumming. That one I'm less keen to. The next one is get a new tattoo saying Benchwarmer. That's embarrassing.

33:19Yeah. I'm looking at your arm. There's not much space. Yeah, because you are inked up, man. There's not. What a crazy guy. Sorry, what? Maybe get it there. Bench swarm was a bit rude, though, really. Like, even, like, in life, like, because people could sit there and be like... What a weird thing to get. Like, why would you put that next to a bowl of ramen noodles that you've never eaten? Why would you do that? That's fucking crazy. Absolutely crazy. Like, never seen him eating ramen noodles in his life. but absolutely fucking Benchwarmer. No, fucking stupid. That's got relevance. This is an arm full of crap that no one ever knows about.

34:01Bowl of ramen. I've got this there. Well, we'll cover it with Benchwarmer. So, so, Benchwarmer or the SR team to post a story on Sam's account for at least one hour. Now, I have some questions. Do we all have to do that consecutively or can we all pick the time that we have his story? So, for example, if we all just post a story, people are going to know it's a joke. Whereas if you randomly put one up today and then I randomly do one. You can't do more than one. Yeah, I read it as one collective story that you take the lead on. Oh, well, I don't care for that one then. So I think... Well, you wanted to start a narrative over like a period of time.

34:40You wanted like eight stories. Okay, three years on. I wanted everyone to have some individuality and to be able to get things off their chest on your account. That's wild work. Like, you guaranteed us something, you let us all down. It wasn't just me you let down, all right? You let Josh down, you let Pippa down, you let Kira down, you let yourself down. No, fuck it, I'll tell you you let me down, it's fucking Bradley Walsh. Well, you let him down too. That's why he pulled you off, mate, because you're a letdown. You get one story on my account or I take a tattoo. Oh, tattoo badge, it's a bit long, isn't it?

35:16What do you mean? I will do it. It's only 11 letters, I don't know if it's that long, it could have been longer. Any of those three, because I promised you I would. What I have decided, having spoken to my peers, about what will look best visually on video, is you are going to be eating Swedish surstromming. Josh, I can't finish it. Sorry, Josh, didn't realise that you knew what surstromming was. and then you're a connoisseur in a fucking Swedish fish game. Now, I feel like I should have done this at the end because as we know from previous with Sam, when he feels slightly attacked, we lose the plot.

35:59And I feel like at that point, he's started already on Josh now. Josh was just, sorry, I didn't even know you knew what that was. Josh is out of nowhere. It's like, well, I think you can. Depends what it is. Well, it's a fermented fish. A whole fish? No, no, no. It's a little tin and it's a kind of a fermented fish, I believe. It's, there you go, a little tin. And what I will, listen, I have had experience with this before and I've seen other people do this. So what I will allow in this is you can have one piece of sourdough. Is it that bad? Is it that bad? You can have a piece of sourdough, you can spread it.

36:43The fact that Pete is saying I can have some to go with it actually means it's probably absolutely horrific. Well, just, you know, make a meal out of it, mate. All right, fine. Get yourself a bit of sourdough. And I look forward to watching that video when I return from my holiday. Okay, there we go. So that would be wonderful. There we go. And actually, if you want to find out a little bit more about Sir Stroming and how bad it is, I think the best thing you could probably do is ask TikTok, get yourself on a live, see if anyone has experienced it. I do love a TikTok live. Well, don't we know it?

37:15Do you like it? Don't we know it? You've been TikTok living. Yeah. How are things going on that then, Tyreek? Do you know what? I tried to do a Love Island watch-along, Pete. Right. And what was... How do you try and fail at that? I struggle to understand. I tried to do it. I'm just not vibing it this year. Not vibing the watch-along or Love Island? Just the watch-along. Just, yeah, not vibing it. I tried. I tried to get into it. Are you guys into it this year? It's got the lowest ratings since it started. You into it? No, but I watched your watch along and you were struggling. He was very flustered.

37:54Yeah, I was flustered. Do you know what? It's because I didn't really know. I didn't know the characters. Do you know what we call this? Do you know what I call this? What? Gross. This is personal growth before your eyes on TikTok Live. He's real, like, as he's watching, he's struggling. And I'll tell you why. Because it's shit. I just struggled, man. Is it the characters? Are they not relatable to you? No one grabbed me, you know. Not one of them came out the screen and grabbed me. And I get it. It's the first week, nervous, love, I'm a big show. But by week two, they're just going to be popping their hands out the screen, giving you a handy, are they?

38:28I just couldn't. I know someone who slept with one of them. Yeah. I'll tell you after. Oh, God, on tenterhooks. Yeah. No, I try and see the live. I just, yeah, I do enjoy live, but it might not be doing a watch along, to be fair. I think I might have grown out of the watch along. I just, so just, I know we've just come from you guaranteeing something and going back on it. So at the start of Love Alive, when we were really happy about the fact that we could now do the watch along, it's taken a week before we've now decided that we're not doing the watch along. Don't make me arsed. Don't make me arsed.

39:04Okay, okay, excellent. So you're the definition of eyes bigger than the belly. It's a young man's game, I think. Well, that's the end of the Love Island chat then, thankfully. Idris Elba's now, sir. Is he? Is Idris Elba a sir? He is a sir. And I believe you were discussing it in the office. Yeah, no. Pippa, you're a bitch. So you were discussing it in the office because, and I think I'm right in saying that you believe you deserve to be knighted. I don't think I deserve to be knighted. I said I'd like to be knighted. Because you deserve it. Well, Pippa's written that down wrong. because I don't think I deserve to be knighted.

39:41I would like, wouldn't you all like to be a sir? Imagine being like a Sir Peter Wicks. For all you've done for animals, a Sir Peter James Jonathan Joseph. I don't think I would like it. Why? What difference does it, what do you get? It's like such an honour. But what do you get? You don't get anything. There's nothing you get. How many people can say that they got knighted? Like the knights of old, around the round table. I wouldn't want it now though. I'd want it just sort of before I die. A sword to the shoulder. Arise, Sir Peter James. I don't know. Tell me your reasons for what you think you could get knighted for or what you'd like to be knighted for and what difference it will make to your life.

40:29I don't know what I could get knighted for because I don't think I'd ever get knighted. But the idea... Services to ADHD. Okay, do you know what? That'd be nice. like services to something you know maybe as I get older I do more services services to Love Island services to services to anything I don't know what it could be but just getting on one knee and getting the old King Charles to just be like here you go have a sword to the thing and then like arise you're in David Beckham's company Idris Elba now's company quite fun do you get to go in their company do you get to go to parties and stuff I imagine so imagine there's a very elite or do you just get to come in and announce yourself welcome to the podcast hosted by Sir Sam.

41:08I mean, that in itself. But when we go to this office and do a speech later, I would want fanfares. Please. But you don't get that. You know that. Stay standing. And the only people that I know, like I know a couple of sirs who have worked on things. Samoa Farrow. Yeah. Yeah. He's a sir. Yeah. But no one calls you, but it doesn't make a difference. It's nice to be recognised if you do saying, like wonderful and all the rest of it. But I'm not sure being a sir, I don't know how cool that is. It does sound cool. I like, I just, I mean, this might be a little bit controversial. I like the Royals.

41:47So like being able to like be, have a sash and like, you know, they. Would you wear that sort of regularly? You'd probably come in here and sit down with a little sash on or something. Yeah, and then you get like a little medal and stuff, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. Quite fun. Yeah. All right then. So it's something you're aiming for in the future. I don't think I'll ever get it, but it's a dream. Well, listen, and who doesn't love a dream? We all love a dream. I have a dream. What's your dream? Fine now and disappearing to nowhere. So, okay, so Pippa, what do you think Sam should aim for? What do you think his best chances of becoming a sir are?

42:26I think you need to make it more widely known that that's your goal. Right. So we need to announce our maiming for a knighthood. Campaigned to be nice. Well, it's worked for us previously. We had campaigns for all of our Sunday Times bestsellers. We had campaigns for the Trick Awards last year, not so much this year. We've had campaigns for a lot of things and we've achieved those goals. So maybe we should start the Make Sam a Sir campaign. Yeah, you don't ask, you don't get. That's so true. All right. I completely agree. Excellent. And I know who can charge us this. Well, yeah. And to be honest with you, I think you must be there.

43:02Like, I don't know if this is, you know, something you guys have come up with because you know it's happening because he's been at the Palace quite a bit recently. So I don't know if you've been sat there and you've been on, you know, one of your watch-alongs with Chaz and you've just been saying, come on, come on, please, Camilla, tell him. Can I have a knighthood? Is it something? Do you know what? Do you think I could go into the Palace whenever I wanted if I had a sir? I'm always seeing Beckham, you know, just rolling out the back door. Because they just pop there whenever they were like, it's like they get to the front with the guards and they go, sir, mate.

43:39Yeah, and then just let me in. Just hold the middle and they go, that'd be so fucking fun. Sorry, Dave, in you get, son. That'd be so fun. Idris is in there. Where is he? He's just in the Nando's toilets. What do you reckon they get? Like, I bet they get something fresh that no one else gets, an experience that no one else gets. Like a Nando's black card or something. Like, do you know what I mean? Oh, fuck, well, it's worth it then. No, but as in like, I bet there's some sort of honour they get or they get to be part of some sort. But there must be something. Yeah. Like a goodie bag, maybe. Yeah, like a goodie bag.

44:06Like so Gen Z of you, Pippa. Yeah. What would be in the, like grow your own alien, piece of cake. Fucking jelly cat. Like a pin. A pin? Yeah, that you wear. Yeah. The medal, I think, is that bit. If I got a knight, that would be in your goodie bag. Maybe you'd get a photo. Just want to let you know, if I got a knight. A photo, what, like when you go to Walton Towers? So like a photo with King Camilla. You're allowed to touch them. Woo! Woo! I would love that, though. Something like that, yeah? That'd be class. All right, money off expensive soil. Yeah, vouchers maybe. You'd all be invited. You'd all be invited if I know.

44:44Invited to what? Well, all right, let's make some predictions then. So we think the best chance of Sam doing this, we need to find what are services to. Oh, yeah. So services to podcasting. Sure. Is that what it comes from, services to? Well, not necessarily. It's just I'm trying to think of something. Defeat someone in battle. Well, I'm just trying to think of something around what you do. So services to mullets. There you go. Major contribution in any activity, usually at a national level. There you go. So you have, you know, let's go with the podcasting route because, you know. Got to do the Olympics.

45:27No, no, you don't have to do the Olympics. I've got to do a Mo Farah. Well, I don't think you can... I don't think podcasting's a sport. I feel like I've got to do something that is... We'll get back to that in there because this has not been as fun as I thought it would be. So we'll get back to that bit. But we're going to start a campaign. Should we give a timeframe to when we think he's now 34? Yeah. I mean, it would be a young... If we can get in there by 40... Cool, yeah. Yeah, fine. Over the next six years, then follow us on our journey of Make Sam a Sir. I also believe that there may be...

46:06You could be a Sir. I don't want to be. As if. If they offered you a Sir, you're not saying no. No, you're not going to say no, but I'll be like, great. We've got one more thing, actually. A clip of Bob Mortimer's gone viral predicting the next big thing, Peter. Now, we're obviously always trying to stay relevant, and I wanted to know what you think the next relevant trend would be. Oh, it's tough on that. fashion I don't know what the current trend is what's the current trend well it could be like a Gen Z attitude to life because obviously we had a brat summer and all those kind of things that was a trend right okay so you're going the sort of the online the attitudes the cultural stuff okay all right next year I'm going to go LeBooBoo that was the last trend that I remember how many years ago so I'm going to go with the inclusion of technology so like AI so it's a chat GBT snail that you can hang from your jeans bag, anything like that.

47:04And actually what you do is you just compress the shell and then you go tell me how many nights there are in the UK and it will give you the answer straight away. So it's a knowledgeable snail. That's a fucking good idea. The antenna goes red on the left one when it needs charging but when it's fully charged the right one goes green and you can get it in a range of different colours like that so it's an AI snail and it's called

47:40it's called Shelley Shelley the snail so yeah lots of people collect them and you can get them in different colours and there's limited edition ones because the limited edition ones generally it's just a difference in material because the standard Shelly is like jelly cat material. But if you get the limited edition, the Shelly is actually made from small crushed snail shells that have been moulded in a resin.

48:13That's the next big thing. Not the worst idea, that. Quite like that. Mine would be masks. COVID. We're going to start wearing masks. I think people start wearing masks kicking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that because you're seeing an increasingly large number of ugly people? No, I just feel like the mask is the next big thing. Okay. You heard it here first. And what, it's going to be collectible? It's just going to be a fashion trend? Just a fashion trend. Fashion trend, all right. People will be wearing masks. You know? So we expect to see that very soon. Or those Dyson things. You've seen those fucking Dyson things?

48:48See, well, this is the perfect way. Because if you had an AI Shelly, you could say, what's the next big trend? And then Shelley would go, well, I think it's going to be masked. Rub my shell. Thank you, Shelley. Rub my shell. And then it'll turn a different colour. No. That's where we draw the line. That's silly. On that note, thank you so much for listening to Staying Relevant. This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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51:38Hello, Relevanters. We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog Marry Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We're sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.