185: Pete's holiday blues and Sam's big announcement

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2:28Yeah, don't touch it. All of the things. Is this the same person that sold you a TV? No. Was the doctor in the petrol station? Fuck's sake. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast host by two bestest of best pals. It's me, Sam Thompson, and Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph Wicks. Like a boxing intro, that, wouldn't it? Terrible boxing. Oh, whilst we're on the boxing thing, did you watch any of that Misfits thing? No, I didn't watch it. Oh, did Tommy's kid get named? What's the name? Well, I'll get onto it. I'll get onto it. Oh, sorry. Don't you worry. We'll do that. Let me just do some housekeeping.

3:09This is Monday's main episode, which you'll be able to watch on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Wednesday. And then we'll be doing a bonus episode, which comes out audibly on Thursday, which you can watch on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Sunday. This episode will contain swearing. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself, rape review, do all of that sort of crap. So, go on. Midas. shut up no as in like I don't mind that I like that Midas was Midas so Midas was the king that everything he touched turned to gold like that do you think that Tommy Fury knows that no but a bit Molly does yeah probably yeah because he's going to be rich that kid so she's literally sitting there being like yeah we know Midas Fury well I like that do you have it on his trunks he trunks and he had it on the back of his his fucking robe did he win yes did he win he won did you knock him out no no on points he won I won on points wait how did you were you you were on holiday when this happened did you watch this on your holiday no I just caught up with it I would have loved to see Pete being like sorry guys two seconds just got the iPad up and did it yeah I like boxing don't I and I just it was just all over Instagram wasn't it so I didn't purposely watch it just to find out the baby's name.

4:29It was more the boxing that I was interested in. How many mums or like sort of fans of Molly May do you think tuned in to a boxing match to find out what the kid's name was? Loads. Do you reckon there was a lot? Oh, honestly. Twitter was a flame. Was a flame. Just so many people. I'll tell you what's also quite a flame. You. Yeah. Bit of a holiday glow on Peter. I've been away. I've been on my Ollie Bobs, haven't I? Yeah, you have, mate. I've been on fucking holiday. Yeah. It was delightful. Switched off from the world as much as I could. Yeah. Until some sad **** decided to take pictures of me whilst I was on holiday.

5:08I did. I saw you in the pool. Just from the bed next to us. I actually offered one of them a cigarette. Oh. And they, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really nice. I know exactly who you are. All right. If you bumped into them, like, today, just, like, in this sort of, like, building, Would you go up to them and be like, you bastard? No, I'd take a picture of them from a distance and I'd put it on my Instagram and say, this is the rat that thinks it's okay to do them sort of things. Listen, we're just out there minding our own business and yeah, that's what people do. But lovely holiday. I'll just ask you a quick question, mate.

5:38Yes, absolutely. If you don't mind. I've never been locked in an embrace with you in a pool. No, you have. I've never. Well, you have because it was on a flag at Glastonbury, mate. So don't come at me with your fucking lies. That's so true. Well, you know, I kind of mounted you from behind. You were sort of like, you know, face-to-face mounting with someone. And, like, I've just never been in that position with you before. You looked so comfortable and relaxed. I had a very, very lovely holiday. And do you know what? For me, obviously, you know, I don't go on holiday. This year I'm on holiday.

6:12Yeah. All right? I mean, this is holiday mode, Pete. Really enjoy it. It's very nice to get away for a few days, I must say. I don't know what I've been missing for the past 37 years of my life and I've refused to go on holiday because I'm pathetic and think it's a waste of time. I've now decided holidays are not a waste of time. That is what we do. You had a lovely time. Do you know what? We had a lovely time on holiday. We did. We did. Yeah. Yes. Question for you as well. You've got a great stance on a bed. Did anyone else see this? Like Pete sat on a lounger. I know just like normal people do that, but you just flopped like on a lounger.

6:48It wasn't a great stance then. It sounds like I died on it. No, no, but you were just sat like how normal people would sit. I think you were munching on a bit of finger food or something on the bed. Fruit platter, I believe. A fruit platter. Peatwicks just sat on a sun lounger, like enjoying a fruit platter. Glass of vino in hand. Just never seen it. Pineapple in the other. Lovely. Still with such authority. Like a flop, but an authoritative flop. Leg cocked. Leg cocked. There was a leg cocked. it was that and then Pete actually sent a photo of his leg cocked to the WhatsApp group yeah that's actually true yeah you went on the holiday and then showed us your legs oh did I?

7:30yeah what group? it was the accountant group or something did I send it to the accountant? oh no no no you did you authorised like a payment you were like sorry lads on my holiday so yeah I was actually doing that I was sat there going through emails and authorising invoices and payments whilst at Nicky Beach having a fucking glass of wine and a fruit platter and getting fucking pictures taken by the f*** behind me. Do you know what's so funny is I've got a friend of mine who noticed Pete on the plane over to Sandtrop. Oh, I've met a couple of Sam's mates already. He goes, yeah, I didn't know whether to say hello or not.

8:06And then like, I've met him before. So like I went over and said hello. And he went, you know when someone looks in the eyes with that like thousand yard stare and you go, he has no idea who I am. No, I remembered afterwards. Oh, that was fun. Yeah. And then I bumped into another one of your mates. Yeah. Shah was there. Very nice. Then messaged him. He actually invited us to a party. Shut up. Did you go? No. Ah, no. Because we ended up doing things. We had plans. But yeah, I was, yeah. Shah, I like Shah. Yeah, he's a nice guy. But yeah, bumped into a couple of your mates. We in the office have been sort of just wondering about sort of holiday mode people.

8:45We've never really seen it before, to be fair. I've been on holiday with you a number of times. We've worked a lot on holiday. Half of this office has been to Vegas with me. But a lot of that was work and a lot of that was like pure boozing. I suppose on the down day, I didn't see it. You didn't see any of us. Actually, we thought you'd dead. We thought you'd passed. So, you know, I think this is a fair question to ask, actually, is holiday mode people when you're just pure relaxing, right? Are you like a get up early and like seize the day by like getting a bed? Do you put a towel down before the night before to try and like bagsy a bed?

9:20Is that like how you roll or do you just sort of saunter down and hope for the best? Well, I would do if I was in Benidorm. Yeah. And you had to fight for the sun loungers, but it's been a while since I've done a holiday like that. So no one fights for a lounger? No, but I do like to get up and go and sit by the pool. So we had lots of plans. So we had lots of different things going on. So, I mean, it was a full itinerary. I think I showed you the itinerary. It was like here and you're doing this and you're doing that and doing that and the place is booked. But on the down day, got up early, went round the pool, had a little coffee.

9:54I went for a 90-minute massage. Shut the fuck up. Stop the entire record. So you'd pre-booked a massage or did you just walk in? At breakfast, I went down to the spa and went, I don't suppose you've got any room today. And they went, midday, sir. And I was up. Sounds lovely. Even that. Even imagining Pete walking in. Because it was a very nice massage. Yeah. Standing in a very nice place. But you got down there, and I hate it when they do this. I've been at the pool, so I had swimming trunks on. And get down, and she gave me little disposable knickers. Do you put them on? Well, of course, yeah.

10:31Oh, I never do. I make them put my boxes into a G-string. But you know, obviously, my issue. Oh, big bollocks. Yeah. So when I turned over, bollock out. It was out. It was just hanging. Boner? No, not a boner. Oh, what? Fucking hell. It happens to the best of us. No, not during a massage. Oh, as if. It honestly doesn't. It doesn't. Yeah, me neither. No, it honestly doesn't get. But yeah, there was a sort of a bollock. I'll pop that back in. Sorry about that. Do you make noises? Do you sleep like when they massage you? Fucking snoring, mate. Really? Yeah. That bad. And I'll tell you how loud the snoring was.

11:09I woke myself up. Really? Yeah. And it's the face down. It was... It's sort of... Yeah, I sound like a pug when I'm having a massage. Do you think she knew she was massaging Pete Wicks? No, darling. Hello. Hello, baby. It's all right, baby girl. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. I knew we'd get there eventually. No, no, no, no. Here we are. Heavily, heavily French. Heavily French. Did you try and give her any French? So that sounded really seedy. Did you try and give her your French? As in like, did you just try and speak French? No, no. So you broke in English? Yeah, well, yeah. No, I just spoke my English and she nodded.

11:45No, but do you know what I do? I bet you do this. You know when like you're speaking to someone who like doesn't speak very good English, you're in their country, right? So like Spain or France or whatever, you suddenly revert to broken English to them. And like, and they - Massage now here. Yeah. And you're like, would it be okay if you wouldn't mind putting me on the bed and a massage? A massage? And they're literally sitting there being like, I know what you're fucking saying. You don't need to do that. So weirdly enough, I don't do that. I just talk normally and then get irritated that they don't understand.

12:19Fucking massage, love. So what I'd like as a massage, if you just concentrate on those bit and think. I would love to go to like a Benidorm and get like one of those scooters. You know how people rock around in them scooters? Oh, me and you down the strip on one of their mobility scooters would be so good. But what about just an electric scooter? Fine, electric scooter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. Scooter. Okay, deal. Next time we go away. To be honest with you, you think, oh, well, this would be. Benidorm is like a spiritual home for me. All right? The shit holiday in Spain is a spiritual home for me.

12:48You would struggle. I think I'd love it. You would love it, but you would struggle. Should we go? The buffet, the all-you-can-eat buffets, you know, popping down at a thing and you get like fucking happy hour and shit. Get me to the Irish bar, mate, just chugging. Yeah, but do you know what I mean? Like you with a fucking jug of sangria that is mostly sort of petrol. Yeah. You'd be on the floor. Oh, it'd be so good. We used to do a team trip to Benidorm. See Sticky Vicky? I think she's dead. The sister, the mum, not the mum, the daughter. No, the mum's definitely dead. The daughter? Yeah, I don't know what she's called.

13:19Something like, I don't know, Gushy Gale or something. I love the way she's followed the family business. That's fucking class, man. She could be in anything. She went, no, I want to follow the lineage. I can't rate that. I rate that quite highly. But we've gone off. We've gone on a tandem bike. Tangent. And I would like to just quickly get back to Tals, if you don't mind, Pete. You on holiday. Can I throw something your way? You've reverted back to that clip I saw of you and they just snogged me. Do you know what? It's because I've spent less time with Pete's on holiday, so I've regained a little bit.

13:52Sam has rediscovered the Chelsea within. Hello. but let me just throw a little situation at you sorry I do apologise cancer I thought we said **** sir I just said I do apologise **** sir someone comes in right they you've sat in a lounger they said they've bagsied it from the night before right and they've been I'm really sorry mate this is my lounger I put my towel there last night it's 6.30 in the morning right what are you saying so yeah it was your bed yesterday as you put it on yesterday no but the rules state that I get that bed. What rules? The Tao rules. Where are they? Mate, it's just a well-known, you know, come on, sir.

14:33It's a well-known thing. Where are you from? I'm German. Yeah, well, in Germany, they might do it differently. Over here, it's my fucking bed because my Tao's on it now. Your Tao is in the pool. Okay, well, I'm going to have to go and get someone then. Who are you going to get? The Tao police? I'm going to go. I'm going to go and get... Who are you going to ask? I'm going to go and get the pool manager. The pool manager. The pool manager. We'll come over and tell you that you're not following the rules. All right, go and get the pool manager and send him over. And whilst you're doing that, pop to the bar and get me a fucking drink.

15:02So you would argue, see, I would tell him, I'm so sorry, sir. No, absolutely fucking not. Really? Are you on the fucking bed? Listen, if someone is on the bed, I'm not going to uproot them and go, get off, this is mine. But if you are not on the bed, it's mine. Question there, can I throw something more down your way then? Let's say you have gone down at seven, you put your stuff there, someone and you've then gone and got yourself a drink someone's now lying on your sun lounger because you didn't put a towel down what are you saying then i didn't put a towel down no i didn't put anything there no where's the free bed then okay fine i've lost it if my stuff is there and you put it moved it off much like i would do to you you're going in the fucking pool i would love to see like a pete an angry like like an angry sun lounger exchange between pete and another punter would be so fucking good no listen this this is this is my fucking thing i mean to be fair we had it on holiday i was i was got a fucking bed somewhere and then they asked us to move halfway through the fucking day because they had a boatload of dutch people on a stag dude come in you're obviously spending stupid amount of money and they wanted the bed that we were on so i said no and it would say but you're just moving to that bed there yeah i'm on this one they can have that one god that would give me the fear that would give me the fear if i i've actually been with pete when he's been in this mood before by the way and i have shrunk into the shadows so so they were like but sir then they will have two beds there then you will be there and then one bed there and i went yeah but this is my bed we did move because because i was told i was embarrassing yes my next question should be the person that you're with You know when you're doing it in front of them and it's like, oh Pete, for fuck's sake, just do it.

16:52I can imagine that's exactly how it would have gone. It's no big deal. You're making a fucking scene. But I've been here all day. I know exactly where that goes. But yeah, it's been a while since I've ever had towel wars or any of that sort of stuff. The etiquette of a holiday is really interesting. For example, if someone leaves to go and get lunch, how long are they allowed to go and get lunch for before you can take their lounge? Oh, no, no, no. It's yours. Okay, there's no other lounges at all. It's all completely booked. Someone's there for three hours having lunch. three hours of a nudge.

17:21If your stuff is there, if you've taken your stuff and you've fucked off, then that's my fucking bed. And I don't mean put a lighter on it because I'll take that and all. I mean, I need a towel there, I need some piece of clothing and maybe some sun cream, something that signifies that this is someone's area. This is my domain. All right? It's like a dog. If you ain't marked your fucking territory, I'm going to piss all over it. It has to be more than a towel then. It's got to be like a towel and a wallet. No, don't leave your wallet. Okay, no, not a wallet. Who would leave their wallet? I've actually, I leave my phone and wallet actually.

17:51It's quite a bad thing, isn't it? Then you're getting fucking robbed and it would be me that would rob you. No, but like there needs to be, if I know that someone, I'm not going to do that, regardless if there's no other beds, then I'll just find whoever is weaker than them around the, the weakest person at the point. Oh God, it's like prison. It's like. Listen, you always go for the weak ones. I can imagine you turning around to who you would be. My rules are, if you're old, you can do what you want. Yeah. If you've got kids, you can do what you want. If you are respectful and with your partner, like if it's a nice couple and they look very nice, you can do what you want.

18:24If you're a group of lads, I'm fucking coming for you. If you are loud and noisy, I'm coming for you. And if I don't like the way you're dressed, I'm coming for you. Interesting. Interesting. So this actually leads me on to another question then. Would you make friends on holiday? Are you a friend holiday man? I when I'm on holiday what I like to do is not socialise because I'm on holiday and when I'm on holiday it's my time to be on holiday if someone comes in and sits down just sits down uninvited on your bed and goes hey man I saw you I've seen you around yeah well I've seen you around as well and I preferred it when I saw you around not in front of me so someone came up and was like do you want to play a game of Uno just like sat on the bed do you want to just play a game with Uno me and you and whoever you're with we'll do a double thing no but do you know what is annoying is that like I'm I obviously say this for effect but I'm I'm quite a nice person I you know people that were on the beds next to us do you mind if I have a cigarette yeah have a cigarette and whatever else they then took pictures of me and sent it to the sun yeah so this is why I don't want to fucking make friends with people I'm just quite happy everyone's on their own holiday have a lovely time do you know what I mean away from each other I go on holiday to get away from people you know what I mean I just want to enjoy what I'm doing in the sun have a nice time sometimes when you go out on nights out and stuff it's different but during the day especially I don't really want to talk on a night I've had a few drinks and whatever else we'll have a chat well it's no different to being over here you kind of make friends with people whatever else stag do's hen do's those sort of things they're fucking they are the epitome of fucking hell.

20:15Cannot stand a stag or a hinder. Stag on a flight. Yeah, it's just flights, airports, no need to make friends. We all just want to get where we want to get. From A to B. Whether that's at home or whether that's on holiday, we've got bags to collect. It's fucking annoying. Airports, you're waiting around. Not a great time to strike up a chat. Don't do it. Just everyone, just travel through the airport in your own little lane and carry on. Yeah. We don't need to make friends everywhere we go. We do though, don't we? We don't. Yeah, we do though. I don't like the friends I've got. I don't want any more.

20:52I'm one of them. Yeah. I don't want any more. Nearly threw up on you on a flight before. Pete once let me lie in his lap on a flight. Yeah. He let me rest my head on his bollocks on a flight because I was so ill. That's true. Sorry. I put a neck rest there. It wasn't directly on the bollocks. Yeah, it was. I was lying on your lap. Don't fucking lie. Don't lie for the people. It was literally a neck rest. No, it wasn't. I was literally on your cock. Sam, I literally had a neck rest there. Did you? Yes. I swear I was lying on it. I remember this because we bought it at the airport and I said to you, we were travelling from Glasgow.

21:26It's a 45... Dundee. It's like a 45 minute plus. You don't need a neck rest. I remember having the conversation. You went, wait, but at the airport, it's what you do in it. Pete let me nestle in as I was throwing up. No, aeroplanes are tough. like airplanes are tough for everyone concerned I don't like being on an airplane you strike me as an aisle man always aisle yeah you strike me needs to be if there's ever a commotion he needs to be able to get up yeah I need to like if anything happens I need to be able to help or fucking you know also if you need the bathroom I feel like you're not the kind of guy who's like I don't go to the bathroom just hold it in for an entire flight what have you got like a 10 hour flight yeah no as if did you see me go to the bathroom once in Vegas have you seen me go to the bathroom once in Colorado once fuck I haven't nope I strap in Vegas you did not go to the I strap in remember yeah and that's me done I had two shits on that flight to Vegas there I don't move that is absolutely wild to me have you ever used their services no it's great I've been in a plane toilet before but out of complete necessity I think when I went to Australia oh no I waited for the layover actually yeah bloody hell it's absolutely wild yeah don't like it you learn something new about Pete see this is the thing does Pete exist always comes back and gives you some diamonds.

22:40I don't care how long you do it, you always find out something just shocking. That must be so uncomfortable to, like, just not piss or shit on a flight. And then here you are. Yeah, but it's just a lot. Airport toilets and, like, airports. Airports, for me, are a collection of idiots travelling. That's how I would describe an airport. It's a collection of idiots travelling and a collection of idiots working. Idiots. We're all just... That's all you get at airports. Idiots. Just cattle. I feel like if you... It's just always a fucking nightmare. Yeah. It's just, I hate airports with a passion. I love them.

23:27Airports, listen, what an airport does, and do you know where I like one airport I like? City airport. Because it's so close. Yeah, banging. in City Airport is so good not in close in out in out straight through there's like four there's like four terminals people aren't loitering around shopping yeah they're not because there's only fucking Pret and WH Smith do you know what I mean once you've got a sandwich and some sun cream you fucking sit down again to the point where people actually do just stand and do nothing in City Airport they just stand it's loitering around and browsing through this and browsing through that why?

24:01I love a browse no I love it I always get a new pair have I arms no but it's And it's airports abroad are hell. Yeah. Because generally airports in the UK are terrible because it's generally full of British people going on holiday. Yeah. And we as a nation are fucking idiots. But when you go abroad, you have a collection of idiot nations. On the way back as well. All browsing, arguing at their own speed, all queuing up for things they don't fucking need because they haven't prepared properly for their flights. I mean, that aggravates me. That's me. There's a lack of preparation. Who goes to an airport and goes, do you know what I need to get?

24:41Deodorant, suntan cream, a brush, a toothbrush, a toothpaste. That is literally me. But what? I just forget. See, so you haven't prepared for your flights? No, but I haven't. You haven't prepared for your holiday? Who remembers a toothbrush? Like, I never remember a toothbrush. With a fucking brain. No, never. Sorry, did you think on a, do your teeth wash themselves on holiday? No, but then in the car, I always go, fuck, I've got my toothbrush again. But there was no need to forget. You know you're going away. And an adapter. Unless someone surprises you and goes, hey, get something together. We're going to the airport.

25:16You know you're going away. You know you're going away. Pack. Nah, I just forget everything. I forget. I didn't bring a wash bag last year before I went on. I had to buy the entire thing. I'm terrible at packing, by the way, but I don't forget things. I just stuff things in and then steam everything on arrival and hang it up. You strike me as a no social media guy on holiday as well. Yeah, don't. Yeah, you strike me as phone off, will not speak to anyone. Yeah, DND. Are you on DND? Do not disturb. DND. Lovely. I didn't bother calling you. I'm on holiday. Yeah. I don't need, I'm on holiday. Get the fuck away from me, you prick.

25:53I'll pick and choose. Emails, I don't mind because I can pick and choose that. But I don't need to be called. Yeah. If I need you, you will know. and you certainly don't need me because what I'm doing is drinking in the sun. There is nothing I can do at this point. I can't help. I cannot help you. So I'm on holiday. And when I'm on holiday, I want to stay on holiday. Well, then you won't know there was a social media ban. There was a social that's coming into effect very, very soon. And it's for under 16s. I'm all right. Is your girlfriend all right? She's just about fine. There's a social media ban for under 16s.

26:33Amazing. Generally, I don't have much to say on it other than amazing. However, how do we police this? Well, you've just got to put in all the details. When I say how do we, I'm not part of the committee that polices it. Yeah, so explain to me properly then. How does it work? So people under 16… They have to put their ID in, basically, or they have to put in some sort of identification as to how old they are. Okay, so when did that come in? It's coming in next year, I think next spring, isn't it? Excellent. Yeah, June next year. Oh, so it's not in yet. They've just passed the law. Okay. So by then, what will happen is there's already some clever little people working out how the kids can get on social media.

27:10Oh, yeah, 100%. So by then, it'll make fuck all difference. Yeah, that's what everyone's saying. Fuck all difference. Other than, like, you know, your community of posh kids that don't have access to naughty people. Sounds weird. That did sound weird. But kids will still be on it. It just creates, in fact, now they want to be on it even more. Yeah, because they're not allowed. Yeah, but we're trying to go for a younger audience, mate. This is terrible for us. We're trying to get the kids. Sam, in all honesty, we don't want under-16s. Come on. Come on. There you go, who are you looking for? Come on.

27:49What demographic are you looking for? Under-16s. No. No. No. No. No, we want 16-24. That's the one, 16-24. You've grasped it. I haven't but yeah no you don't want under 16s anyone but I think it's a good thing yeah yeah fuck them you giving Olive you allowing Olive to have a a social media account yeah when she's 16 okay when she's not no really if she wanted one she'd find a way yeah but there's not much she can do but I do think it's a good thing because there is a lot of crap like like in all when you think about it it is a good thing yeah I know it is do you know what I mean Like if they did like under eight, like, but I think 16, then you make your own fucking decision to just fucking sit up and do what you fucking like.

28:34But really, does an 11 year old need to be on Instagram? Like really? Do they? Well, this is the thing, because I feel like does an 11 year old need to listen to this podcast and me calling everyone a ****? That's no point. Not really. I don't think they do, do they? I forgot we turned into the old people, Pete, but like I remember a time when we were in the park playing football. and does that happen anymore? Probably not because everyone's on social media now. You remember a time when we were in the park? Me and you were in the prison yard and we were kicking a ball around. No, listen, I don't, look, I think it's a good thing because of the access that kids will get or have to just mindless crap on the fucking, like on social media.

29:18But do I think that it will make them go out and fucking be kids? No. No. they'll find something else and it's just what it is we've now kids have lost being kids oh it's a shame for kids am I fucking 60 years old you found it but it's true though like I like now like again airports or holidays kids are just they're just fucking do you know what I mean but do you know what as well mate they're losing everything they don't want to be there they're not fucking do you know what I mean you don't really see a lot of kids in the pool in that now really nah well everywhere I went was adult only you ever peed in the pool You ever peed in a pool before?

29:56I've peed in a pool before. Have you? No way. Not now. Oh my God. When was the last time you peed in the pool? When I was a kid. Everyone pissed in the pool. It sounds like you peed in the pool recently. No, everyone pisses in the pool when they fucking kid. Probably. No. 25? Yeah, maybe. Oh, wow. Pete pees in pools. But when you were younger and you used to get fucking hammered and you're at a fucking pool party and you're saying, oh, it's fucking... And there's always a fucking queue for the tour, just piss in the pool. But then what happened was social media. And the die. And then you start seeing the die.

30:35The fear now... Oh, mate, if that started following me around, I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What would you do? What would you do if you'd peed in the pool, right? And the die came up around you. You tried to shimmy away from it and followed you and people started to take notice. What, like... What would you put... just put your hands up and go, look, guys, I'm really sorry. I'm going to make an announcement. I did just piss in the pool. I wouldn't need to make an announcement. We all know what's happened here. I'm grabbing me stuff. I'm off. Don't worry. I'm off. Oh, mate. Is that true?

31:07Is that real? I don't know. I've never seen it before. Well, I don't know, but it put the fear of God in me to the point where... Yeah, same. And that was like years ago that that first I was in, like fucking 10 years ago saying. But yeah, everyone's pissed in the pool. Anyone that... Look, anyone that... sits there and says they haven't is a fucking liar. I never have. Piss off. On my life. Sam, Sam. I've never. You don't even wipe your arsehole, mate. You've pissed in a pool. I haven't. You left shit in your toilet for your girlfriend to find. That is true. You've pissed in a pool. No, do you know what?

31:38Don't fucking lie. I haven't. I haven't. You are a liar. I'm not. I've never pissed in a pool. I've shat by a pool before next to it by mistake. Not by mistake, sorry. How do you mistake the toilet for shitting by the pool? I was really young. I was really young. I was wearing board shorts. It just slid out of my short leg. And my mum was actually - No, no, no. But you're saying that it's like the board shorts were the problem. No, no, no. The fact that you just shit yourself is the problem, mate. Not the fact that it popped out the bottom of the board shorts. It just slid out the board shorts.

32:09My mum was like, devastating. What do you mean? No, it didn't slide out of the board shorts. It did. It slid out of your arsehole. And then through the board shorts. Well, of course. Because you're just wearing - Don't shit. in public. Yeah, no, I was young. I was super young. I was like, now? No. How old was it? 22, 23? No, I was like six. Teen. I was like six years old, but I've never peed in a pool ever in my life. Well, look, I don't even know what to say you shit by a pool. Pete on holiday. I'm going to be honest with you. I've learned so fucking much over this little period of time. I'm going to be honest with you, mate.

32:42My opinion on the whole kind of social media band, I think is probably the same as most people. but God they can't have a wank now either well they can no you can't you can't go on porn from what I've heard from what I've heard you can't go on porn now right but also sorry wanking wasn't invented with the internet yeah but realistically if you're a teenager how do you think the old man fucking had a tug when he was little I don't know he probably didn't he didn't wank no I don't wank no No. No, you don't. No? Generally don't. No. Only because your birds moved in. You know when your girlfriend asks you, they go, like, have you ever pleasured yourself?

33:29And you're like... No girl has ever said to me. What? Sorry, I've got a question. Have you ever pleasured yourself? I just didn't want to say a rude word on the pod. I didn't want to be... What? No, sorry. Is this your first time? No, I just didn't want to sound... Okay, fine. Yeah, fine. Vaginas. Like, oh, what? You brought up wanking. You were the first one to bring wanking to the table and men don't want to talk about it. Then I panicked and I imagined the comments being like, oh, we won't stop talking about shitting and wanking. So I said, pleasure yourself to make it sound a little bit more amenable.

34:03Well, it didn't. It was weird. So, has your girlfriend ever asked you, have you... Had a wank? Yeah. Have you ever had a wank, right? Why is it that the only answer is, where they go, have you had a wank since you've met me? And the only answer as a boy that you will ever give I'm going to disagree with this. Is no. No, completely disagree. Have you said yes? Absolutely, yeah. When did you last have a wank? Last night. Shut up. No way. On my fucking mother's life. Your missus turns around to you, right? And goes, have you had a wank in the past two weeks? Did you say yes? Yeah. That's so bold.

34:40That's so bold. When did you last have a wank? This morning. Whatever. Sets me up for the day. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? Oh, different things. This morning it was big fat tears. I don't know.

34:55That gives me the fear of God. I feel like most guys would always just be like, no, absolutely not. No. Yeah, most guys. Yeah, probably, maybe. But I wank when I wank. That's such a good way of living. That should be tattooed on someone. Do you know what? Well, funnily enough. If you're trying to describe a personality to someone, I feel like that is the best way of getting who that person is across. So, like, you know, if you're like, they look quite a laissez-faire dude, like, they just, they are who they are. And you go, mate, they just wank when they wank. Well, how? They just are who they are.

35:32Why is it that you wouldn't admit that? Well, because I don't. And you'll never hear me say I do.

35:43A lot of sofa tapping. Okay. All right. All right. That's not me being like, Kira, do you? No, it isn't. That's you saying you haven't in nearly a year then. No, I haven't. In nearly a year. Yeah. So, all right. Fine. All right. Fine. That's okay. Josh, what about you? No. No, we don't ask. Even I'm doing the nose now. Yeah. Listen, I'm... Oh. Oh. Hello. He's alarmed to have a wank. Got to take my antibiotics. Oh, for fuck's sake. You couldn't have put that on louder. He's like, better have my antibiotics. Literally saved by the bell. Let's take the antis.

36:27Why are you looking at me like that? You're just a sad little man. So, all right, fine. Cool, no one wanked. You're just a medical disaster. at least I don't wank well of course not absolutely not I'll tell you what does give you a hard on though what barbecues oh mate I have been grilling like you would not believe we've got lots of time on your hands you're not wanking mate fish meat corn on the cob anything you can think of has been on that barbecue I am now so good at barbecue so it wasn't I know I was away but over the weekends you know I was you know in 30 degree heat it wasn't overly hot on the weekends was it I thought wasn't it fucking hot I mean it was it was oh it was warm oh it was warm humid it was nice enough no it was boiling well it wasn't it was I got burnt no it wasn't nothing that's a burn no that's a nipple that's a burn that's a nipple and I'm also shaved down here and not up here by mistake that's a burn is that just because of the cum gets all in the no oh no don't wake so So over the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

37:40Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yeah, so we had a three-day barbecue-a-thon. Yeah. The plants are in. The garden's now finished. I've got bees! I've got bees, everyone. And I've got a water station for bees.

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39:47Sorry. Oh, oh, yeah. Barbecuing. Did you barbecue any bees? No. No. Okay, good. why mate it's the best thing in the world brother I was trying to think of a question but why mate but for three days I promise you so did you did you mix up what you had on the barbecue for the three days first day was steaks and sauces second day was a sea bass third day was prawns oh wow mate I went in and what accompaniments and garnishes do you do with your barbecue I bought all the rubs for the steak I bought different herbs and spices mate I've literally, I have absolutely nailed it. It's like a dance, Pete.

40:30Well, you have to understand about barbecuing. It's a proper dance. Is it? Yeah, it's like, I actually said it's like DJing. It's like DJing. Right. Mate, you can't step away for too long because things happen on that barbecue and you have a little safety raft up top. So you let Telly barbecue? No. So she's the DJ? No, she was down. She was just chilling by the water fountain. Yeah, she was by the water fountain. Yeah, we have a fountain. Where were you at? The Lido? We have a fountain. You have a water fountain? I have a water fountain. It's amazing. So my garden is... Sorry, I know... No, no, I completely understand.

41:01Your garden does look very nice. What's the need for the water fountain? Oh, the trickle. Mate, if you've never heard a water trickle on a hot day... Sorry, you're talking about a water feature. Yeah. Not a water fountain that you drink out of. Oh, no, no, no, yeah, a water feature. Yeah, sorry, yeah. It's not a fountain. Oh, right, yeah. A fountain... Yeah, that's a good point. It's a water feature that trickles down. Right, fuck me. I thought she was just there fucking slurping on the water fountain whilst you were barbecuing your prawns. I've been grilling. I've been grilling. Baby, I've been grilling for you.

41:29I've been grilling. That's a Beyonce song, if you didn't know. No, no, no. We understood. And what I can imagine now is you were singing That's Your Bird. I was. I was just singing. I've been grilling. I've been grilling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Mate, it's fucking class. So the barbecue works. And I can do the candy song. You know the candy dance? It tastes like candy. What's that got to do with this? Oh, mate, I was learning. I was learning it all through the weekend. But what's that got to do with? I don't know. It's just part of the barbecue routine now. You come round, you've got to do the candy dance.

42:00It's part of the barbecue routine. So when you say barbecue is like dancing, what you mean is I barbecue and dance. So it's not like dancing. Barbecuing causes you to dance. Me, Louise, Ryan, Talley all did the candy dance together in the patio. In the patio? On the patio, yeah. Well, in the garden, yeah. And then when you guys come round, we've all got it. It's like the brighter passage. We all have to do the candy dance. whilst I be grilling I be grilling I'm obsessed man and then do you know what you do as well afterwards gotta keep it clean so you hose down everything I'm hosing my plants twice a day so into it I can't go over just a candy dance oh you would love it it's really easy for you to do I know exactly what the dance is yeah but why and then you gotta do the hop and the move yeah but why because it's fucking cool is it yeah so the barbecue works oh does it work oh amazing well that is good that is good does anything else work because last time people was there nothing fucking worked everything works now everything works we are over the moon yeah I'll tell you what my fucking neighbours are wankers that is mad I put up an Instagram video you might have seen you did see it because you said this is rude I put up an Instagram video asking my neighbours for a beer or whether I could join their party and Pete messaged with a megaphone yeah and Pete goes sit down and shut the fuck up prick No, I said, sit down, shut up, prat.

43:25Got over a thousand likes. It's really upset. But the thing is, you were stood on, I don't know, one of your plant pots or whatever the fuck you were doing. Yeah. With a megaphone. Yeah. People just, what they don't want, if I was laying in the fucking garden and then some topless tit who has been repeatedly playing candy for the entire weekend whilst singing, I'd be grilling, then decided, can I come for a beer? Can I join a beer? No, I do not. They're having a party. But that's their private area. They were having a party. Well, you weren't invited. That's why I wanted to know if I would be.

44:02To which they said no. So that doesn't make them pricks. That makes them sensible. Just rude. Well, it's not rude. Just rude. Neighbour Wars now. But did you invite them over for candy? No, because they obviously didn't want to fucking know. So fuck them. I'm going to spray them with a hose. Excellent. Yeah. We've got Neighbour Wars now. Wonderful. Wonderful. Well, that is fucking exciting. I'm going to be honest with you, Sam. What I am going to say to this, the thrill of the barbecue, the arguing with the neighbours, all of that leads me to believe that you are potentially having a midlife crisis.

44:35The gardening, everything. Are you middle-aged now? I think I might be middle-aged. And I love it. I love it. I'm middle-aged. I actually have, I have a, oh God, what's it called? I've got, oh, what's it called? I have, oh, fuck, what's it called? Hemorrhoids. Yeah, I've got a fucking hemorrhoid. Do you know what, I'll tell you, there's nothing more humbling than going into the pharmacy and asking for anisole. Shit name, that. You've been buying anisole for years. Yeah, for different things. And because I was actually, to be honest with you, and this is quite serious, I was having a little bit of passing blood, And so I was like, oh God.

45:19So I went to the doctor and got checked, which we should all as men do. And he put a finger up there and had a little root around. He went, you got a hemorrhoid. And I went, no way. He was like, yeah. He goes, you need anusol for that. And he went - Don't worry, I've got it. Yeah. Why is that? Well, let me tell you. And it was a guy and he actually apologized after. So like, you didn't need to apologize. Now you've made it weird. And he goes, you got hemorrhoids. So I had to go into the pharmacy and I had to be like, hi where do you keep your anusol and i just think that's a really like shitty thing for someone to call that it should just be called like it should have like a scientific name like my antibiotics call like phenomoxyl something penicillin like calling something like that so it's like and like ambiguous there's no ambiguity about anusol you know exactly where that's going

46:13that's my rant over so do we need a minute but I'm middle aged no no you are middle aged and look I don't hate it I'm fucking loving it barbecuing gardening anisole you know I make trips to the doctors regularly so it's been in trips to the non-essential doctors yeah as well you've been topping up on the face bunk oh yeah I'm going with Pippa got some got some nice salmon sperm to the cheeks, which was nice. Oh, we've moved away from the eyes? No, sorry, I meant under our bags. Oh, right, sorry, sorry. We got some under our bags with it, yeah. Didn't use the company card this time as well. Well, that is...

46:54I actually foot the bill. Are we... I paid for Pippa's in cosmetics. Amazing. Well, that is, that's nice. Thank you. How do you think they look? Clapped. Thank you. This is amazing. Is this, you're so coordinated today. The outfit's coordinated You look good today Are we entering a Sort of back end 2026 glow up? No, do you know what? Because you started to let yourself go I did start to let myself go Again, people have told you that You know, repeatedly You got comfortable getting in a relationship Are we brushing that off And we're going back into Do you know what? Tally, my girlfriend hasn't said anything But you know, I have tried a little bit more But this I just threw together, Pete I just threw this on.

47:43Well, I'll be honest with you. You look great. And you had to walk to the spare room to get that. I did. Yeah. How do you know that? Well, because she's got all your. Yeah. Tally's got a full. Tally has a full room. Because she's moved in officially. She has. My girlfriend's moved in. I'm living with a girl. Whey. Crazy, man. Crazy. Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Mad, mate. Living with a girl again. Shit. How we are again. Has she done that on purpose, though? What, moved in? Well, like, because obviously towards the end part of this year, you've got something coming up. Has she done it on purpose? What have I got coming up?

48:23Just so you can fight the, you know, the curse. What have I got coming up? Well, I know what she's done. What's she done? Well, we can't say, we're not saying it's not been announced yet. I have no idea what you're talking about. But they have started the announcements, and we're just, we're all on tenets waiting for you. Straight become dancing. I know. No. You know, the curse affects a lot of people and obviously, you know, Taddy's probably worried about it. You're going to be away a lot. Yeah. You know, you're going to be dancing and oh God. So she's like, I better get in there first. Guess who I've got.

49:00Oh, well, you can't because we can't announce it yet. Yeah, Vita. Amazing. Are you excited about it? I am not doing Strictly and I need you to know that alright I'm not but are you excited I'm not doing it what do you think your toughest dance is going to be the tango you think yeah what the Argentine or just the tango Argentine tango because you've got to get close up to someone yeah yeah well she's going to hate that I'm not actually doing it but that would be that would be something that like if I were to do Strictly I don't know how I would like would I like be given like goofy songs or like sexy songs.

49:39No. Imagine me trying to do a sexy dance, like face to face with someone, like slicked back gelled hair and like some just, yeah. God damn it. What do you think the best dance for you would be? I think something like a cha-cha. Yeah. What was your Joker one? No, that wouldn't be good for you. Why not? Because that was a Viennese waltz. What's that? That's like a ballroom dance. you're going to be more kind of Latin shake it around all over the gap yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean give me some hip action cha cha was when I did I'm too sexy for my shirt that was quite early on wasn't it no that was blackball mate the scores were as if it was early on but yeah listen I'm excited for you I'm going to be on a shirt and we're all so so proud of you ask you a question we think we're going to we think you're going to do the same you did in the jungle the nation will fall in love with you because people are actually going to think that I'm fucking doing it and I'm not doing it Congratulations to Sam.

50:35I'm not doing it. I'm genuinely not doing Strictly. Strictly's new star. I'm not doing it. Yeah, baby. If I was doing it, you would not. I can't believe I've got to go back again for another year to watch someone. It's mental. If I did do it, you can't watch. Yeah, of course I would. Would you be there every week? No. How many times did you? Once. No, fuck off. I came more than once. I came four times. Yes. I was there for 13 weeks. And I came four times. It's a long old show, that. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's like, you know, it's like travelling halfway across the world. I knew you were going to say that.

51:04I will never live down. For three weeks. Be going to fucking Australia. For three weeks. Fuck's sake. I can't win that argument ever. No, you absolutely can't. But look, listen, we are all so proud of you. Just listen, just be yourself. I've got a headache. Just go with it. Go with the flow. You'll be fine. No wonder, obviously, we've been sort of at the doctors, getting the medicals and the anusole and everything in prep. The anusole. I'll be honest with you, you might need that. coming up to Christmas. But yeah, listen, we are very proud of you. And I know you're not going to do what you did last time and guarantee us, you know, anything.

51:42Because after Soccer Aid, when you guaranteed us to go and let us down, at this point, we're just hoping for the best from Strictly. Because, you know, when you do guarantee things, you quite often fall short. Don't you? No, once. And I didn't get any time. Well, no, you've guaranteed, you've guaranteed, well, you had 20 minutes. As a left back, You can't do shit as a left back. Really? No, can't do anything. Try turning that to Trent Alexander-Arnold. He's managed to score quite a few from back there, didn't he? That's a very good point. Yeah. Touche. Yeah. Someone's got some football knowledge that Sam didn't know about.

52:20Thank you. Very good. I mean, look, you have guaranteed it's three years on the bounce and it hasn't happened. We don't know if you're going to go back to Soccer Aid. We hope you do because you love it so much. But three years and you haven't really set the pitch alight as of yet. You know, maybe like Tally said, you're a grower. Maybe we're going to grow into Soccer Aid. Who knows? But at this point, you're guaranteed saying and it didn't happen. So there's going to be a forfeit. All right, fine. We decided on the forfeit. Oh, no, it's that awful fish. So you are going to be having the Swedish fermented fish, which is called surströmming.

53:07Oh, I'm a little bit ill. You're going to try that now. I think it'll be good. It'll be good. I'll tell you what, it'll help with the old back passage because that'll fly straight out. Oh, my God. Shit. Literally. Let's imagine what you're going to do. I'm excited for you to try this. I have had experience with this before. Have you? So I know you're going to take this seriously, and I know you're going to take this within your stride. I think just before we get the first thrumming in, you should just look down the barrel of the camera. Apologise. Just look down the camera. If you hold on two seconds, Annalise, if you just look down, apologise.

53:45Tell them what you're about to do, why you're doing it. Thank you. Hello, I'm Sam Thompson. One half is staying relevant to the podcast, and I would just like to say formally that I'm sorry. I said that I'd be getting a goal in soccer aid. Didn't realise I was going to be put left back and only get 20 minutes. But hey, what can you do? I did promise something. So here we are eating a sir strumming, which is a Swedish fermented fish. Knighted. Annalise, my wonderful waitress. Thank you so much. If you could please bring in the fish. Okay. Fuck me. Here we go. Smells so bad. Oh, shit. It smells.

54:27Oh, my God. That is horrific. What I'd just like to do at this point is say thank you for listening to Stare Relevant with Pee Wicks and Sam Thompson. If you want to feature in the podcast, then email the worst email address in the world, which is hellosrproductions.co.uk. Make sure you subscribe, follow, do all of that sort of stuff. Enjoy yourself. Oh, no, I can't. I'm going to be sick. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And we'll see you on Thursday. I physically can't. I can't do that. Sam, Sam, Sam. I can't make that. It actually smells like fucking ass. Mate, that smells like fucking ass. You say at the start of this, you want to suck ass?

54:59No, that smells like fucking ass. Like actual ass. Why am I crying? I'm not even meant to... Let's do it. Go for it. Just go for it. You can do this. One, two, three, go.

55:13I can't do it. I can't do it.

55:19I can't do it. I'm really ill. Oh my God. I can't do it. Sam, you have to Fuck off Come back Piss off You didn't score, you promise You promise So Sorry Let us down again The smell, please can you go sit back over there Because this smells really bad I can't do it, I'm going to be sick I'm actually going to be sick I'm sorry, I need to put this down That is the most disgusting, I'm going to smell Don't put it in the bin My very love That is so bad, I need to go out I don't know what to do It's in my fucking mouth You haven't eaten it yet It smells like fart Just let us have one more try It tastes like fart You're not even on mic Sam's walked off And he's crying in the corner It tastes like fart Sam You guaranteed us something It tastes and smells like fart I understand that But we felt like farts and shit When you didn't score Yeah exactly Pippa Exactly Pippa You're going to have to come back over here I genuinely can't either You let us all down I genuinely can't either Please me, just bring it back over here and have one more time.

56:22I can't have that. I think of all the people that want you to do this. I really can't eat that. You let us all down, Sam. What about one bite? I took a bite. You didn't. Look, that's a bite. But you didn't break through the surf strumming. That is the worst smell and taste that I have ever tasted in my life. I've eaten a pig's vagina, mate. That is the worst thing. Listen, we hear your thoughts But I'm going to be honest with you Oh man We hear your thoughts But I'm going to be honest with you Sam, you let us all down No, don't lick it I'm not licking it What about like a weenie bite? Tiny, tiny You let us down Yeah, there you go, well done Now we just need to swallow from you.

57:18I can't do it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried. I can't do it. I'm going to be sick. I'm actually going to be sick. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry.

57:30So many of you. This has been one of my favourite episodes.

57:42I can't do it. I'm so sorry. That's worse than I've ever tasted. Oh, he's let us down again. This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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1:00:03Go to ShipStation.com and use code audio and get 30 days free. Hello Relevanters! We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog Marry Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin, we don't know yet, we were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, genie. I don't know, I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.