186: WE'RE WINNERS BABY!

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1:19At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W. Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. well well well everybody welcome to staying relevant the podcast hosted by two bestest of best pals me sam thompson and two-time trick award winner peter james jonathan joseph wicks come on bitches this is the main episode which means it's Monday and then we will be doing a bonus episode which comes out on Thursday you can watch the main episode as of 5pm on Wednesday night on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel and then you can watch the bonus episode which comes out Thursday audibly on Sunday from 5pm on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel which means you can catch us on a Monday Wednesday Thursday Sunday amazing just do that again for me because we're doing everything two times these days.

2:40Oh, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. Two time. Make sure you rate, review and follow. Make sure you rate, review and follow. Sam, do you want to kick us off? Sam, do you want to kick us off? I, I, I, I, I, do you know what, Pete? I'm speechless. I'm actually speechless. Terrible thing to be honest podcast. Yeah, but mate, I, I, I, we are a two time award winning motherfucking podcast and and like i genuinely believed and pete believed i think as well that like you don't get these things twice in a row no you just don't no and um and to win twice in a row is just fucking phenomenal and and and i feel like just when you know whenever we doubt ourselves you don't doubt us absolutely and and it's just beautiful and and do you know what pete sorry Pete said something really nice to me, actually, when we collected the award.

3:37And as you can imagine, he's held on to it. Yeah. I dreamt about it tonight. Pete said... Carry on. Pete said, how does this feel to you, mate? I went, you know what? This feels better than the first one. And Pete said, it's because it shows the first one wasn't a fluke. And I fucking agree with that. Ah, fuck! Oh, my God, I didn't see that coming. Oh, my God. Sorry, I just thought that was the right moment. Did I get it wrong? Oh, my God. Was that the wrong moment to do it? That. Sorry, I thought that was the right moment to do it. Wow. I prematurely... Brother. Sorry. I think I just shat myself.

4:17The fright that I just got. You said something nice, and I thought that was a real nice exposure. I thought that was the... Sorry, did I get that wrong? The mood ruined. Mate, that was... Honestly, I mean it, though. that was that was oh fuck I can't see that was like one of the nicest things that Pete said and I also agree wholeheartedly for it because it wasn't a fucking flute we're fucking here to stay staying relevant we're going nowhere and it's a public vote so both of the trick awards it's always nice to get awards and stuff but I think it always means more to us when it's actually voted by people that listen to the podcast rather than people that just do it because they have to yeah exactly like no one had to vote for us So it's very nice that you all did.

5:01So thank you very much. When you watch this episode, you will see that Sam and I are joined by Unflatable Flamingo. We are joined by lots of decorations. There's congratulations. There's banners. That was a confetti cannon. I didn't shoot him, for those of you who can't see. All of that has been put together. Party poppers and also there's a strobe light, Sam, if you want to whack that on. Oh, yeah, baby. All of that was decorated by the team before. Or we knew if we'd won. Yeah, it's a bit dicey, that. Bit dicey, because this could have been quite awkward. But thankfully, we did win. Struggling with the...

5:37I am. It's not turning on, but it's okay. It's okay. It's in spirit. We don't need it. But yeah, it was good. It was a lovely day. The whole team went up on stage. Sam was really calm about the fact we'd won. Mate, do you know what? I was really excited, but mate, I just didn't expect. Like, I was so ready for us not to win, you know? And then, like, when you get something that you just are so not ready for and you just say, I know we haven't, and then she said our name. Yet again, I've got back problems today. Every time we win Zank, I come out injured. But it was fucking great. And then we all went out, we watched the football.

6:17Well, we sort of did a bit of that. But we'll get on to that in a bit. I think we should go back to the start. The very beginning. It always seems like a good place to start Mate, okay Pedibus The Pedibus What in fuck's name Whose fucking bright idea was that? If you haven't done a Pedibus before Have to do it We rocked up in style, man We started like I don't know I'd say probably like Couple of K From the venue And music blaring Buzz balls to hand Fetty Wap I believe Fetty Wap 1738 Yep. Which is their new sort of team bonding thing. And then they do a little handshake. I wasn't there, unfortunately.

7:04I say unfortunately. I was doing something else. What is it? We're the petty men or something. Ready to petty. Ready to petty. Are you ready to petty? So we had lots of ready to petty in 1738. Oh, mate, it was fucking cool. Guys, Pete, let me just paint you a picture. and some buzz balls mate we got buzz balls on got Fetty Wap going got a bit of T-Pain as well and we are just charging down Hyde Park Corner literally just going I'm on the steering wheel Pete on this bad boy from the understanding having spoken to the team you did minimal peddling mate I did enough I did enough and then I was like hyping the team up but then I got to go behind the wheel yeah but then obviously doing all of that the hyping of the team obviously you're in charge of the music as well you had five songs which you played repeatedly.

7:55But all of that, it does take a lot out of you. You know, it's tough. So you quenched your thirst with some buzz balls. Yeah. Didn't realise they were 13.5%. Yeah, man, fuck it. Pippa lied to me. Pippa told me that they were 2%. So I downed a buzz ball. Nice. Absolutely hammered by the end of the journey. No. It was just small. They're savage. They're like petrol. And you know what I like? When you're in the heat and you've done all that kind of pedalling and steering and hyping and everything else. And you've got an award ceremony to go to where you've got a three-course meal, but why not stop for some fish and chips before you get there?

8:28Oh, yeah. Yeah, I need to do that. I had full-blown fish and chips, vinegar everywhere. And then everyone got Joe in the juice. We had a little pit stop, actually. It was really, really nice. Oh, does that explain why you were an hour late? Yeah, well... And I was sat at the table on my own. Big table as well. And then they arrived in a gaggle. Oh, so fun, mate. We arrived so hot as well. We literally arrived. Sweating. Music blaring. Only a few people outside the venue at this point because we were so late. Yeah, they were actually tearing down the red carpet. They were. They actually were. They were tearing down.

9:06As these guys arrived. Oh, no. It was nice, though. I did a little bit of press on the way in. So, you know, you guys are up for the award again. I haven't feeling about it. Yeah, I think they're all hyped.

9:20Sam's come with the whole team where are they? Yeah we won last year it was nice it was very reflective I think of staying relevant Oh yeah I mean mate when you were doing the red carpet I imagine I think that was the time that Pip was wiping down my moobs actually with sweat yeah Five days also not by choice you were repeatedly forcing everyone to So Sam was topless during the pedal there? Like from about halfway From about halfway It's amazing isn't it? Well Well it's amazing that you had your shirt on for the awards because it came straight off as soon as we left as well Didn't it? I had winners high man when we left that But you hadn't known you won there so you were just naked for no reason You just shouted skins, skins let's go skins and ripped it off And can I just confirm then the people that you wanted to go skins So there was you and there was Josh and then Pippa, Kira, Galena and Hannah.

10:26Skins. No, but I was just like, guys, if we're too hot. Sorry, Skins. If we're too hot, let's go Skins. Now, you'd think that that would have been awkward enough. Then on the cab from the awards, when Sam, the black cab that we were in, then Sam decided he'd get topless again and then asked, why don't we all do it? I can't handle the heat I physically can't Yeah but that's okay for you To not be able to handle it Yeah but I don't want to But we can't ask everyone To get topless with us That's a really good point It is a really good point Because I was just seeing Brothers and sisters And I'm just like Guys look Let's just be free How often are you and Louise Just running around Topless together Mate I don't know How everyone does it It was so fucking hot It was so Pete was wearing a jacket on top of a t-shirt.

11:16Yes. I couldn't understand it. It was, Hannah had her face pressed up against this tiny little aircon unit blasting into her eye socket because it was the only part of her body she could get it on. And Pippa's, and Pippa's head was out the window but that wasn't through choice. Well, that's because I was leaning on her but that was... Leaning on her? You were like a shih tzu leaning on the emperor. Mate, I honestly, I had to, I had to, Pippa understands. Sure, yeah, sure. Pippa, do you understand? Yeah, I'm not sure what, but sure, yeah. Mate, that journey, by the way, just to let everyone know, we left that Trick Awards winners.

11:51We piled into a fucking cab. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. I'll take over here. You're going to take over in a minute, big boy. So we left the Trick Awards. We'd all won. It was very happy. We'd done a little bit of fucking press and we'd all had pictures and that together. England played last night. Fucking happy. Let's go and watch the football. I called Pippa earlier in the morning and I said, Pippa, people watching the football? She said, yes. She said, do you want me to book anywhere? She went, no, I think Sam's taking care of it. I said, right, fine, absolutely. We get in the car. I even said to Sam at the Trix, shall I do, shall I sort the car?

12:29And he went, no, no, no, no, no, I've got this. It was about 34 degrees at this point. I am in a suit, six people in a six-seat black cab. Quite tight. I'll be honest with you. Quite tight. We then went on a 30-minute journey to Sam's house.

12:53Sam hadn't even put in where we were going. He just took us home. It's just a false habit. Just false habit. But I literally said, do you know where you're going? It's the paddle yard. And you went, yep, home. No, I don't know. That is wild work, to be fair. I put my hands up. I'm pretty sure we even asked you a couple of times. Are you sure this is going right? I said, how far? And you went, not far, mate. Yeah, and then we pulled up on my street. I went, this is interesting. I went, no, it was Kira went, are we going past your house? And you went, oh, shit. Pete bought his favourite bucket hat to the England game.

13:24That was cool. Yeah, no, I really enjoyed it. There's nothing, nothing says number one England fan like a full cream linen suit and a bucket hat that says it's coming home. I look like fucking Kevin and Perry. One point that it's home bit wasn't showing, it just went, it's coming. It's coming.

13:43but yeah so we went to watch football oh do you know what I love as well about so we turned up to this football place it's very much like my area so it's sort of like well it's not very much your area you should literally spit on it from your fucking house just the hour and 45 minutes from mine oh the decorations have come down no expense spared in true Sam relevant style oh my hat's fallen off whey I'm going to be honest with you as well and when you watch this you'll see we have eight different confetti cannons in front of us for one podcast. Two have gone. There's still six remaining. This was a very sweet...

14:24Me who likes to frighten people and Sam who suffers with ADHD, why would you put eight confetti cannons on the table? How much confetti do we need? There is quite a few. Well, there's eight. Four each. I think we should pop a confetti cannon when the time feels right whenever that is whenever the time feels right in this record so mate look we're in my ends I understand that we're in my area you look like Jake Paul today in them glasses that's not good he's got a bit of a Jake Paul back with the vest and the glasses and the hair like that you know he used to call me Logan Paul for a while Yeah, then he got in shape.

15:07So, yeah, it's not the best look for me, but it's okay. I understand, mate. What was I saying? Oh, mate, so Pete's in my neck of the woods, right? And we rock up, and I see such a change in Pete when he's around people he doesn't want to be around. It's fucking brilliant. It's like you could, you know when we go, does Pete exist? It's like Pete in the Wild. So he's, like, turned up, and, like, you have to queue for this thing. I actually know the owner of this place, and Pete was like, are we not just going to walk in? I was like, no, I think we're going to have to queue. And I didn't really know what we were doing.

15:38So Pete's like stood at the back, head fully down, looking at the pavement, didn't utter a word till we got at least to the bar. And then went, I don't know how much longer I can do it. He literally, he like muttered in my ear, went, I think I'm going to have to go home quite soon. I don't think I could do this with all these parts. Well, so first of all, like Shah, who owns the place, it's a really lovely venue. Yeah. Really good place to watch the football and the rest of it. It was fucking heaving. 800 people there. 800 people there. And we had a table right at the front. So you had to walk through 800 people to get to the table that already had people on it.

16:22Because it wasn't a table for us. It was a shared table. Who was it shared with? Friends and family of the Chelsea elite. i.e. people on Made in Chelsea. Because, bless, Pete's actually quite polite. When Pete actually does talk to you, he's a very polite person. So you can see Pete is really trying to be as polite as he can to all of the Made in Chelsea people, all of the Love Island people. But the thing is, when you're somewhere that, I don't know who was on it and who ain't, they're all the fucking same. Like all the people watching football are exactly the same. I went to the toilet with my cock in my hand at the urinal and some bloke sort of leant against the wall to have a chat.

17:08I'm literally pissing. Yeah, mate, we're just... He was like, you're lost around here, are you? No. Just come and watch the football, aren't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. Shock. You probably wanted to cross swords. Well, I was just looking at him thinking, I literally have my cock in my hand. I'm not even joking, this was it. He went, oh, oh, he finished. And he just leant up against the wall and went, lost are you? The fuck? What the fuck? And he had a flag painted on his cheek. I thought you were going to say he had a tiny penis. Well, no, he'd put his away. It wouldn't have been as bad. He wasn't leant up against the wall with his cock out.

17:51Not even pissing. Hey, a lot of them rugby boys, they'll do that to you. And it was just fucking odd. And then there was people that I'd fucking... there was that fucking guy wait should we get up Ray later oh the guy by the bar yeah yeah yeah and I went listen I know the streets miss me mate but I've retired come on mate we'll get up you've gone on a beat for this year I've been banned have you what did you do well I've banned myself so you haven't been banned you're just not going what the fuck it's fucking mental innit oh so good it was just a very it just wasn't a very me environment I did my best and you did do your best I put in a fucking shift.

18:31I sat myself and bored Kira to tears because I wouldn't break eye contact with Kira in case it meant that I locked eye contact with anyone else that might want to talk to me. So she had to sit with me like we were potentially, she was visiting me in prison and we had to talk through her fucking phone and it was blinkered. So Kira, what plans have you got for Summer? All the while, Pippa is literally trying to get all the made in Chelsea gossip of all of these people on the fucking show. Pippa was living her best life. In her element. She kept popping up, coming back with trays of tequila. Tally had a little tequila.

19:11My girlfriend turned up. Yeah, Tally turns up. She had to turn up. Everyone was getting a bit lively, a bit low-rook. Yeah, yeah. We got Pippa on our shoulders at one point. Yeah, we got Pippa then fell in the table. That was all good. Pippa then fell in the table. And that wasn't enough, so Galena went up and do better than that, I'll fall back off the chair. Whee. And at that point, I thought, ooh. Yeah. I've got to go. Oh, mate, I had the best night. I just enabled all of you for once. That was great. Enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it. Gotta say. And it all started with a buzz ball. It all started.

19:44Don't give me a buzz ball. I'll tell you that now. I will get Larry. You do. You do get fucking Larry. I was in bed by 11. So that was pretty much our night. It was good, wasn't it? Yeah. And I have to say well done to you for your speech as well at the Trix. No, that was real bad. Mate, you always put me on the fucking spot at the Trix, man. You do it every time. Well, it's because you say you want to say things. Yeah, I know. And then what happens is you just go, and then I have to say things. Yeah. Two years on the bounce, never been done. I wonder if we can make it a hat trick. Oh, mate, if we can make it a hat trick, that is going to be so fun.

20:22Yeah, absolutely. Especially next year, they're all going to abseil from a helicopter. Oh my God, that'd be sick. Yeah. Imagine going to get an helicopter. And I reckon next year, they'll probably get the day wrong and it'll still just be me sat there on my own. I just feel like we've come a really long way and sometimes I get a bit emotional about it. It was just a real... Oh! It makes me... Fuck! I get emotional about it as well. Shit. That was the trick. So thank you, everyone. Okay, so I actually didn't know this. This has come straight off the production line here. Hot off the press. Pete we don't work in a factory did you did you predict Molly May's baby name what this is us before Molly May I can't remember we were still talking about it before Molly May they're not even talking about as much as us fucking Molly hates to see us coming I got us every time there's a fucking Staying Relevant podcast episode out Molly May shuts up shop closes the doors shuts the blinds I'll be honest with you I feel like we're the presidents of the fucking Molly May Facebook family at this point so this is Pete before they had their baby it's like with the Molly May shoe like suddenly everyone's fucking got the shoe the shoe might be lovely that is suddenly it's what we call the Midas touch though the Midas touch oh they heard this podcast they so heard this podcast so are we now claiming that iron names they're just mate mate I'm almost certain it's not I reckon it is it's a weird name you wouldn't think they're like yeah but it's quite a famous name might have touched a famous phrase yeah Pete don't take this I don't think they've gone fucking mud Pete Wicks said it I'm holding on to it don't take that away from me don't take that away Pete Wicks has honestly in the future there will be an autobiography that is be that has been made about like their life and it would be like, I feel like now is the right time to say that we heard Pete Wicks say the Midas Touch and we've called our baby after Pete Wicks' phrase.

22:34If you want any babies, pets, name in, listen back through the podcast and pick up some of my phrases and words. I'm an inspiration to all. What can I say? I genuinely think that might be true, by the way. Well, what can I say? Just put it out there. What can I say? That's mad. You can see the future. Well, I can, yeah. well no if you can see the future Pete what would you if you could see anything in the future what would it be if you sorry I don't understand the question if you wanted to know something major in the future well I do know what ask me what you want to know alright fine ask me about okay how many kids am I going to have three that's fast how many boys how many girls two boys one girl really yep fucking alright are we going to win a third trick no oh fuck that's bold whoa shit that's crazy I like this game keep going okay fine okay here we go are you gonna get married in the future no oh am I gonna get married in the future yes am I gonna get am I gonna get divorced yes no no and it won't be your choice she's gonna leave you

23:50she's gonna As he sips his Red Bull so nonchalantly. She'll be sad about it because she's tried everything, but you just can't change a man. You know? How many au pairs and nanas you get? The skids are too much. You're such a... You know, she's looking after the three kids, the boys and little Rose, and having to wipe four arses is too much for any woman. oh okay well let me fucking predict yours ask me some questions but you're not the the psychic but I see the future no you see the past like your own birth I do see the past yeah I said that on a recent pod yeah you see things that have already happened yeah yeah alright fine do you think we'll win another trick yes I genuinely do are we just doing what you're now just going to answer no kind of defeats okay fine alright I genuinely do okay how many kids do you think you'll have two you're just saying things you want though aren't you yeah yeah okay excellent I think suddenly yours has just turned into a wish list me and you sorry sorry as if you were just gonna just breathe the segue was a burp I mean we've won two now who gives a fuck you know what I mean we just do what we fucking want now sorry I mean, in all honesty, mate, like if we are talking about me predicting the future, I made some predictions at Christmas.

25:24I know. So I predicted this year I'd find someone and I predicted you'd get engaged. Yeah. We're halfway through the year. We'll find out at the end of the year if either of those things are true. I actually predicted you were going to find your person. Oh, did you? Yeah. Well, we'll find out at the end of the year if that's true. Yeah. Who knows? I'm not getting engaged this year. I want to let you know that right now. Right this second. Well, I imagine it's probably better that you let her know that than us. We're not the ones worrying about it. I think that's more of a you and Tanya conversation.

25:55I will at some point, though. Yeah? She is the one. Yeah. There's just no time limit, though. Yeah, but, well, there is, because, you know, she will divorce you. I would get in now. You know what I mean? Get in now, mate. I can't wait, though, genuinely, to my first kids so I can sit there Pete with a cloak and a wand and be like are you ready you little shit like we're about I'm about to blow your mind and he's literally going to sit there or she's going to sit there and be like dad let's go and I'm literally going to be like play dad let's go you so you're going to sit with your child wearing a fucking hat with a wand and say come on you little shit let's have a go whilst watching Harry Potter no but I'm just going to be and you wonder why she's going to divorce you.

26:43No, I'm going to be amped though, man. I can't wait. Like that. But what if your kid doesn't like Harry Potter? Disowned. You disown your child? How would you like, dislike Harry Potter if you're a kid? Mate, I don't know one kid. I genuinely don't know one kid. You weren't around at Harry Potter time. You were too old. I'm three years older than you. Mate, come on, man. You were sort of like, you were more Charlie Chaplin. Like, you were. That was the 20s. You were silent movies. like it was beyond your time as you say mate you were only fools and horses yeah that is you know faulty towers that's your bag it is great i do love that sort of shit and i'm like man that was i don't know one kid if you go do you like harry potter and they were like no not one so if my kid had to be the one i would sit them down upstairs and i go i love you no matter what but like we need to dissect this and understand what it is.

27:36But put that fucking cape on, get yourself outside and larp with your brother. And start playing Quidditch in the park. Yeah, go and play Quidditch with your fucking brother in the park. Why are you not getting bullied? What the hell's going on? What, you mean you're popular? No, no, no. No, no, no. That's not a Thompson, that's not a Thompson fucking trait. Alright, we need a paternity test. This is thriving. But man, I would love to Toy Story as well. One of my favorite, I love Disney. Mate, have you watched Toy Story 5 yet? I have not. Is Toy Story Disney or is it Pixar? Disney Pixar. Is that the same thing?

28:11No, there's a difference. It's Disney Pixar. Yeah, love Toy Story. To be honest with you, one, two, good. Three and four. Three was really sad. They weren't up to... So I'm hoping this brings it back. Mate, I can't wait. Taylor Swift did a song for it. Now, we're obviously quite well-known Swifties on this pod. One of us is. I couldn't give a fuck. No, don't say it. We've been through this before, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come at me. They'll dox you. Come at me and dox me, whatever that fucking means. They're going to make, we don't mind Swifty. Like, we're fine with it. She's written a song for it.

28:46Yeah? Yeah. And I quite rate that. And I just... What's the song? Is it called I Know You, I Know Me or something? I Knew It, I Knew You. I Knew It, I Knew You. Right. I've actually played it on the radio a few times. So you like the song? I actually do like it. As a standalone or you just... No, I do like It's a Stand With. You're just liking it because everyone on the internet likes it because it's Taylor Swift. Which one is it? We like the song. I love Taylor Swift. How's it going? I knew you. I knew it. I knew it. I knew you. It'll go like that. I can't remember. I knew it. All right. So, yeah, Taylor Swift is in there.

29:21Nice. What would you, if you could sing a song, any genre of movie, what would it be?

29:30I don't know probably a Japanese slasher movie Japanese slasher movie the funny thing is I know exactly the one I think you're talking about was there a storm in it yes what's that called I don't know fucking fucking great movie everyone dies everyone dies what would I do do you know what I'd probably go with

29:53what's the question what song would I write I mean I'm not a songwriter Yeah, but what genre movie would you like to sort of like, what would you like to feature in? If you could be in a movie. I, oh, true crime. Like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. Well, like, no, like the genre of film would be like true crime. So, you know, something depicting a serial killer of old. That's quite cool. I'd like to be a superhero in a Marvel comic. That's a good one as well. It's just what I couldn't deal with is if you do that and you're featuring one of them and you become a superhero, then you get the loony fans that come with it.

30:32I couldn't go to Comic-Con. Oh, we should go to Comic-Con. For what reason? I won't know any of the things there. No one will know who we are. We'll just be walking around surrounded by people dressed as Chewbacca. Oh, my God, fun, though. Fun as fun. We should go in. You should go in as the Hulk, obviously. and I'll go in as Chewie. Yes, obviously. When you look at me, you think Hulk. And I'll go as Chewie. I think you're more of a... We should go for Monsters Inc. Sully and Mike Blaskowski, whatever his name is. Sorry? You know, Mike, the little green guy. Never seen that. And Sully. You must have.

31:13Monsters Inc. Never seen that. I know it's the big blue guy. Yeah, and then the little green guy. I don't know who the little green guy is. Mike Levowski. Yeah. Who? Mike Levowski Mike who Mike Levowski Wazowski Wazowski Mike Wazowski I'll be Mike I think it's more likely that we'd go to Comic Con as Timon and Pumbaa don't start getting my hopes up alright we're not going no no we should that would be that's a good bit of content that's a great bit of content keen for that well I I like do you know I was just saying I'd love to get you in latex

32:17We'll be right back. 916 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowe's.com for more details. Losing weight can feel like a roller coaster, full of ups, downs, and being thrown for loops, like when someone brings donuts into the office or your kids' dino nuggets start giving you that look again. That's why there's Noom. They combine GLP-1s to quiet the food noise with healthy habits that help you keep it quiet, even if you get off the meds. Their program is designed to make weight loss a smooth ride, helping you understand what drives you, so you can build better habits to not just lose weight, but keep it off.

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33:33Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev.

33:46Have we still talked about Comic-Con or?

33:51There's been about a 15 second gap now. And I'm wondering if you're just explaining a fantasy and you think I've asked you the question. Biggest fantasy? You, latex. I just love to get you in latex. All fours, crotchless. Just crotchless. Do you know what I mean? What? In latex, for what? And also, I'm pretty sure the superheroes don't wear latex, mate. That's in porn. They wear spandex, I think, which is a. That latex is more porn related. I don't, I'm almost certain Batman isn't there. Do you like the latex? I feel like we should get pee in latex now. I've been in latex. You have a proper head to toe.

34:31I mean like necked out. A gimp suit. Right. Yeah. Just for future reference, these, it's not happening. I'm not going to be putting on a gimp suit. A Comic Con pee in a fucking latex suit. So, yeah, but you can't go to, but Comic Con, isn't it supposed to be about characters? You can't just turn up in a gimp suit and they go, who are you? And you go, super gimp. Do you know what I mean? Don't you have to be someone? You can just turn up and they go, you're not coming in this, you've got a costume. And you go, latex. What's your problem? With a strap on. Wiped clean. I've got a cock.

35:07We should get beat with latex and a strap on. You know you're having a good time and you start rubbing your belly like that. He leans back rubbing his beard. I don't know why, it's just I've got the image in my head. For me, it's a no on the latex, but, you know, maybe, you know, just right now, you know, we'll put a pin in it and maybe we'll circle back in the future. But as it stands, it's a no for latex. However, I am a potential. Having seen the success of your last one, I'm a potential for a barbecue. oh no way now don't say things you don't mean though if you're going to come to the pub I'm crying if you don't get the sun involved if you oh shit gang oh god

35:58this episode has gone off a cliff for some reason and I'm not entirely it's literally hasn't it I don't so the barbecue seemed to go well barbecue's great man I had a great time I got I got I got I got surprised but people please take this I'm a bit hung over I'm a little bit hung over yes we all went to Sam's for a barbecue it was somewhat underwhelming do you two want to swap seats today wait wait what the fuck was that I'm back in the room now that barbecue was not underwhelming the hell do you mean what I have it was like five sausages and two mushrooms on the grill so effectively I'm going to be honest with you Sam No, no, no, no, no.

36:42Look, we've seen over the weekends, the Thompsons, they just group together in the sun and just fry shit. We do. They just grill shit. That's like, God, it's hot. Fucking get that grill going. Two barbecues going next door to each other, the entire family, for breakfast, lunch and dinner, three barbecues a day. Like, it's amazing what you can do on a barbecue, but all of it is the same. But the team came round. Yeah. You have hyped up being middle-aged, barbecuing. You've hyped up your garden. You've hyped up you're in a real new era. The feedback I've had doesn't really match your idea of what is going on there.

37:20No, that's not fair. Well, no, no. I'm just saying the feedback, all right? The feedback, it was underwhelming. Disappointing was used. No. And on two sides of things, the garden tour, I know your garden, and it does look very nice, Sam, but it is a 20-foot box. you could tour from one spot. That's the flower bed. That's a sofa. That is a water feature. This is the barbecue. Pippa had three, four, five goes round the garden. Yeah. It just encircles. No, it's because you've got to be on top of it. You've got to see it, like, right next to where you are. You are right next to all of it at any one time.

38:09I know, but I want you to be like in it. Well, look, the garden tour, it was fine because... Hydrangeas are dead, by the way. Yeah, where we go? I'll tell you what that is. It's that fucking cheap soil you bought. No, mate, do you know what? I'm fuming about that, actually. There was a storm that apparently happened. Okay, so they just died overnight because they were scared of the thunder. Yeah, genuinely, yes. Don't piss off. Mate, no, no, they're a very, very diva plant. Yeah, really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you may be the only person in history whose plants have died from fear of thunder I don't know what happened I came downstairs I do, you haven't looked after them I've tried What do you mean you've tried?

38:50It's not a complex fucking routine It fucking is, looking at horticulturalists Well, you're talking to a man who has had all of his plants alive a range of plants I just don't understand for two years In fact, thriving. I don't know how mine aren't thriving. I do. There's one common denominator in this. I've really tried. But look, the garden tour, you know, it was fine. Nice garden though, Pippa? Beautiful. Really lovely. Beautiful. You didn't even come outside. Pippa didn't come outside. No one came outside. This is why it was a bad barbecue for them. No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you it was a bad barbecue.

39:25There wasn't enough food for everyone. No. Now, there wasn't enough food for everyone, and the selection of variety of foods was not up to scratch. So for King Dingaling of the barbecue world, it's not been a great start, which makes me think maybe we should organise a barbecue for you to have your redemption. Yes, I would fucking... Can we put a date in now? No. Please, this weekend. No. But I feel like you need a redemption. But if that happens... Yeah. Pippa I and the team want a full spread yeah done vegan burgers just fish will be fine oh I love fish I mean great sea bass yeah great sea bass so yeah maybe a full spread done salads potato salad different varieties different garnishes you can't just whack meat on a barbecue that's not a full spread I'll do it I want kind of an hors d 'oeuvre so some picky bits to start some prawns to start with lovely i hear you no no no just like picky bits you know people don't do a spread i will i mean i've got this as long as you give me a day no i love a dessert yeah fine okay i'll get that from mns yeah you can buy that you don't have to make that that's fine but at least offer something i don't want to come around and you go for dessert have a dash and a pepperoni oh you love a dash don't i actually don't like them oh right well no it's bad that isn't it it's a shame really because they seem healthy, which is probably why I don't like them.

41:00If someone comes around your gap, let's say you all throw at a barbecue instead, like what would someone have to do? I mean, this is a real hypothetical. What would someone have to do to piss you off? Come, turn up. They're a house guest and they've like turned up and they've like not taken their shoes off at the door. Is that something that gets you? No, I'm not really, it's wooden floors. I'm not really fussed about that sort of stuff. I don't like houseguests that treat my house like their home. Do you know what I mean? No. Like they just wander around withy-nilly. I want to see all the rooms.

41:39You don't need to. There's absolutely no need for anyone to see my fucking bedroom or the bedrooms. You come into the area that is for communal living. That is fine. You know, you sit on someone's sofa. people just just just I just don't like people I just don't like people in my house a minute about I just don't like it it makes me uneasy what if someone turns up right and they've like and they make an immediate observation whatever that may be but it's like oh you're something something or like they've made an observation of your house is it could be a negative one so like they've like walked in and been like oh that's an interesting colour you used the walls yeah what What's fucking interesting about that?

42:24You could have gone a little bit, you know. No, well, it depends what the observation is, doesn't it? Obviously, if it's positive, then you don't go, what do you mean? If it's negative, well, you don't fucking live here, so it don't matter, does it? And also, I've seen your gaff. It's a shithole. How about that? What would you do if someone, like, paused themselves? Like, if I came round and I was, I'm just going to get myself a quick drink, and I just went in the kitchen and got myself. I'd say, where are you going for that, then? Are you bringing it back up? if I just went into your kitchen, got a glass out and just got myself a drink.

42:54Do you live there? Yeah, I do think that's quite rude. Do you? That's the exact point of it. Just picking shit up, not asking. It's not your ass. But if you came around mine now... I don't do that, though. I ask you every time, Sam, can I get a glass? Sam, is there enough for you? Sam, can I have a drink? Sam, I don't just fucking wander around going, oh, I'll fucking look around the fridge and me head's eating off your fucking shit in the fridge. Do you know what I mean? It's things like that. People just come and they just start, what have you got in there then? What the fuck's it got to do with you?

43:26Oh, I'm a ferreter. If you fucking want something, bring it yourself or ask me and I'll let you know if you can have it. I'm a ferreter. I would be ferreter. It's not ferreter. It's just a need. And half the time, they don't even want it. Yeah. It's just people just fucking wandering around and sticking their nose in everything. What would you do if I went and used your bathroom without asking you? If I walked in and just went straight for a shit? Well, firstly, I don't want you shitting anywhere near my fucking house. All right? We're quite high up and you're dirty. But you'd ask, where's the bathroom?

43:59I'm going to go to the toilet. Surely. You don't just walk in and shit in someone's house, do you? What would you do if I did that? Not just me, but if somebody walked in. And by the way, they walk in, they sit down, they close the door, and you hear them shit. And they haven't asked. They haven't asked. They've just gone in. You're right, mate? But how would you, if you walk in someone's house, you don't say no, you'd go, I'm going to the toilet, surely. No one just walks in and shits, do they? No. Do you just walk in someone's house and go, walk past them, go to the toilet and drop your fucking arsehole?

44:32I don't know, what would you do if that was the case? Did you mention it or do you just let it slide? I'd do that if someone did that. I'd do it if an alien did it as well, because that could be wild. But no one does that. No one walks in and just shits in your house. If you say, can I use the toilet? I'd go, yeah, there's the toilet. What would you do if someone went, can I use the toilet? But then they left like it was like a real bad one. Well, I would check before they'd left and I'd make them go back and clean it. I would 100 % do that. If you came and shit in my toilet and then got them and just wandered out onto the fucking balcony to sit down and have a drink, I would go and check.

45:04And if you'd left shit on my pan, I'd go, get yourself back in there. finish what you started and flush that shit down the toilet you know sometimes where like you flush but not all of the nuggets go down what if one had just like stayed there but if you're in someone else's house correct me if I'm wrong here you wouldn't do you'd surely manners suggest am I I feel like you're acting like I'm crazy here I'm being the completely normal one here surely you wouldn't you'd check to make sure you'd flushed everything you don't just fucking just walk away in the hope that everything's gone why take the risk you're in someone else's house you'd have a good look a double check yep all right we're good you wouldn't just go hey let's hope that's gone then and just trot on outside question for you have you ever left a skid mark no in someone's house no no but then there's no lube brush so you're like oh no What do I do?

46:07Like, I've left a mark, but I can't get rid of it. Well, in fact, this question doesn't matter. I was going to say how far down is it. But either way, you get some fucking toilet paper and you wipe it off the fucking pan. That's what I've done before. Yeah. But then it's a bit gritty. You see, all my hands are really in there. Yeah, but you wash your hands anyway. But you have to do that. You can't just leave it. And then, why have you left shit in me fucking pan? Well, there's no toilet brush. Well, use the fucking paper, you dirty.

46:37Oh, I just, well, no, this is why I don't like people at my house. Just don't come to my house. Do you know what? It wouldn't be a double award-winning podcast if we didn't finish it off with just, like, how do you like your shit at your gaff? No, we didn't finish it off with that either. We didn't go, how do you like the shit left at your gaff? Maybe we should ask the question. Maybe we should pose the question. How do I like the shit at my gaff? Non-existent. There you go. How about that one? The only number one's allowed. In fact, no one's just allowed at my house. it just won't happen. There's absolutely none of that.

47:08Thank you so much for listening to Staying Relevant, podcast hosted by two best friends, the double award-winning podcast. We adore you so much. In all seriousness, we are very, very fucking people. So thank you. A lot tidying up to do at this point. There's a lot. Will we be doing it? No. No. This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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50:05That's an avoid for me, that one, genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.