How to Win Someone Back

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1:59you can now watch on the YouTube channel as of 5pm yesterday which was Wednesday which means you can catch us on a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and a Sunday episode will contain swearing if you don't like it go f*** yourself make sure you rate, review, do all of that sort of stuff subscribe to the YouTube channel and then you can watch all of this stuff you can see Sam and his lovely little so if you want a feature in the bonus episode then email the worst email address in the world which is hello at srproductions.co.uk and you have you've emailed in you've been sending in loads of lickety split have you been sending in emails and uh we've got one from grace and she goes what's happening boys loving the pod recently thanks for making me look like a mad woman laughing my head off as i drive to work every day i have a challenge for you can you both try saying the phrase that's too much in the below ways Angry, disappointed, nervous and flirty.

2:57That's so good. I can already feel myself laughing at the results, Grace. How do you want to do this? Do you want to do it, we both tackle angry, we both tackle disappointed, or do you want to do four each? I think we do one for one. Okay. Ban for ban. Give us your angry then. That's too much. That's too much. Yeah, no, point not as loud. That's too much. That's angry. That's too much. Okay. Yeah, that's me. Alright, I like it What have you got for us? That's too much

3:29I want you to be louder So it's softer Well you don't have to shout Anger doesn't always Represent itself in noise Yeah, yeah, loudly Listen, it's the context And the tone Can we get it one more time? That's too much You smile when you do it And you've got to kick the stare That's too much That's too much Disappointed Disappointed that's too that's that's, let me try again that's too much no, no, that's not good I'm disappointed, I'm disappointed in you, I'm disappointed that's too much, that's too much yeah, that's too much okay that's too much so just for reference then to yours, that's too ma it's too much no, that's it, this is me that's too much it's too much disappointing okay yeah you know it's too much I'm disappointed yeah I like it what you got it's too much yeah like that like that a lot yeah and you've looked down as well he's added some variations to the face there as well that's too much nervous

4:44that's too much that's too much. No, that's too much. It's too, no, that's too much. No, that's, that's just too much. It sounds like I'm taking a massive dick in the ass. I gotta be honest with you, like, I know, I know that sounds bro, but it like sounds like I'm like, like, I'm like, no, that's too much. Like, that's just, no. I'm, I'm just going to go with doing it nervously. Okay, go on. It's too much. Oh, hi. Yeah, because you're not sure. Is that too much? Is that too much? I'm a bit nervous that I've said too much. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. That's too much. This, I feel like, could be great for you.

5:25Flirty too much. Flirty too much. Okay. Flirty too shirty. Flirty. Hey, I'm flirty. That's too much. That's too much. No, hey. Hey, hey. That's too much. No, come on now. That's too much. That's too much. There's too much. Stop it. Still sounds like you're taking that dick. To be honest with you, that sounds like you want a little bit more. Stop it, B. That's too much. Okay. It's too much. Okay. Get a little shoulder with it. A little shoulder wiggle. Yeah. That's too much. That's too much. Yeah. All right. I like it. I like it. What have you got? That's too much. Oh! one more time for the ladies at the back.

6:18That's too much. Oh, yeah, no, it's never enough. Yeah. God, that was fun. Can we do one more in frightened? That's too much. That's too much. That's too much. No, it's too much. Yeah. It's too much. Stop. It's too much. Oh, God, what's your, you're frightened too much and that's the last one. That's too much. Yeah, ah, nice that. Yeah, the ghost has got too close to you and you've told it that's too much. Yeah. I like that. Well done, Grace. I like that from Grace. Really different on the emails there. I like that a lot. This one's from Laura. Laura, what have you got? She goes, Hey, Sam. Hey, Sam.

7:02Hey, Pete. Hey, team. Oh, my God. I have seen this. I'm sure you've seen the Katie Price drama about her husband supposedly going missing. Obviously, hope the bloke is all right, but the internet seems divided. That's nice of you. Thanks, Laura. The internet seems divided between whether something has happened, whether he's just ghosted her, and she's escalated it into an international investigator. I don't know if it's gone international. So my question is, if one of you suddenly stopped replying, missed the pod, vanished from socials, etc., how long before the other one starts panicking, and what's your actual plan to find them?

7:33Thanks, lads. Laura. Fucking good question. Laura, wow. That's not too much. That's brilliant. That's perfect. Well, First of all, we've seen the Katie Price. Mm-hmm. And? Where is he? Who knows? But he has been, I mean, I just don't know what to believe, dear. They've found a load of AI photos of him in different places when he was never there and that, isn't he? So I have not got a clue. I don't know loads about it. I know quite a lot about it. As soon as I see things like that, I immediately come off of social media. Oh, there was this huge thing about, like, so there was, like, an expose happening at 8 p.m.

8:11So everyone's waiting for 8 p.m. I don't know if anyone else was. Apparently they weren't. And I certainly was. Edge of my seat stuff. So Katie Price goes online and goes, I haven't spoken to him in ages. I don't know where he is. Last time I heard him, he was at the airport. But it's fucking fascinating. Now she can't get a hold of him. But if you were to go missing, there's a few places I'd look. One, I would look, I'd just go to yours, to be honest with you. I don't know if that class is this guy missing. Yeah, but you found missing. If I'm just at home. Yeah, but you don't reply for months, for days on end.

8:45So, like, I would go to yours to see if you passed in your sleep or something and just make sure you're kicking about. Or, like, you'd hit your head on that coffee table or something. Like, something might have happened, like, out of your control. Do you think you'd be able to refrain from laughing like last time? I wouldn't laugh. I just, if you had died, though, I would, there's a potential that I'd like. How quickly do you think it would be before you called Netflix? I'd assemble you in a position. you'd assemble me I'm not a piece of Lego I would try and put you in some sort of position where like it was a bit of a joke so like I'd like I'd pull your pants down or something and like you could have died like having a wank or something like that so if you found my so just to recap if you found my dead body the first thing you do is pull my pants down okay I like it I like it so if if you went missing how long before I know it's probably the Wednesday that we're supposed to do the pod because I think if you missed the pod would be the one do you think well if I didn't know you were missing the pod then I'd be like well where is he then if I just fled and then it'd be then I'd think maybe he's forgotten maybe he has forgotten it's Wednesday and then I'd probably wait a you know wait a sort of the following Wednesday to see if it was two forgotten's in a row that's quite a long time to wait two weeks what happens if like my sister's calling and be like I haven't seen Sam in ages.

10:10Tally doesn't know where the fuck I am. Dead or done a runner as well in your head? Well, it's tough, that one, because previously I would have said dead, just based on life skills. Hit by car, something like that. Now I would say potentially done a runner. Potentially done a runner to find themselves in Bali. Oh, nice. or, you know, decided that now's the time for the gap year. I think the incessant jokes about their hairline and your age have maybe taken its toll and actually want to find your youth again. So maybe you've gone abroad. 100 % you've gone abroad. Not online, though. Not online.

10:58Well, no, no. No, see, this is the thing. Not online. You would be online, but not a Sam. Oh. You've come and there's no way you would just be offline. You wouldn't be able to live without Instagram and TikTok and all the rest of it. But you've developed a whole new personality. So you've developed a whole new Sam. But it's not Sam. It's Tarquin. Yeah. And you've become Tarquin. So you've maybe grown your hair out, grown the beard out. You know, you're a peace and love man in Bali. And you're doing that. But you're basically just, you've just started again and you haven't told anyone. Are you coming to find me?

11:30If I know you're safe, no. What? Well, I just think it's something you need to do. But what if I just like, I would come and find you. If I knew that you had fled the country, I'd fucking track you down. But if I knew, I would like to find out that you're okay. But if you were just, you know, having a kind of moment, I'd be like, man, we're here when you get back. But if you didn't know. With the help of other people, yeah, I mean, like, you know, I've got responsibilities and stuff. So, but I'd get a group of people to find you. I wouldn't be travelling the world to find you, put it that way.

12:04I'm not. Where the fuck would you be getting? That's what the police and people are. I'd get them and update me. Keep me updated. I'd follow you everywhere. I'd literally, if I heard a snake. But what would you be following? If you were in like Argentina or something like that, I'd like fly to Argentina. I think maybe after a year or so. Come and find me. Well, you'd have to then because it's a what if and it would probably play on the conscience. But I think it's more like that you've had a breakdown and you've disappeared for a bit and you would come back. You're like a boomerang. you'd come back I'm going to do it I'm going to go missing and we're going to see if Pete tracks me down it's going to be the best ever hide and seek you've ever seen and whilst that's happened Grime Gran is going to be taken over fucking Grime Gran you can't have beef with an old lady I love Grime Gran as a person I just don't like the way that I've lost you as a friend to Grime Gran I don't think I've seen her twice in the past three months yeah it's too many times yeah I just feel like I've lost you to Grime Gran interesting thoughts there, Laura.

13:05Nice. We like that from you. I was at two very, very good questions, actually. And actually, on questions, it's question time.

13:17Question time. Topical. As always, these are the big questions, the big questions everyone's looking for answers for. So piss yourself every time you laugh or shit yourself every time you cough? I piss myself every time I laugh, 100%. Because I do that every now and then, anyway. but you also shit yourself every time now and then when you cough so i do i do sometimes i think a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of juice comes out every now and then not juice that sound is so intense not juice what do i say a little bit of liquid no a little bit of pee that's just probably better a little bit of pee every now and then you know and like you shake but it but then you as you flip it back in it a little bit just goes what like that You're talking about after you've had a piss just in the toilet.

14:02Yeah. All right. So, but do you piss yourself when you laugh? I have before, yeah. Use bladder control. Not like often. I'm full. I'm going to go with piss as well, just because it's a lot of clearing up the shit. You know, you can dry. The piss can dry. And it depends how hydrated you are. You know what I mean? That's a very good point. And I'm shitting myself when you cough. It's like, oh, oh no. Not again. Could you do an impression of a cough shit? Oh, no. Fuck, it's come out. And then... And a laugh piss? Probably just... Warm. But I mean, I'm not adverse to either, to be honest with you, to be fair.

14:50You're not adverse to either? Not adverse to either. I just... So you can hear my point of view on this. I am adverse to either. neither of which I would be happy with but I would rather piss when I laugh and actually that would not be very often whereas I do smoke a lot and I cough quite a lot there'd be a lot of shit if it was that way around for me you know what I mean I cough up a lung sort of regularly whereas the laughing thing not so regular so the piss for me that's a consensical answer there fair play sometimes you just gotta go logical well I'd like to know your logic on this one then if you're a ghost how would you haunt the other one what would you do I mean there's the obvious moving things ahead doing all that sort of crap I would just whisper things randomly in your ears throughout the day like what like when you're you're I don't know let's say you're at work like let's say you're this morning I'd just be like Dermot Leary hates you and you'd yeah say something rogue yeah yeah yeah Yeah, yeah.

15:55Do you ever get that, by the way? Whatever you do, don't say ****. Yeah. Whilst you're on the one show. Don't tell Roman that you hate him secretly. I get that all the time anyway. Someone's haunting you. I know, but I genuinely... Do you ever get intrusive thoughts? I get it all the time. If I'm sat on live TV... I get them a lot. I literally sit there and go, what would I have if I just said ****? Just out of nowhere. Yeah. With no context at all. It's really, really scary because I imagine one day I'm going to do it, but I literally... My brain, my voice in my head will literally be like, imagine if you just said, like, fuck, shit, pricks, like just out of nowhere on like this morning.

16:31What would happen? Where would it go? Do you get those thoughts? When there's silences, yeah. Or when there's anything you shouldn't do, that's really what an intrusive thought is. Some people's intrusive thoughts are like, do you know what I mean? Should I eat that last cookie? Mine are, should I stab that person in the face? Yeah. You know what I mean? There's a big difference between the intrusive thoughts, I think. But everyone gets them. any random intrusive folks people get regularly I don't have regular ones mine's every time yours is just every time on TV it's like say something really fucking rogue that like you can't come back from like just out of nowhere and then I'm like why would I want to do that I don't want to do that and then like yeah but you do want to do it but then I'm like what if I do just say like out of nowhere and then like and then like I just I always get it when I'm driving I get it like I'm in charge of everybody's well-being right now whilst I'm driving this car you want to lift home Pippa no because I never would I don't want to you've said that to me before when I'm in the car with you have I yeah you know isn't it crazy that I'm responsible for your like whole life right now like if I just steer over here we'd like just be dead and funnily enough when you were driving you needed one yeah yeah into the lorry can I tell you how I'd possess oh I just gave it away how I'd haunt you yeah I'd possess your dog I'd possess Rodney and I'd just and I'd just I'd do some weird shit as your dog like and I just and you just wouldn't know you'd be like why is this training thing not happening and I'd literally just like shit in your mouth I'd like when you're asleep you'd like wake up and have like I'd hump your leg all the time your first thought is to possess my dog and shit in my mouth no let's take that out of that actually to be fair i'd hunt your leg a lot i'd hunt your leg a lot he's not actually not started that yet i'm really i just start shagging like like plain and simple shag and also i start shagging things you wouldn't expect me to shag so you'd literally like what the fuck is my doctor i'd literally like shag the tv remote i'd like i'd like shag your plant i'd shag your mum like when she came around like i'd like shag like your leg of your mum i mean not your actual mum but like i just start like just really shagging weird stuff.

18:48Okay. A little insight into your brain there. You wouldn't know what to do. You'd be like, I don't know what's happening here. And little would you know that actually it's me. I think do ghosts possess? Yeah, I suppose they do, don't they? Or is that like demons? Well, same thing really, to be fair. So, okay. All right. I like that. You possess something. See, you've thought that one out as well. Are you writing these questions? No, but I really like them today. They're fucking great. Whoever's got in touch has been amazing. Last question then. How to win a girl back that you've pissed off?

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21:34Oh, grovel. Grovel, grovel, grovel. I want hands and knees. I would really quite like some tears if I could. You'd like some tears? Well, yeah, I'd probably like some tears. What from her? No, me. Oh, you. Okay, you'd cry. You know, how to win back, girl, you're pissed off. Just, you know, a real grovel. Yeah. Find a new one. find a new one you haven't pissed off start again alright once a girl's pissed off you're fucked she'll remember it forever do you know what I actually you'll never be able to get away from it so listen it's tainted now alright run away there's a rip in the tapestry start again buy a new rug yeah love it yeah yeah I think that's the only way to do it once they're pissed off they're pissed off you know what I mean I don't have the the ability or capability to un-piss someone off I mean I just food you'd food I just cook Well, you'd go and have something to eat.

22:26I cook. It works every time. I don't care what anyone says. What if you can't cook? Order in. Practice. Mate, any time I piss Tally off, I'm like, should I go and buy some prawns? I genuinely, I look at her and I'm like, should I buy some prawns? Say you're pissed off, right? And I look at you like this, right? And I gave you one of these and I went, should I go and get some prawns? Oh, I mean, it does. That has worked for me. Put the oven on. How could you stay mad at someone that buys you prawns? Yeah. See, do you know what? Logical good answers there. You've really been on form. So if you piss your missus off or you piss a girl off, buy a packet of prawns.

23:05Yeah. Or some good loving. Hmm. Now, I'm not saying I provide that. Is that, is that, sorry. I'm not saying I don't provide it either. I'm just, I'm just now confused. Is that your way of saying to Tani, should we have sex? Should we go get some prawns? No. they're two separate things so there is a food element and then there's a dick element yeah and you're like would you like to maybe although I imagine that point would work so when a girl's pissed off the best thing to do is go you want some of that maybe why don't I cheer you up does that does that work no I've heard it works right I've heard that you know the key to sort of like a diffusion of an argument is sex yeah so if a girl's pissed off buy her some prawns or offer to fuck her flowers yeah flowers I think I think it depends I mean you know if we want a genuine answer it's just a heartfelt apology really isn't it yeah maybe a letter yeah just a heartfelt apology I mean you could write a letter you love writing letters yeah maybe a chocolate mousse you mean the yoghurt-y type or a mousse chocolate shaped chocolate shaped mousse no sorry get over a nice dessert alright so not just the prawns so you get prawns a dessert You get a chocolate mousse, a little bit of dick, and a letter to say sorry.

24:26Sounds pretty fucking good to me. I mean, you couldn't stay fucking pissed off for long, could you? No, not at all. What's the guy equivalent to flowers? We don't have one. Like, what would you want to be bought instead of flowers? I just don't know why you want flowers. I've never understood why a girl wants flowers. What, even after being at Chelsea Flower Show? You haven't seen the beauty of a flower? I love the symbolism of a flower, but I just can't understand, like, why... It's thoughtful. it's kind no it's thought I get the thoughtfulness I get the kindness of it but like the actual then what else is there to get no no because it's the the object itself right so but okay so Tally bought me flowers okay you are a modern day man so I literally went I don't know what to do with them so you don't get the idea behind flowers so you just a bag of prawns though but I don't at least we're going to eat do you know what I mean we're going to eat something nice they smell good they brighten up the house they're just you know I'll keep doing it I mean don't get me wrong I don't want flowers no one's ever fucking bought me any fucking flowers which I think is fairly normal I don't want any I don't want any there's like but some people love flowers don't they or like what's the other thing chocolate I don't know I don't think blokes really have anything blokes don't really get bought anything I don't think I've ever been bought anything I just want to be understood genuinely that's I think all a guy wants when he's pissed off is just to be understood no you'd want like Bill Tong if you got me Bill Tong and And genuinely, I actually would love that.

25:54A biltong from Selfridges, right? I feel like he's maybe be gearing up for the fact that you've pissed him off on the run and now he's passive aggressively and sort of subconsciously telling you that you need to go and get him some biltong. If you get me some biltong from Selfridges and then like some wagyu biltong. Bloody hell. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But I'm not normally pissed off. So like something like that. And then, look, Sam, I just want to say, I'm really sorry. But in a letter. No, I don't need a letter. Just a... Fresh prawns or frozen? Do you know what? That would be nice though because it's quite symbolic of like, you know, I normally cook.

26:30So like the fact that you're going out and cooking. So Wagyu Biltong from Selfridges. Sorry, yeah. Start typing this down, darling. Sorry. You need to get him a bag of prawns. Yeah. Flowers, just because he's kind of in that moment. Write him a letter. If I'm pissed off, I would like to be left alone. Cigarettes, Red Bull Guinness. Oh, easy. then you're easy you're so that is so easy but see I actually disagree because all of those things are things I like but they're also things that I get myself women don't buy themselves flowers so that's the point is that it's something that you wouldn't do if it's just that you buy yourself fucking built on you know what I mean like it's the thoughtfulness of presence is doing something that someone wouldn't necessarily do for themselves so built on fruit and vegetables yeah that would be good buy me a lettuce water bottle of water bottle of water every now and then would be pretty good yeah something that is that's kind of thoughtful I think that's the idea behind on that beautiful wise note from our uncle Peter we're going to leave you now this has been the bonus episode for Staying Relevant produced by Staying Relevant Productions exec produced by Pippa Morgan digitally acclaimed by Josh and Akira and socialized by Hannah.

27:49Thank you very much. Thank you very much for listening and potentially watching. We've had a blast. I hope you have had a blast as well. Ta-da. This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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30:34So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.