Lie detector EXPOSES Sam and Pete

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2:07Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by Sam Thompson and me. Pete Wicks. Oh, you didn't want to do all the names. Oh, sorry. It feels weird because I've just realized I've taken over your bit. Yeah, I know. And you were doing it very nicely, actually. I mean, it's literally written down. Okay, cool. Well, it's also hosted by Peter Jonathan Joseph, Jeremiah Jezariah Wicks. This is the bonus episode. It is Thursday, which means that you'll be able to watch this on Sunday. Monday's main episode, you'll be able to catch Wednesday on Josh's YouTube channel. So that means you can catch us on a...

2:40Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. Wonderful behaviour. They will be swearing. If you don't like it, go f*** yourself. It's a birthday, so we may be drinking. Yeah. birthday beavers I don't know beavers came out of nowhere birthday beavers I didn't know what I was going to say birthday booze up yes lovely shut up rate reviewed all of that crap unite by now so I can't be asked to explain it now this is a bit of a treat today's episode specifically for you I want that treat yeah I've already had so many treats already we've had mullets we've had cats we've had balloons yeah but this is this is something that I feel like you are genuinely going to love okay Something you've wanted me to do for a long time.

3:23Oh, fuck me. Oh, let me guess. Are you going to do a dance? Are we going to do an Instagram dance? We absolutely aren't, no. So as a little birthday present, basically from the team and I, I have agreed to do a real-life lie detector test. Oh, wow! I want to do this since we started the pods. Yeah, well, we are actually doing it, which is fucking mental. Fuck me! So we have got a professional lie detector examiner, Mark. Yes. Mark, get in here, man. Mark, jump in. Run, run. And I can't actually believe that this has genuinely happened. So we're doing this as a legit lie detector? Just for a little bit.

4:06He's weeding in some equipment. So, yes. Just for a little bit of context, we do have some people here on Work Experience. And so far today, they've walked into the entire team wearing blue vests, Sam dancing half naked to tease me, tease me, whilst everyone wears a mullet and a man in the corner with a light detector test. So this is the fucking most mental day so far. I've only been here an hour. Oh, this is brilliant. I can't wait. What are we going to learn? What are we going to learn? Does Pete like weird things? Well, I think we all know that's true. I didn't know what to say other than weird things.

4:42Fuck me. You've got a desk that you've wheeled in. This is mad. This is like legit. There was a lot of equipment. Mark is now just getting mic'd up. Mark, I know you're getting mic'd up, but so what's your speciality? Well, I've been doing polygraph now for 21 years. I'm from South Africa. There's about eight South African examiners in the UK. I've been here about five years now. Most of the test is private matters, but also there's a big government program testing sex offenders on parole from prison. People just think it's like a Jeremy Kyle kind of thing, but it's generally the government uses it to test sex offenders on parole.

5:14So it's a proper, accurate process. It normally takes about an hour and a half to two hours a test for the full process and the accuracy is in the high 90%, 93 to 95. Oh, you can't lie. In this kind of sense, obviously in the studio environment and not doing all the calibrations and running of the multiple charts, I'll give my best experience to get the result. But generally the accuracy is in the high 90 % accuracy. Oh. 90%. So 93 to 95 depends on the technique. But obviously here, you know, we've got an audience studio lights, things could be. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pete's already trying to find the room.

5:45Yeah, yeah. I can quickly explain to you the equipment that we use to measure. So we've got a seat pad that you're going to sit on that measures your anal sphincter movement, your butt movement. No, it doesn't. So that's when you get nervous and your arsehole starts twitching. I'll be honest with you, that could be a problem with Sam because he doesn't have great control over his sphincter as it is. I do have piles. No, no, it's fine. That should be fine. Okay. But it looks for basically movement. People try and control the test by squeezing muscles, and that's what they're trying to do. They squeeze their butt muscle, and we look for that, and if they do that on certain questions, it picks up.

6:14Is that because I'm nervous and squeeze my ass? You'll be fine though, mate, because you go from sort of back of knee to shoulder, babe, there isn't an ass there. And we measure your breathing with these across your chest. We measure your blood pressure. Fucking hell. We've got a plismograph, which your finger measures your pulse and we've got these on your fingers. Fuck me, you're struggling with a fine one with me. So breathing, sweating, heart and pulse. Basically, if you're under fear and you react to fear, there's an autonomic response. So you're breathing, sweating and hot. I have a question.

6:43When we're asking, because I imagine it's one for one, right? Or it's like me questions, then Pete questions. Can we ask in any way we want? Like, can I shout at him? Like, Pete, what the fuck were you doing on Friday evening? Don't lie. Well, your channel is basically that you want to change your personality. That might cause a bit of a response, but normally the test is a straightforward yes, no. We're going to give you a chance to answer and then you can have some sort of vant in between if you want to talk. But I will then indicate when the charts are ready for you to do the next question.

7:12Okay. Generally, it's yes or no, because I need to see a response after the question. I'm already bad. But we can try, run, and see how it goes, and we can do the questions. So when you know that someone's told a lie, do you go, oh, you're lying? No, it's not like in the podcast. Yeah, we'll try. I'll call it straight away. But generally, you score it. It can take 15, 20 minutes to score. You get a second examiner to score it. You also type all the scores into a software program and it's scored by an algorithm to see the percentage. So you can't, it doesn't allow you to sort of manipulate results because then if I pass you and the system fails you, it's going to say inconclusive.

7:47So it's a matter of accuracy. So Pete's just one big inconclusive. And you can't say if you fail the question because you're nervous. Polygraphs got nothing to do with nervousness. Nervousness is polygraphs memory related. You can't fail university exams and say you were nervous. It's memory. So if you say no, you did not do this and you did, it's a memory related thing. So, Mark, we've got specific questions, which you've got a list of as well. Is that right? So how do we do this then? So I'll be connecting one of you up, and then I'll start off with a baseline question where just like, are you sitting on a chair or a name, things like that.

8:20Sam may struggle with those questions, though. Yeah, it'll be an easy yes answer for that one. I don't know if it will be easy, mate. And then you can basically say the question. I will look at it and try and wait a few seconds to see what I can see, and I'll call it pass or fail. lie or truth and then you can chat whatever then you try and okay as best you can try and just sort of sit still again and prep yourself for the next question question for the team uh how deep have we gone with these questions are they quite a lot um there's some interesting ones oh my god well stay tuned after this ad break because we're going to put seven in um because i think you'll want to listen to the next bit no and there are no off-topic ones all right fine so there are specific questions because we are not.

9:04Yeah, but I bet Pete's vetted his course he has. And yours, mate. I bet mine are savage, the more savage than yours are. No, they're not, actually. They're not? No. Because I could have asked some real bad shit. Bear in mind I know an awful lot about you, alright? But we kept it out. Alright, so, who's going first? I'm going to get set up now. Pete first. Wait, Pete getting set up first? Okay. Oh my. What do I need? Okay, so maybe put that to one side. Let me show. This is fucking mental. Right. So he is all hooked up to the machine. He's, his sphinctus is on the sphincter. His sphincter is on the ass pads.

9:45Um, he is, he's, his whole abdomen and chest are strapped in. He has something, he has like a, a balloon thing on his arm and he's got things all over his fingers. It's not a fucking armband. I don't know what it is. A balloon thing. He's got a pressure cuff. He's got a pressure cuff on his arm. Put it this way. This shit serious. Mark, are you ready? Ready? We're going to start off with two baseline questions for me to get the baseline. There'll be basic truth questions. Okay. And then you can start. Right. So Mark, far away with your two basic questions. Fucking hell. Are we in London? Yes. Are you sitting on a chair?

10:26Yes. He's trying to be all calm. Look at peace. Why are you suddenly turning into a loser? What? No talking in between. Sorry. I just never heard him do that. Okay, you're too far away. Is it working? You can go for it.

10:42Don't answer them like a robot. Question one. Do you like me more now that I am single? Yes.

10:58Truthful.

11:04That's kind of you. Do you like me even more now? Yeah, you were really fucking boring when you were in a relationship. I don't know if it's just because you're single or I just prefer you with a mullet. I don't know what's changed, but something has. Question two. Do you ignore my calls on purpose? Yes. That was fast. That was a bit too quick. I mean.

11:28Truthful. Fuck it up. that's just, that's just, that's just, that just hurts. Well, you do go on a bit like, but also I know you don't need me because you only read, I know when you need me and when you don't need me. And I know when you're just calling for a chat. So I always think to myself, do you know what? Pippa can handle that. Do you know what I'm saying? I text Pete if I really need him prior. Yeah. If I get, if I get a pre-call text, then I know it's actually saying serious. Like it generally turns up, need a bit of advice. And then I think something's happened. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's always advice.

11:57Do you know what, It does hurt still because we all say it, but when it's confirmed in an actual live text, it's like, oh, fuck, he actually does just look at the phone and just say reject. That's my thing. Number three. Do you actually like Josh? No.

12:20God, this is dicey. Truthful. Oh, my God. Do you know what's wild? Do you know what's wild about that? I actually said that as a lie. You said that as a lie. And you actually don't like Josh. No, I do like it. I'm going to be honest with you, Pete. It's getting a little bit, it's getting a little bit rogue. Cut that one. Am I, Sam Thompson, the birthday boy, a good boss?

12:51No.

12:55better be a fucking lie yay why are you fucking lying to me bro the hell do you know what it is do you know what I'll tell you what it is Mark just quick I'll speak for Pete here he on the outside is like no you're not but inside he goes yeah he's a fucking good guy he's a good boss that wasn't the question he's a good boss are you a good guy yes are you a good boss you're fucking disgraceful doesn't matter mate because you just said you've just said fuck's sake you've just said exactly This one is fire. Why are you erring that? Is that icky, fire? Yeah, that made me feel quite uncomfortable. This is going to make you feel even more uncomfortable when you're strapped up to a lie detector as you go, fire!

13:38Okay, ready? Is your beard real? Yes. Oh, you went high there, didn't you, Mark? Okay, that was a high-pitched yes. Unless he's a psychopath, that was the truth. Oh! What do you think it is? A fucking Sharpie? I don't know. It's just pretty. It's pretty. Do you dye your beard? Yes. Oh, fuck. Okay. She's giving us the answer. Well, I fucking told you that before. No, I know. But just in case. Is your beard grey in real life? Yes.

14:12Yeah. Fuck off. Oh, my God. Oh, I've got another. Do you have... No, you're going off topic here. Stick to the script. do you have grey pubes

14:26answer the questions even Mark's getting into it truthful oh Pete's got a couple no there's nothing wrong with that I mean you're quite stressed this is great I already know the answer to this have you ever done the walk of shame straight into filming yes

14:51truthful oh we all knew that to be fair okay do you actually like my mullet

15:03yes

15:08truth I knew it I knew it I knew you did because you've said it to me before said it to me before only because I mean it's better than what you had before because that was like you look like fucking a scarecrow it was fucking you It's a hair like straw. And obviously because of the bit at the back that's gone for a wonder, it kind of covers it a little bit better. Do you think that we're the new Anton Deck? No.

15:35Truthful. Fuck's sake, Pete, believe in us more. Why? Sam, look at us right now. What's wrong with that? They were lie detector. We're in a fucking kids party with cats, hooked up to a lie detector with six fucking people sat on a sofa watching. What is going... Why would we be Ant and Dec? I don't know. I think we're closer than you think with what we're doing right now. I've got to mention the work experiences. I think six people sat on a sofa. Everyone's family have come in for the lie detector. Oh my God, this next one's so intense. Have you ever disliked any of my previous partners?

16:15My arsehole's going. Yes.

16:23Truthful. Oh, God! Who? Because you've known a few. Yeah, leave it in there. Okay, this is one that's quite big. If I started seeing someone and you didn't like her, would you tell me? no

16:50truthful I knew it and you never be that's bad friendmanship no it's not it is it's not it's not it's because it's not I don't have to like her you have to like her no but friends can always tell but if you if you fell in love with someone it's not down to me I'd just be there to pick up the pieces when she dumps you I'm going to tell you I'm going to let me let me tell you something Like, I would tell you. Yes, but you would tell me because you're jealous. I would say that she's not treating you right. And I'd repeat, get out of there. But I would rather you just make that decision and I'll be there no matter what.

17:26I wouldn't want my opinion because you are swayed by everyone else's opinion is the biggest problem. If you see a Daily Mail comment that says someone that Donna in Doncaster doesn't like you, you go, well, she'd better go then.

17:41Do you like my cats? Yes. Truthful. Okay, last one. Sorry. You're starting to react now. Did you have a bit of a second thought? What about the cats? Rocky, what are you doing to you? After about 10 seconds, I started. Well, it's because I looked across and I'm wondering what he's going to say. Yeah, yeah. Deep breaths and I feel like there's a big climax coming here and this could potentially cancel me. The tension's rising. You can see it now. Oh my God. Do you know what? This last question's fucking fire. This is going to cancel me, isn't it? This last note. No, it won't. And it's very... I've not written...

18:16No, no, no. It's very vague. But... Are you in love with somebody right now?

18:31No.

18:36Oh, my God! I knew it! I knew it! And that's all we're going to say. And that's all. How could you do that? I don't know. It just came to my head. It's a fucking lie. Pete's in love with somebody. Find her. Find her. Right. Everybody, all of our listeners, go out and find her. Pete's in love, secretly. I think I know who it is. Okay. You know exactly who it is. I literally told you the fucking story. She's not replied. Oh, my God. This is so funny. Why would you put that one in there? I don't know. That wasn't on the fucking list. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, great. Excellent. All right. Are we fucking done with me now?

19:14Okay, we're done with you. We're done. Pete Witts, everybody. Fair fucking play to Pete as well. He's literally, he's taken every single one of those questions and he has been so honest. Fair play. So I really, and I will now do the exact same. Now watch a really bad liar at work. Poor Josh. That is so funny. I do really like. Also the fact he's not here when he gets back, we can just get a social clip. He's going to think that that's a joke.

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20:46We'll see you next time.

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21:43Are you ready then? I'm ready. Are you ready, Mark? Let's start with two baseline questions. Okay, so Mark is going to do two baseline questions for Sam just to get the read of the machine and Sam's little heartbeat. Can you see my heartbeat? Is it strong? It's not got x-ray vision. Okay. You ready? Okay, Sam. I just want to point out that this is for your birthday.

22:10All right? This is all for you because we love you.

22:17So, Sam. Yeah. Do you want to be in a relationship? Yes.

22:28Don't do that with your negative. Oh, my God. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't. Big reaction after about eight seconds, it picked up. So maybe you had a good think about it. I don't know. So initially you don't. So despite, okay, interesting. That's my inner soul being like, you actually don't. You just think you do. Sam. Yes, Pete. Have you had sex with more than two people this month?

23:02No.

23:06No! No! I'll show you the charts after this big reaction. I can see it. Sam. Yeah. Have you ever fancied the same girl as me? Yes.

23:24Truthful. You know which one. I sent her DMs and didn't realise Pete was dating her. Oh yeah, that is a good point.

23:36Do you have a type? Yes.

23:45Truthful. Tell me it. I think it's brunette and what's wrong with that? Nothing, carry on. And then personality traits would have to be, you can hold themselves in a room. Well, without me having to babysit. Hold themselves in a room. Yeah, without me having to babysit them. What do you mean, don't run away? No, they could just speak to people. Like, hold. And they're passionate about something that doesn't involve me, and they have a hobby. Sam, is looks more important than personality when it comes to women? That's a hard one, because yes at the start, no afterwards. It's a yes, no answer. Stop panicking.

24:26Can you ask me that? Can you be like... I'm starting to stress there already, and I didn't answer the question. Okay. Do you prefer looks or personality in a woman? Personality.

24:39No, that's too cool. Okay. All right. You fucking lucky ****. You fucking... Right. Do you think after your glow up, you're better looking than me? No.

25:02Truthful. Oh, fucker. You ready for a big one, Sam? I'm loving this. I'm going to be honest, this is fucking mental. You ready for a big one? Yeah, go, go, go, go. Do you think we're the new Ant and Dick? Yes.

25:26Truthful. Fuck off! What is wrong with you? Honestly, I'm not even joking. You're overconfident. No, I'm convinced. I am convinced. We're basically there. That's a statement. Do you think I'm a good boss? Yes. Truthful.

25:49If you were to get married, would I be your best man? Yes. Truthful. For fuck's sake. I know exactly what you're doing as well. Mate, you already told me what we'd be doing for the stag. Mark, he's taken me all over the gaff. Mate, he said we're going to literally go to like Beaver. Then we're going to go with Marbella, as you say, for a little bit. We're going to play golf. We're going to have a great time. And his speech will be amazing. There'll be tears as well. Maybe a lighter tick than your friends get to ask the questions. Yeah, exactly. He's going to shag one of the bridesmaids. Who are the bridesmaids?

26:20Well, I don't know yet, actually, to be fair. That's who the girl is. Right. I've got a really good one, which I think some of us will enjoy. Oh, God, fuck it. Have you had more work done to your face than you've told us?

26:39Truthful. Oh, you know everything. Oh, this is getting a bit fucking... I feel like Sam's mastered it. That's the technicality. Sam. Yeah.

26:56Are you in love with anyone?

27:03No.

27:12Truthful. Yes! Oh, the panic! The panic! It started to rise slightly and then it dipped down again. Whoa! That actually makes me really happy. Oh! Oh! We're going to do two nice ones to finish. Okay, right, go. All right, yeah. First one, it's something that you've spoken about on the pod loads, and I think it's utter rubbish. Do you actually remember your birth? Yes.

27:41Fail. Liar! I do! You do! You don't! I do! You don't remember your birth. They can see for about five seconds it was running flat, and then it's just gone like that. No, it's because that's how it felt when I was birthed. What, it was just flat? Yeah, and then bang, light and cold. I just remember the feeling, Mark. Lie detectors don't lie. Fuck's sake. You failed it. Fucking people do. You are a fucking nasty piece of work. Okay, right. Lying not only to me, but to the staying relevant family. I disagree with the lie detector there, but whatever. Next one, please. We're going to do one really nice one.

28:17Am I actually your best friend? Yes. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Strap him up. Am I your best, mate? fucking strap him up I can answer that without it no no no no I don't like that I don't like that at all ask me another one sorry you're really enjoying this I love it I'll tell you what we're going to do I'll tell you what we're going to do and I feel like I feel like this should happen because there's people in the room that don't know you as well as I do yeah so I'm as it's your birthday okay I feel like we should we should get some audience participation so if anyone's got a question for Sam Sam, tell me it and I'm going to ask Sam.

28:54Kira, Galena, Pippa, Annalise, have you got any questions that you want to know? Kira, do you know what yours is? No, I'm reading the listener one. Yeah, but what's yours? Yeah, specifically. We wrote those. Okay, Sam. Yeah. Is there anyone that works for us that you don't like? No.

29:19Truthful. Oh, you're such a fucking nut. I fucking hate Josh. I can't believe that. That's so bad. Yeah, that's really bad. That's going to be really bad. I think we've got the best team. I've got one. Do you think you have a big dick? What? Describe big. No, it's a yes or no. No.

29:48Truthful. Oh. Well, it depends what big is. Do you think you're selfish in bed? No. It's rising.

30:00See how long it took. See how long it took. See how long it took. See how long it took. The moment he says rising, you're going to peak. It started going like this and then after like seven seconds it just went like this. A couple of other ones whilst we're on set. Is it all set up my face? You can't ask yourself the questions. That's not how this works. Sam, have you ever asked anyone to call you daddy? You can't move, Sam. Cover it up. Okay, Sam, have you ever asked anyone to call you daddy? No. Straight away. Instantaneous. Daddy Sam? Daddy Sam? All right. Oh, now I'm getting really hot. Why do you look drunk?

30:52Do you think...

30:57you're good in bed? Yes.

31:07Truthful. You think you're... Cold. So despite being selfish and a small dick, you think you're good in bed? That's wild behaviour. Daddy Sam with the small dick and the fucking selfishness is actually a great fuck. It's not small, mate, but we're talking about large, huge, mungus cocks. I'm not in that bracket. All right, interesting. Interesting. Have you ever thought about another girl whilst having sex with someone? No.

31:50I'm waiting but nothing happening that's truthful and that's why you're good in bed you're present it's not much to give but it's there I think on that note we should probably wrap it up yeah wow that was fucking amazing I'm so emotionally scarred and tired but in the best possible way not as emotionally scarred as fucking Josh will be Mark thank you so much we really really appreciate it we are going to keep you behind for a little bit because there's a few things I'm going to ask the team before we move on but Sam this has been your kind of birthday week what are you actually doing for your birthday?

32:29well I was going to see if you wanted to go for dinner tonight Pete but I've heard that you're not around so no yeah that was just me, Louise and Ryan yeah I'm going to Oasis with your vita it's not actually your fucking birthday It is, because I'm away for my birthday. So actually what you did is you invited all of us out and gave us the day, and then you fucked off to Spain. That just about sums you up, doesn't it? Well, happy birthday, mate. We love you. Catch us next week, Monday. Catch us next week? Catch us next week. What's happened there? Monday. Yeah, we'll see you then. Ta-ra, fuckers.

33:05We love you so much. What a bonus. What a panic. This has been a Staying Relevant production. So you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is. But what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one? We'll see how extendable this extendable table really is. And extra chairs are on the way. Okay. What if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over? Ready to go with extra bedding and towels.

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35:30Hello, Relevanters. We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog, Marry, Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.