Sam and Pete tear the team apart

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1:47Wayfair, every style, every home. I keep almost thinking I'm wetting the bed, but I'm not. You probably are. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just sweating. Just thinking about it. I'm just sweating. So I wake up at night. How much are you sweating? Loads. That you think you're in a puddle of piss? Mate, I don't know. I'm just sweating so much. Are you only sweating from the ****? Mate, I don't know. I wake up and I'm like, ****, I piss myself. But I haven't. I'm just sweating. Do you know what as well? I keep waking up and not knowing where I am. Yeah, I keep waking up and going, where am I? Where am I?

2:20and they're like, oh, I'm going to try to shout it out. Based on that last step, you're probably between fucking Louise and Ryan. Fucking. We just did loads of threesome pictures. You would have loved it. You would have loved it. I know you would have. It was so fun. Pippa was there. Oh, yeah, I actually asked Pippa to be involved in that one as well. So that's paddle and helping out. Excellent.

2:49Welcome to Staying... Right, ready? Get on with it then. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the bonus episode with me, Sam Thompson, and Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph, Jezariah, Jeremiah Wicks. We're going to have a fucking good one today, I'll tell you that much. Oh, well, you've done it already, but if you didn't already know, there will be swearing if you don't like it. Ah, piss off. Yeah, piss off. This is the bonus episode, which means it's Thursday. You'll be able to watch this on Sunday from 5pm on Josh's YouTube channel. And Monday's episode, which came out audibly, you can now watch on Josh's YouTube channel because it came out yesterday, which is Wednesday at 5pm, which means that you can catch us on a...

3:30Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. This is the bonus episode, which is generally about you guys. So if you want to feature in this episode, then email the worst email address in the world, which is hello at srproductions.co.uk. I fucking hate it with a passion. Shall we crack the fuck on? Well, I think we should start really with a bit of an update. Our first game of the season is on the horizon. Grey Bar United are about to kick off. Up the GBU. Up the GBU. They're about to kick off in their first game. We've got loads of emails of support coming in for the boys. And more importantly, both of our personalised kits are on the way.

4:09Wonderful. Excellent. I'm so glad that I'm getting something for me money. I look forward to wearing that. Never. We're actually getting, we got a video message, didn't we? That lovely man. He was a very, very sweet guy. It's caused quite a stir, this whole football team sponsorship. I think a bit more than I thought it was going to be. And Pete's now really panicking. I'm really panicking because the problem we have is it has caused quite a stir. I mean, it has gone nationwide, the fact that we have sponsored a football team. We've done the lowest denominator of money we possibly could. And the problem is now, because it's caused a stir, all that means is it's going to cost me more.

4:46Pete thinks we have to give 10 grand. Because now we look tight. It was just supposed to be a nice sort of gesture. Here's some kits. And currently there are plans in process to build a clubhouse. I feel like we've got planning permission on the way. There's all sorts of different things happening. Apparently they need a bus. Lots of different things. Sam has offered to be the bus driver. I would. Don't start saying things because you know I'm going to do it. I mean, look, the first game of the season, I think, is this weekend. It is. Well done, Peter. It is this weekend. We should probably be there for that.

5:20So let's do some score predictions. Let's just remember that the top scorers for Division 4 last year at 1 and 2 were from the old GBU. Up the GBU. Up the GBU. What do you reckon? I reckon it will be 11-9. Because, obviously, we score a lot of goals. at the GBU. We let them in. But we seem to let them in because, well, evidently, the goalkeeper's shit. Well, what formation do you think we're going to use? You know, let's really get into this. I think what we're probably going to do is sort of a 110. Any tips for them? Yeah, like, just score more than the other lot. I think that's probably a pretty safe...

5:59Mate, we're football owners. We're a club owner now. Yeah, like, look, as far as I'm... My football prowess, all right, and how I used to play football was if in that, kick it out. I have a question for you. I might have an answer. What if now people are expecting us to give a little bit more? What, cash? Just cash and our time. It's the GBU. Great Bar United for Birmingham. At the GBU. Are we getting, should we get more involved? Well, no. I think we probably should. I mean, look, you're the football guy. Maybe you could follow it and actually, because I think you could really help them, you know, and their social media presence on Sam T.

6:37Footy. obviously because if you don't know Sam's football blog, which has been up and running for a number of years now, sort of the John Motson of our time,

6:50I think you should really get in there. I think you would be, as a big football fan... We should go up, come on, come on, come on, in our trench coats. If someone wants to fucking have it as well. Yeah, but if we go up in our trench coats, mate, all they're going to think we're going to do is flash them. I mean, you in a trench coat gives flasher. I don't understand. don't worry then like torches no cock what flesh we should scarpen our trench coat and if anyone wants to have it on with us by the way we can if anyone wants to have it on with us sorry I'm going to be honest with you this is a football team a Sunday or Saturday league football team in division 3 now because they've gone out in somewhere in the Midlands I don't think they need a firm No, but we should.

7:39We're not the ICU. No, we should. We should be a firm. ICU. No, that's intensive care unit. ICF. In a city firm. Sorry. We should absolutely. To be honest with you, I think they will need an ICU. But, mate, we should start like a fan zone. How many fans do you reckon they've got? Oh, I reckon there's like, how many of us in here? I know. But do you reckon they've got like a proper fan? Up the GBU. But do you reckon there's people, have you known the Willstone Raider? Yeah. You've got no fans. You've got no fans. But what if they do have fans? Well, they must have fans, like, you know, parents and girlfriends.

8:11No, but do you reckon they've got fans of people who aren't related to them? No. Why are you saying that? It's Division 3 of a, like, sorry, what do you think the capacity crowds are at this gaff? They don't have stands. Like, mate, you think. They don't have stands? You haven't bought Chelsea, mate. What? They're called Great Bar United. What do they know? I thought they had seating. You thought they had seating? Yeah. Yes, it's when someone brings a deck chair out from the boot of their car and they plonk it down on the side of the fucking pitch. Sorry, do you think they're going to name a stand after us?

8:44I genuinely did. I feel like we should... Where do you sit? Oh, I sit in the staying relevant south stand. Yeah. No, Sam. It's literally a park. Oh, they play in a park? In between trying to score goals and not let them in, they're dodging dog shit. Right? I know this is very different for you. Have you never played Saturday League football? Oh, it's just Sunday League. Yes, Saturday, Sunday. Sorry, mate. Did you think we were potentially in line for a cup run in the FA Cup? Oh, the fingers crossed we get United. The fuck is wrong with this kid? I actually used to play Saturday League football.

9:21We need to pump some money in then. We need to buy some players. I've pumped enough into it. We need to buy some. Can you buy players? Can we buy players? There's not a transfer window, mate. Is there not? No, mate. It's like my brother plays a bit of football. Sign him up. Oh, right. Okay. We're not... Sorry. Sorry. If anyone is looking for a job, we're looking for scouts because we are looking to transfer some teams from higher leagues just to bring us down. This isn't... We're not Ryan Reynolds and the little fella. That's how I feel. I think we should try and get at least some really good footballers to come and play for Great Bar United.

9:53Well, I mean, look. Anyone got contact for Ronaldo? I don't know. I just feel like we could really build something special here. What? We need a chant. That's not a chant. No, it's not. And neither is there going to be a chant. Oh, stick it in your GBU. Oh, stick it in your GBU. Maybe it's like, if we don't like the other side, we're going to be like, oh, we're going to stick it in your GBU. If we don't like the other side, but if they get confused with that, it sounds like we're going to stick it in their gob. Not bad. Oh, we're going to stick it in your gob. Up the GBU. All right, mate, I can't wait for this.

10:45This is going to be so fun. It's going to be so fun. We all need to go up as a team. Right, I'm going to be honest with you. Enough of this tomfoolery. Give them a pep talk for their first game. Let's give them another five grand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's give them another five grand. No, no, no, no, no. I think we've got to do it. Mate, the nation's watching. I'll be honest with you, the first check has bounced. They don't know that yet. We're not stingy, Pete. We can't be stingy. The nation knows now. The nation is there. I just want, look into the camera. I want a pep talk for the boys.

11:17All right, fellas, how are you? Right, boys, let me tell you something right now. We're going to do a 4-3-2-1, okay? And number one up top's the target man, number nine. I want you to go out there. I want you to give it some. I want you to take it as well. No. I don't want you to take it. I want you to give it because taking would be losing goals. So I want you guys, let me start again. Let me just start again. All right, lads. No, sorry. Sorry, let me just start again. Boys, we've got this. You've got this. We here at Staying Relevant Productions believe in you. You're going to ping it in from the wings.

11:57You're going to fucking get your nuts on it and you're going to absolutely send it. I want two-footed tackles. I want absolute energy, and I want commitment. If you don't have any of that, Pete's going to have words. And if you win the league, we'll give you two and a half grand. Yeah, yeah, deal. And I swear, that's on God. Can't pull out that now. I mean... Don't you demand us on God? I'm an atheist. Well, that's fun. We're going to give you two and a half grand if you win the league. Okay, lads, we're not. Each. You're not playing for money. you're playing for pride. You're playing for pride.

12:33All right? Just fucking go and do your best. We're proud of you no matter what. That's cute. I should start with that. You're not having any more money. I would quite like a stand, though. That'd be quite fun. They literally play. It's like school playing fields, mate. They don't have a home. It'll be a home pitch, but it'll be a formation of about six pitches, which is the local community. Do they train? Playing... I'm not... I don't know. I know as much as you. I don't know. We should go and watch them train. I think we should be up there once a month at least. Do you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just show our faces, just so they know that we're behind them.

13:15Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that'll make a massive difference. I genuinely... The only thing I genuinely want from this team now is for Sam to get a game. I would love that. If Sam gets a game, I'll come. If Sam makes it onto the pitch, I will come. Bro, I can play, man. I'm both footed. Because Sam is a baller. He can play. I can play. I'm both footed. You can put me on the left or the right. Cack footed. Yeah, mate. I don't even know what that means, but yeah. And, mate, I'm quick. I'm quick. Well, not as quick. I'm going to be honest with you. I think because we are obviously leaking goals at the minute.

13:51No, I'm not going to the back. Well, listen. I'm so too small. I'll get bullied. I used to play right back. There you go, get Pete in. And I'll tell you, it takes a lot of fucking get past me because I will chin a ****. And I will stand behind him. Last time I played football, it was in a charity game and I got sent off in about 30 seconds for kicking Dappy so far in the air, I don't think the **** will come back down again. So if that's what you want on your team, no, no, no. And he's gone. That's how we roll. well actually we're not even moving on we're not even moving on from Great Bar United because what we do on this episode is we get emails from you this is why we do it this is why we do it that's what we do on this episode we get emails from you this is from Laura right Laura goes hearing you say Great Bar United on the latest episode is killing me it doesn't mean great as excellent amazing it is a little area I grew up in Great Bar it isn't great by any stretch of a mile but it is a real place lol but every time you say it it just sounds so enthusiastic I love the pod and we'd love to have you visit Great Bar every Sunday that's from Laura Louise that's from Laura Louise in Sutton in Birmingham Sutton Coldfield in Birmingham I've been there before so it's not like Great it's like oh it's a place called Great Bar yes I think yeah yeah I mean look we may make an appearance at some point and we will be that's all we're saying so Laura we may make an appearance we'll see I imagine it will be a capacity crowd because we'll have to take the entire team.

15:24So there will be seven of us supporting, which will be just wonderful. I can't wait. So excited. Hi, team Sam Relevant. I've been thinking about Sam a lot this week and I really hope he's holding up okay. How does he feel that the Harry Potter celebration and announcement didn't go ahead at King's Cross this year? Livid. Love from Lily. I just want to, you're angry about this. I just want Network Row have said this. Last year's event drew crowds of thousands, which made it challenging for us to run the station normally. Our priority must always be passengers who are trying to make their journeys on the railway.

16:02So regretfully, this year, there was no in-person celebration. Are you okay? Do you know why that is? Do you know why that is? Because I was their last host at King's Cross. I was there. I was there. What are you erring about? Well, I mean... I was there. I'm not joking. Thousands. And that was pre-glow-up. So imagine now, you know, listen, no one is bigger than Harry Potter. No one. Unless you're Sam Thompson. Mate, I hosted it. I hosted the final one and it shut down King's Cross. So was it the first year you did it? No, it was the third. Third year. So after three years of you hosting, they cancelled it.

16:38Yeah. You know what I was saying? It was the one that Vic Hope didn't want to do. So basically it was me and Vic Hope for twice. Oh my God, it was me and Vic Hope doing it twice. And then she didn't come back and I did the final one. and it was the most amount of crowds they've ever had. And there were people even on the top bit as well, the top tiers. I'm not joking, thousands of muggles and wizards and like loads of Dobbies and Snapes. It was fucking mental. The whole of King's Cross was Dumbledores and Voldemort. I'm gutted. Honestly, in all honesty, I'm gutted because I never got to experience that and I was so looking forward to it.

17:14Pete, what would you do? Okay, this is a good one. What I would give to be in a sea of muggles. What would you do if you were at King's Cross at that point? You were late for your train, right? And you had to get somewhere. You had to get to filming for the dog's sake, right? Yeah. And you're late already. You might miss your train. And there's just loads and loads of wannabe wizards just milling around so you can't get to your train. What would I do? Yeah. Start swinging. If they're like, no, no, no, this is the Harry Potter celebration. Give a fuck. Get out of the way, virgin. Dobby doesn't move.

17:49Dobby is free Dobby's getting booted into the fucking railway tracks not if I use my fucking magic on you mate what are you going to do then oh go on abracadabra of a meter death he doesn't actually do that what does he do then he's got elf magic oh shit well fuck me I'm glad you told me because if I'd known it was elf magic I would have just said you do what you like mate oh you fucking ninja you yeah but honestly don't stand in the way of us Potterheads Potterheads? yeah that's our name Potterheads is that your name is it Potterheads there's a lot of us out there Pete and we all you're coming to our world very very soon no no no I'm not I'm just trying to get out of your world and get fucking up north so I can get on with stuff no I don't need all you fucking virgins crowding the fucking space we're not virgins we fuck

18:35so many kinkiest people are Potterheads yeah yeah yeah I haven't actually slept with anyone who's one of them but like no no no you're not there's a lot of like people who dress in a way yeah well like you don't know what's hiding beneath the cloak. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you'd be surprised. Someone said to me the other day, actually, that Harry Potter fans are some of the best in bed. I'm not surprised. Yeah. They're only human. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. They're only mothers. Lots of, you know. Did they actually say that?

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20:16Hablemos de lo que no se hable. Available by prescription only. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. every home.

20:52No, Sam. Of course not. I genuinely thought you were being serious. Absolutely not, no. Do you know, you should sleep with Harry Potter fans because they are naughty bastards. Just let me slither in. Oh, see what you did there. Nice. Nice, nice, nice. Shall we move on? Don't make me Draco your mouth, no. No. Anything else? Go on. You can do a little Harry Potter fucking sex thing. You got this. Come on. I just want to, I just want to, I just want to hag your rid. Hag your, you just want to hag your rid. Yeah. Let me. Go on. You got this, mate. I don't know. I don't know if I do. I'm panicking now because I know everyone's waiting for me.

21:34I mean, there's obvious ones. You want to play me magic wands? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Anything else? No, I haven't got anything. I've panicked. No. I think you should come to the next one because they do. they cancelled it. No, They still do it at the Universal Studios, the Warner Brothers Harry Potter experience. There's also a virtual event. There's a virtual event, which I've also hosted. Bit different, though, because it's online. Virtual event. We can all sit there sort of in front of our... Oh, fucking hell. I mean, that would be brilliant, because I can sit at home cocking hands, just on Zoom, you know, just sitting there going, muggle, muggle, muggle.

22:14Do you know what? There's a really cool thing that just opened up actually. Yeah, go on. I can already feel the way you said it. It's going to be really cool. No, no, genuinely. Genuinely, it's the herbology department. They've just opened that up, Harry Potter World. It's about time. Yeah, genuinely. This is really fucking cool. So what they have is they have these little plants that you pull up. I've forgotten their names actually now. Weeds. And they pull them up and they're little things. They go like that. What a time to be alive. Yeah, it's really, really cool. It's just a new segment they've opened up.

22:44Hi, guys. The journey for relevance is over. You've been made into a birthday card. No way. I imagine this is all of Sam's dreams coming true. Sam, shame I didn't find it before your birthday. Mandrakes, that's what they're called, mandrakes. Shame I didn't find it before your birthday, just gone, but I hope you can still make some use of it. I'm worried Pete might find it slightly more cringe as it does have a slight slogan and doesn't just say happy birthday. Love to you all, Helen. So we've got a picture of it, and it is a picture, a badly drawn picture of Sam and I where I look like a spaniel.

23:18And it says you're the Sam to my Pete. We are though, really, aren't we? Well, we are Sam and Pete. Yeah, so you literally are my Sam. Yeah, you're my Pete. Yeah, because that's, yeah. No, but we're not just Sam and Pete to each other. I'm your Sam and you're my Pete. I own you and you own me. we should make a blood pact oh god I'm going to make you a cupcake and I'm going to put a pube in it well that's a pube pact so you're going to eat a part of me

23:56do you think before you speak do you realise honestly we're in the car and we're going honestly one day this morning I'll do it you've just come on the pod I'm going to make a cupcake and put my pube in it. You're going to eat me.

24:15This podcast has won awards. An award. How do you feel about that though, Pete? What about us being on a birthday card? Nothing says happy birthday like a badly drawn card with a shit slogan. It's not a shit slogan at all. We're fucking superstars now, Pete. We're fucking legends. We need to go out in masks now because people are literally like, oh my God, it's Pete. not one person said that not one person's ever oh my god it's pee not one ever if anything if anything i've gone downhill i've gone downhill the relevance seems to go up and uh the interest goes down very weird situation to be in less in demand than ever to be on shit fighting for me life just trying struggling to breathe Structural.

25:04Well, do you know what this might help? It's question time. It's question time. Da-da-da question time. Da-da-da-da-da. Changes every week. Have the nerves for the O2 started yet? Have you actually pictured being in front of that many people on stage? Ooh, do you know what? We've not asked each other that. Tell me how you're feeling. Sleeping less. Are you? Yeah. Yeah, the nerves have kicked in. For absolute sure, yeah. The excitement has always kicked in as well, though. I'm super fucking excited, and I feel like I never really know what's going to happen anyway. So I just sort of... You do now?

25:43Well, well-ish. Like, I sort of kind of just wing it. And so I feel like the more nerves are probably on Pete because he's got to hold it together. You know, Pete's the man with the earpiece. So you just have to let me free. Yeah. Whereas I feel like you've got more to do. I'm not nervous about being in front of that many people. I feel quite comfortable in that kind of setting. And they're all family, right? You'd hope so. But I am nervous this time around. I wasn't for any of the others. Wow. That doesn't bone well. And I'll tell you what, because this is so much bigger, so much more pressure, and we are so far away from being ready for it.

26:26And there is not long left. So actually, and more than anything, I came back from holiday, and it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. I was like, we, because we're in September now. Yeah. We've been talking about it for so long and it's been going and we announced this fucking so many months ago that it's like, oh, we've still got ages. We've still got ages. We don't. We do not have ages. We have no time left. What now, everything is kind of being put into a place that is of a point of no return. There is no time to change anything. There is no time to do anything other than what the plan is.

26:58and that feels like an awful lot of pressure because we're not even close to executing that plan yet. I need a nervous shot. So if that wasn't cheery enough for you, but actually being in front, I think what will happen is it will be a fucking disaster up until the minute we get on stage and then I think I'm going to love every minute. Yeah, I think we will as well. No one else claps. I am pre-foreseeing tears. Yeah. And I'll tell you why I say that, because I do think it's going to be quite emotional at the fact that you and I, genuinely, as best mates, are headlining the O2. I know. Whether we cry to cheers or boos, I don't know.

27:46But either way, it's going to be some fucking mad experience. Either way, it's fucking happening. This is a once-in-a-lifetime fucking thing where we, not in a million years, This was one of your stupid fucking ideas that you told everyone we'd do at the Apollo out of fucking nowhere without even discussing it with me. And a year later, we're fucking doing it. Do you know what? When we met eight years ago on Celebs Go Dating, it's just two absolute wankers off reality TV. And I mean this in all seriousness, but if you were to say to us back then, we would be headlining the Ode fucking 2, I would just...

28:22Do you know what? Actually, that's the first time it's hit me, just when you said that. The fact that we're actually doing it, regardless of what happens, and I genuinely think it's going to be fucking magical, I really do, but regardless of what happens, the fact that we're doing it is just, I'll never ever forget that moment, ever. And it's a bucket list. That's kind of the reason we're doing it, is because it's a fucking bucket list thing to do and we just want to absolutely smash it and hopefully we will. Yeah, I think I genuinely feel quite a lot of pressure on this one. Yeah, but it's good pressure.

28:53And do you know what, more than anything, and we don't often talk serious about stuff, but more than anything is I really, really don't want to let you down. Yeah. Because it is such a fucking big thing. And it's such a big experience for us. If I do anything that ruins that, I will be gutted. But who do you think it's going to be who ruins it? Oh, but you know what's funny is I can guarantee you everyone's sitting there listening going, no, it'll be Pete. No, it's going to be me. But yeah, anyway, right. Next question. Fucking weird one. If you heard the other scream in a room, what would be the first thing you assumed had happened?

29:29Pete climaxed. Yeah. I'm literally like, fucking, he's absolutely going for it. I would assume that Pippa was in a bin bag again. Because that is the biggest overreaction I've ever seen. What in... That's not an overreaction. That is literally just an overreaction. You dropped to the floor. Do you know how scared it was? Like, how scary it was? Mate, can I explain to you something? I don't get scared easily. It was just a bird in a bag. This s*** had a mask on at Halloween, and I just said, are you right? No, sorry, I'm not having that, because Josh did that terribly. Mate, Pippa was sat there.

30:02Well, she didn't exactly say, it wasn't an Oscar-winning performance. She popped her head out and went, boo. No, she did not. She went, nah. What did she do? And what did you do? Dude, I'm not joking, P. Do you know what it was? It's because I'd clocked the bag before, and in my head being like, oh, I need to shut the door, so I'm going to have to move the bag. And then I forgot. And then Annalise went, Do you mind moving the bag? So I had already, I was so fucking convinced it was a bag full of rubbish. I was so convinced. It's not been confirmed it wasn't. But when she went, I just, I was so fucking shocked.

30:38I couldn't believe it. And I'm going to be honest with you, the scream was quite a high pitch and I did like levitate at one point with T-Rex arms. But I actually, and I mean this, I don't think I've been that scared. it's it's an insight into what people have described like you and i that is that that is exactly how i imagine you'd react to any crisis scream and fall to the floor do you know there's a really there's something happening at loose women right where as we were walking in one of the the ladies who was queuing to watch from the live audience uh fell over bless her god bless her and she fell over.

31:18She was okay, Godspeed. Yeah, she fell over and she was sort of on the floor and I was with Pete's agent and our PR that we share and they both ran over and Pete was already halfway through the door and so Pete was like, there's not much I could do because there's already quite a few people crowded but I was in that like no man's land area where like if I had walked back in, it would have been like, oh, Sam didn't even bother going and having a look. So I stood like in the middle, looked at Pete looked at the crisis situation watched Pete go back in the building went I want to follow him moved slightly before I went to follow him panicked ran over to the lady and just stood there watching because everyone already had it handled but he stood there watching as if it yeah hands in the air not knowing what you could do like as if he was going to catch her she was already on the deck yeah it was just you know that's me in a crisis just there's too much pausing and there's too much procrastination see I'm you're just there Snappy, make decisions.

32:15Give me your scream. Scrubbed me a scream. I've never... So unnecessary. I apologise to anyone listening. Give me a scream. I don't think I've ever... Genuinely, I don't think I've ever screamed. Push your mic a little bit back and give me a scream. Ah! Give me one more. That's a shout, though, more than a scream, isn't it?

32:45I don't really know. Is that a scream? I've never screamed. That's something. Does Pete exist? That's another. Is Pete a screamer? I've never screamed at anything. And what do we think Pete's scream sounds like? Really quickly, can you both pick your Desert Island survival team from the team we've got here? But like how they do in sports teams in America. So you take it in turns to pick someone. So who wants to pick first? I'll let you have first pick. Okay, well, I've definitely got... Is this a sports team or just a desert survival team? Yeah, so if you are on a desert island... But also, Sam, let's remember that this isn't actually going to happen, so we don't need to logically think this through.

33:24None of us are going to be marooned on a desert island together, and if we were, I would just drown myself. Can I pick you? No, okay, I can't pick you. Well, no, because we're on opposite. Or can you pick each other? No, you're the team captains, like, in sports. We're the team captains. So let's just imagine, and this is a really good hypothetical, because we're foreseeing that we're both going to end up on a separate desert island. So, you know what I mean? Like one of the, oh, God, how did we end up here? I pick Kira. Okay, so Sam's first pick is Kira. Bold choice. Can I explain why? Hold on.

33:56I was going to say, if you could explain, but really quickly. Okay, I pick Kira because she does high rocks and netball. Great, nice. My first pick, unsurprisingly, would be Pippa. No, wrong decision. I thought about her, but terrible decision. Why? No, absolutely not. You're lazy. Boring? You were going to say boring. That's just a personality trait. I don't want to be on the team anyway. No, Pippa ain't doing shit. I'm Tim Pete. Pippa's not doing shit. You think Pippa's out there chopping wood and getting there? But hold on. What I need is someone to do the things that I'm not. I will be chopping wood.

34:32I will be doing all that sort of stuff. So what's Pippa going to do? Pippa would be great at organising shit. Me and Kira are out there. We are building shit. No, no, no, no, no. No, what's happening is Kira is surviving. So what you've done is you've gone and picked the person who will most help you survive. Because Kira, I feel like out of everyone here, genuinely, good pick, is probably the most likely to survive. Yeah, she's also a camper. So what you've gone for is if I take Kira, I can sunbase because I'll be fine. Kira's also a camper. She's a festival goer. She could shit in a ditch. okay so now it's back to your pick so i've gone for pippa because i feel like we have opposite things so we never argue and we make we're always on the same page uh josh you go josh okay excellent why thank god um sorry i love you man i've gone i've gone josh uh because i think josh is uh he's a super nice guy and and that is key for survival yeah and i feel he's also a real good team player And I feel like he really does sort of like throw it.

35:35He mucks in with everybody. And I feel like I've got a really good team at the moment. You know, we've got a trifecta, a trifecta of real, real sort of like we're in it together and we're going to die together. Yeah. Because if one of us goes, we all have to go, by the way. That's the rule. That's the rule. So I've got a pick between Chuckles, Annalise and G. I'm going to go. Don't you dare pick Annalise, mate, because let's be honest, she's getting picked last. Annalise getting picked last every day of the fucking week do you know what I'm going to go Annalise oh you're dead I'm going to you have you have starved let me tell you why I'm going to go Annalise I'm going to go Annalise because I genuinely believe Pippa and I would just survive without everyone else and the reason I'd go Annalise is because she would be the easier for me to kill and eat but also but on a serious note also because Annalise is my OG favourite no and the problem with Annalise is that she just out there.

36:30She really is sunbathing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Annalise is just sitting there. She's just chilling. No, what I believe Annalise would do was go and find a way and she would probably... Annalise would just... I feel like she would be sort of... Soothing, calm. Yeah, because Annalise's just like, guys, it's nice weather. We're chilling. Like, just think of it like we're on holiday. And I'd be like, do you know what? That's a really good attitude to have. She's a positive pigeon. Okay, so we've got Hannah and Galena. Which one of you play sports? Whoa. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Galena's a climber.

37:01Sorry, Hannah, you're last. Mate, Galena's a climber. Dude, she boulders. Sorry. You're above Josh. Mate, I've got Galena. You've already got Josh. Yeah, but Josh is great. But, mate, I like Josh because he's just a nice guy. Galena's got attributes. Like, you've got... Josh, no attributes, mate, but just pleasure to be around. Yeah, Galena, you've got assets, man. Oh, no, no, no, no. You've got assets. So basically what I want you to do is just climb shit and pick us up some eggs and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, just pick up the eggs, darling. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

37:40Girline's just got to climb shit. Listen, your team's great. She can shit in a ditch. He's a nice guy and she can climb for eggs. Yeah, mate, honestly, we're surviving for years. Years. Well, I am over the moon that I have... And listen, not because you're the last pick, Chuckles, but you would have been part of my team anyway, darling. All right? And I'm picking Chuckles because who doesn't need Chuckles when you're surviving? No. She's not a climber. No, she's not a climber, but she won't need to climb. Chuckles is methodic, very methodic, I feel, when it comes to work. So between her and Pippa, what I've got, I can go and do all the physical shit.

38:20I can chop wood. I can go and get food. I'm the only one that's actually been on a desert island. I can go and do all that. Start fire, build, I can do that. What I need is people to fucking get us working, get it done. You better help them out. You're under the... That's controlling Pete to another level as well. You guys will literally... Do you know what the worst is? You're going to die so quick. You know why? Just before we finish, because Pete, within about two weeks, you'll be emaciated and so skinny because you'll be doing every single ounce of the work because you won't allow anyone else to help.

38:51So you'll be fishing. You'll be creating fires. You'll be chopping wood. You'll be making the dens. You'll be so tired and spindly and you'll be just like sucked in with the cheeks and you're literally going to be like I've got nothing left and then the girls are just going to be sat there doing nothing like Annalise is going to be sunbathing Hannah's going to be sitting there going why am I here why am I here why am I here Pippa like Pippa will already be dead do you know what Annalise will be wandering around the island with her phone going still no secrets yeah exactly alright we'll be thriving but do you know what if I could pick anyone genuinely I would pick you thank you and I'll pick you too thank you man so fuck all you bitches yeah fucking yeah Yeah.

39:26Yeah. Right. Oh, and up the GBU. Yeah, as always, you know, as always. Flame on. Up the GBU. Go on, boys. Go on, boys. Yeah, go on, boys. Stick it in. Yeah, yeah, fucking stick it in. Into the net. Yep. You didn't need to say it. Thank you for listening to Staying Relevant. Make sure if you want to feature in the podcast to email our email address, which is the worst thing in the world. Hello at srproductions.co.uk. follow us staying relevant blah blah blah blah you know the fucking score Sam's gotta go no no Sam doesn't Sam's okay no no no I want to go oh right okay fine so bye this has been a staying relevant production who says Halloween only lasts one day with Wayfair one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home from larger than life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

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42:01Go to ShipStation.com and use code AUDIO and get 30 days free. Hello, Relevanters. We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog, Marry, Avoid, one of our favourite games all with fictional characters so prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas and possibly the genie from Aladdin we don't know yet we're sort of like undecided on that one that's an avoid for me that one genie I don't know I quite like it listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership