Sam gets a lesson in s*x education

0:00Los deportes, bring families together. Maybe it's watching El Partido or cheering from the stands. While you are taking care of everyone else, don't forget to take care of yourself. If you are 45 or older and at average risk, it's time to screen for colon cancer. Colorward Plus is non-invasive, requires no prep, and can be used at home in about 15 minutes. Habla con tu médico o request Colorward Plus test online. Hablemos de lo que nos de habla. Available by prescription only. Hey y 'all, Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. You know my favorite compliment during the holidays? your house feels so cozy.

0:34That's when I know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes, grab more dessert, and stay a little longer. Wayfair makes it easy with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials all in one place. So whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend, everyone feels right at home. Get holiday guests ready at wayfair.com or on the Wayfair app today. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hi, I'm Nick, co-host of best one yet. You optimize your workouts, your portfolios, and that rando startup idea that hit you in the middle of the shower. But if you're not hydrated, you're already playing catch-up.

1:06So we keep a stash of Liquid IV in our studio. One stick mixed into 16 ounces of water is clinically demonstrated to hydrate faster than water alone with three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink, plus eight vitamins and nutrients. Whether you're traveling, exercising, or podcasting, the best business news ever, Liquid IV makes it easy to stay hydrated wherever life takes you. So shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV hydration, that goes wherever life takes you. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by two best friends, the bonus episode edition, hosted by me, Sam Thompson, and Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph, Franklin, Jezaria Wicks.

1:49I'm going to swear if you don't like it, f*** off. There's no alcohol available at this point, unfortunately, because we are at the end of a very long day. But this is the bonus episode, as Sam said, which means it is Thursday. You'll be able to watch this on Sunday from 5pm on Josh's YouTube channel and Monday's main episode, which came out audibly, you can now watch on YouTube as of last night, which is Wednesday. So you can catch us on a... Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. Beautifully done. This is the bonus episode, sorry, not the main episode. I feel like I can't see properly, but I think that's a good thing.

2:30I haven't been able to see for a long time. Yeah, it's a real struggle. It's my vision. Yeah, I've got one eye on you and one eye on Pippa right now. It's worse when I'm tired. As this is the bonus episode, it is about you predominantly. That's what we like it to be about. and if you would like to be part of this, then please get involved by emailing the worst email address in the world. Hello at srproductions.co.uk. Rate review, do all of that crap. You know the score by now. Oh, I've got some updates for you. I've got updates. Wonderful. Is it your head hurts? No, no, no, no. I'm just grabbing my head.

3:07We paid the football team. The money's gone in.

3:16So we're now sponsoring big team, great knobhead United or whatever. What's their name again? Great Bar United FC. Great Bar United FC. The money is transferred to their account. It's gone through. Have we seen kits or we just sent money? We just sent money. Has anyone who, I don't want to say that I don't trust you guys. Have we checked that this is a football team? have we checked someone hasn't just emailed in, sent a picture of a random team and gone sponsor us and we've gone absolutely is a couple of grand. I've got to be honest now, I haven't actually done much due diligence on them all.

3:58No, you haven't, have you? So what's happened, guys, is we've sent some money to someone. Imagine if we were being scammed. We've sent some money to someone and we're just in the hope, we're just in the hope that our names will appear on a football team somewhere in the Midlands region. Because this sounds sketchy as fuck to me. None of you fucking checked it. You've just sent money to someone. So what we do know is Great Bar United's first game, the 14th of September. I know it's dangerous close to the O2, but we could go up and support. Unfortunately, we're unable to. Why? Because I don't care.

4:37I do. Have a great time, guys. Well, I don't know. You might think differently, though, after I play you this. Oh, excellent. So now it's voice notes. This, to me, I don't know if anyone watched the Tinder swindler. This is now the football team swindle. This is going to be a fucking Netflix documentary. Here we go.

4:57Hello, Sam, Pete and Staying Relevant team. Firstly, I just want to thank you on behalf of everyone at Great Bar United for becoming our sponsors for the upcoming season. And everyone at the club is really excited, especially the wives and girlfriends. Last season, as you know, we finished fourth in Division 4 and our two strikers, Brad Fox and Sam Rally, finish first and second top goalscorers in the league. As new teams have joined this year, we have been moved up into Division 3. All the lads are up for a challenge this season and we're hoping for a finish in the top three with a brilliant squad that we've built.

5:29We hope to see you soon on a cold Sunday morning, cheering on the boys. Up the GBU. Thank you very much. Speak soon. Up the GBU, baby! Come on! Mate, we have football team sponsors, man. That was really sweet. And they'd be moved up a division. I didn't realise that. Joint top scorers. Fuck me. They're on fire. Well, I mean, great. They sound great offensively. How shit is the defence? The defence? Well, if they're the joint top scorers, how the fuck have they finished fourth? How many people in the league? I mean, I don't know. They sound like they're on. I know exactly how many people in the league.

6:04Six. There were six in the league. Oh, oh. But so actually, they were just above relegation, but because of an influx of teams in the Midlands area, they've moved them up a division. But they're hoping for a top three finish, despite the fact that they couldn't make a top three finish in the fucking division below. But we could go and see them, as he explained, on a cold Sunday morning. I mean, he's made that sound wonderful. Listen, mate, all I'm going to say, don't even know, what's his name? Alex. Alex. Hello, mate. Enjoy the cash. Why do the wives and girlfriends, why are they excited? Well, I imagine because he's married to Alex.

6:39So what are they spending the money on the wives and girlfriends? Is it going to the football team? The wives and girlfriends are incredibly excited. I don't know, Sam. Well, actually, I do know. Maybe it's because we've got the old nation's sweetheart thirst trap there. Hey? They're all looking forward to seeing the mullet in real life. And in real life we shall be doing. Yeah, let me know, guys, how it's going. The question is, Pete. I'll do a video for you. Can you do it on a cold, rainy Sunday at Birmingham? That's the real question, mate. Well, I don't want to.

7:13No, on a serious note, listen, I'm going to be nice now. Good luck for the fucking season. I hope you do really well and I hope you get your top three finish. Don't tell me about it. I don't care. No, we do. We do. We want updates. You've got your money now. Send us the kits. Yeah, send us a picture. I just want to see what I've wasted the money on. And then, you know, at the end of next year, maybe hit up, help us shag my mum, see if they'll do next year for you. also if you do want us to turn up like do you want us in suits or do you want us in like coaching gear do you want us to play like where do you see us I will point this out what would be really interesting I think we can probably sort out and I'm going to be really really honest here and this isn't one of these things that I just kind of say and then I end up doing I'm not travelling to fucking Birmingham to watch you end of I do far too busy to do that but what I will say Sam is a bit of a baller himself I don't know if you saw Soccer Aid.

8:07He's played for the last two years and touched the ball twice. So what I will say, the injuries are clearing up now. Worth maybe Sam enrolling in the league? Honestly, I would go and have a game. Is it potential that we could get Sam a game? I know you've got two of the top scorers in Division 15, but, you know, Sam's a baller, you know? I would fucking do it. If anyone wants to come up and play or watch us play, I love the fact all we've done is send them some cash and now it's us. So, but as you said that, Alex, up the GBU. Up the GBU.

8:50Was that your arsehole?

8:55I thought that was a phone by brain. You followed through. Up the GBU. oh my god you've got to start just shit yourself no I haven't it was dry fart anyway moving on to moving on to emails Pippa's got her eyes closed heads in hands just how we like it this is from Lucy hello boys long time listener here I just what what what she's literally just written hey boys why would you do that what do what why has Lucy gone hello boys I don't know I just The fuck happened then? The actual thought was going to happen. What happened then? I don't know. It's all right. Hey, boys. So we've got an email from Lucy.

9:41Hello, boys. I don't know. Just, just, all right, lads. Hey, boys. All right, boys. Any way I say it, that would sound weird. All right, boys. Last. Hey, boys. I'm sending a voice note to you. Between the two emails, Lucy's balls have dropped. Hello, boys. Hey, boys. Hey, boys. That was fun. That was good. That was a good one. Hey, boys. I'll do it again. Okay. We get it. She started the fucking email with hey, boys. Long time listener here. I just watched the episode on YouTube of you guys exploring the idea of having your very own staying relevant sex toys. I feel like hey, boys was actually quite a good intro now.

10:30I happen to work for a sex toy supplier that provides top brands such as Fleshlights and Rose Toys. We actually do create labelled and personalised toys if this is something you'd like. So happy to send a box of weird and wonderful toys for you to enjoy. I'm just a long-term listener who wants to give back. Love you long time, Lucy. I mean, I've got a couple of things to point out. Firstly, we'll get on to what she said at the minute. Secondly, why do you keep adding in to people's emails? She hasn't put love you long time. She literally just said love Lucy. How have you come in? She hasn't said that at all.

11:11She didn't say that once. She didn't say hello boys. And she didn't say at the end love you long time. She just said love Lucy. What's happened there? Where did you get that from? I don't know. Anyway, listen, Lucy, love you long time too. Um, fucking hell. Have you used a flashlight? Eh? Have you used a flashlight? No, I haven't. Have you? No, no, no, I genuinely haven't. Oh, you're just happy with the... God's honest. Just like a wet sock? No, no. I know what it is. Okay, good start. It's like a flashlight. No. No, it is, though. It's a flashlight with a hole in it. No, well, why don't you explain in detail a flashlight and who you think might use them?

11:57A guy would use it, I think. Listen, don't look at me for real films. A guy would use it. Listen, just fly this plane for us. Okay, fine. Give me the controls. Listen, autopilot off. Sam in manual control of the sex toy flight. Sam's in control here and we are cruising at 18 ,000 feet. The fleshlight is a, it looks like a flashlight with a hole in the end and within the body of the light is what feels, I think, to the male penis, a vagina. I think. And you're like... What do you mean? Just do stuff with it. Like what? I don't know. I've never had one. I wouldn't know. Okay. And, I mean, am I right?

12:49I mean, I think you've just gone fleshlight, fleshlight. I don't think it has to be shaped like a torch Oh I didn't know that I mean it can be but there are other forms of fleshlight that mean they don't have to be shaped like you might potentially see in the dark with it I've always wanted to know whether it turned on and also like the fleshlights generally they are also shaped to resemble a vagina it's not just a hole in a tube Oh right, okay Well that's just sticking your cock in a hole like the idea is it's supposed to resemble slightly a vagina as well. Why would you buy one? Because it's supposed to help.

13:27Nothing against it, by the way. Sorry. Well, no, just any sex toy people. I actually don't, like, care. Yeah, yeah. Any of the sex toy people, like Lucy, we also love you long time. Yeah, we do. I don't mind. I'm fine. Godspeed to the sex toys. Yeah. But you can also have it based on certain vaginas, so you can get famous vaginas that are shaped. Well, of course you can. Same as you can get, you know, like famous porn stars have their own fleshlights, which is specifically shaped like their nether region. Wow. And, I mean, questions for you, I think, because I just can't wait to hear this. Lubrication.

14:05What about it, Peter? Fleshlight. What happens? I don't know. Well, I mean, if I handed you a fleshlight now, how would you lubricate that bad boy? I don't know. Vaseline. I don't know. What the fuck am I meant to say? What would you use? Well, I mean, some are self-lubricating. Oh, wow. But then, obviously, you pose these other... Pete, for a man who doesn't have a fleshlight, you know quite a lot about fleshlights here. How would you know they're self-lubricating? No, some are. But also, I mean, the biggest question is what do you do with your load after you've dumped it? Put it in the washing machine.

14:45In the dishwasher.

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15:26Visita coloGuard.com diagonal prueba para obtener más información solo con receta médica. Hacerte la prueba es un acto de amor por ti y por tu familia. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger than life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house. Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

16:02Hi, I'm Nick, co-host of The Best One Yet. You optimize your workouts, your portfolios, and that rando startup idea that hit you in the middle of the shower. But if you're not hydrated, you're already playing catch-up. So we keep a stash of Liquid IV in our studio. One stick mixed into 16 ounces of water is clinically demonstrated to hydrate faster than water alone with three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink, plus eight vitamins and nutrients. Whether you're traveling, exercising, or podcasting, the best business news ever, Liquid IV makes it easy to stay hydrated wherever life takes you.

16:30So shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

16:40Well, how was you cleaning it? I imagine you manually probably have to I can't imagine you I can't imagine you whack it in with your fucking your cereal bowl yeah that's pretty grim just have all your fucking load swirl around in the dishwasher with the fucking knives and forks and then invite someone around for a couple of steaks you know what I mean but yeah interesting but obviously again I mean interesting that Lucy wants to give back Rose toys. What do we know about rose toys? I have no idea. I've actually held a rose toy before. We got sent them on the pod ages ago. Do you remember that?

17:17I do remember. It's honestly shaped like a rose bud. Do you think that's why they call it that? Yeah, but I don't understand where you, what do you like, where do you place the rose that gives you maximum satisfaction? Other than the vagina, obviously. Is that where you'd place your rose? Sorry, what I mean is it's just quite big. do you not remember holding the fuck it was like you're holding like an orb yeah it was big help me drowning it doing this too much just it was like that it was like josh it was like that big no but it was it was it was like never held one bro it was like that so i just don't understand like well look let's be honest so uh love you long time lucy has offered to send some stuff because, you know, a box of weird and wonderful toys.

18:14Personalised. Personalised, which is maybe an initial dildo for you. Who knows how lucky we could get. But what is your experience with sex toys? Absolutely. Well, a couple of previous partners, have you, you know... Dabbled, but not in anything too vibey. Like, just, as I said, I don't know what Rose is. so that's sort of like my level of expertise do you know what I'm just going to ask a quick question to the room here girls do you know what a rose is no no no no no the only person you can ask the only person you can ask questions to at this point and within this conversation is ding dong Josh ding dong so but do the girls in this room know do they know what it is you missed where I said we cannot ask the ladies in the room about sex toys at this point.

19:06Josh, it's a free-for-all. Ask him all about his dildos. I've never held one, but I think you should put your... Put it on your head? No, no, no. Like, think about it. Where would a girl put it? I know that, but have you seen the size of the... No, I know, but like, precision.

19:27Precision. Why do I feel like we're all fucking losers? At this point, in all honesty, we have five ladies in the room who are all so close to getting up and leaving and not just the record, the company. But Lucy, in response, we would love to receive your box of dildos. Do you know what? And we'll test them out. No. As in like, no. No, but we'll display them on our coffee table. We'll put one in the back. Yeah. We're not going to put it out the back. We're going to put one. we're going to put one in the back of the room and we'll put one on the shelves and we'll display it for you. I think we should move on.

20:10Just before we go, Lucy, love you long time. Love you long time, Lucy. Godspeed. Godspeed. We're on question time now. Question time. This is a nice one. If you two were to go on X Factor, what would you perform as a duet? I mean, it's tough. It's tough. I think personally if you'd have asked me six months ago I'd have probably gone with something like just the two of us nice I like that but I think this year based on sort of tease me tease me I think there's only really one option that we'd be able to pull off I'm already on the same level do you know what I mean like you love to get your kit off Sam is ripped to shit these days we like a body of water yeah yeah like you know he's got abs of steel the guy don't actually have abs yet No, you do, Sam.

21:00You do, Sam. You do. You've got lovely abs. I think we'd have to do a little... A little Peter Andre number.

21:11Whoa, mysterious girl. I want your body next to mine. Come on, movie body. Come on, movie body. I doubt you look so fine. I think you'd have to be Peter Andre. Okay, that's fine. So I'll do the rap. Whoa, whoa. Mysterious girl I think before we do mysterious girl you have to learn how to say mysterious Mysterious, no I've had this problem before So the problem is it's mysterious and what you're doing is Mysterious girl What you're saying is mysterious and I don't know who mysterious is I feel like he may have taught you at school but it's mysterious not mysterious Mysterious girl So try it again, sing it Whoa Mysterious girl Mysterious.

21:58No. No. Mysterious girl. No, it's not Mr. Is. Mr. Is isn't here. Whoa.

22:09Mysterious. Mysterious girl. Yeah, there you go. And now try it quicker without thinking. Whoa. Mysterious girl. No, wait. Sorry, someone sing it to me because this doesn't seem right. All together now. Whoa. Mysterious girl Fuck! Okay. Mysterious girl Fucking hell, yeah. There we go. Move your body close to mine Come on, rub it.

22:39I don't remember in the original lyrics, come on, rub it. I may be wrong. I may be wrong. We may have to fact check. I'm just having a look. Annalise has been on Google. and so the lyrics don't say, come on, rub it. Just want to, are we sure? So I just want to point out what you've just sung, which is a song that everyone knows, Mysterious Girl, but you've asked Mr Rios to rub it.

23:09But that's what we do. Pete and Andre, living legend. Absolute living legend. Right, Pete, this next one's fucking mammoth. Okay, I'm now out of things on the thing, so I presume. This is fucking huge. Buckle in. Yeah, buckle. No, physically buckle. What? Do your seatbelt up. Just do your seatbelt up. Okay, great. He's buckled in. Loads. And I'm talking about hundreds, maybe even thousands of our listeners are wanting to know, are you Team Conrad or Team Jeremiah? What? You Team Conrad or Jeremiah? Who the fuck's Conrad and Jeremiah? You know, don't pretend. The summer I turn pretty. Is this the summer you turn pretty?

23:56No, the summer I turn pretty. Belly, main debate, which boy she's going to go for. Conrad, Jeremiah, go. Whose belly do I prefer? No, no, belly is the girl. Someone's called belly? Yeah. Well, who's her father, Elbow? No, no, she's just called belly, and there's a huge debate going on online. Don't pretend you haven't seen it, debating which boy she will go for. And there's teams. Based on who? Team Conrad, Team Jeremiah. There's a little spoiler alert here, but I'm going to give you a little bit of backstory here. Oh, yeah. No, please. I'm so glad I buckled in. Okay, so Conrad or Jeremiah. Jeremiah's cheated on Belly.

24:34Conrad hasn't slept with anyone since Belly. Who the fuck calls their kid Belly? And Conrad is deeply in love with Belly. But Conrad is emotionally closed off. Jeremiah is in debt. Conrad is her first love. Jeremiah's more lighthearted. Team Conrad or Team Jeremiah. Pick fucking wisely. So one of them's skint. Yeah, Jeremiah's in debt. One of them's cheated on. Is that the same one that's cheated? Yeah, Jeremiah has cheated on his skin. That's not looking good for him, is it? But it's more like Hazard. Okay, so let me get this right. So he's disrespected her, he's skint, but he tells a joke. And the other one's deeply in love with her and emotionally available.

25:13Emotionally closed off. Oh, he's emotionally closed off. Why is he emotionally closed off? What sort of trauma has he previously dated navel? Well, Conrad is her first love. They've obviously been together before.

25:26What? Mate, this is something of millions of people. So her first love is Conrad, who is in love with her. Yeah. And he's not skin. No. But he loves the belly. He loves the belly, yeah. And they're brothers.

25:48I don't understand so so so is Belly a fella no no Conrad and Jeremiah are brothers oh I thought you meant Conrad and Belly are brothers well obviously she shouldn't choose him because this is like a a Edwards versus Jacob situation from Twilight like this is how big this has become millions of people across the world well who did belly pick last time edward or jacob well i mean she's picked both different times of her life i don't understand i'd pick edward Cornbread or Jeremiah I don't know What do you You had to pick You're just telling me names And then telling me facts About Like Like fucking Someone's skin Someone is Someone's got a brother Two boys and brothers Jacob's skin Jeremiah's skin Jeremiah also cheated on her Jeremiah's more light-hearted Conrad hasn't slept with anyone since Belly and Belly by the way is short for Isabel Isabel's a lovely name why would you call her Belly?

27:10I'd call her Belly well I'm not a friend so I call her Isabel Isabel is going to pick one of these boys alright I'm I'm I'm I don't think I've ever seen Pete Stumped before I'm Team Conrad Pete's Team Conrad Is that the right choice? No, there's no right choice, man. You're Team Conrad. Well, why are you Team Conrad? Tell us everything. Go. We're sad. We are sad. Well, because he manages finances better, which I think is, you know, a staple if you're looking to build a foundation of a strong relationship. Yeah. First love, and that's very difficult to get over, I imagine. He hasn't slept with anyone since Isabel, Isabel, which I think is amazing.

27:58He hasn't cheated on her. He's emotionally closed off at the minute, but I imagine because he's scared. Whereas the other fella blows all his money on shagging other birds by the sound of it. And I just don't think that's a great idea. He's more light-hearted. He's more light-hearted. You can't laugh. I haven't forgotten about it. Do you know what I mean? He'll still be there because when they have kids, He'll be sort of the light-hearted Uncle Jeremy, whatever his name is. And now that Edward and Jacob are at the picture, then I think it's Conrad. She's played around. She's had enough. Now go for the stable man who genuinely loves her and she can work on breaking down his walls.

28:43I think I'm Team Jeremiah. No. No. I'm not Team Jeremiah. I think you're just going wherever the crowd go. I'm also team Conrad. Team Conrad. Well, be your own man. Why? Are you sort of like gatekeeping Conrad now? Well, I'm just... I don't know. You know, you didn't initially want him, so... I do want him now. I want Conrad. Well, Conrad's off the table. He's with Isabel. Are you now going to watch The Summer I'd Turn Pretty after this? Am I fucked, Sam? Am I fucked going to watch this? It sounds fucking awful. It's like SR Today all over again. I'm trying to give a fuck. I couldn't give a shit.

29:28They're fictional characters, and one of them's called Fucking Belly. I couldn't think of anything worse. Anything worse. Who the fuck is watching this? Millions. Well, millions of you are fucking stupid. Are we done? One more question. If you were dating someone three months in, found out they'd been hiding there as superfan, would you end it?

29:51I mean regardless of that question when I get to three months I end it anyway thank you so much for listening to Staying Relevant the bonus episode of me Sam Thompson and Peter James Jonathan Joseph Wicks what a day ta-da we love you so much thank you for listening oh that was brilliant that is so good this has been a Staying Relevant production

30:46Cologuard.com diagonal prueba. La prueba ColoGuard está diseñada para detectar el cáncer colorectal en adultos de 45 años o más, con un riesgo promedio. Visita coloGuard.com diagonal prueba para obtener más información solo con receta médica. Hacerte la prueba es un acto de amor por ti y por tu familia. Hi, I'm Nick, co-host of The Best One Yet. You optimize your workouts, your portfolios, and that rando startup idea that hit you in the middle of the shower. But if you're not hydrated, you're already playing ketchup. So we keep a stash of Liquid IV in our studio. One stick mixed into 16 ounces of water is clinically demonstrated to hydrate faster than water alone with three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink, plus eight vitamins and nutrients.

31:26Whether you're traveling, exercising, or podcasting, the best business news ever. Liquid IV makes it easy to stay hydrated wherever life takes you. So shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV hydration that goes wherever life takes you. So you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is. But what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one? We'll see how extendable this extendable table really is. And extra chairs are on the way.

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32:34RX only. To stay informed about serious side effects, go to roe.co slash safety. Hello Relevanters! We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog Marry Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin, we don't know yet, we're sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, genie. I don't know, I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.