The Staying Relevant Book is OUT!!!

0:00Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

0:37You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc.

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2:38Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit today. That's joinmidi.com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by Sam Thompson and Pete Wicks and Pippa Morgan of Group 6. No one wants to be Group 6. This episode will contain swearing. If you don't like it, go f*** yourself. Won't be drinking alcohol. Haven't done for a while, but feel like I probably need to. This is the bonus episode. Do you have a shot? No, this is the bonus episode, which is Thursday. You'll be able to watch this on Sunday on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel and then Monday's episode, which came out audibly, you'll be able to watch now on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel as of 5pm yesterday.

3:21Remember to rate, review, subscribe, do all of that crap. To feature in the bonus episode, then email hello at srproductions.co.uk and make sure you start your email by telling us which group you're in. That's such a really good point. Start the emails being like, Hi, this is Peter, group seven or group three, writing in. And I think that would be a really nice start to the message. It's official. The book is out. The book is out. Come on. We can't wait to hear what you guys think of it. Make sure you DM and email us some book reviews and reactions. Because, well, because Sam will read them. I can't wait.

3:59You let us know what you think. Because we've poured our heart and souls into those things. I mean, yeah. We were aiming for a Sunday Times bestseller. Yeah.

4:10We've got Sunday Times bestseller. we won't know yet I don't think as of this because it's after that sort of week but that's what we were aiming for so make sure you keep your eye on the Sunday Times bestseller list and if we don't make it let's know if we can fucking make that that's hilarious if a couple of can make the Sunday Times bestseller list then we are we're flying we yeah I mean listen it would be a fabulous end to the year for us obviously we have the live book shows which are fast approaching do you know you know obviously about these I do. You've had such a, you know, a huge involvement.

4:46What are you expecting? What can people expect? People expect sort of giggles, chortles and laughs. They can expect high energy, quite a nice little Q &A actually as well. You know, I think you're going to be able to get into the weeds of myself and Peter. You know, this isn't one of our live shows like at the Apollo or the O2. This is more of an intimate, I would say, setting. And just let everyone know where we're going to be, what dates and what times. So we're going to be in Birmingham on one of the dates. Which date? No, no, it's not there. No, no, no, which dates? So let people know what the tour is.

5:23So the tour is an intimate sit-in, a night with, if you will. So we're going to be doing from the Thursday when it starts to the Sunday, let them know what the schedule is. We're doing Thursday, Sunday? Just let them know what the schedule is. Right, so what we're doing is we're going for - Thursday night. Thursday night, Birmingham. No. Sheffield. No. Liverpool. No. Manchester. No. Where the fuck are we on fucking Thursdays? London, HMV. Oh. We're in HMV. Oh, we're doing a signing. Yes, it's part of the book tour. Is HMV still around? Well, I hope so, although it's going to be weird for us to be looking around London for it.

5:59HMV. We're doing... That's sick. We're doing a signing. We're doing a couple. Yeah, so the first is London on the Thursday night where we'll be doing a signing. Then what's happening Friday? Signing. Nope. Friday is Birmingham. Nope. Friday is Manchester. Nope. Friday is... What the fuck are we doing? Keep going. Liverpool. Friday is Liverpool. We're all the way up to Scouseland on Friday. Oh, what a welcome reception you're going to have. There are still tickets available. Well, hopefully at the time of... Because we're recording this a little bit before because we're off to Vegas. Hopefully there won't be.

6:38So, yeah, we'll be in Liverpool on Friday night. then what's happening after that then we're in Manchester for what for a live audience with nope for a live signing you can't pre-record a signing for a book signing yes so we're in Liverpool for an audience with and then then Manchester for a signing then we're in Birmingham for a signing and live and then Sunday home yes nice fuck that's intense well done so you're gonna be fucked This will be the first time that you have done a signing. Mate, give me the ropes, man. Show me what happens. Because you had a wetter last time, didn't you? You had a squirter.

7:23Didn't someone pee themselves? Yes. Someone peed themselves last time Pete did it. Oh, no, that's legit. No, no, no, no, no. No, not the last time. I used to do a lot of signings and a lot of tours for calendar signings. And I've done book signings and shit before. and I've had fainters, I've had people who have wet themselves and stuff. Oh my God. Give me a squirter. I would love a moaning squirtle. Sorry, no, moaning myrtle was from Harry Potter, but it sounded so ropey just then. So yeah, I mean - Do you think they'll do that with us? No. Do you think anyone will pass out? No. Do you think anyone will hug us?

7:59Well, this is an issue, is that we are, it's very strict timeframes on this. Right, okay. and yes you'll be signed a book and we get to meet everyone which is wonderful I don't know how you're going to cope why? it's very overwhelming and it's quite intense in a good way? yeah how many people normally turn up? it depends I mean it depends this is limited numbers so how many is that? so I think we've limited a certain amount for each of the signings and then obviously you know obviously the evening we've limited to capacities of venues But the Evening With, I mean, you went to an Evening With on my book last year.

8:38Yeah, I did. It was very intimate, very lovely. Yeah, this is going to be slightly different because that was obviously a different type of book. I mean, you obviously came because you were sort of a part of it and then left. No, no, no, not fair. Not fair. But factual? This year, there's going to be different parts of the whole thing. Didn't I ruin something last time for you? Yeah. What did I do? You were a surprise. But you announced yourself. You announced yourself. Me went, oh, yeah, my best friend Sal went, whoa, go Pete. Anyway, you were the surprise. Yeah, so that was nice. But anyway, look, effectively, this is a tour.

9:19It's a short tour. And obviously, we went on tour last year. Are we going to get a tour bus? We haven't done a tour for a good number of months now. Obviously, the O2 was a one-night-only thing. there is no tour bus okay that's disappointing yeah I mean I'm disappointed we're getting the train oh that'll be fun

9:46we'll be getting the train how do you feel well do you know what to be fair quite fun because I know you like to sort of plug in your headphones and stuff but you're going to struggle a little bit on the train when I'm going Pete Wicks is over here in carriage number 11 I won't struggle because I'm going to knock you the fuck out. Well, you never know. Yeah, I mean, look, being on tour together again, what I will say is this... Back in the game. What I will say is this is going to be Pippa's first tour with us. Yeah, you're fucked. You're genuinely fucked. Why do you say this? Because we're landing from Vegas and going straight on tour.

10:19So for everyone listening, we are going to Vegas for a week. I imagine it's going to be pretty wild. And by the way, you're going to be brought along the journey with us. so we're documenting a lot of it. Not physically. And yeah, not physically. And then we land. Bit like Sam at the Monday meeting in spirit. In spirit. And then we land and go straight to the book tour. So that is me and Pete together for two solid weeks, which I don't think we've ever done before. We've actually never done two weeks together, especially a trip away as well to somewhere like Vegas. And Pippa has to watch the entire thing.

10:50For two weeks, today is the first day of that. Oh my God, it is. Because tomorrow we go. I have a whole day with him today doing this pod and in the office. Then we go on to a photo shoot. Tomorrow we go to Vegas. Then I have Vegas with him. Then I come back. Then I go on tour with him. Then I'm having time off. It's booked in. For the first time in I don't even know how long, I've specifically got time away based on the fact that the pre to that is two weeks for a day. and I just already know I'm going to need it. It's going to be so fucking fun. I can't, I am so excited. The energy that I'm going to feel, like that I just want to like just, oh, mate.

11:36I mean, are you excited about kind of being on the road again? I can't wait. I cannot wait. We've got, we've got, we've got a real special couple of weeks coming up because Vegas as well, mate, is going to be pretty fucking great. Yeah. You sound a little bit more excited. Yeah, I mean, you know, Vegas is one of my favourite places, so I am genuinely quite excited about it. It's going to be fucking big. I cannot, I cannot wait. Read your iPad. Okay. Ah.

12:07Oh, hello. So, last week we discussed something that's very close to my heart that if you've been listening to Pod for a while, you'll know, was a very big deal. It actually happened. Pete Wicks went to Harry Potter Studios, a day we never thought we would see. Warner Brothers The Tour, the making of Harry Potter. It was everything I wanted and more. He wore a robe. He had a wand. He wrote a broomstick. He had a wig. Now, look, he was wearing a sliver and robe, and the wig was a Ron Weasley ginger number, but it didn't matter. He was up for everything. I just want to tell you one thing. I'm really proud of Pete.

12:46We're going to dive into it now, but I'm so proud of you. You threw yourself into that evening and it meant so much to me. How did you find it? Well, so, yeah, I mean, look, it was a cold Thursday evening in Watford. It was cold. I arrived before Sam. I was taken to a room. I was given a cloak, a wig and a wand.

13:15I was then walked around an exceptionally large area filled with unnecessary pointless crap the people were very lovely and if you are a Harry Potter fan you should go I am not a Harry Potter fan highlights for me taking the wig off because it was very itchy leaving low points for me in the first room I don't know what you're going to say two people came running at me with twigs and masks expecting some sort of jewel I didn't know what to do no one informed me this was going to happen it took me by surprise I wanted to hurt them he squared up to one of the death eaters what are they called? death eaters I didn't know it was coming either to be fair we were having a really lovely photo in the great hall and one of the side doors opened and these two death eaters came flying out of nowhere they weren't flying running out of nowhere they were sort of running weirdly out of nowhere waving wands Sam just told me to fight them I assumed he meant hurt someone squared up to them what he meant was do some sort of pose with my twig and say expedi fuck off or something I don't know expedi armus yeah whatever the whole evening is a blur you look so baffled for so much of the tour well and by the way also lovely girl I believe her name was Maisie, who was supposed to be giving the tour.

15:12Didn't speak. And it was unfortunate because I'm sure she had an awful lot to say. Didn't get a chance. Because Sam took it upon himself to give the guided tour. Through every different bit. What I did learn about Harry Potter is that I like the big hairy bloke. Hagrid. Because he had a dog. Called Fang. Called Fang. And I got to see some of the rescue dogs they used for that. and they were Italian Mastiffs like Theo. Loved that. At that point, again, for me, the broomstick in the green screen. Oh, it was brilliant. Never have I had to hold my tongue

15:57and as much as having a young man scream at me to touch the Thames as I fly by.

16:10watch out for the double decker buses lean to the left to go around the corner and then look at a golden shuttlecock for a picture it was a low point not just of the night but of my life in all honesty look they were really lovely people it is an amazing kind of place and if you love Harry Potter it was fucking great I did it for Sam's benefit but it was as bad as I thought it would be in terms of my enjoyment level. I had the best fucking time ever. It was so fun. They gave us a tour where it was basically empty. They closed it for us at the very end of the day. And so we were the last people to go around, which was so cool.

17:00And you're right, Maisie, didn't really get a word. I was just so excited. I just wanted to explain to you what everything was. Yeah, I mean, there was lots of things. did it make me want to see Harry Potter? Yes, absolutely not. No, it did. You met Buckbeak? Yeah, I met Fuckface. I thought it was a person. It was a bird goat or something. No, it was a hippogriff. A what? Hippogriff. Yeah, it was a hippo, which you imagine would be like a cross between a hippo and a, what was it, a griffin. But it wasn't. It was a horse and a sort of a dove or something. So it should have been called a dorse. One of my favourite things is that if you've been to Harry Potter World, you'll know this there's a at the outside sort of next to the night bus and Privet Drive there's Hagrid's bike motorcycle you can take a photo of it there's a side carriage riding thing Pete was in the side carriage and a one of the last it's called a sidecar a sidecar one of the one of the one of the last people coming round turned around and went oh fuck me look at that waxwork and it was Pete in the sidecar that was one of my high points he literally looked at the point and went fuck me that waxwork moved

18:10because pete was just sat so still and so miserable he thought he was fake i mean at this point it was about 10 o 'clock at night it was we were outside i'd been wearing a wig for three hours um it was just a lot going on and and yeah someone thought it was a waxwork which is i mean so funny just it was just the whole thing but look listen it was for your birthday And you put everything into that, by the way. I've got to say. I offered to buy Sam anything he wanted from the gift shop as a sort of birthday present. His response was, I've got it all. I do. I've got too many wands. First world problems.

18:50Yeah, too many wands. Did you enjoy yourself? I had the best. I had the best time. Because the lore and the history of it all is so fucking great. And the way they filmed it. It's such a beautiful world. that it means so much to me. It was really nice to share that with you and for you to not take the piss too much because Pete didn't actually take the piss too much. I could see he was gritting his teeth and he wasn't the happiest man in the world. He went for, there was a smoking area outside that I think he'd been waiting for a few hours to go and see. He drained about three in a row real, real fucking quick.

19:24And there was one other lady out there as well. I think she was taking her kids and they both just stood next to each other sort of like in homage or in solidarity, sorry, just draining. but it was mate I really appreciate because Pete actually really fucking tried now do you know what every time that Pete had a little bit of a go I'd tap my birthday boy badge which I got given and uh and it was kind of like Pete knowing that he had to sort of like you know go with it I mean what I will say you know it would be wrong for me to say that I loved it because that would be fake but what I will say is it is an amazing place there are loads of amazing things there and if you love Harry Potter it is it is great and the staff and everyone were really really lovely so thank you for uh allowing us to come down well no before we move on should we should we just take a look um we've had them printed out now p and i feel like we should probably just take a look at our photos from the broomstick experience josh bring them in i cannot wait for this so these the and these things that they're similar to to these photos are similar to what you get when you go on like a roller coaster.

20:26Let's start with Sam who has got his birthday boy badge on and his little robe and his cool boy back to front because he'd be the rebel of the school with his hat cap back to front. He's chasing a big golden ball. It's nice but look very happy there. I must say it doesn't because you can't see it's a broomstick it looks like he's riding a large pepperoni. Oh, my God. Look, my photo, there's nothing to discuss, really. I'm happy to be there. You know, I'm sort of, I'm smiling. I'm waving my wand. So that's that. What I will say before we move on is that Pippa obviously loved it as well. She's now riding the giant.

21:10Is Pippa in this? Yeah, I've got Pippa's here. She's now riding the giant pepper army. But she's a little bit more of a skilled fake broomstick flyer because she's gone one-handed. so she's gone with a one hand in the air a little bit like she's you know riding a fucking bronco you know old cowgirl there so they had a lovely time they look they look exceptionally happy my favorite is uh it's not this one but this is it's up there uh our first photo of pete makes you want to cry um it's so pretty it's so beautiful uh he's smiling whilst wearing his wig and pointing his wand. And you look content.

21:51I wasn't. You're really trying. Well, I didn't really understand because the bloke went to me and then look up at what's the fucking golden ball? Yeah. I don't know what that was. So I had to look up and he said, wave the fucking wand whilst holding the stick. I don't know why I had to hold the stick. It weren't moving. It don't move. But the whole thing was just a mental... It was like an out-of-body experience. Wait, the last photo. But then everyone, like, because I was today, he was like, we smiled then. I was ordered to smile by a young man whilst I rode his broomstick, which is a sentence I never thought I'd say.

22:31The last photo is my favourite by an absolute mile. The sweet, the sweet release of defeat in Pete's face. I mean, the problem that I have is I don't understand the wig. I'm supposed to be the ginger bloke. Yeah? Yeah, Ron. You look so defeated in that photo. It's so good. We're going to put these on the Instagram, so you have to look. You are going to die. Honestly, this last photo of Pete, I'm going to show you the camera, is one of my favorite photos ever taken on this planet. The emotions that I can see in your face there whilst you're trying to force a smile. That's just fucking brilliant.

23:15Look, happy birthday, mate. I had such a good time. Thank you. Until next year. Oh, God, what are we going to do next year? I don't know. Hopefully I won't be around. Bloody hell, maybe Narnia or something. What the fuck's that? Or we got Harry Potter World and Universal in LA. Hey, no. No, we could do that. Is it Universal or is it Warner World? I don't know. Right, let's move on. Emails. Right, moving on. Hello, Sam, Pete, and the other relevant people. On my way home from London yesterday, I had music blaring in my ear, blaring in my eardrums through my cheap fake wired headphones when I overheard two men having a conversation.

23:52I generally don't try and snoop into other people's conversations, but I became intrigued and slightly scared for my safety when they started talking about what they call their cocks. I heard schlong commander and watched as they stared at my red whimpering face, leaving the tube to their destinations. I immediately let out my trap laughter and pulled my phone out and became fixated upon nicknames for dicks. Upon viewing the AI generated list on which the first nickname was One-Eyed Wonder Weasel, all I could think was the utter disgust Pete would have written all over his face. And maybe because Pete takes the tube so often, he has overheard a similar conversation.

24:29So my question to you, Peter, which out of the five dick names below would you rename your penis? Brilliant question. Number one, Wiggle Wand. Number two, Trouser Snake. Number three, Captain Winky. Number four, Spam Javelin. Number five, Meat Saber. Godspeed, Reuben. It's a great email, that. That's a really good fucking email from Reuben.

25:07Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

25:44You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc.

26:27Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed, but we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties.

27:07So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C, ZocDoc. Hey y 'all, Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. You know my favorite compliment during the holidays? your house feels so cozy. That's when I know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes, grab more dessert, and stay a little longer. Wayfair makes it easy with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials all in one place. So whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend, everyone feels right at home.

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27:57well i think to be honest i talk about harry potter again as you i just i mean this is we did an interview this morning all right for a publication that's coming out or the seminar will front cover and it's you know an in-depth conversation about the pod and the book and the production company and what we both said in that was we are so pleased to have a family in a community of people. So proud. So proud. An hour later, I'm reading out what's your favourite name for your dick? If I'm going to be honest with you, if I thought you... I think you... Well, let's start with your favourite out of the five.

28:33So you've got a choice of Wiggle Wand, Trouser Snake, Captain Winky, Spam Javelin, or Meat Saber. Captain Winky. I think for me. Or I'd call mine Captain Winkle Stein. The third. Yeah, Captain Winkle Stein at your service. Would you salute it? Or Wilson? Wilson the Willie. Wilson the Willie. Right. What Sam's done there is pretend that he's just thought about it. And what he's actually done is just told you what he actually calls his penis. So. I don't have a name. Oh, fuck off. I know. It'll come tonight and go, Pete, Wilson wants to say hello. Hello, Wilson. Yours is definitely meatsaber. Oh, it's just fucking criminal, isn't it?

29:14No, but come on. Spam javelin. I can't imagine you saying that. Can you imagine me saying any of these? Yeah, I can see, generally, I can see you being like, get your hand around my meat saber. In what context? Like, am I trying to be sexy there? Or if you're like, oh, that hit me right in the meat saber. What? That hit me right in the meat saber. I just don't understand. The nickname, people don't actually have nicknames for their cocks, though. Not seriously. I don't think so. I agree with you on this one. Not to see you. Josh? I've never named my penis. No. Anyone's boyfriends name their penises?

29:47No. We're not asking the ladies. Okay. Have you ever named any of those venuses? We're not asked for the love of God, man. One of Pippa's friends names her vagina a, what is it? A flower? A Mary. A Mary. She calls it a Mary.

30:07Oh, yes. She calls it a Mary. She'll be thrilled it's made it to the pod. Well, meaty Mary. Oh, my God. So girls do actually have names for their privates as well, which is, she's literally like, well, yeah, I didn't want it anywhere near my Mary. You get Captain Winky away from Mary. Yeah, well, this is the point. And the way she says it as well, she's literally like, oh, I don't know if my Mary wants, you know. Is this what she said to you? I don't know if my Mary wants that. No. Is this during the single time? No. The dark times? Bippa, give me an example of when Mary might have been used and you've got to do the accent.

30:45she's northern she's northern no because i'll just offend so vague northern she's above she'll be like oh go on gotta do it tonight better get me mary ready oh yes gonna get me mary ready she basically came she was in um she was in town once when sam and i were still working at hits radio and she swung by because i thought they would get on quite well and they did um probably they just talk about similar sort of stuff and she's quite an open book so sam and your friend Mary and Wilson no her name's not Mary but I won't reveal her name no I know yeah and flower sometimes yeah she'd call her flower Mary flower no she'd call one or the other oh one or the other yeah so people do but women call their private names as well me Mary me flower me Julie yeah I don't get it I mean if I if I what do you think I would choose out of that I think you'd use meatsaber or spam javelin no because it makes me feel sick I'll be honest with you I mean, they're the most aggressive sounding.

31:46If I had to pick one, it would just be like a standard trouser snake or something. Because it's... You know what I mean? Wiggle wand is not me. Captain Winky is not me. Spam javelin is just fucking horrendous. And meat sabre is... Like, you put a spam javelin in a pork pocket. What's a pork pocket? Mary. Oh, right. Would you ever call it like a flower or like, oh, my beans, my beans and sausage, sausage and beans? No. My bangers and mash? No, no. No? It's your fucking cock and your bollocks. Or your bobby, your two bobbies. Two bobbies? Two policemen. What? Two policemen. You never heard that one?

32:33No, because it's not real. Just two police hats. Yeah. You want to get that looked at Meat and two veg Yeah I mean I've heard that one Toad in the hole Gonads Yeah but that's just nuts These are just They're not nicknames Oh right okay You see what I mean Yeah Like nickname is Let's move on Thanks Ruben Fuck me That was a fucking well thought out email To be fair as well We've got questions though These are I hope these questions are as good as Ruben's email Here we go So, question time. Question number one. Presuming you guys have seen all about the Louvre heist, which I have, and the robbers getting caught after a week, please can Sam and Pete both explain how they'd carry out the heist?

33:25This is jokes. So I stay away from fucking press and news and stuff. I heard about it. So the Louvre was a heist fucking thing. I don't know the details. People love it. What? People love the heist. They're romanticising it massively because we live in an age now, and I agree with this in part, we live in an age where, you know... I don't know where this is going. When Sam starts a conversation with we live in an age, there's just so many places this could go. We live in an age now where we're surrounded by AI and CCTV anywhere and robots and all that kind of shit. You just don't think you can have an old-fashioned heist.

34:00So what did they half inch do? Mate, they took the fucking crown jewels. The crown... They took the crown jewels. the sorry the what not the British crown jewel no the French crown jewel I was going to say because the crown jewels they wouldn't be in fucking France no um oh did they yeah what they actually got away with it mate they got away with it they used well not anymore they used the only bit of the Louvre that was not covered by cameras and they got a wrecking ball didn't they smashed in one of the walls nice fucking old fashioned Ocean's Eleven heist mate and everyone on TikTok is just being like my guys.

34:36It's not really an Ocean's because it was quite smart the way they did it. That's a smash and grab. Yeah, smash and grab. On a big scale, but that's a smash and grab. You've got to know the parameters and stuff. They probably got blueprints out. They would have probably, like old school, they would have got a table out, whacked the blueprints on the table and gone, alright lads, here we go. You are literally just talking about Ocean's 11, aren't you? Whilst twizzling a moustache. They definitely would have been like a British guy coming in and be like, alright lads, got a job for you. Well, you normally have within a heist, it's a team thing.

35:05It is It's not a one-person thing, isn't it? So you would have a team and there'll be months of planning. Demolitions guy. This is if films are anything to go by. I personally have not been part of a heist myself. Oh, we would love a heist. So let's all just imagine, staying relevant, we're going to perform a heist, all right? We all have an idea. Me and you in boiler suits. We all have an idea of you get different characters within a heist. Where do you think you would sit in terms of character other than boiler suit. Escape driver, the getaway driver. So you've got the least responsibility, really.

35:42If it doesn't work, you're gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, not picking you up. If it works, you're gone. Your point is where do I park and how far shall I go? Other than that, that's your only... Electrics. Head of electrics. Head, right. So again, when I say the kind of characters within a heist and you have seen the films, It's not a company. Yeah. You know, they're not a house company where you are the CEO of Electrics, right? It's just like, so you're the spark, yeah? Yeah. I mean, the guy who puts the lights out. There's no alarms ringing with me because I've cut one of the wires. Oh, right. I'm on the roof going...

36:19So you're going to deal with, and that person would generally deal with cameras, lights, fucking the electronics, all of that sort of stuff, the technology side of stuff. Head attack. It's not a company. It's not Apple, all right? So that's what your role would be. What do you think Pippa's role would be? Well, heist planner. Pippa would be the person with the blueprints, pulling them out, being like, right, guys, you're going in through that entrance, that exit. No, Pete's head of weaponry. Pete's head of weaponry. Okay, I don't know where the head of... Pete's head of weaponry. I don't remember watching Ocean's Eleven and then going, right, Brad, your head of looking good.

36:57I have a vision in my head now of the heist going wrong, me and Pete stood in boiler suits with like masks on going, well, you're fucking head of weapons, mate. Fire something. The lights are still on, Sam. Wave to the camera. You didn't, you cut the wrong wire.

37:20Yeah, let's, let's, I mean, it would be interesting. Head of weapon, mate. So very, very clever. Listen, the perfect crime, when you look at fucking shows and films and stuff and you see the oceans 11, 12 and fucking 13 and 15 and 19 and however many of them there are. They're very clever the way they do it. And it's very good because you get to see the outside of it. I really like, and this is how I would kind of do it by the sounds of it, a smash and grab. Smash and grab, yeah. You know what I mean? Let's go fucking. Let's not fucking about, all right? Let's just fucking get in, get out. Couple of AK-47s.

37:51What is your fascination with the weapons? We don't want to use them, but you don't want to stick people up. Okay, so you've gone from a heist to just armed robbery. All right? Heists are generally, they're slightly more well thought out. What you've gone with is, and this is why you're not head of planning, is let's get some guns and stick them up. Stick them up. All right? How does that? Nobody move! That's not a heist, is it? That's not a heist. That's just armed robbery. The worst thing is that if I went, nobody move and someone started edging towards the alarm, obviously I wouldn't have the nuts to shoot him.

38:28So I'd be like, Pete, I don't know what to do. And I'd probably say your name. Well, that's exactly it. Pete Wicks, Pete, Jonathan, Joseph, Jeremiah Wicks, shoot him. He's moving. I don't know what to do. Fuck us on a heist would be amazing. So let's imagine, because ideally with a heist, what you want to do is you don't want casualties. That's the whole point of a heist. Otherwise it's just armed robbery. Probably take a hostage. So there you go. Now we're into hostages. What do you think you would like to steal? Oh, I'd love to do the crown jewels in the UK. Excellent. I'd love to do them. Where are they kept?

39:03Tower of London. So how would you get into the Tower of London? Well, there'd have to be schematics. How do you see your entry and your exit? Let's just go for that. Let's not worry about in there because we don't know the insides. What do you see your entry to the Tower of London and your exit from the Tower of London? Well, talking about the insides, I'd probably get the schematics out and I'd, you know, whack them all on the table, get the blueprints, you know, sort of look at my best point of entry. But the way I see it... Do your ears work? Yeah, but I was about to say, the way I see it is I come in on a chopper, right?

39:33So the helicopter, which again, which is good, it's subtle, quiet, no one will notice. No one will notice the helicopter hovering above the fucking Tower of London and then a little fucking man in a boiler suit climbing down a rope. No, I'd jump. jump well no because you'd have your invisibility cloak on i'd jump i would just jump out with a parachute and i'd glide so no one will see the big parachute gliding into tower london um at night at night time of course yeah yeah so you won't see where you're going and we'll hit the tens and then then in my head i've got you on the roof opposite you've just cut a couple of wires yourself i'm on the roof opposite yeah i'm still in the tower london yeah so how have i got there Is that a separate chopper?

40:19You've scaled it. So there's two... No, you've scaled it. So I've climbed the Tower of London. And I've dived on. And you've dived on from a helicopter. Yeah. Going on. All right. And then you've dived out. Hit there. I'm just... Out of breath because I've scaled the side of it. Yeah. Like spider ****. Yeah. Right? Parkour. Then you've cut a couple of wires. Cameras are out. So I've cut the couple of wires because at the Tower of London and the camera's outside, all the wires are just hanging out. Yeah. So you can just get to the wire and you're all snip, snip. All right, that's everything out here.

40:53This is good. No one can see us now. I've now drilled a hole in the ceiling. You've drilled a hole with the power drill that you've jumped from the helicopter with. Drilled a hole in the ceiling. In the ceiling. So the fucking heavy duty brickwork that they use to do the Tower of London. I'm not going to get through my drill. Not going to get through your drill. How are you going to fit in the drill hole? Because I will then cut a square. So you've now got a stone cutter. So you've come in, so you've jumped in from the helicopter with your great big bag of power tools. You've drilled a hole just to have a little look.

41:30Then you've thought, no, I'll get the stone cutter out, which you could have done without the drill. So you've cut through the stone. I've then gone through the ceiling. So you've gone through the ceiling. I'm at this point still catching my breath. No, you've now gone down. How have I got there? You've climbed back down. So I climbed up to wave. I then climbed back down. To make sure everything's kosher. Okay. So I'd just like to have a view of how you're getting on. Yeah, but you've cut the wires up there as well. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot. I went up there and I cut the open wires to all of the cameras.

41:58So now there's no cameras in town. Yeah, exactly. So now we're a bit more free to do what we want. Yeah, listen. I'm in there. Take your time now. I'm in there. You're in there. Imagine there's a few lasers kicking about. It's impossible to go by. But I forgot to cut that wire. So I've climbed back up. No, no, no. You haven't. No, see, this is where you're wrong. Oh, shit. No, you've got the weapons. So you've literally gone into your bag, pulled out a couple of weapons. Yeah. You then kick the door open. You're causing a scene at the front, right? You're literally going, everybody, this is a robbery.

42:29So, okay, so... I'm not finished yet. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just letting people know... Because I'm now slinking around whilst everyone's rushed to the front. So what you're going with technique-wise is I've climbed up. Diversion. Yeah, exactly. I've climbed up. I've snipped the wires to make it easy for you and your stone cutter and your power drill and everything to go through. I'm then going to go to the front and go, Oi, Oi, Oi. Just kick the door in because it's just, Tower of London, it's just like a shed door. Just kick it through. A couple of AKs on either arm. Got a couple of AKs and I'm going, I'm robbing you.

43:00It's me robbing you. This is a robbery. Stick them up. Stick them up, bitches. At this point, you're through the hole. You're dealing with the lasers. How are you dealing with that though? Because I'm now distracting everyone at the front. Old school Mission Impossible vibes. Like, just fucking. You're going to get Tom Cruise? No, but I'm just gliding through him. That's fine. That's not an issue. Just gliding through the lasers. Then what I've got is I've got a speedboat waiting on the Thames. And I get the jewels, jump on the speedboat, then I'm into the sewers. Then I'm into the sewers. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

43:30Then I'm into the sewers. I don't want to pull your heist apart because it seems to be going swimmingly. So you've glided through the lasers. You've got the crown jewels. and then what you've done is you've just teleported to your speedboat. Yeah, which is on the other side. I've dived out of a window. Right, so you've dived out the window. Into the Thames. No one's there at this point. No, because they're all looking at you. Well, they're not just looking at me, are they? At this point, I've been shot. I've been shot by SWAT team, all right? So I'm lying dead on the floor at the front door of the Tower of London, which I've kicked in.

44:06And at this point, because the instructions there... You put up a fight, though. I'm going to take a few people down with me but I am shot dead at the front door of the Tower of London and this gives you the opportunity to jump on your speedboat, you're speeding down the Thames, then you suddenly found yourself in a sewer, like Splinter from the Ninja Turtles and then I've got the schematics up of the sewer. You've got them because you jumped out the helicopter with them have you taken the power tools with you? No, I've left them and now I'm just all the way out to the Thames. Yeah, you're on the Thames.

44:42Sorry, I'm all the way up through the sewers, through London and then I'm out towards sort of Cornwall. Wherever the Whitecliffs to Dover are. Then I'm off to France. Well, the Whitecliffs to Dover, I'll tell you where they are, mate. Dover. Okay, Dover. Then I'm off to Dover and I'm off to France. Straight from Dover. Mate, I'm off to France. You've got the crown jewels. I'm going to go sell my jewels. You've got on a P &O to Calais. Right, so you're now in France and you are home free. At this point, that everyone's going wild at the fact that I've been shot dead at the front door of Tower of London.

45:10Then, once they've kind of just dragged my body out in the body bags, everyone going, there was an attempted heist. What they're going to realise is the crown jewels are gone. They're going to find a great big hole and a load of power drills on the floor. Shit, it was a diversion. I don't know how he glided through the lasers, but he did. Then they're going to find a speedboat dumped. All right? And then they're going to work it all out. And by that point, you're fucking gone because you're in Calais having a croissant. Yeah, exactly. Fucking right. I hope that answers your question. Thanks for listening to Staying Relevant, a podcast hosted by Pete Wicks and Sam Thompson.

45:42To feature in the podcast, make sure you email hello at srproductions.co.uk. Subscribe, follow to all of that sort of shit, and subscribe to us on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel. We'll be back next week with another wonderful story about how we would commit another crime. I really like this idea of how you get away with it. Not that I want to commit a crime, but I really like the idea of that. Quite fun.

46:33Thank you.

47:15This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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48:53Hello Relevanters! We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog, Marry, Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.