What if we were girls?!

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1:43So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Ready to be seen? Download the ZocDoc up today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C. ZocDoc. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the bonus episode hosted by two bestest of best pals. Now, if you're listening in the States, my name is Sam Thompson, and this is Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph, wait. I just feel like we've gone stateside. We haven't. You sure? yeah yeah quite sure this is the bonus episode which means it's Thursday that this has come out and you'll be able to watch this on Josh and Keira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Sunday Monday's main episode you can now watch on Josh and Keira's YouTube channel from 5pm as of last night which was Wednesday which means that you can catch us on a Monday Wednesday Thursday Sunday beautiful chorus there guys this episode will contain swearing if you don't like it go f*** yourself make sure you rate reviewed all of that sort of stuff follow us at staying relevant pod on socials subscribe on the YouTube vote for us on the Trick Awards that's all the housekeeping done oh apart from if you want to get in contact with us then email the worst email address in the world which Sam is about to tell you hello at srproductions.co.uk nicely done how did you feel saying it?

3:03I actually loved it I love it it's like hi guys it's a really approachable email address that I think really sort of encapsulates what we are as a company yeah approachable if you saw us in the street you'd come over and go, hi guys. But don't. We love a hug. We don't. Come in, actually arms already outstretched and just run at us. Don't do that. If you ever see us in the street, just run at us. Yeah. And you'll be running straight onto my fist. We have had emails. This one's from Tia. She goes, hey boys, saw Sam had a big weekend and sorted his fridge. Someone tell the man to calm down. Calm down.

3:40Can we get Pete's thoughts on the contents, please? Not that he's in a place to talk, I suppose. Well, then why do you want my thoughts to you? I think they're referencing your quite empty fridge. Yeah. Well, then why do you want my thoughts to you? Trying to be funny with your email? You weren't. I actually saw your fridge. Did you see it? Seen it. Did you see it then? No, I didn't care that much. But packed. I know. Packed full of stuff. Oh, I felt flipping great, man. I was literally, we had a whole drinks fridge. That is a packed, packed fridge. Baby bells. Have you managed to get strawberries, range of fruits, very well stocked, lots of dash waters.

4:20We know you love a dash. I do, I love a dash. I mean, very healthy. It is, do you know what? We've got mushrooms, got tomatoes, got loads of veg, some meat. Do you know what? It was a really cathartic thing. I loved stacking that fridge. You heard cathartic earlier on and that's your word of the day, isn't it? Cathartic's a nice word there. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, I've got a couple of questions. Firstly, how much of that have you got through over the weekend? Way too much. I didn't realize how much I flippin' ate. Yeah. I put it away. Spulking. I put it away. I snack on, I mean, look, cheese strings, baby bells, pepper armies are given, of course.

4:57You're going with all the processed crap in the fridge. Yeah. Lots of fresh fruits and stuff like that. What do we do with them? Kiwis. Smoothies in the morning? Yeah, smoothies, spinach smoothies in the morning. You and the missus making the smoothies and all that sort of stuff. amazing mates some greens in the morning so what I do want to know do you go and do a food shop I don't see you I mean I know we do the does Pete exist thing I don't see you walking around with a trolley because that's a trolley's worth that's not a basket no that's a big say no it's easy for me do you know what I mean like it's sort of six boxes of fags a packet of Cathedral City and some Cornettos I can fit that in a basket yeah you you've got a trolley there that's a family trolley I don't see you pushing a trolley around I presume do you order No, so what I normally do is I do a big shop in the big Saino's down the road from me.

5:44Like it's a big... Not the little one. No, the big one down the road. I know that one. That is a big Sainsbury's. I go and get a massive trolley. Terrible for parking. Terrible for parking. Really bad. And then you have to go on that escalator. Yes, you do. Yeah, nightmare. And although that's cool because the trolleys lock onto the escalator. Oh, that is cool. I've always liked that. Yeah, that was quite fun. I did like... So you do do a shop. I do a big shop. Do you now do that with the missus? We went over the weekend. I forget, I then order on delivery. So in the evenings, is it a case now, like, because you're in your kind of cooking era?

6:15Yeah, I am. With the missus, you know, what should we have for dinner? You see what we've got in the fridge or have you planned out meals for the week? Planned out meals for the week, yeah. Yeah, so tonight is steak night. You know, I love steak. Couple of steaks. Couple of steaks. Well, no, she can't eat a steak actually, to be fair. So I'll make her some pasta maybe or some salmon fillets. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice. In miso sauce. Oh, get in my belly. Oh, yeah, get in my belly. Yeah, oh. So that'll be nice. Yeah, yeah. that what I didn't see in there yeah I'm not my fridge no alcohol yet no booze we do have a bottle of vodka okay all right I'm a bottle of vodka but obviously your palate has changed yeah you know there's adult grown-up fridge I know you've got a section of the fridge that for wine are we keeping red wine in the house now we are absolutely yes couple of bottles of Malbec and Rioja couple of bottles yeah no of course yeah yeah and a couple of Petit Falou's as well of course though is you You know, you've got to keep up.

7:07I just went with adult there and you've gone with the children's yoghurt. Yeah, but mate, do you not like a Petit Falou? No, I'm not a big fan of yoghurt. A Petit Falou? No. Fucking hell. No. Wow, I'm shocked. I see you as still eating Froobes. I love Froobes. I had an argument with my nephew about Froobes once. And, you know, just whilst we're on the food thing, because I know you love a barbecue. Have we had a barbecue yet? No, but the garden's getting done soon. Oh. I had the landscape around. the landscaper in the garden is smaller than the studio yeah it is small it's a patio really no but there's nothing wrong with that by the way because you live in a beautiful house I'm just not sure a landscaper was needed that was the kind of thing it's not like you've got grounds we're getting plants oh okay yeah you know I love a plant yeah we're getting loads of plants around the garden as I said we're getting bees involved you're not getting bees yeah I am I told you I'm getting bees you're not stopping me getting bees getting bees the problem that I have with that is you know, you will get rid of them.

8:06I won't. It's like an, it's like a pet. You can't, you can't just have it for later summer. Okay, nice. All right. The barbecue is getting done probably in the next month and a half. There we go. We've discussed this fridge and we discussed barbecues and food. All right. I hope you're happy to hear. Next email. This is from Amy. Hey, Sam and Pete. Off the bank of a very low key bank holiday. I don't mean to brag, but I'm feeling very well rested. I'm talking face mask, hair mask, the works. got me wondering what are your guys perfect self-care days start to finish please maybe one day we can all hit up the spa together love Amy you were doing so well could have done with love Amy after what is your perfect self-care I'm not going to the spa with you I would I would I love a spa day actually but my health care my we spoke about this before my facial routine is quite well yeah I mean you know you've got the the mare but so what is do you do face mask because your missus is a model i do have a mask takes very good care of her skin i imagine has she got the old red light no but i've just bought one i've just bought a game now i bought a shark a shark facial what do you have the is it cryo i've got the one i've got you cryo glow yeah with the cooling ipads i've got cooling ipads incredible yeah and it's like a it's like an infrared thing that i'm going to slap on my face so that's going to become part of us do you ever have set a day you know obviously we've we discussed in the in the main that you recently groomed your penis yeah is that part of a self-care thing you do sort of monthly or is it kind of a set day or do you just call it self-care in bits or do you have general this sunday i'm gonna look after my skin do the hair maybe not so much the the skin mask the bollocks all the rest of it is it like a day no it's just whenever i remember to be honest with you okay so you're just oh yeah and let me just feel you out on this one yeah yeah no I'm ready prepare yourselves guys colonic thoughts

10:14I don't know understand the question what are your thoughts on a colonic no really oh mate I've heard they're brilliant for you well I've never had one but that's not really a self care yeah it is absolutely is do that at home do you give yourself a colonic this is a self-care Sunday it's kind of self-care day I don't you know what are you inviting the sort of the people round to colonic on your sofa no you go somewhere for that yeah but I thought when you said you spend a day I was like well do you know what I would love I've never been I would love to have a colonic okay this isn't what is your kind of something you've not done do you currently have a self-care day no not really I just sort of like just shove a bit of facial stuff on my face and I do I do sometimes like an eye mask I put an iron mask on I have bought one of those red light things that's about it but I think we should take healthy even more I genuinely think shoving something up there and getting all the shit out is a really good thing for your bowels yeah we should go together I'm not doing it there is no part of me that wants to sit sort of spooned on the side and watch some nurse with cold hands put a hose pipe up my arsehole wash your bed it's not the hands that are problem mate it's it's the fetal position i'm in whilst the hose pipe is inserted into my arsehole oh lovely and then for her to watch me guinness through a pipe because guinness comes out dark it does but you feel so good afterwards apparently yeah apparently so good yeah but i feel good now i mean i feel as good as i'll ever gonna feel i mean i've had a very restful bank holiday.

11:52Yeah. So I would consider this bank holiday for me, self-care. Okay. All right. Fair enough. What about a lymphatic drainage of the body? I don't, I see this a lot. I don't fully understand it. Isn't that more massage? Yeah. It's a lymphatic massage. I like a massage. What's it supposed to do for you? They do your belly. Yeah. So they move, they move. But what does it do? Contents of your, of your gut through your body. What? And then you, and then you shit it out? Eventually. Yeah. And basically what it does So when I see all these girls on Instagram. Just know they go from massive turnovers.

12:25And then after that, they just have full turnout. Yeah, they do. He couldn't have explained that much. Yeah, they do. They massively do. Explain it to me. They don't move the contents of your gut around and then you shit it all out. That is not what happens. That's how you lose your bloat. It's not. Pippa, explain to me lymphatic drainage message. It's like all the fluid and they drain it through your lymph nodes. So like bloating or water retention basically then is aided in naturally draining. you don't poo it out. You do. You don't. It's fluid stuck in your body. I'm going to go ask you, mate, listen, I love you, but I'm going to take her word for this.

13:02How would you describe lymphatic drainage of the face then? You shit it through your eye. Exactly. I just think that they just give it a massage, but this, they move it round your mouth. No, but it's not. So listen, the way you're describing it, very different. I understand what you're saying and that makes total sense. lymphatic lymph nodes make sense what you're discussing is I have a McDonald's for lunch then they'll wash it round my stomach and then I'm just going to shit it all out easier yeah that's not what that is even I know that and I don't know what that is but that makes no sense no you haven't I have no you haven't you just did a silly you just did a silly Instagram thing pretending that you had one and put your belly out and put it in felt like I needed a shit but you probably did because you were you were full up on on fucking raw mushrooms and baby bells but look so yeah self care for me is is is not really aesthetic there's not really much I'll shave once a week tidy up my beard and all that sort of stuff when I had long hair I used to do a hair mask nice maybe once every couple of weeks I'd do a hair mask banana hair mask don't really do that anymore because I don't need to but now self care for me is I walk the dogs I won't drink think self-care eight hours sleep no five hours sleep yeah somewhere between three and five if i really want to self-care i'll sleep in bed nice not on the sofa well pass down the floor i actually on the thursday yeah on thursday like that's if i'm really thinking or look after yourself i'll get in bed but um i actually fell asleep the weekend and slept for quite a while like genuinely for me about five hours on the sofa cross-legged like that oh nice yeah bad neck in the morning yeah i can imagine walking into pete's gaff and he's just sleeping like your granddad used to and you'll be like are you alive i remember like seeing my granddad and he'd literally be like like that with his neck back i'd be like dad is he dead and he'd be like no he just sleeps that's what happens when you get older like i would love to just walk in and pete's just done in like that It'd be so good.

15:11So, but I did get... Don't wake him up, kids. I did. Over the four-day weekend, I slept in bed once. So I did. I was self-care. Clock it. Clock it, baby. You keep saying cluck it. Clock it. Because I'm trying to do the American accent. Do it again. Clock it, baby. Yeah, nice. Oh, actually, really quickly, talking about America, Coachella's about to start. Oh, come on. come on we've always wanted to go to cello we were talking about it last year no no no you were tell me about I would love to go with you yeah but we costed it up mate how much was it again 72 ,000 for what you wanted to do so I wanted to go Pete looked at the pricings it was 72 grand listen he made such a big deal out of it and going to cello and all the rest and I said look if we're going to do it I'm walking around and not going on the ferris wheel and that like I want to do it all properly but also, you know what I mean, I'm not fucking around with the Love Islanders, you know, for fucking, you know, white dog boutique.

16:18We could go with white fox boutique. Well, no. So if we're going to go and do it, so I asked you to cost it up and you came back to me and said 72 ,000. So obviously we're not doing that. Well, we can't now, to be fair, because it's about to start. Yeah, and also 72 ,000 pounds. Yeah, but backstage passes. You've literally just been outside saying we're struggling for money. The Biebs. Biebs is headlining it. Imagine us backstage with Biebs. Take my money. Yeah, I would love that. He would walk past and we'd be like, Biebs, well done, man. Is he going to be dressed or is he going to be in his pants like the Grammys?

16:47Who knows? Maybe he's naked. But like we would be there and we'd be behind him. No, but I don't want to do that, let alone pay to do it. Oh, I do. I want to be like, Biebs, how are you? The Biebs. Zero interest. I mean, we spoke about it last year. It's ****ing cowboy hats, isn't it? And I am a ****ing cowboy hat when I go to a ranch. but not in, where is it? It's in LA, just outside of LA. In some field in LA, like doing a fucking picture and fucking. You're only allowed two drinks per time. What? Yeah. This is mad. You can only get two drinks at a time at the bar. Take your own then? You're not allowed.

17:25So why would you go? Sorry, the Ferris wheel. That no one, I've never seen anyone on it. Well, yeah, because you know, I think there's a backdrop. I don't think it's an actual Ferris wheel. You want to get a photo next to it. That's the whole point of the Ferris wheel. No, you don't. You didn't go to Coachella or Cella as I was called if you don't get phoned by the catcher, Ferris wheel. Well, have they all started leaving now? Anyone we know going? Maybe you could get yourself a staying relevant correspondent. Oh, that'd be amazing. Is Helena going? Well, I certainly not see her boyfriend, is it?

17:59No, that's a very good point. It's a very, very good point. But I don't know. It's just a pipe dream, but it will happen one day, I think. Maybe. Potentially. It won't happen. Question time. Question time. Would your 18-year-old self rate your current self? I think my 18-year-old self would be shocked that I'm alive. I think my 18-year-old self would be quite disappointed, generally, in where I am in my life. Because my 18-year-old self assumes that I would be sort of a billionaire, retired, pushing 40 you know settled I didn't think my I don't think my 18 year old self because he was quite cocky quite arrogant quite confident I don't think he would look at me and think that's a guy that's done well and he would look at me and go Jesus Christ you've let yourself go I think he'd be quite disappointed I had lots of big dreams at 18 and they've all withered and died mine would be over the moon I don't think my 18-year-old self would like me either.

19:11Yeah, well, the question is rate me, actually. That's a good point. Would they, like, rate me? If I went up to my 18-year-old self and was like, hey, dude, how are you? I think they'd be like, hey, dude, I'm great, actually, to be fair. Do you think you've changed?

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21:33yeah i think so what's the biggest change between 34 year old sam thompson and 18 year old sam thompson oh i thought i was gonna travel the world um but would you rate me i'd be my baby but i am doing a job that i think 18 year old me would love you know so do you think 18 year old you would look up to 34 year old maybe yeah 18 year old me would probably have a bit of a fanboy moment because i did the jungle and i used to love the jungle like that's quite cool yeah so i think like 18 year old me would have probably looked at the person who did the jungle which is oh my god mad because i think 37 year old me probably would look up to 18 year old pete not the other way around god he had it all worked out jesus christ he had so much potential honestly that's a guy that's going places.

22:21Yeah, but 18, I don't know. I feel like, I think so. Where were you at 18? Where was I? I was a bartender. No, I was traveling. I was traveling. I was in Australia. Yeah. Oh. In Sydney. You and Pudsey. Me and Pudsey putting up spotlights in Excel centers. But yeah, I think so. I think 18-year-old Sam was just really, really like, I didn't have a worry in the world either. So I would have literally been like, I think I would turn around and be like, yeah, he's all right. Is there, anything that you think 18 year old Sam wouldn't approve of 34 year old Sam? Cats. Yeah, 18 year old Sam did not expect 34 year old Sam to have cats.

23:02No. It probably would have been a dog but we skewed that way so I don't think he would have understood. Then when he met the cats I think he would have been like, wow I get it. But yeah, I don't know about the cats and what else would he probably Do you think you and 18-year-old Sam would be friends? Yeah, I think we would have gamed together. I'm really excited for when I get a kid and I can game with him. Fucking hell. That would be jokes. Yeah. Well, I mean, you've got Leo. Yeah, that's going to be so fun. Just imagine date night then. Oh, it's going to be so good. I am. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'd kick the fuck out of 18-year-old Pete.

23:42Really? Yeah, he was an arsehole. Cool. I think I'd feel sorry for the 18 year old Sam I'd be like oh dear I feel like you've got a long way to go do you think 18 year old Pete and Sam would be friends no not a chance you'd kick the shit out of 18 year old Sam 18 year old Sam 18 year old Pete would kick the shit out of 18 yeah 100 % 18 year old Pete out of temper I'd come over to you with a longboard and be like hey dude do you want to go longboarding yeah and I'd snap it over your head yeah I was a proper little dude I do think 18 year old Pete would be proud of the fact that that your old Pete hasn't really changed any of the places he goes, still in Stringfellows.

24:19Just the 20 years later. But now a household name in Stringfellows as well. Got your own slippers. I'm not sure that's the... No, no, no, no. The one thing 18-year-old Pete's happy about. They know you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a big name on B-Knock of Stringfellows. B-Knock? Big name on campus. Eh? Have we done that before? Big name on K, is that what it is? It's what, like college or uni, if you're a B, everyone knows you because you're a big name on K. You're a guy. Just, no. You're the dude. I've got a question for you. Well, actually, I don't. Someone has. Yeah. If you were a girl. Yeah.

25:02Oh. Oh, I give myself a blowjob. Cool. What would your name be? Oh, right. Oh, no. So I would, I would. Also, sorry, I'm just going to have to go back. If you were a girl, you wouldn't be, how would you give yourself a blowjob? That's a really good point, yeah. So anyway, what would your name be? I would probably be. What name do you think suits you? Can we AI us as girls now quickly? So that we can, because it might help. Can you do that? Is that something you can do? Like, quickly? Yeah, let's give us, so we've got a reference point of what we think suits. Yeah. I mean, we've done this very quickly.

25:48But Sam, what, if this was you, what name do you think would suit this human? Oh, he's got Ellen written all over him. Ellen. Ellen. He's got Ellen written all over him. My God, yes, you are an Ellen. Yeah. All right, okay. So Sam, you think the female version of Sam, it would suit you. I mean, Ellen. Ellen. I quite like that. I think you'd be an Ellen. One of my managers is called Ellen. No, we're going to give you Darcy. I actually quite like the name Darcy. I don't think I would be feminine enough for a Darcy. Well, it depends. Are you smoking for your day still? Yeah. Pam. Pam. Pat. Pat. Pat.

26:28Pat Wicks. I've been Pat Wicks. You are Pat Wicks. Shit. Mate, you've got and you're holding a fag like that. I'm a lollipop lady. And your wrist is like that holding a fag. And with your legs crossed like that and the way you sleep. My eyes crossed like that. Legs crossed like that. Pat. And basically you're the person at Christmas and everyone's like, God, we're inviting Aunty Pat again. Fuck, Aunty Pat. Fuck, I'm Aunty Pat. And then you come in, you're wearing a leopard print something. I'm Kat Slater. And you get wheeled in. I'm Kat Slater. You get wheeled in and everyone's like, what is it with you and weaving me in places?

27:01I don't know, I just imagine you being wheeled in. Why do you always assume I'm disabled? No, you're just tired. You're tired. Your body's tired. You're getting wheeled places. You go in and you just mug everyone off around the dinner table. And you're literally, and you're so done with life. And you literally turn around and you go, someone's had a breakup. You go, oh, fucking get over it. Jesus Christ. They're way too good for you anyway, love. And then you just sort of like turn around to the next person. You're just like, just one of them. Christ. Just covered in dog hair. Yeah. Got a couple of like really awful, yappy, aggressive chihuahuas.

27:34Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just sit and you're like, I wouldn't if I were you. Yeah, exactly. They don't like wankers. And they literally just, you're just doing that. And then someone gets like, and then, oh, but you are a little bit hypochondriac. Like, oh, my herpes, not my herpes. You'd be like, you'd be like, oh, my herpes is flaring up. Is that where you were going? Yeah. Something like that where you'd be like, oh, I can't do it because of my, you'd be like, oh, that won't go well with my gut or something like that. There'll be something you have that you're like always talking about, like some sort of ailment.

28:03Like an ingrown toe. Yeah, exactly. They'll be like, I can't do that not with these bunions not with these bunions oh just gets your feet up yeah yeah and they'll be out as well but I need to spread them out I need to spread them out and then you'll be like I'll come over here to me if you give me give auntie Pat never had any kids yeah hates everything yeah nice well there you go real picture painted there I mean look thanks for listening to Staying Relevant podcast hosted by Pat and Ellen yeah if you want to feature in the podcast then email hello SRProductions.co.uk We'll be back on Monday We love you so much Have a wonderful, wonderful day Whatever it is that you'll do This has been A Staying Relevant Production

28:57Los Deportes Bring families together Maybe it's watching El Partido Or cheering from the stands While you are taking care of everyone else, don't forget to take care of yourself. If you are 45 or older and at average risk, it's time to screen for colon cancer. Colorward Plus is non-invasive, requires no prep, and can be used at home in about 15 minutes. Hable con tu médico or request Colorward Plus test online. Hablemos de lo que nos de habla. Available by prescription only. During Lowe's Pro Savings Days, save more on the products you count on to get the job done right. Get a free two-pack of DeWalt 20-volt max XR 8 amp hour batteries when you buy a select DeWalt 20-volt max power tool.

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30:58We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, Jeannie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.