Would Pete Really Give Everyone a Day Off If England Win?

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1:51Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the bonus episode. With me, Sam Thompson. I actually forgot my name just then. I genuinely just forgot my own name. I literally didn't know what to say. Good start to the award-winning podcast, Staying Relevant. Okay, hell, I've gone a little bit light-headed. Oh, God. Come on a minute. I don't know. I'm fucking wild. With me, Sam Thompson. And Peter James. Jonathan Joseph. Emojis hands in the air. Wits! This is the bonus episode, which comes out Thursday audibly, and then you can watch on Sunday on Josh and Kirra's YouTube channel from 5pm, and then Monday's episode, which came out audibly on Monday, you can now watch as of 5pm on Wednesday, which means you can catch us on a...

2:42Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and also a Sunday. Yes, wonderful, wonderful stuff. This is the bonus episode, which means it's all about you. So you can email us and get in touch at the worst email address in the world, which is... Hello, everybody. No, it's not hello, everybody. Nope. Hello at SRproductions.co.uk. Okay, so just to confirm, it's not hello, everybody. All right? It should be, though. That'd be fucking great. Hello, everybody. SRproductions.co.uk. Yeah, well, I didn't think we could make it worse, but evidently we can. They'll be swearing if you don't like it. Go fuck yourself. Make sure you rate, review, do all of that crap.

3:23subscribe to Josh and Kira's YouTube channel. So our first email comes from a Lily and she goes, hello, Sam and Pete. I need some advice. Just to confirm her name is Lily, not a Lily. A Lily. I need some advice as festival season is officially here. And you both had pretty major glow ups recently. Pretty major glow ups recently. What would actually be your festival outfit of choice? If you're heading to one, I always feel like I never know what to wear. I want to look good, but always leave it. So last minute. So this time I want to plan ahead. We'd love to hear what you'd both pick. Love the pod.

3:57I mean, for me personally, it's a bejeweled something. Right. I mean, first of all, Lily, thank you. I didn't realise that I was part of a glow up. We've all spoken about your glow up, but very happy to hear that I've had a glow up. I love that. Didn't realise I needed one, but here we are. No, no. That was, you know, great. Lovely. I'm happy with the... You lumped in with me there. The unintentional glow up, but I'm here for it. Thank you so much. I'm sure you're looking good yourself. Bejeweled. Okay. So in real life, would you, you actually would wear St. Bejeweled. I probably would, yeah. Yeah.

4:33Sorry. I assume that was just a joke, but actually. Of course, mate. I'd go Burning Man style. Pair of Y-fronts, pair of Wellington boots. Yeah. How do you think that'll look at Reading Festival? I've been to Reading Festival. And did you wear Y-fronts and Bejeweled cape? No, but I'm talking like, I'm talking more Burning Man, to be fair. I'd love to go to the man. I don't know if that's what they call it. I don't think it is. They call it the man? I imagine that's probably the reason that you're not. I'd love to go to BM. Yeah? Me and you would be fucking jokes at Burning Man. As we all know, I don't like a festival because it's people.

5:08You've got to barter for things. I'd steal them. Mate, imagine, imagine. I'll have that. Well, what have you got for me? I won't hurt you. They've got rules. Eh? There's rules, mate. You've got to bring your own stuff to trade. Yeah, I would trade you. That would freak me out. I just need four cans of Guinness. What have you got? Hello. The feather in the wire fronts and the bejeweled cape, you can have him. All right. Well, let's say it's Reading Festival. Okay, Reading. Because you know it. What would you wear to Reading? Reading? Genuinely. In all seriousness. uh Reading I'd probably wear something baggy something baggy on the bottom um I feel like you'd wear this something something quite similar I'll be honest with you I feel like this is I actually I actually would Mickey Mouse t-shirt like something something pair of baggy combats yeah comfy shoes comfy shoes maybe a beanie or something like that a beanie definitely yeah maybe a beanie a beanie yeah is Reading Festival in winter I've actually I'll show you a festival it's in August So in August at Reading Festival, you're wearing a beanie.

6:22I'll show you my, this is my festival, last festival I went to outfit. It's unfortunate for me. I don't like festivals and it really aggravates me that generally people do this anyway now, but not for the same reasons that I would love to do it. I have always said that I am born in the wrong place. and more kind of location-wise, geographically in the wrong place. I don't get enough of an opportunity to dress as a cowboy. So you'd go cowboy? There would be a cowboy hat. There would be cowboy boots. There would be a lovely pair of 501s and probably some sort of vest, some accessories. I'd want to go as a cowboy.

7:09I don't think that would necessarily fit in because it's not Coachella where everyone seems to go. Yeah, they love a cowboy outfit. Do you know one festival I would love to go to, though? Go on. Stagecoach. Oh, yeah. That's the country festival, isn't it? Stagecoach. That, that, that I would do. 100%. I would be all over SR at Stagecoach because that is a bit of me. I don't know what that is. I don't, I do know what that is. Is that you? No, no. It was a stag do when we went to a festival. It's a guy And there's beer being pulled He's basically There's beer being pulled into his crack Oh well that's a blow Down his crack Down his bollocks And into someone's mouth Yeah I won't Yeah This is why I don't go to festivals with you That was my best outfit Not really Mate it's not very good You actually do have a beanie on Where was this festival?

8:03In fucking Iceland No We went to Lost Village I don't know what that is It's just a fucking The Beanie Wearers Festival Yeah it's It's a it's dirty. Well, yeah. So I'd go cowboy. That would be my thing. And I don't think you can go wrong with that. I'd have a face mask. I'd have like a ski mask or something like that. A ski mask? We're going to different festivals, I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah, I don't feel like we're at the same festival here. Yeah, but the thing about festivals is you get quite gritty. Yeah, that's why. Just rough and ready. Yeah, I'd go very rough and very ready. Yeah, yeah, you don't want to get...

8:38Pink beanie. Yeah, no rough and ready. it's different for women. Listen, I think you can't go wrong with a bit of denim. Oh, nice. Denim, flannel, comfy shoes. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to be comfy. I told you, I once woke up with someone pissing on my head. Like, you've got to, in a tent, you've got to be careful when you go on a festival. Like, are you a camping guy? Are you in a tent? I would be in a tent on my own and, yeah, I mean, I've said it before, if anyone pisses on my head, I'll do time. you wouldn't be able to find it oh motherfuckers fucked but yeah listen I'd go cowboy themed for a festival I think you can get away with it there you know it would be weird if I just you know wandered into SR on a Wednesday in a cowboy hat but I would love to every week I consider it I have a range of hats don't let us hold you back mate I just I just feel like I wouldn't you know it would oh look at him yes I do well then mate you should feel comfortable here They don't go, look at that cowboy.

9:41They don't go, what was he fucking doing? They go, that's a cowboy. You know? Would you glamp or would you slum it?

9:55There's so many anomalies I'd need before deciding. I mean, I'm quite happy to slum. You know, I'm one with nature. I don't mind that sort of stuff. what I would struggle with is summon it with with other people because other people are dirty yeah and you've got to share showers with people and stuff and festivals as well which I was fine just don't shower no so grim yeah no listen flannel wash your fucking your bollocks your arse on your armpits and I think you're good at going and then you like when you're waiting to go for a number one or number two I'm not going to barefoot walk through a field of human waste to then shower and then get someone else's turd between me toes on the way back before putting a pair of, before putting me cowboy boots back on.

10:43Put it that way. I'll happily flannel wash in me fucking, in me one man tent. I can give it, hat on, let's fucking roll. So, so can I get your opinion on what you do in this scenario? So when, that photo I just showed you is from 2021. You were on a bus there, where there was a naked man hanging from the, the, the, the luggage rail. Whilst men poured beer through his arsehole and bollocks. That, to me. Stag. It's a stag, dude. Mate, I am running straight to the front of the coach. All right. There is a people's elbow to the driver. I'm taking the steering wheel and I'm going into the central reservation at that point.

11:26That is it. Stop the bus. I'm getting off. On your stag, if I made you. Because basically what happens. If you made me. No, if someone then lies down. And so as the beer comes down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Through someone's arsehole. He's in a ghillie suit and it comes... If we were like, Pete, you have to do it on your stage. You'd have to do it. What would... I'd go, make me. Well, there's probably quite a fair few of us on the stage. Oh, I couldn't give a fuck how many of you there are. Quite funny to see Pete like windmilling people. No, no! We'd hold him down. Come at me, bro. And then Pete's getting beer poured down my ass crack into his mouth.

12:00If I had a stage doing that was the case, it would be Sam that is in the ghillie suit doing it. I'll go tagged in mate we turned up to that festival right and as it's just post Covid as we're walking in it's like pretty gritty already as we're walking in there's a positive Covid test on the floor at the entrance to this fucking thing and like all of us looked at each other and went this is a bit bummed out like that's going to be a super spreading area are you turning around at that point when you see that on the floor and you're like oh god this is what a COVID test it was a positive COVID test sat on the floor so someone in this camp has got fucking COVID at this point I think there's probably worse you're going to catch at a festival than COVID yeah true you know what I mean yeah with the amount of as I say human waste and dirty people it is it's messy so in answer to the question Lily I've gone with cowboy style Sam's gone with find a friend and pour beer down his arsehole depends where the festival is I hope that's, but wear a pink beanie.

13:06I hope that's answered the question for you. Would definitely want to be on someone's shoulders as well. Like love the idea of being on someone's shoulders. The question is, what would you wear? This is not, what would you do? I would love it though. If you're like holding me up and I'm on your shoulders and I'm like, yeah. Well, there you go. So Sam would wear me at a festival. Wide fronts around his neck. All right. Next one. I think you should read as well because it's in your voice. Oh, hello. Oh, it's because it's, oh, I like the way this is. catching on. Hello boys. With the World Cup kickoff times announced this week, I was wondering what your plans are for the England games.

13:42I know Pete isn't exactly football obsessed, but will either of you be staying up to watch them, especially as a couple of the England matches are on at 9pm on weeknights? As bosses, would you let the team Oh, hello. As bosses, would you let the team come in a bit later the next morning if everyone stayed up to watch it together? And hypothetically, if England won, would you give everyone the day off to celebrate? That's from Hillary. Right. Easy. 9pm, darling. It's not exactly fucking middle of the night, is it? I'm in bed at 9.30. Well, I am. I generally am. Well, if you were playing, you'd be able to catch all of your game.

14:18You're a bastard. Nasty work. Look, no, I'm not football obsessed. Will I be staying up to watch them? I'm already up. So I don't need to stay up for 9pm. But will I be watching it? No, probably not. I'll watch the England games. I'll watch a bit listen I keep up with it you know what's going on yeah I'm not going to plan my life around the World Cup I'll just be yeah catch it I'm away quite a bit summer working and what not so I'm sure a lot of people that I work with love the football so I'm sure I'll be in the fucking bars watching it with them and I'm quite happy to do that do you know what's funny is that when Pete's away is when you're all going to be out fucking celebrating and getting fucked up and it's going to have to be me who corrals you all to come into the office and well not just you because i'm setting up a ring doorbell camera in my corner of the office so that i can it would be motion censored that's hilarious we should do that we should absolutely do a ring well just so we can keep an eye um as bosses would you let the team come in a bit late next morning if everyone stayed up to watch it together absolutely not no um none of us are playing none of our family are playing uh so Do you know what I mean?

15:32Since none of us know anyone that's playing, it's just England playing football. None of us have any connection. No, get the fuck to work. And also, we'll stay up late 9pm. Well, finish at 11. Yeah, finishes at 11. What's late? You don't have to be at work till fucking nine. You can get your eight hours sleep, have a fucking shit shave and come into work. You'll be fine. What if we all went together to the pear tree to watch it? Well, I wouldn't be going to the pear tree for a start because based on what everyone said, aren't queuing up to get into a pub. The pear tree is, just for context, one is Pete's idea of hell.

16:06It's basically a place where posh people go and Battersea Park get really, really pissed. The Harlequins rugby team, I think, were there last weekend going like, like picking people up and fucking like beer going everywhere. It's really, really busy. And it's just, it's just rugby lads clapping people who are just like, who are literally just off their tits. and you cannot move for love nor money. Well, it's a no from me on that. So, no, regardless, if you watch the football, that's your own fucking choice. Get to work. On that, Sam and I actually watched Euros. We watched a game at Jack's. Oh, yeah, we did.

16:46That was fucking fun. Yeah, I will happily go and watch it. That was good. If we have an area like we did and it was fine, then, yeah, absolutely. I get in the spirit. But you don't need to do that. I turn up to work every day. so everyone else fucking can if England won would you give everyone the day to celebrate when's the final darling? it's on a Sunday night it's on a Sunday night Sunday night? if England win you can all have Monday morning off and come in at 12 if England win 19th of July okay so on the 20th of July if England win then you can come in at 12 deal yeah? you can have the morning off if England are in the final but don't win you're in at nine so if England win twelve unless someone gets in a fountain what?

17:40you know how there's always an England fan do you know what? fuck it if England win have Monday off the whole day yeah if England win and if you get into a fountain you get two days off I just love the idea of someone just fucking you must have seen those fucking photos of like an England family with his belly out in the fucking fountain in like Leicester Square yeah but you know what's going to be terrible is where's Annalise on one of a lads trip is going to be in like Rome or something she'll get in the Trevi Fountain and hold it for that day go no I got in the fountain when they won dated fucking June yeah so if England win you can have Monday off deal alright nice I hope we're going to be watching it together no extra days for fountains okay fair no extra days for fountains but we'll watch it together as well All right, cool.

18:26There you go. Nice. You can answer your question. Job done. Question time. Whoa. Question time. Sam. Yeah. If you were an object, what would you want to be and why?

18:45Whoever's asked that question.

18:51I adore that question. Whoever's asked it, thank you. What object would I be if I were just an object? If I were an object. I would be, I would be. So we're talking inanimate objects. An inanimate object. Yeah, not like a cat. That just has to stay still forever. I would be a jelly cat. I'd be, no, I'd be. This isn't life or death. I'd be a toy. I'd be a Stretch Armstrong. You'd be a Stretch Armstrong. A piece of string. Why? Well, because, you know, people play with you. They put you in, like, knots and stuff, and you're holding something up. Like, quite fun. You would have a fun life, you know?

19:39How long is the piece of string? I'd say a 30-centimeter ruler. So it's a shoelace. Yeah, pretty much. Shoelace would be fucking great. I'd be a shoelace. That's what I'd be, is a shoelace. All right. And what type of shoe? Uh, or a Jordan. A Jordan. Yeah, yeah, because you never know there might be a basketball player attached to my shoe. Yeah. I know someone who was a signpost once.

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22:00You know someone that was assigned? Yeah. Right. Sorry. Did you just speak to a signpost? No, he did mushrooms. Yeah, he did mushrooms. And he, legally, by the way, legally in Thailand. And he, so there's a mountain called Mushroom Mountain. And you basically go, I've no one heard about this in Thailand. Are you on mushrooms currently? No. He did, they do a mushroom milkshake, right? And they give it to you. It's at the place called Mushroom Mountain. And he had this experience where he went, I had a wife, kids, and like lived her an entire life, right? And he came back and then he took another fucking sip or whatever and was a signpost.

22:45And he said he lived decades being a signpost. No joke. Is this fella still alive? He's still kicking about. Yeah, he's got a really good job. I'm not even joking. He said he was a signpost for years and years and years. He went, it was the weirdest thing. Sam, Sam, Sam, you're saying I'm not even joking. We understand the story, but you're saying it like he was a signpost. But he felt like he was a signpost. Yeah. But we understand. I'm not joking. He generally had a trip out and he was a signpost for years. For years. But he wasn't a signpost. But he thought he was. How mad is that? You're such a signpost.

23:24No, you're a rock. You're a rock. I would happily be a pebble on a beach. undiscovered just gently brushed by the waves occasionally some little tries to skin me I just just living just peacefully amongst my stony little friends that would be good why can I see that for him just there I am forever and then something happens and then like you're picked up and you're like whoa whoa whoa what the fuck put me down and then like you can't do anything about it So you're just a livid stone. Yeah. I think I would literally be a stone on a pebble beach. And then they throw you into the sea. Or you could, you know, what else would I want to be?

24:07A stone's fucking good for Pete. Straw, constantly being sucked. I could see you being straw. I could definitely see you being straw. Don't do, you think I'm going in that fucking mouth, you dirty ****? Oh, you meant like a straw? Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant like a hay bale bit of straw. No, like a straw for a... I could see you being like just a piece of straw in a hay bale. Yeah. Do you know, in all honesty, if I answer it, genuinely, a pebble would be fine. But I think... Not the way we've got to be in all honesty giving us this. But I think, like, genuinely... What do you like to be? I don't think it classes an animal object because it's living, but a tree.

24:47A tree? I don't know if you can class it. No, I think you could. It's technically living, isn't it? I'd give you a tree. Like an oak tree in a forest. Yeah, nice. Just in the middle of a forest. But I don't know if we can class that. So if we can't class that, then I'm a stone because that is just a stone. But trees are living. But a tree, imagine just the eight years, what you see, the changing surrounding. To be honest with you, my luck, I'd be turned into a flat. Do you know what I mean? I'd be chopped down and you know what I mean? But ideally, in the black forest in Germany, a tree. Oh, I like that.

25:21In the centre, untouched, just living my life, growing, you know, going through the seasons. You know, I'd be a tree. Yeah. Or maybe a bucket. Yeah, but. I'd be in a bucket. You know? People put things in you. I don't want people to put things in you. You're carried around. I don't want to be carried around. I just want to be left alone. So there you go. Stone, tree, or a shoelace? I think that's a fucking good question. Whoever has sent that in, please follow up. That's a fucking good question. Tell us what you'd be. An email, don't bother at srproductions.co.uk. Which is mad though. Do you know what I bet they've got that from?

26:05It's when I called you a brick. I bet you anything that's where they've got that from. I just cannot wait to hear what you're going to say here. Sam, if nobody would ever find out, what would you do? No one could ever find out. What would I do? got to think about get your fingers ready for the typing got to think about things that are legal you know like obviously you've got to be legal no one will find out so it doesn't have to be legal yeah but I mean and this isn't actually happening mate yeah but the problem is as long as you yeah but I just wouldn't want people thinking that I have it in me we all have it in us to murder we all have the capability to be able to do it it's just how close to that limit are you getting and I'll be honest I'm close do you know what I would fart in something in your mouth without whilst you're asleep whilst you're asleep.

26:51But Sam, so the question, if nobody would ever find out what's the first thing you do. So in all the things, in all the world, you'd fart in my mouth whilst asleep. But you'd never be able to tell anyone. No one would ever find out. So that is just for your own gratification. Yeah, that's weird. No, that's weird. Because I'd want to film it. But then... No, I hear you. Let me just tell you the question again. If nobody would ever find out what's the first thing you'd do, do you still want to keep the same answer? I sound like I'm doing a quiz show. Do you want to keep the same answer or change it?

27:25Fart in the mouth in my sleep or do you want to move on to something better? No, now I feel really weird for saying fart in your mouth when you're asleep. Not as weird as I feel, mate. Oh, God. What would I do if no one could find out? Like, no one at all. What would I do if no one found out? I can't ask the question any more times. No one found out. right okay thank you for listening no no no if no one could find do you know what I'd disappear I hear what you're saying because no one would care because no one's found out but like yeah what's the first thing I'd do I would just run away like a small child in an orphanage and no one would know where I've gone what I've done I'd start a whole new life there'd be no one would know.

28:18No one. I wouldn't tell you. I wouldn't tell anyone. I'd just be like magic. Gone. It would be my opportunity. Like the door is open. And then just no one's even asking. Mystical. And then you'd find me in Peru. Doing what?

28:43Peruvian things. Oh my that interesting, but I would go to Iraq. And I'll tell you why. Because no, no, no, no, no, no, trust me. I would go to Iraq, right? And I don't look panicked. And I would try and find Gilgamesh's tomb. That's what I would do. Find Gilgamesh's tomb. quite deep answers for both of us there. The other thing I'd do is steal a car. Oh yeah, you could do that, couldn't you? Dream car. Go to the pyramids and sneak into the pyramids. I think we've overthought this. I think they were hoping for something more whimsical. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Both of us have done that there. So I'd steal my dream car.

29:31Yeah. What would that be? My dream car. Yeah. it would be a 1988 Carrera 911 Singer Porsche black with tan interior and gold 21 inch alloys that's nice that's nice that's nice very specific sorry yeah yeah do you know what and then it would just be my car no one would know no one would know it's just my car yeah because you could got a new car yeah where'd you get that from it's it's just the idea there's something so comical in my head about like Pete being asleep mouth open and he's just breathing heavily and that's just gone in that hasn't helped at all and he's gone he's gone that hasn't helped at all he's opened his eyes it's just me thanks for listening to Staying Relevant with me Pete Wicks and me Sam Thompson I don't want to fart in Pete's mouth I want to take that back I want to rescind that now to feature in this podcast email hello at srproductions.co.uk subscribe follow do all of that sort of stuff and follow us on socials at Stan Riddham Podcast we'll be back next week oh I'd I'd I'd bye I'd oh shit what would I do we're done now mate we're onto the average I'd go on Love Island how would people not find out that's not the point I'd go on Love Island that's literally the point as a completely random, they wouldn't know who I am.

31:06So, should we do this ad raid? This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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33:18for free. So when peak season hits, you're ready to go. Switch today at shipstation.com code audio. Hello Relevanters. We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog Marry Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to Snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one genie. I don't know. I quite like it.

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