We Answer Your Questions: Should Footballers Be TRAPPED at One Club & Our WORST Purchases… | EP. 428

0:00Hello and welcome to That Pete Crouch Podcast brought to you by Paddy Power. I'm joined by Sid and Chris Stark Chris Stark who looks very excited so excited come on spill the beans there needs to be a bit of context here the time we're recording this it's the evening normally we record a little bit earlier it's the evening in the Chambawamba because Pete you're filming something no I'm actually away for a couple of days but they told me it was work oh sorry I'm working so anyway we've got to record this podcast so it's the evening now three o 'clock tomorrow morning I'm getting picked up to go to the airport for the annual lads golf trip it's never not exciting exactly the first cracker I love that speech do you know when he's is he on this morning or something what's his name I know him he's a mate so he's called Tom Swarbrick and he works at LBC you know the radio station and then he goes on this morning sometimes largely to stick up for yeah lab behaviour really but I love the way he says it like it's just amazing isn't it like because everything he's saying is right it's the excitement in his voice as well and he's just a woman sitting next to him like looking at him just to say you're like I think it's Susanna Reed they think Susanna look at him as if he's crazy and he's like no Kat Deely it was Kat Deely it would be Kat Deely on this morning I'm like, what?

1:31Like, what? Why? Yeah. I think she thinks like, oh, you're taking a piss, aren't you? He's like, no. No. This is my culture. So true. It's never not exciting. Can we get that video up? Is that a potential? Can we get that up? It's just brilliant. If you're, and also before you hear this, it's like, if you're going on a stag do or you're seeing your friends or it depends what bit of your life you're in, right? Because maybe if you're a bit younger, you see your mates a lot and you can maybe sometimes take it for granted. I sometimes used to take it for granted. And then as the years go on, you do see them and have these opportunities less and less unless you're Siddy.

2:11But these weekends away, these weekends away are really rare, right? They're so excited, aren't they? But it's immovable. This one lad's golf weekend. I missed an interview with Taylor Swift last year. Yeah, he did say that. And work weren't necessarily very happy about it, but they understood that this is the immovable thing. My mates don't give a shit about Taylor Swift or anything like that. And I actually think she would respect the fact that I stuck by my mates. Yeah, 100%. She would think more of you. That's what I like. If you'd done that interview and you said, I missed my lad's immovable golf day for this, she'd go, you dickhead.

2:44Yeah. And I will meet you at some point and I will explain this and I'm sure she'll get it. So this is the backdrop to everything, right? And then Tom Swarbrick goes on this morning and does one of the best speeches which just sums up that feeling. Yeah. But I'm telling you now, guys, as you get older, the amount of time you get to spend with your guy, this is a real genuine male issue. The amount of time you get to spend with your guy mates diminishes as you get older. Exponentially. Absolutely. As you know, the responsibilities of life take over. I just... Until the breath runs out of my body, I will always be excited about sitting on the train, heading off somewhere with my mates, and at 9.30 in the morning, the first crack of the tin goes...

3:36There is no way that that is never not exciting. The thrill of it, the lack of responsibility of it for just those few short hours, the world is yours to go and attain and achieve and be excited by you you only live once you go and get it and I love it I love that would you like to go on a flat holiday yeah fuck incredible speech the music behind it put that music behind it has that got you even more hyped up are you hyped for this I could down the beer oh I said to the lads I said I turned up I said I'm in holiday mode now I was in we're doing the pod because sometimes it's in the routine of the day and stuff like that and I love it but it hits different when you know you're going away this is after hours it's much better I fucking love it oh fuck should we quickly FaceTime please is that a possibility I just think he loves this podcast and I do wonder if well what I mean could he give you a little pep talk give everyone a pep talk it's what he does is that what he does really just off the cuff he's calling me he's got even better there he is are you there yeah

4:47I'm with the boys

4:51he's on the radio apologies it's a quick one really good we've just played your clip I'm going on the lads holiday first thing tomorrow morning Crouchy was just wondering can you just give us a very quick speech just to get us in the mood for it I don't know if you can do these yeah yeah yeah alright you ready what about This isn't necessarily, lads, just about going on the piss, OK? It's not just about drinking. This is about finding freedom. Because you know and I know that every minute of every day there's someone telling you what to do. There's someone on the phone saying you need to do this.

5:28Someone's keeping your own time. You've got to turn up for work. This is about a moment where you get to go, no, shunning all that, I'm going to do this for me. It's your time. It's your free time. It's freedom.

5:44What a man. Go on. The first crack of the tin will never not be exciting. Cheers for this. Brilliant. Love it. What a guy. What a man. Brilliant. Fantastic. Do you mind if I segue straight into a penis 11?

6:07Is that all right with you? It's not necessarily a penis 11. It's actually a bollock 11. I'm just going to go straight for it. What's the context? The context, Chris, is a vasectomy Ted Smith's had recently. Go on. He's wrote in. He had a vasectomy and he wanted to create a bollock 11. I imagine while he was probably bored in the hospital. But he's gone with Graham Sack and go, Carney children maker. Yeah, he's the villa. Chelsea lad lad isn't he Chuck Chukwaka yeah yeah yeah okay yeah Terebo Testy Wes Crown Jewels nice we've got Paul Gas Coin Purse Coin Purse oh my god Steve Balswell yeah nice Michael Bollock obviously oh this that's on the 10 that one isn't it Mickey Nutt Mickey Nutt Aleandro Gonacho Gonadacho yeah okay Peter Crotch got Bukayo Naka the manager Scrotty Scrotty Parker Scrotty Scrotty is it or Scrot yeah Scrot Scrotty Scrotty Scrotty Parker Team Bournemouth the Cherries stadium announcer Chris Stark Bollock Naked yeah love it oh Richard, that's good.

7:36Were we talking vasectomies recently, were we? Did we talk vasectomies? I can't believe you're talking vasectomies now because I've literally, this morning, I've just been and taken my dog to get done, to have his box removed. What is that like for them? I watched the whole thing. Did you? I went in. They put scrubs on me. Did you ask to go in and what? No. So, I know the vet. He's a mate of mine, right? He said, do you want to have a look at it? Look at what? Look at what? I watched it. It happened. I went in there. Did you video it? I've got pictures. What is going on? What is going on? Can we take a moment for the idea of you in full scrubs?

8:19Do you want to picture it? Mark. Can you pass our phone, please? This is unbelievable. You've stumbled upon a gem of a podcast today. I'll tell you what. You won't have expected it. Sometimes, you know when there's no guest, that we just do just do us some of the some of the chat is phenomenal so it really is erm okay do you want to see do you want to see the scrubs had on they're around there just watching my dog get a bollock removed there's a thumbs up that's right I'm about to go in there I haven't seen the bollock done yet but I've had to fully scrub up just tell me the scenario if you actually go in so did they say do you want to come in he said do you want to have a look at it and I said well I've never done that before were you involved in the operation or did you just sort of witness that?

9:06I stoked the dog for a little while. There's me. Look, there's the op. What dog? There's the op happening. What one was it? It's Bambi, you know, Liberty's dog. Oh, play Bambi, yeah. There's me just overseeing it all. Unbelievable. Oh, yeah. What? This is crazy. This is mad. He's literally... Is this going to be publicly available? Crunchy's literally in the corner of the room. This is mad. Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Job done. Bloody hell. job done I was Bambi afterwards fine a bit sleepy obviously after the anaesthetic but seems fine yeah while we're on this conversation so it happened to me today and this is this is wild class I've been waiting for this for ages I see it on social media a couple of weeks ago and I thought if this happens to me I cannot wait to do this I was walking in Soho walked past a little pop-up store backpack little luggage store so I thought I'll just pop in there so I popped in a man said come up to me quite vibrant guy with big thick glasses roll neck tucked in high trousers he went can I help you sir right and I've just gone there's two women behind him at the counter I've gone no no I'm just looking just browsing and he went do I recognise you from somewhere and I went when he said this this is it this is the trigger and I went um I mean I work on the reception at the STD clinic around the corner did you actually say that I swear to you I said that the two girls she spat her drink out she's crying laughing he's just gone no no no no no no that's phenomenal I'm losing that I'm losing that one brilliant that's brilliant I see it on social a couple of times and you've been waiting I thought the neck that one I'm so glad it just triggered it I'd been gutted if I'd just gone nah because when that happens normally I'd just go oh yeah maybe maybe just I don't know I'm around I've said that oh mate he went no no no no couldn't have been any better because the two ladies behind us well it's exactly what you need because if it's just you and him then it's like you just laugh it off but with them two as well perfect it was the best did you let it linger for a little bit for like 10 seconds did you yeah and then he didn't come back for more to be fair he just left me to it that is phenomenal did you get the backpack do you know what fucking Trumpy 300 quid for a backpack I know you paid it no I might go back tomorrow as I think it's interesting you've gone for a considered purchase for the backpack I think it's an important purchase I take my backpack shopping very seriously do you?

11:45very seriously it was nice I usually get some because she knows how particular I am about them she'll get me like a real nice one for Christmas I wasn't aware it was such a sort of gentleman's sport yeah it is very much so as in you really think about your backpack yeah I don't let anyone go in it like I've got compartments anyone goes in it I'm filming that's the only thing really that for me is my backpack well I've opened up a new I'm tattooed backpack yeah I've opened up a new thing here we're bringing the backpack back yeah backpack back yeah general that just like the fact that you're doing that in the day and I'm doing the day I've had I think I think we should start going back to records in the morning.

12:28I think we're good left alone in the day. Obviously, we're filling our time with like watching bullsacks get cut off and pretending you work in STD clinics. Well, it's amazing because I keep getting told you're busy and then I hear what you're up to when I can't hear it. I was filming, to be fair. That got filmed. Did it? So I suppose it was work. I was interested. I cannot wait to see that. This morning, I've got my, I've just like the process, it's a long process of having my tattoo removed. Great. are you actually going on your back Sid? Well mate that's big though painful half an hour is it going to be totally gone?

13:06Yeah yeah two years if she reckons two years will it be replaced with something else? No oily olive skin will it just be skin or will it be like on Sons of Anarchy where they just ink over it? No it's going to be like obviously they can't guarantee it's going to go but she said to me I'll put my house on it'll be gone whoa yeah you got any tattoos pain we're rare people where we our skin is is pure very very rare it's a rare situation these days especially in the football industry yeah very true it's quite a lot most do you respect footballers more if they don't have tattoos do you think there's there's a different sort of personality I don't judge either way I think people you know each to their own it wasn't my bag yeah there's no real part of my body that I'd like to draw attention to really also I think you've got to go more than just one I think because my thing to you would be if you won the Champions League would that have been a tattoo I mean I would think it would have to be but I think you can't just have one Champions League tattooed on you I think you've got to do more than that at that point yeah when do you stop do you know what I mean do you get a Nations League and a Community Shield on there yeah yeah the list could go in yeah mind you the the more fashion ones now are the sort of faint ones aren't they whereas before it was a bit more sort of bold and sleeves and i wish i'd gone tattoos now i wish i'd done more i'd like to start go for it a couple of mates of mine um used to tattoo parties and they would just i mean they would have a few beers and just do little dots things like that all over them just didn't care about it I'd love to have that care that sort of lack of care what's the like the most maddest footballers tattoo you've seen Joni good show I mean a friend of mine's got a cam on his toe yeah which is not it's not a deal shit wait what about if you lose to the Zanti keeper when we do that you have to get a tattoo in Zanti I mean be careful what you say because this has legs I mean if you don't I mean if that keeper does I need to know what the actual stats what is the deal here so if I take three pens do I have to score all three?

15:35I would take you scoring one goal against the Zante goalie out of three? he's so good mate I've got to score one out of three surely no you're ramping this up one out of three? I'm saying no I think Pete thinks he should have to score more than three or more than one well I was I don't know what the deal was I don't know whether he's calling me out for he said I couldn't score any past him he called you a piece of shit as well he did he's quite aggressive do I get to do I get to put a tattoo on him if he loses that might not be a thing for him I only say it to you because you've got none and it would be amazing if your first was the result for penalty shootout on the Zante strip imagine I haven't got Abbey's name tattooed on me but I've got the Zante goalkeeper tattooed on me mate if you come back from Zante having not been able to score against the Zante goalkeeper and a tattoo on your back Zante themed I think it's the end of the marriage potentially one out of three I don't want a I don't want a Zante tattoo do I you imagine I've gone all this way right and then I go to Zante at 45 and get a tattoo.

16:50I went to my NFL when I was 17. I came home with nothing. And I go, I'm 45, I've got four children. It's kind of amazing. Sid, I don't know if you saw this, Messi's last game. What a player he's been, eh? And a great send-off. There's a couple of things that have been noticed. I'm sure how you feel about them. This is a still picture. So the referee, Am I right in saying the referee has given him his yellow and red card? I think everything's obviously very heightened emotionally and people want to give gifts to Messi. So as a mark of respect for it being Messi's last game, the referee's given his yellow and red card to Messi at the end of the game.

17:33A bit like you'd give the match ball. Why? Yeah, I've got lots of questions as well, Sid. Why would he like those? well I think it's a bit like keeping your last shirt is it though is it or a bit of the turf or a bit you know a goal post or a corner flag or the ref's cards I don't know I think he's gone too far there I think the ball would have been a nice gesture have the ball I think now this has happened with Messi though you should get the ball for the hat trick and potentially you should get the refs yellow or the red card to celebrate I don't know it could be a birthday or it could be an important milestone 100 goals 100 appearances I like this idea Do you like it?

18:26I think maybe if you get sent off or something like that you know what I mean to come back on the pitch and go there you go there's your red that you got at least you've been awarded it Where does that end? Where does it finish? does the assistant referee give him his flag? Yeah. Or the fourth official just take his top off. Can I have your shin pads? I don't understand that whatsoever. I think it was amazing. I watched the end of the game. It was quite emotional, wasn't it? What a player. What a player. And there was the pictures of him. It looked like he was in tears on the bus on the way to the game.

19:05I mean, it's an armamentally unbelievably distinguished career. Do you think being able to have that sort of final game? I mean, I think you got a really good experience with it, Crouchy, didn't you? Being able to sort of see out the end, manage the end. Yeah, it was nice going around at the end and knowing that, you know, that was you done. Ref didn't give you the cards. No, I didn't get the cards, unfortunately. would you have liked that Siddy yeah I didn't have that I didn't know my last game was my last game so yeah I missed that one but listen I was one of the lucky ones to play yeah there we go yeah agreed okay do you know what we've got we don't do this enough the question and answer is today oh we've got a Q &A loads of listener messages love it always keen to get through them love it yeah we've got one here from Kelso Footy Club who says every footballer had to play their entire career for one club no transfers would football be better or worse oh what so if a player comes through the academy they can't leave you can't leave wow so like so for instance West Ham would have been Joe Cole Rio Ferdinand Carrick that'd be brilliant for them wouldn't it imagine keeping all of those players wow Chelsea's academy Arsenal have let a few go would that be well I think Southampton's team yeah like Mane Van Dijk you know like some of like some of those players they've had to let go over the years I suppose there's pros and cons with this isn't there because I suppose then we wouldn't have you wouldn't get the best talent and sometimes the talent raises when the players move as well which is important to say like clubs can take someone to a certain level and then it's an interesting concept I don't know if I don't think it'd work do you know the other one that was a bit similar to this that I heard was when a player signs for a club they have to play minimum two seasons.

21:06And I thought that was quite a nice idea as well. Or if a player breaks through, they have to play two seasons in their respective league. And the reason why I like this, and I like the one that Coulson Footy Club is saying there, is it just means that as a fan, you know what you're potentially getting for a period of time. I like that. And I think that security is often missing because take clubs in the lower leagues, you have a player that you've seen have an unbelievable season. it's really annoying to know that you've, it's great you've had them, but you know they're going. And that's such an annoying thing as a fan, especially when you find that gem that could potentially bring you up.

21:46Yeah, you know, like I was just, I'm thinking of players, like is there one player at Watford that you, you know what I mean? Like, cause I'm thinking of like West Ham, like having Payet or Liverpool Suarez or, you know, like players that leave and you're like, ah, it's a shame, isn't it? It's hard. like Jao Pedro at Watford so he played for us but the thing is I think we did get more than one season out of him so you know fair's fair in this instance but you get this player and that was such a formative season or two for Jao Pedro and then look what he's kicked on to for a championship team to have a player like him you see the difference and all season you worry that they're going and that's not a nice feeling you sort of want to be able to beat one of them I like that who was the lad at Swansea the striker Wilfred Boney is it Boney no Michu he had a well he won season where did he go he scored like 20 or goals no but then he had a shocker the next year that's what I mean yeah yeah I like it though Chris I do like that I think it's a good one just for a better consistency yeah interesting okay rank the pods football league forfeits from easiest to hardest let's quickly recap so we're talking you done the first one cheerleaders World darts with the cheerleaders.

23:06The life drawing. Life drawing. Not good. Football mascot. Child mascot for the day. Child mascot for the day. There's four. And the stand up. And the stand up. They was all horrible. Great one. They were all horrible. There is some crackers there. I don't know. I mean, Sid's wasn't nice at all. It wasn't. But then what you knew. It depends what you mean by easiest. Because Sid's literally had to sit there looking beautiful. Do you know what I mean? but I would say he carried it off as well but easiest technically out of all of those the one that I would least like to do easiest technically easiest technically it was the easy one do you see what I mean yeah because I've got to do nothing I've just said do nothing he hasn't got to do much but it's highly embarrassing at all times the embarrassment level is another level in my opinion yeah no I get that so I would say yours was both the easiest and the hardest yeah I would me personally I would rather have done my one than the comedy I think they're too worse I wouldn't I think the comedian comedy and yours are bad aren't you cheerleading the darts isn't good yeah but I mean you had the world darts aren't you we had a load of beers afterwards like it was yeah yeah you did a bit of cheerleading then it was done the one thing I will tell you Lewis is the beers after the forfeits are amazing beers they're phenomenal after I think after your one I had my first beer straight when I came off the pitch as if I'd played.

24:34Yeah. And I'd only been involved in the warm-up. And we got given a cold beer and I was like, oh, I'm so glad. Now, obviously, there was a little bit more to do. Unfortunately, I was on the pitch at halftime and stuff. Your forfeit was the most involved. So in that sense, it depends what you mean by easiest or hardest. You were there all day. You weren't just a mascot for walking out the place. No, I was a mascot. You had to do interviews as a child before I was got autographs and stuff as well and then but it was I would say in my opinion it'd be from the easiest would be the cheerleading to the life drawing to the mascot to the sketch easiest to hardest as in your I think the comedy was hard because it's it's it was it was like it was hard it was hard it looks I think it's easy to say it's easier now but beforehand that was not easy you made it look easy is what I'd say but in terms of yeah it depends how you rate it in terms of embarrassment things like Crouchy having a go out holding a player's hand is and went massive online so I would argue out of you know four forfeits there that one was the equivalent of three.

26:00Problem is, it's all subjective. It's maybe a more, a more global embarrassment. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because it kind of went everywhere. It's like when I did that golf shot at St. George's Hill and someone's filmed it. I mean, I think we were on like 15 million people watched that. Do you know what we should do? I had 15 million people who laughed fully at me. Yeah. Not with me at all. Fully at me. Hey, now that's been done, And I think of things like that. And I think, do you know what? If we wanted a video to like go massive to advertise the pod, right? We'd put a little sign behind or whatever we want in the background there.

26:38And I'd pretend to film you from distance. And you, I don't know. Ball something up. Yeah, ball something up. It's an easy. It's an easy win. It's an easy win. I feel like you're cheating the system there. It's like, you know, you see the fake ones who get on You've Been Framed sometimes. And you're like, they've just stole 250 there. They're probably doing that multiple times. Yeah. It's a couple of grand a week. I was that guy. Have you done that? I saved up my money to get a camcorder and I convinced my parents that I'll get the money back from You've Been Framed. And so in Pinner Memorial Park, I was trying to cheat the system.

27:12Sadly, never paid off. Yeah, but yeah. 250 quid at age 15. Fuck me. I'm not sure that's even true, you know. No one got paid. Well, like, I think it's a racket. Your theory. Your conspiracy theory is that you've been framed was a gang. I think it's a racket. Racket. It's a mafia. 100%. Harry Hill, they're all in on it. Beedle. Beedle. Beedle started it. Start with Beedle. Harry found out so he got brought in. 100%. Harry then took the gig, didn't he? Yeah, 100%. He was getting 50 of the 250 quid. You send it and say, yeah, yeah, you get that in the post. Like, no. nah nah did you notice with you being framed inflation never affected the episode 250 from the 80s 250 in the 80s is massive that's why they weren't paying it 100 % and then like they probably just it's not sustainable no it's not not that many people surely not many people are watching it because how many clips are being shown 250 every second boom boom AI killed that show has killed that show imagine trying to sense check videos getting sent into your phone seriously whoa whoa no way whoa he's whoa James very quickly talk us through the video what was was he a real baby or was he no was it no he was yeah was it genuine yeah there we are 250 250 there we are I'm not buying it.

28:55Not buying it. Nope. All right. Edward Kyle. Should the Premier League implement a bonus point for winning a game four plus goals to stop teams shutting up shop at 1-0, 2-0? I ask, as a Man United fan, sick of sitting back after going a goal up. Well, this is what we do. We had the foresight to do this on our podcast. If you go for that level of goals, you get a bonus point. I like it. Yeah. I love it. You prefer the carrot over the stick approach. I suppose the opposite of this is to go, if you win a game 1-0, 2-0, you only get two points rather than three. Guaranteed entertainment, no? Surely you're guaranteed.

29:34You have to play for the goals at the end if you're winning. It's brilliant. Well, if you're 2-0 up. So you're saying you've got to get to four, right? So if you're 3-0 up, you're still going for it. Yeah, you have to. Great. Love it. I'd be happy with 3-0 though. I think three goals for a team to win is fine for me. I agree. Three goals, three points yeah I suppose that would ban the Olays wouldn't it Olay Olay a points per goal yeah for the winning team oh interesting can you imagine on the final day like you're seven points behind you've got to go for 8-0 you've got to go for it lads oh mate what about just the final day is goals per point like just mate that would seriously be some game that it's already exciting anyway isn't it?

30:21Imagine you had that like potential for someone to go and score five goals and win a league. But then it still means defensively like it doesn't that doesn't necessarily I'm just working this out in my head very quickly it doesn't prejudice against defensive teams as well. You can't even make the argument there that's just attacking like because these defensive teams killing off other teams will mean they only they're less points ahead and like a consistent stoke at a point in time for example would still do well in that league I think. yeah intriguing good question they bring everyone else down we'd have to do the mask but it's a great idea I love that okay Owen Lala ooh na na Owen's his name

31:10okay Crouchy sold his flash car on the day the day after Roy Keane gave him a look at red light Chris and Sid what's the most expensive thing you've owned that Keane would have shamed you into selling great question great question I've got one as well I bought a my first professional pay packet talked about this before I bought a gold bangle from Lakeside I think it was H Samuel or something from Lakeside I paid 300 quid for my first professional contract my first purchase was a gold bangle round my wrist and got home my dad went fuck is that and I went my gold bangle that I bought from H. Samuel and he was like get that off and never wear it again and I just unclipped it never to be seen again put it in the drawer and never never wore it again one day it lasted oh Joe what I would probably say it was for me it would be pretty similar to you it wasn't a car but it would be when I was at Chelsea myself Sean Wright Phillips Bridgie Didier Drogba and I think who was the other one there was five of us we all bought Harleys and then we converted the back into a trike so we took the back wheel off and put two wheels on the back because you could drive that on a car licence but obviously you're still you have to learn how to ride a motorbike and mine was like electric blue and I can see myself now putting up at the lights Roy and Roy just giving the have a look at this the stare the death stare I remember because there wasn't that in the papers I saw you boys we've done charity rides yeah I saw you boys with those trikes yeah Jose Mourinho he loved them did he?

33:10we used to ride him into training ground a couple of times he'd come out with his clipboard before training he'd jump on one and he'd be like to the boys He's like pretending because you can sit in the car park. So you should drive them to training? Yeah. And do you know what the bad thing is as well? He didn't have to wear a helmet. Really? Yeah. Pretty crazy, really. It's tricky, this question for me because I'm trying to think what Keane would really disapprove of. I got, I was traveling a lot with DJing. There was a point in time where it was just, it was every, it was three times a week sort of thing.

33:45and I wanted to find a decent neck pillow. Right?

33:55And what I... Already unacceptable. I'm sorry if you're a neck pillow wearer. My God. They are unacceptable. You've got to see the one I got. Shut up. So there was the classic one you'd get on the plane, you know, and they never really worked. I don't think they're comfortable at all. I've had them on. My daughter has them sometimes. Then there's one called Turtle, and it's hard to explain. It sort of wraps around and wedges so it doesn't fall away, and you sort of have your neck on. And it was good, but I still feel like I'm just resting on my shoulder a bit. It is really good, though. It's comfy.

34:34And then I purchased an ostrich head pillow thing, travel pillow. Google it it's now the idea of this is when you can't afford first class these are a bit more expensive but it feels like you're in your own little first class zone what is it? around your head what is it here? so that oh

35:06well I mean it looks it looks to me no you did not It looks to me You did For the audio listener It looks to me like Someone shoved a Like a Christmas turkey On the top of your head A Christmas turkey You just put that Yeah Are you telling me How is that comfortable It's so comfortable mate But you still You still haven't got You still got a bad neck No it's so comfortable Because the thing Is so cushioned And as I say It feels like You're in your own First class cabin It's What's the top What are the holes for Up here It's like your body's in economy and your head's in first quarter. No way. What a quote.

35:48Jesus Christ. Them holes are for you to put your arms in. Put your arms in there. So then you put your arms in the two circles at the top and then place your head down onto the... Phenomenal. Right, order one of these. We need to try that. I'm actually on a flight on Tuesday. I'll send you a snap. I'll send you a snap right so if I just put that on do you reckon like obviously you're going to get attention shortly no one will be able to see your face though no one will know it's you that could be the way forward alright well please give it a go you'll know it's really hard to explain can I get this on Amazon do you reckon yeah yeah yeah 100 % alright but until you've experienced that you haven't and that's how you travel well listen boys I'm going to buy one and I'm going to go on a flight on Tuesday and I'll send you a picture.

36:39Please don't. I will. Please. Right. Lance Bailey. My issue with you is when you're sat in the plane you're already quite tall, aren't you? Yeah. It's the only thing you have to be aware of is everyone behind is watching you basically insert your head into it. You're right. It looks like... No, I'm going to have to walk onto the plane with it.

37:02Oh, this is the best. What do you think of it? You like it? If you have a slight issue you'll have to take it off because obviously I don't have to look at my passport before I go on the plane. Yeah, unless your passport photo has it on. Phenomenal. Okay, Lance Bailey says, Chris, is Johnny Knoxville the most famous person to touch your ball? So far, yeah. Did he genuinely touch it? It's only him and my wife who've touched the fake. I suppose, yeah. This was on the radio, wasn't it? Yeah, have we talked about it? So Johnny Knoxville was on the show. I've been watching it. I saw it. Yeah, he was on the show and he's doing a bit in the new Jackass.

37:41There's a new Jackass that's come out and the one stunt he's wanted to do for years involves a mate of his who's got a fake bollet, a fake nut, a fake testicle, sorry, like me. And he was telling us about this stunt that he wanted to do. Tricky to talk about that on Breakfast Radio, but we make it work. and yeah it's a good show capital give it a listen if you get no I listen I do every morning I do you know I was listening to that girl who's going up the cutting sark today yeah yeah I was there yeah yeah I was she'll be thrilled yeah that was for charity anyway unconnected to that Johnny Knoxville was on the show and telling him about his mate and I happen to say look I've got a prosthetic testicles as well.

38:36And he wanted, he was like, can I touch it? I was, I thought, unbelievable. Never did I think. And you do a lot of weird things that I would have Johnny Knoxville asking if he can touch my testicle. And I naturally, just absolutely yes. Absolutely yes. And so he did. He put his hand down my trousers and did that. And was very complimentary. He really felt good. Regards to the surgeon. It's just, regards, yeah. Thank you. It's a good job. I don't know why now I've got in my head that if I ever have surgery, that just before I go under, Pete's there in his scrubs. Just like a foyer. Just see Pete in the corner just as I'm zoning off.

39:23Surgery crashes.

39:27Just in the corner like that. You could be the comfort. You could be the one next to him just stroking the hair. she goes to sleep my child that's going to be a fever dream isn't it everyone's going to be dreaming tonight of Pete and Scrubs with an ostrich pillow on his head oh well okay oh well listen Mark Davis says if you had to pick one former teammate to be your solicitor if you were arrested tonight who are you trusting with your freedom and who are you absolutely refusing because somehow you'd end up with a longer sentence yeah that's a great question I'd throw someone like James Milner in there nice to be my sister thorough yeah no stone unturned not with Millie the court case would rumble on for years I mean he would he wouldn't he wouldn't get a taxi there he would run there run to court with his backpack on with all the notes yeah Millie yeah would you I would go I don't know I I think Gareth Barry would be a good one I think only because quite often we would have a few beers when I was at Villa and myself and Henders would always get pulled in on the Monday like oh we heard you did this and that and you'd think Gareth never ever ever was involved in that and I think I remember one time me and Lee Hendry were speaking to Graham Taylor and he said you know I've heard you you went out and stuff like that and he said why can't you be more like Gareth Barry and I wanted to say he was fucking with us but I didn't want to throw him in the home before him.

41:01Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can imagine him in the wig as well, can't you? Gareth Barry, Casey. Or QC, Casey. Yeah. QC. Sort of imagine that. No, I think that's a perfect shot. I think he'd be good. I think he'd be good. James Milner and Gareth Barry represent. Who would you not like? I think Jermaine Pennant would struggle. He was a smile on mine. I think he would... He'd turn up on the wrong day. Potentially, yeah. He'd rock up the day after. I think Grealish would go wrong with it. I think he would he would try and bring a laugh to proceedings which wouldn't go down well in court I reckon do you know what I mean yeah okay we've got one here from Stu Morris I like it when they give their full name it's like regards to family I'm Stu Morris yeah hi Crouchy Sids and Starkey massive fan of the pod been listening since the beginning keep up the great work I'd be interested to get your thoughts on RefCam personally I quite simply cannot get on board with it I get that sometimes it can be good to see a replay of the goal from an on-pitch perspective.

42:01But what I don't need is to see a close-up of a player's sweaty bonts while they're complaining about a bad decision. I'm not having it. Is the game gone? I've got thoughts on it. I quite like it. I quite like it. When you see like an absolute banger, you know, like from right behind, literally right behind the player. Yeah. So they have a ball rolling out and you see the ping and it go into the net. Yeah. I like the perspective of ground level. Yeah. It feels like you're kind of almost back there. See the pace of the game and... POV. Yeah, a little bit of a POV. Yeah. I think he's agreeing with that.

42:39He just doesn't like the arguing. He doesn't like the sweaty heads up to the... Yeah. I think you're right. It's a great angle of the goals. I think it's sometimes a little bit odd because naturally the ref then has to monitor the celebration. So it always looks like the ref's peeling off to celebrate with the players, which is probably a downside to it. you see them pick up pace and run towards you know like was there not one the other day where they said what a strike was it was it recently yeah what a goal that was I'm sure it was wasn't it it was you get commentary as well wow you get commentary as well it's fair enough they're allowed an opinion aren't they on the goal I mean I like it I like it because sometimes you get players that run up and they're like like their hands then you get the ones that run up and their hands go on their back and they come in sort of Even the angle of the play, I get what you're saying because the angle of the play sometimes looks a bit like, you know like Francis the train guy where he's got that camera.

43:33Yeah, it does look a bit like that. It's like you're looking at me like that. Yeah, yeah. Fish eye. Fish eye lens or whatever it is. It's a bit like what, have you ever done that thing where you look like what your missus would look at you, what she sees? Oh no. Have you ever? Where are we going? No, but that is a bit like what it is. What your missus sees? And it's horrendous. I never thought about that. Do it right now. Crouchy, get your phone out. Get your phone out. Get your phone out. Well, you can... Yeah, yeah, put it on selfie mode. Shut up. I've just got my phone. Can I do it with yours?

44:06After. Please do it with mine.

44:12Okay, right. So... So why have I got to be on top? Yeah. What, are you just literally on top? Yeah. Fucking hell. Oh, Jesus. It's not good is it? It's not Jesus

44:30Oh my god Look at that

44:37Why are you going Why are you doing it that way? Why are you doing it that way?

44:45Get that out of here Get that That is such a weird game what a weird oh I'm playing this at the pub on Saturday

44:57do you reckon anyone's like has anyone ever done that is that what kind of a game is that I don't know I'm not sure so you could film that right and actually see what the what you look like and you could improve it you could make improvements you could make improvements

45:24I purposely I purposely didn't press any buttons that was going to be that was going to be my ammo for the lads trip I can't I can't jeez I just can't get over that Jesus whoa fuck me I don't think I'm going to burn through it anymore

45:48well have a good couple of days mate I'm right in the mood for it now I wish I was going now I'm ready to go oh well you know what I mean there'll be a hell of a lot more football probably on next week's podcast but it was really enjoyable wasn't it so much to come out of this one and excited for the ostrich pillow yeah we mark that down the ostrich pillow I'll send you a photo on Tuesday and good luck with your golf trip, mate. Oh, thank you. Enjoy it by being disciplined. Well, let's all be Tom Swarbrick. Right, lads, shall we get into the Paddy Power League?

46:29This next part of the podcast is supported by Paddy Power. We've got our football league, lads. This is a remote record for the Paddy Power section because I'm actually in Norway, believe it or not. I'm in the fjords. Oh. sounds good is it lovely is it nice oh mate it is genuinely unbelievable look I've got a little let me see what I can show you right I'm kind of in a bedroom here but can you see there they are oh look at that yeah look at that out of the bedroom window beautiful it's got a lake is that a big lake or a river what is that it's huge it's huge oh you're actually on it wow we're literally on it yeah so I'm going to do a bit of fishing got a little bit of time yeah it's you know bizarrely I just met Tor Andre Flo as well of course and Eric Bakker Eric Bakker were they meeting you at the airport what what do you know what so Eric Bakker's the manager of the local club here Sonial Sonial I'm definitely pronouncing that wrong but Sonial and yeah it's a top I just went to the stadium had a look around and Eric Bakker's the manager and Torandre Flo who genuinely was kind of my hero so like my dad used to make me watch he was like look he's a tall fella that kind of looked a little bit like me who had good feet he could play and I was like fuck that it's a little bit like me so I kind of tried to model my he was a big interracial for me Torandre Flo used to watch him play at Chelsea and yeah so I was a bit I was a little bit starstruck today at the ground.

48:17I can imagine they was as well. It's not often that they probably see Peter Crouch local. Well, yeah. Well, I watched the reserves were trained at the stadium, so I had a little sit down and watched them. You know, Ab was in her element. She was just absolutely buzzing. We just landed in Norway. I dragged her to the local club to meet Tor Andre, Flo and Eric Bakker. She just couldn't believe it. She's just having the time of her life. She's living the dream. And I see you're on a, am I right in seeing you're on the Fat Holes already? Oh, I'm on the Fat Holes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight in with the Hansa Fat Holes.

48:52Beautiful. They're lovely. It's a local, local, local, local beer. Very nice. Beautiful. Are you boys okay? No, really. Oh, Chris, come on, talk to us. What's happened? Mate, I, uh. it's on the free Portugal trip when I last spoke to you boys I think I fired a couple of things into the WhatsApp group I ended up in Villamora so Crouchy on WhatsApp ended up being a bit of a tour guide for various places I should visit in the Algarve and you went to all the places that I didn't recommend

49:39it's what a place what a place it's unbelievable

49:46and then uh i got back last night i'm completely brought to the radio first in this morning i got back at heathrow airport about midnight and i stood by a bell well is it is it's not pharaoh is it's uh farrow farrow farrow yeah um so they say belt four for the flight in from farrow so i'm stood there and i went over to the customer services like my golf bag hasn't arrived i'm thinking no not now i've got to be up for the radio in like four hours from that point oh no and i stood there and stood there all the bags went all these people came all the bags were left and the bag wasn't there anyway i've been stood by the wrong belt for for two hours turns out i was stood by the faro whatever it is flight that had arrived four hours before oh no nightmare stupid school boys school boys i don't do this enough so so hold on so did you did you go to the right belt and your bag was there so you've got your clubs and your bag i've got them now yeah So you wait for two hours for no reason, basically.

51:01Yeah, exactly that. Boys, basically, I'm broken. At the time of recording this, I just desperately need some sleep.

51:11Lads, before we get into the best league in the world, I've just got to let you know about the flight. Previously, in this podcast, we talked about the ostrich head. Chris, you mentioned to me that there was a fantastic way of going to sleep on the plane. I thought I'd try it out. I did purchase it as soon as we finished. and then obviously I've flown out, you know, this is a couple of days later we're recording this. I purchased the ostrich head, didn't tell Abby what I was doing. She sat down next to me, unaware, and I was, it was a very busy flight. So I put on the ostrich head just as everyone was boarding, had it on and...

51:50Whilst you're boarding? Well, no, so I was sat down but everyone else was boarding still, right? So everyone's walking past. I've got to. She's going, she's going, what are you doing? Like, get that off. People are looking. Which is exactly, which is exactly what I wanted because no one could see me. They could only see her. Yeah, brilliant. Really enjoyed it actually. I've actually, we got, I made Abby video it. So, but the only way I was going to take it off was if she videoed me so I could send it to you boys. I think, I believe, J.M., have we got the video? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

52:36It's a little spoiler.

52:44Unbelievable.

52:49Crouchy, it solves all your problems. You just want to tuck yourself away for yourself on a Friday. You've got it sorted. It's there to go. It's fantastic, honestly. I thought I'd give it a try. I'm so pleased. Ah, so funny. Can we just give it a review? Like, was it, you know, did it work for both ways? Did it work for, you know, keeping yourself obscure? And what was the comfort level like? Did you feel like you were in first class? Yeah, as you pointed out, you know, economy on the legs and first class on the face. It was perfection. I mean, the head was so well-rested. I'll be honest with you, the neck, yeah, I don't know.

53:33I'm not sure, but as long as you're lying up against something. So if you, I would recommend a window seat. So a window seat, you can just lie on the window really, really comfortable. It's like a pillow. Really nice. Backwards and on the side. I was in the aisle seat and I don't recommend that. bear in mind this has all come from one of our listeners remember who sent a message saying you know what's the most expensive thing i think it was that boy keen would disapprove of the most expensive thing but it is it is an extravagant luxury on the face of it you buy an ostrich head to travel instead of just the normal travel but boys i think we should start selling them you know i think there's going to be a huge spike in ostrich heads without doubt listen I enjoyed it it's five stars from me okay let's all get one good alright moving on to the best league in the world I'm struggling I really am struggling Sid you've killed me you've got a three point you said one all Man United Spurs for some reason when the two teams came out Liverpool Man City and I looked at the start of 11 of City and the bench I kind of thought what on earth have I gone for here it was it was a terrible decision from me you got a point there we all got a point we all thought man we all thought Arsenal would beat Leeds Chris again you know you surely must be on the Stony Beach now you got a three pointer in the in the 2-1 Arsenal-Leeds game which leaves me languishing on 10 points Sid's on 13 and Starkey on the Stony Beach with 20 points I absolutely love what the boys did on Instagram so when they put up our predictions make sure you give us a follow on Instagram if you're not so far, put the predictions up just before the weekend so you can sort of follow along with them, they always try and match the song with something we've talked about so probably this week it'll be ostrich related or something like that, they always find a way and it was that song you know, on the beach what a song good play from the lads living the dream boys at the moment I'm living the dream it's fantastic do you actually know what as well your original prediction for that game was 4-0 and you changed it to 2-1 I know you changed it at the last minute I know I've got to rein it in though haven't I the thing is it's not going to be pretty this league I think with Man City you made the same mistake I did Crouchy which is we got wrapped up in the drama of everything yeah I know That was so stupid.

56:17As if, like, I keep forgetting I've been in dressing rooms and dressing rooms actually don't care one bit. Do they? No, seriously. Like, we go, oh, my God, I'm getting caught up in all this media, like, frenzy. Like, I'm thinking, if I'm in that dressing room, the city dressing room, like, you just do not, yeah, listen, you know, it's a little bit unsettling. But the minute you go out on the pitch, you look at the two teams, you go, well, there's only one winner here. you know like well I don't know why I was getting caught up in it all it was absolutely ridiculous behaviour for me you know it's a lack of aura isn't it a real lack of aura yeah seriously lack of do you know how many times I've had Rita lack of no aura mate mate someone said it to me in Villa Moira they said Pete's not allowed to hear Villa no aura oh

57:07I don't fancy that catching on at all to be quite honest I was a little bit gutted when I went home and I think I told Abbott and she went yeah yeah I can see that the fact it's all come from Sam Allardyce it's an outrageous it's an outrage Abbott's doubled down she's buzzing she's buzzing with it alright should we get into should we get into this weekend's games let's do it Well, listen, we've got Leeds versus Man United. Leeds are the slight underdogs, even though they're at home. 29-20. United win is 13-8. You've got the draw, obviously, 5-2. Repeat, at last season's meeting was 2-1 Leeds, which is 15-2, which I don't mind.

58:00I don't mind that at all. What do you reckon? Head or heart situation, this one? this is United I mean Tottenham were very good at United on the weekend they should really have won if they were to put their chances away I don't see this being a high scoring game this especially with Leeds as well they can keep a clean sheet

58:26do you want me to go first boys or can do mate

58:32I'm gonna go Leeds win I'm going to say Leeds win 1-0 it's going to be some atmosphere that isn't it it's huge super for the taking there as well you know I was watching I was on what was claimed to be the biggest screen in the Algarve some screen that was by the way I saw that video yeah yeah it was good but But I don't know, man. Tottenham were great. Man United were not great in that first half at all. No. No. And Tottenham should have finished. But that doesn't take away from the fact here that I think under pressure United at the back, you can see Leeds getting a goal. And they did it against Arsenal.

59:34so it's hard it's hard because I think what you're going to say Crouchy United are slight favourites here right well they are yeah but I think the circumstances of it and maybe I'm getting wrapped up in the emotion in a way where I shouldn't I just think Leeds Leeds will win this

59:57I don't know you go first Crouchy okay 2-1 Leeds oh I should have gone first I've took I've took his missionary off him I'll go I'll go Man United 2-1 win oh god this is yeah Man United he's turned it round Man United 2-1 alright lovely lovely listen Brighton versus Palace is next Sid you take us away you're the expert on this one well Hove FC they're flying absolutely flying I cannot believe I've just called the Brighton. See? Let me start that again. All right. Hove Albion versus Crystal.

1:00:44Okay. Let's Brighton are flying, aren't they? Great start to the season. Palace on the weekend. Do you know what? I've watched their game against Forest. How they won that game was unbelievable. Forest absolutely battered them. Battered them. bit of a rivalry with this one we all know that it's down at Brighton I can't see anything than a Brighton win there lads I know Palace will be up for the game but I just can't see past Brighton or Hove Albion or Hove FC well I went I went first last time so go on you boys go go on Chris you were last I'm going to go 2-1 Hove win ok I'm going to go for a 3-0 Hove

1:01:353-0 on 2-1 was that yes oh ok I'll go 2-0 Brian 2-0 Hove 2-0 to Hove alright lads moving on to Everton versus Chelsea now I love watching Chelsea I have to say I enjoy watching them this season Everton are unbeaten though certainly at home a different proposition too many draws probably but still not a bad start from them. Don't know where you see it. They've got goals, haven't they? I mean, it is exciting. And did you see, did I see Cole Palmer introduce the fact he's got a new contract on a live stream? It was a slight Games Gone situation, Crouchy. He's on Twitch or something. And just sped it out.

1:02:27Yeah, it's quite a bit. I saw Dele Alli actually calling Harry Kane on Twitch. Seems to be the way the modern day player communicates. I half expect you to pop up on that at some point. Don't rule it out, Chris. Or why don't we do a preemptive, next time we're in the Chumba one bar, should we do a preemptive call to Dele Alli? Because I assume it works two ways, this thing. Yeah, so we can just, if he's online, and we can just twitch him up we can twitch him up that's how it goes that's how it goes do you think some core admin somewhere though they're planning some big reveal of this contract announcement you know he just banged it out he just he says it in such a nonchalant way as well eight years as well by the way what kind of do you know eight year contract that's games gone what happened to the bog standard like you're doing really well here's four years you know what I mean what happened what happened to that I don't know it's just eight years ten years early Highland I take it I wouldn't be complaining I'd be taking it all day I'm sure I'm sure they've both done really really well but it just seems mad doesn't it eight ten years Highland signed yeah do you think so look that's ten let's say ten years right and I assume this is around spreading payments and all that I don't know how it works I don't want to financial fair play isn't it yeah so 10 years do you think we're ever going to is it going to be like inflation we're going to get a 20 year contract at some point getting dropped by I don't know like for fuck's sake I don't know it's mental isn't it fuck me I'll just be pleased to stay alive in 10 years if I'm alive in 10 years I'll be absolutely over the moon you get a bonus you get a bonus in your contract for staying alive loyalty bonus

1:04:42okay so back to the game Chelsea they are flying aren't they Cole Palmer's obviously really good on the weekend Jordan Henderson how about them two guys superb brilliant did you see did you see the free kick that he did in training and then exactly like that's what it's all about isn't it you know when you do something in training like that I love the story of Cole Palmer that will run there when you score and just the faith in him he had we're really pleased for Jordan as well there was an element of a badge something to do with a badge I'm going to let him off for now because I like him and I know him I just like to say like you know maybe don't do that again yeah on the first game on the first whatever that one I don't know I don't know obviously there's a lot of excitement we'll give Rob past this time Julian what do you think Crouch you go first Chelsea yeah okay I think it's a bit difficult game this but I don't know I fancy Chelsea unfortunately I think I think Chelsea will get this I think 3-1 I think they'll score goals I think Chelsea will win 3-1 okay Chris it's tricky because I think after what we saw last weekend I think there are naturally you'd assume there's going to be a lot of goals but I don't what am I trying to say I think it'll be a bit narrower so I'm going to have to go sensible here and I'm sorry but I need to keep this going so I'm going to go I think I'm going to go Chelsea 2-0

1:06:19in my heart I've got 2-1 and I've got 2-2 here 2-1 and 2-2 I want to go for 2-2 lovely I want to go for 2-2 2-2 draw well that concludes this week's games odds are correct at the time of recording please gamble responsibly before we go lads we've got a why the football not we've got one from Nat here who says at uni I went to view a house for the following year. I was hoping to have a quick look around and get back in time for the second half of Sundance vs Arsenal. When I arrived, the lad, currently living there, had the game streaming on his laptop. So instead of viewing the house, I sat down and watched the rest of a match with a complete stranger.

1:07:08I can't remember what the bedrooms looked like, how much the rent was, or whether the shower worked, but I got to watch the second half and seemed to remember the guy was pretty sound. Why the football not? How could that? I do like that imagine going to view a house and sit down and end up watching the match I genuinely think that's only football that can bring you together like that yeah that's how to sell a house isn't it reminds me of a mate who I won't name but he does listen to this podcast so I know he'll hear this and he's an estate agent and he will book in fake viewings of a house so he can sit there and use their sky big screen nice that's phenomenal that's phenomenal so he's so hold on so he's booked a viewing that hasn't happened the guys have given him the keys he knows they're not there and he just just watches the match in his suit and everything it's cheating he's got the whistle on he's got the whistle on

1:08:24that's one of the best I've ever heard that is genuinely it's absolutely genius why the football nut why the football nut oh my god can't beat that one superb just one final thought Crouchy the whole time I've been recording this obviously you're in Norway slightly different set up but occasionally in the background there's some sort of artwork which makes it look like you've got some sort of of ears going on. That one there. Yeah. Suits you there. It's a nice look. It's a halo. It's cute. Thanks, mate. I'm going to get a rat ass now and look at the fjords. Go on then. Enough fishing. Enjoy the fishing.

1:09:01I will do, boys. Listen, always a pleasure to talk to you. Take it easy. See you later, lads. I'm off to bed. See you. See you, boys.