Stephan Speaks on HEALING Before Love: Why TIMING Matters in Relationships | Stephan Speaks EP 681

0:03Hey everyone, this is Lewis Howes and I am so excited to invite you to the Summit of Greatness 2024 for happening at the iconic Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California. This is more than just an event. It's a powerful experience designed to ignite your passion, boost your growth, and connect you with a community of other inspiring achievers. Join us Friday, September 13th, and Saturday, September 14th for two days packed with inspiration and transformation from some of the most incredible speakers on the planet. Don't miss out on this chance to elevate your life, unlock your potential, and be part of something truly special.

0:38Make sure to get your tickets right now and step into greatness with us at the Summit of Greatness 2024. Head over to lewishouse.com slash tickets and get your tickets today and I will see you there. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

1:02What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry or just instant like, wow, there's something different feeling. And both have not healed their past, but they stay together. They figure it out and they're together. Is there going to be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship? or can they heal in the relationship together? First, let me say that people have to understand there is the such thing as right person, wrong time. All right? People don't want to believe that. There are a lot of people who reject that idea.

1:37They say, oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person. That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with, but both parties still need growth before they can come together. It is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again, most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person. They'll sabotage it so much. They'll dive in, but then they'll cheat or they won't respond to the person. They'll do something, right?

2:13Yes, and speaking of cheating, they tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer because it's not as vulnerable over there, all right? I can maintain more emotional control. It's familiar, so it's easier. So, I've seen plenty of situations where, again, the connection was so overwhelming, so they ran back to their ex. No one did not, they're not for, the ex is not for them and they're not for their ex, but again, it just feels safer there. So, yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed and you have this connection. It would be best to acknowledge, okay, you know what?

2:51We got some work we need to do. We realize we have a connection here. Let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step. Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun on the side? I'm not going to say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Sex is such a distracting thing. and we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama. There can be, hell, an unwanted pregnancy. There can be a host of things and all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing.

3:35Like the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol. People turn to these things because they don't want to deal with their reality in life. So you've got to be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions? Or is it just, if it's happening in a natural flow of life, okay, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this, but you got to be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off if you're trying to heal. You know, again, I don't want to say it's impossible, but you're going to make it extremely difficult and highly unlikely. For sure.

4:07I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days, the do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone. You shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed or at least started the process of healing because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully, but at least acknowledging and starting that process, what would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating? So of course, going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do.

4:48You typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach and therapist is going to help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've got to be real careful about, okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal.

5:23Now, of course, you know, I'm big on healing. So I have my book, Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the exact steps to healing. So one of the steps, I'll give you the first step, getting the hurt out in front of you. So it's this who hurt me list. And so you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me, and you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? And now everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. and so now you put them on the paper and like two sentences of what they did to hurt you.

5:54This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding on to and where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed. And then from there, we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing. I love that.

6:18Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:08Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.