ADHD Rejection Sensitivity: Why Rejection Can Feel So Personal | Alex Partridge

25:31Alex Partridge:I thought it was that. I thought it was simply a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by traits of impulsivity, forgetfulness, and disorganization. And they're certainly there, and we can go into that. But what I discovered about ADHD since speaking to over 300 experts on this chair is that what ADHD really is truly shocked me. And that's that children with ADHD are exposed to 20 ,000 extra micro rejections in their formative years. 20 ,000 comments such as, why are you so lazy? You're too much. Stop being so emotional. You're too dramatic. Stop fidgeting. Stop biting your nails. You're so weird.

26:22Alex Partridge:Why are you doing it like that, sit down, be normal, calm down. All of these little things, even a non-verbal rejection like an eye roll. And they compound, they add up to create an adult with ADHD who suffers from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And it causes extreme emotional pain when you are criticised or rejected as an adult. A tiny comment, like a friend saying they're too busy to see you, can trigger a complete nervous system collapse that feels like you're being attacked. And what it means is, you can't do anything unless it's perfect. You'll stay up all night to complete that piece of work to such a high standard, because the idea of your boss making even a tiny correction to it when you hand it in is too painful.

27:18Alex Partridge:You'll stay in the office four hours later than everyone else. You'll have an intense fear of disappointing people, which turns you into a people pleaser. You will sacrifice your own wants and needs in order to satisfy the wants and needs of other people. And because of that, you will suffer in silence because you don't want to be a burden to anyone. You don't want to let anyone down. Or you will avoid difficult conversations because over the years, your nervous system has learned that it feels safer to avoid the uncomfortable conversation. So you won't apply for that promotion, or you'll continue to let that friend walk over you, or you'll stay in that abusive relationship, or you'll sign bad business disagreements, because the idea of saying no is too painful.

28:09Alex Partridge:Rejection sensitivity dysphoria, if you don't understand it, is debilitating, is dangerous, and I think it's the most exhausting and underspoken about aspect of ADHD. And as my awareness of it has gone up, I see its effects all around me. As part of my sobriety, Jolene, I mentioned I attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And I share this story with absolute permission, and I've changed her name. I was in a meeting a few months ago, and a lady put her hand up and said, my name is Bethany. I'm an alcoholic. I had been sober for seven years, but last weekend, I relapsed. And she said that last weekend, she was at work Friday afternoon, ready to clock off for the weekend.

28:59And her email pinged, and it was from her boss.

29:03Alex Partridge:And the email said, Bethany, have a lovely weekend. Can we have a chat on Monday morning? And that's all it said. She instantly, she said, filled with catastrophic thoughts, such as everyone in the office has tolerated me all this time. Everyone hates me. And I am definitely going to get fired on Monday morning. The instant spiral was intense. And she said the only thing that she thought would soothe that emotional pain was wine. And she went home, she drove home via the shop, got two bottles of wine, got absolutely drunk Friday night. She drank again Saturday and she didn't sleep Sunday night.

29:43Alex Partridge:And she went into work Monday morning, trembling. She opened her boss's office with a shaking hand. She sat down, looked up at their eyes and the boss said, Bethany, I would like to offer you a promotion. And it just shows in the absence of context and clarity, the ADHD, RSD, rejection sensitivity, it will jump to the worst case scenario. In any form of ambiguity, it will assume Armageddon. Your world is coming to an end because your nervous system has been trained to expect it around every corner. It's truly, truly devastating. to. Anytime we talk about rejection sensitivity dysphoria, there's always someone who says, it's not in the DSM, therefore it's not real.

30:32What would you say to that?

30:34Alex Partridge:There's a lot of stuff that hasn't been in medical scientific studies and records at the time that it was clear that it existed. You go back in time to the 70s where people were struggling because they couldn't function properly using their right hand. And they were getting beaten at school because they couldn't write correctly or neatly with their right hand. And there was no record of it being even a possibility that left-handedness could be a thing. Kids were literally getting beaten because they couldn't write in the quote-unquote normal way. I don't think in the absence of a scientific study or the inclusion of a trait in the DSM-5 is proof of its absence in reality.

31:19Alex Partridge:I think often we see the opposite happening. All you have to do is look at the awareness of ADHD in women and how in the grand scheme of time, it's woefully delayed in how quickly the other versions of the DSM caught up to that. So many women were being told when they went to their doctors with issues with overwhelm and anxiety and procrastination and an inability to regulate their emotions or hold down a job or maintain friendship groups or suffer in relationships, and they were told that they were just being too dramatic or just they should thought their lives out or they're just too anxious, there's something wrong with them.

32:03Alex Partridge:And in fact, they had ADHD all along. If your ADHD feels different across your cycle, postpartum, or in perimenopause, ADHD in Women explains why hormones can change your brain and what you can do about it. Pre-order now and for a limited time, get the first chapter audio read by me, Dr. Jolene Brighton, for free. Plus a bunch of other bonuses like a free recipe guide and a PMDD workshop. Claim your bonuses at drbrighton.com slash ADHD and women. That's D-R-B-R-I-G-H-T-E-N dot com slash ADHD and women. Honey, what are you listening to? Your teen might not share everything with you, but teens share everything with each other.

32:51And certain everyday behaviors like sharing food, drinks or kisses could mean sharing bacteria that can cause meningococcal disease known as meningitis. Although meningitis is uncommon, about one in 10 who develop it will die. Ask your teen's doctor about missing meningitis vaccinations. Learn more at meningitis.com. Vaccination may not protect all recipients. Sponsored by GSK.

33:13Alex Partridge:And for years that wasn't included. any form of DSM or diagnostic manual, people are getting misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders. I think sometimes you have to look at lived experience and recognize that often lived experience is ahead of the scientific literature. Because otherwise, if you look at it from the other way around, we're going to see a continuation of generations of people, often women, be let down. Mm-hmm. And you're exactly right. And I think people who do not understand science and medicine will always jump to the conclusion that if medicine hasn't recognized it yet, it's not real.

33:49But what they don't realize is that the only way we know what to study is by listening and to observing people. So when enough people say, I'm experiencing these symptoms synonymous with RSD, we need to get curious about that. Then the research comes. And it's only after the research is done that then clinical practice begins to shape. Unfortunately, in the United States, 17 years. Research is done in 17 years before clinical practice will actually change. You know, I often use the example of PMDD. So as a teenager, I get my period, and I don't understand why I have turned into a suicidal mess overnight.

34:27And it's coming month after month after month. And I'm told, oh, well, the only thing we have for you is birth control pills, which I went on for my period pain, made the PMDD so much worse. I mean, at one point, I seriously contemplated not being here anymore. That wasn't even recognized until I was an adult. This is a diagnosis that only in the last handful of years has gotten an ICD code. So that's the diagnosis code to diagnose it. And people will say, well, it's not real because pharma influenced it. Yes, pharma did influence it, all of that. But my experience was still real. There was no name for it at the time.

35:09You know, extreme PMS, like you could call it whatever you wanted. Then the term PMDD started to come around and women were like, that's me. This explains it. It makes so much sense. And then finally, the diagnosis is caught up to and even still, many practitioners will say, that's not real. That's just you being too much, being too dramatic. and it's no coincidence that it rides along ADHD and autism. And so I think it's really important that we kind of set the stage as we go further in this conversation with this because if you're someone who resonates with all of those great examples that you gave and you're met with, that's not a real condition, that doesn't change.

35:50Medicine doesn't have to acknowledge you for you to say, this is a real experience for me. So I want to ask you, you talked about, you know, this trusting of yourself. How did you start to cultivate that? With also, you know, you were battling a lot of things. So there is this awareness of alcoholism, awareness of, okay, this ADHD. My nervous system tends to be a lot more sensitive. And then you went through this major trauma. I would call it a trauma. Having someone steal your company as an entrepreneur. These are your children, right? Like you care and you nurture for and you put the energy in like you would for your child.

36:32So having gone through all of that, how were you able to actually cultivate the self-trust again?

36:39Alex Partridge:You have to strip back all of the masking and all of the self-erosion that you have done over the years. So when I got the diagnosis, obviously so much made sense. I understood why I was labeled as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I understood why my emotions were very volatile. I understood why most of the tasks and hobbies and businesses that I started in the past had this huge boom phase at the beginning, where I spent a lot of money, or I spent a lot of time, or I stayed up all night designing the logo, and then this crash and this bust. and the huge shame that comes with this cycle of starting projects and then leaving them.

37:25Alex Partridge:But when you get the diagnosis and you actually look in the mirror, I remember looking in the mirror the day after I got the diagnosis, literally looking in the mirror and asking myself, who am I? And I truly don't believe that ADHD is a deficit of attention, despite what the name says. I think ADHD is a woefully inadequate name. I don't think it's a deficit of attention at all. I think when someone with ADHD finds something that truly aligns with who they actually are, deep inside, like underneath the mask, they don't have a deficit of attention towards that thing. I think they often have an abundance of attention towards that thing.

38:05Alex Partridge:You can hyper-focus on something and you can achieve tremendous results in whatever particular field that is that sets your soul on fire. I think ADHD is more a deficit of self-awareness as a consequence of layering up that mask over the years. I think everyone listening will probably have their own version of Fred in their mind and their own start point where they started realizing that they got less negative comments and they were able to fit in and feel less misunderstood when they hid a little bit of themselves. And at first, it's a slow process. You don't necessarily realize the erosion of self as it's happening.

38:46Alex Partridge:I looked in the mirror the day after my diagnosis, and I asked, who am I? And I genuinely had no idea. At that point, that's an emotional moment. And I was 36 when I got diagnosed, and that was a process. I always feel huge empathy for the people who I meet who are in their 60s, 70s. I met one lady who was 97 years old, and she got a diagnosis. And she shared a similar story where she told me she genuinely looked in the mirror after her diagnosis, and she couldn't answer that question. She couldn't answer the question of who she was. She was telling me she had two marriages. She had 16 different jobs.

39:30she moved country four times and she couldn't pinpoint where her identity was but for her she

39:39Alex Partridge:said the the the diagnosis and getting those four letters at least was some kind of closure she said to her in her life because even though she didn't have all the answers it gave her an understanding of why she always felt like there was this disconnect between the version that the world saw of her, which was often this happy, this bubbly, this charismatic, this jovel person that made laughs and jokes, between that and who she felt underneath. And she had an explanation for the loneliness that ate away at her for her whole life. And she said that was the most crippling thing. After all of those years, the world saw a version of her that many people would define as successful, quite extroverted, quite outgoing, quite adventurous.

40:32Alex Partridge:But she was only doing all of these things because she didn't really know what she wanted to do. She said she was just throwing mud at the wall, enough and hoping something would stick, but nothing ever really did. And I was speaking to her at an event, an incredible lady, and she burst into tears in front of me because she didn't know who she was but that wasn't the major issue the major issue was this she felt isolated like she genuinely felt lonely she could be in a busy room at an event like the one i met her at and and feel like no one was speaking to her even though lots of people were speaking to a version of her like she was she was getting approval and interactions and people were hugging her and she was shaking people's hands but she was explaining how that wasn't actually her like the core version of her the inner child really that never had the opportunity to grow up and to and to grow into the woman that she truly was never ever got any interaction from the outside world and that has always been this this running theme throughout her life she said of loneliness that even though she said she might now be too old i disagreed but she said she might be too old now to to cure that loneliness, at least to go for a closure and an explanation for how she had experienced her life.

41:49Yeah, that's beautiful. I appreciate you sharing that. And as you were sharing this, you know, anyone listening, I'd love for you to leave your story in the comments, because I'd love to hear if it's similar and the same. You were sharing this and what came to my mind is thinking about how when I was in university, I've always been great at English. I've authored four books. Writing is very easy for me. But I had an assignment and it was, who are you? And I got an F and it came back. And what my professor said to me is, this is what you do for everyone else. This says nothing about who you are.

42:28And I remember saying, well, I don't know who I am if I'm not showing up and doing things for other people. And she was like, you really need to sit with this. She's like, unless you can turn this paper around, I'm not going to be able to pass this paper because you're telling me this is my job. This is what I do for people. And I'm asking who you are. And I was like, I'm not going to get there. It was a horrible reality. And she was like, well, let me see if I can have some of these other students share their papers with you. You can look at examples. and I remember looking at these examples and being like what does this even mean what does this even mean and and how do they even know this and so as you were you like unlocked that memory for me that you know and it wasn't until my diagnosis both of them so ADHD and autism in my 40s that I was like I just felt like oh it clicks I actually understand how I've not known who I am and actually do know who I am deep underneath this, it's the person that I'm always saying, you're too loud.

43:38You need to talk less. You need to smile more. It's the person that I'm always dictating their behavior to. If I stop telling them what to do and stop pretending they don't exist, then that's who I am. I feel like I'm still figuring it out. It's really weird. It's really weird to be in your 40s and being like, oh my God, like, who am I? And I thought, you know, I thought these things of like, I'm just unlikable. I am annoying. Like, you know, all of these negative things. And it's like, no, I'm not actually any of those things. I have a different operating system and not everybody's going to jive with that.

44:16And that's okay. I want to ask you like at a deeper level, what is going on with RSD? So you talked about the negative inputs that are constantly coming in. What's happening for the ADHD-ers nervous system?

44:31Alex Partridge:You've got two things colliding, essentially. The ADHD brain, well-documented, deficient in many chemicals, dopamine, noradrenaline. The amygdala struggles to regulate emotions. So we have a different start point as it is. We find it very difficult to respond often proportionately or rationalize events and respond proportionately in an emotionally proportionate way. So that's one issue. On top of that, you then, when you are younger, you are a victim of those 20 ,000 extra comments that I mentioned earlier. 20 ,000 horrible comments that remind you that you are different and who you are needs to be hidden.

45:21Alex Partridge:so you take the compounding effects of those 20 000 comments and you put that in a big pot and you stir it in and you mix it in with all of the the deficiencies that we have on top of that inside our adhd brain and really you put it in the oven and the response of the outcome is this catastrophic response to criticism and rejection as an adult. I was speaking to a lady, an incredible lady. She came on the podcast and she was telling me that it's the visceralness of her response. In this case, it was her husband. She was at work. She came home. they were sat at the dinner table and he said one thing he said how was your how was your day today honey and she she perceived that because his tone of voice was fractionally different to how it typically is when he asks that question over the dinner table she perceived that he no longer liked her and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

46:36Alex Partridge:And she said she had so much shame over what happened next. Her reaction that still keeps her awake at night. She said in that moment, she stood up from the dinner table, picked up her plate, and she threw it against the table, smashing her plate against the wall. The spaghetti bolognese went all over the place. And she said, I want a divorce. And she looked down at the husband and she screamed this at him. And he was completely flabbergasted. He had no idea where that came from. He didn't see it coming a mile off. She picked up the plate. She went into the other room. About 10 minutes went past.

47:13Alex Partridge:She came back and she had come down. She had become regulated and she was so apologetic. and it was the instant visceral nature of RSD. You can take a tiny bit of feedback from the world, a tiny piece of input. It could be a footstep that's slightly heavier than is normal or maybe someone closes a door and it shuts slightly louder than you're used to. Or someone replies to a text message with a thumbs up emoji. Or of course your boss asks you for a quick chat on Monday morning, or you're showing someone your favorite film and they stand up to use the bathroom and they don't ask you to pause it.

47:58Alex Partridge:So you think that they hate the film and they hate you as well for suggesting watching it. If your ADHD feels different across your cycle, postpartum, or in perimenopause, ADHD in Women explains why hormones can change your brain and what you can do about it. Pre-order now and for a limited time, get the first chapter audio read by me, Dr. Jolene Brighton, for free. Plus a bunch of other bonuses like a free recipe guide and a PMDD workshop. Claim your bonuses at drbrighton.com slash ADHD and women. That's D-R-B-R-I-G-H-T-E-N dot com slash ADHD and women. Honey, what are you listening to? Your teen might not share everything with you, but teens share everything with each other.

48:49And certain everyday behaviors like sharing food, drinks, or kisses could mean sharing bacteria that can cause meningococcal disease known as meningitis. Although meningitis is uncommon, about one in ten who develop it will die. Ask your teen's doctor about missing meningitis vaccinations. Learn more at meningitis.com. Vaccination may not protect all recipients. Sponsored by GSK.

49:11Alex Partridge:it's instant rage and sadness but really it's deeper than that it's it's it's the child that was always made to feel like who they are is wrong the version that you've hidden away so well at least in your mind being exposed it's like all the effort that you've put into masking all of this expert persona that you've put on, your camouflage has been seen through in that moment. And there's no other way to describe it other than a catastrophic reaction. It's everything happening simultaneously. And because your nervous system is not responding to the comment that that person has said today, like the lady at the dinner table, she wasn't really responding to that slight change in tone of voice that she perceived that her husband had when he was speaking to her.

50:11Alex Partridge:Her nervous system heard that, and it reminded herself of those 20 ,000 comments. So her nervous system wasn't responding to that one comment, it was responding to the compounding effects of 20 ,000 horrible comments from her childhood, and they all came back in that moment. Hence, the reaction, the picking up the plate, throwing the spaghetti bolognese against the wall, and screaming you want a divorce, was so disproportionate to the event that actually triggered it. And the shame that comes once you have come down from that heightened emotional state. And look, sometimes that was a relatively private event, but sometimes these things happen in public.

50:57There was another man I spoke to who sat in his office where he worked and an email

51:02Alex Partridge:came through and it was basically saying, thanks for that assignment, Dave, I'll change his name. I need to speak to you about a couple of corrections. And he stood up and said, I quit. And he stormed out of the office. And this was an office full of like 100 people. He just stood up and rage quit the job. You can't come back from a lot of this stuff. You know, the shame, the guilt, the lying in bed that night thinking, I've just stormed out of an office full of 100 people, and now I've got to somehow go back to that workplace the next day and what, just pretend like everything's fine. The shame that comes after an RSD trigger can be crippling, and it often does the most damage.

51:47But even when you're triggered,

51:51Alex Partridge:you don't your prefrontal cortex shuts down when you're triggered the emotional the amygdala takes over so you forget about the consequences you know he knew that if he got that email and stormed out of the office he would feel huge shame the next day and probably never be able to go back he probably thought well i would have to leave town leave country in consequence to that but when you are triggered that side of your brain shuts down and all you see is the rage and all you see is the inner child that never got a chance to grow up throwing a tantrum. So you act out on it. You say you want a divorce.

52:27Alex Partridge:You reply in haste to something quite viscerally horrible sometimes, or you storm out of an office. And that's where it does the most damage. And I think, you know, we can get onto strategies, but trying to put a pause in that very acute moment, that exact point where you are triggered to stop yourself from viscerally blowing up and acting in a way that is going to cause so much shame and guilt, I think really is the heart of so much ADHD management. I want to get into strategies and I want to get into strengths. But before then, I want to ask you, what is the biggest lie RSD is telling people?

53:01Alex Partridge:RSD makes the person living with it truly believe that every person hates them a million times a day for no other reason other than bad vibes. I had this happen to me a couple of weeks ago. I was in, I was here, I was in the corridor outside this room waiting to record a podcast episode. It was a Wednesday afternoon, the day was going great. I had prepared for the interview and my phone went and it was the guest and he said, Alex, I'm really, really sorry. I need to reschedule. I instantly filled with huge panic. And again, very similar to Bethany, I had internal thoughts. This person hates me.

53:52Alex Partridge:They found something out about me and they're never going to rebook and they never want to see me again. And I actually physically got so overwhelmed that I fell to the floor. and I'm ashamed to say it, but I was lying still with my backpack on, lying on the floor in the corridor right outside this room. And my podcast producer, Tymon, who you've met today as well, he actually took a photo of it because he thought it would be good to raise awareness. And it's on my Instagram, but it just shows that the shame, it can be physical in that moment where this person text me saying that they're too busy and can we reschedule.

54:33Alex Partridge:I heard that, and without the context and the details of why they were rescheduling, I internalized that as to they hate me, they never want to see me again. I think it's catastrophic. I think I have become so aware that RSD and its lie that it tells you that everyone hates you, it doesn't discriminate, even if you are the world leading expert on ADHD. And I'm talking about a guy that I interviewed called Ned Hallowell, Harvard educated psychiatrist, amazing, amazing guy. I was lucky enough to interview him right here last year. And he was telling me how he did a talk at Harvard University and he was on stage after about 30 minutes giving his presentation.

55:18Alex Partridge:And the whole auditorium stood up, cheering, standing ovation. Everyone thought he was brilliant. In the taxi back to the hotel with his wife, he started crying. He told me how he burst into tears. And his wife was sat next to him in the back of the taxi and she said, Ned, what's wrong? And Ned said, I'm terrible. Everyone hates me. And his wife said, Ned, what do you mean? You were brilliant. Everyone in that auditorium was on their feet. And Ned said, there was one lady at the back who was sat down and she was scowling. I'm terrible at public speaking. I can never do this again. And for me, that was fascinating.

56:01Alex Partridge:That really was one of the first windows into RSD that I had ever experienced. And for me, it really hit home because when you've got a nervous system that is so expectant of criticism and people telling you that there's something wrong with you, you become like a hawk and you will see it, even in a sea full of positivity. When I release a podcast episode, often there's some lovely comments and it's always the one negative comment that I zoom in on. And I have to train myself now and remind myself that that objectively is a minority and try and focus on the majority of positivity. But living with RSD is a constant reminder that you will focus on negativity, even if it's the minority and RSD hates evidence that contradicts how it makes you feel.

57:08Alex Partridge:And it's a constant reminder when I feel that deep emotional pain, when I see that single negative comment or like Ned saw that single person, even a sea full of positivity and clapping and cheering, to remind yourself that the evidence says that the majority of people think that what you just did is not awful. And for me, that moment was huge. It's collecting evidence and realizing that when you can put evidence in your hand and hold it out in front of you and it contradicts what rsd is making you feel then you can take back the power it has over you i wonder if you relate to this what i find is that if i'm already in a negative space i'm feeling down about myself my brain will say why don't we go look at all your one star reviews on your book.

57:57Let's go look at that. Like as if I don't even have a Goodreads account for a reason. I read lots of books, but I don't want to be on there. But it's something that I noticed years ago. And I actually then on my Instagram stories, when people sent me positive things, I just put it in the story highlights of like things you say. It's what I called it. And it wasn't actually for other people. There were people that were like, why are you putting all like this praise that you get. And I'm like, it's a four is the pattern interruption. Because when I found myself in a negative headspace, I was like, let's read negative reviews about yourself.

58:31Like, how does that make sense? But that that was the reflex. So I was like, I have to do something else. Like, I need to have a different space to go to. And, you know, it was said to me, like, well, why don't you just read the five star reviews? I'm like, because that little one star is right there. And my brain will be like, click, let's let's do it. But I just wonder, is it the same for you when you find yourself. The worse headspace you're in, the more you start to gravitate towards the negative.

58:56Alex Partridge:This is the most heartbreaking thing about RSD is there is comfort in sticking with a pattern that you are familiar with. It's why I love listening to the same song on repeat, or I love watching the same film over and over again, or I'll eat the same meal, often, every single day. Because I know what to expect, and it's not stressful for me to continue doing something that I am familiar with. With RSD, unfortunately, and heartbreakingly, the pattern that so many of us are used to is criticisms and negativity and rejections and horrible comments and people saying there's something wrong with us.

59:46Alex Partridge:So, we actually, we might not even realize it, but we seek comfort in seeking out more negativity and more criticisms. I actually find it deeply uncomfortable reading the positive reviews and the positive comments. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so suspicious of them. It's a deep, internal, jarring reaction I get when I read them because it's not what used to. It's not my pattern. It's not my safe space. Heartbreakingly, my safe space is nastiness. And I feel like that's so consistent with many, many people with RSD. The healing comes from having that awareness and recognizing the toxic patterns that so many of us are in, and realizing that it is okay to accept that you are in a bad situation, whether that is reading negative comments or staying in a relationship that isn't good for you or staying in a job that isn't in alignment with who you really are, not because you don't know how to leave, because you feel safer staying in what's familiar to you.

1:00:58Alex Partridge:And that's where the real tragedy happens. So many people with RSD are staying in uncomfortable situations, or they're drawn towards toxic environments, situations that are truly, truly damaging to themselves. But they, ironically, feel even more discomfort in stepping out of that familiar lane and seeking an alternative. But it is possible. And I think the first step is to recognize that you have RSD and to recognize that you are not broken. You're just different. You have always been enough. You are the victim of 20 ,000 extra horrible comments when you were a child. Plus, you have a brain that struggles to regulate emotions.

1:01:44Alex Partridge:And when you name it, I call mine Dave the Dragon, my RSD. So when I feel that intense emotion and that internalized shame or rage or sadness, I can almost metaphorically hold out Dave in front of me and say, this feeling I'm feeling right now, when someone texts me saying, can we reschedule Alex? Or when someone's not giving me a round of applause after I do a talk, this is Dave, this is RSD. This is not really what is going on in this moment. What's going on in this moment is that single thing has reminded your nervous system of the horrible comments you were exposed to as a child. And when you have an understanding of RSD, that's when you can start taking steps towards depowering it.

1:02:27Alex Partridge:And ultimately, take steps to lead a happier life and move towards situations that reinforce your brilliance. Because so much of your previous life and experiences up until that point have trained you to hide who you are. But we can reverse the trajectory of our life when we recognize that who we are is enough. It always has been enough. We're not broken, just different. We have ADHD or autism, and there are steps that we can take to embrace our true self and ultimately make decisions that are in alignment with who we are and serve us and enable us to take steps towards the goals that we want to achieve.

1:03:13If someone's listening to this right now, and they are recognizing that for 30 years, this thing they didn't know the name of, but they now recognize this is RSD, has been driving the train, what's the next step after that?

1:03:27Alex Partridge:The million dollar question. Yeah, I mean, you have to collate and collect evidence that contradicts how it makes you feel. I always have a list of traits and qualities that I am so proud of sometimes in a piece of on a piece of paper in my pocket or on my notes app on my phone because when you do stuff if your adhd feels different across your cycle postpartum or in perimenopause adhd in women explains why hormones can change your brain and what you can do about it pre-order now and for a limited time get the first chapter audio read by me dr jolene brighton for free plus a bunch of other bonuses like a free recipe guide and a PMDD workshop.

1:04:14Claim your bonuses at drbrighton.com slash ADHD and women. That's D-R-B-R-I-G-H-T-E-N dot com slash ADHD and women. Honey, what are you listening to? Mom! Your teen might not share everything with you, but teens share everything with each other. And certain everyday behaviors, like sharing food, drinks, or kisses, could mean sharing bacteria that can cause meningococcal disease, known as meningitis. Although meningitis is uncommon, about 1 in 10 who develop it will die. Ask your teen's doctor about missing meningitis vaccinations. Learn more at meningitis.com. Vaccination may not protect all recipients.

1:04:56Sponsored by GSK.

1:04:59Alex Partridge:Many of us do stuff that we're super proud of. You might submit a piece of work or you might have a social interaction that felt successful. Often we'll move away from that situation and we don't document the outcome. We don't write down that that was a piece of evidence that we are extremely capable and successful at what we're trying to do. So when you have an RSD trigger, it's super important to have that list of evidence close by. I often have it in my pocket or on my phone. So when I feel that intense sadness or rage, I can read it and I can bring the evidence to the forefront and it can bring me down from that heightened state of emotion.

1:05:46Alex Partridge:Sometimes that's not always possible. So it's super helpful to also have like a trusted person that you can call who understands RSD, understands the strengths that you have to give to the world. And when you are feeling that intense emotion, you can give them a call and they can remind you that what you're experiencing right now is RSD. It's a real feeling, but it's not proportionate to the event that's just triggered you. And they can remind you of the positives and the strengths that you have to give to the world. What's super important is also, it's not just to collect evidence that RSD is of how amazing you are, but also to collect evidence that contradicts how RSD is making you feel.

1:06:26Alex Partridge:So with the Beth example, there was a ton of evidence that she actually collected after that event that contradicted the fear that people in the office hated her and the fear that she was going to get fired. There was a ton of emails from her boss actually praising the work that she had done. There was an invitation to a work party the following week. So it's not always about just collecting evidence of how amazing you are. It's about collecting evidence of events that contradict what RSD is trying to make you feel. how can people repair because you've given several examples of you know someone saying i quit and leaving the office of people really blowing up their life due to rsd and so there's the collect the evidence like how do we handle rsd but life is messy it's not always perfect how do people come back from that and start to repair after the fact what's the language people can use to let others know, you know, what happened here?

1:07:24Alex Partridge:It's really, really hard, especially when you have these big emotional blowups in a public space where there might be lots of people observing your behavior. It's very hard to sit down with all of those people when you're in a more regulated space and say, hey, look, what just happened was RSD. That's not who I really am. I want to say sorry to all of you. You can do that, of course, but there's still going to be this feeling of shame and embarrassment that lingers. I think the most important thing is to really try and protect that shame in your relationships. It's much easier to protect the aftermath when you're able to sit down with your partner or your close friend and really intentionally set time, maybe once a week, to communicate previous RSD triggers that had happened over the week.

1:08:13Alex Partridge:maybe it's a Friday afternoon or a Saturday night or whenever it might be that you both have time for and to really approach the conversation with a ton of curiosity a ton of empathy towards each other and hopefully there's that emotional maturity in your relationship to park any judgment and for you to say okay that dinner that we had the other night where I stood up and threw the play against the wall. Let's talk about why that happened. Let's talk about why I perceived what you said as being about me and why I thought that meant that you didn't like me anymore. And that's why I reacted in the way that I did.

1:08:55Alex Partridge:And when you're able to really sit down as a couple and communicate RSD triggers and the subsequent events that followed, you're able to A, compartmentalize them and have that maturity to almost separate them from the traditional successful probably path that your relationship is on from events that are essentially anomalies triggered by RSD. And when your partner is an understanding partner and you can have that conversation together and the empathy is there to realize that these events are triggered by a nervous system that has been reminded in that moment of 20 ,000 comments from the world to show that you are something that needs to be hidden, then the understanding can grow together.

1:09:44Alex Partridge:And ultimately, the relationship can actually get a lot stronger. That's beautiful. I want to ask, though, something that's been coming up in my mind as we've been talking, your latest book, all about RSD. What was a myth that you went into believing as you started on that book, then as you got into research and learning more about this, that you really realized, this is a myth that I've been living under, perpetuating, and maybe letting rule your life? I think the biggest myth in the ADHD space, and particularly with the RSD conversation, to add context to it is that we need to try harder. Time and time again, I think many of us are told that you could do this if you just put more effort in.

1:10:33Alex Partridge:You could get that job if you tried harder, you could pass that exam, that relationship would be successful. It's the internal battle that nobody sees. People see the external physical effort and the energy that you're putting out. And when you don't have an understanding of ADHD and the complexities of how that can manifest, it can look like someone who isn't trying hard. The overwhelm that can happen when you've got all of those internal squirrels, highly caffeinated, barreling around in your head. And in that moment, the only thing you can do because you are physically paralyzed is lying on the sofa and scroll social media because that's giving you just enough dopamine to distract you from that internal critic that's saying, why can't you just start?

1:11:26Alex Partridge:Even to yourself, sometimes you'll say, why can't I just work harder? But the optics, what that looks like to a partner, to a colleague, to a friend, to a parent, to a family member, is often when there's a lack of understanding, it's why can't you just try harder? There was a lady who was on this podcast and she was really, really struggling with this perception that people had of her, she was achieving amazing things at work. She was getting promoted. She was running a successful business on the side. But at home, she was really struggling to keep up with the housework. The dishes were piling up, the bins weren't getting taken out, the washing wasn't getting done.

1:12:11Alex Partridge:And her and her partner were trying to delegate and he was working as well. And it was always blowing up in the house that why can't we both try harder and keep on top of the housework? And it transpired and turned out that both of them were putting so much energy into being this persona to achieve at work, people were calling them high functioning, that they had nothing in the tank left when they got home. And it turns out they spoke to each other and really they weren't high functioning, they were high masking. There was so much energy being exerted just to keep up this facade, this appearance of normal.

1:12:54Alex Partridge:But when they got back at home, they were rowing, they were shouting. One day the lady got home, she closed the flat door and she put her back against the door facing inwards and she sort of just sank to the floor and burst into tears. And in hindsight now, with retrospect and understanding of ADHD, ADHD. It wasn't that they weren't trying hard enough. They were trying so hard to keep it together in one area of their life, at work and to get by in society's standards, that they had nothing in the tank when they got home. And when there's a lack of understanding, that is going to look like a particular type of manifestation that is going to get comments like, can't you just try harder?

1:13:34Alex Partridge:I think it's the biggest myth. I think people with ADHD try 10 times harder than the average person, often to achieve the same thing. I'm curious. We often, when we talk about ADHD, we hear about all the cants, all the things that are difficult, all of the negative symptoms of ADHD. If you could look back and speak to the strengths of ADHD, what would you tell seven-year-old Alex? I think, as I've said, the things that you're made to feel different about when you're young will often turn out to be the biggest strengths as an adult. I wish when I was seven years old and I was in the library, I had this intense curiosity towards the stock market.

1:14:18Alex Partridge:I remember the excitement when my mum was driving me to school. I couldn't wait to arrive at school, run up the stairs to the library, find today's newspaper, flick to the back, find the stock market listings. I was truly euphoric every single morning when I did that. And that innate internal curiosity to ask questions, why is that stock market price of this particular company in the UK, why is it fluctuating? Why is it going up and down in response to some event that's happened And on the other side of the world, it was fascinating. And every question led to another question, led to another question.

1:15:00Alex Partridge:The ability to spot patterns and to be intensely curious and to see creative solutions to problems. And then the masking happened. And I suppressed all of that positivity and I suppressed all of those strengths. And ultimately, I turned into an adult who conformed and complied and ultimately turned into an alcoholic because of it. but only later on in life when I was given the opportunity to lean into those strengths as well, which was social media and to obsess over the patterns and what the algorithms on Facebook wanted and what content was rewarded and what content was not rewarded and what trends were on the horizon and being able to predict those and then come up with creative solutions to difficult problems that the algorithms presented me with.

1:15:48Alex Partridge:and it all goes back those strengths were there i think every single adhd autistic child they have this beautiful curiosity this amazing ability to look at the world differently to see patterns to be immensely curious and the tragedy is of course is that they're often made to feel that that's not the right thing to do so they suppress it and they internalize it and they end up living inside their own head and it's the cause of a huge amount of anxiety and identity problems later on down the line, which we've discussed. But I wish someone who was seven years old listening to this would hear and truly believe that the traits that they're expressing and putting out into the world are fundamentally fantastic and who they are is enough.

1:16:40Alex Partridge:There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. The world needs difference. It needs explorers. It needs creativity and curiosity and an ability to think outside the box. And if you look at the greatest explorers, really, that the world has ever seen, it all stems from those behaviors. And those are the behaviors that we see in abundance within the neurodivergent community. Well, thank you so much for this conversation. I think there couldn't be a better place to end this discussion today. But I really appreciate you being on the show and sharing not just your story, but all of these stories. It's been really a delight.

1:17:23Alex Partridge:Jolene, thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure.