The Science of Better Sex: How to Improve Your Sex Life with Dr. Tara, Top University Sex Professor

0:0030 % of people have gone to some sort of play party or BDSM party. And the thing that I love most about erotic parties is it's safe. So flexible just means anything outside of monogamy. Not necessarily because they want to be in an open or polyamorous relationship. It's mainly because they think a f***ing would be fun. How many couples fall into the flexible category? The data I have is based on 3 ,500 people. Guess. I would say 30%. 50%. 50? Yeah. True or false? Your sexual profile can change throughout your life. True. Maybe your natural tendency when you're younger is monogamous. We have seen some research that says when people are older, they tend to be more permissive towards trying new things.

0:49Then maybe when you're 45 or 50, you're like, I'm now leaning towards flexible. Dr. Tara is shaking up the world of sexual wellness. a tenured professor of sexual communication, award-winning researcher, and global media personality. She's the host of Love Bites podcast, co-host of the iconic Loveline, and the author of the brand new book, How Do You Like It? From TV screens to the classroom to international stages, Dr. Tara is redefining how we talk about intimacy, desire, and what it really takes to have a thriving sex life. What's the protocol for bringing back sparks When you've reached menopause.

1:26Romance. Understanding your partner's love language and do them regularly. Try sexual meditation every day. Sex is a meditative experience. You need to be able to take deep breaths to orgasm. But you as a person will feel significantly more... This episode is brought to you by Google Health. Stop chasing someone else's definition of health. What matters is what's healthy for you. Google Health offers a new kind of coach built with Gemini for effortless tracking, sleep insights, and holistic coaching tailored to you. Visit GoogleStore.com to learn more and start a new relationship with your health.

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2:40That's Freedom the B. Use as directed. Welcome to the Dr. Brighton Show, where we burn the BS in women's health to the ground. I'm your host, Dr. Jolene Brighton, and if you've ever been dismissed, told your symptoms are normal or just in your head, or been told just to deal with it, this show is for you. And if while listening to this, you decide you like this kind of content, I invite you to head over to drbrighton.com, where you'll find free guides, twice-weekly podcast releases, and a ton of resources to support you on your journey. Let's dive in. Dr. Tara, you have created a sexual personality test that is changing people's love lives.

3:20What's the most surprising thing people discover about themselves when they take it? Ooh, so I hear a lot from people that like they didn't realize that that was their sexual profile. So for example, you know, someone that like consistently likes like missionary sex and consistently like to have sex in like the bedroom on on her own bed like took took the test and then found out that like she's actually not a consistent lover she's a dynamic lover and that was like a huge shock for her when she was reading like the dynamic definition so yeah like people discover that who they thought they were in bed isn't necessarily like who they actually are or can be when they hit the highest potential of expression.

4:09Yeah. Okay, I'm very excited for this conversation. We're going to be getting into all of this. And for everyone listening, Dr. Tara, you are a tenured professor. You actually are, were you the youngest tenured professor at Cal State Fullerton? Yeah. Yeah. So I want everybody to understand as we come into this, you are an academic first. Because I think often when people hear sex, they're just like, oh, this strange person in the corner of the internet. And it's like, no, you're actually in the classroom teaching on this. You know, my student even asked me the other day, they were like, so do you have a PhD?

4:44I said, yes, hence Dr. Tara. And they were like, oh, we thought it was kind of like Dr. Dre. What? You're like, also cool, but not as cool as me. But like not as much education in school and schooling. but I'll trade bank accounts with Dr. Tray any day. Fair. So we're talking about these sexual profiles. What are some of the different sexual profiles? And I'm really interested to hear how they shape the way people connect with their partner. Yes. So I love to call it like the Myers-Briggs of sex because you also get acronyms. Because like, have you taken Myers-Briggs personality? Yes, I have. What are you?

5:26What am I? An ENTJ? It feels like you're an ENFJ. I'm an ENFJ. Okay, okay. Yeah, so ENTJ is more reasonable than ENFJ. F is feelings. So like I have a lot of feelings and make a lot of decisions based on emotions. But anyway, so sexual profile is like Myers-Briggs. So when you take the test, the test will tell you your main keywords, four main keywords that explains who you are sexually in bed. And these are basically acronyms. So the first category is whether or not you're consistent or dynamic. Consistent in, I mean, I wrote about it extensively, but like in short, basically it's someone that really enjoys sex that is consistent from before.

6:23For example, someone that enjoys missionary every time, always sex in the bedroom, in bed, because like they just know that that's comfortable for them, that that's a reliable way to orgasm, and there's no right or wrong answer. So some people are consistent lovers, but some people are dynamic lovers they need change they need the different positions to feel more turned on they need different spaces to have sex in to feel more turned on and be into it so some people are consistent some people are dynamic no wrong answers which one do you think you are oh i that i have to like really think about that as and like retake this quiz because uh i was just reading through like to do questions.

7:08Yeah. But I do like consistency. However, because I have ADHD, there has to be a dynamic component. Otherwise, if it's completely predictable, like my brain has figured out the plot and it's bored, right? Yes. Yes. I love that part. And I love that you said that because a lot of people ask me like, what, like, can't you be both? And the answer is you you can exhibit or desire both, but people have a primary. Yeah. It's kind of like when people say like, you know, I'm an introvert, but like when I'm in a social situation, I can be an extrovert. It's like you can be social. Yeah. And you can enjoy it even.

7:46Yeah. But a lot of times your true personality is an introvert. So it's like my true personality is a sex personality is a dynamic person. I like I crave differences all the time. However, it doesn't mean that I can't orgasm consistently through missionary sex. Yeah. And enjoy it. Yeah. In that context, I would say I'm consistent because I do that. Like the girl does like a routine, like does great things. Yeah. Which makes sense with the ENTJ too. Oh, really? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So this is one aspect of the profile, but there's three others. There's three others. Okay. Next is traditional or kinky.

8:27So are you traditional or kinky? If you're traditional, it means that you lean towards enjoying conventional sexual acts. So this can be, you know, it can include like oral sex in foreplay or like maybe even like manual stimulation in foreplay. But then the sex, penetrative sex can be missionary, doggy, cowgirl, right? And sex is like between two people that are in a relationship. So that's the more traditional lovers. The other way is kinky. And this is where you as a lover enjoy unconventional, non-traditional sexual acts. This can be like anything outside of what I had just described for traditional.

9:15So if you're someone that also enjoys, you know, some bondage, maybe some S &M, maybe pet play, maybe food play, maybe trying like, you know, unique sex positions, then you're or have sex in public, like outside, or maybe go to sex parties, like, then you're more kinky. Let me ask you because I have read research that says about 20 % have engaged in some level of kink. And my first thought was, these are only the people who admit it or the people who think that's kink. So they may enjoy having sex in the back of the car, but they think, well, teenagers have sex in the back of the car. So like, this is a normal thing.

10:01This is a traditional thing. Would that fall in the box of kink? It would fall in a box of kink because this survey is all about its self-report, right? And it's subjective evaluation. So if you feel your activity is kinky and you are kinky, then you are kinky because that's what you believe in yourself. And this is all about self-concept, right? Like how you think about yourself and how you want to express to your partner. So then you would be kinky. Yeah. So, and then, okay, so we've got the first two. What are the next ones? So the next one is monogamous or flexible. And I didn't use open because flexible doesn't mean open.

10:45So monogamous means you have sex with one partner for the duration of your relationship. Only one partner with no exceptions. Flexible means that there are exceptions, that you are open to having a conversation or engaging in sex that involves other people outside of the person in the duration of that relationship. And this could be things like having a threesome, foursome, attending a sex party, or full-on open relationship, polyamorous relationship. So flexible just means anything outside of monogamy. I'm curious, how many couples or individuals fall into the flexible category? Like, just as what we know you know in terms of like the data we have yeah so the data i have is based on 3 500 people and guess i would say like 30 percent 50 percent 50 yeah over a little over 50 percent like 52 because people take the survey every day yeah it's on my website so like i i have new data every day, but it's about 52 % of people say, oh yeah, like I'm flexible.

11:53And it's not necessarily because they want to be in an open or polyamorous relationship. It's mainly because they think a threesome would be fun. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, so when I was in college taking the psychology of aging course, and what was so interesting and stuck out to me is that they were following these couples over a lifetime in this like documentary. And what they found is that many couples as they age, they became more flexible. And I remember this, I mean, I was like 20 at the time. This was mind blowing to me that this woman was like, oh, I drop him off at his girlfriend's house.

12:33And I drop, and he's like, yes. And she has her boyfriend. And like, we see these other people. And when they were being interviewed, all of these people were saying this actually strengthens our relationship. It makes us more attracted to each other. And because is being married to somebody for 50 plus years and the same person, like, you begin to explore and change things. So that makes me ask the question, do people's personalities change over time or when situations change, they take your personality, either sexual personality profile test, do things change? Like, maybe you have a baby, maybe, you know, you are going through menopause, maybe you've been married 50 years.

13:10Is there context where things switch? Yeah, for sure. I mean, I theorize that people change over the course of life and therefore their sexual profile can change. However, I mean, I think there is your primary profile, but then there's also situational things, right? It's kind of like trait personality and state feelings. So if we're talking trait and state, as a dynamic person, there could be times where I'm like, honestly, I just want the missionary giving the orgasms. I'm tired. I just want to feel connected to you. I don't really need to go outside and try to do something else. But it doesn't mean I change from being a dynamic person because ultimately I am.

13:58but situationally things could change right that's why there's that comparison between trait and state and i think that as a dynamic lover i'll always be a dynamic lover but it doesn't mean that from time to time consistency works better for me at the time and then what's the last profile the last profile is whether you're leaning more gentle as a lover or animalistic So gentle lovers tend to enjoy soft, touching, caressing, very sensual lovemaking. Kind of like, let's get it on Marvin Gaye vibes. And then animalistic lover tends to like rough sex. Rough grabbing, scratching, biting, just like a lot of passion in a fiery way.

14:51Of course, no right or wrong. Both people can very much enjoy sex and have a very pleasurable sexual session. But when you have a partner that understands your style and adapt to it, it can be even more, it can feel even more pleasurable. The connection can be deeper and you can bond better. So, well, I have a question then because I imagine people who are in a partnership are going to want to take, they want to both take this profile. are, you know, you'll see like in astrology where it's like, these are star-crossed, like personalities, you know, any personalities that don't go together, they're like, they're not a match.

15:29Or do you address that in your book of like, if you're this and you're that, and it feels like there's friction, here's what you can actually do. I do address it in my book. I said, if your profiles are the opposite, it's not like a doom for your relationship. Like this is not an indicator that you are doomed. It's an indicator that there's work to do and if you love that person enough you will do the work and I um describe like how to do this work like let's say if you are traditional your partner um is you know more um kinky like here are the things that you can explore within the lines um if you are the hardest one would be if you're monogamous and your partner is not yeah but then do you think that's an incompatibility or do you think there's ways to overcome that or One thing I hear from women all the time is that they're struggling with symptoms like hot flashes, sleep disruptions, and brain fog, but aren't sure where to turn to for help.

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17:15Plus, you'll get$20 off your first order today. That's M-Y-A-L-L-O-Y dot com code Dr. Brighton. I think there are ways to overcome that where, you know, you can involve others without physically being with them. So there's like nowadays, there's, you know, obviously like online sex workers that you can like talk to engage in like through like cyber sex um there's you know watching porn together and inviting like third party into the situation without actually seeing a person so there are ways and speaking about the future i mean there's already sex robots there's already ai sex robots that you can program personality program accents how they orgasm when they orgasm i mean who knows right like how people can adjust in the future so there isn't one that's like you're done like all of them you can work on so i am curious how knowing your sexual profile and knowing your partner's sexual profile can actually contribute to the longevity of a relationship it can contribute positively and significantly by these three different ways.

18:31So first off, it gives you language to start talking about sexual well-being in your relationship. A lot of different surveys show that majority of people in relationships have never had full-on conversations about their sex lives before. Maybe they say things like, oh, I like it there, or I want to try this position, but they never talk about the overall like sexual well-being. What is it like for you to have a good sex life? Who are you sexually? Like what do you truly like in bed? What are your fantasies? What are some of your potential kinks that you may not even know yet? What is something you have seen online or on TV that you want to explore?

19:11These conversations are called macro sexual communication. Most people in relationships have never had them. Why do you think that is? Because sex is still so taboo and there is a myth that people think that humans should know how to do sex without talking about it. And because it's, it should be instinctual, there's no point talking about it. Like it's instinctual. It's what we do as humans. It's like eating. People will try to make that argument and they'll say, look at mammals. And I'm like, have you not been on National Geographic? Because they make all kinds of noises. There's little dances going on.

19:47There's nuzzling. There's all kinds of things. And while you don't understand the communication, there is a lot of communication that's happening. A lot of communication. And I love that point. That's a really good point. So sexual profile, first off, allows you to have the language to talk about yourself and to engage in that sort of conversation in a more educated manner. Secondly, I think it brings partners closer together because it allows them to understand the other person better. And now you can take action towards It's being the lover that your partner would really enjoy. And they also do the same.

20:22So it's like two people catering to each other. Like, that's the best sex. Yeah. And then lastly, it allows you to prevent sexual resentment, which is one of the top factors contributing to breakups and divorce, right? People are resentful towards their partners. Yeah. They haven't had sex in a long time. Sexless marriages is super common. It allows you to understand each other and prevent that from happening by engaging in various other activities that will be fulfilling for each other. I want to play two truths and a lie with our audience. If they can spot the lie, we'll give them time to answer.

21:05And then we're going to go, we'll give them some time. But first, I'm going to read these three. So first is, your sexual profile can change throughout your life. Communication is more important than chemistry and sustaining passion. Your relationship is doomed if you don't have the same sexual profile. So people can guess which is the lie. Leave us a comment on YouTube and we're going to come back to it and unpack it. But what I want to ask you is that if you could ask every listener right now to experiment for the next seven days to bring spark back to their relationship, what would you challenge them to do?

21:39I would challenge them to try sexual meditation every day. Interesting. What's that? Yeah. So sexual meditation is like a regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the body that are your erogenous zones. So when you do regular meditation, whether it's for calmness, sleep, confidence, work, whatever it is, there is a context around that meditation, right? Maybe it's you do it silently and you visualize like a really good job interview, right? Or you do it with a guided meditation and you're trying to sleep, right? So this is one other context that you should try and it's the sexual context.

22:25You can do it quietly by engaging in like a visual visualization of like really hot sex that you had last time, or even an imagination, maybe hot sex that you've never had with a partner that you've never had or a celebrity crush. You can think about that. You can also do feelings, like what does it feel like in your body when you think about sex? And then you can also do massaging different erogenous zones as you meditate and take deep breaths. So it connects your mind with your body and the erogenous zones. So you could be meditating, taking deep breaths, massaging your nipples, massaging your pubic area, for example.

23:02You can also go to guided meditation because some people like that. I have like free guided sexual meditation on YouTube. A bunch of different clips, just depending on what particular sex thing you want to work on. Some of them are five minutes, some of them are 10 minutes. A lot of them are for couples. So you do it together. So you can like get naked, hold hands and like follow the instructions. Take deep breaths, close your eyes and, you know, just do it for 10 minutes together. There's a lot of research. A lot of them actually by Dr. Lori Brotto that wrote the book about sexual mindfulness, but a lot of research on sexual mindfulness practices and how that has a huge positive impact on people's sex lives, including higher sexual desires for women who reported having low sexual desire, better sexual functioning, less vaginal pain, things like that.

24:03So there's lots of benefits in all of her experiments. And she even wrote a whole book about it. And there's lots of research articles on it. So I'm a huge fan of sexual meditation also because it's free. Like, you know, you don't have to buy a drug. You don't have to buy new lingerie. You don't to buy a vibrator. You can just meditate together and feel more sexually connected than ever before. Is this a daily practice, weekly practice? What kind of cadence would you say people should try to start with? I think to make it achievable, I think people should try it like twice a week. Okay. Yeah. Twice a week, one during the week, one during the weekend to really get in that groove.

24:48And when you get comfortable just sitting silently with your partner for five minutes or 10 minutes doing this, then I would say like three to four times a week, you will feel so connected. Like this is what I do and I feel amazing. Yeah. So I'm hearing improved libido, less vaginal pain with penetration, better connection with your partner. Certainly it's going to help your stress levels. Oh yeah. It's going to help your hormones. It's been breathing in an intentional way. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So let's go back to the two truths and a lie. I'm going to ask you, true or false, your sexual profile can change throughout your life.

25:23True. Okay. And why is that true? Because, like I said, you know, maybe your natural tendency when you're younger is, like, let's say, monogamous. And then maybe when you're 45, like we said, like, you know, we have seen some research that says when people are older, they tend to be more permissive towards trying new things, including other people. then maybe when you're 45 or 50, you're like, I'm now leaning towards flexible. So you can change. Okay. True or false, communication is more important than chemistry in sustaining passion. It's true. Okay. Yeah. Because even if you have chemistry, but terrible communication, like there's no point because you can't sustain chemistry.

26:06Chemistry can come, they can go. a lot of times it fizzles out you know as soon as six months so communication is what going to sustain your sex life your sexual relationship is doomed if you don't have the same sexual profile true or false false all right and i feel like we've we've talked about that one and we covered it pretty well but i want to do a little bit like rapid fire of our like protocol playground if you I feel like our playground is perfect for this. Love that. So what's your protocol if somebody says we have mismatched libidos? My protocol would be, first off, sit down and talk about your ideal frequency.

26:49Like, first, you have to know what you're working with. Like, establish a baseline. If your partner says, you know what, it would be nice for me to sexually connect with you like three times a week. And if you're like, I can only do once a week. Now, the two, that's the difference, the discrepancy. what can we do? It can be sexual meditation. It can be taking a bath together. Things that also contribute to sexual connection, not necessarily penetration. What's the protocol for couples who love each other, but say sex feels like a chore? Try my erotic solution. So in the book, I talk about how sex can be boring.

27:28And, you know, there are so many things in the world of sexuality that you can try if you put in the effort and initiative. So like when you read through the book, for example, like one of them is yap yang, right? Have you guys tried the yap yang? I don't know. I don't like, I'm not even sure I know what this word is. Yeah, so yap yang is a part of like the eastern philosophy, like tantra, tantric sex teachings, but it's a way to, a position to connect with one another. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yes, so the man would like sit cross-legged And then the woman would sit on him, legs around him, and then your foreheads would join and you would take synchronized breaths.

28:08That's one of the erotic solutions. And it's not boring at all. It's actually really fun. And you can even choose the playlist that works for you. I know that sometimes I'll choose sexual frequency sounds, but sometimes I'll also choose pony or R &B. And it's a fun activity to do with your partner, and it doesn't include penetration or having sex in a traditional sense, but it definitely makes me feel very connected to him and turned on. What's the science behind sexual frequencies? So people hear about binaural beats or sleep frequencies, but I bet sexual frequency is new to people. Yeah, I think it's 437.

28:49The hertz? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's multiple, but I don't have that on top of my head. Yeah. Well, unless, because people are not going to look up the hurts, they're going to go like be on Spotify and be like, what is this sexual frequency? I'm more interested in people hearing like, what happens to you physiologically, mentally, emotionally when that frequency is being played? I think when that frequency is being played, you feel, first you feel more relaxed. And I think it allows you to feel more of your nerve endings that are in your erogenous zones. I think it's more in tune of that.