Why Am I So Irritated All the Time? The Hidden Cause Most Women Miss

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0:42Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required. Compatibility and availability varies 18+. hey friend welcome back to the dr brighton show i'm really glad that you're sitting down with me today because we need to talk about something that's kind of heavy it's an emotion that so many women are drowning in right now but almost nobody is talking about with real honesty so let me ask you something have you had a moment maybe lately where someone asks you a completely benign normal, maybe even reasonable question.

1:20And inside, you just want to scream in response. And that scream is not because they did anything terrible. It's just that their voice in that exact second feels like the final straw in your life. And maybe your partner asks where the keys are, or your kids say, mom, for the umpteenth time today, or your phone buzzes with like one more email demand. And then suddenly there's this massive wave of irritation that rises up. It's not a mild annoyance. It's a full body prickling irritation that leaves you thinking, why is absolutely everything getting on my nerves? And it can even leave you thinking, is it me?

2:02Am I the problem? And here's the hardest part. What we do after the irritation wave hits, we immediately turn the lens on ourselves, right? We judge ourselves. We decide that we're the one that's becoming short-tempered, bitter, less kind. I can't even tell you how many women have sat across from me in my clinic, looked at me with tears in their eyes, and whispered, I just don't like who I'm becoming. And if that's where you are today, I want you to take a deep, slow breath. Let your shoulders drop away from your ears. I know you're carrying a lot of tension because what if that irritation doesn't mean you're turning into a patientless, difficult person?

2:52What if it means something else entirely? In my years of practicing medicine and working with thousands of women, I've realized a profound truth and that is the women who worry they're losing their goodness are almost always the ones carrying the most weight. You aren't turning into a mean person. You've just been running on empty for way too long. So today, let's look at this through a different lens. What if your irritation isn't a character flaw? What if it's actually a messenger? And that's where I want to dive into today. Welcome to the Dr. Brighton Show. I'm your host, Dr. Jolene Brighton.

3:33I'm board certified in naturopathic endocrinology, a certified menopause practitioner, a certified sex counselor, and the author of ADHD and Women. Before we get into the heart of this, if you could just take two seconds to hit like, leave a comment, or share this episode with a friend who needs to hear it, that would mean so much to me and I would be incredibly grateful. Your support helps us keep these vital conversations going. Now let's talk about the big mistake we make when we experience this kind of rage. And this kind of rage, let's be honest, it's not uncommon to experience around postpartum, perimenopause, during hormonal transitions.

4:15When we feel irritated, we tend to treat it like it's the primary issue, right? We try to breathe through it. Or we scold ourselves and we say we need to act nicer. but biologically and emotionally, irritation is rarely the first emotion to show up. It's actually the last line of a defense. It's the emotion that finally boils over after you've ignored, buried, and pushed aside like five other big feelings. So think back to the last time that you truly felt like deeply irritated. If we peel back the top layer, what was actually sitting underneath it? Were you disappointed? Were you deeply hurt by lack of support?

5:04Maybe you were feeling lonely or you were carrying a quiet, simmering resentment because nobody noticed that you needed help. As women, we are cultural experts at compartmentalizing. We don't do it because we're emotionally unhealthy. I want to be clear about that. We do it because we are incredibly busy. There's the job, the kids, the aging parents, the groceries, the endless deadlines, right? People are depending on us. They depend on us to keep the wheels turning. So when difficult feelings come up, we don't always have time in the moment to process it. And we shove it in a drawer or a closet and we keep moving.

5:46But let me ask you a real honest question here. And I want you to really sit with this. When was the last time someone looked you in the eyes and genuinely asked how you were doing? Not what you're working on, not what needs to get done, but how your soul is actually holding up? And when was the last time that you gave an honest answer instead of the standard, I'm fine, I'm good, just busy? When I ask my patients this, that is usually the exact moment that tears start flowing. And it's not a sign of weakness. It's usually a sign of grief, grief of feelings that are completely invisible, while being the one every single person in your life is relying on.

6:32When you spend all your time being the strong one, those unacknowledged feelings, they have to go somewhere. And eventually they burst out sideways as irritation. You know, I use the analogy of when we're shoving these feelings away, it's like we're filling up a closet, you know, the messy closet in your house. And we keep shoving things in, shoving things in. And then one day we go to open the door and there's no more room. And in fact, everything comes tumbling out and that tumbling out can sometimes show up as irritability. Now, I want to take a moment and pan out a bit. Let's look at the bigger picture here because this is not a personal failure on your part.

7:12This is a systemic reality for women. Most women aren't just carrying a single burden. They're managing an entire ecosystem. You're tracking birthdays, scheduling dentist appointments, monitoring the household budget, checking in on friends and building a career. All the while, you're managing the emotional temperature of literally everyone around you. And we hear a lot about the mental load, but I don't think that phrase really does it justice because it's not just mental. It's an emotional, physical, and spiritual weight that you're carrying. You become the default planner, the permanent peacekeeper, and you're the reliable anchor in many people's lives.

7:56And while Those can be beautiful roles. They require immense energy, and we don't talk about that enough. When you're constantly pouring out, you eventually run out of places to put your own basic human needs. If there is one sentence from today's episode that I want you to write down on a sticky note and put on your bathroom mirror, it's this. Sometimes irritation isn't anger. It's exhaustion wearing a different outfit. I just want to say that to you again. Sometimes irritation, it's not anger. It's exhaustion wearing a different outfit. I'm not just talking about needing a good night's sleep, though that's definitely part of it, right?

8:43I'm talking about emotional depletion. The exhaustion that comes from giving 90 % and receiving 10 % back. the fatigue of carrying invisible loads that nobody thinks to thank you for. They're not even seeing it, recognizing it, or acknowledging it. It is the natural consequence of being needed by everyone, but truly known and seen by so very few. Now, this is where I want to pivot because most wellness conversations, they're going to stop right here. They tell you to set better boundaries, take a bubble bath. I mean, I do love a good bubble bath or do some mindset work. And look, those things have their place.

9:25But as a doctor, my brain starts getting curious about something deeper. Why is it that two women can carry a very similar load but have completely different experiences? One woman rolls with the punches, feels resilient, while another one like she's hanging on by a single fraying thread. Why do things that never used to bother you suddenly make you want to lose your mind? These are the questions I start asking. Because when a woman tells me she feels incredibly reactive lately, I don't look at her and think she has an attitude problem. Honestly, it's not that. I want to look like under the hood.

10:06I want to know what is happening with her physiology and what is happening with her mental emotional state. what is happening with her community. We've been conditioned to think our emotional resilience exists entirely in our heads, completely separate from our biology. But your brain is a physical organ and your emotions are deeply tied to your biochemistry. And so many women are walking around hating on themselves for emotional outbursts that are actually driven by biological alert systems. So instead of waking up and asking, what is wrong with me today? We need to start asking, what is my body trying to tell me right now?

10:48So let's talk about what's actually happening inside your body because this is the medical insight I wish every single woman had access to. When you notice a sudden shift in your reactivity, it is often a reflection of your capacity. Okay? It's your capacity. It's not your character. It's not who you are. Your biological baseline, it can shift with stress, with hormones. So for example, when estrogen levels begin to fluctuate or they drop, whether like you're in your luteal phase or maybe you're postpartum and perimenopause, like I mentioned before, it directly alters the chemistry of your brain.

11:28Estrogen helps regulate serotonin, dopamine, acetylcholine. These are feel-good, motivation, memory neurotransmitters. One thing I hear from women all the time is that they're struggling with symptoms like hot flashes, sleep disruptions, and brain fog, but aren't sure where to turn to for help. Menopause is inevitable, but suffering through it isn't. That's why I want to tell you about Alloy. Alloy is a digital health platform that connects you with a menopause-specialized doctor who can create a personalized treatment plan tailored to your needs, all from the comfort of your home. Join the 95 % of women who tried Alloy and saw relief in the first two weeks.

12:12Head to myalloy.com and use the code DRBRYTEN. That's myalloy.com, M-Y-A-L-L-O-Y.com and the code DRBRYTEN, D-R-B-R-I-G-H-T-E-N. Share your symptoms and you'll get a fully customized treatment plan and unlimited messaging with your doctor. Plus, you'll get$20 off your first order today. That's M-Y-A-L-L-O-Y.com, code Dr. Brighton. Eczema is unpredictable, but you can flare less with Epglyss, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema. After an initial four-month or longer dosing phase. About 4 in 10 people taking EBCLIS achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks.

13:03And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing. EBCLIS, LibriKizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe.

13:31Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit ebglis.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. When progesterone drops, we lose our natural built-in anti-anxiety compound. And if you think about blood sugar, if your glucose is riding a roller coaster all day because you're skipping meals or you're running on cortisol, your brain perceives that instability as an immediate threat.

14:07When your stress hormones like cortisol are staying elevated day after day, that's chronic cortisol exposure. Your nervous system gets locked in to this fight or flight state where it wants you to stay protected. It wants you to stay safe. So when you're stuck, though, in that fight or flight, your brain cannot distinguish between a life-threatening emergency or your partner leaving dirty dishes in the sink. The physiological response is exactly the same. And then we're expected to just be okay and to just operate as if everything's okay. And I want you to understand that even with these physiological changes, you're still the same person.

14:47You still have the same values. You have the same loving heart, but you have different physiology. You are going to have a radically different experience in the world when your hormones are not functioning at their best. And it breaks my heart how quickly we dismiss these biological shifts as personal failures. If you haven't felt like yourself lately, I just want you to know there is likely a deeper story written with your hormones, your sleep, your nervous system, and that you deserve grace and compassion to explore that without feeling shame. A lot of people will push back and say, don't blame women's behavior on their hormones.

15:25We're not blaming hormones. We're not giving an excuse for bad behavior, but we're just recognizing that sometimes we need to be gentle with ourself because negative self-talk and hating on ourselves even further only perpetuates the imbalanced state of hormones and neurotransmitters. It can start disrupting sleep further. It can be inflammatory. So it doesn't really do us any good to ignore the fact that hormones do influence behavior and that hormones are a response to environmental inputs. It doesn't do us any good to pretend that all we have to do is just try harder and everything will just get better.

16:04So I want to give you that permission to be gentle with yourself and to recognize that when you're in a hormonal transition, there's a flux and a change that your entire physiology is responding to. As we close out our time together today, I want to offer you a different way to view yourself when you look in the mirror tonight. Maybe you aren't turning into an angry, resentful person. Maybe you are becoming a woman who can no longer ignore her needs and what you actually need. What if your irritation isn't proof that you're failing? What if it's a check engine light of your soul, so to speak. And it's pointing you directly to where the wound is, where you need to give more attention.

16:51It's telling you that there is exhaustion or grief or lack of support or hormonal shift that needs your attention. I want you to see this not as your body betraying you, as your body giving you signals and an invitation for you to look deeper. The next time you feel that hot surge of annoyance rise up in your chest, try not to squash it down immediately if you can. But if you can't, please don't berate yourself. Instead, take a breath and just ask a few gentle questions like, what are you trying to protect me from right now? What are you trying to tell me? What do I need to pay attention to? What have I needed for a really long time that I've been too afraid to ask for?

17:34And I want to reassure you, you do not need to earn your compassion. You don't have to wait until you completely crash out before you finally grant yourself permission to rest, to speak up, to acknowledge your needs. I mean, just the basic acknowledgement of needs is so powerful. And I want to remind you, you're not losing who you are. A wiser, tired, fiercely honest part of you is just trying to get your attention. And real healing and real peace, that's going to begin the very moment that you stop fighting that voice and you finally start listening to it. I would love to hear your feedback on this episode as well.

18:13As we are nearing on our 150th episode of the Dr. Brighton show, which is kind of hard to believe, I realized that every week we're handing you protocols. We are handing you more things to do. But there has been a big blind spot in the Dr. Brighton show. And in reflecting as we neared on the 150th episode, I realized we're not talking enough about the issues that our women are facing and doing so in a way where we don't just ask them to do more, right? I think protocols are great. I think handing you the science is great. I love doing all of that with you. But I want to start integrating more aspects of the women's health conversation, including these very topics, giving you permission to be gentle with yourself, recognizing that we're struggling with more than just hormones, right?

19:10Day to day. And that there are a lot of things that women are dealing with in regards to community, in regards to their mindset, in regards to just the mental load, the physical load, the spiritual load of living as a woman in this world. So I want to start having these deeper conversations with you without giving you just one more thing to do, but giving you an opportunity to view yourself through a different lens, to be gentler with yourself, and to give yourself permission to meet your own needs. So I'd love to hear from you. Yes, we will still bring protocols. I will still have guest experts sharing the science with you.

19:51We'll still be doing that. But I want to introduce a new type of conversation into the Dr. Brighton show, one I feel like we have been missing and one that I'm not seeing happen enough out in the ecosystem of women's health. As always, I cherish this time with you and I really appreciate you spending your time with me. So until next time, please take care of yourself the way you take care of everyone else. You deserve that exact same love. I will see you next time.

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