12 Powerful Listening Hacks to Instantly Build Deeper Connections

21:56I get out of the room and go, man, I enjoyed our time so much. Thank you. That's post-framing what we just talked about. If it's someone I've been with a long time, say, brother, man, that's why I love you, bro. That's why I love you. And then other people, it's like, you always inspire me. You fire me up. Thank you. I love how vulnerable you are. Whatever it is, I just want to acknowledge you. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you. I just want to thank you. I just want to tell you you're awesome. I just want to tell you I believe in you. Do an acknowledgement statement that post-frames what you've covered, and I promise you, you've now put a bow around being one of the great listeners that anyone will ever be around.

22:27It's going to make you one of the most well-liked and most influential people that you know. And by the way, isn't that what we're after in life? Being well-liked and being influential. And that usually comes down not to being an incredible orator, but being an incredible listener. And these are the skills. And these skills matter in every area. In building a church, in building a Boy Scout troop, in building a softball team, in building a business, in building any family, anything in life is that we want to be able to be liked and have influence. and that always comes down to what we make people feel, and more than anything, people feel great when they've been able to talk about themselves, but most importantly, they feel listened to, connected with, and acknowledged.

23:07Listened to, connected with, and acknowledged. This is how we have influence over people, this is also how we make a difference in people's lives. The final piece of the puzzle is this, is that because of social media, we have such an advantage, and I just wanna tell you something that doesn't happen enough, but when it has happened for you, man, does it feel like the connection's even deeper. It doesn't matter what it is, is that when your separation from that person takes place and they leave you, especially if they don't live with you, whether that be a client, a best friend, a new friend, or someone you just met, following up a little while later with a text that just says, I enjoyed our time so much.

23:42I enjoyed listening to you. Thanks for sharing this with me. And maybe repeating back to them what you heard a little bit of. And when you do that, it cements them. Not only did he listen to me or she listened to me and my presence, but they continued to listen to me after I was gone. They continued to connect with me, and this extends the connection and deepens the connection. When after you physically separated, and even by the way, if this communication happened by phone and you weren't physically with them, for you to follow up after a phone call with a text a few hours later that just says, man, I enjoyed the talk so much.

24:14Thanks for sharing that with me, or always love when we connect, or you always make me laugh, or I'm so glad we're new friends now. I feel like I've made a new friend. Whatever it is, you strengthen and deepen the connection with people by letting them know later, hey, I heard you. Hey, I listened to you. So not only doing great in their presence, but later confirming for them, I was with you. I heard you. I enjoyed it. I want to acknowledge you. Man, have you deepened the fact that you've listened to them. So today was about tactical stuff. I know it wasn't the most motivational thing in the world, but I feel like this is another thing in your tool bag that will help you live blissfully to achieve your dreams, to be more fulfilled.

24:49and it's something that we overestimate when we think we're good at it. When you hear it sort of laid out like this, you think, man, I could be a better listener. There are tactical things I could do better. Hope today helped you out.

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27:00Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Chris Voss. So Chris, welcome to the show, finally. Thanks, Ed. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. And this is where I want to pull apart. So everybody, forget negotiation. This is just life skills right here. And I think I have been, by and large, terrible at this most of my life, what I'm about to ask you about. And I think I'm an assertive, number one, probably. And although I don't have a lot of abilities, I really don't.

27:34One of them is the ability to speak and to communicate. and I think oftentimes I rely on that as opposed to what I've really worked on the last decade is my listening skills and I have found like I'll do a retreat with a bunch of people that'll come in for example for business right and I'll talk for three days give them the best information engage them train them up motivate them inspire them and they leave and I think they think it's good this is back in the day and then another buddy of mine would come in he's not even really that prepared. They sit around and BS for three days and they ask them a bunch of questions.

28:07They all talk and they leave and it gets back to me. That was the greatest retreat they've ever been to in their lives. And it felt to me like it's probably because they were listened to more. So it's just a concept as a negotiator, as a communicator, as a man, as a human, how important is active listening and listening in general to persuasion and connection with people? Because I think it's lost art it's an advanced skill and uh in many cases like isn't assertive uh and you sound very much like an assertive your description for a variety of reasons assertives are time is money people and so if you're given instructions like i'm gonna jam you know time is money every moment no moment can be wasted i'm gonna download as much value as i possibly can good and i'm not going to waste a moment not giving these people value for each and every minute they're here.

29:00And so that becomes a bit of a deluge to start with. And it's hard to keep up with. Everybody on my team we got that problem in our instruction. We so want to give you nothing but valuable content. And so then listening, like the tiniest little things, how much time do you have for somebody who's not listening to you? Like zero. And you're going to notice it right away. And so in these tiny moments, being listened to actually increases analysis on both sides. It gives people an opportunity to do a little bit more processing. And so there's a whole variety of subtle nuances, invisible nuances, that affect the proactive, not just active, proactive listening starts to kick into gear.

29:51And so I'll get, it seems less efficient. and then suddenly you're in a you've accelerated 15 steps you don't even know how it happened and that's you know and to me and it's one of the i i possess that's the magic i know the magic's coming but just these subtle little tweaks so what are a couple of tweaks you use what do you there's some active listening skills you'll use to let someone know you are right so it's one thing to be listening it's another thing for them to get the message and feeling that you're listening as well right well that the secret easiest one simplest is the mirror repeating the last one to three words of what somebody has just said um and this is the best one to open up your teenager like there have been so many moms who suddenly open up their daughters because you know the kid comes home from school, how was your day?

30:50Fine. What'd you do? I don't remember. You didn't indicate to them that you even listened to the answer to the first question. So you say, how was your day? They go, fine. The parent's response should be, fine. Which is, even though you only gave me one word, I just proved that I listened to it. now that tiny moment tends to open people up very quickly because normally you got a list of questions and you're checking them off the list mom dad i'm going to say how was your day what did you do boom boom i you know you feel like your intention to do a job as a parent to display interest is there yes it is but your method was poor because by following up immediately with your next question, you made them think you weren't listening to the first answer.

31:48And so the mirror is like the first way to get your foot in the door to open the communication up. Guys, this is why you should be following Chris's work, why you should bring him in to speak, why you should get Never Split the Difference. That alone is simple. And I don't do it. I don't do it. Here's what I do do. That's I just learned from you recently. um i was in i am in the middle of a rather intense negotiation on something right now and i allowed it to escalate to where it got heated and uh the advantage to that though is i got to use one of your techniques and i i want everyone to have you elaborate on this because i think the foundation of what i've learned is just allowing someone to feel heard or be heard is so critical we'll talk about that in the negotiations hostage wise next but i want to ask you this.

32:36So anyway, it got elevated. This was just like a week ago, even though I learned this from you a little while ago. And, uh, the guy said something to me about what he wouldn't do. And then sort of a statement about me that wasn't flattering. Yeah. And the normal me would have been just to annihilate him, right. Verbally, which I would have made me feel good in the moment and gotten us further away. And I not kidding you. I was sitting about 30 feet from where I am right now. And I knew I was having you on the show in a few weeks. And so I was even more familiar with your work. And I actually said to him, I said, I won't say his name.

33:13I said to him, I said, listen, you must have a great reason for feeling that way and saying that. What is it? And he just opened up and it allowed him to talk. And basically what it did is it bought me time to think about other things, but it also, I got so much more information in the next seven minutes from him than I'd gotten in three two-hour full sessions previously. And we connected pretty deeply during that moment. So can you talk about the question to ask when someone says that, because I probably phrased it wrong, and why it matters so much? Yeah, that is like the universal magic label.

33:50Like no matter, somebody's arguing with you, somebody's agreeing with you. Like there's never going to be an instance when you can't say, you know, you said you must have a great reason for saying that, you know version of that is it seems like you have a reason for saying that seems like you have a reason for doing it like somebody just calls you the worst name they could possibly call you seems like you got a great reason for saying and they open up somebody completely agrees with what you just said seems like you got a reason a great reason for saying and they open up like that is like if i if i could if i could teach people just that one label and say here's what i want you do for the rest of today nothing nothing else comes out of your mouth just today just today it seems like you got reason a great reason for saying that you start that tomorrow morning for saying at the end of the day you got to say it 15 times post on my instagram what happened at the fbi negotiate tell me what kind of day you had i guarantee you you're going to have a cooler day than you ever could have imagined.

34:58And what, first of all, well done. And that's a great example. Like, and it, and it bought you time, you know, and it stopped you from, uh, you know, counter launching your nuclear missiles, mutually assured destruction, right? You're right. Can I tell you the other thing it did? It not only connected us, I'm working on some content I'm creating right now that I just stumbled into in my life the last five years, where I talk about changing the lens in your life when you're engaging with people of switching it because you're we all see them and our relationship with them through our lens our filter our lens and so I'm creating work right now that talks about creating an ability just to be a better human about switch the lens and have your mom see you through how your mom sees you you know how does she react to you less and change the lens is the bottom line and what it actually did in that moment for me, so so angry, is it changed the lens and I actually saw me from him.

35:54And when I started to see what he sees in me, it helped me better understand his position, but also how to respond and react and connect with him. The topic of today's podcast, we're going to call flip the lens. And I've been waiting a while to put this on the podcast because I've been writing about it. It'll be in my next book, but now I feel like I'm able to articulate the concept. And so I wanted to put it out to all of you in an effort to maybe help you with your personal and your business relationships. I think it's sort of, at least for me, it's been groundbreaking understanding and work.

36:25And so first, let me tell you how I stumbled upon this level of understanding and this work, the concept. First, I think it'll make sense for you. And then we'll break it out and sort of extrapolate it into our personal business relationships. So maybe about a year ago, I was at my mom's house. I was visiting. And just for a quick second, I was going to make an Instagram post. So I went to take a selfie picture and I held the camera out and I went to take the picture, except when I held it up, I don't know if you had this happen. The lens was the other lens, the lens had flipped and the picture wasn't facing me.

36:56It was my mom. And I caught this glimpse just of my mom in the other end of my phone, just for a second. I was expecting to see me, but I didn't. I saw her and I saw my mom. And it just struck me looking at my mom through this lens when I was expecting to see it through the lens that would see me. I just had this flash of seeing my mom differently. And ironically, seeing my mom see me, if that makes sense, because she was watching me take this picture. And it flipped the lens. It switched the lens for me instantly to where, let me explain, I saw my mom seeing me, not me seeing my mom. And in a minute, I was just flooded with all these thoughts.

37:44What does my mom see of me? Now, obviously, I'm her only son. She loves me. I'm not referring to those kind of things. What's the lens through which my mom has experienced me? And I thought, does she, you know, obviously, she sees me at holidays or whatever, you know, and we talk on the phone. But her lens of life looking at me, and it dawned on me, in life, we see every relationship we're in through our lens. through how we see them and how we see them seeing us. I don't want to get too deep here, but that's completely different than seeing them as they see us. And I thought, what's my mom's experience with her only son?

38:25Does she get the time with him that she wants? Is the depth of our conversations to the extent that she would like them to be? Am I in a hurry too often when I see her? Do I take it for granted too often? And then that day, as I was driving away, I started to picture all the relationships in my life that meant something to me through their lens of looking at me. The last time my daughter saw me walk in a room, the last hundred times, how did I respond? What did she see? What was my mood? What were our interactions? What were the topics? How much was laughter? How much was intense? How much was just looking at our phones?

38:59And I started to see my daughter and the lens through which she sees me, her conversations, her experiences. Does she see me stressed, worried. Does she worry about me? What are her thoughts about me? Am I too brief? Do I stay on the phone too long? Am I helping her? Do I listen to her like I need to? And it flashed to several of my friends. And in a lot of those friendships, I thought, well, they're just in maintenance mode. I see them. And when I see them, I see how much I love them and believe in them and think they're awesome and funny. But when they look through their lens at me, do they see a man who loves them, who believes in them, who thinks they're funny, who listens deeply, who cares about them deeply?

39:36Do they see that through their lens? It's a trip. When you begin to see other people in your life and just you consciously, when you're with them or you think about them, switch that lens around and look through their eyes at you, you'll learn a lot real quickly. It's actually very humbling. And it's interesting that you could go your entire life, if you didn't hear this or think about it, only seeing life through the lens of your own eyes outward and never flipping it to their eyes outward. And I just thought about so many different relationships in my life. So many of them that I think are going very well, or I'm going to get around to it, or I feel a sense of emotion with this person or depth of friendship.

40:19And then I flashed to one buddy of mine and like, wow, the last three times he's replied to me, he called me, I replied with a text. He hasn't even seen me in many months. And when he does see me, what did he see in those conversations? What did he hear about? What did he feel? What did he experience? And as I've said many times, you're always making people feel something. So you should be intentional about what it is they're feeling, but they're also seeing and hearing things all the time as well. It's a very interesting way that we go through this life, almost in this projection, almost in this dimension that we live inside ourselves.

40:55and we see everything from our perspective, but we almost never stop and see it from theirs. And this isn't the old adage of put yourself in their shoes. I'm saying put yourself in their lens. What do they see, feel, hear, and experience from you? It'll shock you how much you overestimate some relationships, the depth of them, and the extent to which they feel the things you assume they feel from you or about you. And then I switched it from that to my business relationships. Some of the people I'm in business with that I have in maintenance mode. You know exactly what I mean. But the last 20 times my assistant saw me walk into the office.

41:38What did she see? Did I stop and talk? What was her lens? Did I ask about her children? Was there a depth of exchange there? Was I in a hurry? Did she see me stressed? Did she see me worried? Was I caring and kind or was I rude and flippant or short? it. And then I thought, now take that last one and the one before that and the one before that. And what about the last 30? What's the lens that she sees me through? People that I'm in negotiations with now, I stop and think, what's their lens? What are they seeing? What are they feeling? What are they experiencing before this conversation and after?

42:10And it's absolutely changed the way that I interact with people. It's made me connect more deeply. It's made me care more deeply. It's made me more conscious and intentional about my interactions with people. And frankly, in many senses, somewhat ashamed of how maintenance mode so many relationships have been in, how passive I've been, the lack of depth, the surface level conversations, how I'm brief with certain people, how certain people have seen me in stress the last four times they've seen me. And it changes you deeply. It certainly has changed the way that I look at my relationship with my mom probably most.

42:55I'm her son, so she loves me, but do we have conversations as friends? Do I know her as an individual outside the family, or do I just know her as mom? I caught my mom saying to me the last three or four times we talked, thank you for calling me. And I thought my mom shouldn't have to thank me for calling her. I didn't feel right about that. Take your family, the people that are most important to you, just for a second, even close your eyes and switch it. What's their lens seeing? What are they feeling? Not just the last conversation, the last 10, the last 30, the last 50. How about your friends?

43:36What's the lens that they see you through. How do they see you, right? How do they see you? Not how you see them, not how you would like them to see you or feel about you, or you assume they do. Stop and look at the camera through which they've been observing you for however how long. Then go to business just for a second. The people that you work with or you're negotiating with, clients of yours. This is huge for those of you that are in sales, which almost every business in the world is sales of some type. What's the lens? I'll give you an example. I'm sitting in this barn that I'm restoring here on my property.

44:14And right outside the door here every day, there's a group of men that are doing masonry work. They're great guys. And they've been here for quite a while. They had to do a wall back here. They're doing different walls. And it's hand-laid stone there. If you're looking at this video, if you have video, they did this fireplace right here, which is just, it's huge. That doesn't even show most of it. But anyway, they're craftsmen. and every time I come down here, hey, guys, how are you doing? What's going on? We'll talk about the Red Sox or whatever, and then I thought about their lens just for a second the other day because I'm working on this, and as I was driving down here, I'm like, you know, I assume they know I think they do great work, but then I thought about their lens.

44:54I've walked by their work like 10 times in a row and not complimented them once, not thanked them one time. You know, I've said hello. We've engaged. We've talked about sports. They've asked me about my show and how I became, you know, whatever, a speaker and well-known how to get, you know, whatever I've got, but I've walked by their work at least 10 times. So they've watched this man who they're doing work for walk right by their work 10 times in a row or more and never acknowledge it. Never thank them for it. Never tell them it was good work. Never give them feedback on how to fix it. I just walked by, this is their craft.

45:26This is what they do with their lives. This is obviously one of the most important things they have. I've been seeing it through my lens. I like the work. I like them. Hello, blah, blah, blah. But when I switched it and saw it through their lens, I was embarrassed that they've watched someone walk right by their work, whom obviously they take pride in and would probably like to impress and probably would love to be told some feedback about it. And so it changes everything when you use this concept. And I want you to begin to use it. And then flip it all the way over to how strangers see you or when you meet someone new.

46:02hi i'm ed my ladder hi i'm sarah whatever the interactions when you meet people what are they seeing not what do you see what are they saying here's the other cool thing about it it calms you down there's not a lot of pressure on you to say or do all the right things you're actually an observer of your life now you're observing not just from your perspective though the other thing i found is my depth of connection with people that i otherwise may not connect with it may disagree with me about economics or politics or whatever. I see them differently because I'm seeing me through them, not just how I look at them individually.

46:39So I hope you can take this concept and really extrapolate it. You'll be much more conscious of how you're making people feel. You'll also be much more conscious of other people's feelings. You're going to be a far better persuader. You're going to be far better at marketing. Take marketing for a minute. What if you just flip the switch right now? All of you in marketing, whether it's internet marketing or in-person marketing or print marketing. And right now you switch the lens and ask yourself, what are they seeing from me? What's their lens of my email, of my funnel or whatever it might be?

47:10Ask yourself that. If you make content online and you're doing any type of branding, switch the lens, not from like looking at your video, like what do you see? Do you like your video? But what do they see? What do they feel? What are they experiencing? What are their opinions about you, your trustworthiness level, your credibility level, your knowledge level, right? Your entertainment level, your connection to them and not enough people. Most people just push content out through their own lens, through their own camera, through what they see, not ever really thinking about what the person is experiencing from their perspective when they interact with you.

47:46So I know this is really kind of a new thing for most people and you got to be careful because it's so fascinating that if you're not careful, everybody you see, you're actually doing this with, but I'm telling you, you're going to begin to sense that you're much more connected to people instantly. You're going to evaluate some relationships immediately and you go, my gosh, that's not the lens I want them to see. I noticed just with my kids, I'm like, I think they just see me stressed out too much. You know, I, I assume they know I'm strong and that I'm fighting and that I'm focused, right? I'm a focused, intense dude, but their lens, that maybe dad's stressed, dad's worried.

48:21Should I be worried about dad, right? I don't see it through their lens. I see it through mine. They're seeing an intense, focused, driven dad. But maybe they've seen too much of that through their lens the last five, 10, 20, 30 times they're with me. And maybe they worry about their dad. Maybe they'd like their dad to relax a little bit. They obviously know I've had some health challenges. I'm not even posted on social media. My travel schedule's down to 20 % of what it used to be. So I can't do what I was doing pace-wise right now until I get a little healthier. So what's their lens? What do I want them to see and feel and experience?

48:53It will change everything. The biggest thing you're going to notice is you have a dramatic misperception, overestimation of what they're seeing and feeling because you only see it through your lens. And by the way, your lens is affected every day by what you're going through, your stress level, your worries, your concerns, your thoughts, your energy, your diet, your nutrition, your sleep, right? Your hydration, all of it, affects the lens you see things through. There could be the same exact situation that you see very differently two different days. One day you're in a peak state, focused, things are going good, you've got momentum and you're in flow, you're in the zone.

49:29You see something through that lens. Six weeks later, the exact same event could happen and you're tired, frustrated, angry, worried, dealing with a mountain of problems, and that impacts your lens. And the biggest thing overall that you're going to figure out when you begin to do this is that perception is reality. And whatever lens it is they're seeing things through is true to them. And the one you see it through for you probably isn't true for them. It's just true for you based on the filter of your life that day. And so all of this stuff with these lenses is filtered through current experience.

50:08It's also filtered through repetition. If the last time I saw you, you walked right by me and were dismissive of me, I'm less apt to connect with you the next time you try. If the last time you were there to persuade and sell me, I felt pushed and pressured. The next time you walk in for the follow-up visit, I'm much more on guard and skeptical, and you have a much bigger hurdle to get through to earn my trust back than you did after the first time or before the first time. So this is a really healthy tool for you. It's going to change almost everything in your life. I've been really excited. I've been writing about it.

50:44And it's altered every relationship I've got. And it's even altered like how I interact with a flight attendant on an airplane or a server in a restaurant. I've always really thought I was good at this. I'm serious. And maybe I have been better than most at it. I'm not really good at that many things, but I do think I make a pretty good connection when I meet people. I don't have lots of talents or skills, but one of them's been that. But even at that, I think I overestimated it until I started this. And then I thought, wow, this isn't exactly the way I thought it was. If I were them, I would see X, Y, or Z.

51:19And so really spend some time in contemplation about this. You don't have to be with that person to do it. Just evaluate these relationships, your children, your parents, your siblings. What type of a brother or sister are you? Main things with family is we really take them for granted. We really just assume, well, they're my family. I see them at Christmas. I see them at holidays. You know, we're good. We'll get around to really being good. The truth is that's not fair. Just because there's the same blood running through your veins doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same level of effort, communication, repetition, caring that you give other people.

51:53Oftentimes, these are the people that get cheated the most because we feel like we've got extra deposits in the bank simply because we're family. And we don't even give them the same level of attention, concern, caring, grace that we might extend to a stranger or someone we're trying to do business with. And so it'll affect you. You know, one thing I want to add about this, too, is that you need to use this with the right intention. You know, the wrong person grabs a hold of work like this and they begin to use it to manipulate or to do harm because now they're wearing a mask. this is this needs to come from a place of true sincerity like any work it can be used for good or for ill and you know a lot of people that frankly take advantage of people are excellent at this already they know exactly how to see it but what they're doing is they're wearing a mask they're wearing a mask that is persuasive and manipulative towards people now i happen to believe that you can't transfer to somebody sincerely that which you're not really experiencing And so usually intuition will tell you when someone's doing this, but I want to be really clear.

52:55You have to have great intent. If there's one thing I've talked the most about over the last two or three years that I learned from Wayne Dyer, it's the power of intention. and I think more than anything you have to have an intention to serve, an intention to give, an intention to heal, an intention to be kind towards others and if you don't, I think at some point even you using this methodology and this technology that I'm talking about here, if you're using it to do harm, if you're doing it to persuade somebody to buy something they don't need or can't afford or you're doing it to manipulate, I just want you to know that eventually that lens will come back to hurt you.

53:35And so please use this with the right intention. What I'm really doing right now, I feel like is sharing with so many good people, the things that they should have known most of their lives, that sometimes the most manipulative people understand. I'm talking about coming from a very sincere place of really, I believe it's true love, true kindness, true humility, is to see less of yourself and more of them. You know, there's two types of people in life that would use what I'm talking about. There's a type of person that walks in a room and says, here I am. And then there's a type of person who walks in and says, there you are.

54:15There you are. I want to be a there you are person. And so if you're a here I am, now you're beginning to use that lens to get people to notice you and see you and acknowledge you and do things for you that you want them to do. But the right person takes this and says, there you are. And that that person from their lens feels seen, feels heard, feels loved, cared about, valued. That's the most powerful thing about this. That's the most important thing. So many people through their lens feel invisible, feel like nobody sees them, feels like they're just a pawn in the game, that they're not valued, that they're not worth something, that they don't count.

55:01And the most important thing you can do when someone's looking at you through their lens is they feel sincerely. I'm cared about. I matter. I'm important. I'm valuable. that matters to people i have value i have value i'm not invisible i'm not worthless i'm not small And when you begin to do this the right way, man, are you spreading something powerful in the world for good. You become a tremendous force for good. I have to tell you, in all of the work I do, the one thing I sense more than ever in this culture of wherever we are now, celebrity idolization at its highest, is that so many people don't feel seen, valued, important, never mind loved, just acknowledged.

55:55I see you. There you are. Not here I am. Probably the most important thing I could tell you about using this work here. In almost all of our relationships in our lives, we see everything through our own lens and not the lens of the other person. And when you begin to switch that perspective and just think just for a second about what it is they are seeing in their lives, it will awaken you. And in some cases, it's a rude awakening. Because let me tell you something. Most people feel invisible. They don't feel worthy. They don't feel important. They don't feel valued. Never mind loved in many cases.

56:31and when you're interacting with clients, the most important thing you can do is see that interaction, that coaching call, that sales call through their lens. It will be the most incredible awakening. It also is the best way for you to be able to spread kindness, love, value, worth to other people. And I have to tell you that if you begin this week to see every conversation through the lens of the other person, your whole world would change. It'll also help you spread more of the things in life that you would like to spread. I promise you it will change things for you. So this week, you get a call today.

57:02Before you get on that call, see that call through their lens. If you've had one of them already, what did they actually see and feel last time? Do they feel seen, valued, believed in? If you're supposed to be giving them growth items, are they growing? Do they feel growth? Do they feel cared for? Do they feel like they're getting overwhelmed with value compared to what you charge them? Do they feel like they're winning this with you? If you don't have that going this week, if you've got a sales call, when you're communicating with them throughout that call, switch the lens and see what they're feeling, hearing, and seeing from you.

57:34It'll cause you to make the right adjustments on the fly. If you've got calls on the phone, Zoom calls, begin to feel and see things through their lens. You are hyper addicted, I promise you, to your own lens. hyper addicted to your own lens completely addicted to seeing things through your lens your view your filter your emotions your worries and your thoughts and that guides everything you do which is why your influence is limited but if you begin to see things the way i'm referring to them your influence will expand dramatically the way you communicate with people what they feel and by the way if you're in sales do they trust you right do they think you're competent and do they trust you?

58:16They're asking themselves all the time. Can I trust this person? Do they care about me? And can they help me? That's what they're asking themselves all the time. And if you're just talking from your lens, typically what you're doing is just trying to show them that you can help them. And there's not enough coming from you that sees them, that feels them, that listens to them through their lens where they say, I can trust this person. They can help me. They care about me. These are the three questions they're asking themselves all the time. I promise you that if you see it through their lens, and by the way, you can do this with your children this week.

58:47What lens have they seen you through this morning, the last week, the last 10 times they've seen you? Your siblings. I had to evaluate a lot of this. And in my own case, my own siblings, I'm in too much maintenance mode with them. They're not getting a depth of relationship with me that they deserve because they're my siblings. I just take it for granted. They take it for granted. Well, they're my sisters. I'm their brother. Like we're good for life, right? We don't have to work on this stuff? Yes, you do. And so I've taken that for granted because they're my family. Somehow family in our lives, like, well, they're family.

59:19I don't have to really work hard at that relationship. You don't have to. Yes, you do. And if you don't wake up, you know, you'll end up much older and just have a maintenance mode with your siblings, which sucks. It's not what you want. You want a depth of relationship. I want them to feel loved, believed in, valued, cared for, important, smart, somebody that I need in my life. And so I would challenge you to do that with your clients, with your family. You'll have a much better week, a much more productive week, and you'll be 10 times, a hundred times more influential as a result. I can tell you that your sales, persuasion, marketing, connection with the marketplace, branding, social media, any of that stuff will be infinitely better if you begin to see the world through their lens, not yours.

1:00:10It's going to be really powerful for you. So I hope that helped you today. It certainly has helped me. And I just challenge you. I'm doing it right now with you. I'm doing it right now with you with the content I'm creating. I begin to think even more deeply through what you see, feel, and experience. Because I know how I feel about you. I know how I feel about the work I want to do. I know how much I want to give. I know my heart to serve. I also know that you need to feel that and experience that if I'm going to have the impact on you that I want to. And oftentimes I think I take for granted that people just know that.

1:00:44What if you're brand new to my video? What if this is the first one you've seen? And so it's altered a little bit the way I communicate my message. And I think it will with you with others as well. Rinse takes your laundry and hand delivers it to your door. Expertly cleaned and folded. So you could take the time once spent folding and sorting and waiting to finally pursue a whole new version of you. Like tea time you. Mmm. Or this tea time you. Or even this tea time you. So did you hear about Dave? Or even tea time, tea time, tea time you. Mmm. So update on Dave. It's up to you. We'll take the laundry.

1:01:22Rinse. It's time to be great. When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, you know your choices matter. You're the expert because you know what fits your life. And getting it right starts with good information. That's why America's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at GoodToKnowFacts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients. Visit GoodToKnowFacts.org. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify.

1:02:02Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Chuck Wisner. Chuck, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. So talk a little bit about in ourselves evaluating our triggers when we're listening to somebody. The storytelling conversation is the first one for a very good reason, because unless we begin to understand the stories we tell ourselves, right? Some help us, some harm us, right? But until we understand our storytelling patterns, and I use patterns in a very particular way because it takes sting out of judgment. The patterns we have around stories and patterns we have around how we get triggered, the patterns we have around reacting to people, we didn't even choose those.

1:02:50They're unconscious patterns by our family, by our culture, by our teachers, by our friends, just our social stuff. So we have patterns, right? So we can start looking at the story I'm telling as a pattern. I can then look at myself with less judgment. And in a way, what your friend did was he was able to reveal his story about his childhood. Right. And and that there's a couple of things happening. He's revealing he's opening his hand. I'm concerned because I know what it's like to be on the other side. I have my standards say that, you know, we can afford to help take care of some of these people because they do need it.

1:03:33And, you know, so so he revealing his hand and also it begins to show some vulnerability. And so if I show some vulnerability, the other person or in your case with that conversation, as your friend shared his story, that vulnerability changes the other person that reduces that tension. all conversations where there's tension, they're somehow involved in that is a judgment of the other person. What does one do? Because it's hard. You're like, this guy's crazy. He's out of his mind. What a bozo. You know, like it's very difficult to do. He really believes this crap. You catch yourself mid-sentence already raising your hand going, this dude is, I got to, let me fix this guy.

1:04:18Right. Let me fix this. So what do you do when you're starting to feel this judgment or because you know maybe the guy is crazy right like i it but what i found out in my life is like you're not going to change that person by attacking them you're not going to change that person by somehow being more authoritative than them which we'll talk about in a minute in business about the power dynamic yeah but what what is a practice that i can do when i'm in mid judgment almost of somebody going what in the world are you talking about is there something you do what's what's a technique or a thought one technique i like and it's a sort of a metaphor of if if something's coming at you and you really dislike what's going on your automatic pattern right is to react yes right because because it goes into your system goes through your your brain and and the pattern pops out very little effort on your part that's right that's right right it's triggered So the idea is to begin to name your patterns.

1:05:20So if you have a pattern of where a certain person kind of person or a certain kind of conversation, whether it's politics or sex or abortion, that is a trigger for you, just be totally aware of that pattern and name it. In fact, there's a thing called voice dialogue where you can actually name that voice in your head. Like there's Snobby Chuck or there's Intellectual Chuck or there's Hurt Little Boy Chuck. You can sort of name it. And if you can name the patterns and become familiar with it, then you might be able to catch it before it enters your body. It loses its power over you when you become aware of it and name it.

1:06:01Yeah. Yeah. And then you can catch it. And then if you catch it, then literally in the book, those four questions that peppers through the book, just ask yourself, is there a power issue here? If I have a strong judgment, what standard am I basing that on? I mean, standards are in every judgment we have. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. John Maxwell, welcome back to the show, brother. You do something you talk about in the book.

1:06:40We might as well just start there. You have the ability to take really complicated things and make them seem simple. Yeah. And you talk about that as actually one of the laws in the book of being able to be a great communicator. Is that something that you do? I'm sure you do it intentionally, but do you do it naturally? Well, I do it intentionally. Let me say this. I was a good student, but I wasn't a great student. And so a lot of times when I was in college or in a classroom, I would want the professor to break it down and make it much more simple. I would look around the room. I said, am I the only one that's having a hard time here and not maybe grasping and learning like I need to?

1:07:21And so really, as a student, I worked on helping. When I would hear a talk, I would say, how could that be reduced so I can apply it to my life? And so it almost started as a student. And I learned to reduce things and bring them down. And I tell people all the time, I'm a communicator, not an educator. An educator takes something simple and makes it complicated. I mean, that's just who they are. I mean, honestly, if you're in the education world, if you're not confused, they're not pleased. You know what I'm saying? But then a communicator takes something complicated and makes it simple. And so my whole goal is to make things very palatable for people.

1:08:02One of the things I teach in the book is the fact that if you have to keep explaining what you just said, you haven't said it right the first time. I mean, and how many times we have a person explain and explain. I just sit there and think, why didn't you take some time on the front end to simplify this so that everybody can apply it to their life? And there are three, real quickly, there are three kind of, I take the simplistic, I start with simplistic. And simplistic is not good. It's fast and it's easy, but it's not really deep and helpful. And it's a half truth, it's never a whole truth. So if I say things like, experience is the best teacher, that's a simplistic statement.

1:08:49But it's not true. If it were true, then as people got older, everybody get better. And I know a whole bunch of people, they're getting older, but they're not getting better. The experience isn't helping them at all. Although experience is not the best teacher, reflection and learning from that experience is the best teacher. Wow. So how do I get from experience as the best teacher to reflection and learning from experience as the best teacher? Well, you've got to go from simplistic to complicated or complex. In other words, you've got to wrestle with the statements. And you've got to contextually take them from every angle until you can come to something that is really solid and something that is really true and something that really works.

1:09:32And so just as simplistic as easy and fast, you know, complex, complicated is slow and deep. but once you come through that and it takes a while to do that once you come through it on the simple side now it's fast but it's deep in other words people can grab it real quick but then they go home and they think about it and they just can't get away from it like when you wrote the book The Power of One More that is so simple that you can grasp it immediately, but you have to spend a lot of time on it to work it out in your life. What a great point. Yeah, what a great point. So here's the issue. I think in communication, when I was young, when I was a young communicator, I saw that I had charisma and I saw that I could probably get by on stage with having fun with people and enjoying them and making them laugh.

1:10:41And I came to this decision, am I going to wing it or am I going to work for it? And I was tempted to wing it because I could wing it and I could get by with it. See, here's the challenge. When you're gifted in a certain area, you can wing it and still be successful. You can be in that top 20%. But to work for it, that's a whole different game. And in the law of simplicity, you have to work for this. You have to work for work. Simple is hard work. But if you work for it, you can get in the top 2%. Yeah. And so what I tell people all the time is the tendency and the temptation is in giftedness is you don't give it all because you just don't have to give it all.

1:11:27I mean, it's just, it comes. But because you don't give it all, you do well, but you don't do very, very well. But if you would just work on that area of giftedness, you'd get that top 2%. And you know as well as I do. If you're in the top 2%, whatever it is, you own whatever you want to own. The world is yours. And so simple, I decided at a very young age, in my 20s, I was going to work for it. I was just going to work for it. And I spent a lot of time. This morning, I write every day. This morning, I was writing, and I was wanting to make a statement. And I worked on a statement probably for 40 minutes.

1:12:04and I would write it and I said, no, that's not quite right, gotta work no, no, it's still in a fit and then finally about 20 minutes I thought, okay, I got it, there it is, there it is so I get up and I make this statement and people say, oh my gosh, the guy just that just flows out of him no, no, it didn't flow out of me it didn't either, it had to cook and work it inside of me a long time but I get it to the place where it flows out of me it doesn't flow So good stuff doesn't happen automatically. No. You know what I'm saying? When I tell people that I do that, too, that are other speakers, I kind of watch oftentimes their face kind of glaze over.

1:12:42Like, you really do that? I say, I do, because I do want to be as effective as I can. By the way, I should have started out by saying to everybody that you can go to 16lawsofcommunication.com, and that's with the one six in it, 16lawsofcommunication.com. You get the book, and I guess there's favorable pricing in there, too. You can actually get it for less. So 16lawsofcommunication.com, you can go get it. Listen, I can just say this with all conviction in the world. The best books I've read collectively in my life are John's books. And the best speaker that I admire that I look up to is John. So when he writes a book on this topic, it is something that you need to have.

1:13:18And for the record, everybody, some of you who are listening to this is going, I'm afraid to speak. I don't know that I should be one. And one of the brilliant things in the book is, and I'll have you talk about this, John, is that a great speaker, and I have found this, I think when I was young, when I would speak, if I'm being honest, part of it was about me. Probably a significant part. Meaning, I wanted to impress them. I wanted to wow them. You know, I wanted them to think I was great. That did a few things. One, I made less of a connection. But two, it put tremendous pressure on me because it was about me.

1:13:51And a lot of you that are afraid of speaking that would probably be great at it, it's because you're approaching it already from it being about you. And if you would just shift the impact to the service of others, your peace about even trying to do it would change and you'd be a 10 times better speaker. So that's one of the laws in the book too. So we might as well start there because I think some people need to come into this tent of speaking, John, to the tent of communication that thinks they don't belong in our tent and they do belong in the tent. Their flawed thinking is they think it's about them and that creates anxiety and fear, which is sort of ego driven.

1:14:25So talk about that for a second. 100%, my friend, 100%. It's the law of connecting. And the law of connecting just simply says communicators know that it's all about others. It's all about others. And I can identify exactly. When I started speaking, it was all about me. I mean, I hope they like me. I hope I say it right. Did I say it right? Oh my gosh. And it became like I was a nervous bundle. Yes. Because I was, man, I hope I did okay. So when people say, John, what's the one thing? I know there are 16 laws, but what's the one thing to be a great communicator? Well, the one thing, Ed, is you have to get over yourself.

1:15:09You just have to get over yourself. It is not about me. It's about the audience. It's not about me. It's about the small group I'm dealing with. It's not about me. It's about the one person I'm talking, having a one-on-one conference. them. It's all about them. And until I can get over myself, because if it's about me, I can't really add value to you if I'm thinking about me. I'm not that good. I don't have the ability to think about me and think about you and be good on both ends. I'm a little limited. Maybe some people can, but I can't. So if it's going to be about you, I've got to be thinking about you, and I've got to be focused on you.

1:15:46And very quickly, you'll realize, John really wants to help me and add value to me. I mean, it's contagious and it's that connection. So I tell people to get over themselves. And so we did it. When this book released, we did a video and I told the people that were producing, I said, I want to start the video in the audience. I said, I don't want you to shoot me on stage. And I was in the audience all by myself sitting in a chair. And they zoomed in to me. And I said, this is where great speaking begins right here. I have to constantly be thinking about the people and how can I connect with them?

1:16:29What can I say? How can I help them? Where are they? You know, you have to find them before you can lead them. You just don't start leading people. You just don't start speaking. You have to find them. And as soon as you find them, now all of a sudden you have to create. So this whole get over myself, let me tell you a fun story. There's a company in Nashville. This guy has a very successful writing company. And he's read my books. In fact, he came to me. I didn't know him. He said, I built my business off your stuff. And he said, you ought to write songs based on your books. well I looked at him and said man I've never done that before but you know me I'm 76 but I keep growing I keep learning I keep I mean why not try this so I went to Nashville and he put me in the studio with like guys that wrote number one hits I mean big hits they were you know I'm like I always say if you're at the head of the class you're in the wrong class well I should have even been in the class on this one I mean these these guys were pros and and I'm in there throwing that and and so So we took the book on the laws of communication and I said, I would like to use the get over myself theme.

1:17:37And so we wrote a song called get over myself. And so if you're a listener, all you got to do is go wherever you, you know, I don't know where you get your music, but wherever you get it, just, you know, get, get over myself. And the chorus says, and the chorus says it all is that I got to find myself to know myself. I got to know myself to be myself. I got to be myself to improve myself. I got to improve myself so I can get over myself so I can give myself to you. Oh, wow. That's very good. And the song is going crazy. The song's going crazy. I got another one from my book, Make Today Count, called Day by Day.

1:18:17And I got my Sometimes Win, Sometimes You Learn book or songs will come out next month. But I'm having a blast writing these songs. And of course, again, I'm the least of the least. And they're so kind, they even let me in the studio with them, but I'm throwing this stuff up and we're just having a blast. But I tell you, the moment that you think about the audience, and I can hardly wait to speak. I'm not nervous at all. I can hardly wait to speak because I'm going to go out and I'm going to give them something that is going to help their life. And that is so fulfilling and so enriching to me that it gets me over anything that is about me.

1:18:56Yeah. It's all about me. Are you getting ready to win a Grammy? This will be crazy. You're going to win a dang Grammy for your music now. I told him. Thanks. I have no idea, but I know I'm having fun. You know, again. I don't know if you all understand this. John's 76 years old. And I think you all go, hey, man, Ed, you work hard. They see my social media and my pace. and I am telling you this is not this is not I'm not being nice John is everywhere all the time crushing it crushing it yet like before he went on he's told me about golf that he just played there's a way to have I think one of the keys to longevity is that you do live a full rich life but you do bust your tail the entire time John is I've been with John's but I just got from Europe I'm going here now I'm in Tennessee oh I gotta fly to California my gosh am I getting out work by John And by the way, you can tell his enthusiasm level is through the roof as well.

1:19:51I want to ask you this, though. Did you just say you're not nervous when you speak? Do you not get nerves at all anymore? No, no. Have you had it? I think you tell a story, though, a time you did. I think you were going to Boston. I think it's going to Boston, maybe. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I study you. So you're going to Boston. As I think the story goes, you were replacing a speaker or something. But there's a great lesson in this story. Do you know the one I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. You talk about Peter Lowe when he had his seminars. And he called me one day. And I was home. And he said that, oh, gosh, the guy that was Superman in the movies.

1:20:29Chris Reeves. Yeah. What's his name? Reeves. Christopher Reeves. Yeah, Christopher Reeves. Christopher Reeves. Okay. He was sick. And he was the last speaker on the day. And he said, I can't speak today. And so Peter says, he called me in the morning and said, John, can you get up to Boston and fill in? I said, well, yeah. So I jumped on a plane and I went up to Boston. And I got there just maybe 30 minutes before I was supposed to speak. And so I'm kind of backstage. They're getting me all hooked up. And then I find out they haven't told the crowd. Hello? They haven't told the crowd. And the Christopher Reeves is sick and isn't going to be here.

1:21:14The crowd, they've been staying all day waiting for Superman to come and show. And I'm backstage saying, you haven't told them yet? What do you mean? What are you doing to me? They're looking for Superman. They're not going to get Superman. They're going to get the Pillsbury Doughboy out there. They're not getting Superman. They're getting Fat Man. I mean, what are you doing? I kid you not. They went out right before. Now they're all Christopher Reeves. Here he comes. Superman's about to come. And we're so sorry. You know, Christopher Reeves couldn't come today. We have John Maxwell. Well,

1:21:59300 people get up and walk out as I'm coming out on stage. They're already leaving. I mean, they're already leaving. And then when they see me, another 200 people get up. And it's like horrible. And I looked at him, and of course, all you could do is you just start laughing and say, you know, I'm so sorry. You know what I'm saying? Now, the good news is once I started speaking, no one else left. But, yeah, I mean, hello. I mean, who's going to replace Superman? Did you say something when you came out to grab their attention or to get them or to connect with them? Did you say something that saved them?

1:22:40I said, guess what? I'm not Superman. I'm in trouble and you're going to have to help me. But if you'll stay with me, I'm going to I'm going to help you. And you know what I did? I got him on my side. Really, what I did is I what you what you do in cases like this, like the international audience. When I speak internationally, I ask them questions all the time. I'll say, now, I want to tell you a story, but does this happen in your in your culture? and sometimes they'll say yes and I'll say, okay, let me tell you. What happens is if you do that, you engage them and very quickly they become an ally and they get on your side.

1:23:16And so they helped me. So when they realized that I wasn't Superman, they said, well, Fat Man needs my help. I'm going to hang in with him. And they did. And so it came out okay. But obviously I was set up. I mean, I was set up for, there's no good anything about, I mean, when I saw that on back, I never in my life have I been more tempted to turn around. Oh, my gosh. I can't even imagine. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest.

1:23:49Jason Wilson, thank you for being here. It's a pleasure. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. A lot of men are listening to this going, they're getting emotional. Like, you get this, the suicide thing was a tremendous stat you gave because, like you, I get reached out to men. I don't have any value to my family. You know, I don't, I don't, I I'm amazed by how many men, not just the number that take their lives, but actually contemplate it. Like you've shared, like I get, I get lots. I don't know the quantify the number, but lots of messages from men, particularly when they're failing financially, when men feel like they're failing financially, if you're with a man right now, if you're a woman and he's failing financially, I'm telling you so often, so much of his identity is worth is tied to earning and providing and winning, you be very vigilant with that man.

1:24:34And he is not playing his cards on the table. He is probably not showing you based on what Jason's talking about here, how he really feels. What would you say to the man though, who says, I do want to, because this is how we think. If I do that, I'm going to lose something. So this is how men think. Okay. This sounds good. I do want to be more present with my daughter. I probably would feel really good to cry when I need to. I'd like to laugh a little bit more and let my guard down and be who I really am. But then I'm going to lose this other part of me. I'm going to lose. So you have this great analogy of the lion and the lamb.

1:25:10I definitely need to have more lamb, but I'm afraid if I do that, I'm going to lose all the lion. And men do think this, you know that. What would you, what would you say to a man who's saying, I'm afraid I'm going to lose parts of me I do like if I become this new version of me? I don't think it's parts of them that they're afraid of losing. It's the people, the success, and everything that comes with just being the man or being a certain type of man. What I had to come to grips with was that I want to live from my heart, man. So a definition for a comprehensive man is a man who's courageous but also compassionate, strong but sensitive, a man who can boldly live from his heart instead of his fears.

1:25:52What do we do typically? We when we meet someone, let me guard because I don't know if they're really a good person and all these other things. So that hinders me from expressing the love I have, not just not for them, but just in general in life. I care about people. So as men, we stay guarded. And now we've shut off our hearts really from really expressing the full essence of who we are. So if a person hurts you or take advantage of you, that was a blessing because now you don't have to waste time in that relationship anymore. You didn't lose anything. It was all gain. And when men, I talked to men, even those who are wealthy seem to struggle with it a lot more.

1:26:32Of course. You reinforce your identity's reinforced over and over again. And so I never forgot the time I was at a track, man, and a doctor recognized me. And he says, man, I think it was a doctor or a lawyer. But anyway, he was professional, very successful. He wanted to take his life. And I said, why? He has a beautiful family. He said, I don't feel like I'm valuable. Yeah. I said, wow. And he was, this guy's very successful. But what he's saying is that he's really not living from his longing. Yeah. He's living from what he's been programmed to believe a man is. But we're so much bigger. We're so much more than masculine.

1:27:10So when we're confined to just providing, getting the watches, the clothes, the cars, the houses, we know that's nothing after a while. Once you buy it, it's done in a few days. Yes. So who you really are is what matters the most. And so we were walking. He says his counselor told him or therapist, you know, what about you? Ask him, what about your family? What about, you know, your mom and your kids? And he was like, well, what about me? And that's what I tell men. You are worth a living. Don't allow your entire life to be, you know, it's great to be a family guy. I am. But I don't allow my life to be completely centered around them.

1:27:50First is God. Then it's my family. And then it's my service. And then another thing that misleaves us is men, we fight to live this balanced life. Yeah. Like I don't I don't believe in that concept because if everything is balanced, that means everything gets the same amount of attention. So my family and the things that matter the most are in this part of the scale. And this is everything else, the success, books, everything else. This must always tip the scale. Yes. As soon as I start feeling it do this, I'm like, oh, it's too much here. Yeah. Let me get some of this off because this is really not important.

1:28:23This is not how I get my affirmation. This is not who I am as a man. But hearing my wife say, I'm so proud of you, Jay, and my daughter, Daddy, I love you, my son, leaning into me. When my mother was living, how proud she was, how that I was able to serve her with dementia and fight through so much. I want to stay in balance. And as men, we're trying to do everything, but we need to fight to do what's important. So good. And then we'll find the peace that we long for, man. So good. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify.

1:28:56Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. I'm honored to have the great Brad Lee here today. Brad, thanks for being here, brother. Man, I'm honored. I'm honored. You treated selling, this is important, by the way, because I did too young. I started out just in the selling business, too. But you treated selling like it was your own business. Well, it is. Elaborate. What do you mean? When you're on commission, you don't have a limit. So if you're going to give me cars, let's use cars or art, because I've sold art, cars, RVs. ridiculous vacuums really candy bars yeah I've sold everything matter of fact at six years old there's a story about selling candy bars that is pretty funny but give me it I want to hear well I was six years old and they and they gave out the boxes of candy world's finest chocolates yeah you remember those yes they were delicious they were yeah I mean still to this day I think they're probably the best actual chocolate with almonds you can find so I went out and I started selling candy bars and all the other kids that couldn't sell their candy bars normally they would ship them back to the company and that was it well they just gave me all of the candy bars everyone else couldn't sell and I literally sold every candy bar that the school received and but I know knocking doors yeah I went on knocked on doors they'd open the door and I'd have it behind my back and when they answer the door I would say do you have the phone number to a good roof repairman and they'd always be like no it's six years old you say six years and I developed it all by myself I don't know how but I said do you have the phone number to a good roof repairman they said no why and I say because when you taste one of these you're going to go through the roof and people were just buying a little six-year-old little face saying that out people and people were just buying boxes at a time and I'll take 20 of them so I learned selling then okay I'm going to point this out what you just did I told Brad before we went on the camera because you just did it again that he has an interesting way of communicating.

1:30:54Remember when I told you this earlier? You just did it again. You started it at six years old. This is why I want you to follow him because a lot of people speak the same way. They'll say, here's what I'm going to tell you, then they tell you. Brad's communication style is it ends up a punchline. You don't know where you're going and then boom, you land somewhere. Whether that's a joke or a sales pitch or a close or a statement, watch when you watch him. Just so you know, you did it at six years old. You start with the candy bar behind your back, right? Do you need a roof? And boom, then you come back at them.

1:31:21So you always take them down an interesting road when you communicate. It's very unique to this dude with the way that you talk. It is. And it's why I think your social media stuff is interesting. Because it's not like, let me tell you what you need to think and then you say it. You start out somewhere and I don't know where we're going and then boom, there's a punchline and we land somewhere. And when I say punchline, it may not mean something funny. It just may mean you take me where you're going to take me. It's almost like going around the corner and I find the prize. And that's what you were doing when you closed then too.

1:31:46So that's awesome, by the way. You started that at six. Started at six, you know. So let me ask you a question. You're this good closer at six. You become a great car salesman, young. You've gone on to sell other things and been successful. Then you built this huge training thing that we're going to talk about in a minute. But I'm a sales person, which by the way, the first thing is the first step of that is admitting it, right? That I actually close. I actually sell, right? Give me a couple things that someone out here just got into sales or is in it and struggling, right? Like what's a couple real keys of being great at closing?

1:32:17One you've said you own it like your own business because not everybody does think that way. But give me a couple things. What makes a good closer, a good salesperson, a good persuader? The ability to listen first of all because a lot of salespeople really don't listen and they're not even prepared to ask good questions in order to get good answers. So I'll give you an example. When I used to train people, I would carry around a quarter, a dime, and a nickel. So they can put this on the screen if you're editing this. But pretend this is a quarter, and this is a dime, and this is a nickel. Now, I'm going to ask you a question.

1:32:57I want you to listen. Bob's mom has three kids. The first one is Nicholas. The second one is Demetrius. What's the third one's name? I don't know. What is it? Okay, well, I'm going to have you listen again. Okay, do it again. Bob's mom has three kids. The first one is Nicholas. Second one is Demetrius. What's the third one's name? I don't know. See, that's because you're not really actively listening. Okay. Now, actively listen to me. Okay. Bob's mom has three kids. The first one is Nicholas. The second one is Demetrius. What's the third one's name? You got me. I don't know. Listen closely. Stop it.

1:33:38Give me the answer. Bob's mom. Bob's mom. It's Bob. There you go. It takes me a while. See, you notice that it doesn't take you a while. You're not listening actively. I'm struggling with my IQ issues, but I got it eventually. I guarantee it's not that. And people do it all the time. They're not listening actively because we're having a conversation, and you're not trying to sell me anything. Right. But when someone says, what makes the best salesperson? Were all of you just watching and going, what the hell is wrong with me? or were any of you with me on that? Like, is at least 5 % of you with me that you did not know Bob's damn name?

1:34:14I'd say 90%. Because what it is, the trick is there's a damn N, a D, and a Q. So you're throwing me off with the Q. Yeah, well, that's why I'd have a dime, a quarter, and a nickel. So people are trying to, because they're not listening. So if you want to be great in sales, first of all, you need to learn to listen closely and actively. And then secondly, learn to ask the right questions. Wow, that is such an awesome illustration right there. My whole audience now just unfollowed me because they know how low my IQ is. Well, watch this. Well, you can edit it. But trust me. No, I'm going to leave it.

1:34:44It was awesome. 95 % of the people I do that with never get Bob. Sometimes they'll get it on the third one. Occasionally on the second one. Hardly ever they're listening. No, I'm leaving that in there. That's too damn good. However, knowing the right questions to ask, you know, when people start selling things, like if I say, you know, go ahead and sell me that, you know, people will start saying, oh, it's quality leather and it's gonna last a long time. And that's not really selling, that's telling. Selling, I have to know what it is about you that values that, and I do that through questions.

1:35:18So if I were gonna sell you that, I wouldn't just start selling it. Like most people, that's what they'll do. Like next time you talk to a salesperson that says they're top salesman, say, okay, well, sell me that chair. And they'll say, oh, this chair's constructed this way, and it's the greatest fabric, and it's gonna last the best. and they're not asking you, you know, who's the chair for? You know, are you replacing a chair? You know, what do you like about the chair you're replacing? What didn't you like about the chair you're replacing? So by the time I explain that chair, I can provide value and explain to you why it's valuable.

1:35:49Now, let's say, for example, you tell me that chair is so quality and it's going to last forever and I find out you're getting a divorce and you have to provide your ex-wife a replacement chair. Yeah. I just unsold you the chair, not even knowing it. Why? Because I didn't ask you some questions and listen to the answer. Well, that's the big thing. Cardone said this to me. Grant Cardone and I were talking about this very topic off camera also. And he said, because it's what you just did with me. It's not just asking the question, it's getting the answer. So a lot of people ask questions, but they never get the answer.

1:36:19You forced me through finally to get me to get the answer. Right. And that's what a good closer gets also. They don't just ask the question. They actually get the answer. I think some people think, all I got to do is ask a bunch of questions. Well, no, you have to get the answer and get them actively listening. That's why that was really powerful and why I want to absolutely leave that in there. So very, very good. You want to be good in sales, listen and ask good questions.

1:36:44This is The Ed Myron Show.