7 Powerful Questions to Stopping Fear and Anxiety

0:28So, hey, guys, are you frustrated with where you're at right now?

0:33This is The Ed Myron Show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So one of the things that I love about doing these solo episodes is it gives me a chance to respond directly to many of you about the questions that you ask. And one of the questions we get asked over and over again is, truly, how do I change the way I feel? Especially when I'm feeling fear or worry or anxiety, stress. And, you know, when I answer your questions, I have to be candid with you. A lot of times I'm helping myself as I answer these questions as well, because it's something that I struggle with. And I have to tell you, you know, as we get going today, I've struggled most of my life with living in some form of worry.

1:13And I'll talk about why that is today. And if you do that, maybe why it is for you. I know what it's like to be very afraid. I know what it's like to be stressed, feel overwhelmed, concerned. And that can turn into other emotions too that don't serve us like anger and frustration, depression, right? And so how do we change the way we feel? And I have some answers for you today that I think are going to help you. So today is going to be called seven questions you can ask yourself to change the way you feel. And they work. And there's probably more than seven, but I'm going to give you seven things to think about today.

1:46And why do I say questions to ask yourself? because the truth of the matter is the quality of our life is really the quality of how we feel or are the emotions we have. And the emotions we have and how we feel is oftentimes predicated on what we think about. And most people never stop back and go, okay, so if it's true, what I think about causes an emotion, like a thought causes an emotion and a feeling. What is thinking? What is a thought? And the truth is, a thought is a very quick process that happens internally of asking and answering a question to yourself. So the truth of the matter is, your life is really predicated on the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

2:25Because the quality of your questions gives you a thought, gives you an answer, which gives you a thought. That thought creates an emotion or a feeling or sometimes causes an action that can create an emotion or a feeling. So if you go all the way back, a quality of our life is the quality of our emotions. It's actually predicated on the quality of the questions that we ask ourselves. And so when you can take control of the internal questions you're asking yourself, it can change everything in your life. And when you're feeling fearful or worried or a form of anxiety, anger, it's typically because you're lacking some of these questions or you're asking them the wrong way.

2:59And so I'm going to cover those things with you today because questions direct our attention. And attention is almost everything. We really get what we pay attention to, don't we? What you pay attention to, you get. And the brain is really lazy. The brain is constantly trying to conserve energy. So it loves to run patterns. It loves habits. So when you begin to build the thought loop, the habit of asking yourself a question of what am I worried about? What am I lacking? Et cetera, et cetera. Your brain constantly goes to find those things because you can only process so much information at once, right?

3:31Like I'm in a very crowded room. There's wood. There's chandeliers. There's a TV over there. There's a computer. There's actually somebody doing work outside with a saw that I can hear right now. There's an ocean out there. There's all kinds of different things. There's the clothes I'm wearing. If I paid attention to everything in my life, I would go crazy. So your brain tries to conserve energy and keep you sane. And it kind of just like filters out a bunch of different things. But sometimes when we repeat a thought, it can become what I talk about often on here, like a delusion. It becomes delusional thinking.

4:01And we miss what's always been there. I talk a lot about the reticular activating system in the brain, the RAS, which is basically the filter of your life. It reveals to you that which you truly believe or which is really, really important to you. And it sort of scans out everything else. It's sort of like a matrix. I write about it in my book, The Power of One More. And so these questions you ask yourself can direct your RAS so that you're paying attention to the things that serve you. And so we're going to go through that today. And remember this. Thoughts are really like magnets. They truly are.

4:33When you begin to think about something repetitively, you draw to you through what you're aware of The people places and things that actually make those thoughts real oftentimes So you have to be careful what you think about because you'll probably attract it And I think a lot of you know what i'm talking about especially those of you that have become more and more successful You've really developed the ability the vibrational frequency to get yourself in such a state that when you think about something regularly All of a sudden someone you haven't thought about in years you're thinking about them all the time.

4:59They call you out of the blue or you just had a thought recently about a particular car. All of a sudden you see that car everywhere or certain messages people say, wow, our phones are listening to us. You know that thing now where you're like, be careful what you say because your phone's going to show you something from it. That's also how your brain works. Be careful what you're thinking about because your brain's going to show it to you. And so today we can change the way we feel if we can change and ask these questions. So here's the seven questions. The first question to ask yourself when something's happening is, what does this mean?

5:28Step back and assess your meaning of the event because oftentimes in life, and by the way, sometimes fear is not a bad thing. Fear can cause you to focus. That's hardwired into you through hundreds and thousands and millions of years potentially to protect you. So sometimes fear is like, pay attention to this. This is something you need to work on. So it's not always detrimental. Also remember this when it comes to meaning. It's not what happens to us in life. It's how we react. It's how we respond in life. Remember that again. It's not what happens. It's how we react and how we respond. Well, normally, our response is based on what we think something means.

6:05So the first question is to ask yourself when you're worrying about something or fearful about something or some event that's coming up that's causing you stress. What does it mean? Because if you can change the meaning, you're going to change the emotion. When you change the emotion, you've changed your entire life. And oftentimes, maybe you've attached a meaning to something that doesn't serve you. And people can have two different meanings. There's this great story that I've heard many, many times about Mother Teresa, and I've told it on the show before. But Mother Teresa would say, like, let's take me or you, usually most people, that she would say when she was present for someone's death, it was the greatest honor of her life.

6:42That's the meaning she would take from it. But I think most people, myself, probably you included, if I was present, if I went to a, there was a car accident on the road and I had to pull over and I got out of my car and I found someone that had passed away from that car accident. and I had to take them from the car. My meaning in that event would be tragedy. I'd probably replay that video and it would cause me great pain in my life. I'd replay it over and over and over again, these mental images we replay. Because the meaning for me is I was witness to tragedy. Someone lost a mother, a daughter, a sister.

7:14And that would be the meaning, justifiably, by the way, that I would take from that event. Mother Teresa would say that if she was at that exact same moment, that it was the honor of her life because her belief was, oh my gosh, I was present to watch this person's soul leave their body and go to heaven. What an honor to be present for that. And many times she loved to care for the dying because she could help them through that transition and time. So she would look at death, presence of death, being there for it as an honor. Now I'm giving you a very extreme case, but do you see how then she'd leave that event of someone's passing feeling blessed, feeling honored, feeling privileged that she got to watch someone's soul go to heaven, happy for that person that they get to spend eternity in heaven.

7:58Or as most people would be at that same event, attached, both justified, a different meaning, create a totally different event. You mean leaving that car accident and go, I was blessed today? I know that sounds crazy. I was honored today. And I'm giving you the extreme example that's almost ridiculous just to illustrate the point. The point is, what does this mean? And oftentimes the reason that we've attached so much stress or worry or fear or anxiety to something is we've attached a crazy meaning to it. It's meaning something that's irrational. It's meaning something that's exaggerated. It's too much.

8:31It's bigger. And oftentimes the meaning we take is really, what are they going to think about me if this happens? What are people going to say? How are they going to feel about me? How are they going to look at me? But when you decide to take control of the meaning of something and step back away from it, get above it, think about it and attach the meaning. Many times in my life, I'll ask myself, what would I need to believe this means? What meaning do I need to attach to this that I can also believe? It can't be outrageous. Right. But what would I need to believe about this so that it would serve me emotionally?

9:03Because clearly the meaning I've attached to this is it's something horrible. If you're a business person and you get a tax audit, let's just say, you're in an audit of some type, right? You see, the meaning is, if this goes the wrong way, I'm going to lose everything, and I'm going to live on the street, and I'm going to go broke. And you actually begin to, you may not say that verbally, but it's like, it's tremendous, right? Like, it's the worst meaning. Or you could say, listen, this is something, I know we've done things that we need to be able to do. Even if it doesn't go my way, I can come back.

9:29I've come back from difficult things before. You attach a meaning to it. A lot of, as I'm recording this, so many of my friends are having their children graduate. I've got friends graduating. I had my son graduate college recently. I've got a good friend whose son graduates high school today. I saw some videos online today of kids graduating sixth grade. One of them was graduating kindergarten. And it's interesting the different meanings parents attach to those events and the totally different emotions. Like my son graduated from college. I was proud and excited about his life and pumped up. And yet there were other parents there that were so sad because it was the end of a chapter of his life.

10:12And even the different kids, some are excited to get out into the world. They've attached that many others like, oh, my gosh, this best time of my life. The fraternity, the sports are over. So it's the same event. The meaning you attach to it means everything. I've watched parents online today cry when they're sixth graders leaving sixth grade and now going on to, you know, depending on where you live, like middle school or junior high and others excited about it. Same event, different meaning. When you begin to ask yourself, what do I believe this means? Evaluate that. Attach a correct meaning that serves you.

10:45All of a sudden, you've changed your emotional state. That's number one question to ask yourself. Number two question to ask yourself is just when I want to change my state and how I feel quality of the questions, quality of our emotions, right? Who loves me and who do I love? And just stopping at any given time when you have stress in your life and just taking an inventory of that one thing. You know, people talk about gratitude exercises all the time and I think they're wonderful, but I like simple things. And for me, it just comforts me to think for a second, no matter what's going on, the stress, who do I love and who loves me?

11:20And I can tell you, Just picturing my mom just brings me a little bit more peace. Also, for some reason, for most of us, our moms, not everybody, but if you have a good mom, our moms just give us some sort of perspective on things, don't they? And what really matters in life. And so then I'll think of my children, my family, and my wife, and siblings of mine, my sisters, and my friends, many of my great friends. your best friends aren't necessarily the people that you have to spend the most time with. They're the people that you have the best time with. Let me say that to you again. Your great friends don't have to be people you spend the most time with or a lot of time with.

12:01They're the people you have the best time with. And begin to think about them and those best times. It's just fair to give yourself that gift. It's okay. You say, well, me, when I got a business stress, yeah, take a second. Who do I love? Who loves me? What are some of those best times? Just give yourself the gift of it for a second. It'll completely change your state, right? Now, by the way, there's a bunch of things you can do to change your state. Obviously, moving your physical body. We're talking about the questions today. There's a bunch of things you could do. But ask yourself, who loves me?

12:27Who do I love? So, so far, we've covered two things. Evaluate and attach the correct meaning to what's going on. A real one, a realistic one, a reasonable one, not some crazy one you couldn't really believe. Evaluate the meaning. That's one way to change your emotions. Number two, just take an inventory real quick of the most important things in life. Who loves me and who do I love? Picture their faces. Give yourself that gift of asking that question because guess what happens? When you ask that question, that's what you pay attention to. And just in that second to give yourself some perspective and to pay attention to that matters.

13:01Why? Number three is about attention. What am I paying attention to? Okay? What you pay attention to is the most critical question you can ask yourself. I believe of all the questions, what you're paying attention to matters the most in your life. And at any given time, ask yourself this question. Are you paying attention to what you possess or what you lack? Ask yourself that. At any given time, are you paying most attention to what you possess or what you have or what you lack or don't have? and I could tell you for the majority of my life, I have focused on what I don't have at any given moment.

13:41I don't have the answer to this question. I don't have the money for this. I don't have the relationship for that. I don't have the whatever. We are constantly looking for what we don't possess as opposed to having an appreciation and putting our attention on what we do have because they're two totally different perspectives. If you pay attention to what you don't have, there's a lot of what you don't have compared to what you do have. So you can just keep looking and looking and looking and looking. But when you ask yourself, if you ask yourself that question, what do I have right now? What do I possess?

14:15When possessions don't mean things necessarily. It could be a thing. It could be money. It could be a house. But it could be you're in possession of one of the most wonderful relationships in the world. You're in possession of whatever your faith is. What do you have? And when you focus on what you possess and have as opposed to what you lack, you're happy. You're more blissful if you live a life where you are constantly focused on what you don't possess and i'm not talking about just things friends relationships emotions money right Answers to things you focus on what you don't have that's a vast space compared to the things you do have but when you begin to change your Attention what you pay attention to is what you do have it changes everything and that's why by the way you know so many people continue to try to possess more and more things because they're so focused on what they don't have they're like if i can just get more stuff more things more houses more cars more money more success more accolades more attention more whatever more followers and what happens is these are when you find people they're they're professional possessors they acquire things they're really good and you some of them are the people that you might admire most in the world.

15:25They're on my show. They've possessed Grammy awards and Oscars and Super Bowl trophies and World Series rings and golf championships and tennis championships and lots of money and beautiful houses and cars. And they're still unhappy because even though they have all these things, they focus on what they don't possess and need to get more. And when you live a life, which is by about 95 % of people, I know this is me too, most of the time until I've changed this of what I don't have or what I don't possess. Man, you know, I learned this years ago at an event for, I think, Tony Robbins. He made a suggestion on that.

16:01And I have to tell you, it really shifted things for me. And in your case, I would ask you, do you focus on what you don't possess or what you do possess? Because when you begin to become grateful for what you do possess, the relationships, the cherished moments, memories, your health, whatever it might be, you live a life of real bliss. But if you have that mindset where what you're always paying attention to is what you don't have and what you want, what you don't possess, you could end up having a whole bunch of possessions. And I'm talking about just not material things. You could have great people around you, amazing relationships that you cherish and great physical possessions and money and still be unhappy because you're paying attention to what you don't have.

16:46And that's why sometimes people get later in life and they go, I had this beautiful family around me, and I didn't pay attention to them. Or I had this amazing relationship, and I didn't pay attention to it. I kept chasing this or that. It's because they paid attention to what they didn't possess as opposed to what they did possess. The happiest people put their attention on what they do possess, not what they don't. It changes everything, and it is work. And that's why you have to ask yourself about the meaning of an event, number one. And that's why you got to focus on who you love and who loves you.

17:21This directs your attention. These are extra questions that help direct your attention. So ask yourself this up front. Do I spend most of my time focusing on what I do possess? The relationships, the loved ones, the material things, the ideas, the thoughts, my health, my faith? Or do I spend most of my time focusing on what I don't possess and trying to acquire it? And yes, you'll get better and better at acquiring those things, except it's not what you'll pay attention to when you get them. You'll keep paying attention because it's your thought pattern. Remember this your brain creates thought patterns habits to save energy because it's lazy And it wants to save energy.

17:58So you really one of two people you focus on what you do possess or what you don't Okay, and no matter what you end up possessing you know I guess tell you this you will have created a pattern in your life That will never allow you to be blissful if you focus on what you don't possess Fourth question to ask yourself, what will this matter in five years? What will it matter in five years? When you change your frame of reference, see if something's really stressing you, just ask yourself, in five years, will this matter? Will this matter in five years? And if that doesn't work, will this matter in 50 years?

18:32And you'll change your perspective on something. Sometimes we make something such a big deal, such a big stress. But when you begin to just step back and say is this going to matter in five years? You get a perspective on it that allows it to be reduced to its proper influence over you Right, and I know me One of the reasons that i've been materially successful in my life Is I make things a huge deal. We got to get this done now now, right? I'm great at that. Let's go Let's go i'm amazing at Elevating the magnitude of something and it's really served me in achievement It's not served me in a in fulfillment because I make things a huge deal that aren't going to matter in a year.

19:14They're not going to matter in five years. And so I've lived an awful lot of my life not in the quality of the emotions that I'm worthy of because I focus on what I don't have. I've attached the wrong meaning to things. I don't spend enough time focusing on who I love and who loves me. And I sometimes don't ask myself regularly enough, is this going to matter in five years? This thing I'm super crazy worked up about. In five years, is it going to matter one way or the other? Now, again, as I cover these things, that doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention to problems. We're going to get to that in a minute.

19:47There's answers here. This isn't Pollyanna. But imagine this. What if you took this tool basket I've given you of the five and you start to evaluate, what meaning did I attach to this? Does meaning serve me? Is this meaning I've attached accurate, truthful, real? Or am I off base on this meaning I've attached to and it's killing my emotional state? If I change the meaning, could I change me right now? And if I got really good at always attaching the right meaning to something, could I change my life? Number two, if I started to spend more time on who loves me and who do I love, what would that do for my life?

20:20Right? Third, start to focus or pay attention to what you pay attention to. What am I paying attention to? What I lack or what I have? What I possess or what I don't possess? Right? And then a little perspective question. Is this really going to matter in five years? And what's it going to mean? And will I be okay? Right? Number five question to ask yourself, what can I control about this? And what can't I control? It's one of the most powerful questions on earth. Because when you start to really have manic thoughts or just thoughts that don't serve you or stress in your life, you really have lost control of your thoughts.

20:59And successful people, happy people, delineate, distinguish between what can I control and what's out of my control. And this is probably something as a control freak, somebody who likes to control everything, another one of these things I've struggled with. By the way, it's why I have this great list, because I really struggle with all seven of these. And at any given time, when I've got all seven of these clicking the right way, I have a totally different quality of life. And so ask yourself, what can I control about this? And then filter out all the things you can't control. And by the way, surrender all the things you can't control.

21:32Give them up. Give them up to God. Or just give them up altogether if you're not a believer in God, which I recommend you believe in God. But if you don't, you just got to give them up because it doesn't serve you. You're literally worrying, stressing, obsessing over things you cannot control. By the way, here's a good one. You can't control people. You can't control other people's behaviors. You can't control other people's reactions. So if you begin to surrender all of that and just focus on what you can control, you're way ahead. Here's the other thing. It helps you figure out what number six will be in a minute, but it helps you start to move the needle on fixing something.

22:02If you've got 18 things you're thinking about, 14 of them, which you can't control at all, then the four you can control get lost in the shuffle or get watered down. But imagine if you went right into the four things you control or the one thing you can control. All of a sudden, your ability to reduce this thing down to what it really is and maybe eliminate or fix it has increased tremendously. But we don't in our life. We just have all these thoughts of everything, most of which we can't control. Most people spend most of their life thinking about things they can't control. Is that not crazy?

22:34And you go, well, why do I do it? Because it became a habit. It became a habit at one point. And now you've repeated it over and over again. And it's a delusion, like I've talked about in other podcasts. But it's habitual now. It's become who you are. It's become the familiar. But the way you change something is you become aware of it. It loses its power over you. And you replace it with something new. Like many of you know that my dad ended up, was a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, ended up being sober the rest of his life. And one of the most powerful parts of that program is their idea of having the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and cannot control and surrender the rest of it.

23:11And I can tell you when I pray at night, I'm like, God, these are the things I can't control. I'm giving those to you. If you can please handle these, that would be great. Or at least make me stronger and help me delineate between the things and distinguish that I can control and be great at fixing those things. And so that's number five, which leads to number six. This is real stuff here. What's the one catalyst decision or action I could take right now that would reduce this issue the most dramatically or eliminate it? What's the catalyst decision, number six, or action? What you'll find is, and I have found in my life, that there's typically one decision or one action.