How to Build Unshakable Confidence When You’re Losing Feat. Alan Stein Jr.

17:32Alan Stein Jr.:You know, I want to step into the opportunities and things that you've been able to do. So in order to do that, I read, watch and listen to everything that you put out because I want to surround myself with what I need to up level. And it's the same thing I try to model for my children and model for everyone, whether I'm talking on stage or writing something on page. That's what's most important.

17:52Ed Mylett:So you know what, guys, when I started this podcast, I was new to the business. My son was actually the editor and he was 14 years old. And I had all this doubt sinking in. I really didn't know what I was doing in terms of running a business. How are we going to sell our merch? Did we need a website? How are we going to do marketing? What if it doesn't work out, you know? And that's where Shopify came in. I'm going to tell you guys something. If you see me doing something online, Shopify is involved, as is true for most entrepreneurs. From household names like the Ed Milet Show to people that are just getting started, 10 % of all commerce online e-commerce is done by Shopify that are involved.

18:24Ed Mylett:So you can get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. You can accelerate your efficiency, whether you're uploading new products or trying to improve existing ones. Just go check it out. There's so many different things I could do for you. I can't put it all in this one-minute conversation with you. It's time to turn those what-ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash mylet. That's shopify.com slash mylet. Shopify.com slash mylet. So, you know, we talk a lot on the show often about health and energy, vitality, strength, wellness.

19:03Ed Mylett:You know what it comes down to more than anything I found out after about a thousand interviews? Food, like what you're putting in your body. You cannot out-train a bad diet. What it really comes down to is what you're eating. And you know what? We all want to eat home-cooked food. That's why I love HelloFresh. And it's delicious food. Like, I've never had any more healthy food in my life that tastes this good. They got 35 high-quality protein to different meals. You got GLP-1-friendly ones. You got Mediterranean. They got all wholesome ingredients, none of the bad stuff that you put in food. But the other thing that I like about them is, you know what?

19:33Ed Mylett:You can get seafood on there now for no upcharge. There's three times the amount of seafood on there. My favorite, by the way, is the ribeye. So go to HelloFresh.com slash Mylet10FM to get 10 free meals plus a freeze-willing knife, which is$144 value, on your third box. Offer valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as a discount on first box. New subscribers only. varies by plan. You know why I think I like being around you? I'm thinking, I just, I'm watching you and I'm like, what is it with this guy? Like every time I've been around you and I'm thinking about all the winners that I know.

20:05Ed Mylett:And I want to just ask you this. It's, this is in the book, but kind of not. I want you to just speak to this. I'm just thinking about it as we're talking, like what you just said previously about the attention to detail with Kobe. I'm blown away by people that say they want to be multimillionaires, but they don't refine their craft with such specificity or I meet speakers that they're not watching the nuanced specific things I do when I speak. They don't, they're, they're, they're understanding of what the level needs to be, to be great at something they're oblivious to. They actually think if I'm going to be pretty good, then I'll just get, you have to be great at what you do.

20:41Ed Mylett:You've got to be the best at what you do. And you can hear my intensity change. And this is the thing that I see with you. And this is the thing I want to ask you about. It's in the book, but it's not, but I want to touch on it. You know, it's just true. When you're around major players, I mean, a great mom, an unbelievable school teacher, a world-class athlete, incredible business person, great salesman, there's a level of intensity about these people that when you're around them, you flip and feel it. You have a level of intensity about you. I do. Like, I'm an intense man. Like, I'm a nice guy, but I don't play around.

21:18Ed Mylett:Like if we're doing something, I'm here to win. I'm here to take over. I'm here to dominate. I'm here to do something great. You've been around all these great athletes. Would you agree with me that the Kobe's or the Curry's or there's just a switch. There's a level of intensity, frequency, vibration, passion that they have, that they've developed. I believe you have. Thank you. Tim Grover has. That's just, it's just a different level. And I don't know that it's one of these things ever talked about in personal development and success. It's just intensity. What do you think about that idea?

21:53Alan Stein Jr.:Well, I love it. I think you're right on point. And the way I would define it, it's the ability to focus and it's the ability to be in the present moment. Ultimately, that's what defines intensity. We'll all express it in different ways. I consider myself incredibly intense. But I also, I don't think I come across as like the typical alpha male, like trying to dominate situations and dominate conversations. That's not my style. Agreed. But what I can do is I have the ability to focus, which by definition means block out all of the distractions and block out everything that is unnecessary or unessential and focus on what matters most, which is the premise of the book is focus learning.

22:28Alan Stein Jr.:First of all, you have to identify what matters most and then you have to be able to focus on it. But all of this comes back to the ability to focus on the present moment, to know what you have control over and let go of the things that you don't. And to me, that's the level of intensity. You know, that's a reason why a Kobe or a Steph Curry have that intensity is they can black out everything that's going on in the world and focus on the task at hand. What's right in front of them. And they also have the masterful ability to literally just focus on the step that's right in front of them. This possession.

22:58Alan Stein Jr.:They're not worried about winning the game. Not at that moment. They're worried about just winning this possession, whether it's on offense or defense. And being able to micro that down is incredibly important. And yes, from a speaking standpoint, I study that craft relentlessly.

23:13Ed Mylett:I know you do.

23:13Alan Stein Jr.:I want to be the best speaker that I'm capable of because I believe it's an opportunity for me to share a message that I'm passionate about. And certainly I study other speakers like yourself. And here's a helpful tip for someone that wants to become a better speaker, a better communicator. I'll take a clip of you and watching you speak, and I'll watch it in three different ways. One, I'll watch it with absolutely no audio. I just watch you. Now, I see your mouth moving, but I don't know what you're saying. but I watch your mannerisms. I watch your physicality. I watch, I can see the intensity on your face.

23:43Alan Stein Jr.:Second, I'll only listen to the audio. So I won't, I won't watch anything that you're doing and only hear your tonality, your ability to pause. Cause we know there's a power in the pause, your inflection, your volume. And I'm going to hear how you're manipulating your instrument, which is your voice. And then the third time I'll watch it, I'm going to watch the whole package together and I'm going to watch the entire thing. And I'm going to look at you from a delivery standpoint, from a content standpoint. Now, when I'm doing that, my goal is to not be you. There's only one you and you're doing it better than anybody else.

24:13Alan Stein Jr.:But my goal is to be able to say, what are some things that Ed is a master of on stage that if I work hard enough and I add to my speaking game, I can start to emulate and make a part of what I do. And then I also make sure that I study things outside of keynote speakers. I made a kind of a joke earlier, but I'm really serious. I study hip-hop and I study stand-up comedy. So do I. Because those are two forms of spoken word that, first of all, I enjoy. So I actually like both of those art forms. But there's so much that you can learn from hip-hop artists and from stand-up comedians on how to tell story, on how to sway emotion.

24:47Alan Stein Jr.:So I try and study those, not because I want to be either, and don't worry, I couldn't be either, but I can take things from those. So I take that holistic approach. And then I constantly iterate. I tell many of the same stories, and I have been telling them for years, but my overall program has really grown and it iterates. And I'm not afraid to try new stuff. Here's another one that I think you'll appreciate. And I learned this from a good friend of mine who's a brilliant speaker. He does what's called the new two. In every single talk he gives, he does two minutes of brand new material that he has never shared publicly.

25:18Alan Stein Jr.:He's never done in front of anyone, but he's not afraid to try it. And he tested out. And if it goes really well, that new two might turn into a new seven. If it doesn't go well, he asks himself two questions. Can I try and tweak it and iterate it and try it again? Or sometimes, you know, in baseball, sometimes we just swing and we miss. And that's okay. But either one. So for a guy like that who gives 80 keynotes a year, that's 160 minutes of brand new material that he gets to try in front of a live audience. And I've tried to work that in. So every single talk I give, I integrate something new in.

25:52Alan Stein Jr.:and it's amazing how quickly you can iterate and grow when you're willing to just inch by inch

25:58Ed Mylett:kind of step into that next play brother i'm loving this um i have to tell you that i by the way on the speaking part you know minus stand-ups as well and actually you know for years i'd watch pastors people that just speak in a different environment right and how they and and uh the tip of here's the point everybody let's say you don't want to be a speaker are you trying to be that great at what you do? Do you view what you do as a science and an art both and really begin to study the people that are exemplary at it? Like, like in my point of my life, like business is important to me, but like in my life, the last five, 10 years, you know, I feel like I, I, I, my passion play has not been business or speaking or podcasting, even though it's something that I do, it's been more like, what kind of a father am I?

26:42Ed Mylett:And so, but I study, I study, I've brought people into my life, men into my life that I think are great fathers to your previous point. And I study them. Like, I'll give you a Kobe story that wouldn't be the story. I may have told you, I don't think I've told you this. So our daughters played volleyball in the same league, same together yep and uh i was with kobe uh two days before he was taken from us and um we're at a volleyball tournament and i'm in this dad mode of i'm watching great dads i'm gonna tell you something about kobe you guys i don't know all of his personal life but i can tell you this i watched him as a father it's incredible and i'll give you a little thing that i noticed this is the smallest between you and i podcast sometimes people listen to we're at the gym it's if you're a volleyball dad you'll know this these are long noisy days yeah so we had got there about eight o 'clock the last match was about 10 p.m that night there's like three dads left in the gym yeah me and Kobe were two of them and the the match ended and I'm over with my daughter and she's picking up her gear and I'm over there talking to her about the match and Kobe was holding his little girl and he was at the other end of the gym and for some reason and I'll never forget it.

27:53Ed Mylett:He had this black and white sweat. I watched Kobe walk out of the gym that night. I don't know why. I've been around him a bunch of times. For some reason that night, I couldn't take my eyes off him. And it wasn't that he was Kobe. I was watching him as a dad. Let me tell you what he did, that I just little nuance. It's the little nuances, Alan, what you just said about watching it with the sound off or whatever it might be, at your craft, at what you want to be great at, everybody. And so I watched Kobe, and I'd got Bella's bag, and good job, honey. Kobe with his daughter had the baby in his arm.

28:22his daughter packed her bag and he hugged her for a minute he hugged her and then as they started to walk out of the gym he put his arm around his daughter and they walked out of the gym together

28:35Ed Mylett:as he like caressed and embraced his daughter and I stood and watched him walk out and I went I don't hug Bella enough I don't physically hug her enough and I do a better job of that now but But it was just watching that little nuance. You know, it's interesting. I was thinking, what if someone had told Kobe as he walked out of that gym tonight, Alan? Kobe, you have two more days. Oh, man. Make sure you really hug those little girls. Yeah. Tell Vanessa how much you love her. Call your dad. Make it right. You know, what if we knew time was running out on us? Because I don't know if it's two days or 200 days or 2 ,000 days.

29:16Ed Mylett:Right. But there's time running out on us. Yes. Anyway, my point is, when you want to be great at something, study the greats and look for the nuances, the small things. That's so profound what you've said. I just wanted to give you my Kobe story. I love that. Which is a bad story, not a basketball one.

29:31Alan Stein Jr.:Man, that's going to make me emotional.

29:32Ed Mylett:What about, you said earlier about the process, so I'm going to want to push you on this. You said, I'm a real process running guy, but don't be so addicted to it. What if someone right now, I'm going to give you just the hard question. Someone right now is like, I need the next play. I just had my business fail. I just got replaced by AI. My relationship just ended. I mean, I'm on the turf, man. I'm knocked down on the canvas right now. Would you describe to them how to get into the next play? What would you say to that person?

30:03Alan Stein Jr.:Well, the very first thing I'd say is it's okay to not be okay. And whatever you're feeling right now, all that means is that you're human. That's part of the human experience. And when your business fails or your relationship fails, or you've taken one on the chin, it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be disappointed. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay. Any of those things, like we said earlier, I don't believe that there are any negative emotions. I believe every emotion serves a purpose. Now there are certainly ones that aren't very pleasant and we'd prefer not to feel them, but we have them for a reason.

30:33Alan Stein Jr.:So the first thing is, is give yourself the compassion to be okay with not being okay and know that what you're doing is human. Don't resist it. Don't suppress it. Don't ignore it. Embrace those feelings. Then you have to say, well, what is the next step that I can take, the next play that is within my control that can at least inch me in the right direction, inch me in the direction of feeling a little better or more confident or more optimistic, inch me in the right direction of maybe picking up the pieces of my business, either repairing that relationship or acknowledging that I'm going to start a new one, but just take the very next step that you can take.

31:08Alan Stein Jr.:Because once again, we want to make sure that we're in control of our actions and our behaviors and our decisions. We're not letting the emotions drive that car because the emotions will tell us, I just give up. I don't even want to try. This is awful. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. And if you're willing to do that, then the cool part about when we look backwards, when we have the gift of hindsight, we can change our relationship with the past. We can't change the facts of the past, but we can change our relationship of the past. A perfect example, and my three kids are sitting here watching this.

31:39Alan Stein Jr.:I don't even know if they've heard me say this before. When I went through my divorce 10 years ago. At the time, I thought it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Now, looking back, it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me because of the path that it puts me on. And I have a great amicable and civil relationship with their mom. She's a fantastic mom, have a wonderful relationship with my three kids. But I didn't see any of that when I was in the middle of it. You know, you can't see the picture when you're in the frame. So sometimes you got to be able to step outside of that.

32:07Alan Stein Jr.:And now when I look back, I can say that that's one of the best things that ever happened. So the other reason I say that is whatever someone is going through right now, this failed business, this failed relationship at the moment, it's okay if it feels like it's the worst thing that ever happened to you, but you can change that perspective. And one day you're going to look back and say, this was the, the conduit that sparked greatness. This was, this failed business is what put me on another track to start an even better business. This failed relationship, which didn't work actually allowed me to attract and meet the person I'm with now, which is the best it's ever been.

32:38Alan Stein Jr.:So, so just understand that we're all in this for the long game. Now, time is not promised as you just said, like, I'm not guaranteed that my flight will even land from Tucson. I certainly hope that it does, but we're not promised any of it. So, but we just want to make sure that we have that perspective that as long as I am going to be here, like I am in control of these, these, the way that I'm going to approach this. And that's really powerful to me.

33:01Ed Mylett:So I just did this retreat at my house for four days where I had four different groups come in. But one of the things I kept hearing at the retreat was, hey man, where'd you get that shirt? And I'm like, Mizzen and Main. And I got to tell you, picture anything you want to wear, your go-to shirt. You want to feel sharp, look sharp, dress sharp, and you want to do it affordably. When you put their clothes on, you feel like a million bucks and you act like a million bucks. They're also wrinkle resistant. So when you travel or you pull them out of the washing machine, they're ready to go. You don't have to iron them or dry clean.

33:27Ed Mylett:Mizzen and Main is a veteran-led organization and proudly give back to veteran-based causes. Right now, Mizzen and Main is offering our listeners 20 % off your first purchase at MizzenandMain.com. Promo code MyLet20. That's Mizzen spelled M-I-Z-Z-E-N and Main, M-A-I-N.com. Promo code MyLet20 for 20 % off. MizzenandMain.com. Promo MyLet20. If you'd rather shop in person, you can find Mizzen and Main stores in select states. So you know how when you're doing something that's good for you and then you stop doing it, all of a sudden you feel, what the heck changed? So here's what happened to me. I've been feeling great for like a year and a half.

34:11Ed Mylett:It's because I've been on IM8. Then we moved to our place in Maine and I didn't bring my supplement with me. So if you've been looking for something easy to stick with that actually makes you feel better, this might be it. For me, it absolutely is something I rely on and I noticed when I missed a few days. So give your body what it deserves with IM8. Go to im8health.com slash ed and use code ed for a free welcome kit. Five free travel sachets plus 10 % off your order. So seriously, this is one of those offers you're going to wish you jumped on sooner. That's im8.com slash ed and use code ed for a free welcome kit.

34:47Ed Mylett:Five free travel sachets plus 10 % off your order at im8health.com slash ed. Code ed. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. that this product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. I really enjoy talking to you. Same. Thank you. No, I really do. You're so good. Yeah, if I asked the average person listening to this right now, you know what they would say? They would say, I said, what do you want to be? The average person, well, most people, in fact, maybe I would say this, they'd say, I want to be happier. But in the book, you go, eh, not so fast, to quote Lee Corso.

35:24Ed Mylett:You go, seek what? Not happiness. Yes, I know what you say, but I want you to tell that.

35:29Alan Stein Jr.:I'm well, and I'm also like you, I study language. And to me, the issue with happiness is happiness is an emotion and all emotions are fleeting. So there's no single person in the world, myself at the front of that line, that is happy 24-7. So happiness ebbs and flows. In fact, I can be happy in one moment, receive a text from someone else, and all of a sudden be immediately unhappy based on what that text said. So I don't really have control over my happiness. Because contrary to popular belief, we don't control our feelings. We control what we do with them. We control whether or not we listen to them and how we use them.

36:05Alan Stein Jr.:But we don't necessarily control our feelings or our thoughts. To me, I'm much more in pursuit of fulfillment. Because to me, fulfillment is a joy and an enjoyment of who I'm with, what I'm doing. And that is much more within my control. Because there can be times where I can still have a really solid sense of peace and fulfillment, even if I'm not happy in the moment. So to me, fulfillment is less of a feeling and it's more of a state. It's more of a how we're experiencing life. And to me, that's more important. You know, a lot of times as parents, people say, well, I just want my kids to be happy.

36:41Alan Stein Jr.:Well, of course, in general, I want my kids to be happy. But you know what I want more than I want my kids to be happy? I want them to be resilient. I want them to have the ability to manage their emotions. I want my kids to be able to take one on the chin and still be able to pick themselves up and move forward with optimism and confidence. So I don't, I don't wish for my children to have fewer problems. I try to teach them how to build the strength to overcome whatever problems they're going to have. And to me, that's way more important than them always being happy. So as a father, and they would even tell you this, I don't bend over backwards to try to make sure they're happy 24 seven.

37:15Alan Stein Jr.:Like I let my kids, you know, experience sadness, experience disappointment. I want you guys to sit with it. I don't try to, you know, anesthetize them to those types of feelings. I want them to experience life and I want them to do it at a young age so when they're older, they have the ability to regulate their emotions, which I believe is arguably the most important skill that any of us can develop as humans and the most important skill we can teach our children is the ability to understand, manage, process, and use your emotions. And if I could give my kids any gift, it would be that. It would not be happiness or rainbows and ice cream all of the time.

37:52Ed Mylett:How do you do that? So I agree with you, by the way, emotional regulation and emotional, like what I look for in friends, leaders, oftentimes, one of my criticisms of some of the leaders that we're subjected to in the world regularly is their lack of emotional maturity and emotional regulation. And so I totally agree with you on that. And it's something, by the way, I think you pick up a lot of your emotions. Like I grew up with a kind of, I sometimes feel bad that I, my dad was like my favorite human being ever, but when he was drinking, anger was a big thing. Worry was a big thing. As a consequence, I think a lot of things with our kids are caught, not taught, right?

38:30Ed Mylett:We catch it. I caught, hey, when things don't go right, anger. You know, I caught worrying. I caught anxiety. I caught these things and they became patterns in my life. I had to become self-aware that these are the emotions that they're not good or bad as you said yeah but the quality of your life's the quality of your emotions and so if I'm regularly experiencing anger worry frustration angst fear that's my life yes and I don't want that life so you have to become aware of it so let's just run a scenario out sure you two stud sons over there and your daughter one of your sons comes home says I got an F on my test I got god forbid I got caught drinking at school and my girlfriend broke up with me.

39:07Ed Mylett:I'm talking the trifecta of stuff. What do we do to help him move to the next play and emotionally regulate?

39:16Alan Stein Jr.:Well, certainly before I can say or do anything, it would be helpful if I've modeled all of this beforehand. And that's where you're caught, not taught. I say that all the time. I probably owe you royalties on that statement. So I want to make sure that I've modeled for them in the times where those types of things have happened to me that I've been able to model the emotional regulation skills and the ability to, you know, so I've planted those seeds and I've always believed it's never too early to plant seeds. I was planting seeds with them before they even knew it. And now at their current age as a father, there's nothing that brings me more joy than seeing a seed that I planted 10 years ago when they didn't even know it come to fruition now with something they say or do.

39:55Alan Stein Jr.:And it just, it's the most fulfilling feeling as you know, as a father, but the next thing I would say is, um, I'm a big believer in accountability. So in any of those situations, the F the caught drinking or the girlfriend broke up. The first question I would ask is, well, what role did you play in that? How were you complicit into those things happening? Because I understand as teenagers, counterculture, beautiful, very good. But as teenagers, their default will be what my default was as a teenager, which is to blame, complain, and make excuses. All of those. It wasn't my fault. I got an F the teacher's an idiot.

40:28Alan Stein Jr.:They didn't teach us what was going to be on it. It wasn't my fault my girlfriend broke up. She's crazy. She didn't want, you know, the drinking thing, like they'd find a way to make an excuse on why that happened, even though they were the ones that actually sit the outbrother. You're right, by the way.

40:39Ed Mylett:And I don't think it's teenagers. I think it's humans.

40:40Alan Stein Jr.:Yes. So I would not, we don't allow blaming, complaining, or making excuses. I would say, ask yourself, how were you complicit and what role did you play? That's the very first step. And then figuring out, all right, well, we're going to use this. We're going to use this pain. We're going to use this disappointment. We're going to use whatever the consequences are as a catalyst to grow and to move forward. Because this is not a death sentence. You just made three boneheaded mistakes or three things that happened to you that happened to most teenagers. And I understand that it's painful right now.

41:08Alan Stein Jr.:And I'm not gonna trivialize it. I'm not gonna say like, well, don't worry, it's just your high school girlfriend. You might not even remember her name in 20 years. Even though the 50-year-old Alan knows that, the 15-year-old Alan certainly didn't. So I'm gonna make sure that they understand that I have nothing but compassion and understanding for what they're going through. and that it is a big deal to them at the moment, but I'm going to hold them accountable to it. And then I'm going to make sure they understand, well, if you want a different outcome in the future, then how will you behave differently in the future?

41:36Alan Stein Jr.:Like, let's not let this adversity go to waste. Let's not let these experiences go to waste. Let's pull something from them so that the next time you have a test or someone asks you if you want to drink or you're in a new relationship, how can you behave differently? Because if you keep behaving in the same manner, you will keep getting what you're getting. And if you don't want to keep getting what you've been getting, then you better change what you've been doing. So I would do all of that, but I would also do it in a compassionate way. I would do it without judgment. I'm not going to, you know, um, you know, I'm like, well, you didn't study for your test.

42:06Alan Stein Jr.:Of course you got an F. What are you an idiot? What do you think? No, I would just say, Hey, there've been times too, where I haven't studied for tests. And guess what? I got burnt just like you did. So you know what I learned to do? I learned to improve my study habits. So next time that doesn't happen. And I know what it feels like to have someone break up with you and your heart's aching right now. It's not a great feeling, but you will get past this and let's let's be here together because as as their father the most important thing I want them to know obviously is that I love them but I believe in them and I've got their back and and and I know that like this will be okay but I'm going to walk through the mud with them and I'm going to walk through the mud with my arm around them I'm not going to put them on an island I'm not going to judge them I'm not going to make assumptions but but that would kind of be the collective cocktail of of what I would do with them the reason I ask that everybody

42:50Ed Mylett:So you can now go back in three minutes and listen to that again. I wanted you to have a blueprint for when someone you love needs the next play.

42:57Alan Stein Jr.:Yeah.

42:57Ed Mylett:And he gave it to you. He said, look, I got to let them know I love them. I got to let them know I believe in them. We got to make these decisions. I got to put my arm around them and walk through the mud with them. Yeah. I got to let them not be a victim and blame. They got to take accountability. These are all that's the blueprint to help someone you love around you, friend, family, et cetera, who's going through something where they need a next play. All right. Last thing I want to ask you about, by the way, have everybody go get. next play you can just hire alan as a speaker you can just tell right thank you he's outstanding tell you a story that i want to ask you about i think all this next play stuff what you said earlier is true it's got to come down to your belief that you can hit that next shot absolutely that you can turn it around so i'm a young guy and i'm in my mid-20s and i i won a trip one of my one of my first incentive trips ever to go to hawaii first time i'd ever been to hawaii my family had never been there before and um i'm staying at the ritz carlton kapalua and i remember I was so broke when I went, Alan, that the hamburgers were like 22 bucks back then.

43:53Ed Mylett:I went to the grocery store, bought all my food. I'm walking through the Ritz-Carlton with a brown bag of groceries, you know, so I could eat for the week. And a lot of guys didn't train and work out back then. I'm so old. So I get up the next morning, go for a run. It's dark out. As I'm running back, running down the beach, I know you know this, coming by me, I got a Sony Walkman on. It's that long ago. This dude's running by me and it's a bald guy and he's all sweaty. He's got a hairy back, but the tide's high. So like the beach is like this wide. So I don't want to bump this dude and get his sweat on me, you know?

44:25Ed Mylett:So he's running by me and I avoid him barely. And I look and it's Wayne Dyer.

44:30Alan Stein Jr.:Oh my goodness.

44:31Ed Mylett:One of the godfathers of all time of personal development and a hero to me. And he runs by and I yelled to him and it's cool nowadays, even sometimes people will say this to me and I go, I go, Dr. Dyer, you changed my life. And he had a deep voice, you know like similar to my voice and he goes he stops running he turns around pulls his headphones off and he goes i doubt it he goes i bet you changed your life but how did i help yeah and he walks towards me and we sit down on the beach together and for an hour and probably a half i watched the sun come up with wayne dyer wow at the end of the hour and a half bro and this is what i want to ask you about on next play yes in confidence he goes ed you're gonna change the world now to me i he i thought he'd never said that to anybody before maybe he said it to everybody but to me i was like oh my gosh and he said he said you're powerhouse and he said uh would you do me a favor and never attach your self-confidence to this amazing ability you have i said ability is all that voice in your mind and your ability he goes ed if you um if you're gonna chase your confidence based on your results, you'll be chasing that tail all of your life.

45:44Ed Mylett:It'll be a roller coaster of life. And I said, well, then where do I get my confidence from? I want to get good, you know? And he goes, I think you're going to change the world because of your intentions. Oh, I love that. You have incredible intent. Now, what I didn't know is at that time, he was writing a book called The Power of Intention. He goes, you're a good man. You're a good man. And you care about people and you want to make a difference. Now, here's why that mattered. He told me something that I intuitively knew to be true about myself. I'm not that talented. I'm not that smart, but I do think I'm a decent guy.

46:17And for the last 35 years of my life, bro,

46:21Ed Mylett:before I speak, before I do a podcast, before I've walked into a business meeting, I connect with my intention. I go, I deserve to do well. I'm trying to help. So I connect to my intent. It's been this barometer almost of my life. Don't you believe that part of turning the page to the next play, someone needs to remind themselves, I intend to do good. I intend to make a difference in people's lives. And so my confidence hasn't been that fragile because you're not going to get me to believe I'm a bad guy. Right. Right. You might say I'm dumb or I say something stupid or I'll make a mistake or I agree with all of that.

46:59Ed Mylett:But I think I'm I think in my God, I'm a pretty decent person. I would agree. What about intention in terms of making that next play and reconnecting with your intent, reconnecting with what your dreams and goals are as well in terms of making the next play? I know it's a wide road to get you there, but I wanted to ask you that.

47:16Alan Stein Jr.:No, well, I mean, first and foremost, as we say, the conversations we have with ourselves are the most important conversations we'll ever have. So we have to make sure that that's how we're talking to ourselves and that we remind ourselves of our intent, that we have big hearts and we're here to be of service. But then we also need, as we said, with environment, we need to insulate ourselves with people that also remind us of that. Very good. That can see that in us and want to champion that, but also care enough about us to help us see our blind spots and to see if we start to go a little bit off course.

47:49Alan Stein Jr.:And then we also need to be that light for others. You know, I'm a huge believer that a compliment unshared is an act of selfishness. If I have something nice to say and I choose not to say it, that's being selfish. So what Wayne Dyer did, he didn't have to say any of that to you. He didn't have to even acknowledge you were on the beach, but he did. And he did because he wants to be that light shining with somebody else. And I know I said this quote at the end of our last interview a few years ago, and it's what I got more DMs about than anyone. And that is a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

48:20Alan Stein Jr.:And that's really what we're in the business of. We're in the business. And it doesn't matter if you're in the podcast business, the speaking business, the parenting business, whatever business you're in. And it's our job to light other people's candles. But we can only do that if we light ours first. And then just remember that if my light is bright, then I can share that with as many people as possible. So we have to remind ourselves of those things. And not let ourselves off the hook. I'm just like you. I believe I'm a good man with a good heart. But boy, have I said and done some really boneheaded things in my life.

48:49Alan Stein Jr.:But those are outcomes. And those are not a reflection of who I am. They're a reflection of maybe making a poor decision in the moment. And just like with the example of talking about my children, I've had to unpack that stuff. I've had to own it, understand my role in it. In many cases, apologize for it and make amends. But then I moved to the next play and I let that go. I am what I'm most proud of in my life. There's two things. One of all of the boneheaded decisions I've made in my life. And I've made so many of them. I've made them out of impatience. I've made them out of fear. I've made them out of ego.

49:19Alan Stein Jr.:I've made them out of insecurity. I've forgiven my previous self for all of those things because it doesn't do me any good to hold on to them. So I've dropped that anchor and I've moved to the next play. The other thing is, and I have the optimism and some people think that the healthy delusion to believe that my next play is always going to be my best play. Ask me the best speaking engagement I've ever done. It's the next one I've got that. And I really believe that I believe my, the best relationships of my life are still in front of me. My best earning opportunities and business opportunities are still in front of me.

49:50Alan Stein Jr.:My best friendships are still in front of me. And that doesn't mean that I'm degrading or trivializing the ones that are in my life now. They're incredibly valuable, but I have the optimist to believe that my best are still in front of me. I also have the optimism to believe that 50 years old, I'm still going to live another 50 years on this planet. So I'm at halftime right now. And you know, being a sports guy, great sports teams and coaches and players always play a better second half than the first half because they make the adjustments that they need. So I'm going to take all of the lessons I've learned in the first half of life, all of those boneheaded decisions that I've made and I'm going to apply them to the second half.

50:23Alan Stein Jr.:And my, the phrase I use with myself is my next 50 will be my best 50. And I can't wait to experience life as a father, as a friend, as a business owner, as a speaker, applying all of these lessons that I've learned, like watch out world, this next 50 years is going to be off the charts. Well, that was,

50:39Ed Mylett:okay. Let me tell you what you all just listened to. You just listened to a great podcast. Like Like, this is why this podcast exists. Excellent, elite, outstanding, exemplary, tremendous. Like, bro.

50:52Alan Stein Jr.:Well, you make it fun, and you provide a safe environment to come here and just talk about things I'm passionate about, and I appreciate you.

50:58Ed Mylett:I'm a big believer of you, bro. I'm a big believer of you. And you know what? What you just said there at the end, one of my favorite things ever. I used to take all the boneheaded things I've done, stupid decisions, choices, mistakes, and use them as a weapon against me. Yes, don't do that. lower my identity and frequency so that I'd make more of them. And at some point I decided to do what you did is I've forgiven myself for my stupidness and I've connected to my intention. And that was one of my favorite things that's been said on the show in 10 years, what you just said there at the end.

51:26Alan Stein Jr.:Well, think about this, those mistakes that both you and I have made, the man I am today is not in spite of those mistakes. It's because of those mistakes. That's who I am. That's part of the collage. A lot of people ask me, I've got some ink, I've got full sleeves and I've been collecting tattoos, if you will, for 30 years. And the ones that start at the top of my shoulders, I got when I was 20 years old. It's respectfully to the artists that did them. It's not the best artwork I've ever seen, but you know what? My arms are kind of a collage of everywhere I've been and who I've been at that point in time.

51:56Alan Stein Jr.:And I'm actually proud of my artwork. If I started with blank skin right now, and I were to go get two brand new sleeves, I would not get the same stuff that I have now, but I'm also not the same man I was when I got these when I originally had. So I'm okay with that. So I'm these, they're kind of a living, uh, symbolism of who I am at different stages of my life. And that's how I look at all of this stuff. I'm not bashful about talking about the mistakes that I've made in the past. Were they painful at the time? Extraordinarily. But I I've used that to then propel forward. And I also know too, in the next 50 years, even though it's going to be a great life, I got a lot more mistakes left in me.

52:33Alan Stein Jr.:Here's the promise I try to make to myself. Just stop making the same ones. I'm going to make a fresh batch. I've got 50 years of a whole bunch of mistakes and boneheaded decisions coming up, but I'm not going to keep making the same ones over and over. And to me, that's the most important part. So let's go out and make some mistakes, but let's make some new ones and some fresh ones.

52:50Ed Mylett:Well, so good. One thing was not a mistake is having you back on the show. Really, really great stuff today, Alan. You guys, his next book is right now, next play. You can go get that. This has been Alan Stein, and it's been a great podcast.

53:02Alan Stein Jr.:Thank you, brother.

53:03Ed Mylett:Share this episode with people that you love and care about. God bless you, everybody, and max out your life. This is the Ed Mylon Show.

53:17Alan Stein Jr.:Thought sweet green was just salads? Think again. There's a new way to do sweet green. Wrapped and ready, these handheld wraps pack bold flavor and 40-plus grams of protein into something hearty, satisfying, and built for life on the go. From craveable sauces to satisfying textures, they're designed to keep you going without slowing you down. So put that fork down. Try the new wraps today in app or at order.sweetgreen.com, available at participating locations only.