How to Flip the Lens of Life

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1:05This is the Ed Myron Show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So the topic of today's podcast, we're going to call Flip the Lens. And I've been waiting a while to put this on the podcast because I've been writing about it. It'll be in my next book. But now I feel like I'm able to articulate the concept. And so I wanted to put it out to all of you in an effort to maybe help you with your personal and your business relationships. I think it's sort of, at least for me, it's been groundbreaking understanding and work. And so first, let me tell you how I stumbled upon this level of understanding and this work, the concept.

1:38First, I think it'll make sense for you. And then we'll break it out and sort of extrapolate it into our personal business relationships. So maybe about a year ago, I was at my mom's house. I was visiting. And just for a quick second, I was going to make an Instagram post. So I went to take a selfie picture and I held the camera out and I went to take the picture, except when I held it up, I don't know if you had this happen. The lens was the other lens. The lens had flipped and the picture wasn't facing me. It was my mom. And I caught this glimpse just of my mom in the other end of my phone just for a second.

2:12I was expecting to see me, but I didn't. I saw her and I saw my mom. and it just struck me looking at my mom through this lens when I was expecting to see it through the lens that would see me. I just had this flash of seeing my mom differently and ironically seeing my mom see me if that makes sense because she was watching me take this picture and it flipped the lens it switched the lens for me instantly to where let me explain I saw my mom seeing me, not me seeing my mom. And in a minute, I was just flooded with all these thoughts. What does my mom see of me? Now, obviously, I'm her only son.

2:56She loves me. I'm not referring to those kind of things. What's the lens through which my mom has experienced me? And I thought, does she, you know, obviously she sees me at holidays or whatever, you know, and we talk on the phone, but her lens of life looking at me, and it dawned on me. In life, we see every relationship we're in through our lens, through how we see them and how we see them seeing us. I don't want to get too deep here, but that's completely different than seeing them as they see us. And I thought, what's my mom's experience with her only son? Does she get the time with them that she wants?

3:36Is the depth of our conversations to the extent that she would like them to be? Am I in a hurry too often when I see her? Do I take it for granted too often? And then that day as I was driving away, I started to picture all the relationships in my life that meant something to me through their lens of looking at me. The last time my daughter saw me walk in a room, the last hundred times, how did I respond? What did she see? What was my mood? What were our interactions? What were the topics? How much was laughter? How much was intense? How much was just looking at our phones? and I started to see my daughter and the lens through which she sees me, her conversations, her experiences.

4:14Does she see me stressed, worried? Does she worry about me? What are her thoughts about me? Am I too brief? Do I stay on the phone too long? Am I helping her? Do I listen to her like I need to? And it flashed to several of my friends. And a lot of those friendships, I thought, well, they're just in maintenance mode. I see them. And when I see them, I see how much I love them and believe in them and think they're awesome and funny. But when they look through their lens at me, do they see a man who loves them, who believes in them, who thinks they're funny, who listens deeply, who cares about them deeply?

4:44Do they see that through their lens? It's a trip. When you begin to see other people in your life and just you consciously, when you're with them or you think about them, switch that lens around and look through their eyes at you, you'll learn a lot real quickly. It's actually very humbling. And it's interesting that you could go your entire life if you didn't hear this or think about it, only seeing life through the lens of your own eyes outward and never flipping it to their eyes outward. And I just thought about so many different relationships in my life. So many of them that I think are going very well, or I'm going to get around to it, or I feel a sense of emotion with this person or depth of friendship.

5:28And then I flashed to one buddy of mine and like, wow, the last three times he's replied to me, he called me, I replied with a text. He hasn't even seen me in many months. And when he does see me, what did he see in those conversations? What did he hear about? What did he feel? What did he experience? And you know, as I've said many times, you're always making people feel something. So you should be intentional about what it is they're feeling, but they're also seeing and hearing things all the time as well. It's a very interesting way that we go through this life, almost in this projection, almost in this dimension that we live inside ourselves and we see everything from our perspective, but we almost never stop and see it from theirs.

6:10And this isn't the old adage of put yourself in their shoes. I'm saying put yourself in their lens. What do they see, feel, hear, and experience from you? It'll shock you how much you overestimate some relationships, the depth of them, and the extent to which they feel the things you assume they feel from you or about you. And then I switched it from that to my business relationships. Some of the people I'm in business with that I have in maintenance mode, you know exactly what I mean. But the last 20 times my assistant saw me walk into the office, what did she see? Did I stop and talk? What was her lens?

6:49Did I ask about her children? And was there a depth of exchange there? Was I in a hurry? Did she see me stressed? Did she see me worried? Was I caring and kind or was I rude and flippant or short? And then I thought, now take that last one and the one before that and the one before that. And what about the last 30? What's the lens that she sees me through? People that I'm in negotiations with now, I stop and think, what's their lens? What are they seeing? What are they feeling? What are they experiencing before this conversation and after? And it's absolutely changed the way that I interact with people.

7:22It's made me connect more deeply. It's made me care more deeply. It's made me more conscious and intentional about my interactions with people. and can't, frankly, in many senses, somewhat ashamed of how maintenance mode so many relationships have been in, how passive I've been, the lack of depth, the surface level conversations, how I'm brief with certain people, how certain people have seen me in stress the last four times they've seen me. And it changes you deeply. It certainly has changed the way that I look at my relationship with my mom probably most. I'm her son, so she loves me, but do we have conversations as friends?

8:09Do I know her as an individual outside the family, or do I just know her as mom? I caught my mom saying to me the last three or four times we talked, thank you for calling me. I thought my mom shouldn't have to thank me for calling her. I didn't feel right about that. And so this lens thing is fascinating. So ask yourself this question, take your family, the people that are most important to you, just for a second, even close your eyes and switch it. What's their lens seeing? What are they feeling? Not just the last conversation, the last 10, the last 30, the last 50. How about your friends? What's the lens that they see you through?

8:54How do they see you, right? How do they see you? Not how you see them, not how you would like them to see you or feel about you or you assume they do. Stop and look at the camera through which they've been observing you for however how long. Then go to business just for a second. The people that you work with or you're negotiating with, clients of yours. This is huge for those of you that are in sales, which almost every business in the world is sales of some type. What's the lens? I'll give you an example. I'm sitting in this barn that I'm restoring here on my property. And right outside the door here every day, there's a group of men that are doing masonry work.

9:34They're great guys. And they've been here for quite a while. They had to do a wall back here. They're doing different walls. And it's hand-laid stone there. If you're looking at this video, if you have video, they did this fireplace right here, which is just, it's huge. That doesn't even show most of it. But anyway, they're, they're craftsmen. Every time I come down here, Hey guys, how are you doing? What's going on? We'll talk about the red socks or whatever. And then I thought about their lens just for a second the other day, cause I'm working on this. And as I was driving down here, I'm like, you know, I assume they know, I think they do great work.

10:08But then I thought about their lens. I've walked by their work like 10 times in a row and not complimented them once. not thanked them one time. I've said hello, we've engaged, we've talked about sports, they've asked me about my show and how I became whatever, a speaker and well-known, how to get whatever I've got. But I've walked by their work at least 10 times. So they've watched this man who they're doing work for, walk right by their work 10 times in a row or more, and never acknowledge it, never thank them for it, never tell them it was good work, never give them feedback on how to fix it.

10:39I just walked by, this is their craft. This is what they do with their lives. This is obviously one of the most important things they have. I've been seeing it through my lens. I like the work. I like them. Hello, blah, blah, blah. But when I switched it and saw it through their lens, I was embarrassed that they've watched someone walk right by their work, whom obviously they take pride in and would probably like to impress and probably would love to be told some feedback about it. And so it changes everything when you use this concept. and I want you to begin to use it. And then flip it all the way over to how strangers see you or when you meet someone new.

11:18Hi, I'm Ed Milad or hi, I'm Sarah. Whatever the interactions when you meet people, what are they seeing? Not what do you see? What are they seeing? Here's the other cool thing about it. It calms you down. There's not a lot of pressure on you to say or do all the right things. You're actually an observer of your life now. You're observing not just from your perspective, though. The other thing I found is my depth of connection with people that I otherwise may not connect with that may disagree with me about economics or politics or whatever. I see them differently because I'm seeing me through them, not just how I look at them individually.

11:55So I hope you can take this concept and really extrapolate it. You'll be much more conscious of how you're making people feel. You'll also be much more conscious of other people's feelings. You're going to be a far better persuader. You're going to be far better at marketing. Take marketing for a minute. What if you just flip the switch right now, all of you in marketing, whether it's internet marketing or in-person marketing or print marketing, and right now you switch the lens and ask yourself, what are they seeing from me? What's their lens of my email, of my funnel, or whatever it might be?

12:27Ask yourself that. If you make content online and you're doing any type of branding, switch the lens, not from looking at your video, like what do you see? Do you like your video? but what do they see? What do they feel? What are they experiencing? What are their opinions about you? Your trustworthiness level, your credibility level, your knowledge level, right? Your entertainment level, your connection to them and not enough people. Most people just push content out through their own lens, through their own camera, through what they see, not ever really thinking about what the person is experiencing from their perspective when they interact with you.

13:03So I know this is really kind of a new thing for most people. And you got to be careful because it's so fascinating that if you're not careful, everybody you see, you're actually doing this with, but I'm telling you, you're going to begin to sense that you're much more connected to people instantly. You're going to evaluate some relationships immediately. And you go, my gosh, that's not the lens I want them to see. I noticed just with my kids, I'm like, I think they just see me stressed out too much. You know, I, I assume they know I'm strong and that I'm fighting and that I'm focused, right? I'm a focused, intense dude.

13:34But their lens, it may be dad's stressed. Dad's worried. Should I be worried about dad, right? I don't see it through their lens. I see it through mine. They're seeing an intense, focused, driven dad. But maybe they've seen too much of that through their lens the last 5, 10, 20, 30 times they're with me. And maybe they worry about their dad. Maybe they'd like their dad to relax a little bit. They obviously know I've had some health challenges. I'm not even posted on social media. My travel schedule is down to 20 % of what it used to be. So I can't do what I was doing pace-wise right now until I get a little healthier.

14:05So what's their lens? What do I want them to see and feel and experience? It will change everything. The biggest thing you're going to notice is you have a dramatic misperception, overestimation of what they're seeing and feeling because you only see it through your lens. And by the way, your lens is affected every day by what you're going through. Your stress level, your worries, your concerns, your thoughts, your energy, your diet, your nutrition, your sleep, right? Your hydration, all of it affects the lens you see things through. There could be the same exact situation that you see very differently two different days.

14:42One day you're in a peak state, focused, things are going good. You've got momentum and you're in flow. You're in the zone. You see something through that lens. Six weeks later, the exact same event could happen and you're tired, frustrated, angry, worried, dealing with a mountain of problems and that impacts your lens. And the biggest thing overall that you're going to figure out when you begin to do this is that perception is reality. And whatever lens it is they're seeing things through is true to them. And the one you see it through for you probably isn't true for them. It's just true for you based on the filter of your life that day.

15:20And so all of this stuff with these lenses is filtered through current experience. It's also filtered through repetition. If the last time I saw you, you walked right by me and were dismissive of me, I'm less apt to connect with you the next time you try. If the last time you were there to persuade and sell me, I felt pushed and pressured, the next time you walk in for the follow-up visit, I'm much more on guard and skeptical and you have a much bigger hurdle to get through to earn my trust back than you did after the first time or before the first time. So this is a really healthy tool for you.

15:55It's going to change almost everything in your life. I've been really excited. I've been writing about it, and it's altered every relationship I've got. And it's even altered how I interact with a flight attendant on an airplane or a server in a restaurant. I've always really thought I was good at this. I'm serious. And maybe I have been better than most at it. I'm not really good at that many things, but I do think I make a pretty good connection when I meet people. I don't have lots of talents or skills, but one of them's been that. But even at that, I think I overestimated it until I started this.

16:28And then I thought, wow, this isn't exactly the way I thought it was. If I were them, I would see X, Y, or Z. And so really spend some time in contemplation about this. You don't have to be with that person to do it. Just evaluate these relationships, your children, your parents, your siblings. What type of a brother or sister are you? you know one of the main things with family is we really take them for granted we really just assume well they're my family i see my christmas i see my holidays you know we're good we'll get around to really being good the truth is that's not fair just because there's the same blood running through your veins doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same level of effort communication repetition caring that you give other people oftentimes these are the people that get cheated the most because we feel like we've got extra deposits in the bank simply because we're family, right?

17:21And we don't even give them the same level of attention, concern, caring, grace that we might extend to a stranger or someone we're trying to do business with. And so it'll affect you. You know, one thing I want to add about this too, is that you need to use this with the right intention. You know, the wrong person grabs a hold of work like this and they begin to use it to manipulate or to do harm because now they're wearing a mask. This needs to come from a place of true sincerity. Like any work, it can be used for good or for ill. And a lot of people that frankly take advantage of people are excellent at this already.

17:58They know exactly how to see it. But what they're doing is they're wearing a mask. They're wearing a mask that is persuasive and manipulative towards people. Now, I happen to believe that you can't transfer to somebody sincerely that which you're not really experiencing. And so usually intuition will tell you when someone's doing this, but I want to be really clear. You have to have great intent. If there's one thing I've talked the most about over the last two or three years that I learned from Wayne Dyer, it's the power of intention. And I think more than anything, you have to have an intention to serve, an intention to give, an intention to heal, an intention to be kind towards others.

18:35And if you don't, I think at some point, even you using this methodology and this technology that I'm talking about here, if you're using it to do harm, if you're doing it to persuade somebody to buy something they don't need or can't afford, or you're doing it to manipulate, I just want you to know that eventually that lens will come back to hurt you. And so please use this with the right intention. What I'm really doing right now I feel like is sharing with so many good people the things that they should have known most of their lives that sometimes the most manipulative people understand. I'm talking about coming from a very sincere place of really, I believe it's true love, true kindness, true humility is to see less of yourself and more of them.

19:24You know, there's two types of people in life that would use what I'm talking about. There's a type of person that walks in a room and says, here I am. And then there's a type of person who walks in and says, there you are. There you are. I want to be a there you are person. And so if you're a here I am, now you're beginning to use that lens to get people to notice you and see you and acknowledge you and do things for you that you want them to do. But the right person takes this and says, there you are. And that that person from their lens feels seen, feels heard, feels loved, cared about, valued.

20:06That's the most powerful thing about this. That's the most important thing. So many people through their lens feel invisible, feel like nobody sees them, feels like they're just a pawn in the game, that they're not valued, that they're not worth something, that they don't count. And the most important thing you can do when someone's looking at you through their lens is they feel sincerely. I'm cared about. I matter. I'm important. I'm valuable. That matters to people. I have value. I have value. I'm not invisible. I'm not worthless. I'm not small. And when you begin to do this the right way, man, are you spreading something powerful in the world for good?

20:55You become a tremendous force for good. I have to tell you, in all of the work I do, the one thing I sense more than ever in this culture of wherever we are now, celebrity idolization at its highest, is that so many people don't feel seen, valued, important, never mind loved. just acknowledged. I see you. There you are, not here I am. Probably the most important thing I could tell you about using this work here. In almost all of our relationships in our lives, we see everything through our own lens and not the lens of the other person. And when you begin to switch that perspective and just think just for a second about what it is they are seeing in their lives, it will awaken you.

21:38And in some cases, it's a rude awakening. because let me tell you something. Most people feel invisible. They don't feel worthy. They don't feel important. They don't feel valued, never mind loved in many cases. And when you're interacting with clients, the most important thing you can do is see that interaction, that coaching call, that sales call through their lens. It will be the most incredible awakening. It also is the best way for you to be able to spread kindness, love, value, worth to other people. And I have to tell you that if you begin this week to see every conversation through the lens of the other person, your whole world would change.

22:17It'll also help you spread more of the things in life that you would like to spread. I promise you, it will change things for you. So this week, you get a call today. Before you get on that call, see that call through their lens. If you've had one of them already, what did they actually see and feel last time? Do they feel seen, valued, believed in? If you're supposed to be giving them growth items, are they growing? Do they feel growth? Do they feel cared for? Do they feel like they're getting overwhelmed with value compared to what you charge them? Do they feel like they're winning this with you?

22:47If you don't have that going this week, if you've got a sales call, when you're communicating with them throughout that call, switch the lens and see what they're feeling, hearing, and seeing from you. It'll cause you to make the right adjustments on the fly. If you've got calls on the phone, Zoom calls, begin to feel and see things through their lens. You are hyper addicted, I promise you, to your own lens. Hyper addicted to your own lens. Completely addicted to seeing things through your lens, your view, your filter, your emotions, your worries, and your thoughts. And that guides everything you do, which is why your influence is limited.

23:24But if you begin to see things the way I'm referring to them, your influence will expand dramatically. The way you communicate with people, what they feel. And by the way, if you're in sales, do they trust you, right? Do they think you're competent and do they trust you? They're asking themselves all the time. Can I trust this person? Do they care about me and can they help me? That's what they're asking themselves all the time. And if you're just talking from your lens, typically what you're doing is just trying to show them that you can help them. And there's not enough coming from you that sees them, that feels them, that listens to them through their lens where they say, I can trust this person.

24:00They can help me. They care about me. These are the three questions they're asking themselves all the time. I promise you that if you see it through their lens, and by the way, you can do this with your children this week. What lens have they seen you through this morning, the last week, the last 10 times they've seen you, your siblings? I had to evaluate a lot of this. And in my own case, my own siblings, I'm in too much maintenance mode with them. They're not getting a depth of relationship with me that they deserve because they're my siblings. I just take it for granted. They take it for granted.

24:28Well, they're my sisters. I'm their brother. Like we're good for life, right? We don't have to work on this stuff. Yes, you do. And so I've taken that for granted because they're my family. Somehow family in our lives, like, well, they're family. Like, yeah, I don't have to really work hard at that relationship. You don't have to. Yes, you do. And if you don't wake up, you know, you'll end up much older and just have a maintenance mode with your siblings, which sucks. It's not what you want. You want a depth of relationship. I want them to feel loved, believed in, valued, cared for, important, smart, somebody that I need in my life.