If You Feel Like Giving Up on Your Dreams, WATCH THIS! | Ed Mylett

22:48We just hit the corner, we bounce off and figure out the other way forward. And I think it comes back to that resilience that you were talking about. But I remember back in 2013, we had an investor that said, hey, the company's not growing as quickly as we want. You guys should really think about selling the company. make a few million bucks, move on to something else. And it just like, I felt like I was sick to my stomach. It just something did not sit right with that comment. And this is, and I was like, really? And I thought about it for a minute. Should we sell it and be out? And then three months later, it was our lightning in the bottle moment.

23:26Howard Stern talked about her underwear, how it changed his life. You can imagine a day without Tommy John. but I think a lot of times entrepreneurs are at that point and they're right about to break through and someone gets in their ear or you were talking about yesterday discourages them and and who is that speaking to them I think your gut and your intuition is God speaking to you and the longer you're in business that gut bacteria gets stronger where you read the signs and I think had that happened two or three years earlier we might not have yeah um by the way can I just say something on that that's one of the smartest things ever said on the show and the other thing you just said because you say a lot of things brilliantly in little sentences so i want to make sure i i want to acknowledge something you just said there are millions of people who were one or two steps away from becoming millionaires that never got there in their life because they quit that one or two steps away it's incredible you know one of the things someone asked me one time is what do all of the very successful entrepreneurs of the entrepreneurs you've on your show have in common.

24:27I said, well, they're all very different, but one thing they actually have in common, this may seem obvious, they didn't quit. So many people quit one or two steps away because it feels so far away. And I always say that people don't lack vision. They lack depth perception. They think they're further away than they are. And so it's easy to quit if it's far away. But the truth is, usually if you've worked really hard, you're one or two steps away before you quit. I totally agree with you on that, man. Yeah. Really, really good. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far.

24:56Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify links are in the show notes now on to our next guest If there's a time in our culture where we need to know more about resiliency, it's right now I'm a big believer that it's one of the most important personality traits to having a blissful and successful life is the ability to learn to be resilient And then this lady comes along in my life and i'm like i've got to expose her work to the world because she's been doing this work for so long And so my guest today has a new book out called The Five Practices of Highly Resilient People, Why Some Flourish When Others Fold.

25:30And that is something we really are going to need to know a lot more of during this time. So Dr. Taryn Marie Stasekul, welcome to the show. Finally, it's great to have you here. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for having me. It's such an honor and I'm delighted to be here as your guest. Yeah. Well, you're going to help a lot of people today because there's going to need to be even more resiliency inside people's spirits over the next three or four or five years just to navigate the world that we're entering right now. And you have a really interesting story. I think it's probably important. When someone's great at something, I always want to know why are they great at this?

26:01Was there some catalyst? Was there an event that says, this is going to be part of your life's work? And in your case, resiliency was sort of something that landed on your plate. And you talk about that in the book, like that's actually more common than not. But tell everybody the story of where you had to learn your first lesson about resilience because it's really, it's pretty emotional and something everybody I think will remember. Yeah, absolutely. So I think something important to start with here, and this has come out of my work, is this idea that resilience is really the essence of what it means to be human.

26:32And that's a powerful place for us to start, I think, Ed, because so often we've talked about resilience as being something that's outside of ourselves, something we've got to go find, something we've got to cultivate. For some people, there's this sense of dread around resilience, right? Like it sounds like a nice idea, But then the closer I get, am I going to be found out? Am I like a resilience imposter? Do I not have enough resilience? So there's sort of an ambivalence, I think, for some people around resilience. So I think we get to start in this place foundationally of saying, actually, resilience is the essence of what it means to be human.

27:09And it lives within all of us. And we don't have to go out and find it, cultivate it. And I know that because for you and for everyone listening, we've lived through every disappointment, every loss, every turn of events, every crisis, every health diagnosis, and we're still here. Do you think people have a resistance to it because they're like, well, if I have to have resiliency, that means adversity is going to come my way. And I'd rather just have a life where I live in this space of disbelief that there's actually going to be adversity come my way regularly and constantly in my life. I love that question.

27:44So another foundational element of this is this idea that challenge, change, and complexity, or the three Cs, are actually the fabric of what it means to be human. It's not the exception to the rule. It's part of what it means to live as a human. And I think once we think about resilience as being the essence of who we are, it lives within us. It's not something that we can be wanting or we have to go out and find. And then when we say, okay, the three C's are actually the fabric of what it means to be human. Then we get to stop feeling bad every time adversity shows up in our lives because we think we should be more strategic.

28:28We should be more visionary. We should be more thoughtful. We should make better decisions, right? Yes. Or we think, gosh, I thought I was a good person, but all these bad things are happening, so maybe I'm not. Right. But then if we say, ah, this is the fabric of what it means to be human. So now I get to move beyond this idea of feeling shame or ashamed and embrace the fact that these things are here to teach us. What was the first thing that taught you? Because this is, I'll be honest with you, when I knew you were going to be on the show, I prepped like a psycho for my shows. And I could not get this visual picture of this story of this little girl out of my mind.

29:07So even when you walked in here and I met you, the first thing I thought about was how proud I am of you of doing the work you do based on where I know sort of even the notion of it was born out of. Yeah. Yeah. I love that you shared that. So, you know, you've written a couple of books. This is my first book. And so this process actually taught me where resilience started. So if you had asked me a year ago, you know, when did this start? I would have talked about my graduate training, you know, my fellowships, the people that I worked with. And in writing this book, I realized that, you know, resilience found me a decade earlier than I had thought.

29:48Right. It already lived within me as my essence of being human. And so, you know, this all started, you know, in essence, one morning when I was getting dressed before school and I was a 14 year old girl. I was in high school and I had a ground floor bedroom with two windows and I had my stereo on. I was, you know, playing music. It was dark in the morning in the Midwest. For those of you who don't know what a stereo is, you can see us after. we'll talk to you about VCRs and butter churns. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, we didn't always play music from our phones. Just, you know, side note.

30:27So I had my stereo playing and it was like the fall. So I had my window cracked and I went over to turn off my stereo and there was this face at the bottom of my window. And so in my 14-year-old mind, I'm like flipping through all of my kind of, my experience Rolodex, if you will. Like how do I make sense of what's happening right now? and I thought about this experience with my dad where he'd been outside playing a trick on my brother and I. So I was like, dad? And he was like, take off your clothes. You're beautiful. And I was like, not dad, not dad. So I had this experience like if you watch a horror movie and it feels like everything's sort of like closing in, right?

31:13So I like bolt from my room and I'm calling for my parents, we make a police report. And the police officer says to us, you know, essentially, probably nothing to worry about here, just someone passing through the neighborhood of fluke, right? So I'm feeling afraid about this, right? But every time I feel afraid, I remind myself what the police officer said. So fast forward about eight months. My parents are now out of town. I keep this window where I saw this man and this face like shut tight. There's another window on the other side of my room that faces the back of the house, right? And so I just tried on some new clothes that I got at the mall, standing in my bedroom naked, and I hear his voice again.

32:00And he said, I've been waiting a long time for this. And that was the moment where three things happened for me. The first thing was my childhood bedroom, which should have been the safest place for me, became profoundly unsafe. I was naked in front of a man for the first time. And three, I realized this wasn't a fluke. This was someone who was tracking me, who was targeting me. So I start to call for help again, right, because I'm naked. And we had some babysitters staying with us that had two little kids. And for anyone who has little kids, you know that the bedtime routine can be kind of crazy.

32:45So they were upstairs doing the bedtime routine with their kids, and they couldn't hear me calling for help. And so from outside the window, he says, no one's going to come and help you. And you know what, Ed? He was not wrong. He was right. So I had this phone in my room, not a cell phone. It was a telephone line. And so I picked up the phone and I called the police myself. And so we went through a few more series of experiences like that. And then when I was a freshman or a sophomore in college, my mom called me and a neighbor of ours had been arrested for brutally assaulting and raping a woman, another woman in our neighborhood.

33:33and you know while it was never proved out you know in the court of law that this was the same person he lived four houses away and you know faced you know across the park my parents house he came all the times that he came there were a few more you know my parents weren't home and you know I went I went on and went to graduate school and in my training as a marriage and family therapist, I was reading the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder. And I realized I meet the diagnostic criteria for this. This is me. Who would have thought that that moment of some resilience when you're this little girl, really still a young girl, would lead to like what's going to be a New York Times bestselling book.

34:23It's led to you coaching all these different people in the corporate space on leadership and being more functional in these different things. So a well-built wardrobe is about pieces that work together and hold up over time. And a lot of you've been complimenting me lately, getting some DMs. Hey, my lead, I like that sweater. A couple weeks ago I had that tan sweater on. Where'd you get it? I can tell you where I got it. Quince. That's what quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on, even as the weather shifts. So I've been wearing quince a lot on the show.

34:53Like I said, kind of joking, but not really. A lot of you said, hey, man, looks like you've upgraded your wardrobe. Really, I'm spending less to do it too because Quince works directly with top factories, cuts out the middleman so you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. So in your case, refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com slash ed for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash ed. Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash ed. K-Pop Demon Hunters, Saja Boys Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's.

35:33They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day. It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really. Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba! Participate in McDonald's while supplies last. What I'm wondering, when I see somebody sometimes, I always go, man, they're one of the most resilient people I've ever met. But based on what you said, you're saying this resilience lies within all of us.

36:10This is important for someone to hear. I think so. And so this person isn't necessarily more resilient than somebody else. But what you're suggesting, because this is really awesome if it's true, is that what they've done is they've just tapped into their resiliency to an extent greater than another person that I know. Meaning they don't have a superhuman trait about them. They've been able to tap into it or access something that exists within all of us to an extent better than other people. True? True. Okay. That should give everybody hope as they go through difficulties in their life. That was a great conversation.

36:42Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So today I've got a really difficult question for you. is your will to win for sale. You know, I really believe that of all the things that comes down to in life about winning and making our lives the masterpiece that we want them to be, I really believe will has a lot to do with it. And the people that I've been around in my life, they have strong faith, obviously, but there's a part of them that has this will to win, this will to want to be somebody that's extraordinary.

37:18And for most people in life, I think when they take enough failure or enough setbacks, they will sell their will to win. You know, it's an interesting thing in life about winning. I just want to discuss this with you today. You know, you have to really decide right now and early on in the journey that you can't be bought. You can't be bought with enough success and you can't be bought with enough failure. Most people at the end of the day quit on their dreams, usually because there's just so much rejection and so much failure and so much letdown. I would love to tell you that winning is pretty and that making your dreams come true for your family is beautiful.

38:00But man, I got to tell you, on the journey for me, there was so many setbacks. So many times I thought I had it going and then I didn't. I thought we were going to make it and then maybe we weren't. So many people that I thought would be there at the end that weren't. There were people like you probably have had in your life that you really, really trusted that then let you down and hurt you. dark nights, sleepless nights, some really difficult mornings with a lot of anxiety and trepidation. You know, if you're going to win, you're going to carry the emotional burden of your business, of your family.

38:33And sometimes that burden emotionally just over time is so difficult to carry that most people will surrender their will. You know, I really believe that winning has a lot to do with your will to win. It's not always just, you know, having the right strategy or the right people in place, although you can't win without them. But at some point, it comes down to grit and desire and toughness and resiliency and relentlessness. And I call all of those things will. But for most people with enough of it, enough setbacks, enough things, they'll just sell their family's dreams up the river. They'll call it something else, don't they?

39:08Well, I didn't get along with somebody or there was this setback or the economy changed or this person screwed me over or whatever the story is that we come up with, all which could be valid. But at some point, basically what you're saying is all of that was too much. And so I've sold my family's dreams up the river. And I say it to you that harshly because I want when it comes for you, for you to avoid it that strongly. That I won't let you create a word game that makes you feel like it's okay to take an out, you know, take the door in the back there and get out of here and quit on your dream.

39:39That's not what you were born to do. That's not what it was designed for. Part of the game of this winning thing, part of the game of changing your family forever. Part of the game of changing how you feel about yourself is really difficult. And it's going to come with all of those things I described and more and shocking setbacks. Every couple, two or three years is going to be a day where you go, my gosh, right? Like that's going to happen. And for most people at one point, they just go, that's enough. That's enough. And that's why so few people win because theirs is for sale. See, what I would recommend you do is negotiate the price tag in advance.

40:14See, I believe the price you will pay to make your dream come true, your vision for your life come true, is infinitely less than the price you will pay if you don't. The price you pay if you don't make your dream happen, your vision for your life, is you live with that forever. And that price, I would never be willing to pay. I'll pay any other price as long as it's legal, ethical, and moral because the price you will pay to make that dream come true is so worth it. And it is so much less than the price of living with losing forever, with the life you don't deserve, with the people that you don't want around you, with all of your music still in you.

40:53So many people pass away with all their best music in them still because of the setbacks or the criticisms or the things that just didn't go their way or their fears holding them back. You know, price tags of life are interesting. See, successful people negotiate worth whether something is worth it, not what the price is or the expense is. If you're focused on the expense, you're always in a really difficult place. I'll give you an example. This is a metaphor, but it makes sense. When I had no money, right, which was most of my life, when I would walk into a store, I wouldn't get what I wanted in the store.

41:32I would get what I thought I could afford. And so what did I do? I flipped the price tags over. I didn't always just get what I wanted. What's the cost? What's the cost? What's the cost? What's the cost? I'm sure you've done that as well. It's just really one of the real things in life. What's it cost? I wouldn't get the jacket in there I wanted based on what it cost. So that's a scarcity mindset, right? And so instead, when I became a wealthy person, I'm able to walk in that store and get the one that's worth it. What's the one worth it? And in our lives, when we're operating from a weak position.

42:04We're operating from a poverty mindset. We're constantly negotiating the price tag of like, what's it going to cost me? What's it going to cost me? What's it going to cost me? And we focus so much on what it's costing us, the pain we're going through, the price we're paying. We're constantly focused on the price we're paying that eventually we just go, I can't do it. The cost is too great. If you're focused on the cost, you'll eventually lose because the cost is so extraordinary. But if you switch that subtly and say, is it worth the price? Is it worth it? You focus more off the cost and onto its worth, then you got it.

42:37And so let me ask you, what's your family worth? What are your dreams worth? What's the pride of living the life that you've dreamed of worth to you? And once you focus on the worth, you'll probably pay any price. You'll go through any cost. But you have to negotiate, in my opinion, that price in advance. I think if you wait till you're in the middle of it, you're in big trouble. And so I would challenge you today to negotiate the price you're willing to pay in advance, whatever it is. And then the negotiation is over. So decide now what price you're willing to pay or not pay for your family. And just be honest about it.

43:17There's a certain place where I'm going to sell my family's dreams up the river. You know what? I'm just going to give up. And that's what most people do in life. Like I said, they call it something else. They frame it differently. They create a story that makes them feel okay about it. By the way, the only reason I know this is I've done it myself on several different things. This guy screwed me over here. That one let me down. Ah, you know, timing wasn't right. Right? Whatever. The bottom line is, is that the price became too great for me. Had I negotiated that price in advance, maybe that would have never happened.

43:46So if you focus on what it's costing you all the time, which is what you're doing, and you know it's costing me this time, it's costing me this money, it's costing me this experience, it's costing me this, it's costing me that. You're probably going to lose. But if you start to focus on, is it worth it? Is the price I'm paying worth it? Then you got it. Why does that also matter? Negotiating the price as you're going through the battle in life takes all your energy and your focus. Isn't it constantly a drain on you? Is it worth it? Is it worth it? You're asking yourself this all the time. How do I know?

44:16It's what most people do that are trying to do something great. Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Right? What's it costing me? What's it costing me? You're constantly negotiating. It takes all your energy. It takes all your focus. And so the bottom line is it's better to just to decide today. And I would just ask you, what's your family worth? What are your dreams worth? What's your life worth? What price are you not willing to pay? Hopefully you don't want to do something illegal or unethical or immoral to do it. But beyond that, what's the price you're willing to pay? And get clear on it and then just stop negotiating it.

44:45Stop doing that thing back and forth, those mental gymnastics that you know exactly what I'm talking about. And just decide, I'm going to win. I'm going to pursue this. Whatever comes my way i've already negotiated in advance. So although it might be shocking or really painful I already negotiated that price already negotiated it One of the cool things for me like in my faith is I know the price has already been negotiated for me Right, like it's already been negotiated. I didn't have to do it Remember this change only happens when love is greater than your fear When love is greater than you price you're paying What I believe you have to do is you have to start to attach yourself to the love you have for other people.

45:24That love, because you're such a good person, is so much greater than the adversity that will come your way. But what happens when adversity comes, we detach from our love for our family, for ourselves, from the people that we want to help. And the love part gets diminished, and the fear and pain part gets increased. See, you show me anybody with a big old dream with enough reasons to win, and I will show you somebody who's going to win. I believe more than anything in life, having big, giant, compelling reasons why you want to win. The why is so much greater than the how or the what. The why is.

46:01And relentlessly focusing on that. When the why is big enough, you'll go through the how and you'll figure out the what. But in most cases in life, we don't attach those two things. People say to me all the time, I'm not even sure what will motivate me. I can tell you. Do you want to know the two things that will motivate you in your life? I'm going to give them to you right now. You always go, I lack motivation. I lack inspiration. I can tell you what they are. They're your dreams or other people. Those are the two great motivators in life. Usually most good people won't do very much stuff for themselves.

46:31They just won't. They're too giving. They want to change other people's lives. They love other people. They put other people first. Those are the people that ultimately win long term. So the two things that will motivate you are your dreams, what your vision is for your life, and other people. Those of you that have children, are you really willing to quit on them? Are you? If you have parents that you love, are you really willing to quit on them? Or do you love them more than any adversity that will come your way? Could you negotiate the price in advance and say, listen, it's worth it because my mom is worth it.

47:00It's worth it because my children are worth it. It's worth it because my God is worth it. It's worth it because I'm worth it. It's worth it because my dream is worth it. It's worth it because if I make this happen, I can change all these other people's lives. And those lives are worth the price I'm paying. Once you have the thing and the reason, the love for what you want, now you've got the negotiation handled because that is greater than the price. But when this isn't focused on, when the price is greater than the love, when it's greater than the dream, it's difficult. So one of the examples of that that I've talked about before is Bella's wedding day.

47:36Number one key from Bella's wedding day story from many years ago, 20 years ago. Why matters most. You show me somebody with a big enough why, a big enough reason, I will show you somebody who will solve for how to do it, for what to do. I will promise you that. Why is the most important thing? You give a father a story like not being there, and the picture, the mental picture in my mind of some strange man that I've never met before having that first dance and walking Bella down the aisle on her wedding day, I'll do anything to make sure that doesn't happen. I'll do anything to be there. And I can tell you I've done just about anything.

48:14In fact, my doctors that I'm with right now, part of that journey of staying healthy, where I found both of them, Gabrielle and Amy, is because I want to be there on that day and beyond. One of the reasons I'm willing to take this sort of downshift to some extent is, yes, I'd love to help more people. And yes, I'm going to contribute. And yes, we've got one of the number one podcasts in the world. And I'm one of the top speakers. And my businesses are growing. And all that matters. And I want to help all kinds. I want to continue to help millions of people that I've been blessed to help. but not more than I want to be there for Bella's wedding day.

48:47And so number one key is why matters most. And if you say, I don't know what my why is, I can tell you. Let me give you a hack to find your why. Your why will always be your dreams, whatever your dreams are, or other people. Whys can be distilled down always into dreams or other people. Doing something for other people that you love or proving people wrong. And what I will tell you under the why is that love is the biggest force in the world. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes.

49:21You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. My will to win is not for sale. So that's why I get up and I work out. That's why I try to do the nutritional program. That's why I'm taking this break from social media and reducing my travel schedule because my dream is to be at Bella's Wedding Day. And my will to win is not for sale on that. I've got to be there. There's no negotiation for me. It's get up and work out. It's make sure you take the right nutritional supplements. It's if the doctors say, slow down, Ed, and take a break for a while, I do it. There's no negotiation because I belong in that dream.

49:52I belong there with Bella on her wedding day and I like to get to the heart of it guys like I think the more we water down the reason the easier it is to have the price take us out Listen as I've been doing this video or audio with you thousands of people quit on their dreams Thousands of people quit on their vision every single day thousands and thousands of people quit on something and the reason they quit is the price got too great. And by the way, that's okay as long as you've already done the negotiation. But I have a feeling that if I asked you again really closely, how much, if your parents are still here, do you want to make them proud of you or take care of them?

50:31How about your children or your spouse, these people that you love the most? Maybe it's none of them. Maybe you have a grandparent who that when you were a little boy or a little girl really believed in you, really saw greatness in you. and you want to honor them and make them proud of you as they've gone to heaven and they're looking down on you and you want to make sure that you really prove them right. I won't let you not focus on that today because if I can get you focused on these people you love or these great visions for your life, I think that that is greater than the price you'll pay.

51:06And so I want to ask you that today one more time. Are you willing to quit on them? Are you willing to give in? Really, the only way you can lose in this life is to quit. Only way you can lose is to quit. Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't pivot, innovate, course correct. That's not quitting. That's the pursuit of something and saying, listen, what I'm doing isn't working. The definition of insanity is do the same thing over and over again. Expect a different result. I've got to innovate. I've got to pivot. I've got to get a different strategy. Clearly, I think you should be doing that. That's what my show is all about, is about strategy and innovation and progress.

51:38But the truth of the matter is most people aren't totally committed to their dreams They're not they're gonna stick their toe on it I'll stick my toe in it as long as it's not too painful doesn't get too difficult too uncomfortable Take too much from me be too inconvenient Then i'll pursue it. But if it gets too inconvenient too difficult too uncomfortable Yeah, i'll give in let me give you a secret People ask me all the time about the people that have been on my show that are some of the greatest achievers in life What do they have in common and i'm going to be candid with you Here's what they have in common.

52:09They don't have it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out. Most everybody, frankly, is pretty screwed up to some extent or another, and we're all just trying to get through this life and figure it out. What they also have in common is they didn't quit on their dreams. And the reason they didn't quit on their dreams is their love of their dream, their love of other people was greater than their fears for their inadequacies. But I can tell you that we all feel inadequate. We all don't feel prepared. We're all sort of faking it to some extent, aren't we, in our lives? And I know that shocks most people, but I think it should give you hope.

52:42They don't have it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out. But what I have figured out is that I'm willing to go into situations I'm ill-prepared for because I want to win for the people I love so much. I want to win for me. I want to win for God. I want to do something great with my life. And so although I don't have it figured out completely, I don't have all the answers, and neither does anybody that's been on my show. Anybody you've seen on this show as my guest, most of them don't have the vast majority of it figured out, but they're better at pretending they do. And to the extent that they are good at stepping into spaces they aren't prepared for, but they can kind of pretend they're prepared for.

53:18They've got this belief in themselves that if I can get in the room, I will figure it out from there. You know, if you had to know everything required to win in life, the truth of the matter is you probably would never get started. if Henry Ford started Ford Motor Company and said, I have to know everything for the next hundred years for this company, he would have never got started. I mean, who's supposed to repair these cars? There's nowhere to repair them because there's no dealerships yet. There's no mechanics. What about all the stuff for the tires? You know, how are we going to fix these things?

53:47Where are they all going to get fuel from? What are we going to do when there's emission standards? These things didn't even exist then. He couldn't think through every logical problem. He had to just get started. If Steve Jobs and Wozniak, when they started Apple, which was basically a board company, would have thought about, well, what do the internet comes? What about this iPhone phone software? What about the Mac? What about, well, they could never think about all of those things. Things evolve. You just get into the next room and you evolve, right? You get into the next space and you evolve.

54:13So you don't have to know everything. By the way, no one you see that's successful knows everything, but they do have this ability that when they get in the room, they're not negotiating the price anymore. They're negotiating their way into the next room. They're negotiating their way to the next level. They're willing to take the heat and the adversity. And then the other thing is this, you got to resell yourself regularly on the dream. You know, once you have a dream and you know what I'm talking about, some of you are years into years, right? Maybe you just got to resell yourself on the dream.

54:42What it's going to mean when you get there, what it's going to look like, how amazing it's going to be project into the future. Listen, an idle mind really, really is in pain. It's in jeopardy. But a mind who's saying I'm fully focused in the present, but man, the future looks so bright. The future is amazing. It's going to be incredible when we get there. Everything's going to be different. We're going to have great change. Our family's never going to be the same. We're going to get to go to this vacation and see this thing and help that many people and feel that emotion and have that memory.

55:10The truth of the matter is that your dreams in your life are not a hallucination. I believe they're a gift from God that is a glimpse into what's possible. It's like a possibility projection for your life is when you look into the future. Dreaming is free, yet most people don't take advantage of it or they did it once, but they haven't resold themselves the dream again. Maybe you need to go touch your dream. Take a weekend somewhere where you get clear on this is where we'd love to live or this is what we'd love to drive or this is how I'd love to serve in our church and just take a Wednesday and serve one day in your church and resell yourself.

55:42You know, most of life, the truth is, is really selling yourself on things. You're selling yourself something right now. You're selling yourself your worries and your fears, and you're selling yourself the story of how big a trouble you could be in if this doesn't work out. It's a sales pitch you're doing on yourself, aren't you? It's a story you're telling yourself. There's a narrative that you're starting to speak to yourself. So is the other one. It's reselling yourself on the dream, on the story, on the narrative of where you're going and what it's going to look like. I just feel like in life, a better life is to sell yourself on the future.

56:19Sell yourself on how great it's going to be when you get there. Learning to live fully present in the moment. Let me say something. When you're negotiating the price, you're not present. You've projected into the future more pain, more difficulty. You're not in the present. So if you've negotiated it already and you block that off in your mind and go, I've already decided I'll pay that price. I've already negotiated that. That's already happened for me. Then and only then can you sell yourself on where you're going and what it's going to look like when you get there. And when I say resell yourself, I'm a big believer that you need to touch your dreams.

56:53And so I said this a minute ago, but I want you to understand it. You got to sell yourself on stuff. So like, for example, like where I ended up living in my life, I would take a little vacation there on a weekend for like one night. I'll never forget this. I wanted to live in Dana Point, Laguna Beach, California, that area. And so when I would have a win in my business, I would go to one night at the Ritz-Carlton and Dana Point, Laguna Beach. Just one night there. And I never had been anywhere like that in my entire life. And I had the feeling of driving up to the valet in my not so great car at the time.

57:25but I remember just the feeling. It may sound hokey, but given the valet my keys and Mr. Mylet, are you staying here? Yes, your name, Mylet. Great. You write Mylet. I'll never forget the first time the guy wrote Mylet on the valet tag and he gave it back to me. I saw my name, Ritz Carlton, Laguna Noguel or Laguna Beach. And then it said Mylet. And I remember putting that in my pocket. And I remember walking into the lobby and like the marble floor. I was like, oh my gosh, this is incredible. And I'd watch how other people walked and talked that belonged there because I didn't feel like I belonged there.

58:00And then I checked into the hotel. And I remember back in those days, I would go play golf just to be around successful people. And my wife would go get a massage and lay out at the pool. And then we'd have a nice dinner. And I would just touch that dream just for one night, maybe every eight weeks, just one night. But what started to happen is I started after time, over time going, I belong here. I belong here. I became comfortable in that dream. And our mind moves towards what it's most familiar with. And then I remember the first speech I gave being super uncomfortable. But I remember the more I did it, the more I felt like I belong here.

58:35I'm comfortable here. I moved towards what I was familiar with. And it's interesting. The other place that I would go take my mini vacations was to the desert, to the Palm Springs La Quinta area of California. And I would go out to this one resort called the La Quinta a resort and I couldn't afford to be there for more than one night, but I'd get a deal on the room, you know, and I would just touch that dream for a night. I remember going, wow, these desert nights are so amazing. And then we'd go out there maybe like three months later, but I would touch that dream three or four times a year and I would touch the other one.

59:02Do you know that later in life for many, many years, those are the two places that I lived. I lived in that area and I lived in the other one. And I really believe it's because I had touched that dream over and over again. Maybe your dream isn't anything like that. Maybe it's to be full-time in the charity or full-time in your church. Go take a day off and serve and just feel like it. Maybe do that every three or four months if you can and touch the dream because we move towards what we're most familiar with and we get in life what we believe we deserve and where we believe we belong. And so long-term, if you're doing this negotiation thing, you just don't believe you belong there.

59:38And at some point, there's going to be enough pain that's going to prove you right. You're going to go, I knew I didn't belong here. I knew this wasn't for me. I knew this was for other people. I knew I'm an imposter. I knew I was faking it. What am I, crazy? And I have to tell you, I have this happen all the time. Like I have something I'm doing right now in my life. It's a very major project. It's a property that I'm developing. And there's a lot of difficulty with it. And every time that difficulty comes up, I go, what am I doing? Am I crazy? That's not for me. That's for someone way wealthier, way more successful than me.

1:00:10And I have this thing where I want to surrender. I'm negotiating it. So I'm not perfect at this stuff. And so a lot of times when adversity strikes, it's like proving you right. The price is too great. The price is too great. I'm literally going through this right now with something. And I have to remind myself, I'm reselling myself on the future. I'm actually today, tomorrow, I go visit that place just to resell myself on the dream of being there, just to resell myself on the vision. because it's so easy when you have a vision and a dream, right? And you have it. So you establish a plan and a goal, and then you start going through the stuff.

1:00:47And you feel like further and further away from the vision and the dream and why you did it in the first place and the inspiration behind it. And you're more and more focused on the price. So today's podcast, I literally designed for me, right? It's the price. I'm like, gosh, it's taking a toll on me physically. It's taking a toll on me emotionally, right? Financially. yet it's my dream. It's my dream. And so I've got to come back and go, I love this dream. I love the experiences I'll have with my friends and family more than the price right now. Stop negotiating the price, Ed. You already negotiated this price.

1:01:21Your love for these people in this place and the memories that'll happen there are greater than your fears and your worries. And then I'm reselling myself by going back because our mind moves towards what we're most familiar with. So if we're most familiar with our fears and our worries and our concerns, we're going to move towards it. It's like a magnet. Thoughts are magnets. They pull us towards what we're focused on. So it's very dangerous to focus on all the pain, all the price, all the cost all the time because you're going to move towards more of it. But if you focus on how worth it is, remember this cost versus worth, right?

1:01:54Then you can say my will to win is not for sale. I can't be bought. You can't be bought with enough success and it can't be bought with enough failure. You know, many people are bought with success. They have a dream. They get a little bit of it and then they're bought. Their will's gone. They don't want to work like they used to work because they've got a little taste of success. They got a little taste of progress. Those people end up paying a greater price later when it goes backwards and they have to start all over again. So don't let success take your will to win and don't let failure take your will to win.

1:02:21I think basically today my message to you was you've got to decide right now what you're willing to pay for a price and not. And once you've decided it, don't revisit it. Don't revisit it. Just make the decision that you're going to will this to happen. Get some prayer about it. Get some clarity about it. Feel like you've got a conviction over it. Get your mind empty. Meditate a little bit. Get clear. And then ask yourself, is this really my dream? And if it is, start reselling yourself all the time on that dream, that it's worth it, that you belong there. I'm going to say something to you that I want you to never forget.

1:02:54You belong in your dreams. Your big, bold, God-sized dreams, those aren't hallucinations. Those are visions of what's possible in your life. And I want to tell you, I believe you belong in those dreams. You do not belong in your fears. You do not belong in the negotiation. You do not belong in your worries. You belong in your dreams, the big ones and the small ones. But I think especially the big God-sized dreams. And most of those dreams are how you want to feel about yourself. The emotions you want to experience, the memories you want to have, I believe are the things that most matter to us.

1:03:27It's not the thing or the house or the this. It's how we want to feel. And I believe you deserve to feel that way about you and never give in to a price that tells you you're not willing to do it or worthy of having it in your life. Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show.

1:03:54Jay Shetty:This quote by Thomas Edison said, when you feel you've exhausted all options, remember this, you haven't. I love that. That's the power of one more. And so I have lived this book in my life. Like I have lived this mindset and it has changed my life because I've always been just one step away, one habit away, one mindset away from this amazing life that I'm grateful and blessed to live. Well, that's the truth, right? You're right. Right, and I think the great lie in life is that some scriptures say, well, where there's no vision, the people will perish. Whatever your scriptures are, do you have no vision?

1:04:33If you ask the average person, do you want to be happy or sad? What's your vision? They'd say, I want to be happy. Do you want to be rich or poor? Most people say, I'd like to be rich. Do you want to contribute or make no difference in the world? I want to contribute. Do you want beautiful memories or no memories? I want memories. So there's a vision. Our issue is depth perception. We think it's further away than it is. And because we think it's so far away, Jay, we create patterns and behaviors in our life that perpetually keep it there. And that's what we do in our life. But what if that's the great lie of life?

1:05:01And what if the truth is that you're one relationship away, one meeting away, one conversation, one podcast, one interview, one new thought, one new emotion, one new tactic or strategy away from completely changing the trajectory of your life? and everyone that you and I know that we both work with that we're blessed to work with in our lives the truth is it was one decision one meeting one extra rep one more phone call one thing they did that changed their trajectory then the question then becomes how do I do it and so the strategies are in the book but conceptually that's a hundred percent how you change your life yeah and you're

1:05:40Jay Shetty:so right I was thinking about this this morning last year I had a double hernia surgery on the front like so i couldn't walk for about a month and when i say i couldn't walk i mean like i literally couldn't move oh my gosh it was like i was like i felt like i was teaching myself to walk again like that's how it felt it's really interesting what you just said about how we perpetually push it far away i would wake up every morning and my mind or my initial mindset was like it will be gone today yeah it must have gone today like today it will be fully healed i'll be fine today and I would wake up and I wouldn't be.

1:06:17Jay Shetty:And I would feel like healing was so far away. Yes. It would be like 80 % away that I was missing out on the 1 % change since yesterday. You got it. Since yesterday, I made 1 % change. I wasn't feeling the same pain in my nerves. I was able to be flexible by 1 % more. And I was missing out on all of that because I was so obsessed with how far I was. That's the journey. From completely healing. And what happens is when you live with an expectation that these one mores exist, the reticular activating system in your mind filters them into your awareness. I call it the matrix in the second chapter of the book.

1:06:54When you wake up believing, hey, I'm one decision away. I'm one meeting away, one relationship away. That's not hokey. Your mind begins to filter the people, places, and things into your awareness. You develop something called sensory acuity. You hear conversations you weren't hearing. We've all had that experience where we're on an airplane. I can't stop hearing these people over here. Or you walk in a loud room, but you can hear your own name auditorily over all the other names in the room. That's because it's important to you, and it matters. You see things. And so when something becomes important to you, and you believe it to be true, the RAS goes to proving it for you.

1:07:30And where I learned this, ironically, I talk about it in the book, is my father was an alcoholic and had tried to get sober many, many times. And I'll never forget it, Jay. We were driving to a baseball game of mine. My dad started crying. I'd never seen my dad cry before. And he pulls the car over and he still isn't looking at me, but he's crying. And he says, Eddie. And then he turns to me and he goes, I'm going to try to get sober. And I'll never forget this brother. He goes, one more time. And I said, really, daddy? He goes, I'm going to give it one more try. And I said to him, I said, why would this be any different this time?

1:08:06And he said, never said this to me before. He goes, because I love you and you deserve it, Father, you can be proud of, and you can't be proud of me right now. And I think every great thing we do in life is one away, but it's also born from love. To talk about your book, when you love people or you love something so deeply, if that love is greater than what the obstacles might be, now you got a shot to do it. Then my dad gets sober. He comes home from rehab. I say, Daddy, are you never going to drink again? And he said, I can't promise you that. I can promise you I'm not going to drink for one more day at a time.

1:08:40Jay Shetty:Wow. And he lasted the rest of his life, stacking those one more days up. And so I know the power of one more. The other thing, I also know humans can change. I watched my hero do it. I watched my dad live my first 15 years. So I'm in a lot of fights. A lot of lying, a lot of difficult times. And then I saw this man transform. And in life, we're most qualified to help the person we used to be. And what we think in life, and I hope everybody gets this, We think the things we're most ashamed of, embarrassed by our divorce, our bankruptcy, or maybe we've just always been average and ordinary. This disqualifies me from being successful and happy.

1:09:17What if that's not true? What if the hardest things of your life are the very things that qualify you? I'll give you an example. You know, my dad got sober. Somebody helped him. My dad was going to take his life or lose his family. And I didn't know who it was until months ago. Some precious human being whom I didn't know. in my dad's darkest hour of his life, Jay, said, I'll help you. I'll help you. Little did that person know I'd be his son and I'd help millions of people and I'd be on Jay Shetty's show and we both helped millions of people. And the more ironic thing that this person helped my dad is what qualified them to help my dad.

1:09:52They were a drunk. They were an alcoholic. They at one time were a drug addict. They at one time were lying and stealing and living in the shadows. The very thing that person probably figured that disqualifies me from having a successful life was the one thing that did qualify them to help my dad. So if you're listening to this and you've had something you're ashamed of or a failure or a setback, you're most qualified to help the people you used to be. And that person, that alcoholism they suffered with their drug addiction helped my dad live those one more days forever.

1:10:22Jay Shetty:That is the best explanation I've heard of how pain turns into purpose. The thing that brought you down, that broke you down, that made you feel like you were losing everything, gave you back everything when you used that to serve the people that were struggling with it. And then there's a purpose. And if you can survive the temporary pain in your life, and all pain is temporary. I watched my father pass away last year. He was in tremendous pain. Even our bodies are temporary. Only our souls are permanent. If you can survive the temporary, on the other side of temporary pain, you meet another version of yourself, another insight about yourself.

1:11:00And that's why it's so important to grow as a person, because the more we grow and become a new person, we can help those that used to be like us. And that's why you and I are so addicted to growing and learning. And we're curious because if you used to be a broken person and you no longer are quite as broken, you can help broken people. If you used to be broke financially and you no longer are, you can help people. Whatever you do for a living, at one time you didn't know about it. And now you do, You can help those who need to know about it. And so you're immensely qualified if you understand the power of doing one more.

1:11:30Jay Shetty:Oh, I love it. I love it. Tell me about, so let's say, and you probably come up against this all the time. A lot of the people say, okay, I'm going to practice that. I'm with you, Ed. I love you and Jay. I'm listening and I go, yes, I'm going to practice the power of one more. Now what I find, and this is why you're so great at teaching this, because you're not teaching it as a gimmick, a glitch. you're like a little affirmation. This is like real, it makes sense. Like it works. People get so tied to the result that when they try it the next day and the sales meeting doesn't go their way or the pitch doesn't go their way, they go, ah, it doesn't work.

1:12:08Jay Shetty:It doesn't work. Why didn't it work? And how should we respond when we fail or get rejected? Well, it didn't work because you're so attached to the outcome. I coach a lot of athletes. I know you do as well. And one of the things that's a really nuanced thing in life, it's It's great to have goals. You should have goals. I want to do this or that. But in the moment of execution, you have to separate from outcome in the moment that you're executing and just be present and exist. I talk about this in the book. Here's what I would say. If you're going to win long term, 95 percent of people have an operating system in their mind where they operate out of history and memory.

1:12:42Jay Shetty:Oh, I like that. And about five percent of humans operate out of vision and imagination. So the reason we're so much happier, I believe, when we're children is we have no history and memory. So we operate of imagination and dreams and vision. But at some age, some people, it's five years old. Some it's eight. Some it's 18. Some it's 28. They create a history. And that history then becomes the operating system. So even if they take on a new behavior or tactic, they're operating out of a pattern of thought and belief that's historic and memory based. And so the number one thing I would say is begin to operate out of your imagination again, out of your vision again, create from that place.

1:13:20If you create from that place, now you're not tied to the result in that moment. You're giving yourself space to imagine and create something new in your life.

1:13:30Jay Shetty:I've never heard that in that language, man. That is so powerful. Thank you. You're so right about as kids that we don't have any memory or history. So we don't have any blocks. We don't have any limits. And begin to listen to the people around you. People say, hey, you're the product of who you hang around. How do I know if they serve me or not? Here's one way to just deduce this, because they could be beautiful people who care about you, and they might even support you. But when you're with them, what are you, you ever have those friends, you're with them, you're like, you remember when, you remember, you remember, remember that party, remember that thing.

1:13:59And if your friends are constantly bringing you to the filtration system of memory and history all the time, think this through, How often are those friends saying, hey, what are you working on now? Where are you going? What's your vision? What do you want to create? And maybe that sounds hokey, but you and I have some of the, some of our, both our friends have the most amazing histories and you can't get them to talk about them. No. You have to work because what are they still doing? They're talking about now and where they're going. Their viewpoint in their life is being present and having a vision for the future.

1:14:31A formula for misery, a formula for lack of creativity, lack of productivity, is constantly being history and memory. Even if it's good, it doesn't serve us. And for most of us, it's not good. And we keep living from it or trying to move away from it. Create a new future. Don't move away from the past. Create a brilliant, imaginative, curious, vibrant vision for your life.

1:14:55Jay Shetty:Oh, I love that. Yeah, we're always trying to create the same past as opposed to a new future. And I find that what's really interesting about that, all the studies show that nostalgia makes us believe that the past was more phenomenal than it actually was. If you remember that party you went to at college, it's better in your memory than it actually was. If you actually could have gone back and remembered how you felt hung over and what you broke a bone or whatever happened, but now in your memory, it's beautiful, right? So our memory also is slightly warped of the past. It can make things feel much better or much worse sometimes.

1:15:32Jay Shetty:No question. But what's really coming out for me right now is this idea that it's something you said a couple of moments ago and it sparked a thought for me. I remember the story that Vanessa Bryant told about Kobe Bryant after he passed away. I was fortunate enough to interview him about three months before his tragic passing. And she told this story and she said that Kobe would play through every injury he would play through every pain he would play through everything even when the doctors and his coaches would say stop playing and she asked him she said once why he still plays right again going back to our curiosity not assuming you know your partner she asked him why do you still play and this is just her and him there's no cameras there's no she's telling this story but at the time it was just them two he said it's because there's someone who's paid for a ticket today they saved up and this is the only time they're ever going to be able to come maybe a son's maybe a dad's brought his kid maybe someone's come to the game they're a lifelong fan and they came today and today's the only day they're going to get to see me and if i say i'm injured yes they won't get to see me so i'm gonna play so that that person that one person gets to see me play and then he goes and wins yes and it's like that's love that's like that's what you were saying love for something is in the present moment also right love is not just for the past and it's funny how important one day is man when my dad got sick my dad got cancer when he first got sick he goes hey my dad was a dude he goes look i'll fight this one time okay i'll do your little chemo and your surgery but i'm not gonna pour poison into my body i'm not I'm not going to lose my hair.

1:17:17I'm not going to deteriorate. I'll give this thing a shot once. If it doesn't work, I'm out." That led to eight years of him fighting it. Wow. Chemo, radiation, proton therapy, surgery, surgery, chemo, experimental chemo. And he did lose his hair, and he was in pain. And I'd say to my dad, I'd say, Dad, you're suffering so much. He said you wouldn't suffer. He said, No, Eddie, I'm in pain, but I'm not suffering. I choose not to suffer. And I'm not suffering because I get to see my grandkids again. And I said, Dad, why are you doing this? And he said, you only understand the power of one day when you're threatened with never having another one.

1:17:54I'll do anything for one more day. Get to be with you one more time. Give your mom a kiss one more time. Maybe I'll see one of my granddaughters get married. And he goes, I'll do anything for one more day. The beautiful thing is I was actually with Kobe a week before he passed away. We were in the same gym. Our daughters played volleyball. and ironically that day, I watched Kobe walk out of the gym. There was only a couple dads left. It was late at night. He stayed and I stayed and he had his youngest daughter in his arm and he was rubbing his other daughter's back and I remember taking note of it because I was with Bella at the other end of the gym and I remember thinking, I don't hug Bella enough.

1:18:34I need to hug, no joke bro, it's in the book. I went, I gotta hug Bella one more time every day, not just once a day plus one more time every day my daughter's gonna get extra hugs because Kobe does that what if I could have said to Kobe when he got in his car Kobe you have one more week brother tell those that you love you love them get it right whoever matters to you make it right call your dad make it right call your mom call your family what if the day before you could have said, Colby, I have one day left. And my dad, same thing. I was with my dad when he had one day left. I was with my dad when he had one hour left.

1:19:13I was with my dad when he had one breath left. And when we begin to think of our life that way, the power of right now and having one more moment and one more minute is so beautiful. It's so blessed. It's so big. It's so amazing. Why would we spend that minute in history? Why would we spend that minute in the past when we could be fully present in creating the future. And so, you know, I think most people think, Jay, everyone else is going to die. I think they just think, I'm not going to die. Or they go, I'll get around to being happy. I'll get around to making my masterpiece of my life. I'll get around to my dreams.

1:19:51I'm going to get around to fixing this relationship that's broken. I'm going to get around to feeling those emotions. And then it's another day and another day. And they keep it in the distance until there are no more days. And I don't care if you're 18 years old listening to this, 28 or 48. We don't know if we have one more day or 100 more days or 1 ,000 more days. But we know this. There'll eventually be a time where we don't have any more days. And so why would we spend the ones that are coming looking at the past? And so my dad really taught me those lessons in watching him pass away. And that's why I have a whole thing in there of how to get 21 days a week, run many days.

1:20:30I get 21 days a week. We still measure time, bro. Like it's 1900. Think about 1900. If I wanted to get you a note, I'd have to write a letter out, stick it on the back of a horse's butt in 1850. 30 days later, you get it. That was a 24-hour day. Now I can text you in two seconds. We measure time the same way. So I teach you how to change your time so that you can make that day its maximum bliss. Its maximum productivity.

1:20:54Jay Shetty:What's one more that you're working on right now? Right now, I'm actually, it's an interesting season of my life. I have a TV show that I did with NBC that's called Change that I think has a chance of getting picked up. But my one more that I'm working on right now for me in my life is my peace. And so there's this guy, Jay Shetty, that's a friend of mine that introduced me and my family to meditation. And I'm giving myself the gift of I don't just do it in the morning now. I've given myself the gift of one more time every single day of just emptying my mind and trying to be fully present. And it's been work for me.

1:21:31I've got that busy type of a mind. But I have found that my peace in my life, most of us, Jay, have all these goals of things we want to do. And they're wonderful. And I believe in doing that. I think standards are more important than goals because, and I teach you in this book, how to set the standards that will get those goals. But we really don't want the jet. We don't want the hit song. We don't want the amazing relationship. We don't want the million dollars. We want how we think it will make us feel. And what if we began to become more intentional and outcome oriented about the things we feel in our life?

1:22:06And it took me a while, but now that I'm older, when I feel strong, when I feel blissful, when I feel peaceful, is when I produce the physical things that I want, not the other way around. And so my one mores are more emotional focus. Most of us, then I'll come up for air here, have an emotional home. There's three or four or five emotions we experience on a regular basis. I write about it in the book. and no matter what happens we find a way even if they don't serve us to get those emotions if your emotional home is fear anxiety worry depression anger you find a way every week to get that emotion but what if that emotional home could become bliss and peace and joy and creativity and ecstasy and so I'm working on one more beautiful emotion for my emotional home and for me it's

1:22:51Jay Shetty:peace I love that I love that answer man it's good to hear about what you've been saying like We're not living in the past and you're like in the present. But to have you answer that question, that peace is your presence. Like that's what you're looking for. That's the present. And it shows that you're using this like it works. You're doing it time and time again. And I love what you said. It moves from the physical things into the subtle, into the emotional, into the deeper. I think that's so profound. What was that one more that if you didn't do it, you wouldn't be here today? What was one of those ones that like, ah, like that was the one that convinced me apart from obviously your father that you were like, ah, if I didn't do that, I wouldn't be Ed Milet today.

1:23:31Jay Shetty:I wouldn't be maxed out life. The first business I built was a financial business and I had had some success, Jay, like a lot of people do in life. And then it went backwards. And sometimes you get up the flagpole just a little bit and you come back down. That's an emotional difficulty. It could be a relationship that was good that's gone or maybe it saved some money. It's gone. Maybe you lost a bunch of weight and got fit and you gained it back. For me, it was my business. And I called my dad. He was a pretty wise guy now that he was sober. And because I could tell you, man, I do one more rep in the gym.

1:24:00I haven't done 10 reps on a bench press in 30 years. I've done 10 plus one more a lot, though. I haven't done 45 minutes on a treadmill, but I've done 45 plus one more minute. 10 contacts a day? Never. 10 plus one more. But the biggest one more was actually something else. I called my dad and I said, hey, dad, it's not going. The business is crashing. and I'm running out of money. Our power was turned off. Our water was turned off, Jay. We had to take my wife every morning. We'd lost our house. We're living in an apartment now. Then the water got turned off. You can't cook. You can't bathe. There was an apartment building.

1:24:35We had an outdoor shower at the swimming pool, and we were newlyweds, and I'd have to get up every morning, walk down there, and I'd hold a towel up while my wife took her shower every day outdoors and brush your teeth. And then she'd switch and hold the towel up for me. And I'd walk back up to the apartment and I was so emasculated, so ashamed, so embarrassed. And I was living a nightmare, selling a dream to everybody every day. We can do this. A lot of entrepreneurs or people can relate in their life. And anyway, I called my dad that night and I said, I think I need to pack it in. I need to go get a job.

1:25:15This success thing is not for people like us. And my dad goes, Eddie, you don't have to decide you're never going to quit. He goes, just don't quit for one more day. See how you feel tomorrow. I go, Dad, just don't do it for one more day. And I got the next day and I still wanted to quit, but not quite as much. And then I went one more day and one more day. And I found myself about 30 days later, I didn't want to quit anymore. And thank God the one more I did was I went one more day without quitting. And I'm so grateful I didn't quit on my dream.

1:25:47Jay Shetty:Oh, Ed, wow. That is like, oh my gosh, man. Everything you're just dropping right now, I'm just like, I hope everyone is taking notes. If you haven't been taking notes, I want you to take a screenshot right now of where we're at right now, because that's what you're going to have to listen to again. So take a screenshot, share it, tell everyone to go to this segment, listen to that over again, because I think what I'm hearing, you know, is that this is a lifestyle. Like this is a mindset. It's a lifestyle. It's an everyday, every moment way to live. This isn't just in the big business you're building.

1:26:19Jay Shetty:This is me telling my wife I love her one more time. This is me making sure I message my mom one more time. It's me making sure that when I'm sitting here with you, I'm always going to have to ask you one more question because you keep giving so much. No, but you keep giving so much. Well, that's what you just said. It would never end. I think people feel like they tried a lot and then they start building up resentment and pain and bitterness towards that path. And a lot of people also that I know, they just think that there are some people who are meant to be. I agree with this. And then there are some people that are not meant to be.

1:26:58Jay Shetty:That's correct. And they carry that with them. And it comes from this like, oh yeah, you were meant to be this, or that person was meant to have it. But for me, this is where, and I heard that kind of come up in what you were saying to your dad, like it doesn't happen to people like us. How does this rule, how does this principle apply to someone who's in that space? Brother, best question ever. Because I grew up with no, you have an alcoholic dad or a drug addict, or maybe you come from divorce, or maybe your parents just didn't love you enough, whatever it was, didn't tell you they loved you enough.

1:27:26It's hard to have self-confidence. I was a little guy. I got bullied in school. And even at this age now, bro, if I'm being completely honest, self-confidence, we all teach that it's part of keeping the promises you make to yourself. But what if you raise the standard a little higher? You keep the promises you make to yourself, plus one more. Because for me, self-confidence didn't come easy. I think in life, ultimately, you're going to get what you believe you deserve. And if you're wound up wired like me, I didn't think I deserved a lot. I didn't even have a dad who could stop drinking, right?

1:28:02I wasn't six foot four. I don't have an incredibly high IQ. There's nothing really that impressive about me, nor were people very impressed with me most of my life. So that was my pattern. That was my history. That was my memory. And so the only, I could wait around until I developed tremendous self-confidence, or I could begin to do things every day that were small. They're not major. And over time, when I did those one more calls, that one more meeting, that one more book I read, that one more podcast, not only am I doing more reps, so the likelihood of me being successful is bigger, but I started to convince myself I'm doing things other people aren't willing to do.

1:28:43Maybe I deserve things other people aren't going to get. And slowly but surely, I started to convince myself I did deserve it based on what I was doing, not necessarily the caliber of my talent.

1:28:55Jay Shetty:Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the difference. Yeah, you just, there's a thought I've been having recently and it's that comfort creates self-care, but discomfort creates self-respect. Oh boy, I love that. Right? Like it's what you're saying. I love that. That the one more discomfort every day, that's where self-respect comes from. Yes. You don't. Great term. Yeah, you don't you don't start to trust yourself or build self-esteem or believe in yourself because you just say it to yourself It's coming what you just said you got then take one more meeting and see what you learn You got there and take one more risk one more discomfort And I guarantee you if you have a successful or happy friend Whichever how you determine that and you ask them this they tell you that we're right.

1:29:38Yeah, they would tell you gosh That's right. It's right and the difference between winning and losing happiness and sadness is so small It's almost scary to talk about. But the good news is I think I kind of know what it is, and it's this one more.

1:29:52Jay Shetty:Absolutely. The people that I know that are the most successful and happy have more uncomfortable conversations. Agreed. They have more uncomfortable days. They have more discomfort in their lives. Yes, totally hear that. But selected discomfort. But one of the other things that I'm asking from now, I'm like going into like the people that I know that I'm thinking about, I can see their faces, and I want them to know that I'm asking for them. A lot of the time, one more in the wrong direction can also be really misguiding. Sometimes people, and I know you're a person of faith too, and so we can touch on this.

1:30:33Jay Shetty:Sometimes we're climbing the mountain and we keep doing one more, but we're actually going further away from who we are, who we want to be, our faith, our partners. We know people who've built multi-billion dollar companies but lost their kids. That's right. Or they've become famous and rich but their partner cheated on them. We know a lot of those. And you know people who didn't do all of that and that's happened too. It's both ways. How does one use one more and make sure it's in the right direction? Such a great question. I'm doing this now regularly because I've made some of those mistakes.

1:31:10And what I do is I check in with myself one more time. meaning it's important to ask yourself, what matters to me now? See, if we had this conversation 20 years ago, the things that mattered to me then are so different than what mattered to me now. But a lot of us keep operating out of what used to. Maybe you've achieved or are pursuing a dream, and it's really, truly no longer your dream. It's no longer your dream. When I was young, listen, we were going to do a podcast. You say, hey, I need you on the show. People are going to love you. You're going to get recognition. You're going to get all this acknowledgement.

1:31:45And that would have been my hot button, my need. I believe in the six human needs. My need was significance and recognition. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's wonderful. And so that's the button to get me to move would be significance, recognition. Well, I've been blessed the last 30 years or so of my life to have a beautiful abundance of significance and recognition. It's no longer what fills me. Now you get me to do an interview. You go, hey, I really think we could help some people. My big button in my life now is contribution. There was another stage in my life. It's still there. But hey, if you go there, you'll grow.

1:32:20I still want to grow. But I know me now. Right now, I'm in a season of my life that's contribution. It's giving. It's what fills my heart. And I think it's checking in with yourself one more time. What matters to me now? What do I want now? What's important to me now? What season? night. Maybe you're in a season where you need to rest. Maybe your spirit and everything about you is telling you, hey, it's time to feed you again. It's time to recharge. If that's the season, then answer that call. Don't play out of a past playbook. And so for me, that's the season I'm in now. And I'm sure that in five or eight more years, there'll be something else.

1:32:56But I regularly, on a monthly basis, you recommend it in your book so beautifully about your relationship, checking in. You have these strategies you teach about weekly and monthly and quarterly and yearly with your partner of checking in with them. I also recommend you check in with yourself and what matters to you now. And so for me, it's a matter of checking in now so that I don't lose my family in the pursuit of my business or lose me. Lose me. Who am I anymore? And I've had times where I'm like, this doesn't feel like me anymore. And I had at least the ability to at least acknowledge that and make a change.

1:33:31Jay Shetty:Yeah. And I love that you brought up seasons because I feel like no one on planet earth we don't have the power to change the season but you have the power to live the season well that's right you can either be in the right now it's been raining right wherever we are it's been like pouring down with rain there's all this effort you could carry an umbrella well you can tell how i'm dressed i'm definitely not dressed in my usual gear right because i'm dressed for the rain i'm prepared yes because that's all i can do i can't make the rain switch off. I can't stop it. Right. Like I can't do that. And so I love hearing that you're just learning how to thrive in the season.

1:34:07Jay Shetty:And so if your season's telling you to rest, you can't force the season and you have to live it through. You have to experience. You know, I think you have to remember one thing, man. I think it's as easy as a person to forget this. And I just would love to say this because you have such an amazing reach.

1:34:58We'll be right back. paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just$15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment. Anyway, give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three-month plan equivalent to$15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com.