Priscilla Shirer: The Secret to Saying No!

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0:56This is the Ed Mylon Show.

1:25She's unreal, but she's not just a speaker. She's an author. She's a mother. She's got going beyond ministries. She's you probably know her from the war room. She's She's just super famous

1:38It's awesome and she's uh She's one of the people has been on my list for years to get a chance to interview and I've met her recently And she's so nice in person and so on You know when you have somebody that you all admire like you do this woman She's even better in person and I think you're gonna enjoy the time with her today Priscilla Shire Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. I appreciate you so much. It's true. Wait till this crowd hears you. Okay, let's start in the very beginning. Okay. What's it like to be you? And I mean it from this way. Let me tell you the way that I mean it.

2:06You're busy. And so people listening to this may not relate to being in movies or writing books or having ministry work or all that stuff, but they do relate to being busy. So you're a mother, you're a wife, you've got all these different business ventures that you do, yet you show up with really present energy every time that I've met you and I'm with you, including today. I'm wondering how you do that. If you have any strategies you use or anything like that, you'd share with busy people. Well, who's not busy? You know what I mean? We kind of live in a culture that creates a vortex of busyness, that if you're not intentional, it will consume you.

2:40So it's something I'm not perfect at for sure. It's kind of like we're growing and ebbing and flowing and maturing in this our whole lives. But man, I've had to learn how to just say good, solid no's. And I mean, honestly, there are more no's than yes's. But the no's, every no creates an opportunity for a yes. I realized a long time ago that if I say yes to something out of guilt, because maybe they've asked four times before and I haven't been able to do it, or yes out of fear of missing out, it's an opportunity. Every time I said yes for those reasons, I regretted it. Because I'd get to that day and my kid has a soccer game.

3:18I'd get to that day and goodness gracious, I could have taken a vacation that week with my husband, but now there's something planted in the middle of the week that I didn't say yes to for pure reasons. So that happens enough to you and you have that feeling of remorse that you didn't say an honest, genuine yes, then it starts to not be worth it anymore. So I appear far more busy than I am. I appear far more busy than I am because from the outside looking in, it looks like I'm everywhere doing everything. And I'm really not. I'm home most of the month. If I'm gone twice a month because I've said yes to those two things, then that's going to be two 24 to 48 hour periods that I'm away.

3:57Other than that, I'm at home. Really good. I wish I'd have asked you that about 14 years ago. Me too. Because I'm just, I'm not good at that. You know why? And I want to ask you this. I think this is why people say yes. Well, I think there's a lot of reasons. One is people pleasing or whatever. Of course. But also the fear of losing momentum. Of course. Do you ever have that fear? I mean, I wasn't joking in the beginning. I was being serious. I said it lighthearted. Yeah. But you've built this massive following and notoriety and frankly influence. And I wonder if you worry ever. That's a good question.

4:27That I've asked other people on the show. I had Sebastian Maniscalco, the comedian. I said, do you worry you're going to lose it? Because he said, I have a hard time saying no. And he said, yes, I do. And I've asked a lot of people that. And they say they worry that. I wonder that that doesn't impact you. I will say that it occurs to me that there's always the possibility there that if you're not saying all the yeses and you're not doing all the things, there is a cost to that. There is a loss to that momentum. I don't know that it worries me. I am grateful for the reality. And again, this is something that I don't want to sound like I'm a master at it.

5:01No, it's something that I have to kind of regulate constantly because you're watching other people that look like their thing is growing faster or more exponentially. I look forward, though, to the fact that when I have said no to something, for whatever those reasons are, I have actually opened up a window of opportunity for somebody coming up behind me that if I'm too insecure to open up that gap, that I'm actually standing in the way of somebody else who might be coming up behind me and just needs a place to be. But I'm so insecure that I keep showing up in the spaces that are now meant for them wow wow wow i kind of keep that in my mind that man when i was 20 something there were some people in their 50s that started to have different priorities maybe in that season because of grandkids coming along they were secure enough to say their nose that somebody sat there and thought well you know what there's this little girl named priscilla she's 27 let's just give her a chance there had to be a gap in a space for that so i'm at least aware of that i can't say that it worries me i'm aware of the loss of momentum Sometimes that just comes with age.

6:06The relevancy to a certain context might not be the same when you're in the age or space or season that you're in. So I'm aware that that could happen for a number of reasons, but it doesn't worry me. I'm trusting God with this season, just like I did with the last one. And I'm just expecting that he's going to honor me as I seek to keep honoring him. Gosh, that was so good. You hear that a lot from believers. I'm just going to trust in God. Yeah. And obviously, I think most people know your background, your father. Yeah. He's a good dad. Good dad. Good mom and good dad. And led a lot of people to Jesus as well, right?

6:44And I've never asked anybody this before because I say it too. And I've become much better. My fact, my word for this year is surrender. It's a good word. It's a hard word. It is a hard word, right? And so I'm just wondering, it's a hard question, but you're so, you have such an ability. There are bright people, right? And then a rarer ability is to have what I consider high IQ or EQ, which I think you have. And then the ability to articulate a thought. I'm going to ask you about that later. But what does that look like, like relying on God? Because everybody says that. Because someone's driving in their car.

7:14They're running on the treadmill right now. They have a problem. And they're running. They're ruminating it over and over in their mind thinking, if I just keep thinking about this again, I'm going to find a different answer. Right? That's what we think. I know I do it. What does it look like? Like day to day, I'm going to trust God in this season or rely on God. What's that like? Hard. But I will say it is easier. I have to just kind of reconcile the fact that it is easier for some personality types than it is for others. Wow. I'm an easygoing personality type. There are some people, friends and family members that I have.

7:49We can have the same conversation and the answer will be completely different because they're more type A, kind of a perfectionist by nature. I'm more of a relaxed personality. So yeah, so I would say that it probably is easier for me to come to that, but we're all human and want some modicum of control or management of our family life or our business life. We'd love to have it packaged a little bit more clearly. And I think that as time has gone on, the main thing that has helped me to relax and need to trust God more fully is having kids. It's this constant reality that I've got to let go. That to the extent that I try to manage and control is the extent to which I'm going to experience more and more stress and anxiety and not be able to actually enjoy them.

8:39So it's something that being a mom has begun to work even more in me. Let go. 20 years old, 21 years old, 22 years old. Let go. So coach, offer advice, but release. Now I can enjoy you because I'm not trying to control you. That principle has been true with other areas of my life. Okay, Lord, I'm struggling because I'd love to be able to manage this thing and control this thing. I'm just going to do my part, be prepared, make sure that I'm honing the craft, the skill, the opportunity you've given me. I'm going to do my part. But if I keep trying to do your part, then I'm not going to enjoy this ride of life because I'm going to be too busy trying to manage it and step into that God margin.

9:22So over time and again, I'm talking about this like I'm an expert and I'm not. It's a constant daily, weekly, monthly. OK, the next 24 hours, what does God ask me to do? I'm going to show up and do that to the best of my abilities and I'm going to leave the outcome to him. My goodness. That's one of the best answers we've had on the show. So that was such, by the way, that model earlier too, that you said about saying no to things and just reflecting on things you're saying and that it opens up other yeses. That's a faith thing as well. It is a faith thing. It's trusting that God's going to open up these other doors as you let other people walk through the ones that it's their time to walk through.

9:54Yeah, absolutely. And I think that when we don't have margin. What's margin mean? I know what it means, but explain. Blank space. The blank space on my calendar is not a threat to me. I'm not afraid of it. I look at that blank space on a Saturday, on a Sunday, on a Monday, on a Tuesday. And what that means is I can take a walk without the pressure of I've got to hurry up and catch a flight. I've got to hurry. The pressure of another important thing on my calendar. That margin allows me to take the walk, to have the conversation with my husband, to write without interruption because I can just spend the four hours writing or studying or baking the bread for my family or doing a thing.

10:35because there's space there to do it without my mental real estate being taken up with the pressure of something that actually I have to go do as well. That margin becomes an invitation, not only to enjoy the regular rhythms of life, but also the surprises that I feel like we work ourselves out of that God wants to give us, but we don't even have enough resource of time, of patience, of energy, of wisdom or insight. We're so tapped out all the time that we don't have an overflow to engage the stranger who stops us in the line at Starbucks and, you know, strikes up a conversation. Instead of being annoyed at that person, now I have a little bit of margin to smile back and have a little three-minute conversation because all my space isn't crowded.

11:24And that conversation hopefully is not only a blessing to them, but it becomes a blessing to me. Like God surprises me. Oh my goodness. I'm so glad I had this moment of margin to interact with this person. And now this, what could have been an interruption is an invitation and a divine moment that I can enjoy. That's tremendous. So I've just enjoyed those pockets of margin. God kind of fills them in with little winks from heaven. Wow. I was thinking, I didn't know we were going to go here. And what I was just thinking when you were talking, so help me go one more layer on it. It almost sounds like there's a life rhythm to your existence.

12:03And that's why you're fully, you can be fully present. I was just thinking in other areas, like if you're an athlete, rhythm matters, right? If you're enjoying a party or a dance or prayer or whatever, there's a rhythm, there's a pace, there's a cadence to it. I almost feel like in our culture today with social media and speed and the news and who did this and we're that we've lost the desire or even the consciousness of being in a rhythm in our lives, of having some pace and rhythm and cadence to our existence. Does that sound right? I agree with you. And it's being controlled by a rhythm we're watching in other people's lives that's perceived, it's created, it's filtered.

12:42So it looks like the rhythm of their life is that way or the cadence of their life is that way. But we're just seeing their highlights. We're just seeing the bits and pieces they give us. And then we're trying to keep up with it and model ourselves after it. And we don't know the cost. We don't know the price they're paying. We don't know the lack of peace they have or the lack of sleep they have. We don't know what their family life is like, but we're trying to match it. And it's costing us in ways that we have never anticipated. Now it's your podcast, but I have to ask you about the exact same thing, because I look at your world and your life and how engaged you are with people and how much you're doing.

13:19And I wonder about that for you, How do you manage sort of the rhythm of your life? That's such a great question. I've learned a little bit of another level of it just sitting here with you. Because by the way, it's actually true what you said. Like we've even talked about doing this show for many, many months. And finally the time was right. And I really admire that about you. I think part of what you said earlier for me has been age. And also it would be cool for two people that have had the blessing of some achievement to share this. In all honesty, I audit my dreams now. things that mattered to me at 25 or 35, which was just that season of my life, which is healthy at that season of my life, no longer are as important to me.

14:00And so I'm, I'm sort of regularly prayerfully asking for guidance and a little bit of auditing of what is important to me now at 55, as opposed to at 25 or 35. And I think I've done a better job of choosing things that I just had a conversation this morning, ironically, very well-known person in the personal development space. One of my dearest friends, she called me this morning in kind of a not feeling great mode. It was actually, I was getting ready for another podcast and I was a little bit late because I was so deeply engaged in this. And I said to her, she's just a little bit like, what should I be doing?

14:33I'm not sure. And I said, at this stage of my life, if it gives me energy when I do it, I'm not saying it's not work. Speaking is work. But if I feel energized, my soul feels fulfilled at this stage, I want to do more of it. But if I'm looking at my calendar and everything on it is, I can't wait till that's over. I don't want my calendar to be loaded with that. Now there are certain stages of life. I think you'd agree where you just have to do difficult things. You do the thing that's next. You do the thing that's next. That's right. But in between those gaps or that margin that you said, I have given myself more space.

15:06I have played a little bit more golf. I am. I pray more times a day now and more engaged in my conversation with God than I've ever been. It's not like, oh, it's 930. I'm going to hit my knees and say my prayers now. It's all the time or anytime. So that's changed things for me. And I think it's made me lighter. I don't think I'm quite as, I think my tendency, like you don't have, I think I'm, I can be heavy. You know what I mean? Like I can be wound up and heavy. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'm an intense guy. Who, you? I know. And I'm just, I'm a little lighter. It's a little lighter to be around me.

15:39By the way, how do you do this? This is what I, the this I'm referring to. You have an anointing to communicate. Is it just an anointing or have you worked at it? Like you're an incredible actress. You also have this form of expression of writing that you've been great at. And you are electric on stage. I mean, you are clearly. That means a lot coming from you. Thank you. By the way. And I And I mean, I am a little bit of, I think my ability to compliment people on speaking is, I really am sort of scrutinizing on that. It's a crowd. You are unbelievable. Wow. Okay. Truly remarkable. And even in this environment, have you worked on this?

16:18Is this an anointing? Did you pick it up from dad? Like, what is that? I did not realize it. First of all, thank you. But I didn't realize until later in life that my whole upbringing, I was in a master class for communications. It is what it is. I my dad has been my pastor since I was one year old every Sunday pretty much for my entire life I have watched Tony Evans preach he is a master orator clearly he is a preacher so he's preaching the Bible but even if he wasn't his ability to tie illustrations to principle his ability to make sure the message is concise and clear because sometimes as communicators, the hardest thing is to cut out all the extraneous things that might be great points, but they're not the point.

17:06And then your audience being able to take away the one thing you were saying, that's hard. I watched dad do that every week. So the reality is just the craft of communicating. I didn't realize I was absorbing that. I thought everybody spoke like that. Dell PCs with Intel inside are built for the moments that matter, for the moments you plan and the ones you don't. Built for the busy days that turned into all-night study sessions, the moment you're working from a cafe and realize every outlet's taken, the times you're deep in your flow, and the absolute last thing you need is an auto update throwing off your momentum.

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18:41I'm telling you, I'm kind of chugling because they're so comfy, and my sleep has improved so much. Upgrade your sleep with Bowl & Branch. Get 15 % off your first order, plus free shipping at bowlandbranch.com slash my let and use code my let that's bowlandbranch b-o-l-l-a-n-d branch.com slash my let code my let to unlock 15 % off exclusions apply and because of who also dad was around my early years I was around Zig Ziglar wow I just was with him he was like a grandfather I was just around him at events and sitting next to him and talking to him and watching him speak. I was around Ann Graham Lotz, who's one of Billy Graham's daughters, and oh my gosh, I was just watching her like, you got to be kidding me, you know, so there were people that I was just around, and I was watching the craft that I did not know in those years I would be a communicator for a living in this way.

19:36I didn't know that, or for a ministry, so in hindsight, I realized it wasn't something that I was actively practicing. I was just absorbing, And then obviously through the years when you're doing a thing, you know, I look back on some of my writing from 20 years ago and you look back at some of that and you're like, Lord have mercy. What in the world? Who was reading this? So it's just in the doing of a thing. I do think, and I'm grateful for this, that I wasn't so timid, even though I knew my limitations, that I wouldn't just do it anyway. meaning sometimes when we know our weakness we know we're not that great of a thing it keeps you from even trying and whenever I would be in that moment where I'm like I'm not going to speak because I'm not good enough or I'm not going to write because I can't there would be some voice of encouragement saying just do it just put the words down as you can and in exercising that you don't know that you're building one layer on top of another and there's maturity coming as you're going.

20:40So I am grateful that I was just doing it all along, even though I look back and go, man, that was terrible. That was a terrible paragraph I wrote in that book, but it's all exercise and you're building maturity and excellence as you go. It's so funny you say that I just redid the audio version of one of my books and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so bad. It's just like crippling when you look back on it. But what I did learn, I just want to reinforce worse, a principle for people that are listening is that maybe you're not a stage speaker. Maybe you're a salesperson. Heck, maybe you're just a mom or a dad.

21:12What you said about editing and cutting it down to fewer words, I got to tell you, my biggest blessing was I was a broadcast major in college. It's ironic that you were too. Okay. Success leaves clues, right? And so I didn't come back to doing it. I didn't know there was pod, when I was in college, there were no podcasts. I never knew I would even use it, right? But what you learn in broadcasting is to say something most people say in more words and fewer because you've got to get it into bites and so i learned to write and communicate think that way you're totally right about that less is usually more in your sales presentation even with your kids it's usually less is more so i really really believe that way in most areas of life even in the most fundamental silly ways like your closet if you have so much stuff in there this might be a woman's problem no i relate you got so much stuff in there You actually end up wearing the same three things over and over because you can't see what's in there.

22:03It's all smashed together. It's too complicated. It's overwhelming. You walk in. You're just frustrated. So you just keep picking the same two or three things. You edit that stuff and get it down to some good things that you actually wear, that you like. They fit you now in this season of life. And you space it out. You start enjoying what you have and utilizing what you have more because there's less. Very, very well said. Wow. I did that. I did a podcast on it. I did a whole thing on spring cleaning your life, but it started with my own closet. I'm like, why am I keeping this? I haven't worn this shirt in eight years.

22:36Not eight. Well, I'm trying to be polite to myself. I haven't worn this shirt in 28 years. I've been around a long time. But I very much agree with that. Sometimes just spring cleaning opens up clarity, and you can see things that you wouldn't see. And by the way, even sometimes, I think you'd agree, sometimes even relationships. relationships there are certain relationships in your life that you know aren't serving you but you keep them around because it's comfortable yeah yeah you agree with that oh absolutely there's so many things that again it's just there whether it's a person or it's a habit that we've had or it's a you know something that's been a part of our life for as long as we can remember and we haven't taken the time to do what you said earlier which is just pause and reevaluate we're just comfortable with it and it's just a part of our daily rhythm we've never thought about is it serving me right now?

23:25Or am I serving it right now? Am I offering value here? Am I just taking up space? One of the things that came to my mind earlier when you said you re-evaluated now at this age in your life things that are not as important to you as they were in the 20s and the 30s, I was immediately thinking about how when you're 20 and you're 30 and you're maybe starting your 40s even, when you're exercising and trying to eat right, it really is about fitting them jeans. Like I'm trying to look a certain way in clothes when you're 45, 50 and 55. You're still wanting to be active. But my reasoning is different now.

23:59I don't want to jog necessarily all the time because of the impact it's having on my knees. I want to walk when I'm 60. You know what I mean? I want my joints to be functional when I'm 65 and when I'm 70. So I'm altering even the way I exercise and eat based off of the reality of where I am today. If I kept doing the same kind of exercises I did when I was 27, it might do more damage now than help. So never pausing to reevaluate is going to cost us. Yeah. You know the other thing, too? By the way, I'm loving this. I love it, too. These are great questions. They are. Well, they're right on time for my life, too, because I do train very differently now.

24:41I'm not trying to get to the beach and you go, by the way, I did for a long time. Wow. Like, I don't. That's okay with me now. I'm trying to not blow this shoulder out. I'm trying to be able to throw a baseball to my grandkids someday. That's right. I want my shoulders to work. I want to ride a horse and not fall off. That's right. But there's this great, I want to ask you about this. I was thinking about people I was about to interview when I watched this clip, and you came to my mind. And it's not a faith thing. It's ironic. Although when I see faith things, I think of you a lot. Because your speaking is so incredible and has had an impact on me watching it.