Stop Allowing People to Treat You Below Your Worth

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1:45This is the Ed Myerard Show.

1:50All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So the theme for this week is you teach people how to treat you. And it breaks my heart how many of you, I believe, are living in a situation with a friend, a boss, colleagues at work, maybe your significant other, your husband or wife, and they don't treat you the way you're worthy of. And what I want to express to you today, if you're sitting here and you're listening to this or watching it, And I said to you, do you have anybody in your life treating you in a way that's less than you're worthy of right now? Just think about that question. Someone at work, someone you live with, parents, siblings, spouse, colleagues, friends, anybody, anybody in your life treating you in a way right now that's a way that is not worthy of you and you would like to be treated better.

2:38How's that? You'd like to be treated better by them. I want to tell you that you are teaching them how to treat you. And that has to stop. You need to teach them how to treat you. Malcolm X said, that which you do not hate, you will eventually tolerate. If you don't in your life begin with a relationship, a boss, employees, your customers even, if you don't begin to stop letting treatment come your way, that's less than you're worthy of. And I mean, hate it. Like, dispel it all together. Stand up for yourself and bow your back a little bit. We're gonna talk about how to do it today and what it means not to do it.

3:16But the truth of the matter is if you do not do this, people will continue, they are not going to change on their own. By the way, they are likely not going to change anyway. And you're worth it. You deserve better in your life. I want you to hear me on this. You deserve better in your life than what you're getting from one of these people you just thought of. And for some of you, it's more than one person. And that also means you are attracting this into your life. But if you live with a man or a woman who is not treating you in a way that makes you feel magnificent and blessed and loved and that they are grateful for you, this needs to change or they need to change.

3:57If people at your job or your friends are not treating you in a way that you feel loved, appreciated, welcomed, valued, important, believed in, cared for, safe, by the way, safe, that is not going to stand. That's not how you're going to live your life. See, what it really is when someone treats you in a way that's less than you're worthy of, it's a lack of trust. You can't even trust how they're going to treat you, but you're going to trust them with other things in your life. Something is simple with how they treat you, how they look at you, how they make you feel, how can you trust them with anything else if you can't even trust them with how they make you feel, with the way they treat you?

4:37You can't trust someone at your job or your boss or your spouse or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your friend in general. You can't even trust that they're going to treat you in a way that you're worthy of. How can you trust them with anything else? It's a total lack of trust. Ask this, would you let them treat your son or your daughter that way if you have children? Would you let them treat your daughter that way, your son that way? Or if you had children, would you let them treat your children that way or treat your mother that way? Absolutely not. Now listen to me, my friend. If this keeps showing up in your life, you keep attracting people into your life to treat you this way.

5:16Realize they are also attracting people like you into their lives because we attract the same types of people. And that could be everywhere from verbal abuse to physical abuse to not making you feel safe, all the way to just not being grateful for you, not making you feel beautiful or handsome or smart or cared for or appreciated or important or number one in their lives, right? There's a spectrum of mistreatment, devalued. Maybe they interrupt you. Maybe they don't listen to you, right? Maybe they don't treat you like they used to. Realize this. You attracted them into your life and they attracted someone like you.

5:54Because what we usually do in our lives is we attract the same person in a different body. So you attract people who don't treat you like you're worthy of, and they attract people who let them. And so it's a vicious cycle in combination. And they may relegate it just to you. They may be really good to their friends, but not to you as their girlfriend. They may be really good to their girlfriends, but not to you as their man. They don't call you back or talk to you the way they should. They don't use the type of words that are loving and caring all the way to negative words or dismissive with you or rude or mean or angry.

6:27Maybe they just don't give you the time and the attention you're worthy of. Here's the bottom line. If it doesn't feel good to you, it's less than you're worthy of. And if you're accepting it, let me say it to you again. If it just doesn't feel right to you, it's less than you're worthy of. That's part of your intuition. That's part of God screaming at you. You're worth more than this. You're better than this. you have that friend who they're really good to you when it's just you and you you and them one on one but when the group comes they ignore you or that friend where you go to the party they like getting there with you but then they want to go talk to the more important people or your spouse or your boyfriend or girlfriend they're great to everybody else and funny and outgoing but not with you right or you're the last thought or you're the one who always has to make the decisions or you're the one who never gets to make the decisions but what it really is it's a really deadly combination and a vicious cycle when people like this get together and it's up to you to break it.

7:21You've attracted them because you've always tolerated this treatment before or you started to somewhere else and they're attracting you because they've been able to get away with it before. Let me say something to those of you that are listening to this today that say this doesn't apply to me because I don't accept treatment unless that I'm worthy of. Are you the one who's treating somebody in a way that's less than they're worthy of? In other words, are you the other side of this? Is there any part of you that when you look at your husband or wife, your girlfriend or boyfriend, the people that you work with or that you employ, friends of yours, that you're the one that you know deep in your heart you could treat them better?

7:58You could be more loving, more caring. You could express more belief in them. You could make them feel safer, make them feel better about themselves. Be a little bit more understanding. Give them a little bit more grace. If you're the person who's on the other side of this today, take a good look at yourself. Does it really make you feel better about you that you make someone else feel worse about themselves or make them feel invisible? Or maybe just at a minimum, you just don't elevate this other person. You don't elevate them like you used to or like you could. And is there any part of you internally that doesn't feel right about that, that knows you are better than how you're treating this person?

8:39And if any of that resonates with you today, stay with me for the rest of today's podcast, because I want you to hear how they feel about the way you're treating them. So what do we do about this? How do we fix this? Because you're better than this. And as your friend, I want to stand up for you. So you'll stand up for yourself and only you can fix it. That which you do not hate, you will eventually tolerate. You need to lay it down. I don't tolerate this. I hate that you make me feel this way. Okay. It's got to be strong. So upfront, let's start with some things we can do. Number one, you have to start to express your standards upfront with people when you meet them, what your standards are, what your expectations are.

9:21Okay. And, and you have to express this upfront. Now, if you go, well, I've made the mistake. I didn't do that when I started dating her or him, or I didn't do that with my boss, or I don't do that with my customers. They talk to me, they treat me terribly, then you need to begin to express it now. Right now, begin to express what your standards are. Secondly, create boundaries. This is such an overused therapy term I don't like, but there should be boundaries of where they can go and where they can't go, what they can say and what they can't say. And by the way, in life, you probably can't change this other person, you're probably going to have to change the person.

10:00You can't change people. So you oftentimes have to change the people, but you've got to express your boundaries. One of the things I have a very good friend who went away to do some rehab a little over a year and a half ago. And when they got back, one of the things they learned for the first time was to express some boundaries. And part of those boundaries was what we were going to be doing around him. And he's like, bro, listen, for now, one of my boundaries is I don't want to be drinking on the golf course anymore. In other words, I would prefer that you not drink on the golf course around me.

10:34It's one of my boundaries. And by the way, you're welcome to drink on the golf course. Just, I won't be playing with you when you do. So it wasn't asking me not to do something. He was asking me not to do something in his presence. That's a fair boundary. Now, ironically, after about a year, he's become more comfortable in that boundary environment. That boundary has adjusted a little bit. So standards and boundaries. Next, expectations. It's a little bit different than standards. Expectations are rules of engagement. So things like I watch a lot of people when they go into different businesses, they speak to people that are there to help them in a way they would never speak to somebody else.

11:13And I believe it's okay to say, listen, one of the rules of engagement, if I'm going to serve you today, is that you address me with some respect. In a relationship, you let them know the words they can and can't use with you. You know, I despise when I hear a man particularly call a woman a name, name calling. Well, I lost my temper. Well, that's one of my boundaries is you do not speak to me that way. And one of my rules of engagement is you will not call me that word, call me those names, say that thing to me. or you will not raise your voice to me. It's okay to say, I don't want to be with somebody who raises their voice with me.

11:55And if that person says, I raise my voice, then you are not with me. It's okay. You can go raise your voice to someone who's okay with that. That's one of my boundaries. It's one of my expectations. And I hold myself to a standard where I don't do it. And so I expect you not to do it. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy. Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies. The process only takes minutes and it could mean hundreds more in your pocket.

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13:14Number four, correction needs to be immediate. The longer you go on allowing somebody to do something, okay, the more they believe it's acceptable and appropriate. it. Now, I just say this to you. Adults are like kids in the sense that when I was a little boy, if my mom watched me, I'd get away with something. The more I could get away with it, I assumed it was okay until she corrected me. But when my mom would immediately say, stop that right now, I knew, oh, this is a serious one. Okay. So the correction needs to be immediate. It could be calm. It could be, listen, I'm sure you've been with somebody before who this was acceptable.

13:51that's not acceptable with me. Okay. So I just want to immediately tell you, I don't like how that sounded when you said it, or I don't like what you did right there, or that's not acceptable to me. That doesn't feel right to me. That's not something that I would accept long-term. I will not tolerate that. Okay. So the sooner you do it, the better. Next, number five, no exceptions. No exceptions. If something is that important to you to mention and how you're being treated, there are no exceptions. Okay? Except here, or I'll let it go this one time. You've opened the door. That's when a relationship suffers, when it's got vulnerability, when it's not built on a solid foundation.

14:35If you have a boss who speaks to you inappropriately, or is condescending to you, or rude to you, or asks you to do things off of work hours that you're not comfortable doing, meaning extra work is what I mean by that. The one time you do it, then they're going to do it again. And so you let them know. If it's not acceptable, if it's acceptable, hey, I always go out of my way, I always do extra, it's no problem, tremendous. But if it is something that's not acceptable to you and you believe that they're using you, they're paying you for eight hours and working you for 11 or 12, then you need to begin to speak up the first time and don't make any exceptions for it because the one time you do it, then they're going to believe they can do it again.

15:11Number six, be the personal example. it's not fair to ask somebody to do something on your behalf as a standard of yours or a boundary of yours or an expectation of yours but you can do it to them don't be a hypocrite if you don't accept being called names or having your voice raised at you for example then you can't do that yourself if at work you believe one of the poor ways your employees treat you is by showing up late then you can't show up late right you can't tell your employees you're treating me poorly I pay you well by showing up late or wasting time all day long. And then you show up late and waste time.

15:50Be the example. The next thing, number seven, reinforce what you want. Meaning when someone does make a change and do things the way that you would feel great about, reinforce it and thank them. Reinforce it. Thank you. That was so beautiful the way you spoke to me. That was so wonderful that thing you just did for me. Thank you for cleaning up. Thank you for getting here early, whatever that thing might be. Thank you for being so calm in such a difficult situation. Thank you for correcting me with some grace. Thank you. Thank you for going the extra mile. Thank you for taking out the trash. Reinforce what you want.

16:29When you reinforce it, that person wants to do it again because it feels good to be acknowledged and recognized.

16:39next confrontation you're going to have to be willing to be a little bit confrontational from time to time one of the reasons you're being treated this way no matter where it is or what the circumstances is is you've been unwilling to confront it haven't you confront it you don't have to be a confrontational person in order to confront something that's bothering you but you're going to have to eventually build up the courage here like this second right now to confront it when it happens. And if it happens tonight or tomorrow or the next day, you've made a decision right now, I'm going to confront this when it happens.

17:17Okay. The next thing, begin to watch people like they're a silent movie. I've said this before, turn the sound off and watch what they do. You can learn a lot about people by not listening to them and just watching what they do. I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again. I'm so sorry. That's how my dad spoke. I'm so sorry. I learned that from my mom. Turn the sound off. I'm going to get better. I'm going to do this. I'm excited. I'm fired up. I love you. I love you. I love you. Show me. Turn the sound off. If you begin, I've learned this in 53 years, people will tell you what you want to hear most of the time.

17:55So if you could just turn the sound off and just watch them as if they were a silent movie, you'll learn so much more. We want to believe people. So we listen to what they say. We want to believe them. We feel bad about the confrontation. We feel awkward about finally standing up for ourselves. It's uncomfortable to do that. And so what we do is we really want to believe them when they say it, but you are best suited to turn the sound off and watch them. And if you just don't listen and you watch people, unless the thing they're doing is talking to you the wrong way, but don't listen to the apology, watch to see if they do it again.

18:28you'll learn everything you need to because human beings are great at manipulating a situation with their words. So turn them off. You've already made this mistake so many times in your life, haven't you? So just turn the sound off and watch them. And they'll reveal about everything you need to know over a period of time when the sound is off. The next thing you can do is write to them. one of the ways to confront people in a really powerful and beautiful authentic way is to not just do it verbally but to write them a note typing it is one thing but handwritten note where you give it to somebody and they read it without you there your heart your words on a piece of paper makes a deep impact to write them a letter and say listen I love you I'm so grateful for you in my life.

19:20You do so many incredible things for me or the family. And I just want to tell you that you're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me before. However, this bothered me yesterday and it can't happen again. I'm so hurt, blah, blah, blah. So write it, write a letter to your employee, write a letter to your customer. You say, I'm so grateful that we are doing business together. I really felt dismissed by this situation or whatever it is and write it. You will find that oftentimes words, that's why I say turn the sound off, words sometimes can escalate. Words sometimes can get lost. Words, we're not as articulate.

19:59Oftentimes when we say it in the moment, we don't say it the way we mean it or feel it in our own motions get the better of us. But when we write something, it's more deliberate. It's more thought provoking. And also when it's received, it's sometimes 10 times more powerful than just speaking. Many times you just can speak something, but if that's not working for you, I'm giving you another methodology, which is to write. There's a power to the written word because we see it so very rarely anymore. Everything's, you know, text or phone call or email or spoken word, written word and handwriting or printing makes an impact and it sticks with somebody and they will reflect alone rather than respond in your presence.

20:43So the written word can be a tremendous strategy. I'm not saying don't do it in person and speak. You can. I'm saying if that's not working or you want to make more of an impact, when someone has handed something or read something, you leave it on their pillow or in their briefcase or on their desk or wherever, on a table, they're allowed to read your reflections and reflect in their own space and time rather than right in front of you where they can become defensive. When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, you know your choices matter. You're the expert because you know what fits your life.

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22:07We end up thinking, this person has to be in my life because they're the most important person, or they're the most important client, or the most important. But the truth of the matter is, as you've gone through your life, the vast majority of people aren't in it anymore. Are they? There's a handful of people that are still in your life for 20 years. The vast majority of people don't stay in your life, yet this one person has to stay in your life, even though they don't treat you well. So when you give them all these opportunities, if it isn't changing, you need to separate from them or exit from them.

22:38And not enough people are saying this to you. At the end of your life, there's gonna be a handful of people, literally a handful of people who will have been in it the entire time. Yet in the short-term window that we can only see where we are right now, we think we have to keep these people in our lives even though they don't treat us the way we're worthy of. You'll be just fine. There'll be a mourning period. It'll be difficult. and then you'll probably be okay. And again, I'm not being dismissive of beautiful, important people in your life. And to the extent that it's a boyfriend of two weeks compared to a husband of 20 years, clearly that's a difference.

23:11Clearly it takes more deliberation, more time. I'm not being dismissive of that, okay? Let's be clear. Someone who's been your friend for 15 years versus someone you've known 15 days, there's more deliberation and more time involved. A client of yours who's been with you for a long time compared to someone that just walked in, there's a difference. A marriage compared to a date. Having said all of that, there's a point where your decision is to separate and exit. And if that's not on my list or on the table for you, you'll be weaker. It's got to be a card you hold. It's got to be a possibility.

23:51It's got to be a consideration and it should be. And And so there's little things you can say that bother you. Like, I don't care when I'm talking to somebody, even when I speak in front of 30 ,000 people. I don't like when someone's on their phone and looking at their phone. So I will literally say, are you listening to me? That's a little way of confronting somebody. Can you please put your phone down? I say to people, demand respect. Actually, let me correct that. Command respect. You know, if something bothers you, you say, could you do me a favor and just put your phone down while we're talking?