The Hidden Danger of Being Too Attached to Outcomes 

0:28So, hey guys, listen, we're all trying to get more productive. $10 ,000 worth of courses that are in there that come with the app. Also, some of the top influencers in the world are all posting content in there on a regular basis, like having the Avengers of personal development and business in one app. And I'm honored that he asked me to be a part of it as well and contribute on a weekly basis, and I do. So go over there and get signed up. You're going to get a free tuition-free voucher to go to an event with Brendan and myself and a bunch of other influencers as well. So you get a free event out of it also.

0:53So go to growthday.com forward slash ed. That's growthday.com forward slash ed.

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1:45This is The Ed Myron Show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So, as I am joined every single month by this brilliant man, the man who wrote High Performance Habits, the man who's the mentor to all the mentors you know on social media that's in the personal development space, and your favorite episodes, I find for most of you, every single month, are with the man who wrote High Performance Habits and a bunch of other best-selling books, but he just lays out his brilliant content once a month here on the Ed Milet Show. One of my literal best friends in the world, and I can tell you the last five years of my life, the person that's come into it, I'm the most grateful for, Brendan Brouchard.

2:22Welcome back to the show, brother. Wow, brother. Thank you so much. I love doing these with you. I love it. Sort of the audience. And so guys, fasten your seatbelts me the best 30 minutes you've ever spent, I hope. It will be awesome. I want to brag on you real fast because I know it's your show. No one needs to hear this except Ed and I just did an event together for growth day in Austin, Texas. And his ability to read an audience and to kind of size up the energy that they have and that they need is so above level. And I say this because every time I'm on you compliment me as a speaker or as a coach.

2:52And I got to be with you and watch you do it across two days. And I don't think if you're a podcast listener or YouTube watcher, it's hard to know what he does in front of these audiences. So I just hope someday you get to be out there in the crowd or on the stage with him like I was. It's just an unbelievable thing to watch. So thank you, brother. That was amazing. Well, we got to do the podcast on this. So we're gonna do that next. But you said this, and by the way, this is not in our plan, just so you know, but that growth day event was incredible and especially the Sunday portion we did with the Ultra members.

3:23If people want to find out about Ultra, do you remember the link? Because I don't remember it. Yes. Ultra.vip. And we spent an extra day with just this small group, me and Ed, and it was really a magical experience because you shared some personal things and some coaching experience, vice versa. We also talked about our families and our experiences with the audience and then we took Q &A from them. And it was a very heavy Q &A. You mastered that. That was a really incredible watch. Is it ultra.vip.com or just ultra.vip? Just ultra.vip. It's that VIP. Okay. That shows you what I know, guys. Okay.

3:56So there you go. We were talking about this nuance that's never discussed in personal development or performance that I think both of us have a great understanding from, partially because of the influence Wayne Dyer had in our lives. I mean, we both shared that, but I want you to talk about attachment. So goal setting is so important and it's, you know, if you break the topics in personal growth or self-help or business, goal setting is one of those major topics. But it can get overcooked sometimes. There's this nuance that we're going to discuss today. Brennan, start out with about having a goal, but not being so obsessed of being attached to an outcome that it somehow suppresses your ability to perform.

4:34Right. Because most people, when they have a high ambition or a big vision or very specific goal, and they're striving for it over and over and over day after day after day they end up increasing their need for it and now as they're seeking it they're like i have need for it and it takes them out of their own energy into almost an addictive energy or an obsessive energy that ends up depleting their presence and as you know like sports athletes we all work with it's like hey when when they lose presence they lose games if they're trying to figure out that exact next play and something is interrupted and they can't pivot or adapt they can't be present in the next play in the next huddle in the next moment then they always lose or if they do win they develop such a bad habit that when the big stakes are there when there's real pressure they put more pressure on themselves and so everything is about getting people very excited about an ambition, very clear about what it is, but the real outcomes and the real goals you're looking for are mastery in a skill and presence of mind.

5:47There you go. Practice, practice, practice, develop the mastery. So it becomes almost automatic, natural, you're fully capable. And then presence of mind to just be in that moment, Be in what we call the way, a part of the way, in presence with that. When you can do that, then you'll start winning. If you overly control because you need an outcome, it's like dating somebody who's needy. No one wants to date somebody who's needy. You want to date somebody who can be playful, who's there in the moment, but they're not needy. And if you can remember not to be needy about an outcome and be present with high skill, then you'll win.

6:23Yeah, you're exactly right. I was thinking about it from a business standpoint, but the relationship one's great. Like you want somebody who's in love with you and their goal is to someday be with you or make that work, but you don't want to have this feeling like they're needy to have it happen. Because what happens is, especially like in sales or business too, when you're so obsessed with your goal or outcome, you become, the neediness becomes desperation and you reduce your frequency and you actually place yourself under this person. And somehow now when you're presenting to them, they kind of have that smirk on their face, like they know you need something.

6:53So there's a place of presence and confidence that comes with having a goal, but not being so obsessed with the outcome. These seem like interchangeable words, everybody, but they're truly not. I'll give you an example that I gave this day. When I work with golfers, for example, they have a goal to win a golf tournament. They have a goal to make a certain amount of money, a goal to be ranked at a certain place in the world. And that goal is very healthy. It causes them to do the extra reps of putting and hitting the balls and et cetera. You could transfer a golf to any career. Having that goal is beautiful.

7:24But in the moment of execution, you must separate from your outcome in the moment. Because here's what happens. If you're over a putt and you want to make that putt, say, a professional golfer with their buddies on a weekend, they got a five-foot putt. They'll make 99 out of 100 of them, right? Because it's not needy. There's no desperation to it. But all of a sudden, they get in a golf tournament, and it's Sunday. And if they make this putt, they win the golf tournament. All of a sudden now they're obsessed with the outcome that's attached to the goal, which the outcome is to make this putt. And the minute you're obsessed with making the putt, I really think this through, everybody.

7:57You're now not in the present moment. You're one second from now of whether or not you make the putt. You're obsessed with this next moment of making it as opposed to just executing. So in the moment of execution, you have to let go and separate from your outcome and be present. because when you're obsessed with making the putt, you've now fast-forwarded two to three seconds from now from when you do or don't make it. And what your mind does is, what are people going to think if I miss it? What are they going to think if I miss it? What are they going to say he choked it away? Or what are they going to think if I make it?

8:24If I make it, I get all this other stuff. If I miss it, I get... And now you're actually living in the aftermath of the moment, so addicted to the outcome, and not in the present moment. And we always execute sales, relationships, putting, whatever it might be, in the moment of being present. And so a perfect example of it was, there's a great golfer named Rory McIlroy, who, at the time of recording this, just won the Masters. And Rory was coming off of, as you know, he had lost the U.S. Open last year. In a moment, he had a goal to win the U.S. Open, a major goal, everybody. And in the moment, on the 16th hole, he had a little putt that he made, I think they said 700 times in a row.

9:04But now he's so obsessed with the outcome of winning this golf tournament, he missed a putt that if he were present, he would make over and over again. Now, two holes later, he's ruminating on the fact that he had missed that putt. Now it's the 18th hole. If he makes this little putt, he probably wins the golf tournament to win the U.S. Open. It's a dream. He's won it before, but it's a dream. And he missed it again. So what happened was he didn't separate from outcome in the moment because he certainly has the ability to execute. You fast forward to this week when we're recording this, you'll hear it afterwards.

9:32And he is leading the Masters. He's going to get a career grand slam. Imagine this. You don't have to follow golf. he'd be the sixth golfer in the history of the sport to win the career grand slam which is all four majors you're talking tiger woods jack nicholas here gary player you're talking about the best players ever he's leading the tournament by four shots there's about five six holes to go he has the easiest 120 yard shot he's ever hit in his life he makes this 10 000 times out of 10 000 onto the green and he fats it in the lake and he double bogeys then he makes it to the 18th hole if he makes this putt all he's got to do is par the hole if he makes this little four or five foot putt he wins the masters the career grand slam that's been his goal since he was seven years old but in the moment of execution you have to separate from the outcome to achieve the goal he did not he missed the putt he missed the putt so now he goes to a playoff now he's in the playoff and he's made every mistake you could make to blow a golf tournament and you know what he finally did He said it in the post-fight interview.

10:38He goes, I just surrendered. I'm like, I'm just going to execute. If I get the goal, I get the goal. I got that close. I get the goal. He hits a perfect shot to four feet, makes the putt now because he's not attached to the outcome that he should have made earlier, just an hour before, and he wins the Masters. The point that I'm making to you all is that's a long way of telling you is having goals is requisite to success. But in the moments of execution, you separate and you just make the putt. You just make the call. You just do the meeting in the moment and you get back around to it. What would you add to that?

11:12Like you said, you learned some of this from Wayne. What was that version of it for you? Well, I'll add something first. I'll share what I learned from Wayne too. I would add just a phrase people can remember. Are you working the rhythm or are you worried about the result? That's the difference. When you're working a rhythm, working rhythm means you've just, you've got mastery. You've got skill. you've done practice after practice after practice. So now just work the rhythm, just do it. It's all, it's almost natural. Now all you do work the rhythm, just don't try to force things. That's what working the rhythm.

11:45It's like you're working the rhythm that you've already developed. So you already have a rhythm of play. You already have a rhythm of play that you've established over practice, practice, practice, competition, competition, competition. So now your rhythm is almost natural. And if you can stay in that natural element, that spirit of the thing, as the samurai used to talk about. You're in the spirit of the thing. So working the rhythm or worried about the result. And as soon as you know there's worry there, you're in need. So the way to tell the mental trigger is, oh, I'm worried about something.

12:21Oh, that means you're in need. I don't want you to worry about the thing. I want you to work the practice, work the rhythm. And that will really help people when they're trying to figure out, like, am I? Because everyone has an obsession. And sometimes they confuse their passion for obsession. And sometimes you, you're like confused of like result versus goal versus need. And so those two phrases will really help you work the rhythm. Don't worry about the result. Wow. That's unbelievably good. Yeah. What I saw from Wayne and, uh, he did a European tour. I got to go along with him and it happened to be a time in my life.

12:51It was really hard. I had, uh, wrecked an ATV racing some ATVs and I, uh, snapped my wrist off and dislocated my shoulder, broke my hip, broke a few ribs. I was in major pain. And I went on this trip to Europe because like, oh my God, I get to go with Wayne. I'm going right. And, uh, I just saw him go from space to space, to space, to space. So humble. So in the moment, you know, he's, he's leading his big tour, but he's picking up his bags at the airport. He's riding the bus with everybody. He's eating eggs in the morning with everybody on the tour. You know, he's just gliding up to the front of the stage in these old historic churches to share and talk about spirituality.

13:36You know, there was no denomination there. He was talking about spirituality and his whole, his ease with life was so incredible. And for those who know Wayne's story or ever saw him on PBS or read his books, he also had this famous talk where he would guide the audience. ed you probably saw him doing this to guide the audience and in singing row row row your boat yeah and so you get everyone saying row row row your boat gently down the stream and his emphasis there i'd never heard a man say gently go forth walk lightly and softly with peace and ride with the stream of life where i grew up it was like very like get this thing done you know and it was very that's good you need that type a you need that driven mentality you need the passionate completionist that makes us all successful and you need to learn to not stress yourself out you need to learn to have magnanimity and equanimity and you need to have that sense of peace as you progress.

14:49The real insight that most people ultimately get is they want peace and harmony with the drive and success. And you can have both. That's what we learned in high performance research.

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15:43This episode is brought to you by Indeed. When your computer breaks, you don't wait for it to magically start working again. You fix the problem. So why wait to hire the people your company desperately needs? Use Indeed's sponsored jobs to hire top talent fast. And even better, you only pay for results. There's no need to wait. Speed up your hiring with a$75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. If some of you are listening that are younger or don't know, Wayne Dyer is one of what we just call the godfathers of personal development. He's one of the icons.

16:20If there's a Mount Rushmore, Wayne would be on it, and he was an influence both over Brendan and I. You know, for me, you guys, as I've gone through my life, I am a major goal setter. I'm obsessed with, I want to be very clear on what I want, and I know many of you are. And if you're not, that is step one. I mean, if you're not clear on what you want and maybe equally important, the why behind it, the why, like who you're doing it for or what you're doing it for, that'll give you the juice and the drive to push through the adversity as it comes. Goal setting on its own is sort of an empty thing.

16:48But when you attach your reasons to it, big, fat, unbelievably emotional, compelling reasons, now you've got this thing that can push you past. As long as those reasons are bigger than your fear or the obstacle, you've got something. Having said that like everything in life, you can take it to an extreme and I did and I put tremendous pressure on myself And this is a metaphor for life The last several years brennan and I talked about this on ultra as well I've surrendered so many things in my life To god I've just surrendered This is yours god and the way that I would say it to you that are believers I think your goals are what will get you to plant the seeds in your life to do all the preparation, but you have to surrender the harvest.

17:32And when you surrender the harvest to your higher power, in my case, Jesus Christ, when you surrender the harvest, now you've separated from outcome. And now you can be fully present with your family when you execute. You will be at your, if you want to speak a different language that I also believe in, you're at your highest vibrational frequency when you're the most present. And even if you're a second ahead in your thinking, you are not present in the moment and you reduce your frequency, You reduce your flow state. You reduce your ability to execute under that moment. And ironically, your obsession with the outcome reduces the probability of you producing the goal.

18:06Isn't that crazy? And that's why conversations at this level that you're hearing right now are rarely ever recorded because in personal development, it's bubble gum, it's rainbows, it's taglines, it's generalities, it's platitudes. and no one at the highest levels discusses the nuances that really create high performance habits and maxing out. And that's what we're talking about right now. This is the real stuff of goal setting and separating from outcome. Having said all of that, Brendan, I want to ask you a question about the goal part of it because the outcome part of it, I think is most people never even get to that point because they don't have a clear enough goal or clear enough reason why.

18:45And for both you and I, I don't, I'll be honest with you. They're supposed to read your goals twice a day out loud. I don't, I have never really been proficient at doing that. Yet, if you asked me in my life, what are five or six of the things I'm currently working on, which you ask me almost every time we talk, I can give you a specificity and clarity. for me if i were to give people the most advice on their goals is it's not specific it's like i'd like to lose weight what the heck does that mean exactly how much right specifics i want to make a lot of money how much and how and why what would you say what's an added kicker on the goal part that you would say goals are not the game defining success is goals are sub levels of a definition or objective of a broader success.

19:37You need to figure out the, it's like a lot of people, their goals are like a bunch of things on a chessboard. But if you don't know what success is on a chessboard, you're just gonna move these little pieces around. There is no strategy. There's no goals. There's just like movement. And a lot of people, they're in movement. I say it to people all the time. A lot of people, Ed, they have busy work, but they haven't found their life's work. and they spend a little bit more time to find their life's work, what their definition of success is, what the key contributions are, what the bigger picture is that they're after.

20:12It doesn't need to be a grandiose purpose. It just needs to be, I feel that I'm moving in this very meaningful direction. And this meaningful direction is going to lead me to these type of successes that mean something to me, whether it's family or it's faith or it's health or it's business. but I have a direction because I have a definition. Now goals are like mile posts. That's all they are. Goals are the mile posts on the grander path. And a bunch of goals randomly strewn about on a mountain ain't going to get you to the top. And so it's very important. Like it's a definition of success. It's a direction.

20:53Then the goals become things you're looking at. Cause like, Oh, that's the next thing. Okay. That's going to help me get there. right it's like they're key objectives they're performance indicators there's things along the path but they're not the path once you just i've been doing this i would say something you keep going i've been doing this a long time i've never heard someone say that our educational system and probably our superficial learning has been always focused on such the micro right it's all the micro and they're missing the direction which is the the macro the bigger picture it's just like Like you get all the time like, geez, Ed, I like your biceps.

21:29You know, what is it? Is it five grams of creatine or 10? And you're like, get in the gym, bro. Find an enjoyment and a hobby and working out. Like the athleticism is the success. It's not just the micro. We focus on the micro. How many milligrams of this? It's like, but you're missing the entire direction. And that's where most people are. People feel lost, not because they're not doing things. I know so many people, their protocols are unbelievable. believable they're spectacular they send them to me people read high performance habits they're like oh here's all of mine and they have this huge list of habits and protocols and ideas and affirmations they have all the things like all the pieces of the chessboard but they don't know how to win the game and so your your game is to be on path to a direction that matters to you and you're going to have good days and you have bad days some goals will be fulfilled some goals you're going to detour around like that was didn't happen to be thing you're still moving in the right direction, but that goal ended up not actually being the thing.

22:27You and I have both dumped goals before because we realized it wasn't on the right direction. And so I think goals are very important, but I think that they need to be thought of in context to a bigger play in life. That's so good. I was thinking of that as you're talking, now I'm flashing to people that have been in my life that I admire. And that is verbatim the definition of who they are. Some of them don't even have specific goals they've got the direction they want to go and be and then others of them do have very specific goals that they are almost like leading indicators they're on path yes and oftentimes as i've changed where i want to be that goal is no longer i've audited myself as that goal is no longer part of where i want to go and what i want to be i i shouldn't do sports like i am so much today but i was thinking of tiger woods when you were describing it arguably the greatest golfer of this generation.

23:23He's known for being obsessed. Tiger's overall mission was he wanted to be the greatest golfer of all time and maybe break Jack Nicklaus's records, but he wasn't so massively obsessed with, I got to win five Masters, three U.S. He actually is famous for saying, I just want to put myself in a position on the back nine on Sunday to have a chance to win. And if I put myself in that position enough times, and that's who I am. Listen, everybody. Who I am is somebody who puts himself in a position to win more times than not. Things are going to work out. That is the great example of having some goals, but I surrender knowing because what happens when you miss one?

24:05If you're so addicted to it and that's the end all be all. Does everything else collapse around you? Which it does happen for a lot of people. I had this goal. It was to be at this and I'm not. And then everything else is collapsed. And I have found as I've gotten older, if I could go back to the younger me, I'd say, Ed, you'd be happier and more productive if you were more obsessed with the state of being that you want than the state of just doing or getting. and so it's not that I don't think you should have things you want to do or get but they are secondary to who you're being becoming and actually in the moment yeah I just really believe this if you're really great at what you do like you're just really great pretty much by and large great things start happening but if it's all about your protocol all about the things you want to hit as opposed to being and by the way state of being is being present in the moment like as a dad I'm a better dad when I'm not doing dad things.

25:07I'm just being with them. I'm just being with them. Do I have a goal to be a great dad? Yes, but that sounds awfully odd. It's like, it's what you just said. It's like my overall direction in my life is I want a loving, beautiful family. In every measurable way, I want joy and laughter and peace and faith in my home. Right? So it's more that than it is some specific measurable in my life. People ask me all the time, like, Brandon, what's the difference between a high achiever and a high performer? And for those who haven't read High Performance Habits or study my work, it's like what we discovered with high performers is they have long-term success, but they also maintain their health and positive relationships, meaning they achieve long-term success, but they don't wreck their health or relationships.

25:54That's the difference. But another way I've learned to say this is high achievers, they're they're weapons you know they can go in complete the thing get the thing done and they're like they're very good at conscientiousness as a trait in the you know in following through in completing things paying attention details but there's a difference between a weapon who gets things done achieves goals makes things happen completes tasks there's a difference between a weapon and a warrior see tiger woods no matter what you all think of he's a warrior what he's battled through with his health i don't know him personally i know people who do but he's battled through some extraordinary things and a warrior is much more adaptive because they know the bigger war that they're playing see if it's just the goal the task the protocol the thing you're playing and you might be good at it that's busy work but the difference is life's work a warrior is an embodiment it's a personality it's an identity as you shared earlier you don't want to just do Like good dads cook meals.