The Power of Being Vulnerable: The Real Reason Most People Fail at Love | Ed Mylett

24:55So I'll say it to you again. You can't love yourself if you're not being yourself. And sometimes being ourselves requires taking an inventory of who we really are, re-auditing what we really want, who we really want to become. Maybe we're living an old dream or an old story. You know, maybe lately we haven't been behaving in a way where we're treating our bodies with the love it deserves. The hydration, the good food, the physical exercise required to truly love our bodies. And I just don't believe that you could just love yourself when you're not eating well, at least most of the time, hydrating most of the time.

25:32If you're pouring drugs and alcohol into your body on a regular basis, that's not loving yourself. That's punishing yourself. That's hating yourself. And so this notion that self-love is just like, take me as I am, that's a bunch of BS to me. I just don't believe it. and the notion that you should just continue to treat yourself poorly and just accept it. It's not what I want out of my friends. It's not what I expect out of myself. It's not what I want from my children. It's not from anybody that I love. Is that true? In fact, I think true love is being able to be willing to speak truth to somebody.

26:06The higher you climb in life, it's harder to find real friends because everybody starts to yes you, yes you, yes you all the time. You have a lot of yes people around you. And I know the people in my life that really love me, they'll tell me the truth about me. Hey, that's BS. Or hey, man, come on, you're better than that. Or cut that out. Or whatever it might be. When my friends do that at this stage of my life, those are the ones who really love me, that speak truth to me. And so the first thing I would just say is being mindful. People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, what they feel, and what they want, right, on any given time.

26:40And they're auditing that regularly. The second thing you do is you take actions based on need rather than want. Take actions based on need rather than want. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that tend to get you into trouble, that keep you stuck in the past. Really, they lessen self-love when you have patterns and behaviors and habits that don't serve you. What increases self-love is treating yourself out of what you need, not just what you want. At any given moment, I may want something, but it's not really what my body needs, my spiritual needs, my psychology needs, my mindset needs.

27:16Here's another thing you're not going to hear every day. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing them all the time just to please other people. Too many of us, including myself and maybe you, will sacrifice our own needs, what we really need in our life, just to please other people, not to inconvenience them, not to make them uncomfortable. Maybe what you need to do is really pursue that dream you have right now, but you're not doing it because you don't want to make the people around you uncomfortable. Maybe what you really need to do right now is see a therapist or go to a gym or change the way you eat, but you don't want to make the people around you uncomfortable.

27:50Don't sacrifice your own needs just to please other people. That is not a form of self-love. Really, truthfully speaking, you can't transfer to somebody that which you're not experiencing yourself. What do I mean by that? If you truly want to love the people around you to your maximum capacity, your max out capacity, the limitation to your ability to show them love is actually capped by how much love you feel for yourself. You can only transfer to somebody a limited amount of what you're not experiencing. You have to be experiencing something fully in order to transfer it to somebody else. And so please understand this.

28:26To the extent that you invest in your own love, in your own care, in your, and what I mean by this when I say is your own self-disciplines. Remember, I'm connecting self-discipline and disciplines to love. The more you do those things to treat yourself wonderfully, beautifully, faithfully, the more you can extend love in a way that you've probably never experienced before to other people. When you truly have self-discipline in your life and you're doing the things that you know serve you the most, you will find a whole new level not only for yourself of love but your ability to give it and for other people to feel it from you.

29:00So next level is this, practicing good self-care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities. like I've said, sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy, prayer, meditation, healthy social interactions. The next thing is this. You got to make room for healthy habits. Start truly caring for yourself by mirroring that in what you eat, how you exercise, and what you spend time doing. By the way, earlier when I was talking about that 80-90 % of our thoughts aren't ones that serve us, what if we replace just 50 % of those negative thoughts with loving, compassionate and supportive thoughts about ourselves.

29:42What if you did that? What if you took 50 % of your negative thoughts and you replace them with loving and compassionate and supportive thoughts about yourself? You would find the support you've been looking for from within. You won't need it externally. In fact, if you're constantly looking for support, I need support from my partner, support from my spouse, support from my friends. What you're really saying is I'm not supporting myself. I need them to spell me. I need them to fill the gap. When someone is truly loving themselves, they don't need the support or the permission from other people.

30:12It's only when you're in necessity of that, that there's a deficiency within you. And here's the truth. You already know how to do this for yourself. Think about a loved one, someone you truly care about and that you want to see succeed. How do you talk to them? How do you talk to the people that you love, your children, your partner, your friends that you love when you're speaking power and belief and love into them? How do you speak to them? What do you say to them? and begin to give yourself that same gift, that same message. So many of us that lack self-love are incredible about giving it to other people.

30:44And by the way, you think you're great at it, but like I said earlier, it's limited by how much you can feel yourself. And so what you think oftentimes, here's what good people think. I'm being selfish when I work on myself. I'm being selfish. I'm bragging when I tell myself I'm built for this or that God made me in his image and likeness or that I can do something awesome with my life. I'm bragging. I'm brash. I'm putting myself in front of other people. But the truth is you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to begin to fill your own cup with the words you speak to yourself and the actions you take about yourself.

31:21You can't just tell yourself great things and not take any of the actions. Why? Because then you lose self-confidence. If you don't keep the promises you make to yourself, you begin not to trust you. And so it's not just enough to, I'm amazing. I'm amazing. I'm amazing. You're going to have to take the actions to validate it, to prove it. But once you start speaking truth to yourself, like you speak to your friends, and then you begin to act in congruence with that, your self-confidence explodes, your self-love explodes, your self-worth explodes. So I think what I'm saying so far is there's a lot to be said for the way you speak to yourself and the actions you take to truly create self-love and to feel self-confidence at the same time.

32:03Let me ask you this. When a loved one's struggling in a need of support, would you kick them when they're down or would you extend a helping hand? You know exactly what you would do. Yet in our own selves, we kick ourselves when we're down. Here I go again. I always do this. I always make mistakes. I knew I was faking it. We let the imposter syndrome come in and the thoughts start stacking in our heads about that we're not legit and we're not real and you always knew it was going to go back to what you're worth. And so when you're most down oftentimes is when you beat yourself up the most. And you know who needs you the most during those times?

32:38You. What I would say to you lastly, before we get into some really powerful stuff here, is here's the truth. How would God speak to you? What would God tell you in that moment? Whatever your faith practice is, most of you know that I'm a Christian, but whatever your faith is, What would God speak to you right now? I remember when I first adopted my faith, someone said to me, I'd had Max and Bella many years later, and said, can you imagine, Ed, how much you love Max and Bella, those are my children, that God loves you even more? God loves you even more than that. It was hard for me to get my head around that, but it's true.

33:16And so what would God say to you when you're down, right? Are you open to listening to that voice? and then when you do, you've truly started to love yourself. You've truly started to give yourself the gift between your faith practices, the way you speak to yourself, the actions you take. By the way, when a loved one makes a mistake, do you tell them how terrible of a person they are or do you give them credit for their intentions? Do you give them another chance? You ought to give yourself the same gift. Remember this, we really can't truly love others when we're not loving ourselves. Very short intermission here, folks.

33:50I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on apple and spotify. We have all the links in our show notes You'll never miss an episode that way now on with the show All right, welcome back to the show everybody So today's show is very very personal for me and very important to me As a man and so i'm going to talk to you today from a male's perspective about the men in your life And some of the concerns I have that I just sense so often through a lot of the messages I receive from men online on my instagram through this podcast so many men are tired right now. And I mean that from not so much as physical, but mentally and emotionally and spiritually.

34:29So I'd like you to listen to this closely today if you have a brother or a son or a father, maybe a significant other or a husband in your life, a boyfriend. Just like you to pay attention to the things I'm going to cover about whether or not your man is very tired and maybe even breaking a little. Now having said that, I'm covering it today as a man because I am one. But as I go through these things, this could just as easily apply to anybody, man or woman. And so many people are tired and down in our culture today. And I think we need to keep an eye on one another. But since I'm a guy, I'm going to talk about it from this perspective today because I understand this one pretty well.

35:07But I know full well, as I've said, that many of you ladies listening to this will say, same here. This includes me as well. And so keep an eye on your sisters also. So, but these are signs that maybe your man is tired or maybe even breaking a little bit. And like I said, it may not be physical. It may be more mental or emotional, but I'm going to describe him a little bit. I'm going to speak for him. And by the way, I'm also very, uh, I hear all this, you know, alpha male content that's on the inner about do this and this, and a man's got to step up. And for the record, I believe in that very wholeheartedly.

35:38Um, I, I consider myself, if there's such a thing, I don't know that I love the term alpha male, but I think most people that know me would say I'm an alpha of alphas almost in the sense that I coach a lot of strong male figures and they look to me for strength and confidence as well. Having said all of that, I think some of that can be overcooked and some of that stuff makes men not be vulnerable or authentic with their real feelings of what they're going through because they believe it's a sign of weakness. And so I want to break some of those barriers down today. I believe you can be a strong man or a strong woman.

36:12At the same time, be vulnerable and be willing to reveal fears and insecurities and things that are bothering you. And so let's just look at some of the signs, and maybe I'll describe for you some of the things that maybe your man is going through in his life. And again, of course, this applies to everybody. So again, it may not be physical. It could be mental and emotional fatigue. But let me tell you, he's tired of working so hard and having other people let him down. Things not working out. Not catching a break here or there. And he's not going to probably tell you about this because a man thinks if he reveals things like this that he's tired or hurting, that it's a sign of weakness.

36:53And nobody wants a weak man, most men think. And so we're constantly putting on the face, the mask of strength. And we don't want to reveal to you that we're hurting a little bit because we don't want to scare you. We don't want you to think we're not strong. We're not an alpha. We're not stepping up. And, you know, in his case, he may or may not want to die or anything like that. Maybe he does. But although sometimes he thinks a little bit about what it might be like not to have this huge burden on his back, the feeling of being average and ordinary or invisible, maybe he feels like he's just letting so many people down in his family because he hasn't won yet.

37:34and oftentimes in many men's lives their favorite time of day is when they actually go to sleep because they get a chance to just hide they get a chance to escape and the the irony is that even though he looks forward to sleeping so much he doesn't sleep very deeply or very well because so much is on his mind he may or may not be depressed but i can tell you this he feels sad often he feels alone often he feels isolated often let me just stop right there and say if any of you men are feeling that way or any of you women are feeling that way. It's okay to feel those things and there's a way out and we're going to talk about that towards the end.

38:11Oftentimes maybe he feels like he's done so much for other people and then when he needed them they let him down. That he believed in other people and gave to other people and when the chips were down and he needed that reciprocated they weren't there for him. That he's learned in life that a lot of these buddies of his that he went drinking with or went to a ball game with or even grew up with They weren't really his friends. They were there to use him. They were there for a stage in his life. And for him, loyalty matters. For him, dedication matters. For him, being there for a friend matters.

38:42And he just always assumed that that would be reciprocated, and it hasn't been reciprocated. And so he's been let down. He's been hurt. And again, as I say this, I know so many of you ladies are going, hello, I know exactly what that's like, and I know that you do. And men, if you have a woman in your life, a daughter, a sister, a mother, she may also be feeling these things. A spouse, a girlfriend, that her friends have let her down and she feels alone. She feels isolated. She feels hurt. She feels a lack of connection in deep relationships. Perhaps she feels invisible. And oftentimes I can tell you this man that I know very well, he feels invisible.

39:27and he thinks about and often hides things because he tries to escape. And one of his escapes can be alcohol. It could be gambling. It could be drugs. It could be pornography. It could be hiding in the lives of other people like his favorite sports team. It's one of the most insidious places men hide in our culture today is they hide in professional or college sports teams and they live their lives through these people that are actually living their lives on the field and they're just a fan in the stands. And the only way they gather any acknowledgement in their life is when a bunch of strangers on a field with other names on their back win or lose.

40:10And that somehow we won. And because their own lives have become so impossible to deal with, so sad, so frustrating, so empty that they've attached themselves and latched themselves on, to a bunch of strangers who, by the way, switch teams every three or four years anyways and don't even play for their team much. And again, I understand there's a beautiful thing about being a sports fan. I'm a huge sports fan. I'm a huge sports fan. I love all my Boston sports teams. When they win, I certainly feel great. When they lose, I don't. But there's everything in life is moderation. I don't live my life through them.

40:49I don't feel a sense of achievement when they win a game. I don't. I feel a sense of happiness and joy, but I'm not hiding in those lives. I'm very much focused on my own. But oftentimes, a way to escape is alcohol. And by the way, alcohol in moderation for many people is fine. Even if you want to gamble once in a while in moderation for some people, that's fine, right? Being a sports fan is great in moderation, but when it becomes your sole source of acknowledgement, your sole source of joy, your sole source of escape. You're just hiding in your own lives. And so the problem for him is not that he's feeling a whole lot of anything right now.

41:30He feels a bit empty. He feels a bit alone. And maybe right now he's feeling a little bit lost. He overthinks things. He does not believe in himself like he used to. And now that's starting to impact his effort. He's tried and tried and tried and he believed in himself and he worked on himself, but it just hasn't worked. It's not that he's lazy. He's just lost. It's not that she's lazy. She's lost. And so over time, because of all of this discouragement that I've talked about in other videos, the four D's, the D's of doubt, discouragement, delusion, and delay, he's just a little bit lost. And it looks like laziness, but he just doesn't believe in himself truly like he used to.

42:13And yes, he's got such a big heart. And frankly, the truth is his heart's been broken too many times. Broken because he's tried something that didn't work out. Broken because a friend let him down. Broken because a relationship didn't work out. Broken because one of his dreams didn't come true. And so how do we help this man that's going through this? How do we help this woman, this brother or sister of ours that's going through this? What are the things we can do? Because they're not going to tell you about it. And the longer he goes in silence and doesn't express these feelings, the deeper it will get and the scarier it can get.

42:48And I can just tell you all so much as a man that, yeah, this alpha stuff is awesome. And I do believe in those things very deeply. All you have to do is watch my content. But I also know there's another side of things where vulnerability is almost shamed in men. It's shamed in everybody in our culture. It's weakness. You're not focused. You're not on your game. You're not doing your cold plunge. You're not in your morning routine. I got all that. And then there's times in life where you've done all those things and it hasn't paid off. And then you did it again and it didn't pay off. And then a friend let you down and it didn't pay off.

43:22And then a relationship didn't work out or a business didn't happen. And you find yourself in life just where you never expected to be by this time. You thought by this time, had you worked that hard, things would have been better. You just always thought it would be better. And you've tried and tried and tried. And there's a lot of despair in men in our culture, in people in our culture. And I fear that that despair is growing. And I fear that that despair is moving into depression. And as that depression potentially deepens, that terrible things can happen. That A, someone may hurt themselves or hurt someone else by acting out of that pain.

44:04Hurt people hurt people. and I worry about so much hurt in the world. When I see people on social media doing harm to one another, I know what it is. They're hurting themselves. Internally, they're hurting themselves and so they want to lash out and make a comment or lash out and do something to somebody and somehow I can just make them feel some of the pain, some of the lack, some of the scarcity, some of the insecurity I feel about myself. I might feel a little bit better about me. it's not who they really are. Most humans are good. Most humans are precious. Most humans are just acting out of something to feel some sort of sense of self, to feel some sort of importance.

44:52And if they can't achieve something, if they can't contribute something, if they've been let down repeatedly, then maybe if I just tear some stuff down, I'll feel better. If I can't get significance through my achievements, I'll get significance through doing harm. You see some of these precious children that end up doing harm in these schools, and oftentimes I really believe it's their way of just finally feeling significant, feeling important. Oh, you don't notice me? Well, you'll notice me now. And so how do we help this man I'm describing? And so many men that are listening to this right now, I guarantee you are very connected to what I'm saying.

45:29So many of the ladies listening to this can see it in their man or see it in themselves or see it in their girlfriend, see it in their sister. So how do we help them? It's just not good enough that you let them know that you love them. I'm going to tell you what I believe part of the formula is. You can't just love them. You've got to let them know that you believe in them. There's a huge difference between loving somebody and believing in them. And you've got to tell them that you believe in them over and over and over again because they know you love them. It's not that you don't love them. It's that they don't believe in themselves enough.

46:02You can't pour from an empty cup. And here's the good news. Truth vibrates at the highest frequency. So if you truly do believe in this man, tell him over and over, sit him down and say, not only do I love you, I know I tell you I love you all the time, but I need to tell you I believe in you. I believe in you. And as a friend, as a brother, if you're listening to this, If you don't have someone, I believe in you, brother. I believe in you, sister. I believe you were born to do something great. I believe it's not too late. And I also believe this person still wants to be challenged. So if you have this person in your life, let them know you believe in them, not just love them.

46:42Poor belief. You can't transfer to me that which you really aren't experiencing. So you've got to pour it into them. But when you tell someone the truth about themselves, that you believe in them, It vibrates at a high frequency and you supercharge them. It's more powerful than you know. And it might take more than once. It might take five times, 10 times, 20 times. But every human is worth pouring into. If you have a child that's going the wrong way, love on him, love on him. But you've got to let him know, I believe in you. What happens when people make mistakes is they believe, they think you don't believe in them anymore.

47:16If you've got a child who's gone sideways or a friend who's gone sideways or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or wife who's just they haven't won yet. They know you love them, but they don't think you believe in them anymore. And that's what's killing them. Nobody believes in me. I don't believe in me. And so the belief aspect is totally different than love. And I think as a parent, oftentimes, I love you, but you've shamed the mistake. You've shamed them so many times. You've punished them so many times. Listen, discipline is important. In the Bible, Jesus rebuked the apostles when they would make a mistake.

47:53That's what it means to disciple. It's okay to discipline, but discipline and shaming, discipline and disappointment is different. The worst thing to hear, you know, this when you were a kid was not when your parents were mad at you. It's when they were disappointed in you, right? If someone thinks you're disappointed in them, they're not going to get up. So if you have a child who thinks you're disappointed in them, they're toast. If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend who thinks you're disappointed in them, they can't get up if they're already down. Your love doesn't get them up. Your belief does.

48:26And if you love me and you're disappointed in me, I'm staying down. So I want you to believe in them, number one. Number two, I want you to get them to accept a challenge from you. I believe in you. I believe in you. And I want to challenge you to do X, Y, Z. You got to challenge them to do something. Let me tell you something. All people want to be challenged as long as they feel your belief. And what maybe this person's suffering from right now is the lack of a new challenge, right? Because you got a first poor belief that step one, I believe in you, and it may take multiple times. And once you've dosed them with enough of that, then you challenge them.

49:00Honey, I want to challenge you to do this. Honey, I want to challenge you to do that. Son, I want to challenge you to do this. Brother, friend, I want to challenge you to do this. Get them to accept a challenge, right? And then hold them accountable in that challenge. And what he needs is he needs to begin to get some small wins to create momentum in the other direction. What's happening is he's going downhill and he's stacking these dark thoughts and he just wants to go to sleep. And then when he sleeps, he's still tired when he wakes up. His favorite time of day is when he goes to sleep. His favorite time of day needs to be when he wakes up, that he wakes up with someone who believes in him.

49:37He wakes up with a challenge to go get something. He wants to chase. He wants to hunt. He wants to win. He's designed to hunt, to be challenged, to achieve, to win. But he only does that on the wins of belief. And what he needs is just some small wins. Small wins are how you get it going. Small wins. Hey, get up at a particular time, a particular routine, a particular amount of contacts, a particular amount of reps in the gym, a particular amount of hydration, a particular amount of contacts in a given day. Small wins. Small wins beget big wins. The reason we spiral the other way is we get momentum going downhill.

50:19And it's very easy to get downhill momentum in our lives. And then we just feel like we can't stop tumbling. I can't stop. No one will help me. This person let me down. I don't believe in myself anymore. She doesn't believe in me anymore. And it's this dark path. So we've got to reverse it. And the way we stop the downward path is belief, not just love, belief. And then we reverse it as we challenge them to take a step up the mountain again. And when they get one step and they get another, they get small, tiny little steps. They begin to build momentum in the other direction. And so that's a big step.

50:58And then maybe he needs to try to connect again with his faith on a deeper level. Challenge him to connect if he has faith, to connect in his scriptures at a deeper level, to connect that way so that he's got this belief. He's got this challenge. Now he's got some small wins. He's connecting to his faith, which is the true belief of all belief, right? If he's got faith in his life, maybe that challenge, if he doesn't have any, is to challenge him to explore that part of his life. The great comfort in life is to know that you are never alone. The Bible tells us he will never leave you nor forsake you, that you are never alone.

51:37maybe he's got to connect a little bit deeper with whatever his faith is whatever that practice is whatever the one is that means the most to him if he can reconnect with that it can create truth to him that vibrates at a high frequency the ultimate truth is what we believe about whatever our faith is and when we reconnect with that faith we are now vibrating at the highest possible frequency again it's the greatest form of belief belief from a loved one is huge but belief in where we're going and what we were made for is a whole other level and then you know what he needs permission to start over and if you're listening to this my brother or my sister I'm giving you permission right now to start over I can tell you right now it's not too late there's a way out there's always a way out there's always a way out it's never too late you can turn this around no matter what you've done it's okay you can fix this you can Turn it around.

52:30I promise you. And maybe the next part of it is he needs to give up his addiction to being a part of the crowd. Too many of you men that are listening to this, you want to be a part of the crowd. You want to be one of the guys. You want to be just like everybody else. Here's the truth. You weren't born to be like everybody else. You weren't born to be one of the guys. You're not supposed to be like everybody else. You're supposed to be an individual. When a man is in a group of guys all the time, he loses his individuality. He loses his ability to express his uniqueness and his greatness in the crowd.

53:04That's why even in every single team sport, they play individual positions. So it's great to have a group around you, of course, that supports you, that are your boys or your girls or your tribe. But don't hide in the tribe. Don't hide in the crowd. Don't hide in the pack. Still be an individual. Let me be very clear. one of the most important things that you can build around you is a tribe of people who support you, who believe in you, right, who challenge you, who love you. But oftentimes people take those to an extreme and they begin to hide in the pack, hide in the crowd, hide in the tribe, hide as one of the boys, hide as one of the girls.

53:43And you lose your individuality when you do that. And over time, if you just stay in the tribe, if you just stay in the pack, that is one of the keys that begins the downward spiral in life. Play your individual position. Play your individual game. Supported by the team around you. Supported by the tribe. You've got to feel good when someone else scores that touchdown that you threw the block, right? That you threw the block. That if it's baseball, that you do your part. Whatever it is in life, that if you're in a company, that you want the company to win, but don't hide in the company. Do your part.

54:16Be great at what you do. So give up your addiction to being a part of the crowd. one of the guys, just like everybody else, and begin to express this new version of yourself and become addicted to your expansion. I want you to get addicted again to expanding. The good thing about being in a small place, if it's not good, is it's very easy to expand from there. At the highest levels, expansion is more difficult. So one of the advantages of being down on our luck or not playing well in our life is we can expand more easily, become addicted. I always say I'm addicted to the expansion of my being.

54:49And so become addicted to that, not being a part of the crowd. Maybe you need to begin to tell yourself again a new story about who you're becoming, and stop telling the story about who you were, or what's happened to you, or what the past is. These stories we tell ourselves are very powerful. We keep telling a story about this guy let me down. I tried this. I used to be that. And what you're doing when you're telling the story is you're actually comparing where you are now to that former story, and it doesn't feel good, and it reinforces how bad things are now. Stop making the excuses. Stop telling the story.

55:21Enough of all that. Enough of all of it. Tell a new story. There's power in just telling a new story. Yeah, that's what happened, but here's where I'm going. This is what I'm focused on. This is my challenge. These are the small wins I'm getting. See, if you're honest about where you are, there's, man, express it to somebody. Tell them, I'm hurting. I'm down. I need some help. Express it, right? It's okay to do that. It's not weakness. It's strength. Weakness is pretending to be living a way that you're not. If you're hurting, express it. Tell them. They love you. They believe in you. And then create a new story.

55:57You cannot create a new story if you're not totally honest about the one you're in now. But once you're honest, I'm hurting. I'm down. I don't feel good about myself. Right? Now, from that place of honesty and vulnerability and authenticity, you can build a new powerful story and create a new want, anytime you want. Do you know that anytime you want, you can literally write a new chapter of the book of your life? You and God are the author. At any time, you can just decide, I'm grabbing the pen and I'm going to write a new chapter. And so these other chapters are part of my story. And those tests I had are going to be my testimony.

56:34These previous chapters are going to make the end of this book so incredible. Talk about a plot twist. When I was one of my most downtown times in my life, I kept saying to myself, plot twist, plot twist. And that meant I was writing a new chapter. Yeah, I lost here. Yeah, I lost there. Yeah, I made that mistake. Yeah, I was down there. Yeah, I'd lost my confidence there. Plot twist, bam, new chapter, new author. And I started to write that new story. And that first chapter doesn't have to be conquering Mount Everest. The first chapter needs to be a small win. When people look back on the turnaround of their life, it's usually a small thing, just a small one, and then another one, and then another one.

57:15And all of a sudden, you've got momentum going back up the mountain again. I just want to say to you, my brother or my sister, You're good. And your past does not disqualify you. It's not too late. There is a way out. You can turn this around. I promise you. Partner with God if you have faith in your life. Partner with a friend if you don't have that at least. Start to create the right momentum. You can start right this second when this video ends by taking one step towards whatever that new life is. It could be as simple as writing down a new set of goals. It could be as simple as stopping after this video and sending a loved one a text.

57:54It could be getting with someone right now and saying, I need your help. It could be just going to the gym and hitting the weights for the first time. It could be hitting your workout hard. It could be just when this is over, opening up your scriptures again. I mean right when this is over. Your past does not disqualify you and it does not equal your future. Remembering that you were born to do something great. And also just remember this, my precious friend. Remember this. Most of the great people that you admire in your life went through the time you are. They went through their version of the wilderness, myself included.

58:25many different times. There's a wilderness in most people's lives. There's four seasons in everyone's life. There's winter, spring, fall, and summer. And all of us have winter. All of us do. All of us have that time of year where all of a sudden we leave winter and spring begins with some hope again. I want this video to be the beginning of the transition from your winter to your spring. And before you know it, if you can get this momentum going and take some of these steps that I've required here, It'll be summer again, and it's going to be awesome. And then there'll be a time of change again in the fall.

59:02And at some point, probably winter will return again. But the key thing in life is that winters become shorter and short and shorter, and that the springs and summers become longer and longer and longer. This is just a season, my friend. This too will pass. You were born to do something great with your life. If you have this man in your life or this woman in your life Please tell them that you love them But more importantly get with them and allow them to express themselves to you allow them to get it out And if you have any of these feelings everybody get some help go see somebody the world needs you It's not too late before we start the interview with my next guest Just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on youtube or follow the show on apple or spotify We have all the links in our show notes.

59:47You'll never miss an episode that way now on with the show All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So the man sitting next to me here today is one of the really best people in all of the personal development thought leader space. I love him. He's brilliant. He works very hard at his craft. But he has a kindness off camera that will be reflected on camera today when you listen to him. I just want you to know the person you're going to listen to today is the same person on camera that he is off camera. And I'm a big believer in him. I believe he's one of the future people of this industry that are going to dominate it.

1:00:20he already is he's got a new book out right now called love life that i read cover to cover in a day and a half and i loved it and i cannot wait to share this man's wisdom with you here today so matthew hussey welcome back to the show brother yeah i don't know how to i don't know how to respond to that intro i i appreciate it so much ed i love spending time with you and some of my favorite moments are where we get to hang me too brother i i love you and i just wish we had more of those moments. So here we go. It's interesting. I'm proud of your evolution. I'm watching you evolve. And by the way, you didn't need to, but just like most people that are growers, you've evolved.

1:00:57And so I always used to think this is the guy that's known on the planet earth is probably the preeminent dating expert there is. But now you've evolved to where you're really not just a relationship because this book is really about relationships more than it is anything else. But what struck me about you, I said this off camera in the beginning of the book, you kind of admit in the beginning of the book that even though you were like this dating expert you were probably not a very good guy to date and so why don't we start right there i just think that's an awesome place to start so they they see some of your vulnerability too i think this book is about relational intelligence that's the phrase i keep using because it can be applied to all relationships and we're all in relationships i actually think we're all in we're all in three different relationships for life we're in relationships with other people romantic or otherwise you know if you have a terrible relationship with a parent or a brother or you know a best friend or someone at work that can ruin your life so you know we're all in relation with other people we're also in a relationship with life and that relationship and how good your relationship is with that is going to determine how happy you are and you're in a relationship with yourself so those are three relationships you can't get out of yeah no matter what and how we manage those relationships is going to be the quality of our life i i suppose i started the book from a place of wanting to take myself off of any kind of pedestal that anyone could have put me on along the way mission accomplished you did no you did well it you know for 15 years i've been working with people and and you know for so much of that in their love lives although you know i have a retreat every year that is much broader than people's love lives but i became known for that and i really it was it was a difficult actually reading comments along the way about what an amazing person i would be to date and you know he must be the perfect person to date because he knows all this stuff and it was a very it used to make me more insecure because i think these people don't know they don't know that you know i have i'm making mistakes i am hurting people i am hurting myself i have not figured all of this out i'm you know there were pieces of it that i felt very confident talking about but i also was figuring my own stuff out you know one of the big themes of this book is are we chasing the right things in love and in life and if you chase the wrong things i remember my now wife i started writing this book from a really really tough place i was heartbroken and i by the time i was doing the final edit of this book i was doing it on my honeymoon so it was really crazy by the way it was a nice long honeymoon you had too but go ahead oh my god it was the best really really good but it but you You know, I realized that I was chasing a lot of the wrong things for a long time.

1:03:57And that was continuously leading me to pain. And there were blind spots I had about things that I hadn't worked on in myself, things I hadn't healed in myself that, you know, were showing up as pain, but not awareness. I didn't know what was going on. And I just knew something's off with me in the way that I'm going after things or the way that I'm falling in love or the way that I'm dating that's leading me to pain. And so what became really, really interesting to me, not just for other people, but for myself, was what are the deeper patterns that are happening with me that keep leading me into either pain for myself, pain for other people, or frankly, some form of kind of chaos in my life that i then have to put back together yeah what did you uncover about you so you because this the most fascinating topic of the three relationships to me is the relationship with yourself to me the three that you listed because i uh i'm constantly evaluating that with myself even at 52 years old what did you what did you figure out about yourself that was going on in the relationship with you i there's a there's a chapter in the book called never satisfied and i really love this chapter because i think it speaks to so many of us there was always a there's a line in hamilton where you know he's speaking to one of the shyla sisters and you know he says you're like me you're never satisfied and she says is that right and he says i've never been satisfied and i remember what kind of identifying with that and thinking well something's always i'm never really at peace i'm always chasing i'm chasing after something that is exciting and causes me chaos or stress or hurt you know or breaks my heart or i'm or i'm with someone who doesn't excite me or with someone who doesn't make me feel the things that i want to feel that clearly adores me and if i could just make myself feel more i would be so happy but i can't seem to make myself feel more in this situation and i would observe patterns like that in my life and i think that's a very common one that so many people fall into and they go what is going on i can't ever seem to find the sweet spot yes and and so that was a key pattern i think I dated like an addict.

1:06:30I think I was a kind of like chasing highs and the excitement of dating and the excitement of, you know, of romance or intimacy or, and, and, you know, even after you realize it's not working, you still have, you can realize something's not good for you or good for other people, but you don't necessarily have the tools to change the behavior. You're right. Right. So it took me time to understand, oh, there's a kind of, you know, I have to find a way to rewire my brain to want different things. You're on you're on to something I'm obsessed with right now, which is that our space, whatever we want to call it, we have different, you know, seats in the space of personal development or self-help or thought leader influence, whatever you want to call it.

1:07:17Right. You're obviously one of the biggest ones. And but one of them is we're always growing and changing and evolving. But I wonder, like, where's the space where, like, what you have is enough and okay? Do you know what I mean? Like, I find myself, like, it's almost like I'm violating a rule if I just really enjoy what I have and I don't want more. I don't want the next thing. So there's, like, this chase for the next level, the chase for how many books you can sell, how many followers you can get, the chase for how much money you can have, the chase for the next house. In your case, the chase for the next date, the excitement of the new.

1:07:50And can I be equally happy and excited with the familiar? because we're constantly taught in this space to kind of move away from where we are theoretically does that make sense what i'm asking of course and and by the way if you apply a classically kind of optimization mindset to dating you never choose anyone true because you constantly you're looking for what's wrong and how could i optimize to get you know well this person has 90 of what i want but they're still missing this one thing and maybe i could get someone who's 92 of what i want and so on and you can go through life like that and i i and then by the way when you're that person and you label it like well it's a kind of type a thing i'm i never want to settle i'm not going to settle for something that's not amazing but the relationships require you at some point not to settle for something but to settle on something and there's a big difference between those two things because when you when you settle for something it's like telling yourself i got short-changed somehow and no one wants to be short-changed no one wants to get the worst end of the bargain but if you settle on something it's a resolution that i'm going to make this as incredible as it can possibly be and that's the thing that's going to make it special but i see i so for me it was a huge mindset shift and and i think that never making that mindset shift makes a lot of people incredibly unhappy because nobody's perfect i'm not perfect i you know if audrey my wife was looking for for perfect she would have been really disappointed from day one so it's but you're what you're speaking about there is something i am endlessly i think about all the time because and i even wrote a chapter of the book called happy enough and the reason i wrote that is because and by the way me six years ago seven years ago maybe even five years ago i would have hated that as a chapter name right i would have been like that is such a yes there's such a cop-out right such a like settling by another name yes happy enough has become like my favorite phrase in the world i love that because it's from happy enough is not a bad place to be happy enough is saying i'm happy enough with where i am that i really feel like i can go and take big risks I can go and take big swings in any part of my life because my life already is enough so if this doesn't pan out great this doesn't happen what I already have is enough for me and and it's you know we're so focused especially in the self-development world there's a lot of focus on like can't stay here it's too bad I'm gonna win because I have to and because and and actually there's a real power in saying if nothing changed i'd still be okay i love that and therefore i can go and take a big swing because i already have enough and the opposite to that by the way are the people that i see that are the least happy in the world and that's not the happy enough crowd that's the never enough crowd you're right and the never enough crowd that's a that's a dangerous place to be and i see it you and i see it all the time because we you know it's natural when you're in circles of ambitious people and people who are trying to make things happen in their life it's hard to step out of the gear of making things happen all the time and say well at what point do i find contentment where i am it's a very difficult what we're doing right now what we're doing right now is one of the most important conversations that needs to take place on a bigger and broader scale the next five to eight years in our world and our culture i all the time uh i'm obsessed with it you and i have our our friends that we're all going for you've got a new book out and we want this book to do well but it's totally different that when i get there i'll be happier then instead of saying i'm okay if it doesn't things are great right now there's this great clip that i've watched about 3 000 times of jim carrey on instagram i don't think you've seen this clip but he says he's in an interview i'm paraphrasing i'll probably mess it up but it was it's how it affected me he says i'm going to say something you probably never heard an actor say in your life and the guy goes what he goes I've had enough I've made enough movies I've got enough awards I've got enough attention I've got enough money I have enough and it's okay and he goes you know what I want to paint now I want to spend some time and he goes these other things and I just even when he said it I breathed like like he almost gave me permission to feel that way and at the same time maybe he will eventually go make another movie but not because he thinks he has to for the next chase you know it'll be coming from the right place of intention and and and i'm sure that that spoke to you as it does to me because it speaks to some kind of truth in us that wants to get out and wants to be acknowledged and and it's and it's we do breathe this sigh of relief when someone comes along and says that yeah and and look it's let me tell you something i when i was writing this book i i had very very different phases writing this book there was the panic phase of oh i'm behind i'm behind i'm in trouble i'm not going to make deadline and then when i realized i was behind i went back to i went to england for a month and i was living at my mom's house with audrey my wife and this was before we were married actually and i was there for a month and every morning i'd wake up and if you're doing a lot of business with america the uk time zone is quite nice because you get like five to eight hours before anyone is even awake and bothers you so in those hours i just sat and i i wrote without anyone distracting me i i put my phone away i literally put my phone in a drawer i didn't touch chip from the moment i woke up till about 1 p.m in the afternoon and i would just sit in this room and write and grab a coffee and go back and write some more and and i started to find myself over the course of this month become happier and happier and happier and i felt so calm and i really it was like almost it became an emotional thing for me i was like oh my god i feel like i've been released from some kind of tension and treadmill and writing itself for me at least and everyone has some activity like this when i lose myself in it it becomes a kind of meditation and then at the end of an hour or two or three i get this kind of euphoria and this calm of feeling connected again and feeling like i've somehow lost myself in the richness of life and what's what really matters and in that moment I can tell you Ed I don't care what I'm achieving I don't care what is happening in my business I don't care all I cared about was I feel like I just did something really meaningful for the last two hours now let me tell you about where I am right now the book got written everyone's really happy with it I'm really excited about it I'm extremely proud of it the publishers are happy and then of course as you know as well as anyone everyone says right time to get out there now you're on the deal yeah and it has sort of screwed up my calm and it has put me back you know i'm now having to negotiate this tension between and i'm an introvert too so for me my phone blowing up with messages all the time and connecting with people and talking to people about doing their podcasts and this, that, and the other, it's not my natural state.

1:15:36You know, some people are like that. They're just like, you know, they, that's not my natural state where I'm happy. And, but I'm in it and, and it feels like a much more anxious and frenetic state and pace. And it's all about numbers and how many books you sell and, you know, wanting to hit the New York times list and all of the stuff that we all get told during that phase that is important to do and and i found myself in a moment just like suddenly this i kept telling myself when this book gets written it's going to be such a joyful thing because i'm so proud of it it's going to be so joyful to go out and talk about this thing because i'm truly truly it's one of the pieces of work i'm most proud of in my life and i know it's going to help people and i lost touch for a moment in the last few weeks because i good i started to feel like i'm you know god i'm in this anxious kind of like now i'm wanting it to do well and all of a sudden i'm in that phase of it and someone said to me matt someone who's been with me through the whole process said to me you've worked so hard on this and you've put so much of your energy and your soul and your heart into it this is a victory lap you should be enjoying this part this is a victory lap you're going to get to go and talk about this thing that you really care about and i'm saying this i guess you're the you're the first podcast i'm recording of like a bunch of different things i'm going to be doing and tv and press and all of that and i i guess maybe i'm voicing it out loud because i want to set the intention i do i want you to just want to enjoy this and i don't want to lose so much of the message of this book is about being connected and it's really easy you know we we we shield ourselves and this is the reality life doesn't allow you the perfect setup for you to feel calm and happy.

1:17:27It doesn't say to you, we're going to give you the perfect time zone and you're going to have to, you're going to get to not check your messages until 1 p.m. and you're going to, you know, life comes along and says, how robust are you? Can, can these things, but meet with real life and all of the things that happen in a life and all of the disappointments and the headaches and the challenges and can you still maintain at least some of that stuff that you really enjoy and and I'm you know that's something I'm practicing in real time right please remember that because it's interesting you ever meet someone who's had like a near-death experience or they've survived cancer or something they live their life like it's a victory lap I want a victory lap and so one of the things I've reminded myself I was telling my kids that's not that long ago I didn't use that term but I'll use your term life's a victory lap we're just running up the score you know I mean like and if you can approach your life that way you know when I because I do the show so you know half the guests at least have a book usually by the way when you're listening to it now probably it'll be pre-order so you can go pre-order Matthew's book right now by the way let me help him sell some books right now the link for that is lovelifebook.com there you go get that in there lovelifebook.com and um but i have to tell you like i i sometimes feel sympathy for a lot of my guests because they're in that treadmill when they're sitting in that seat you know they're in that i gotta make the times i gotta sell this i gotta do that i'm like you know and i know it because i did it Right.

1:18:52And I've avowed I'm in the middle of writing my next book and I'm like, I am not doing that next time. How will you prevent yourself from doing that next time? I'm curious. I actually think the next time. Well, I teach this with my athletes, people that I coach. I have goals, but then I separate from outcome. Wayne Dyer taught me that. So once you've executed the work right now, just you have a goal to make a list. There's nothing wrong with that. But then emotionally separate from the outcome of it. It's the same thing even like on a first date, I think. I think it's appropriate to be excited about the first date and have a goal.

1:19:21I would love this to work out. But then separate from the outcome. Just let it be, right? And so for me, it'll just be reminding myself to separate from the outcome. And also, it sounds morbid, but this isn't going to matter on my deathbed one way or the other. And so it gives you perspective. Keep forcing perspective on yourself and your life. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow The Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. All right. Hey, welcome back, everybody, to the show.

1:19:52Today's an honor. I guess she's an icon. I think I would say she's an icon. I'm going to say that out loud. At 40? She's an icon. She's iconic for sure. And she's just a really special being. She's an immensely gifted artist, and you all know who she is once I say her name. But I've just watched her. When I used to watch her when she was young, I thought she was this really young soul. and as I've watched her become a woman, I think she's stepped into a space where she's actually like a very old soul. No, thank you. Very wise. She's gone through a lot. She's grown a lot and she's just got a new album out, by the way, that I absolutely love.

1:20:28I cried listening to a song on there called How Much a Heart Can Hold with my wife and her new album is called God's Work and I'm really honored that she's here today to share some time with all of you that I love so much. So Leanne Rimes, thank you for being here. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I have uncovered something maybe the last year or two about me I'm good at loving people man I love people I think one of the reasons I'm pretty good in front of a group or the show or with friends is I love people and I think they feel it and I think people feel it from you too I am still not good at getting love from other people I understand that and I have people that really love me but it's almost like I'm I don't know how to explain like I really almost never sit there and go I'm loved like I can't believe I'm saying this on the show right now I can't because I have fans and friends and children and family and spouse and but I I just don't allow it in it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it actually I can appreciate that they love me and not feel it if that makes any sense and I would like to figure that out I think that's the thing if you figure that out let me know I'm working on it too like I really have to focus on people will give me a compliment and I I will sit there and really work to take it in because it's so challenging it's like it doesn't penetrate that's it yeah doesn't penetrate yeah and it's and I'm with you I have people around me who love me so very much.

1:22:06And it's so interesting because I felt, I think with me when I'm talking with you, when I'm on stage with people, I want people to feel less alone. Because I know that's been one of my core pieces is like I've felt so lonely in this world. And I want people to feel less alone. And so that's why I share so openly. Like, you know, we're so, so similar in so many ways. And, you know, if someone in our position can share about these things, it really does. Like it gives people hope and it makes them feel less lonely. And so I think that's for me, the loving piece is like it's almost like I think my nurturance comes out in that way with other people.

1:22:49And I'm I'm starting to learn how to do it for myself. And then the next part is letting the love of others. And because I know it's there. It's so obvious. It's the it's the thing. And it's the thing. And for me, it's like even talking about it with you and several other people that are listening helps me because it's like it becomes more apparent to me that I am. It becomes more apparent to me that I should. It's almost like I've just spent too much of my life. I think everybody might relate to this. Just I'll get around to that. Like, let me figure all these other things out. And then I'm sure there'll be this time I'll just sit on a beach somewhere and it's just going to happen.

1:23:24Yeah. But that's not really how it, the reason therapy works so well is like, I think you're hearing yourself talk more than anything oftentimes. Totally. That's why writing is so great too. It's like you're really working it out for yourself. What would you say to someone who says, I kind of share this with you. I'll make you work at this right now. Someone says, I would like to feel a little bit more loved myself. So don't advise you because you probably wouldn't do it for you. What would you say to them? I'm seeing you, you're looking up, which means you're really thinking. Yes, I am really thinking.

1:23:50So what would your answer be? That they want to feel more loved. Yeah, to allow that to happen. Well, I always go back to how deeply are you loving yourself? Because I think ultimately it's this belief that we're not worthy of it. So the more we can actually love from the inside out, the more we'll believe that we're worthy of the outside in. Yeah. Um, and so I think that's the new, that then that's, like I said, that's my, my next piece or what I'm, what I'm toying with and playing with in my life right now is that I'm, I'm being kinder to myself. I'm loving myself more. I'm loving my own choices more.

1:24:36Like they don't have to be dictated by the outside world. Um, like I loved creating this record and I get so much out of it because it's the connection I have with not only people, but myself, like I'm doing things that I love. So I think it's when we can come from that place, then we start to believe maybe eventually. You know, you're right. That we're worthy of it from the outside. You know, you're right. The reason that I struggle with it, and we'll have a few more minutes, you guys. Like this one just flew by. But I like don't do this to other people. I do it to me. I really stack my mistakes against myself.

1:25:13I mean, even like stuff people don't know that's a mistake. Do you ruminate on your mistakes? Yeah. Yeah, those are fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, but I actually think having friends who share this with you makes it easier. It does. Because I'm like, okay, I'm not completely alone on this. You said about feeling alone. Like, I'm not alone in this. And I, like, I just stack my mistakes. Like, hey, man, like, I don't do that with my other friends. But, like, with me, it's like, you did this, you did this, you didn't do that very well. Right. And then the stuff that I do very well is like, well, of course you do.

1:25:41You're good at that. I don't know. Does anyone relate to what I'm saying right now? I'm like, well, of course you're already good at that. That doesn't count. Exactly. It doesn't count. Yeah, it doesn't count. Exactly. I could go on stage and do an amazing show. It doesn't count. You're already good at that. Yeah, that's what I do. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. It's really a form of crazy. But if I beat my husband at tennis, then that one really counts. Isn't that so weird? You know what? You all have to accept at some point, being human is just interesting. It is. I say that all the time. I'm like, this is such an interesting thing.

1:26:15It is. But you have to laugh about it at some point. Yes. You know, like all of the crazy habits we get ourselves into and the beliefs. And at some point, there has to be some humor in it. There has to be humor. And what we said earlier is it's not like a one moment. We're chipping away at ourselves. We're improving. We're evolving. We're growing. And I think you have to give yourself credit. I do these things I've described much less than I used to. Exactly. Much less. I just think I had this notion that at some point there was going to be this aha. I'm like, oh, I'm never going to be down again.

1:26:47I think I felt that way too. And I think that's kind of the, that's what we're fed, right? Yes. In this world, it's kind of like the, you know, what, the lie, the big lie. That is the big lie. Yeah. The other big lie, by the way, is that you're further from it. So I say this in my book. The Bible says where there's no vision, the people will perish. Well, you got to dig a little deeper on that. People have vision. Like if I said, do you want to be happy or sad? What's your vision for you? Like, I want to be happy. Would you like to have some money or be poor? I'd probably like to have some money.

1:27:16Do you want to contribute and make a difference or not? So you have a vision. The lie is that you're super far away from it. That you think it's 25 years away. And so because that's the lie you believed, you behave and have a pattern. You don't, but most people do. They have a pattern. Well, you do in one thing with being happy or not being depressed. But you keep it so far away. And so you create these patterns in your life to perpetually keep your dreams and your vision that far away from you. And perhaps this is a breakthrough for me that I don't do it with like achievements. I just do it with emotions.

1:27:45I think I do with emotions I think I'm just hearing myself say this right now but like I haven't done it with money or success or a show or I've done it with like the emotion of bliss I'm like it's just far away and so I keep it there and you know what I've been doing recently and we always hear about gratitude lists and we always I'm thinking I always think for myself like that's the simplest dumbest thing to do and I did it a long time ago and I remember it really helping and so I started it about a week ago and now I go through my whole day and I'm starting to notice like, I'm really, I'm really grateful for our conversation.

1:28:21I'm really, you know what? I'm really grateful for this ice water. Like I'll start to, it'll start to add up and it's really helping me. So, so simple. Good for me though. But you're saying that, that those, you know, the bliss that you're keeping so far away from you, it's like, Oh no, there's little moments of joy all the time, even amidst the, you know, the anxiety and everything that I have going on. and that's what I loved I really I was never going to get out of this this morning at all I was going to come in here because I was like you know what I'm going to enjoy this conversation and I'm going to walk out there feeling different it's like going to the gym sometimes it's like once I get there it's like oh this feels really good yeah so you know I think for me it's it's um but you helped several million people today and let me tell you something listen to me on this you're not good at this.

1:29:07You are this. You should be doing more of this. Just trust me. I do it. I know when I see it. Like, I know. Really, I'm really kind of decent at it too. And I know when I see somebody that is. This will be the most shared show I've ever done because we've hit on topics that really matter to people and to people that maybe, in your case anyway, people really look up to are going to be like, wow, that was the most vulnerable conversation between two people I've probably ever damn heard, and they don't have every answer, but success leaves clues. There was a bunch of clues in there, and one or two of these works for me.

1:29:43And keep asking questions. Curiosity is so important. Curiosity is so important, and I remember I used to be such a curious child, and once again, that innocence piece, it's like our curiosity. That's imagination. It goes, yes, it just kind of like drifts, and we have to come back to that. Like you start asking questions. I think we're onto it. I'm telling you guys, You've got to start to just give yourself the gift of imagining and dreaming and curiosity. And when a history and memory keeps popping, listen, there's going to be a story for your life. If you keep telling the same story over and over again, you're going to keep repeating the same chapters.

1:30:16If you just start to imagine or curious about the next chapters, you try some different things. You walk on stage at an event. You go, I'm terrified, but I'm going to do this. I'm going to try this new hobby. I'm going to start the, you know, I'm going to get good at CrossFit. I'm going to do whatever it is. I'm going to start writing. I'm going to journal. You're going to find gifts within you that were always there. You don't have to chase them. They're there, but they'll be revealed to you when you go into these spaces that Leanne's described today. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far.

1:30:48Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Now on to our next guest. Welcome back to the show, everybody. Today's such an honor for me because I've got this gentleman to my left back for the second time. It was one of the, maybe the most downloaded show of all time. And I think one of the reasons is this man is, his whole life is on fire right now. He's so electric. He's reaching so many people because his message, and more important, I just think his energy, the way he connects with people, just really resonates. And it's perfect for these times. And he's an icon.

1:31:23He's become an icon in the personal development space and healing and helping people. and he's got this new book out about the most important topic in the world, which is love. And his new book's called Eight Rules of Love, How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go. He's also the host of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, one of the biggest podcasts in the world. And some of the top leaders in every industry in the world look to this man for advice and counsel, and now you get to get it from him today. So Jay Shetty, welcome back. Ed, I just want to say that I'm so grateful to be back with you because I was just saying this to you off screen, but I want everyone want to hear it the amount of your first of all the people you attract in your community are just unbelievable thank you and the amount of people after our last interview that came up to me and said i heard you on ed's podcast or i loved you and ed connecting when you came on the show too i it's it's one of those things where you go when we were texting and messaging before we got to meet each other you felt a connection but then when we sat down it was just like no other it was instant.

1:32:22And so I just, I feel really grateful when you feel like you reconnect with someone that you haven't even connected with in the past. I know. That's so funny you say that. When you left that day, I told my wife, I said, I feel like I've known Jay forever. Yeah, literally. I felt that way too. Do you think, transitioning on that too, is there any element of that that's in love? So I was preparing last night because I want to talk about this with you because it is, I'm at this stage of my life where it's always probably been the most important thing, But for me right now, being with the people that I love and making sure they know how much I love them.

1:32:55And in my case, letting myself feel loved is a really interesting thing. So what is actually love? Is it something we know when we feel it, do you think? Because I know you've studied this so deeply. Yeah, I mean, I want to start off by just saying that. So my wife and I, we have always said that we think we must have been together in a past life. Like we have that since we met, we had that familiarity. we had that comfort and even today we've always had that. But what I've really tried to do in this book and in my work is when you speak to someone who's in love, they'll say, when you know, you know.

1:33:31When you feel it, you feel it. And the problem with things like that is someone's listening or watching right now going, Jay, I don't feel anything. Like I haven't felt it yet. What do I do with that? Do I just keep meeting people? And so what I like to do is take a subject like love and break it down and analyze it into really simple ideas that everyone can understand rather than waiting for some like ethereal internal feeling, which I want you to feel, but it's going to take a few steps. So I define love. And in the book, one of my rules is make sure that you define love before you say it or feel it.

1:34:07Because I think one of the biggest mistakes that happens in relationships is two people say, I love you, but they mean different things. So I say I love you and that means I want to spend my life with you. And you say I love you and that means you want to spend a night with me. And that's where all of our friction begins because you never stop to say, no, no, no, what do you mean by that? So we have to really define love. So I define love as three things. It's when you like someone's personality. It's when you respect their values and when you want to commit to helping them achieve their goals.

1:34:41That is love in action that is love in practice that is love in reality so like their personality what do i mean by that studies show that to make someone a casual friend you have to spend 40 hours with them 40 hours for a casual friendship it goes on to say you need 100 hours to make someone a good friend and if you consider someone a great friend a best friend you would have had to spend 200 hours with them so the question about liking someone's personality is could i like spending 200 hours with this person that's the question i'm asking myself that's the question you should be asking yourself when you're dating someone do i want to spend 200 hours respecting their values i've chosen the words very carefully the challenge in relationships is we want people to value what we value yeah we want our partner to value what we value the way we value it and when they don't value it, we think you don't love me, you don't care about me.

1:35:43But what we have to learn to do is respect their values and for them to respect ours. I'll give you an example. Like for me, one of my deepest values is my purpose and my work. And my wife respects it so much that if I tell her I have a purpose opportunity, she'll never hold me back. She'll never make me feel guilty about it or bad about it because she knows that this is what fuels me. It's fuel. and my wife's fuel is her family being with her mother being with her father being with her sister being with our niece and nephew being with her grandmother who she's with right now in hospital in london actually and again i'm not going to make her feel guilty or bad if she wants to spend time with her family over what i'm doing and so when you have this healthy respect of actually i see that your fuel makes you who i love yes right like what makes you attractive to the other person and don't take that away from them.

1:36:37I think this is really just hit me right now. We often extract what attracts us about someone. Meaning what? We take that away from them. We want them to give up what they value because we want them to focus on what we value. So we take it like the rug from beneath their feet. Let me validate what you're saying. So I've been married 25 years. We've been together 35 years. And when I feel the most unloved or disconnected, because a relationship's a real thing, Are those moments where that isn't present meaning my purpose isn't admired or respected or appreciated and in relationship? You're gonna have moments where those things don't happen But I do know in the moments where I feel like that isn't existing as I feel the least connected So you're trillion percent right about I love hearing that from your perspective and by the way Congratulations what amazing marriage and like phenomenal I aspire to be like you Ed and and I'm learning along the way and it's the same thing for me it's like respecting someone's values means two things.

1:37:38You need to know your values because otherwise how can someone respect them? And you need to know the other person's values. And the third one is, do you want to commit? Are you willing to put the time to help someone achieve their goals? Do you care enough to say, you know what? Whatever you care about, whatever you believe in, I'm gonna be there with you, supporting you, cheering you on, redirecting you sometimes. but I care enough. There's a difference between saying, I want to see you win and I'm going to be there for you, watching you win, helping you win.