Why You Haven't Met Your Full Potential (Yet) | Ed Mylett

24:24And every time and every day that goes by, the thing that you used to love to do gets walked over and forgotten. that's the inner child going mom mom dad so what's missing or potentially is the alignment of your spiritual self and your physical self wanting to come back home and the what's missing part is me telling her sign up for a dance class don't talk about don't think about business and when you go there set a powerful intention that i'm gonna take the little girl inside of me dancing do it just once once a week she does it once a week libido comes back yep the relationship with her husband starts thriving her business she had quit that one got another business she was like oh my god it's like well the universe becomes plastic according to the thoughts that you give the most power and who she was being was living from the inside out and not the outside in.

25:30So that, that right there, if the entire world could remember at least one thing you did as a kid that brought you the most joy. If you don't remember, ask somebody when you were a little kid, what did I naturally graduate? What color, what toy, what this? What did I gravitate towards? And just spend five minutes once a week with it. Watch what happens in 30 days. Okay, I'm going to give you an example of how brilliant you are, okay? So one of my, I was thinking recently about one of my, like, happiest friends. Like, just loves what he does. Like, listen, there's lots of sources of happiness in life.

26:09In fact, you are the source of your happiness. But when you're in the process of doing something that's your giftedness, you tap into it at a deep level. You're in the process of serving other people. And we've done all the studies now. Actually, you get more dopamine in the process than the achievement. When you achieve something, actually, there's a dopamine crash. it's the pursuit it's the process right it's the actual work one of my happiest friends did exactly what you've described and I'll validate your work with this he's actually a lawyer and he's in his 50s and he's just this dude's just a stud he's super happy but here's the story he had been an entrepreneur till he was 30 and made a lot of money and was miserable and he said I just I got to this achievement and I didn't get any happier and he said you know what I started to think about when I was a little guy, like five, 10 years old, what did I really like to do?

26:58And he goes, you know, it's funny. I like to argue. I liked to argue. And he goes, and I was also the dude, if there was a fight on the playground, I'd go protect the small kid because he's a big dude. And he goes, so I started thinking when I was a kid, what brought me the most joy? I love to argue, like kind of debate with people. And even as a young boy, we all have a child like that, right? So some of you have a child like that and I would protect people. He He goes, I think I want to be a lawyer. So this dude at 30 years old went back, went to law school, got his law degree, and now has a law practice, and in his 30s found his giftedness and his go zone by tapping into his heart.

27:32So this isn't all like this esoteric concept stuff. This is real stuff. And by the way, maybe that thing isn't what you're going to do for a living. It's going to be your hobby. For me, I loved to run when I was a kid, and I've had some major injuries to my legs playing baseball. It's a long story, but like, I really can't run like I used to. And so I recently, I ironically got into riding horses and I'm like, what is it that I love so much about being with these horses? It's that I can run again and they can run faster than me. So it brings me to, these are all the pathways that when you listen to my show, you guys, and I put brilliant people in front of you and we get into this thing that you and I are doing right now, open your mind up and go around it.

28:12You know what I mean? Like think about all the places that there's applications of what we're discussing here. Yeah. Because when you do, you'll understand the genius of his work. By the way, Garen has a book I didn't mention. It's called Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life. Lessons of Love, Leadership and Transformation. But out for a while. It's I read it prepping for this. It's outstanding. I feel like there's another book in you, by the way. Oh, no, it's coming. OK, good. Because I really believe that there's another one. It took me five years to write that book because it's called Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life.

28:39every time I kept growing I kept changing and my boy Preston was like Garen if you don't put that book out right now so that was a younger version of me and I've evolved so much since then there's well by the way one thing they should know is you have this incredible book and you like had a learning disability or something in school right so it's like whatever your excuse is I want to put somebody in front of you everybody is probably going to take it away everybody yeah right like you just take away people's excuses but you also feed their dreams you feed their spirit that was a great conversation and if you want to hear the full interview be Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify.

29:13Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Welcome back to Max Out everybody. Super excited because I've pursued this woman to be on the show now for a long time. It's been many months. Our schedules finally got together where we could do it. She's a New York Times number one bestseller. Okay, that's pretty big deal. She's one of the top life coaches on the planet. And she's written a book, and I've told her this off camera, that I read every single word of, cover to back. It's called Everything is Figureoutable. And this is Marie Forleo, everybody. She is awesome.

29:42And you're going to enjoy today so much. Thank you for being here.

29:44Marie Forleo:Thanks for having me, Ed. This is awesome. And I love you. Remember when I texted you, I was like, your phrase, max out, it speaks to my soul. Well, thank you. I kind of do wish, I said this before, but I wish some of the pre-interview conversation was in the interview because it's been so good for me. And I know today is going to be great for me and for millions of other people. So you say something in the book that I talk about all the time that I think is right down this alley of the pursuit of what really matters to you finding happiness in your figureoutableness. And that is this, that I really truly believe every human being was born with some special, unique gifts.

30:20They're different. That's what makes us special. It could be your humility, your humor, your beauty, your articulation, your intellect, your nurturing ability, your engineering ability, your acting ability, your dance ability, your ability to just be peaceful with people, to change people's states. There's so many to teach, right? To learn. There's all these unique gifts. We're all wired with two or three or four that are really special to us. And when I read this in the book, I went, I can't love this book more. And that is, and it makes me emotional because I just think most humans who say, I don't know what I want to figure out.

30:57The pathway to that is your giftedness. And you say in the book, the world needs your gift. So talk about that because you say it so beautifully and the way you do it, I think will open up people's eyes and hearts.

31:07Marie Forleo:Yeah, it's how I end the show. And sometimes people write to me, watch the show, and they say, I love everything you share, but I always wait for this last sentence, which the world needs that special gift that only you have. And I feel like it's yet another gift from my mom, who really, I got that messaging over and over because I was kind of a unique child. When people would ask me when I was young, what do you want to be when you grow up? There was a list of 15 things, always. I never had one good answer. And as I became a young adult and even after college, I still never could answer in one way.

31:39Marie Forleo:I just always felt like a misfit. A misfit who was a valedictorian at Seton Hall. Yes, but struggled. I worked on Wall Street. That was my first job out of school. After like six months, I was like, this sucks. I do not want this life. I can't imagine being here 24-7. So I quit that job. I worked in publishing. I tried so many different things and kept hitting walls because I didn't fit into a traditional box. and it wasn't until becoming an entrepreneur that I could wear a bunch of different hats and flex all of my different skills and gifts that I actually felt like I belonged, if that makes any kind of sense.

32:12Marie Forleo:So this notion that the world needs a special gift that only you have, I feel like, especially with so many things happening in the world right now, statistics show that over 300 million of us worldwide suffer from depression. It's always when you stop doing something that you realize how much it mattered. I'd been taking IM8 for a while. I was feeling great and then life just kind of got busy and we switched houses and then I skipped a bunch of days My energy dropped my focus was gone and it reminded me just how much it had been helping me The entire time I was taking I am eight if you've been looking for something easy to stick with it actually makes you feel better This might be it for me.

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34:27Marie Forleo:If you look in any direction here in the United States, suicide rates are at a 30-year high. Like, a lot of us are in a lot of pain. And I think one of the pieces of that puzzle is people don't feel like they're needed. They don't feel like they have purpose or like they matter or how they're living their lives on a consistent basis. They're not contributing or growing. And any human being that's not contributing or growing is gonna go into some dark places. I certainly have in the past. You know what I mean? If I'm off kilter and I don't feel like I'm making a difference or I'm learning anything new, again, this is so, so typical.

35:03Marie Forleo:So for me, this message about encouraging people to identify what it is that they are here to give and to contribute and to share, I think it is such a pathway to well-being. It is. It's a pathway to fulfillment from a financial perspective. It's a pathway to make yourself not only financially solvent, but if your ambitions align that way, to make yourself financially free in terms of contribution and what you want to give to the world. You know, oftentimes when I have this conversation with people, they'll say, but Marie, everything's been done before. Everything's been said before by people who are more famous, more experienced.

35:39Marie Forleo:Oh my goodness, I see this person came out with X, Y, or Z. I watch Ed's show. That's exactly what I want to do. Or I watch Marie's show or that book. That's exactly what I wanted to say. And then I tell them this story. So when Josh and I, my partner, we've been together for 16 years. When we first got together, I was in my kind of mid-20s, around that 25, 26-year-old mark. And I was bartending and waiting tables. My coaching business was really tiny. I was doing all the side gigs just to keep things going. And he's an actor. And we were living together. And he would often go away to film a movie or a television show.

36:10Marie Forleo:And we're in New York City. and he would come back to our home and our trash can would be filled with empty boxes of Chef Boyardee and Kraft macaroni and cheese and like all of this processed Kraft food because that's just what I was doing, right? That's just, I was like Bart doing all the things. I just didn't have time. He's like, Marie, why don't we start taking some supplements? And, oh, let's start juicing and we should get more vegetables in your diet. And I was so stubborn, Ed. I was such an ass. I was like, whatever, hippie man. Like, it's too expensive. I don't have the time. I don't have the energy.

36:41Marie Forleo:I'm working like four jobs. Just leave me alone. No, no, no past mac and cheese. Fast forward like three years and I met this woman and her name is Chris Carr and she is a cancer thriver. She's written all of these New York Times bestselling books. Her and I became like really fast friends and all she does is tout the benefits of a vegan diet and green juice. So I come home one day and I'm like, Josh, I met the most amazing woman. here's all the supplements we should take. We should get this juicer. I should be juicing. Why haven't we done, we should have been doing this years ago. And Josh was like, are you kidding me?

37:19Marie Forleo:I love it. I've been telling you the same thing. Why couldn't you hear it from me? And this is the point. God sake. Sometimes it takes that one person to share a message or a product or a service or a gift in their unique voice in a particular time, in a particular way for it to land for another human. So people listening right now, if they have been holding themselves back either through perfectionism or through saying it's all been said or done before, no, that is not true. If you haven't put in your piece of the puzzle, it has not been said before. And then I say this, if you have an idea or a gift or a product or service or something that you want to create and you don't do everything possible to put it out there, you are stealing from those who need you most.

38:08Oh boy, that's so good.

38:09Marie Forleo:And I do mean stealing. Because when I think about it, if there's any clothing designer, any restaurateur who makes a dish that you love, when I think about Oprah Winfrey, for example, right? She could have said, you know what? Phil Donahue, he's got this whole talk show thing kind of covered. The world doesn't need another talk show host. And think about all the goodness, at least for me, she's a huge idol of mine. Absolutely, incredible. That the world would have missed out on if she held herself back. You can think about it on a micro scale, like your favorite place that you go for guacamole or for pasta or whatever your thing is.

38:42Marie Forleo:You can look around and they could have said, oh, there's enough Mexican restaurants. There's enough Italian restaurants. Why do I need to add to it? You would have missed out on all that joy. We can go down the line for anything that you find value from. You're so good. I want to jump in on this because it's so flipping true. First off, on your gift, everybody, something to think about. Your gift will come through you giving something to other people. That's why it's a gift. You're going to give it to somebody. So if you're struggling with what that gift is, think about what you could give to people.

39:08That's number one. Number two, oftentimes our giftedness that we don't maybe know we have is hidden in the people we admire most. So if you begin to look at who you admire, like one of my heroes growing up was Martin Luther King. What do I have in common with Martin Luther King? I'm not African-American. I'm not a minister. His oratory skills are superior to anybody I've ever seen before. But what I loved is he could inspire. I love that he seemed to care about people. and that I saw something in him that I think I knew was in me. Now, maybe I'd manifest it in a completely different way. But if you begin to think about who you admire, ask yourself what you admire about them, and it's probably because you've identified something in them that lies within you.

39:46Second, the third thing on that I just want to add, that everybody, because what you just said about that special voice, people know that I've had lots of business mentors, and they know many of them are very well-known, very famous people. But what most of you might not know is that my initial mentor, the person who believed in me the most was a man in my own company who was much less successful than I became. He was not successful. His name was, he's become successful to this day, but his name was Steve Adams. And he was a struggling entrepreneur going through his 401k, but he'd write me letters every month about how incredible I was going to be and how successful.

40:18This is why I was in college. I wasn't even in his company yet. He changed my life by his belief in me when he was not yet successful, but he gave me the gift because this is a kind man. One of his gifts is is his kindness and his generosity. And he gave me his belief and his kindness and generosity. You'd think, well, why'd that matter? He wasn't even successful. Because it was the messenger I needed. You don't have to have it all together to help other people. So I just want to completely acknowledge what you've said. Because you're so right. Everybody needs to know that.

40:47Marie Forleo:Yeah, and another place to look, if people are looking. Like I love the thing, what you admire in other people, something that you might aspire to be. That's a great clue. Another great clue, and I think we discount this, things that come naturally to us. Yeah. Right? And we assume, make an assumption, that everyone else has that gift too. It comes naturally to them. I had this. So true. At so many points in my life where I'm always the one who can come up with a reframe. I don't feel like I'm a Pollyanna. It's just my mind is wired to solve problems and it's also wired to see things from different points of view.

41:19Marie Forleo:That's just how I'm built. And I'm like, doesn't everybody see things this way? No, I have a whole career out of it. Right, exactly. But it comes so naturally and so easily. And I think so often we humans discount that, which comes easily to us. And we think that everyone has it. So that might be another pocket of investigation. I can't even get over how amazing what you're saying is. Because that's true of even guests on my show. They'll have greatness in them. And they're like, well, everybody has that. I'm like, no, the reason you're here. And this is true of every single human being. And this is not, we're not superior humans in any way.

41:55I'm a goofball and I'm an average ordinary person. Happiness is finding out what your gift is and then living your life using that gift in the service of other people. That's, I, I, I completely want to acknowledge this. Like it's one of the most important things we've ever covered on the show before because it doesn't get talked about enough.

42:12Marie Forleo:So also too, I want to build on that if we can, you know, the fact that for anyone listening or watching, thinking that we have special skills or that we're, this is another question. Like, are you always happy? Right. Are you always up? Are you always motivated? Do you ever have bad days? I have tons of shit-tastic days. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I still have tons of self-doubt. You know, we were talking off camera. I just came off this book tour, which has been amazing. But I had this idea about how I wanted to launch the book, and it terrified me. So my idea was, what if a Beyonce concert and a TED Talk had a baby and then threw a block party?

42:49Marie Forleo:Like, can I do this? And when I said that out loud, first of all, everything in me lit up and then everything in me was terrified. So much self doubt. And I actually documented it. We did a video about the behind the scenes. It's an awesome video. Thank you. But I wanted to show people how much fear and anxiety and self doubt I have even after a 20 year career. And so, you know, I just, I want to just highlight and underscore that bit that anyone you admire, they absolutely have bad days. First of all, they poop and fart just like everyone else. But it's highly likely that they struggle with depression and anxiety and not feeling good enough.

43:28One million percent. And the reason that it's so important to know this is one that would help you, too. I'm not going to let you have that excuse. It's a convenient excuse to think somebody's different or special or a Martian or superhuman. And they're not, exactly. Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Welcome back to Max Out. I'm Ed Milet, and I'm so excited to bring you the program today.

43:59The man to my left is literally one of the most interesting men in the world. And at least for me, I can tell you that for today, it's been something I've been looking forward to for a long time to pick this big brain of his. You probably recognize his face, and most of you know his name. This is Rob Dyrdek. And this is a guy who at 16 years old dropped out of high school. He founded a professional skateboarding league. He's been a professional skateboarder. He's got 21 Guinness World Records. He's a media stud. He's a rock star in the entrepreneurial space. He's a branding master. But most importantly for me, this is a guy who's a tremendous husband and a great father.

44:35And we're going to pick his brain about how he's accomplished all of those things here today. So thank you for being here, brother. Thanks for having me. I've seen it in video now to experience what it's actually like to be here live. It's so much more beautiful and remarkable than I could ever imagine. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. So usually when I interview somebody, they've accomplished something in their sport, and we talk about that, or they've accomplished something in business, and we talk about that. The complexity of what you've done, I wonder, and it's probably even a good thing that you don't always just step back and go, wow, right?

45:05But the complexity of, and how many times you've remade yourself. because that lesson at 24, that lesson at 16, I think there was another lesson when you're preparing yourself, we're going to talk about later, for finding someone like Brianna, that whole thing. See, I had this really weird thing happen. I'll tell you, when Max was six years old, I was at this car wash. And this really nice guy I'd see there all the time on Saturday, an old guy. Turns out he's about my age now, but at the time he was old to me. And just at a niceness, he says to me, he goes, Hey, enjoy the six-year-old because when he turns seven, the six-year-old's gone forever.

45:37And when he turns eight, the seven-year-old's gone forever. And you've got little kids, you know, man. They just keep becoming these different versions of themselves. And I remember saying back to the guy without trying to be disrespectful, I said back to him, I said, so when did that stop for you? And he just stared at me kind of blankly. And he goes, I don't know. And I said, you should figure that out. And what I respect about you is that you have not settled. The 18-year-old version wasn't the same at 24. The 24-year-old man doesn't even resemble the 43-year-old or the 44-year-old or the 24-year-old, right?

46:09It shifts all the time. I respect that about you. So that happens, and then you go on from there. We can't document your whole life. Let me say this to that, too, right? Because I think I've heard you say before about how you're in pursuit of the vision of something to the effect of you're pursuing the vision of the man that you expect yourself to become, right? Something to that effect. And I would say when I finally shifted to that, that in that pursuit of that individual, I also knew that that individual was slowly changing with the experience that I was having pursuing it. Right. And it's not that it's this you're pursuing something that's not attainable.

46:50it's with experience and knowledge and understanding of yourself because you're on the journey just to master you that the more you begin to master you the more that ideal version of you begins to evolve too so you're in this sort of relentless pursuit that's clear that I think at some point it becomes fully optimized the fully optimized version of yourself is who you will catch up with like that won't forever be elusive and oh my gosh that's right and i think um as because we're so similar in that sort of idea it's the moment i realized that no this growth is actually one of your key attributes like embrace it and and enjoy uh what you're able to achieve but know that that's not part of your makeup like the relentless of pursuit is actually your makeup oh my gosh brother And that changed, it allows me to not, very difficult to look back and reflect because I mean, I just enjoy the pursuit so much.

47:56You know what I mean? Me too. I've heard you say about this too. You make me feel really good because although we're a little bit different personality wise, you're probably the most similar person to me that I've met maybe ever. And just that, it's even harder to describe, but we're both just so obsessed with this pursuit of growth and change and experiences in life. And one of the things I struggle with is my memory. Yeah. And I know you do. So a lot. I know. The gift and the curse. It's a gift and the curse. I think maybe one of the gifts of it is I don't remember all my failures that just hold me back and I keep telling all these old stories.

48:32But I really do have a hard time remembering things. In fact, when I get interviewed, the great gift for me when I'm interviewed is it forces some recall of memories I didn't have before. You have that too, right? What do you think that is? 100%. I don't know, but just talking it out, thinking about it with somebody else that experiences it, I think it's more gift than curse. Now, it comes back to haunt you when you're trying to remember the details on certain things. and it jams you up a little where it jams me up at this state is i'm taking in and learning so much at a high level and then it pushes out stuff that i could really use again when i want to use it for another situation if you will especially in business but i also it's also made me super conscious of stuff that i really want to know that i want to remember and never forget that I tell myself that as I get there, right?

49:25Meaning when a major moment happens, you have to go hang. In the engagement, getting wedding, children, like a moment with children. Like when I really, even just recently taking the helicopter to Catalina to celebrate my three-year anniversary, like I kept telling myself as we're flying over the city and look at the ocean, like don't, like just feel this, like remember this, look at this, remember this so it's like I have to practice that and those lock in right yeah that's why you guys if I started to try to list for you the amount of moments that he can't remember but also that have been amazing in his life some of you you just would literally it is what he said earlier it's many many many many many many many lives right so I want to touch on some of them where there's lessons but I just I'm going to spend most of my time in your brain and in your heart But you go all the way from, let's be honest, you go from Robin Big, you got Ridiculousness, right?

50:22You got all of the moments that happened on all of these shows too, right? Fantasy Factory, like all of these different things. It's just, it's bananas. And so, I'm going to... And keep in mind, Fantasy Factory was basically a moment generator. You know what I mean? From getting attacked by a shark to jockeying a horse for a race to like flipping a car for a Super Bowl commercial, breaking a world record, jumping a car backwards. It's like getting towed into a giant wave and almost dying. Like all these crazy, crazy, crazy highlight reel that no human being on the planet Earth has. Correct. Right.

50:56Is. Did you just hear what he said, by the way? Just, just slow that down just a second. Okay. A mauled by a tiger, bit attacked by a shark. You kissed a bear on the lips. I kissed a bear. Right. And then. It's an easier one. So let me just stay on that just for a second. Because like those are once in a lifetime moments you've had over and over and over again. Right. So stay on that just, meanwhile, kicking ass in business. Meanwhile, founding a skateboarding, it's like you make me feel small, which is awesome, right? So, and keep in mind too, they are fully intertwined. What do you mean? How is that?

51:29I'm negotiating a deal, a five year, like multi-million dollar mega deal with Nike, right before, like I gotta hang up the phone and break a world record for jumping a car, ramp to ramp, 90 feet backwards, right? for a giant Chevy integration deal that Chevy's going to do a deal for being a part of our league while launching a complete new company. It's like you're taking phone calls in between this sort of chaos and sort of all aspects of your life. That was a six or seven year run of doing all this insanity while doing all of your business and normal stuff inside it. So that's maxing out these different areas.

52:08The pun is intended, right? But like, so there are people out here who use the complexity of their lives as an excuse not to succeed in any one of them right so oh god i'm a dad and i've got my business and i got my you know soccer league or whatever it is how did you do that so if you were to say here's one of the reasons how i can compartmentalize and win in different areas what would be one of the keys just sheer drive and and relentless pursuit of success now the problem with that was is here you are you know someone that can do anything you you end up you have the ability to do anything so you end up doing everything then you end up kind of standing for nothing right so you end up meaning so much to so many different people you you're not even sure what you stand for like are is your passion business do you want to do stunts are you a tv guy like do you want to be the commissioner of your league do you like skateboard like what is like i had to stop and realize that because my hope was if i just kept doing all this stuff one of them would show me the way right so and as someone that's so driven and whose gift is execution the moment you decide to do something you're gonna do it I'm gonna do a cartoon in a toy line like okay I got a cartoon on Nickelodeon and a toy line in Walmart I got attacked by a shark to launch it I'm gonna do a new television show I got this I've read an article with Vinnie DeBone I'm gonna do this clip video show it's gonna be the biggest thing ever did like like you end up doing all of these things and you basically behind that there's 20 of them that aren't working that you're putting that same energy of running into the wall with right and and furthermore it's not leading anywhere since you're hoping one will determine what your future is right and i stopped and and yes i i would look at myself as this highly conditioned stress athlete where you could you could put yourself under the deepest pressure and and you know take on 50 or 60 things at a time and operate smooth and happy and But it wasn't until I looked deep within myself and decided, what type of life do you actually want?

54:28It's easier to do when you're sort of in the midst of failure externally. But you did it in the midst of success. And so this is what it does. When I finally transition to the next level or the fully designed version, which I'm on my way. I would say I'm exactly two and one half years into. then I'll speak about it and it'll be what I'm known for and what we talk about, right? Because since I'm in the middle of transitioning in it, when you look at my body of work, it is like so all over the place. It's so hard to land on what it is because the stunt aspect is really interesting. And being a professional athlete and then like, oh, you jump up and, and oh now you're doing all these businesses we're partners together and this super innovative amazing brand like like oh but then no you're still uh shooting nine episodes of television a week you know what i mean and like you're still uh you know entering your uh 12th 13th and 14th season on on ridiculousness putting you at 10 years and 25 seasons and 500 episodes of television on MTV, like it's hard to put down like what does he really, what would he be known for when really you would know me primarily for MTV if you know business or you've had a conversation then you're like, okay, this guy's like tuned in.

55:57But my goal is to be known for the life that I created, the life that I lived and the way that I systematized it and built it that ultimately people could replicate in their own lives in the future. Yeah the example is gonna be bananas I actually admire the diversity of your success. It's been a lot of fun I mean it's like brother come on I mean and I'll tell you another moment too man when I after I got attacked by that shark yeah because I'm like this is so dumb like this isn't even this isn't even gonna be good like why am I doing this that's every stunt Every stunt is like this isn't even that this is so dumb and afterwards like No one in the world But I remember swimming up off of the Looking down on the on that boat and stopping as I was swimming up and there's like 50 sharks swimming around telling myself Just look and soak this into your mind because you will never be back right, you know in and I have that to go along with the great photo of that shark on my arm.

57:04You know what I mean? That was a great conversation. Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. Today's going to be awesome. I get a chance to share time with someone who's had a deep impact on my life. You know, I feel so close to this man, yet we've only been in person together once. It's the most interesting relationship and connection I've had in many, many years with somebody. I love his work. Um, and I have a lot to learn today myself. I told him before we started, this is for everybody else today, but I have some of my own questions as well.

57:40Um, he's got a new book out called the wealth money can't buy. And he, I guess I'd call him a thought leader, a humanitarian. I'd also call him just kind, brilliant, and someone that I admire because he's, he has started to live life on his own terms. And that takes a lot of courage when you're as successful as he is. And so Robin Sharma, welcome back, brother. It's so good to have you. My brother, Ed, you are such a kind soul yourself. And I honor you for inspiring the lives of millions of people. And your humility is so special. And I want to acknowledge you for that as well. It's amazing to see you.

58:20It's amazing to see you. And he's in the midst of a tour right now. He's very, very busy. So I have so many things I want to ask you about because it's the book itself about the wealth that money can't buy. The reason it's so profound is about everything we see in our culture now is about the wealth money can buy. And that's become our idol for the most part in our culture. And I want to talk about that and pick that apart first. But first thing I want to cover is I think in order to understand what you want in life, you have to understand why you are the way you are. And so one of the things you list in the book is the Penham principle.

58:56I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. And if I am, why don't we start today with you explaining to us about us, because I think that's what this does. Well, you know, Ed, we fall into a human trap and we think we see the world as it is, but we see the world as we are. So Joseph Campbell had this idea of the stained glass window. We all look through our experiences and our programming through a perceptual filter. And so right now we can see the poly crisis and the wars and the challenges and the cost of living crisis. Yet we can also see beauty and we can see wonder. We can see opportunity. We can see the chance for service.

59:40So the Penton principle, first, the first form of wealth in the book. These are the five forces that make us us, that make you you, make me me. Number one, P, Penham, our parents. When we were little kids, our parents taught us how the world worked. And so that early programming stays with us through our lifetime unless we rewire it. Our parents could have said money doesn't grow on trees. Be reasonable. Don't trust whatever. And we pick up all these programs. So the P stands for parents. Second, the E in Penham, our ecosystem or our environment. We become our environment. You look at the information we allow into our minds, the information diet.

1:00:23It steadily transforms us, upgrades us, or degrades us. The N is our nation. If you're from a war-torn nation, that's going to affect the perceptual filter through which you see the world. The A, our associations. We become our conversations. Everyone we have met in our lives have left some form of an imprint subconsciously, either positively or negatively within us. Everyone. So our associations, all it takes is one conversation with someone whose life we want to be living to help us enter a secret universe of possibility we never knew was there. A secret universe of possibility. That's so good.

1:01:05All it takes is one idea to reframe the way we see the world. That's the power of reading, the power of listening to a podcast, the power of a mentor, the power of a mastermind, the power of stripping out the energy vampires and dream stealers from our life. And then the M in the Penem principle, the five forces that shaped us, is media. Look at the subtle messaging and the not so subtle messaging we are receiving from influencers, from the media, from advertisers, constantly in a torrent. And whether we want to admit it or not, it shapes the way we see the world and shapes the way we feel and shapes the way we show up.

1:01:45Gosh, it's so true. One of the things I like about the way that Robin writes, and it makes it difficult to interview him because there's so many good points, but he writes very small chapters. And so when you read his work, you're like, that's the question I want to ask him. That's the question. There's so many of them. And he gets right to the point. It's very strategic. I love your writing style and I love your thinking style and so I kind of want to build on a progression but because of the way that I read the book we're going to skip around guys we're going to kind of just bring you value but not in any real order or sequence and so but once we understand why we are the way we are there's some simple things you say in there that I think bear repeating and and and some expansion so one thing you say is you say small steps make giant gains And I think what most people think in life is like, I got to make some major move to change things.

1:02:38But you make the point in the book that, hey, a small step can make a huge difference. Sure. What you do daily, the tiny things are so much more powerful than the big things you might do annually. So I've had a brain tattoo that I've used for years, and it's small daily, seemingly insignificant improvements when done consistently over time lead to stunning results. Now we can go more granular on that. Your days are your life in miniature. And that was one of my intentions today. Like just give a fire hose of value to Ed's global community. your days are your life in miniature so don't worry about the weeks or the quarters of the years focus on this day and if you can get those micro wins and also create perfect moments and also make some steady progress towards your personal mount everest you had a great day but here's the larger point the days become weeks the weeks become months the months become years so your days are your life in miniature is a very key point and what i would add to that is if you look at a great company they were built not by revolution it wasn't one strategic objective that made apple it was built by evolution yeah those small little optimizations those opportunities to be a merchant of wow those little innovations the little details and the same with human life how do you build a great human life consistency is the mother of mastery little wins, tiny triumphs done consistently over time, lead you to a life you'll be super proud of at the end.

1:04:21And I think... Last thing I'd say about that is that's the power of connecting to your mortality. I think as human beings, we are the great postponers. We will create these wonderful days consistently. We will install great habits. We will dream bigger dreams so we become possibilitarians when the kids get older, when we have more time, when there's an ideal period for that. And yet, you know, connecting to the shortness of life and your mortality, if you can do that as part of your morning ritual, and I have some tools to share as we move through our time together that will help your viewers and listeners do that.

1:05:01But just keeping your death and the shortness of life front and center is not negative. I think it's hugely inspirational because then you live to the point. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. don't forget to follow the show on apple and spotify links are in the show notes now on to our next guest welcome back to the show everybody excited to talk to this gentleman today because his works fascinated me for a long time the reason his work has fascinated me for so long i went through this string for a while where so many what i'd call high performing successful friends of mine would say have you read atomic habits you're at atomic habits i'm talking about athletes, business people, entertainers.

1:05:42And I'm like, the heck is atomic habits. And I finally find out there's this guy, James Clear. Turns out he's written this book, like 5 million people have bought it. And I'm like, well, why have 5 million people read this book on habits? Because you know, you're supposed to have them. And then I read it. I'm like, ah, it's not one of these, like have a habit book. It's like how your brain works, how to create habits, how to eliminate bad ones and physically why in your brain you can do these things and why it's so necessary. So I've wanted James on for a long time. We finally put it together.

1:06:11I'm so grateful to share him with all of you today. So James Clear, welcome to the show, brother.

1:06:15James Clear:Hey, thanks for having me on. Great to talk to you. Yeah. And I don't want to just talk habits today. I'm going to talk about some of your productivity hacks as well. Sure. Your work, Rose, is, I think I'd call it groundbreaking because I don't think anybody's really approached habits the way that you have. But let's back up a little bit just for a second, because I think it's important for people to understand this concept you teach that, you know, everyone's always talking about taking massive action. You take massive action towards what you want. You're like, yeah, you should do that. But your concept of getting 1 % better is much more believable for most people.

1:06:50And so just address that for a second. Why 1 % better every day? And how does a habit do that?

1:06:55James Clear:Sure. So first of all, I think there's no reason that you can't be really ambitious, right? like I consider myself to be a very ambitious person. I think it's just that you're oscillating or switching between these two modes. You know, like when you're in planning mode, when you're in strategy mode, sure, you can be very ambitious and be very aggressive and, you know, stretching yourself and reaching. But when it comes time to take action and execute, you have to scale it down to something that you can achieve that day. You know, like the, in one sense, the biggest unit of time you could ever do something is about a single day, because then you got to go to sleep, you know, and then you have to wake up again and do it the next day.

1:07:31James Clear:So unless you're playing, you know, at some point there's a limit, you can only stay up for 48 hours or 72 hours, like, you know, and then you break. So that's the largest possible unit that you could ever do a single thing in. And I think more realistically, most of the time, the truth is, you know, you got about an hour, maybe you got two hours to work on this and then got to go move on to something else. So we don't have big chunks of chunks of time available to us. We need to scale things down into pieces that we can actually work on and execute. So the way that I think about it is when making plans, think big.

1:08:01James Clear:When making progress, think small. And getting 1 % better each day is a way to encourage that. The story that I like to tell, and this is something that I kind of kick Atomic Habits off with, is the story of the British cycling team. And for many years, British cycling was very mediocre. They had never won a Tour de France, which is the premier race in cycling. They had won a single gold medal over like a hundred year span. And they brought this new performance coach in named Dave Brailsford. And he had this concept that he called the aggregation of marginal gains, the aggregation of marginal gains.

1:08:35James Clear:And the way that he described it was the 1 % improvement in nearly everything that we do related to cycling. So they started looking at a bunch of things you would expect a cycling team to focus on. Like they put slightly lighter tires on the bike, or they designed like an ergonomic seat for the riders. They had the riders wear a little feedback sensor, a little chip to see how each individual responded to training. Then they would adjust the practice schedule. But then they started doing like these little 1 % changes, these small improvements that nobody else was really thinking about. Like they hired a surgeon to come in and teach the riders how to wash their hands to reduce the risk of catching a cold or getting the flu.

1:09:11James Clear:They have this big trailer, like a semi-trailer that carries a lot of bikes in it to major events. And they painted the inside of that truck trailer white so that they could spot little bits of dirt and dust that might get in the gears and degrade the performance of the bikes. They have two different types of fabrics. They've got like indoor racing suits and outdoor racing suits. And they tested those fabrics in a wind tunnel. And they found out that the indoor fabric was lighter and more aerodynamic. So they asked all of their riders to wear that fabric. They even had all their different riders test, you know, like a bunch of like maybe a dozen different types of pillows.

1:09:43James Clear:and then they see which one led to the best night's sleep for each person. And then once they figured that out, they brought that on the road with them to hotels for the Tour de France and so on. And Brailsford said something like, if we can actually do this, if we actually make all these 1 % improvements related to cycling, then I think we can win a Tour de France within five years. He ended up being wrong. They won the Tour de France in three years, and then they repeated again the fourth year with a different rider. And then after a one-year break, they won three more in a row. So after having never won for like 110 years, they win five of the next six.

1:10:16James Clear:And I like to use that story as an introduction to this idea of getting a little bit better, making these 1 % improvements for a couple of reasons. The first is it shows you that excellence a lot of the time, maybe we can even say most of the time, is not actually about radical change. It's about a commitment to accruing small improvements day in and day out. Secondly, and I think this is also crucial, it encourages you to focus on trajectory rather than position, right? There's a lot of discussion about position in life. How much money is in the bank account? What is the number on the scale? What is the current stock price?

1:10:52James Clear:What are the quarterly earnings? There's all this measurement around our current position. But what getting 1 % better each day encourages is to focus on your trajectory instead. Am I getting better? Is the arrow pointed up and to the right or have we flatlined? Am I getting 1 % better or 1 % worse? Because if you're on a good trajectory, all you need is time, right? If you have good habits, time becomes your ally. You just need to let time work for you. But if you have bad habits, time becomes your enemy. And every day that clicks by, you kind of dig the hole a little bit deeper. And so it's very much at the core, it's about encouraging you to focus on trajectory rather than position.

1:11:25How did you get to 37.78 times better? Like where'd that ratio number come from?

1:11:31James Clear:Yeah, yeah, it's just math, right? So if you get 1 % better each day for a year, so 1.01 to the 365th power, then he gets 37 times better by the end of the year. If you get 1 % worse, 0.99 to the 365th power, then you drive yourself almost all the way down to zero. Now, look, real life is not exactly like a mathematical equation, right? Your habits are not exactly like this formula. but I do think that it highlights an important concept, which is the difference between making a choice that's 1 % better or 1 % worse on any given day is relatively insignificant. It's very easy to dismiss. And this is, I think, one of the things that makes it underappreciated or underestimated.

1:12:15James Clear:You know, like, what is the difference between eating a burger and fries for lunch today or eating a salad or, you know, going to the gym for 30 minutes or not? Well, on any given day, not a whole lot. You know, your body looks the same in the mirror at the end of the night. Scale hasn't really changed. It's only two or five or 10 years later that you turn around. You're like, oh, you know, those daily choices really do add up. And I think you see this pattern again and again throughout life. Like take knowledge, for example, the person who always reads for an extra 10 minutes each day. Well, look, reading for 10 minutes a day does not make you a genius, right?

1:12:49James Clear:It's very easy to dismiss. But the person who always does that over five or 10 or 20 years, yeah, really meaningful difference in wisdom and insight. Productivity is the same way. You know, like the person who gets one extra task done each day. Doing one extra thing does not make you an all-star. But again, over 10 or 20 or 30-year career, that can be a really meaningful difference in output. So this pattern shows up again and again. What starts out small, relatively easy to dismiss, compounds or turns into something much more significant over time. The biggest word, bro. I don't think most people take into account, you and I are both college baseball players, good ones, but neither one of us were, you know, surefire first round draft pick major league players.

1:13:28And I think most people don't take into account and they're like the compound effect. I don't think they understand it in money. I don't think they understand it in their bodies, both positive and negative. And I don't think they understand their identity or in just in habits. The compound effect in life of allowing small things to stack up over time has a multiplier effect. And one of the things that I feel like in your work, and by the way, your work is, I'm all, we're a few minutes in here and I'm like, this is so good. And the reason is, is one, I believe most people believe they can get 1 % better every day.

1:13:59I don't think most people believe that they can completely transform everything in one big leap. I think there's a multiplier though. Do you agree that between doing the right things 1 % or just better habitually every single day, not only are you actually making deposits of doing things correctly or better, But there's a part of your identity that starts to change over time about how you view yourself that I am that guy who doesn't eat the hamburger and fries when he can choose to eat the other one. And you stack those choices and behaviors up over time and you start sort of believing maybe you deserve something that you didn't deserve prior.

1:14:30Isn't there a factor of that, don't you think, as well?

1:14:32James Clear:This is a huge part of kind of my philosophy and book, this idea of what I call identity-based habits. But essentially, the concept is, and I think this is the real reason that habits matter. The surface level reason that habits matter is they help you be more productive. They help you make more money. They help you lose weight and get fit. And look, habits can do all those things. And that's great. But I think the deeper reason that they matter is that every action you take is like a vote for the type of person you wish to become. And so when you perform these small habits, when you take these little actions, you're casting votes for a certain aspect of your story or a certain element of your identity.

1:15:11James Clear:In a sense, every time you perform a habit, that's how you like embody that aspect of your identity. So, you know, when you make your bed in the morning, you embody the identity of someone who's clean and organized. Or if you write one sentence, you embody the identity of someone who is a writer. And this is why it can be valuable, you know, even to like do one push up. It's like, no, that does not transform your body, but it does cast a vote for I'm the type of person who doesn't miss workouts. And eventually, as you build up evidence of that story, as you start to cast more votes for that identity, you have like actual proof to believe this, right?

1:15:46James Clear:This is I think is a little bit different than you'll often hear something like fake it till you make it. And I don't necessarily have anything wrong with fake it till you make it. It's asking you to believe something positive about yourself, but it's asking you to believe something positive without having evidence for it. And we have a word for beliefs that don't have evidence. We call that delusion, right? Like at some point, your brain doesn't like this mismatch between what you say you are and what you're actually doing. And so my argument is to let the behavior lead the way to start by meditating for one minute or doing one push up or writing one sentence and letting that be undeniable proof that in that moment, you were a meditator or an athlete or a writer or whatever it is.

1:16:28James Clear:And ultimately, I think this is the real value that habits provide, which is they reinforce your desired identity. Boy, it's just so good, brother. So good. I don't know why I'm just meeting you now because our overall belief system about change is so very, very similar. And, you know, we're going to talk about how to actually begin to establish habits. But before we do that, I want to talk about the concept of establishing one because you said something about the one pushup. reading or listening to something you're talking about about the guy who would go to the gym for just five minutes and work out and you said something about this casting the vote for who you want to be or who you're going to be that was powerful right but you're saying before a habit can be and i don't want to quote you incorrectly but i want you to elaborate on it because this is profound to me i mean it's obvious but if you if you don't step back and get away from it and look at it you really don't realize the truth of it before a habit can be improved it has to actually be established.

1:17:25And I think what happens is you tell me what you think. Beginning of the year, I'm going to lose 50 pounds. I'm going to do this. I'm going to eat five minutes. I'm going to starve myself to 500 calories. So it's not a 1 % improvement or I want to get up earlier. I'm going to get up two hours earlier, starting tomorrow, instead of get up 15 minutes earlier, right? Get up a minute earlier. So talk about that from a, just the concept for everyone to just, they can take control of their life right now by just the establishment of a habit, right? Or, or right?

1:17:58James Clear:Yeah, definitely right. I, um, so one of the concepts I talk about in the book is this, uh, one of the strategies is this idea of what I call the two minute rule, where I encourage people to build a habit that takes two minutes or less to do. So you take whatever you're trying to do, read 30 books a year becomes read one page or do yoga four days a week becomes take out my yoga mat. And sometimes when I mentioned that idea, people resist a little bit because they're like, okay, buddy, you know, I know the real goal isn't just to take my yoga mat out. I know I'm actually trying to do the workout.

1:18:29James Clear:So if this is some kind of mental trick, then like, why would I fall for it basically? Well, I tell the story of, of this guy, Mitch, that you mentioned this guy who I met, I talk about him in atomic habits. He went to the gym. He's lost over a hundred pounds, kept it off for more than a decade. And when he first started going to the gym, he wouldn't stay for longer than five minutes. He had this little rule. He had to leave after five minutes. So you get in the car, drive to the gym, get out, do half an exercise, get back in the car, drive home. And it sounds ridiculous, right? It sounds silly.

1:18:59James Clear:You're like, obviously he's not going to get the guy the results that he wants. But if you take a step back, you realize that he was mastering the art of showing up, right? He was becoming the type of person that went to the gym four days a week, even if it was only for five minutes. And this gets us to that deeper truth about habits that you just mentioned, this idea that a habit must be established before it can be improved. It has to become the standard in your life before you can optimize it and scale it up into something more. And, you know, I don't know why we do this. Like we get very all or nothing about our habits.

1:19:30James Clear:We're like, we're so focused on finding the perfect business idea or the best workout program or the ideal diet plan that we spend all our time theorizing and researching and looking for a better way. And instead, if we could just master the art of showing up, even if in the beginning, it was less than what you had hoped to do, you're establishing a foothold. You're building some small progress that you can advance off of. And it reminds me of Ed Lattimore has that great quote where he says, the heaviest weight at the gym is the front door. And man, there are a lot of things in life that are like that.

1:20:05James Clear:You know, like the hardest part is getting started. The hardest part is establishing the routine, even if it's a lower level baseline than what you ultimately hope to achieve. But the reality is, if you can't become the type of person who masters the art of showing up, even if it's just for five minutes, then it doesn't matter how good the plan is. It doesn't matter how great your theory is. And so I think the two minute rule pushes back on that perfectionist tendency a little bit and just encourages you to master the art of showing up. So good. I'm right. I just finished writing a book called one more.

1:20:34And I get asked that sometimes too. And one of the things that I wasn't thinking about it from this perspective when I wrote it, but you become the kind of person says, look, I'm going to do, it's my bench press. I'm going to do 10. You do one more, you do 11. I even say you're riding the treadmill for 45 minutes. You can build that habit of, okay, I'm going one more minute. I do 46. What's the difference in that minute? Well, you stack up that minute over a year. There's a difference, but also your identity begins to changes. and I'm not telling you to go through 45 minutes to three hours on a treadmill.

1:21:03So the exercise I was doing is I wasn't thinking of it from this perspective. But now that I'm thinking about it, actually our work is sort of converging, you know, almost in the exact same space. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited to share this very profound and deep conversation with Burt Kreischer. You're going to hear Burt in ways that you have never heard from him before.

1:21:32We go very, very deep here. It gets very, very emotional, and I know you're going to love it. But what you are going to get from Burt that you are used to getting is a lot of adult language. And so I wanted to give you warning in advance because you normally listen to my show. We usually bleep out the couple profane words, but there's a lot of them in this episode because that's the way that Bert speaks, and we just decided there's too many of them to try to beep. All you'd be hearing is beeping. So I want you to know today's episode has strong language. The F word is used a lot in this episode.

1:22:03And so just wanted to make sure you knew that up front. If you've got young ears or ears, you don't want to hear that language writing with you in the car or anywhere in the room with you, today you're going to hear strong language on the show. God bless you. Enjoy. I'm kind of obsessed with death, right? Oh, yeah. And I know you are too. Like I, you said you used to fear it more than you do, but like I, I am obsessed with it. When I say obsessed with it, like I think about it a lot, but it actually gives me a lot of peace. So I was with my dad when he took his last breath. It was literally right there with my dad.

1:22:33And it like dawned on me when he did it. And after he passed away, my mom and my sister, we had to wait for the hearse to come. It was like an hour and a half. My mom and dad don't, my, my sister and my mom, my sisters, they don't want to be in the room with them. So I'm in there with my dad alone. Just me and my dad. I'm sorry. I just can only imagine me going, hey, are you faking it? Well, I literally, I'm going to be real with you, their body twitches and stuff. I'm like, a couple times, he's back. And even when he was passing, their heart rate will go to nothing and it's gone. And you're like, they think he's gone.

1:23:09And then it comes back. So there is a little element of that. It's a really deep thing. God, I know that now. Yeah, you should know that. Everybody should know that in advance. anyway at some point that stopped and we were there and it dawned on me like you know you start running memories of your dad of your life right like this is the most important man in my life of my entire life is my dad you're the most important in Georgia and I list right like there's no other man that'll ever be that important their husband will be but there's something with the dad and so I'm just thinking of memories of my dad and you know different things and then as you look around the room like pictures of our family there some of my Dad's awards are there.

1:23:45And it just dawned on me. Like, at some point, I realized, actually, my dad's not here. Like, his body's there. But my dad's gone. Whatever you want to call it. In my case, it's a soul. I know we're being serious here. I'm being serious. Their spirit, their life force, whatever. And my belief and my faith, it's his soul. He's gone. So I'm like, it just dawned on me, man. Like, my dad is in his body. And then, what could my, who was my dad? My dad's not his body. So he's this energy, this life force. And he, when my dad died in the room, he was in was his body. He wasn't that was all of his awards.

1:24:23He wasn't any of his accumulations. We were in his actual house. He didn't get to take his house with him. His car was in the driveway. He didn't get to take his car with him. When my dad died, he had worries and fears and anxieties and problems. He didn't take those with him. So you can't take any of that crap with you. Like physically, my dad was gone. So he's not his house. He's on his cars. He's not as awards. He's not as worries is not as fears. He's any of those things What did he leave? What did he leave? My dad left two things my dad left us He left us he left his family. He left the lessons we learned the memories We had all that other stuff and then he left all the other people that he helped my dad helped like several thousand people Go get sober and blah blah blah in your case Just remember this like you can't take all this shit with you anyway But you get to leave all the people you made laugh all the lives you change and I'm being very serious with you millions and millions of people you brought joy to maybe it's just for a freaking hour of their life they're like man that night with Bert I saw I was there that night at Red Rocks right that one night with you they remember that the rest of their life you get to leave that here you get to leave Isla you get to leave George you get to leave Leanne like those are the things that matter and the reason that that's so powerful for me is when I walk out and there's 30 ,000 people I'm not on the anxiety that I normally have.

1:25:39Yeah. Because I'm going to be gone anyway. I don't get to take it, but I get to take away all the difference I make for those human beings when I speak. So I really value you, bro. Like, thank you. I really value, but I don't know if that helps you or not. But like, for me, it's like some of this stuff we get caught up in all the time. Like it's, you can't take any of this stuff with you. No. Does that make sense? I'm just watching your face. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm, I'm, it, it, it leaves an impact because you think, you think of all the, all the things you've put out like I think of Jimmy Buffett and I still get his joy.

1:26:12Yes. Like he left it and I love Jimmy Buffett or Jerry Garcia. I still get their joy. Like I still get to listen to Althea. Do you know what a blessing it is that you have what you have? I kind of do. That sounds really crazy, but I kind of, I have in the moment on stage thought, this is really cool. You get to take people out of their memory, out of their thoughts for a second and you get to get them to be present and laugh. and if and I've said this before if I can leave anything I would my legacy I would love for it I'll get emotional

1:26:48I get emotional thinking about this maybe just a couple times if people when I'm gone

1:26:59people just go like it would be so much cooler if Burb was here like god we'd have so much fun Wouldn't it be great if Bert was here and he just walked in with a bottle of champagne and a crazy story?

1:27:14I mean, I don't need to cure anything, but just for people to go like, God, man, I wish he was here. That would be so fun. And I don't need it to be the world. Just like a solid hundred people to just be like, man, can you imagine if Bert was here? Like that energy, I think that energy is what defines me. It's what I've always wanted and searched for as a kid is I wanted people to miss me. And I noticed that at a certain point, if I left the room, no one cared. And if I wasn't there, no one was like, where's Bert? I feel like I'm just building to hopefully get it to the place where people go like, God, man.

1:28:12Wouldn't it be cool if Bert was here? I know my daughters will say that, but that's it. Just like on a Sunday morning when someone opens a bottle of champagne and goes like, fuck. Bert would have brought a joint.

1:28:30bro you've said three or four things today like in the history of the show or like my favorite things ever said oh and the reason there's a bunch of people crying with you the one they want that too and some people are sitting there going i wonder if anybody would miss me and you were born to do something great with your life everybody doesn't mean you're gonna be in millions of people but someone ought to miss you there ought to be a difference you've made and if right now if this was the last day of your life the final chapter you go i don't know who would miss me that's an indicator you need to make some changes indicator you need to pursue your dreams that was like bro like i had no idea where we were going to go today and i'm so grateful that we went where we went so glad i'm so happy you asked me to do this bro like honestly like come back every couple years and let's just sit down and figure out where you're at plus i want to be and please take care of yourself like we would miss you like we don't want you to leave sooner than you need to leave here if i asked you this question because i think a lot of people hear feedback is criticism so when Ooh, that's a fucking powerful statement.

1:29:27Yeah. How do you hear it? When you hear that from people, you've got this number, you got a movie that killed it. You got your, your, this dude fills up anywhere he wants right now and he can do it multiple days. Bert does. Making a ton of money. Podcaster crushing. You know, your, your life is really, really good right now. There's probably a party that's like, Hey, if this is, you know, do you know who you're dealing with here? Like I'm pretty functional. So do you hear feedback even from dudes who love you as criticism? Because most people, that's how they hear it. yeah yeah and what stinks is that when I was at my my lowest and my lowest was these past probably seven months starting in January I did a European tour then I did an arena tour in the states and then I promoted the special I then went to an Australian tour uh in arenas and then I did uh another arena tour promoted my movie I did my fully loaded tour which was six weeks I think this year then did the cruise and the cruise was right before that but I was at my lowest and everyone noticed and I will say that I got emails from I got texts from everyone one of them was Tom's agent I just apologized to him the other night he texted me I'm worried about you whatever this and that and I was like whatever ran into him at dinner in New York with Tom and I said to him hey man you're not my boy you're not my wife go fuck yourself if you want to be in my life sit down and have a drink with me but I don't even want to hear a word out of your fucking mouth You don't spend time with me.

1:30:51You don't know my life's like I don't want to hear a fucking word I said that Steve burn I said that to Tom I said that to Joe I said that I said that to fucking everybody because at the time what I was like

1:31:05It when someone's concerned about you you don't hear it that way you don't hear You hear them saying I'm better than you in some way or I got my shit together You need to get your shit together. I don't know what you hear, but I did not hear it well and And it wasn't until I realized, oh, they're just, it was my daughters who said they were worried about me. My daughters, when they went on tour with us, were fully loaded. It was extremely stressful. I had a stalker trying to kill me. It was like really bad. Yeah, it was really bad. And by the way, all this is just, it's bubbling over. It really is.

1:31:42and both my daughters at the end of Fully Loaded, and granted Fully Loaded is with the 32 best comics in the world. Every week it's the new 10 comics. It's my best friends, the funniest people in the world, and we're cracking beers at breakfast. We're eating mushrooms. We're smoking weed. We're drinking at the show. We get on a tour bus. We party at night. It's fucking fun as fucking shit. I'm 275, but I'm not 300 pounds. So like, and I'm benching 225, 10 times. I'm strong as shit. I feel good. I feel like shit. I feel like shit probably if we're going to be very honest. And my daughters both said like, like at the gorge, I killed like four beers at the end of the show.

1:32:25Last show, I killed four beers and one of them was an IPA and I snapped. I was like, who the fuck gave me an IPA like to kill? That was my daughter, Georgia. Oh God. She goes, sorry, I don't drink. I don't know what a Bud Light looks like. Bust her heart. And then, and, uh, and we're all sitting and we got home and Ila said, you're, you're drinking a lot. And I was like, really? And my sister's like, you look like I want to put a needle in you and just watch you deflate. You look bad. Georgia said, you're red all the time. Like your face is just red. Now my face is normally red because I'm horrible.

1:33:00I was out in the sun in Florida as a kid, but, and that's when I kind of took, like I assessed where I was and I was like, I was never meant to be 275. I was never meant, drinking now is to getting me through the day. And I say that I wasn't like an early morning, I need drinks kind of guy, but it was just always there. And we'd go to play golf and we'd be like, ah, fuck it. Let's have a, let's just do a double Tito's and soda just to start. And everyone's fun. And when my daughters and my wife said it, I was like, all right. And then I was just like, I'll do a cleanse, drop 15 pounds, start all over.

1:33:39And then at the end, I went to my cardiologist and I was trained for it. I like didn't drink, took a Xanax going in, get my blood pressure down. My cardiologist was like, yo, what's going on? He's like, you're the fattest you've ever been. And your blood pressure is 120 over 80. I don't believe this. And that's when I think I started this journey of like going, if I want to continue my lifestyle, which I do, then I need to be in control of my lifestyle. And I ran into a guy, I was in Austin, and I ran into a guy who was like, you're not as fat as the internet says. And I was like, huh? He's like, oh, there's a Reddit thread about an over-under on when you die.

1:34:21And by the way, that death thing is very real. It's not going to show up. There's not going to be huge things that show up before you die. Just one day, you have a heart attack. One day you are pushing it too hard. Do you have a fear of that? Not as much not drinking. Okay, not as much not drinking. So the decision for you long term is just going to be this. Can you moderate it and can you regulate it? And that's what you're going to have to decide. Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify.

1:34:58We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. My guest today is somebody whose work I have been a fan of for years, and I have wanted to meet him. One of the great things about this show is I've met most of the people whose work has made the biggest impact on my life. And I got to tell you, this man's at the top of my list. His work hits you right between the eyes, and I would categorize it as brilliant. I just think the way he phrases things and comes right at you with truth is very unique.

1:35:31And he's also been on the list of most requested guests for quite a while. The book that first impacted me was Un-F Yourself. I'll give you the clean version. And the book that he has out right now is Grow Up, Becoming the Parent Your Kids Deserve. And as I read this book, it wasn't just really about being a parent. It was actually really about being a human being, which makes you a better parent. so that if you're not a parent and you're listening to this, trust me, every minute of this will apply to you. And if you are a parent, there'll just be an added bonus because this man's work will impact how you're raising your children.

1:36:02Gary John Bishop, welcome to the show, brother. Ed, it's great to be with you. Thank you, brother. It's good to have you, too. So I read your stuff and I'm like, I've got to read that again. Crap. It's like it hits you, right? And I want to start out kind of because it leads to the parenting thing, even though I think the vast majority of today just applies to being human and not just being a parent, being a functional person. You said you live your adult life either as a reflection of your childhood or in reaction to it. I just think that's really a great place to start. What do you mean when you say that?

1:36:34I know what it means for me, but are we all sort of acting out of some place from our childhood every single day, even to this day? yeah i mean if you if you were to look in any area of your life that doesn't work there is some echo from your childhood playing out there and it's not always obvious because you know your childhood is isn't necessarily what you remember it's a lot of what you forget and so you're shaped by it in ways that are when you start to dig into it become really surprising and i think I think that's the fascinating part of it, at least for me. How'd that play out for you? I mean, I know you talked about this situation in the book.

1:37:16It struck me. I think you were four years old. And the fact that you remember this is compelling to me. But I think your parents were fighting. You're trying to get them to stop. And why don't you take it from there? I think this is just a good example of that. Well, I think, you know, look, if you ask your average person, tell me every moment of your life, they can't tell you. But they'll tell you some interest in bits. But, you know, for years and years, I, you know, I used to kind of grind away at me. Like, why do people remember that part and not all those other parts? And it wasn't until I started to get more deeper into my own development that I started to see them like little milestones or incidents.

1:38:01And so that incident as a four-year-old was fascinating to me. Like I remember the feeling. I remember that experience in the book. I describe it. And the feeling for me in that moment was I had no power. I had no, I couldn't change it. I was, so I was overcome with this. And you got to get for the little four year old, this is like wild. Right. But my experience in that moment was like, I'm weak. I can't, I can't do it. I couldn't stop them from arguing or fighting. and um that that that moment isn't just a moment for a child it's like a it's like a sea change in their experience of themselves i'd never experienced myself that way before it was new and um and then so those little things just sink into the background and they become what you call ontological decisions they become decisions that you've made now that you're gonna have to now handle because they they sink into the background and basically become your truth if you like and that was certainly one of mine that notion of your truth that's why by the way i always said whether you have children or not this is about being a functioning human to me i've never read someone's work i don't think gary where the way you said it i want to write down and remember it like i find myself wanting to quote you more than most people and here's something you said about that very thing on the past.

1:39:29This will rock a lot of you. And by the way, I agree with you after I read the book. You said, the past wins one way or the other. And then you went on to say, at another point, you say, you are not shaped by the past itself. You're shaped by what you said about it. Meaning to some extent, this past thing is a little bit of an illusion to some extent. am i right about that because i totally completely in my 50s now realized the profound truth in that right so like like this is why this is why this book had to be written like i couldn't put my head on the pillow for another night with uh getting this book out there because i keep hearing all this stuff about generational chains and you know parents oh i'm going to break a generational chain and i'm like you are the generational chain everything that falls out of your mouth you are the generational chain and if you want to break anything it starts with you and so i wanted to people see what we're trying to break with generational chains if you like it's circumstances so we're looking back old circumstances gone those circumstances are not going to happen again what we fail to see is the mechanism that runs underneath those circumstances from that generation to this generation to the next generation so you don't you're not working on the chain you're working on the oil you know you're making no effort at the chain the chain itself continues because like if you go back to that example i use in the book when i was four years old, my parents had no sense that that's what was going on in my head.

1:41:13And I had no sense at four years old that I was making a life changing decision because we don't relate to ourselves at four that way. I'm playing with toys and I'm having a good time and I'm doing all the things that a four-year-old would do. But in that moment, that experience, boom, it hit me like a wall. And so as parents, this is what I wanted people to get from this book. Like you said, whether you're a parent or not, you have to know that there's, that you had experiences in your childhood that you attached to various incidents and you live like it's about the incidents and it's not, it's about the experience that came out of it.

1:41:53It's the ontologic decision. It's whatever you decided, whatever you changed in that moment that compounded and lives on with you as an adult. So, you know, we've got an eye on all their own things. And I wanted people to start to see, like, you have to look at your life, your childhood, your parents' life, their childhood. And if you have children, maybe you'll get a little insight onto what's actually going on with them, no matter how hard you think you might be trying to guide them another way. you. I told you, everybody, I'm telling you, his work hits you. He, by the way, the way he writes to, he doesn't let you escape you.

1:42:32Every time you try to escape you, this guy's pulling you back to you. And I love that. It's like, there's just no BS to this. And so I want to stay right on this incident, this incident when you were four and this absolute truth that you're talking about. I always say, it's not the events of our life that define us. It's the meaning we attach to the event. And one of the difficult things when we're a child is we don't have the emotional makeup or experiences to attach. We're not really choosing our meaning when we're capable. We're choosing the meaning when we're incapable. And so do you then recommend somebody question their past?

1:43:08I know that you do, but I'm going to let you answer it. Do they question the past? And then are you having them evaluate an incident and then try to attach a new meaning to it so that they behave differently in the current moment because they attach a different meaning to an event? Well, what I'd like people to see is that your mechanism for adding to a situation exists to this day. Okay. So it still exists. What's a mechanism mean to you? What do you mean by mechanism? So it's like your automatic wiring. Got it. Your default is Heidegger, the German philosopher he would have called it your default ways of being okay the ways that you are by default and you know people don't wake up in the morning and decide to be themselves they wake up and that self is there yes right and and it's a set self it's not a it's not a malleable self it's like this that's me that i am now now when if you if you hang around little ones long enough especially like that age group like two three four there's no real self there it's just like this big expression right there's no there's no set way but anybody who's a parent will tell you they literally watch their children become set right they literally watch them like the age of seven age of 12 age of 14 and then suddenly they're just like that way and they're always that way they've always And they're always that way as a compensation to whatever they felt they had to overcome.

1:44:45That's why it's so testing, by the way, because, you know, like people can get through really, really turbulent times in their childhood and come out with a whole different thing than somebody who went through a very similar experience. They come out with a whole different thing. Why? Because they don't come out of the experience. what they come out with is whatever they told themselves about it and it becomes so tightly intertwined that whatever i told myself about it and the incident there's no distinction between those two for me as a human being they're the same thing right so again for instance in that moment I'm four years old, I'm watching my parents argue, it's about me.

1:45:33I'm not observing that like this is about them. I'm observing that like this is about me. Like I can't some, some self determination in that moment. What I want people to understand is, if they look back in their own childhood, what do you think those were just random moments and nothing came out of it? No, you're the living embodiment of what you decided in those moments. And by the way, when you make that kind of decision, that's why those memories are so fresh, so clear, that as to your life is about those little memories getting reactivated, those same emotions coming up and getting applied to situations.

1:46:10As I like to say, you know, people live their lives in little vignettes of fighting the same battle over and over and over, and then they die. Gary, you're on to such profound work here. as a friend as a brother i want to i want to encourage you to continue to dig deeper into this and that there's other but i'm serious i i've done some work in this myself and started to write about it and you're this is new and this is profound and we'll talk about those three stages in a second but it's why by the way a child can have the same exact two parents one child takes different meanings from the situations they were raised in and they have two totally different lives.

1:46:51I'm raised by an alcoholic father. And it ends up that all four of us turned out pretty darn okay. But usually you'll see one of the children goes on to be a high performer and the other one ends up being an alcoholic themselves. Same exact environment, same situations, different meanings were attached. And then that notion that you just said, brother, about that you're fighting the same battle over and over again with different circumstances, but the same battle. Listen to what he says in the book. I tell you guys, I don't ever quote books and interviews, Gary. I don't do this, but I want you to hear what he said here.

1:47:22Every day of your life, I wrote this down for me, bro, not for the interview. This is stuff for me, but I'm going to have it in the interview. Every day of your life, you find evidence for, and then confirm in your crevices of your mind, quote, you. You talk like you, walk like you, think like you, and react like you. Every single day, you are justifying you. And one of the main ways you do it is by reaching back into your memories to satiate that beast. Therefore, the past isn't just the past as evidence for you being the character that you've become to this day. The past wins one way or the other.

1:47:59Brother, are you serious? That is so good. I just want you to elaborate on that a little bit. Well, well, you know, look, when I say people are being self-indulgent, right, it sounds kind of narcissistic, which is another word that just catch time but anyway but it sounds like it's just you know like self-indulgent what i mean is we indulge self that is we get up every day and we respond to what it wants right so we respond to its upsets and we respond to its desires and we respond to its quote unquote needs so it's like it's it's i really invite people to get like who you are is more like a venue for something to show up and what shows up every day are the same noises and you just go along with it you finally see that you're the venue in which all of this is happening and and with with a little bit of like a shift like just a little shift in the way you think um you could get a little bit more observant of that self actually see what it wants to do and understand it in those terms and i look at it more like like it's just something i got to be responsible for rather than something i'm fighting against like either it's gonna talk or i'm gonna talk and you know i've heard all the shit that it wants to say, you know, I'm bored by it now, you know, stay on that.

1:49:30I, uh, man, bro, I gotta tell you, it's one of these conversations I'll remember a long time. I often say, and if you don't mean it this way, correct me and say it your way. I often say just the awareness of the pattern of me being me, it loses a lot of its power over me when I'm just in awareness. Oh, I'm doing that thing again. I'm doing me again. I'm doing that thing I do. and what you said is then that former you the way you just said that is not the voice that i can now choose the new voice is that what you mean by just being stepping back and getting above yourself a little bit and going oh i'm doing that thing i do again i'm being me again that awareness allows you to then make a conscious choice as to how to behave or change rather than to keep responding unconsciously.

1:50:16Right. So awareness isn't a stage that you arrive at, right? Awareness is a constantly unfolding phenomenon. Like as you're going through a day, you get aware of one default response and shift in that moment. I mean, I really believe, let's not believe this, I really want people to get this. In that moment, that shift that you make, you have literally changed the trajectory of your life in a moment. Now, because your life would have kept going along that path and you just were like, nope, we're not doing that, right? So imagine being someone who manages, I mean, to catch yourself a handful of times a day, just catching yourself to go in a direction that you know you typically do.

1:51:01And you're like, you know what? Not today. I'm not doing that. Now, when I wrote my first book, that was a nine-month, ten-month process of catching myself 30 times a day because the self that I am had no interest in writing that book and had zero interest in you reading it because, you know, I'd be open to scrutiny and judgment and ridicule and la, la, la, la, la. So the kind of self that I had become was going to make that a long process that eventually I would give up on and just say it's not worthwhile. And I would tell myself some nonsense like, I'm going to go in another direction. I see something else I think would be more powerful than writing a book.

1:51:46And all I did in that process was just catch, catch, catch, catch. No, not today I'm going to write. No, not today I'm going to write. And I wouldn't call it necessarily a struggle, but it was definitely like it was the first time I feel if I'd really exercised that muscle and producing something that went beyond bi-wiring.