663: You Need to Trust Yourself – Here’s How to Start

0:01Today's episode is sponsored in part by Revolve and Spectrum. Revolve is my all-time favorite place to shop for my dream wardrobe. Head to revolve.com forward slash gold digger to shop my favorites and get 15 % off your first order with the code gold digger. Spectrum business keeps your business connected with reliable service you can count on. Visit spectrum.com forward slash free for life to learn how you can get business internet free forever. As always, you can find all of our amazing deals in the show notes. Now let's get into it. okay I have been on this ruthless pursuit to purge any clothes that I'm not actually wearing like if I haven't reached for it in months it's gotta go I am trying to be really intentional about what I bring into my closet right now which means I am only buying pieces that I know I will actually wear and use revolve just gets it though I'm literally wearing my brown autri sneakers from there right now and my new suede purse it fits my laptop in it so it's basically a fancy shoulder bag that works for everything.

1:02I love finding pieces like that. Things that look good, but also work hard for my actual life. Their holiday shop is live right now with all the good stuff. Sparkly party dresses, cozy sets, cute gifts, everything you need for whatever is on your calendar. And it's all in one place, which makes shopping feel way less overwhelming. Whether it's a weekend away, a big night out, or a holiday party, your dream wardrobe is just one click away. Head to revolve.com forward slash gold digger shop my edit and take 15 % off your first order with the code gold digger fast two-day shipping easy returns it's literally the only place you need to shop from that's revolve.com forward slash gold digger to shop my favorites and get 15 % off your first order with the code gold digger offer available for a limited time so happy shopping when I turned 39 I was like oh hell no we're done suffering we're done and I asked like, where's all my suffering come from?

1:57Honestly, if I had to boil it down every single time, I didn't trust myself. I didn't speak up for myself. I lost a part of myself and I'm done doing that. And that's where that comes from. Hey, my name is Jenna Kutcher and I am obsessed with all things, business, marketing numbers, and helping you to navigate both the messy and the magical seasons of this thing called life. I'm a small town mama who took a$300 camera, grew a successful photo biz, and now I work from home and run a seven figure online business. I teach you the tried and true secrets to building a career you adore. Shy away from the real talk?

2:29No way. Money, hardship, growth, loss, and marketing are all topics we discuss here. Think of this as your one-stop shop for happy hour with a gal pal mixed with business school. Pull up a seat, make sure you're cozy, and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn. This is the Gold Digger Podcast. When Vasavi Kumar was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 19, She made it her life's purpose to understand how her mind works, starting with making room to hear herself think. Her mission is to share everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly, in order to teach a more mindful, practical, and simple way of creating your life.

3:08In this conversation, Vasavi is sharing her own journey through confidence and building trust with herself. It is something you can feel in the way that she speaks and shows up. She's going to share the lessons she wants everyone to learn about using self-talk to move yourself through resistance in your life. I love it when I get the opportunity to have a vulnerable, raw conversation with someone about these personal topics that so many of us face. So pour a cup of coffee or tea or refill your extra large water cup and let's get ready to get real with Vasavi Kumar. Let me introduce you to a podcast you're going to love.

3:45It's called The Shine Online and it's hosted by a former Gold Digger guest, Natasha Samuel, and brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals. Natasha interviews the brightest entrepreneurs to bring you no fluff advice, honest discussions about the mental health and lifestyle aspect of entrepreneurship, and actionable strategies and success stories of those who have mastered the art of shining online. Natasha just covered this topic I think you'd love to hear about. She talks about when you're ready to hire a social media manager and when you're not.

4:19Because hiring a social media manager isn't going to fix your social media problem if you're not ready and willing to show up and do the work too. Listen to The Shine Online wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome Vasavi to the Gold Digger Podcast. I am absolutely thrilled that we get to have this conversation today. Jenna, the feeling is so mutual. It is an honor to be here. Thank Thank you so much for having me here today. Okay. So one thing I absolutely love about you and something that I feel like just tethered me to you is that you love the power behind your personal story. And I just believe that, you know, as we start this episode, as we start our time together, I want the audience, anyone who is listening to know a little bit more about you.

5:06So can you share just a little bit of your story? Where does it begin? How did you get to where you are? And then we'll kind of dive into some of the specifics. Absolutely. So I grew up on Long Island, New York. I am 40 years old today. Not today, but as of right now, I'm 40 years old. And I am a first generation Indian immigrant. My parents came here from India in the 70s. My older sister and I were born in New York. So I am originally a New Yorker, born and raised. But the biggest struggle for me growing up was, you know, I was too brown for the white kids at school and I was too white for my parents at home.

5:42So I learned from a very young age, Jenna, I learned how to fit in everywhere. I learned how to manipulate myself to fit in and to survive. And while that's been a blessing and a curse, because I really can fit in anywhere. The part that I really want to emphasize is how much of myself I had to abandon in order to fit in. And so I've taken many paths to get to where I am today. Here I am today, the author of the book, Say It Out Loud, host of the Say It Out Loud podcast. I'm here with you sharing my story. I've taken many paths with cocaine, alcohol. I was four years sober. I'm going to be four years sober March 27th, 2023.

6:23I've been divorced in and out of rehab twice. And just, you know, throughout all of these different paths that I took, it's almost like my soul subconsciously chose these paths of almost like committing warfare against myself so that I would have to repair that relationship with myself, you know, and the one way that I have done that, which I know we're going to get into is learning how to talk to myself with kindness and with the same respect that I would give to other people. And I think it's because I have truly mastered that. And I feel weird even saying that out loud, like, but I, you know, I wrote a whole damn book about talking to the voices in your head.

7:03You know, someone who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 20 years ago, I had to learn real quick. So that's just a little snippet of Vasavi. I love that. So you just touched on this and I want to go a little bit deeper on it, but you shared that you were diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 19. That's really, I mean, a pivotal time in somebody's life. And I feel like bipolar disorder is super highly stigmatized. And so talk to me about what it's like to show up every day. You now have a public platform. You have a podcast. You have a book. You're putting yourself out there. Walk me through what that's like, what that reality is like.

7:44So I want to educate your audience on bipolar disorder. You know, if you read the textbooks and if you go to WebMD, they'll tell you it's a it's a fluctuation in moods. OK, you go from high to low. I mean, people jokingly say this, which they shouldn't. Oh, the weather is so bipolar. She's so bipolar. And what they're really just saying is that she's going from or it's going from one extreme to another. And while that is true in many cases, right, we go from extreme swings of mania, which can show up in many sorts of ways, some positive, some negative, or on the other side, depression, the way that I have really learned to thrive with the mind that I have, Jenna, is by harnessing my energy.

8:24The way I view having bipolar disorder, it's just this immense amount of God energy. It's creative energy, right? And that's why they sometimes say when you're manic, you feel grandiose. You think you're on top of the world. You have God-like energy. I feel blessed that I've been given this energy and I just didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to harness it. And I believe that every single one of your listeners has been given their source of God-given creative energy. And for all of us, some of us go from one extreme to another. Some of us have been able to contain that creative energy, but ultimately we all need to learn how to access that energy and channel that energy and put that out in the form of our art.

9:04So number one thing is that I want you to understand what bipolar disorder really is. It's not just swings and moods. Okay. And it's my job to educate people on that. What it's like for me to wake up every day, I have learned what works for me. I have learned what helps me stay calm, present. I protect my peace at all costs, and I am anchored into my purpose. So for me, no matter what is going on outside of me, anything could be going on inside of me. I have had to learn, by the way, I was forced to learn this when I was given this diagnosis, how to manage my mind, my thoughts, and how to speak to myself in a way that gets me up every single day to keep doing what I do.

9:46Show up on these interviews, show up on my platforms, write my book, whatever. but it truly has been for me a gift for me to understand myself and know myself and know how to speak to myself to keep it moving every day, one day at a time. Wow. So one thing that you talk a lot about, and I can feel it, like I can feel it as you're speaking is this level of confidence. I think it's so beautiful and it's something that people can experience. I want to know, because you have it, do you believe that confidence is something that you're born with or is it something that can be learned and kind of walk me through what that's looked like for you?

10:23I believe, oh man, this is such a good question. So it's a both end. I do believe that when we are born, we are born pure. We are born like completely untainted and just free and curious. And I believe we're all born with that, that spark of curiosity. Like if you just watch a kid, you can see that kid. They're so confident to grab this thing and go do that thing. And they may cry if they fall, but they get back up. I believe we have it. And then someone, something happens, says something to you. And that same spark that you had, that fearlessness that we had becomes stuffed, stifled. That's one thing.

11:02However, that does not mean that if you are not feeling confident today, that basically you're screwed. Confidence is a skill that can be built. And the way that you build confidence, the way I have built confidence, the reason why you can feel it, Jenna, is because my confidence isn't just like this braggadocious, like, yeah, I'm amazing. It's like, no, it comes from I've done that I didn't think that I could do. And I did it anyway. And I got the results. And even if I didn't get the results, I at least proved to myself, you know what, boss, you at least did it. That is where I get my confidence from.

11:34It's from lived experience of trying and trying and failing and falling and getting back up and making a damn full of myself and celebrating out loud and making mistakes out loud, but I'm still doing it. So I hope that answers your question. Oh, yeah. Okay. So this is something that you are like the perfect person to ask about. You kind of talked about it about this inner dialogue and the role that it plays. And so I feel like self-talk is one of those things that we have to be super introspective on. And it's something I've been thinking about so much lately, especially as a mom of daughters and just the adopted dialogues that they are getting from me specifically.

12:15Has your self-talk been positive? What has it looked like in your journey? And how have you kind of learned to reframe things as you go through life and experience new things? Yeah, so my self-talk, I will say that for most of us, you know, when we're born, we're not born with negative self-talk. We're not born criticizing ourselves. So I want everyone to hear this. A lot of times clients will come to me, people will come to me And they'll be like, what's wrong with me? I'm just so mean to myself. And I'm like, yeah, well, because logically we know that it's not kind to talk to ourselves in that way.

12:49But when we are used to hearing things being thrown at us and then we repeat that narrative to ourselves. Right. So if someone says to you, you're ugly and then you believe that and you say that over and over and over to yourself, you know, at some point, yes, it may have started because someone said that to you. but it is our job as adults to be like, wait a minute, I don't believe that about myself. So this is where self-talk out loud, talking to yourself out loud comes in. And this is why it's a skill and anyone can learn to master their self-talk and change their inner conversation. Because let's say you're looking in the mirror, right?

13:23And you're now practicing, you're on the say it out loud journey because you've read my book and you're in front of the mirror and you're noticing your self-talk about yourself, but you're saying it out loud this time. You're not keeping that inside. You don't want to pollute your body with those thoughts. You don't want to pollute your creative channel and your mind with mean thoughts about your body. So you stand in front of the mirror and you look at yourself and you say out loud what you're saying about yourself, about your body. And from there, and you can do this in any situation. I just bring up body because that's where my self-talk has really helped me the most.

13:57Yep. It's like, oh my God. And that is where my confidence comes from is how I feel about my body and what I say about my body to myself. And so anybody listening to this, y 'all, if you just look at yourself, look at yourself in front of the mirror, I always say the mirror is the most underutilized tool in self-development. Because if you can look at yourself in the mirror and be honest about what you're feeling about yourself and say that out loud, and even then in that moment of vulnerability, you say to yourself, no, I will not speak to myself in this way. I am beautiful the way that I am.

14:27I accept myself. And you may not believe it right away. You may not believe those words, but the more you look to see yourself with love and you lead with love with yourself, the more your self-talk in your mind will become a safe place to be. All of this, Jenna, learning to master your self-talk and being kinder to yourself is all because I want people to feel at home within themselves, in their minds and in their bodies. I think this is so powerful. And this always makes me think about like how we're not in control of our first thought, but we can pay attention to the thoughts that follow and redirect them.

15:06How have you kind of been in that journey of redirecting? Because I think that that's something that a lot of times we just let our inner dialogues run. We never pause. We never question. We never ask ourselves who gave this to me or where did this come from or what was the intention behind it? And so how can you kind of start to notice those first thoughts? And then how do you kind of reframe the follow up? What does that look like? So I appreciate you wanting to learn about the reframe. And here's what I want to say about the reframe to all my overachievers, just like me, I'm raising my hand.

15:39It is so easy for us to want to bypass over the feeling and go to the reframe. The reframe is very important. The self-talk really helps you with the reframe. But learning to talk to yourself, you also can guide yourself through that uncomfortable emotion. When you're feeling something, when you're feeling hurt by someone, maybe you're feeling rejected, you weren't invited to something. And instead of telling yourself, this is what I have said, because I'm like, nope, I'm not going to let anyone affect me. I've been like, oh, it's okay, whatever. I don't care. That used to be my mantra. I don't care.

16:08And that is not true. I do care. And so when I learned to be kinder to myself and the way I spoke to myself during those moments of rejection, of inferiority, of I should be farther along. Oh my God. I mean, like there's always some place to get to, right? In those moments when I feel it in my body, like I feel small. I feel like no matter what I'm doing, it's not good enough because hello, we could always be doing more in those moments instead of just being like, I don't care or get into workaholism mode, right? To be like, nope, I don't want to feel this way. Let me just stay busy. I say to myself, Vaz, what's going on?

16:42And I say to myself, I feel like an effing loser. I feel like I should be farther along. I feel like there's so much more I could be doing. See, we haven't reframed anything yet. You see that? But I'm just sitting with myself in communion. I'm communing with myself. And I'm asking myself, well, you know that you're not a loser, right? You know that you work your ass off. You know that like you're doing the best that you can with what you have. And I just want to let you know I'm proud of you. And I say that to myself, Jenna, and I say that to myself. And then when I start to actually feel love for myself, that is when I reframe.

17:17That is when I reframe. And I say, you know what, I guess you're right. I mean, I have been working really hard. And I've been going, going, going. And, you know, it's, it's okay. I trust, I trust that there is a divine plan in everything that's happening. You know, when we soften with ourselves, our hardened to perspective will also soften. Okay. So this leads me to this question, like how can somebody develop an inner dialogue that helps us instead of hurts us? Because I would bet that a lot of people listening to this show, their inner dialogue is belittling and it's not kind and it's constantly questioning themselves or their integrity or their beliefs or even that inner voice.

18:00So how do we kind of reframe that inner dialogue into this position of this helper, instead of something that is hurting us? I love that you said the word belittling voice. A few months ago with my therapist, we worked on, you know, we were, we use parts therapy, which is basically the philosophy that we have many different parts inside of us and disowned parts of us, parts of ourselves that we haven't allowed a seat at the table of our own life, which is why we show up watered down. We're not in our full self-expression. You asked a very good question. How can we change our inner dialogue so that it helps us rather than hurts us?

18:34Quite simple, y 'all. When you notice that belittling voice. So everyone I want everyone to notice their belittling voice. We all have it. It's mean. It is cruel. We all have it inside of us. Do not act. I don't act like I'm a saint, Jenna. I can be really mean. And guess what? I don't direct them towards other people. Guess who I direct towards? Myself. You won't hear me talking like that to anybody, but I'll talk like that to myself. So first thing is identify that belittling voice. Pay attention to how you feel. You can easily look at what you're telling yourself and which voice that is and which part that is asking yourself, how do I feel right now?

19:10Am I at peace? Do I feel fulfilled? Do I feel just still and content? You know, we don't need to always be high or low. It's like, do I just feel at ease right now? And so when you notice this belittling voice in those moments, just ask yourself, literally ask yourself out loud, is this actually helping me or hurting me right now? Say that belittling thought out loud. Let yourself hear how mean you are to yourself. I know that may seem like it's not fun because it's not, but how else can we change our inner dialogue if we do not hear out loud what we're saying to ourself? Because when we keep it inside, guess what?

19:45We can ignore it. We can say, ah, whatever. No one knows about that. Yeah, but you still hear it every day. And if you want to change it, say it out loud so you can feel how mean you are to yourself. And in that moment, be kind to yourself. Say, I don't want to talk like this to myself anymore. I don't want to talk like this to myself anymore. So we got to say those belittling things out loud to ourself. Because if you heard a friend say that, you know, say that. I mean, Jenna, what would you say to that friend? Yes. AI is such a hot topic right now. But how can you really use it in your business in a way that moves the needle?

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22:22Can you believe that we're already wrapping up 2025? This year was packed with travel and so many new memories. One of my favorite moments was our team retreat in Arizona with the incredible women who helped me keep this business running. I also recently took the kids to Nashville during fall break and somewhere in between I squeezed in a trip to Puerto Rico with friends. We booked some of our most memorable stays this year on Airbnb. There's something special about finding a place that doesn't just look great in the photos but actually feels welcoming the moment you walk in. That this feels right kind of feeling.

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23:34It's also reserved for me. And I feel like a lot of times, even how you're talking about like looking in the mirror, I feel like for me, that experience in and of itself has been like holding up this mirror of like, I want them to believe this about themselves. I want them to believe this about their beauty or their body or whatever it is. And I'm like, but the same goes for me too. And I think that's such a beautiful reminder. One thing that I want to know is, was there a certain experience that you remember where you first said something out loud, like where you had that epiphany of like, whoa, like this changes it when I just vocalize what I'm thinking?

24:12Wow. Actually, I, oh my God, actually I do. And here's what I want all my listeners to really hear this right now. Okay. It's that the reason why I want you to master yourself talk is because you will confidently show up and boldly ask for what you want. Because think about how many times you have wanted to ask for something, but you did it because you had voices in your head micromanaging you. When you learn how to talk to yourself, those voices, they're going to become a team player. I have a team in my mind. I'm a coach to all the players in my mind. Those are all the, that's the belittling voice, the insecure voice, the really excited voice.