751: Your Self Worth Is Your Ceiling: Here’s How to Raise It

0:01Okay, I have been on this ruthless pursuit to purge any clothes that I'm not actually wearing. Like if I haven't reached for it in months, it's got to go. I am trying to be really intentional about what I bring into my closet right now, which means I am only buying pieces that I know I will actually wear and use. Revolve just gets it though. I'm literally wearing my brown Autry sneakers from there right now and my new suede purse. It fits my laptop in it. So it's basically a fancy shoulder bag that works for everything. I love finding pieces like that. Things that look good, but also work hard for my actual life.

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1:15So happy shopping. We don't rise to what we believe is possible. We fall to what we believe we're worthy of. Like it's so true. Our self-worth is our ceiling. So I think for a lot of us, it's just been such a game changing thing to start building it. Hey, my name is Jenna Kutcher and I am obsessed with all things business, marketing numbers, and helping you to navigate both the messy and the magical seasons of this thing called life. I'm a small town mama who took a$300 camera, grew a successful photo biz, and now I work from home and run a seven figure online business. I teach you the tried and true secrets to building a career you adore.

1:53Shy away from the real talk? No way. Money, hardship, growth, loss, and marketing are all topics we discuss here. Think of this as your one-stop shop for happy hour with a gal pal mixed with business school. Pull up a seat, make sure you're cozy and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn. This is the Gold Digger podcast. Your self-worth is your ceiling. And this conversation today is going to unpack that. My guest today is a dear friend of mine. She's also been on the podcast before. She's in my inner circle. And I have watched her on this journey of understanding her worthiness and not just understanding it, but embodying it, feeling it.

2:33Jamie Kern Lima is today's guest and she has done a lot of things in her life. She's written a New York times bestselling book. She is the guest teacher of the life you want class live with none other than Oprah Winfrey herself. She is on the Forbes America's richest self-made women list. She's the founder of a company you might've heard of called It Cosmetics, a company that she started in her living room and grew to the largest luxury makeup brand in the country, which she later sold to L 'Oreal in a billion, yes, billion with a B dollar deal, which by the way, we're going to unpack in today's conversation about what she didn't feel when that happened.

3:12Now, Jamie has lived a million lifetimes in this one. She's been a Denny's waitress, a struggling entrepreneur. She's lived a long life and a journey of rejection. She's battled her way through self-doubt, body doubt, God doubt. She was actually given away at birth and adopted and has been on this journey of learning to believe that she is here with purpose and on purpose and for purpose and that she is worthy, lovable, and enough. And today we are discussing how you can truly believe that you are enough and how you can transform your life just like she is by building your beliefs so high that no matter what challenges arise, you push forward with the unshakable certainty that your dream is already on its way to you.

3:55And that when it arrives, you are worthy of it. Jamie's new book worthy is out now. You can get it wherever books are sold at worthy book.com. I got a backstage pass to early read this book and it is so, so powerful. Don't worry. We're going to link everything up in the show notes and the episode description. So you can order it, but again, worthy book.com, Get ready to be inspired. We are going there today. Jamie Kern Lima, welcome back to the Gold Digger podcast. Sales super teams aren't built overnight. They require unicorn level talent, hours upon hours of training, huge bottomless budgets, and the perfect mix of impossible luck and 24 seven work.

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5:16Are you ready for your sales team to reach all-star selling status? Sales Hub is a dream come true for sellers. Visit HubSpot.com slash sales to stop dreaming and start selling with Sales Hub. That's HubSpot.com slash sales. One of the toughest parts of starting and growing your own business is figuring out how to use social media. Like how do you talk about your products without sounding salesy? What should you even talk about? There's a recent episode of a great podcast called This Is Small Business that talks all about this. You'll learn how to reach your customers with social media, how often you should post, and how to infuse fun into your online identity.

5:56Speaking of fun, host Andrea Marquez is joined by none other than Kat Norton, Miss Excel herself, who somehow managed to make spreadsheet formulas joyful. So you know this episode has some great advice. The episode is called How to Create a Social Media Strategy to reach new customers and you can go listen to it right now, wherever you get your podcasts. This is small business answers so many of these kinds of questions, questions that all entrepreneurs have. Whether you're dreaming of starting your business, looking to take a part-time side hustle full-time, or you're a few years in and you're ready to grow, this show covers it all.

6:31Learn more about how to start and grow your biz by listening to This is Small Business, an original podcast from Amazon. Big thanks to This Is Small Business for supporting Gold Digger. Go show them some love on your favorite podcast app. I have known you for five and a half years, which is wild because I just think about how much of our lives have shifted in five and a half years. And you and I have talked about pretty much every topic under the sun from business to marriage to motherhood. Like we've, we've walked through a lot of life together, but I was shocked a little bit when I opened your new book and I was reading through all the topics that there was one topic that you and I had never really like outwardly discussed.

7:14And that topic was weight. And even just how we carry ourselves through this life and how we are so impressionable that our weight is tied to our self-worth. So let's start there. Why did you include this chapter in your book? And why is this just so powerful for women listening in the topic of worthiness? Oh my goodness. When we believe the lie that our weight determines our worth, when we believe that lie, it impacts every area of our life from our business to our relationships, to our joy. And you look at the numbers and it's like 91 % of girls and women do not love their bodies, right? The majority, over 80 % of girls and women opt out of meaningful activities, like connection with friends and family, going to events, getting on the dating app, even just hanging out in public.

8:09They opt out when they don't like how they look. And so Jenna, this huge question, like the, so the chapter, right? The big lie is, you know, and in worthy, there's over 20 lies that we need to unlearn lies that lead to self-doubt that affect our self-worth, which become our ceiling, our self-worth is our ceiling in every area of our life and our business in every area. But when we believe the lie that our weight determines our worth, it literally impacts everything. And the, you know, the chapter is like basically called don't wait on your weight. And I wrote it because I just had this huge aha moment where I'm like, oh my gosh.

8:49And maybe so many people listening to us right now can relate to this. But I was like, what has waiting on my weight, like already costs me in my life? Like, what does it cost me in my experiences I've missed out on? What does it cost me in joy and friendships and business and putting myself out there? Right. Because when we let one thing chip away at our self-worth, our self-worth is our ceiling and everything else. So yeah, it is this lie that your weight somehow determines your worth is a lie we need to unlearn. And when we unlearn it, it feels like joy and it tastes like freedom. And it is taking me over 40 years to over 40 years to learn how to unlearn this lie.

9:37And it's, I think, so, so powerful and beautiful. And I think I think at the heart and soul of probably everyone listening, they probably connect so beautifully and powerfully with you on this, because I remember years ago just falling in love with your content before we happen to meet. And the essence of you embracing just being fully who you are and celebrating who you are, I think every one of us can see something in that, that we also not just admire, but wish for ourselves and honor in a way. So I think it's probably one of many reasons so many people have connected with you. But I think for most of us, most people listening might fall into a similar experience that I've had, which is most of my life, I believe that lie.

10:30Like, I don't think I was fully aware of it, but I mean, I didn't go to certain parties if I had nothing to wear. I didn't want to be in the photo if I didn't like, like, I mean, on and on and on. And I just look at what has waiting on my weight already cost me. And there was a moment when my daughter wonder was one. Yeah. And I was like, you didn't wear a swimsuit for decades. No, I was shocked when I read that. Yeah. And here's what's wild. Okay. Like, so I've never even talked about this before, but I was cast on the episode of Baywatch. I won this nationwide Baywatch college search. I have the red swimsuit on running down the beach.

11:11I remember even in that moment, feeling like my weight determined my worth and having very low self-worth around it. And then, you know, in my career, right, I started a beauty company in my living room, build a billion dollar business from my living room with no money, like all of it. And the heart and soul of it, cosmetics is helping every woman believe she's beautiful as she is. And I believe that. And my rosacea, my skin condition, which is a flaw, I believe it's beautiful. I believe that. And the one thing I couldn't get over, not for anyone else, just for me personally, was like accepting and loving and celebrating my body.

11:50And so that's been one of the most difficult things. And it's been very recent, the past few years of doing a whole lot of work on A, realizing like what has waiting on my weight already cost me because as human beings, we're wired to avoid pain at all costs. And I think a lot of times, like when it comes to any of our goals in life, if for me, I'll speak for me. If I just go, Oh wow. If I work out and take care of myself and all the things and like, I'll feel all these ways. Or if I, you know, just stop waiting on my weight, I'll feel so much better. I'll be so much happier. That like idea of the pleasure I get isn't strong enough to make me do the thing versus like the pain of, Oh, but I'll be judged.

12:35I'll be this, I'll be that, and I'll just avoid it. But it was that moment with my daughter when I was about to miss out on swimming with her during her first time ever swimming. It was at a hotel pool. And it just hit me like, do I really want to sit on the sidelines, like wrapped up in a big cover up like I always did for the last 20 years and miss out on this moment? I'm like, and the pain of regret and then thinking about what has this cost me for decades. I was like, I'm done. And it was from that moment forward that I like will jiggle my cellulite with joy, knowing that it's not about me.

13:16It's about being an example of freedom for anyone else who needs that example in their life. And I was just sick and tired of what waiting on my weight had cost me. So, yeah, it's one of 20 lies in Worthy, my new book, Worthy, that I just I just think that because our self-worth is our ceiling, that so many of these aren't things we need to learn. They're really things we need to unlearn. How has it been for you? Because you have gone on such a journey. Right. And we've all been blessed to whether we're extra blessed to be your close friend or we're or we're blessed to be in your community, watching it online.

13:53and you've gone through such a transformation. And so even you opening with this question, I'm so curious, you know, about how it's been in your life and your journey, like tied to self worth or not with your body. It's so interesting. Cause when you, when I saw that you wrote a chapter on it, I like immediately went to it. Cause I'm just, I was like, we've never talked about this. Like we've just never talked about it. And we've each had such individual journeys. And I think that I've always just had like self-confidence and you talk about this and we'll talk about it in a minute, the difference between self-confidence and self-worth.

14:25But like a lot of women, when they look at pictures of them in the past, they can remember like their insecurities in that moment. And like, I genuinely have like loved my body at every stage. And so it's wild. Cause I'll like look back and I'll like, remember like joyful moments and not painful ones. And so it's just been interesting. And I love what you said where you're like, I've never been able to like tie the why strong enough to like back the action up. And I haven't either for so long. And I think that so much of our identity is in what we look like and how we show up. And so I really had to change identities in that.

15:01But it's so interesting, because one of the things I miss the most about the internet is showing up and talking about self love. And I feel like it's not as well received in the current frame that I'm in yet. I think people assume that because you've achieved certain things when it comes to what you look like, it just all dissolves and it doesn't right. It's a journey. It's, it's such a journey. So it's amazing. And I just love that you called that out because I think so many of us don't want to show up online. Don't want to go to events. Don't want to be in the pictures. Like when you were sharing that in the book, I was just like, man, so many women are going to relate to this because they're just waiting to become this version of themselves that is already waiting for them to show up right now, right?

15:45Like you got to just start showing up right now. Jamie, will you break down? Cause I thought this was so powerful, the difference between self-confidence and self-worth, because I totally agree with you that people just like intermingle these two things. And when they think about one, they just assume and blanket statement it, but you literally broke it out word by word of like self-confidence is this self-worth is that why was this differentiation important in your book? Oh my gosh, this is a life-changing concept. If people get one thing out of this, well, they already hopefully got a lot already, but if they get one thing out of the show, this is really big.

16:20I want to say one thing really fast before I forget, because you just shared something really, really powerful about that. Maybe self-love isn't as received based on, what physicality you are in or whatever. And one thing that just for everyone listening that I found so fascinating is I was having a conversation. As you know, I'm watching the Jamie Kern Lima show, my first ever podcast. And one of my guests was Chrissy Metz. And Chrissy Metz, who was on the show, This Is Us, shared how before she was famous, people would not sit by her on the airplane because of her size and how it's different now that she's famous.

16:58And we were talking about that. But the thing that I want to share that I found fascinating is she said she's had millions of conversations in the bathroom of people crying that come up to her at the airport or wherever. Most of the, like as many people that say that her self-love and her representation of self-love and how they've been impacted by it in terms of weight, she says as many are like size six or below that are as traumatized by waiting on their weight. And what's fascinating about this is that, and I think this is for everyone listening, when you look at the data and you look at how 91 % of girls and women don't love their body, over 80 % opt out of meaningful activities.

17:43This is a thing that no matter what size we are at, we believe this lie that somehow my body or my weight or my appearance determines my worth. And it's a lie. It is a lie that has cost us too much for too long. And by the way, not to go off on this Jenna, but when I think about it, maybe let's go off on gold digger, every person listening. Oh my gosh. If we were to quantify the amount of time in our life, time, time that we can never get back that we have used, like try to find something that outfit that works, trying to do this latest, you know, diet craze or this or that, or surfing, like the amount of time that we have lost dedicated to things that obsess about, about, you know, this idea that somehow our weight determines our worth is we can never get that time back.

18:40And the cost of that is just so expensive. And so I think it's just another great reframe as well to think of it that way and to know that if anyone feels like it's an issue for them, they are so far from alone and it has nothing to do with whatever size you are at the moment. And, you know, that's what I talk about in the chapter that your weight is irrelevant to waiting on your weight, right? The whole chapter is how do you stop waiting on your weight to live your very best life, whatever your weight is. That's kind of the big, the big thing. So yeah. Okay. So self-confidence and self-worth.

19:12If I were just listening to this and it was me at any point in my life before three years ago, I would have thought, how is that even interesting? Aren't they the same thing? What's the big deal? Why should I care? It's the thing. Oh my gosh, Jenna, it is the thing. It is the biggest thing that changes everything. Okay. Self-confidence and self-worth, they're both super important in our lives. They are very different. They are very different. And we learn this lie. Most of us our entire life from TV commercials, from how we're raised, from the questions people ask us. We learn that if we build enough of the things that bring self-confidence, then we'll finally feel enough.

20:01And what we don't know is when we build all these things that build self-confidence while they're very important and valuable, none of them build self-worth. And so for everyone listening, especially, and I know so many people listening to you will have this in common with you and me, that they are probably achievers and ambitious and all of those things. And for anyone who has ever like had this goal and this dream and this ambition and thought, oh my gosh, when I finally get that thing, then I'm going to be happy. Then I'm going to be fulfilled. Then I'm going to be crushing it. Then I'm going to finally feel enough.

20:39And then like, we work so hard, a lot of us for years to get that thing and we get it. And then for most of us, we're like, wait a minute, that did not solve all my problems. I am not happy and fulfilled. Why do I still feel like something's missing? Why do I still feel like I'm not enough? And so then for most of us, our answer is, oh, I've just got to achieve more. So then we go harder. We hustle harder. We do the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. And it becomes this never ending perpetual cycle to nowhere where and a lot of people spend their whole life doing this. You and I have a lot of friends that do this.

21:17You build all this self-confidence along the way, but you never have fulfillment because you never feel like you're enough deep down inside. And so a couple of things, oh my gosh, I want to break this down. If you're okay with that. I thought this was so, you know, it's so interesting, Jamie, because in your book, like there's just so many things where you like kind of separate black and white. And I feel like there are so many shades of gray out there, especially on topics like this. And so when you really explicitly like black and white it, it's like, oh, now I get it. So keep going. This is so powerful.

21:50This changed my life. This changed my life because I believed the lie that if I achieve enough, I will finally feel enough. And when you look at the data right now, that 80 % of women do not believe they're enough. 75 % of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. 73 % of men feel inadequate and not enough. Like I believe this lie. Oh, I got to achieve enough and I've got to please enough people. Right. And then I'll feel enough. And, and after spending decades doing that and still arriving at the next goal and the next goal and the next thing the world told me should make me feel like, uh, uh, I'm on top of the world and still arriving, feeling empty and not fulfilled and not enough, not knowing why.

22:41And it's because most of my entire life, I did the things that only built self-confidence, none of them built self-worth. So self-confidence for everyone listening, because I thought they were the same thing for the longest time. And again, let me just take a sit back. They're both so valuable in our lives. They're both so valuable. They're just very different. Self-confidence, while it is an internal trait, is based largely on the external. Your self-confidence is fragile. It fluctuates. Your self-confidence is how you assess your own skills and abilities, your willingness to try and go for it, how you feel you stack up and compare to others.

23:20If you're winning or losing at any moment, like how much of the world's definition of success that you believe that you have. They do studies that show the boxer who wins the match is automatically 30 % more confident. Our confidence is volatile and it's fragile and it fluctuates. and it is largely based on what's happening all around you. And when we see these ads or whatever our whole life that say, oh, once you get the dream car, once you get whatever that version is, the house, the dream house, the certain job title, the certain amount in the bank account, the six pack abs, whatever it is, when you finally get that thing, you're gonna feel enough.

23:59And in the pursuit of those things, we build a lot of confidence, but none of them build self-worth. So self-worth is the deep internal knowing that you are worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are, not as your past or your past mistakes or failures, not as your successes and your achievements, none of that, like exactly as you are. And your self-worth is rock solid. It becomes your ceiling. Your self-worth becomes your ceiling. And so and what I want to say quickly is that a lot of people worry, well, if I believe I'm enough as I am, will I lose my ambition? Will I lose my edge? It's like, oh, no, actually, actually, the higher your self-worth for me and you look at all the data, the more ambitious you become.

24:53Because, you know, like, oh, even if I go for the thing and fall flat on my face, it might rattle my confidence for a minute, but it cannot touch my self-worth. So you become so much more ambitious, so much more fearless. And the big difference is the higher your self-worth, knowing I am enough as I am, as God made me, like all of that, right? You have this unshakable-ness to you that isn't fragile based on the external stuff. So in a lot of ways, you become more fearless. And I like to describe it that your self-confidence is like the house you're building with like The rooms and the new art on the wall and like you continue building this house, but the foundation, your foundation underneath that house is your self-worth and your house is only as secure as the foundation beneath it.

25:48And so both are very important, right? And when we look at how do we get ultimate fulfillment in life, you need self-confidence. You need to be growing in something, which could be growing in faith or growing in a hobby or growing in something you're gardening. It could be anything, but we need to be growing. We need to be building our self-confidence and contributing to something bigger than ourselves. But all of those are multiplied by your level of self-worth to get your level of fulfillment in life. And really quickly, just because I'm so passionate about this, Jenna, this is why for most of my life I was not fulfilled.

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