760: Personal Update: I Started Therapy, Here’s How It’s Going

0:01Okay, I have been on this ruthless pursuit to purge any clothes that I'm not actually wearing. Like if I haven't reached for it in months, it's got to go. I am trying to be really intentional about what I bring into my closet right now, which means I am only buying pieces that I know I will actually wear and use. Revolve just gets it though. I'm literally wearing my brown Autry sneakers from there right now and my new suede purse. It fits my laptop in it. So it's basically a fancy shoulder bag that works for everything. I love finding pieces like that. Things that look good, but also work hard for my actual life.

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1:15So happy shopping. I am very good at logical explanations. And oftentimes during therapy, she has me get back into my body. And you know, I have such a strong gut instinct. I oftentimes it's clouded because of the logic. Hey, my name is Jenna Kutcher and I am obsessed with all things business, marketing numbers, and helping you to navigate both the messy and the magical seasons of this thing called life. I'm a small town mama who took a$300 camera, grew a successful photo biz, and now I work from home and run a seven figure online business. I teach you the tried and true secrets to building a career you adore.

1:55Shy away from the real talk? No way. Money, hardship, growth, loss, and marketing are all topics we discuss here. Think of this as your one-stop shop for happy hour with a gal pal mixed with business school. Pull up a seat, make sure you're cozy, and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn. This is the Gold Digger Podcast. Today's episode is a personal one, and it honestly feels incredibly vulnerable, but also equally important. Today, I'm going to be sharing about something that has been so transformative, incredibly life-changing, something I've been experiencing for the last six months, which is therapy.

2:34And I've talked about it and brought it up in conversation and in solo episodes, but I've never actually dedicated an episode to this topic and it feels really important. And I'm also just excited to kind of peel back the curtain a little bit and let you into this side of my life. And today I'm just going to share a little bit about what I've been learning about myself, things I've been working through, some of the mindset blocks I had around therapy in the first place, and so much more. So without further ado, let's peel back the curtain and dive on in. Ooh, growing pains hurt. And when you're a marketer trying to generate leads for your brand new business, you know the pain all too well.

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3:54Visit HubSpot.com slash startups to see how much you can save. That's HubSpot.com slash startups. So I want to set the stage a little bit at where I'm coming at this episode from, because it's kind of wild to admit I have never done therapy like ever until six months ago, like in my 35 years of living, I've never done therapy minus the time that we had to like meet with my pastor of my church before we got married a couple of times. And he was like the guy who baptized me. So a little bit different. And what's so interesting, and I want for you to understand before I go into kind of what I've been going through is just that, like, I never doubted that therapy was an amazing tool.

4:37I never doubted how much help it could be. Therapy has transformed people that I love. It's been an amazing, amazing thing for so many people. And it was really interesting when even thinking about this topic and sharing it publicly, I had to really ask myself, well, why, why didn't I go to therapy sooner? And I think that there was a piece of me, and again, this is vulnerable, but there's a piece of me that was like, nothing I'm going through is bad enough to require it. Like everyone has it worse. And like, who am I to need help processing some of these things. And so it's really interesting because obviously, you know, I grew up in the Midwest.

5:17I live in the Midwest and I don't know, I don't want to like put a blanket statement out there for this area of the world, but I feel like in this area of the world, everything is just more hush hush. That's just kind of how it is. And I feel like people are just more private with their lives, especially things that are maybe heavier. And what's really interesting is that no one in my immediate family had ever done formal therapy growing up. It was never something we really considered. It wasn't something we talk about. And most of the instances when I was growing up where I would hear about therapy were around like big T traumas, right?

5:58Like big things that people were going through. And then, you know, therapy would just be a part of the equation or like the healing. And so for me, therapy often, and I think maybe I associated it with like, this is like the final straw, like this is the last straw, not necessarily a proactive attempt. And there wasn't, I don't want to say there was no negative stigma around it. It just wasn't really a tool that we had in our toolbox. And something that I think is like really really important to call out before we start talking about this topic is just that like therapy isn't accessible to so many people.

6:39And I want to just be very conscious in bringing that into this conversation because I think it's so important. Like the average cost of therapy in the US ranges from$100 to$200 per session, depending on what state you're in. And unfortunately, only around 38.32 % of therapists in private practice are in network with any insurance panel, meaning that this$100 or$200 often needs to be paid out of pocket, not to mention secondary costs like transportation or childcare. All of these things really point to a broken system and can make therapy incredibly unattainable or unsustainable for so many Americans.

7:18And one thing that I thought was really interesting is that even with all of these challenges, 80 % of Americans in therapy surveyed by VeryWell believe it is a good investment. 91 % are satisfied with the quality of care they're receiving. And nearly 80 % think therapy plays a major role in helping them achieve their mental health goals. So I just want to kind of put some of that data out there because I'm very aware that it is a privilege to be able to go to therapy. And I think that that can often be a piece of the equation as to why people can't get the help that they might need. So here's how this all got started.

7:56So I was on a girl's trip with a bunch of amazing women that most of you know, last year, we were talking about like all the things we talked about business, but we talked about marriage. We talked about work. We talked about sex. We talked about motherhood. Like we talked about everything. It was like the perfect girls trip. And we were talking about all the things under the sun. And I remember my friend, Mel Robbins told me, and she like looked me in the eye. Cause I had said something. I said, I've never done therapy before. And it wasn't coming from like a point of pride, but I think someone brought up therapy and then everyone was talking about therapy.

8:27And I was like, I have nothing to add to this conversation. I've never done it. And Mel was like, I have the perfect therapist. She is amazing. I like, you have to, you have to work with her. You would be such a good fit for her. And so coming out of that girl's trip, I followed up with Mel and I was like, would you be willing to make a connection? And she did. And it was the first time that I had considered therapy and I felt like conviction with it. It was the first time I'd really reached I'd been on BetterHelp before and I got matched and I just never took action. It was just, there's still a block there.

9:00And so I feel like over the last few years, I've definitely been cracking open in so many different ways, which we'll talk about a little bit here. And I've also just been really like inquisitive about why I am the way I am, what kind of things have impacted me. Just like, I mean, there's just a lot, there's a lot to unpack in each of us as humans. So Mel made the connection. It was so interesting. because this was like in the summer and the therapist and I connected. I will never forget that first call. And she was just amazing. And I'll talk about how we kind of connected off the bat, but then she wasn't available for a couple months.

9:37And it was so interesting to me because I'd waited 35 years in my life, but now I was ready. And now I had to wait a few more months. And I was like, can I wait? Can I wait? Like, yes, Jenny, you've waited 35 years. You can wait a few more months. The wait was worth it. Anyways, what was such a blessing is that I know that like getting matched with the right therapist can be such a pain point. I've had so many different friends who just kind of gave up on therapy because they were with a therapist and they were like, they didn't get it or I didn't like them or whatever it is. I don't know why people don't like therapists, but I feel so lucky that I had such a strong recommendation from somebody I trusted and that it has been like a match made in heaven.

10:16And what's so interesting is that like, I think that if I had to hop around and try out different therapists and try to make those decisions and not really know like through the lens of what therapy is like, is this a right fit or not? Should I be challenged? Should I like, I don't know if I would have followed through. I really don't like, I don't like wasting time and I have a really hard time like connecting with people that I don't know. And so I'm just so thankful for my recommendation. So my point here is like, if you have somebody in your life that you love, and they have a therapist that they swear by, and if that therapist can be met by you, whether it's remote, or if they're in your area, go off of recommendations.

10:55I am so so grateful that I took the recommendation that Mel made that connection. And it's so funny, because I've uncovered through other friends who are like experiencing different things. Like I was recently at a mastermind. And one of my friends was there. And she said something that sounded super familiar. And I was like, do you know, and I said my therapist name. And then she's like, Oh my God, I'm working with her. And like, it's just been really cool to see how this one person is like impacting so many people in a beautiful way. And for me, it was really important to work with someone who kind of understood the zone that I'm in and like the scope of my work and just kind of like what that looks like.

11:35I know for me, a roadblock often, and I think it's just a lie that I tell myself is that like, nobody's going to really understand like what I do. I mean, my own like parents sometimes don't totally understand exactly what I do for work and things. I mean, they do their best, but I sometimes I'm like, I don't want to have to like explain this or I don't want them to not understand it and then not understand like the scope of what I'm coming from. And so it was really helpful for me to work with someone who works with people that are in a similar industry and position as me. It just made me feel like I didn't have to like sit there and explain it.

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14:15So one thing that I really loved about my therapist and still like I appreciate so much is that from the very beginning, like literally from call number one before I'd even hired her just to see if we were a good fit to work together. She really wanted me to set goals. And I don't know if this is a common practice in therapy, because again, I'm coming at this from like one lane of experience, but I love from the very beginning, she was like, what do you want to work on? What are the things you want to focus on? like give me a few different objectives that we're going to center our time and our energy around.

14:53And I thought that this was really powerful because I, for some reason in my head, and again, I could blame like the media or my misunderstanding or mindset blocks. I just thought you just like show up and you just like word vomit about your week. And I think for some people, that's what therapy is and that's what they need. That is not what I want or need. And so I loved that it felt goal focused, not in this achiever way, but like more focused and energized on like, this is what I'm saying is most important. This is where I need the most work. This is where I want additional support. And so I know that every therapist probably practices differently, but I just really appreciate that I'm able to like openly express and talk about the things that really matter to me and like the areas of my life that I'm deeply exploring.

15:45And so like, Like, for example, I'm not going to share all of the goals and areas that I'm working on in my life, but like one of them, and this is, again, very personal to me, but was establishing my values and like figuring out. And a lot of this, to be entirely frank, is around deconstructing religion and rebuilding my faith and trying to figure out the dogma of the church and where that sits with like what I believe about God. and how does this all intersect? And I don't, I mean, I was raised in the church. I was a part of Campus Crusade. I led a Bible study. I did all these different things in my life.

16:24And I think my vision of what faith is has shifted. My connection to God has changed. And it was something that I really wanted to work through in therapy. Like I just wanted to really figure out like, what were the belief patterns that maybe did more harm than good? Where did they come from? Where did they stem from? How has that impacted me or imprinted on me? And so like, that was one area that I wanted to work with her on, which was, it has been fantastic. It's been so good. It's actually been wonderful for my faith and really, really powerful and just helped me to like ask myself bigger questions.

17:01Another area that I wanted to work on with my therapist was just like, how do I allow criticism into my life? How do I allow it to instruct me? How do I observe it without absorbing it? And just like, what does that look like? And, you know, I think a lot of times we forget that, you know, everyone in our lives, it doesn't matter who you are, what you're doing, there's criticism, right? Or there's judgment. And for me, it's like, you know, the higher I've gotten quote unquote, like the harder it's also gotten in a lot of ways. And so I told her from the very beginning, like, I want to figure out like what feedback and criticism do I allow into my life and allow it to shape me?

17:47And like, how do I like brush off the opinions and things that don't actually speak to me and my values and who I am as a human being? And like, just working through that, like, that's something that I've done on my own and carried for so long that I want help in and I want tools around. And so like, those were two of the things. And I think I gave her like four main areas of my life that I really wanted to be working on. And so I just think that it's been really powerful to say like in this phase of my life, these are the areas that I'm working on. This is what I want assistance in. This is what I want to talk through.

18:25This is what I want tools in. And it's also just helped me get clarity. I think a lot of times it's very easy to set goals of, you know, business goals and launch goals and different things like that. But like to really say like, these are the areas that I'm investigating in my own life. Really great. One thing that I am obsessed with, with my therapist is that she doesn't just talk through things. She gives tools. And like, for me, that is so helpful because I don't want to feel like I have to rely on her or therapy as a whole to learn how to process these things better. I want to have like tools that I can implement where like I, again, am coming back home to myself and not feeling like I'm in another situation where I need to go through someone to get to a solution, if that makes sense.

19:13And so it's been really, really cool because I, I learned, I just learned so much. This is like why Mel was like, she is, I mean, she's dropped an F bomb. She's so effing brilliant. And it's so true. And so it's been so cool for me because I feel like I'm just learning so much. We were talking a ton about like decision making. And so here's an example from one of my therapy calls. So I had a therapy session. This was months ago. And right before my therapy call, I had had a call from my university that I went to. And it was from the chancellor of the university. and he asked for me to speak at the commencement ceremony.

19:52And I love my alma mater. I love it. I love the people. I love my experience there. And I was so I felt very honored. Like what an honor to be asked to speak at the commencement ceremony to be able to like pour into these students that are graduating. And so on the call, we were talking about just tools to help make decisions. And she's like, well, give me an example of a decision you have to make. It doesn't it doesn't matter what it is. And so I gave her this commencement. I was like, well, literally before this call, I got this, this invitation. And she's like, what percentage of you is a hell yes.

20:27And what percentage of you is a hell no. And I was like 20 % yes, 80 % no. And she's like, oh, okay. Why? And I was like, well, it was for the winter ceremony. I was like, it could be really snowy. I'm going to have to sit in the car for 10 hours. It's for a 20 minute speech. I'm going to be away from my kids. I don't really feel like driving my kids all the way there. like, if I go back, I want to like be able to like enjoy campus and see people. And like, it just wasn't a part of the vision. And I was like, the yes part is like more of like the ego and like being of service and different things like that.

20:59And so then she's like, okay, go back to the no part. And she's like, close your eyes, go back into your body and ask yourself, like, where do you feel it in your body? And like, when I closed my eyes on this specific decision, I could like feel it in my chest. And they're just like, okay, try to remember your earliest memory of feeling that feeling like it could be something so random, whatever it is. And for me, it was performing on stage during Sunday school, like singing in front of the church. And my dad would be in church whenever we performed, but he didn't usually go to church. He worked the night shift, he worked weekends, like, so it's usually my mom and us kids.

21:37and I remember that feeling of like being nervous on stage. I don't want to mess up. I want to do a good job. There's people's eyes on me. My dad's there. I want to make him proud. Like just when I unpacked that memory from my early childhood, it like totally made sense. And so she was, you know, saying like, and the point of this illustration, and I'm doing a really bad job of explaining it, but she was giving me a tool to unpack where your yes and your no comes from. And she's like, it's okay if you say no, but if you're only saying no, because of something from your inner child, you just have to have a consciousness around that.

22:14If you're only saying yes, because of something from your inner child. And so one thing that I've learned so much through working with her is that I am very good at logical explanations. I love things that are concrete. And oftentimes during therapy, she has me get back into my body. And you know, I have such a strong gut instinct. I have such a strong intuition, but oftentimes it's clouded because of the logic. And so for example, with that commencement speech, like I ended up politely declining. I was so honored for the invite, but just the timing and with kids and everything, it just didn't work.

22:50But it was a beautiful tool of like, when you have to make a big decision, like where are you feeling it in your body? Are you making it from your inner child or are you making it from like your whole woman is how she describes it and just having an awareness around it. And so that's just one tiny little tool. But I just I really appreciated having that as not just her working through it and telling me the solution, but really saying, okay, this is how you can work through some of these decisions. And it's been like so helpful. And this is just one tool of a bajillion that I've gotten through therapy.

23:23And so if you are fortunate to be in therapy, and maybe your therapist isn't giving you tools that you need, maybe ask them like, how should I be thinking about this differently? Or the next time something like this happens, what should I consider? And I think that it's just been really beautiful because I feel like every time I meet with her and we even talk through something as silly as making a decision on a commencement speech, I learn a tool that then can be applied moving forward. Okay, so shifting gears, but one thing I like never even thought about with therapy that has been so life changing for me on every level is that therapy has opened the door to have so much richer conversation with people in my life.

24:11I was just out to dinner with one of my best friends. We met each other freshman year of college. We've been like best friends for many years. and we talked about therapy and we were able to talk about things we were working on in therapy. And I was telling her, I was like, it's been so helpful. Like even in my marriage, instead of going up to Drew and being like, Hey, what do you think about this? Or like, I've been pondering this. And it's like, well, where the hell did that come from? I've been able to say like, Hey, in therapy, I was talking about this. And it made me really ask myself about X, Y, or Z.

24:42Like, what do you think about this? And it's almost like you can not blame therapy for opening the door on conversations, but it enriches conversations in so many different ways. I've had beautiful conversations with my parents. I've had amazing conversations with my sister. I've had really deep conversations with Drew, with my friends. And I feel like it's given me like a entry point into harder conversations or things I'm investigating because I can say in therapy, I learned this, or I'm working through this, or I'm asking this. And it gives you kind of that foundation to have those deeper conversations and without just being like out of the blue or somebody feeling attacked or like, why are you thinking about this?