836: I Set These Boundaries, and My Life Transformed – Yours Can Too

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2:01If your boundary will provide you more peace of mind, then that should be reason enough. And let me just say, I know it is so hard not to overshare and justify to get people to understand, at least it is for me, but you do not owe anyone an explanation or a reason beyond saying this is what you need in order to show up better in your life. I'm Jenna Kutcher, your host of the Gold Digger podcast. I escaped the corporate world at the age of 23 with nothing more than a$300 camera from Craigslist and a dream. Now I'm running a seven figure online business that feels even better than it looks all from my house in small town, Minnesota with my family.

2:39Here we value time as our currency. We mix the woo and the work and we are in the pursuit of building businesses that give us the freedom to live lives that we love. I've always loved turning big goals into reality, and I'm here to help you do the same. This isn't just a peek behind the curtain. Come along with me and my guests as we tear the whole curtain down. Every week we tackle practical, no-fluff marketing strategies and host honest discussions on what works and what doesn't. Join me and my expert guests for actionable insights to help you grow your dream business with confidence. Pull up a seat and get ready to be challenged, inspired, and empowered.

3:18This is the Gold Digger Podcast. I was recently on stage and I was doing a Q &A with the CEO of this company. And one of the main themes of our conversation was boundaries. And he had said that just through working with me and watching me that he had learned so much about boundaries. Now, if there is one lesson that I've learned in both work and life, it's that you have to focus on protecting your peace, your energy, your focus, your happiness. They all depend on it. But here's the thing. Protecting your peace doesn't just happen on its own. It requires intentionality. It requires courage and the willingness to set boundaries that honor your time, your values, and your priorities.

4:02But let's be real. Boundaries aren't always easy to define or to enforce, especially when you're juggling a business and relationships and personal goals. And I've personally found that boundaries are harder for women to enforce than for men. Now that's why in today's episode, I'm sharing the boundaries that have helped me to show up better, better at work for my family. And most importantly, for myself, these boundaries are tried and true. And even though I recorded this episode back in 2022, nothing has really changed since this episode originally aired. So whether you're feeling overwhelmed or you just need a reminder to prioritize your well-being, this conversation is your permission slip to say no more often and yes to things that truly mattered.

4:47So without further ado, let's dive on in and talk about boundaries. Picture this. You're at a party and someone asks you what you do as a marketer. Like how do you even begin to describe it? You have to generate leads, score them, contact them, create content, gather data, and tomorrow you have to do it all over again. And you also are spending time wondering if all that you're doing is even working. Marketers are spread way too thin, but HubSpot has a better way. With the help of HubSpot's collection of AI tools, Breeze, and features like Content Remix, you can turn one piece of content into a suite of assets.

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6:06So essentially, a lack of boundaries can negatively impact all aspects of someone's life. Now in the past, I've definitely been the person who takes on so much responsibility in the way of projects and clients and partnerships and launches, simply because I want to grow and grow and grow. But in the end, a lot of times that pursuit and that style of pursuit burnt me out just as much or maybe even more than it pushed me. And I have had to learn how to say no to things. Some things that I'm actually interested in, like I want to do because I don't have the time or I'm not willing to sacrifice other more important things in my life.

6:43I've had to learn to do things like outsource tasks that didn't specifically need my hands or eyes or brains to complete so that I could get out of the weeds of having so many things to do. And I've had to learn to prioritize what's most important and then ruthlessly protect those things and just focus on them. Even if it means sacrificing other things that I care about. And I've had to learn to keep small promises to myself because those compound and make a bigger difference in the long run for my own success, my health, my relationships, even my belief in myself in following through, in staying true to what I say matters the most to me.

7:20I wanted to steal a few lines from my own book, How are you really? And read you a small section about boundaries and burnout because lack of boundaries usually leads to one thing, which is burnout. So here's what it says. In case it's unclear, my burnout didn't happen overnight. Does it ever? It was slow and sweltering, adding a deadline here and an event there until my commitments had become a full on bonfire, raging out of control with little room to breathe. I didn't realize until it was too late, but I can see now exactly how it happened. Somewhere between shooting my first wedding and the night of my undoing, I had tricked myself into believing that boundaries were for weak people, whatever that meant.

8:02I thought I was the kind of person who could face the hardship of stress and exhaustion without having to do anything about it. I thought I could just power through a little bit longer and then I'd take a break once things slowed down. But things never slowed down because I didn't slow down. Every time that small voice inside of me asked me to slow down, I would tell myself it was just the temptation to give up, lose my momentum or cash in a break too early. Like it's something I had to suffer through to earn. Like it was a voice of pessimism in me. Well, I was an optimist, an overcomer, an achiever.

8:39Stopping, turning back, slowing down saying no, I wanted those options out of my playbook. I wanted to prove to myself and everyone watching that I didn't need breaks. I wasn't tired. I didn't need a rest. It wasn't time to sit on the bench. I read this to you because maybe you can relate where you want to just keep going. This idea of momentum is keeping you on this path of saying yes. Maybe you're believing in this idea of a big break and that someone is going to hand it to you. And so if you say no to someone else, you might miss out on that. I've believed all those lies too. But the one thing that has saved me time and time again are boundaries.

9:19I saw an article from Positive Psychology that provides this framework for setting a boundary in a way that will stick and produce the positive benefits that you desire. It's a four-part process and it goes something like this. Step one, define. Step two, communicate. Step three, stay simple. And step four, set consequences. So in other words, you first need to identify and define your desired boundary. And then you have to say what you need. And this can mean saying it to another person, if it's a relational boundary, or simply saying it to yourself, maybe write it down in a journal or on your notes app on your phone, or text it to a friend or partner if you want help staying accountable.

10:00Next is stay simple, which means don't feel the need to over explain or give all these reasons and backstories for your boundary. If your boundary will provide you more peace of mind, then that should be reason enough. And let me just say, I know it is so hard not to overshare and justify to get people to understand, at least it is for me, but you do not owe anyone an explanation or a reason beyond saying, this is what you need in order to show up better in your life. And then lastly, set consequences. And setting consequences might look different given the frame of your boundary, but it could include things like restricting relationships with people who don't support that boundary or finding an accountability buddy, or even removing privileges from your life to uphold a boundary.

10:42Like saying you won't go on social media until you've meditated for 10 minutes every morning. It doesn't have to be something that's hard or fast or daunting or scary. It can just be something that helps you stick to the boundary. Now I look at boundaries like bumpers in bowling. Do you know what I'm talking about? If you have a small kid, or if you bowl like I do, you probably understand this reference. But you know when you can pop up those bumpers and it helps keep your ball down the path. It keeps you from going in the gutter, so to speak, literally and figuratively. And the ball can bounce off of the bumpers, but it stays on the path towards the pins.

11:16That's what I think boundaries are like. It's like putting the bumpers up in your life. Because sometimes when we're left to our own devices, we just throw ourselves right into the gutter. We don't even get a chance to aim towards where we want to go. So let's jump into the 12 boundaries I keep to protect my peace each week. And I want for you to just listen to these and think about what this could look like in your life. It doesn't have to be the same as mine. It doesn't even have to be relatively close to it. I just want to share what I do and why. And then I want for you to ask yourself, what will serve you?

11:47What will put up the bumpers in your life to keep you on the path that you're on? So first, no cell phone notifications while I work. This actually drove Drew crazy today because he was at the store and he was texting me about what to buy for Quinn. And I wasn't looking because I always put do not disturb on. My phone basically lives in do not disturb mode for 20 hours of the day. I don't want notifications on my phone for things like emails or texts to suddenly pull me away from a task at hand and send me into this reactionary mode versus being proactive. And I even have to ask permission before texting on my team.

12:22We have this rule where we don't text each other. We don't use our phones for work unless we ask permission. And basically, I love that because it helps me stay in my life. Because at the drop of the hat, I might be in mom mode and then back in work mode. And I don't want to fear looking at my phone for fear that it would send me into an anxious spiral or remind me of something that I need to get done when I'm actually focusing on something else. So it helps like that. I don't feel required to use my phone for work. And it makes it so that my phone doesn't feel like this daunting, you know, extra limb, just reminding me of all the things I need to be doing.

13:00Because trust me, I'm a doer. And so when my brain turns on like that, it's really hard to turn it off. So do not disturb mode totally helps me. Or even sometimes I put it in airplane mode. Like when I'm recording, it's an airplane mode. And then I don't feel like I'm going to get as distracted. There's also that goes along with this boundary. There's also this app called the forest app. And what you do is you set an amount of time that you want to focus and it literally grows a tree. They actually plant trees for how much you stay focused. And so if you say like, I want to focus on a task for 20 minutes, if you click out of that app, it kills the tree that was growing.

13:35And so one, you feel this like utter responsibility to follow through. But two, you kind of start to notice how many times you pick up your phone and then you see the tree growing and you're like, Oh yeah, I was supposed to be focused. So if phone distraction is something that gets you try the four step. It's something that helps me and a few members of my team. Okay. Number two, speaking of phones, we do not allow phones in our bedroom. This is huge for Drew and myself. And this is how we connect at the end of our day. It's something we've been doing for years and years, talked about it multiple times on this show, but we noticed a long time ago, and I'm talking like years and years ago that it was so easy to crawl into bed exhausted at the end of the day and just sit and scroll for an hour instead of talking, snuggling or reading to each other, like whatever that looks like.

14:18And so we have gotten in this habit. My mom can attest to it because she stays at our house like once a week. And we like charge all of our devices, our watches, everything is charged in one little corner or one cabinet in our house. It's like a squeaky cabinet intentionally. And everything goes in there. And it's been really good for us because when we disconnect from our phones and our screens, and we're not tempted to like wake up and start scrolling in the morning, it's been really helpful. And if you're worried that someone's going to call or there might be an emergency, leave your ringer on in the other room or play with your settings to only allow calls from certain numbers to go through.

14:56So I've also considered like charging my phone in our closet so that it's nearby if there were an emergency, but it's also not like on my nightstand. And also there's like all these EMF things, but I won't get into that. Okay. Number three, I love using my Apple watch when I'm with my kids. So I've actually been talking about this to a lot of mom friends because I like to leave my phone in a different room, but then that way I can see texts or Slack messages, or if somebody's calling, I can see it on my watch. And I know this seems really small, but I would way rather have my kids see me look at a watch than to look at my phone or to be holding my phone in my hand all the time.

15:35They don't really know what I'm looking at when I'm looking at my watch. And so I just feel like it's a way less obtrusive way to make sure everything's fine. There's no emergencies. I can see if anything urgent comes through, but I can stay present with my kids. And it is also not tempting because you can't sit on your watch and scroll. So it's just like, here are the notifications, do with them what you will, but stay focused. And I know that Apple watches are not a small investment by any means. But for me, it's been really, really worthwhile. Not only that, but it has helped me stay more consistent with moving.

16:06I set things to remind me to breathe, have mindful minutes, things like that. And so it's just been this secondary bonus on top of being able to just stay on top of anything that's coming in, but not get distracted or suck down any rabble holes with it. number four is keeping my workplace calm and chaos free by turning on meditation music or spa music when I work I literally laughed at my top spotify last year because it was this mix of like zen and worship music two types of music that really just like call my nervous system truly when I listen to them I feel like I breathe deeper I focus better and I know it sounds funny but this actually does feel like this micro boundary in it that allows my headspace to remain at ease and peaceful.

16:49It keeps me breathing deeper. So even if I'm cranking out work or trying to finish something big on a tight deadline, I have on just relaxing music. Drew actually laughs a lot because I either work in silence or when I have music on, it is like just straight up spa music. And when I'm doing like work that doesn't require straight on focus, I actually like to listen to meditations on Spotify. And a lot of times just hearing like the subconscious messaging of like, take a deep breath or unclench your jaw or release your shoulders. It helps me just stay in the zone and like kind of pick up those cues to just stay relaxed while I'm working.

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19:11For a limited time, get 20 % off your first set of sheets plus free shipping at bowlandbranch.com slash golddigger. That's bowlandbranch, B-O-L-L-A-N-D branch.com slash golddigger to save 20 % and unlock free shipping. Exclusions apply. Number five is not feeling pressure to respond to anything immediately. I actually just posted this picture on my Instagram stories of a text message. And I did not even notice or realize that I had 218 unread texts. And I'm kind of grimacing when I say this. I know that is probably making a lot of you burst out in hives, but I honestly didn't even notice. And let me tell you, if you are an inbox zero warrior and cannot breathe calmly until all messages are responded to.

19:58You are just like my husband, Drew. I hear you. But you absolutely cannot protect your peace by always reacting and responding. And that isn't to say that I should probably check those 218 messages. I think most of them are like order confirmations or like dumb reminder things. They're not like actual people waiting for a response. But at the same time too, I've had to create that boundary of like, I do focused texting time, which sounds really silly, where I send out voice memos to people I love and check in on people and stuff. But I'm not constantly on my phone. And honestly, when I think about things like responding immediately, email is another one.

20:38There's a stat that 99 % of people check their email every single day. And most people check up to 20 times a day, which is bananas. But the best thing that I ever did in that scenario was set up an autoresponder that answers FAQs, gives people this idea of when they'll hear back from me. And I like people comment on my autoresponder game all the time. We just update it consistently. Like it's been up for years. So it's constantly working. And we update it depending on what's going on in the business and make sure I connect people with someone else on my team if something's urgent. And so I just love that because it's like, here's how we can take care of you.

21:14But here's also when you can expect a response. And here's who you can expect to respond. Because 99 % of the time, it's not going to be me. And so I love just setting those expectations and boundaries up front. And also anyone who has my phone number and text me, they know that it'll take a bit. Like a lot of times people will be like, Hey, no need to respond. Because a lot of times I'll circle back like a day later, a couple days later, and I've just released any pressure on myself to get back to people just for the sake of getting back to them. I would way rather respond thoughtfully 5 days from now than respond out of pressure in 5 minutes and not actually be able to think about what I'm saying.

21:52Number 6 is a huge one. I want you to think about this. Lead with a no and then be convinced to a yes. And now this might sound cynical. And sometimes, especially early in business, your default might need to be a yes. I want to acknowledge that. Like as you're building and growing, it's probably an opportune time to say more yeses. But as you gain experience and more opportunities come your way, the shift from always saying yes to it's not until I'm convinced it's a yes can be really hard. And for me, it took me hitting burnout to really understand this. These days, for me, I say no to almost any ask outside of my own brand or work.

22:33And I start with a no and just preface it and say, I've got to focus on my family. And these are my values right now. And me saying no is nothing to do with you and your offer. It just means that I'm focusing on what I say is most important. So for many, many years, I said no to pretty much every speaking engagement, brand partnerships. I've shifted my business over and over again to protect my best yeses based on my bandwidth in each season. And so it's really interesting because when I start with no, it's so different than when I default to yes, and then feel like I have to back out of something.

23:10That's like so much harder in the end. So if I start with a, ah, this is probably not going to work for me, but maybe share a little bit more and we'll see if it's a fit. It just feels a lot different. And side note, when I tell somebody no, I actually have created a bumper for this boundary and I made a template and I use it. It is so well thought out and intentional. I had to write it one time because I know that I'm a yes person. I am really prone to over committing because I want to make everyone happy. And so my template essentially says something like this. It says like, in this busy season where I have to choose between family and amazing opportunities like yours, I have to protect my best yeses for my family.

23:53Know that in me declining your request, this is nothing other than a way for me to live into my values. This has nothing to do with you or your opportunity. I'm so excited to watch you soar. And I know our paths will cross in the future. Best wishes and keep me posted on how it goes. And what's really cool is that the more that I do this and use this boundary, the more that people come back and they're like, Oh my gosh, this actually didn't feel bad receiving it. And this encourages me to deploy something similar. So maybe you need to create your own version of a template that you can tweak and personalized so that you can thoughtfully and respectfully decline while honoring your best yeses, the things that you say are most important to you.

24:37And one other thing that has been really helpful for me, I only read like one mothering book and it was bringing up baby. And there's this part in the book about lay pause, which basically just talks about when you put a baby down and you see them kind of rustling around a lot of times they're in active sleep and a mother's tendency, especially when you're sleep deprived is to just scoop them up. But a lot of times we're waking our kids up. And so in the book, it talks about this idea of lay pause, which means just watch and wait and pause for like two minutes before you take any action. And I feel like this idea has translated into my business where it's like when I get an invitation, I take a beat, whether it's five minutes or an hour or wait till the end of the day or the end of the week, I just pause and check in with myself.