876: The Wins You Don’t See: Choosing Peace Over Performative Success

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2:19of the noise. I'm Jenna Kutcher, your host of the Gold Digger podcast. I escaped the corporate world at the age of 23 with nothing more than a$300 camera from Craigslist and a dream. Now I'm running a seven figure online business that feels even better than it looks all from my house in small town, Minnesota with my family. Here we value time as our currency. We mix the woo and the work and we are in the pursuit of building businesses that give us the freedom to live lives that we love. I've always loved turning big goals into reality and I'm here to help you do the same. This isn't just a peek behind the curtain.

2:58Come along with me and my guests as we tear the whole curtain down. Every week we tackle practical, no-fluff marketing strategies and host honest discussions on what works and what doesn't. Join me and my expert guests for actionable insights to help you grow your dream business with confidence. Pull up a seat and get ready to be challenged, inspired, and empowered. This is the Gold Digger Podcast. What if the version of success that we see most often isn't the full picture? Like if you've ever looked at someone's highlight reel and you've wondered how are they doing it all? Or you've ever felt like your quiet progress somehow doesn't count because it's not flashy or shareable, I want to talk to you today.

3:40In a world that celebrates big milestones with loud applause, it's easy to forget that some of the most meaningful wins happen in silence. They're not always photogenic, but they're real and they're enough. I'm pulling back the curtain on how my definition of success has shifted from chasing the performance of it to savoring the piece of it. Whether you're quietly rebuilding, slowing down, or choosing a path that's less about optics and more about authenticity, this one's for you. Let's talk about the wins that don't make it to the feed, but shape everything behind the scenes. Are you ready? Me too.

4:18Real quick before we dive in, I wanted to kick off today's episode with something really special. In honor of National Small Business Month, I am featuring real voices from our incredible gold digger community. Women who are building their dreams and putting podcast advice into action, consider this your official permission to break a little. So here's today's small business spotlight. Hi, I'm Victoria Clark. I'm a piano teacher based near Portsmouth in the UK. And as well as running my own teaching studio, I have a special interest in helping other piano teachers grow their studios with their ideal students and to streamline the running of their business.

4:58I've created a safe place for piano teachers to connect and ask all the questions without feeling silly. The Gold Digger podcast prompted me to start my email list about six months ago, which is at around 150 members now. And thanks to Jenna's amazing support, I've learned to be myself, to connect with these teachers and not worry so much about doing everything perfectly. So I've created four lead magnets. I've set up my website shop selling my piano planner and I'm just about to launch my very first digital product, the Recital Planning Bundle. So thank you so much for giving me the confidence and self-belief to just go for it.

5:36If you are a piano teacher and you want to join me, you can find me on Instagram at victoriaclapiano. Thanks Victoria for sharing your heart and your mission with us. Now let's get started. I cannot promise that today's episode is going to be super polished, that it's going to be very linear for my brain, or that it's just going to make total sense. I am literally letting you inside of my busy brain and just something that I cannot stop thinking about lately. And I feel like once this seed was planted in my brain, it has infiltrated every part of my life. And so maybe today is just a way to verbally process it and to put it out there.

6:17But essentially what I'm saying is, is like, I hope you feel like you are sitting across the table from me today. And I'm just filling you in on the things that don't keep me up at night because I've been working on my sleep, but that I just keep thinking about that keep just persistently popping into my brain. Okay. So the first part of this thought is that we are living in this world that only celebrates loud wins. And maybe to some of you, you're like, yeah, duh. But to me, this has been something that I don't know that I ever really fully considered or thought of until recently. That the world that we are in and the way that social media has infiltrated our lives means that we are constantly seeing the loudest wins, the biggest success, the things that are able to be shown and celebrated.

7:14And we've said for years, like social media is the highlight reel and nobody sees your bloopers. Like I get that, that fully subscribed. But I don't know that we have fully considered what that means for us as people who deeply desire success, but who also may recognize that the loud wins aren't necessarily the success that we're after. Does that make any sense? Like I have been an incredibly public person since I started my brand. You know, I started showing up. I mean, I've showed up in my underwear. I've walked through miscarriages. I've walked through different health journeys, all publicly on the internet.

7:55Basically, I can say I've stood on the internet in my underwear, and that is fully true. And I have been a very public person and my success has also been very public. It's easy to celebrate big hurrahs, right? But one thing that is interesting is that as I've grown and matured as just a human being, not saying that age plays into this, but just maturity on my part. And also as I've been raising children, I feel like I have learned to really pull back areas of my life that just feel so sacred, right? Like I have ultimately gotten more private as time has gone on. And it's interesting to me because so many parts of my life right now are private because something my therapist said, the incredible Ann Davin said that boundaries are basically to protect what's sacred in your life.

8:49And there are so many facets of my life that feel so sacred that like the boundary of what I'm willing to share about those things has gotten bigger. And so there are so many pieces of my life that I don't share and that I don't celebrate. And honestly, that wouldn't translate over to the internet and the way that culture is that are the true definition of success to me. You know, it's interesting because I think that flashy success is so fun and it gives people this opportunity to come along the ride with you and it lets people know how awesome you are, which is exactly the coolest thing about success in that way.

9:32But I also think that for me personally, I can speak from personal experience, the flashiest successes in my life don't always feel the best, right? Like I'm proud. I'm proud of a lot of the things I've done. I'm so proud. And I worked really hard for a lot of them. But also like how I truly define success doesn't necessarily line up with that type of content. And when we only see performance, we forget that peace is a powerful win too, right? We only see the type of content and the type of success that constantly keeps us in a state of striving. And what has been really interesting is, is I feel like I have gotten way more introspective.

10:19And the more that I've thought about this fact that like we are living in a world that only celebrates loud winds is I've had to one call my nervous system to be able to truly enjoy and embody like the peaceful presence that I deeply desire. But two, I've had to unwire parts of my brain. And one of the biggest things that I've had to unwire is that for a lot of my life and career, it's been this like show and tell, right? Like it's been this thing where it's like, you know, my life is my content. And in my life, I can find amazing things to show and then I can tell people about them. And that works.

10:59In fact, it works really well. Like if you are somebody building a personal brand and you are like, this is it, or I'm following this influencer, they're so successful, they're likely basing their life and their content off of this idea of show and tell. And one of the things that I've had to get really conscious around is asking myself, okay, what parts of my life do I want to show? And for most of us in business, we want to show the shiny parts. It's easy, right? It is easy content, but it's harder to show the quieter sides of success. And it's funny because ever since I like had this like realization of like the only images being painted out there of success are the super shiny, super sexy, super big successes.

11:45Ever since that dropped into my brain. I'm like, how do we show the quieter success? And then the second follow-up question that I've been pondering is, am I willing to show the quieter success? Now, there's a part of me that is like, yes, show the quiet success so people even know it's an option, right? Like there's a part of me that's like, people don't even realize that this is considered successful or that this feels successful. Show those parts of your life because people only have seen the other side of it. But there is also a part of me that's like, that's sacred. And I want to protect that.

12:21And I want to put a boundary around that. And so I have been grappling with not how do I show the loud ones and not how do I only show the loud ones, but how do I let people in to the quiet, peaceful places just so they know that it's possible. And just so they know that that is also a version of success that exists out there. And the hardest part is, is that in order to get that scene, you have to cut through the noise and dang it, I'm sick of the noise. Okay. So that's my first thought. This podcast is brought to you by Mercury, banking that helps entrepreneurs do more with their money. Okay.

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13:36And the best part is it flexes to fit all types of businesses. Ready to see what powerful banking can do for your business? Visit mercury.com to apply in minutes. Mercury is a financial technology company, not a bank. For important details, check the show notes. When we were young, we dreamed of castles and fairy tales. And as we grow up, those dreams might shift into building something real, like starting a business. You need a website, payment systems, a logo, and a way to reach customers. It can all be overwhelming and confusing, but thankfully that's where today's sponsor Shopify comes in.

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14:54Go to shopify.com slash gold digger, shopify.com slash gold digger. My second thought is that success isn't a one size fits all definition. And I say anymore, but honestly, if we're getting really honest, it should have never been a one size fits all idea. And I often think of, and I have this visceral, visceral image in my brain from when I was in college, we had this one textbook and I studied business administration and public relations. And then I also studied economics. And the only women that were shown in the textbooks were women in business suits with like power, high heels on like corner office status.

15:40And that really was the only picture of possibility I had at that stage of my life. Right. Remember, this is almost 20 years ago. I'm aging myself. And I can like picture the textbook and the corner image and the woman in the power suit and the high heels. And like, that was what success looked like. That's how it was painted. And I have had to come to the realization the hard way. And maybe you're like, Jenna, you're an idiot. I knew this all along, but I've had to unpack and repackage what is success for me and not this overall grand sweeping statement of what is success, right? Like that just feels so big and impossible to answer.

16:21But what is success for me right now in the season? I know I'm being successful when, finish the statement, and really leaning on, okay, what does success look like for me right now in this stage of life, whether it is raising babies, whether it is building the business, whether it is scaling, whether it is scaling back. And so it was interesting because I just got back from an amazing weekend with incredible women. And we were in Nashville and it was like this very happenstance meetup where we all ended up being in the same city at the same time. There's five of us. And it was just the best group of people ever.

16:59It felt like a warm hug. That's how I can describe it. And it was really interesting to me because being in this group and being with these women, I realized that my definition of success has changed a lot over the years and that what I define as successful in my life right now might not be aligned with other people that I admire and respect and that I am okay with it. Like I have no problems with it. And we had just such an amazing day, like brainstorming and breaking down problems and talking through things. and the biggest thing that I wanted to talk through was one being okay with my definition of success not even asking for permission but like walking through like what does this look like but two just understanding the other lens of hustle culture and the part that it's played in my success right like I have to acknowledge that a lot of the success I'm reaping today came from those years of working really hard and being very devoted to my company.

18:02I don't necessarily know that I'd be in a place where like I can have this fully different version of success if I hadn't had those years. And I think it'd be silly to pretend like that didn't play a role. But I also think that looking back, I could have had a different definition of success in the journey, different, you know, pinpoints in my map, so to speak, to keep me in alignment, to save me from burnout and also to help me not hit milestones and ask myself the question of like, is this all there is? Or is this what I was working so hard for? Is this it? Because I don't know if you've ever had those moments, but I have had a lot of them where I set the goal and I achieve the thing and all it has left me wondering is, is this it?

18:52Am I supposed to feel different right now? I thought this would feel so different. And so there's a really great quote that comes from Start With Why. And the quote is this, those who truly lead are able to create a following, not because they have to, but because they want to. And I think that culture has shifted our idea of how we show success and what is shiny and what will quote perform well with this deeper desire to get so many eyes on us and to like, you know, reach the masses. And one thing that I felt as a colossal shift in myself is like the way that social media is going and the way that I see it moving forward.

19:32And I feel like I've been pretty good at like vision casting, like here's the direction it's going. I have struggled with the direction it's going. I feel like it is the people that are the loudest, the people that are the noisiest, the people that are leveraging click bait, the people that are making you like stop and be like, what? Those are the people that are winning on social. And I have to ask myself, is this a place that I want to be on in this way? Because if you look at me and like my book, How Are You Really? I hate small talk. And I feel like small talk is winning on social. And I feel like we're not able to even cut through the noise to get to the real stuff because it's just so surface level.

20:14And so my point is, is that success isn't one size fits all. And when I left that mastermind this weekend, I recognized that all five of us women had very different definitions of success, had very different ways that we viscerally felt being successful. And we each had our own individual path on what it takes to get to where we want to go and if we're willing to do what it takes. And I just want to encourage you, if you are only looking at one or two North stars out there saying, this is success, they are successful and I want what they have, I would really challenge you to close your eyes and ask yourself, what is success for me right now in this season and stage of life?

21:00How do I know I'm being successful and what do I want it to feel like? Because most of how we're approaching success today is about what it looks like and how it can be clapped for and how it can be shown. And not enough of how we're defining success is about how we want our lives to feel ultimately. How we want to feel when we go to bed at the end of the day and we rest our head. how we want to feel when we're in the presence of the things that we say matter the most. So I just want to give you permission. And again, if you're like, Jenna, I know this, your season of life or your stage of business might not look like someone else's.

21:42And that is okay. It's not only okay, it's essential. Like your journey is your own. And if you are comparing yourself to someone who has an entirely different life or an entirely different support system or entirely different needs, it's no wonder you feel like you're falling flat or you're not successful. And so hold the ruler up to your own life, not somebody else's. And again, remember point number one, that the only way we're really being fed success these days is through the loud and the sexy and the noisy. And there's a lot of quiet success happening behind the scenes that cannot be seen, that cannot be explained, that cannot be felt by anyone other than the person and experiencing it.

22:25And I would argue that a lot of those moments happen not in the presence of screens or phones. And so of course they're not being shown. Okay. Point number three is this, and I've started talking about it, but let's dive in deeper. I feel like the internet right now feels like the noisiest bar. And I also feel like I am the grandma who wants to be in bed by 9 p.m. with my cute little matching PJ set on and some oil on my face. I want to step outside of the bar. I would rather be in a library, to be honest. And I just feel like the internet right now feels like a lot of half conversations that are lacking depth.

23:09And I want to explore. And I think a question I'm asking myself is like, how can I intentionally choose quieter rooms where I can go deeper, not wider. And it's interesting because like in my life, like if I sit down with my group of friends, like we literally covered the gamut of every type of conversation. We talk about marriage. We talk about parenting. We talk about politics. We talk about socioeconomic problems in our city. We talk about the school. We talk about, I mean, we talk about everything, health, you name it, we cover it. And I just feel like on social media right now, it is so hard, One, not to be discouraged because engagement is at an all-time low across the board.

23:51So no, it's not just you. But two, if you can see the strategies that are working, but they don't resonate in your body and they don't align with how you want to show up, I just want to say, one, you're not alone. But two, it's not just you. And one thing that I think has helped me to be successful in my life and in my business is I have had the ability to reverse engineer things. Yeah, not like this earth shattering thought here, Jenna, but let me give you an example. When I became a wedding photographer, I think one of the gifts, one of the secret sauce things that I had was I could look at a beautiful pose on a wedding blog or in a wedding magazine and I could think to myself and ask myself, okay, what direction did that photographer give those clients to end up in a pose that looks so authentic and genuine, right?

24:43I have always been good at reverse engineering. If I see somebody else being successful, I'm like, okay, let me go backwards and follow the steps and see if I'm willing to do what it takes to do what they did. And right now I feel like I can look at the internet and I can see what it takes to be super successful on the internet. And I just don't know that I'm willing to play that game. Like I can see where the game is going and I am someone who is on the sidelines questioning, do I want to play the game in that way anymore? It's scary, right? Like this is coming from a creator who's been creating for over a decade, sharing nearly daily, if not daily for that long.

25:23And it's interesting because this is in alignment with this topic because I just feel like I want to choose presence in my life over performance. I don't want to be going to bed being like, I didn't post today. What can I put up there? What can I get out there? It's not stepping back for me. It is like stepping into what matters. It's interesting because you've probably seen a huge shift in me, right? You have seen this girl who goes from, I mean, you might have whiplash. You might be like, who are you? I'm still figuring that out myself. But I will say that since becoming a mom and just like, especially over the last few years, getting established in our home, like leaning on loving the land we live on, doing things like planting a garden and getting chickens and creating and make baking sourdough.

26:16I get it. You're like, who is this woman? But what's interesting to me is like, when I think about this metaphor of like the internet feels like a noisy bar and I want to get outside, that is true both on the internet and in my life. Like the other day I had a masterclass and usually before masterclasses, I'm like feverishly like typing on my computer and like getting in the zone, all these things. All I wanted to do was go sit outside and literally touch grass and watch my chickens and water my plants and just like get grounded in reality. Like the internet is not real life. And I had this moment of like, this is what fuels my soul.

26:55This is what feeds me. And if I can just show up in a way that is about presence and not just performance, if I can just like put my thoughts and my heart out there into the world, and if it only resonates with 10 people, that is 10 people that I touched. If I can really step into what matters, it doesn't matter if it looks like I'm stepping back, right? Like, and these are all things that I'm literally just thinking. Like there's no plan here. There's no strategy. I can't walk you through the system to do this because I haven't done it myself. But these are just the thoughts that I've been thinking.

27:30The internet is not a place where I want to be. It's definitely not a place I would ever want my children to be. And so if I'm saying I want what's best for my kids, and I'm saying I don't want you growing up in this world where there are algorithms guessing and deciding what you like and where the algorithm them knows you better than your family members or your best friends. Like I also don't want that for myself, right? Like I feel like parenting is this huge mirror of like, eat your fruits and veggies. And then like, whoa, Jenna Kutcher, have you eaten your fruits and veggies today? Like it is this mirror of like, I want what is absolutely best for my children.