897: Hustle Culture Lied to You. What High Achievers Are Afraid to Admit

25:25You don't get stuck in the past. So it's very simple. The five V's. I wanted to make it simple enough so that children could do it. So that families could do it. As a mom, I'm like, yes, I'm loving this. It's so good. And it has to be rooted in science. And that's the thing. A lot of times we don't understand how basic science, it's so easy to understand, but we think it has to be so complex. But again, we're chasing these things that don't make sense when we're missing out on the basic points of joy that are right in front of us every single day. Oh my gosh. I'm obsessed with this. And I am listening through the lens of myself, but also I have two daughters, six and three.

26:07And even this morning, one of my daughters is just a deep feeler. She's always just been like this deep feeling child. It's so beautiful. I love that part of her. And today she was feeling disappointed in something. And we sat on the floor and I asked her, I said, what are you feeling? And she was able to name it. I said, where do you feel it in your body? Because I also just feel like too, it's like, she was like in my chest. And I was like, that's where I feel things a lot too. And I was like, we did deep breaths and I was like, get back into your body. Like you're safe in your body, but it was such an experience of like, when we know better, we can do better.

26:40And there's so much information out there, but I love how you took this because it's easy to apply. I think there's no lack of information. There's lack of application of the information. And so I think it's just such a beautiful way to do that. And I like the five fingers. I think that can help all of us. One thing I'm so curious about is your take on resiliency. So before I became an entrepreneur. I worked for a company. And one of the things that they often talked about was the ability to be resilient and adaptable. And so how can we kind of tell, especially as entrepreneurs, the difference between being strong and being stuck in survival mode?

27:18Like how resilient should we be? Is this something we should be aiming for? Is this something that we've been told we need to be and we're doing it too much? I think people confuse the two, I think they think that a resilient person is someone who is like doing a hundred things at once. But for me, what I've learned over time is that the people I admire the most are the ones who are able to tap into joy and be calm. There's like a peace about them. And I started noticing this a lot when I traveled. I'd see these gurus and these leaders. They didn't have much. They weren't impressive in terms of the materialistic accumulation.

27:58but their power was so quiet. Like they had so much peace and they were joyful. You know, you would think like, oh, you have like nothing to your name. You know, you have a mat, bread and water, but you're just like peaceful. It's really hard to access joy when you're stressed. You know, I know so many powerful people, but they are so stressed. They're doing a gazillion things at once and there's no inner peace and they can't quiet their brain. So they're constantly running. They're constantly restless. And so when I mark resilience, I ask people, are you able to sit still and feel peaceful? And when you are in a crisis, how do you deal with that?

28:42And you'll notice a difference. People who are in crisis, they just go off the rails. But the ones who are really strong, really resilient, they're quiet, they're thoughtful, they're at peace. They know that no matter what, it's going to be okay. And those people are very hard to find. They're not in these high powered spaces that we're accustomed to seeking. They're just not. Finding these leaders that are not instilling fear, that are not acting out of fear, they're just like a diamond. And so when I'm working with my, I like to go back to parents and children, because that's a power dynamic a lot of people understand because it's a very common one.

29:26When working with parents and children, you know, you have to be the change you want to see. And many times when I see kids, a lot of times they're dysregulated, there are problems happening or else you don't end up in a child psychiatrist's office, right? But the parents have to be that mirror for that child. When things are chaotic, they have to show that we're going going to be okay. This is what we're going to do. There's safety in that routine, you know? And when I treat adults, you know, I view them as big kids, right? Big children in a big body. Yes. So many of the patterns that are problematic for them at this time in their lives, you know, it started at a younger age.

30:08Maybe they didn't have the best attachments. Maybe they had, you know, this idea that you had to be a certain way in order to get ahead. And it's creating problems in their current relationships and they're not able to tap into joy. So we're doing a lot of reparenting between the two of us in our sessions. And so I ask people, you know, how do you access your joy? What are the obstacles getting in the way of your joy? And that's where we usually start because we're not taught that way. We're not programmed to think, Like, wait, how can I even understand how to be happy if I don't understand what's the unhappiness?

30:45Where is that coming from? We're just taught, oh, like chase happy, do this, do that. But we don't even understand what's making us unhappy. And we don't honor the fact that there's only one us. There's only one you. There's only one me ever in the future of the universe, in the history of the universe. So take the time to understand you. What is it that's making you unhappy? What's pulling away from your joy? And then you know how to add back to that joy. you know? So it's a very individualized approach. Again, it's simple. I wish I could say it was rocket science, but often leave the simple on the table.

31:20You know, I only share stuff I'm genuinely obsessed with. And so when I kept seeing Bolin brand sheets all over Instagram, I was like, okay, are these actually worth the hype? Drew and I have been using their sheets and duvets for over a year now. And honestly, our bedroom feels like a completely different space. the moment you touch these sheets you'll get it they're incredibly soft to start but they literally get softer every time you wash them they're made from 100 organic cotton so they're super durable and they're breathable which is perfect for piling on cozy layers without turning into a furnace at 2 a.m this is hands down the best bedding i've slept on and i'm so genuinely excited for you to try it start building your sanctuary of comfort this fall with bowl and branch for a limited time get 20 off your first set of sheets plus free shipping at bowl and branch.com slash gold digger that's bowl and branch b-o-l-l-a-n-d branch.com slash gold digger to save 20 and unlock free shipping exclusions apply anyone who knows me knows that i'm all about creating spaces where people actually want to be so when we started hosting on airbnb it it honestly felt like the most natural thing in the world.

32:31And it's turned into one of the best decisions we've ever made. Over the years, we've hosted hundreds of couples in our little spaces. We've had so many repeat guests come back and we've created this incredible community, not just with our guests, but also with the people who help us care for our space. Whether you've bought properties as an investment or have unused rooms waiting to be shared, hosting on Airbnb is a practical and profitable choice. And just think about it. If you've put a ton of time, effort, and work into your home, someone out there probably would love to experience it while they're traveling.

33:03So next time you're planning a trip or want to make some extra income from your spaces, you should definitely host on Airbnb. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. You are like speaking straight into my heart. So to give you slight context, I went on a joy journey last year. So I have two daughters, they're six and three. And I felt like I was kind of coming out of the weeds of those early days, right? My bandwidth was expanding a little bit. My sleep was getting a little bit better. And I remember I had this moment last year where I was like, what do I love to do outside of work in motherhood, right?

33:45Like who am I as a human, as an individual soul outside of these two things? And I went wild experimenting within the parameters of like learning how to bake sourdough bread in a community ed class in a church basement. And we planted a garden for the first time. Now we have chickens. The farms is growing. We're fostering animals. We're doing all of these things. And And for me, it took that I wanted my work to be the most boring piece of my life. I wanted to show up to a conversation and not talk about what happened at work or what I'm working on, but what do I love to do? And I'm sure you see this too.

34:27I love just being around passionate people. I don't care if I have zero interest, if they're into fly fishing and I know nothing about it. When you are with somebody that has joy, it is so contagious, right? Like I could listen to somebody speak about something they're joyful about, even if I have no interest in it, because there's just like it's a higher frequency or something. I mean, maybe it is. Tell me. Is that true? It is true. You know, joy is contagious in the way that anhedonia, a lack of joy is contagious. And you know, when you walk in, I go to a lot of workplace settings, you walk in and you can tell right away.

35:05Yeah, you can tell right away if the leader is joyful. because if people are like, and they're like grumpy and they're slow and they're like, oh, and they're shaking, then you know, that's not a happy workplace. It's just not joyful. But if you walk in and they're like, Hey, how are you doing? Oh yeah. Come over here. Or how can I help you? You know, that leader is joyful, right? It spreads the same for families. Yeah. You know, when you're in families where the parent is overcommitted, usually the kids overcommitted, usually the partners over, you know, like everyone's like busy bees. They don't connect They're just not into each other.

35:39There's no sense of a purpose, right? But then you walk into families where they are, they really know who they are. They're connected. They're joyful. It's palpable, right? It is contagious and not in the way that a virus is, right? It's not in the way that a cold is, but in the way that cultures can be contagious. And it's really important to invest in joy because studies show that joyful people are healthier physically. They have better relationships, better outcomes in their jobs. And they're more likely to give back to their communities. They're more likely to see a problem and fix it. People used to think, oh, it's like disgruntled, unhappy people who fix problems.

36:21No, no, no. It's people who are joyful because they want that joy to spread. So it's worth it to do what you did. tap into, okay, what really brings me meaning and purpose? You recognize the problem, but a lot of people don't. A lot of people say, well, especially in my field in mental health, they'll say, well, we're trying to identify people who are like hopeless or suicidal or sad. We're not in the business of cultivating joy. And I think that's a big error on our part. I think we need to start focusing on joy because joy has always been a form of resilience, of survival for human beings and joyful people, they literally change the world for the better.

37:01So we have to prioritize joy. It is a survival, but not just individually, but for our entire community. Oh, I love that. And as you said that, I was like, yes, in the last year, I got involved in our local soup kitchen. Now I'm getting involved in the school. It's like, I feel like my time expanded when I made space for it. And I think the argument that so many people have that they don't have time for that is faulty thinking. Now here, since you're an expert, I want to ask you something. So I have ADHD diagnosed and I have found that when I have the ability to funnel some of my energy into things like gardening or chopping vegetables at the soup kitchen, my thoughts are actually straighter because I'm almost subconsciously busy in a way that allows me to have more of a single line of thought, but I also feel like it has unlocked my creativity in my work, right?

37:57So the argument that we have against taking time to have hobbies and joy outside of work, I think is the wrong one. Well, I've found that with my clients who have ADHD, both pediatric and adult, having a way to channel because ADHD often travels with anxiety, right? Yes. They're co-pilots on the journey. They are. Yes. And that's why sometimes diagnosing can be confusing because they travel together. But having a way to use your senses, to stay present and grounded is very powerful. That's why with my clients, the pediatric ones, I have slime. So when we're in sessions, we're playing with slime because there's clarity that happens when you're able to ground yourself using the senses because the focusing can be so challenging.

38:41But with my adult clients, some of them like slime, but others like to really use or hands, crafting, you know, just doing things like crocheting, all of that brings clarity because you're able to stay present and to focus more. So it's counterintuitive. You're thinking, oh, like, isn't multitasking bad? No, it can be very, very powerful as a tool to help people to stay focused and grounded. I love that. Okay. One of the things I have to ask you about, because you talk about this in your book, is you talk about numbing and achievement as coping strategies. And I think this transitions our conversation in a helpful way because oftentimes I think business owners can recognize that they create chaos, right?

39:25A lot of entrepreneurs are agents of chaos and that they can often use their business and their busyness because of the business as a way to emotionally avoid other areas of their life. I know I've gone through seasons of neglect in other areas of my life where it's like cracking open the laptop from the minute you wake up to when you go to bed. Let's talk about numbing and achievement because I think a lot of people use those in their business. Yeah. Well, you know how we talked about that brain? Yeah. That in the workplace, can't relax, has all these things outside, can't relax. There's usually something inside or unresolved that they're running from.

40:05They think they're chasing happiness, but they're actually trying to outrun something they haven't processed in the past. And in my PTSD studies, what I found is that when people have unresolved past traumas, you know, some people will avoid people, places, or situations like the textbook trauma. But those of us who cope by busying, we're avoiding dealing with it by taking on a project or two or, you know, working nonstop, right? That's our way of avoidance. So you won't find that in the textbooks. But in the study that I conducted, the first in the world on high functioning depression, I found that unresolved trauma was linked to this busyness.

40:43And we're not in mental health trained to look at it that way. We're trained to look at people breaking down, you know, as a response to pain, not overworking. But that tide is turning, you know, that tide is turning. A lot of therapists are reaching out to me saying, I need to understand this better. This is like most of my clients, you know, we weren't taught this. A lot of us. Yes. Yeah. So we're We really do have to support those of us who function, over function, who are very busy because we're the ones that other people are leading on. We need to support us because just because we're rocks, it doesn't mean that we don't struggle.

41:23And so there's this silent struggle behind this mask of pathological productivity. And the workplaces will reward you because they're benefiting, right? Right. Their benefit, your friends who milk you for everything that you do for them, they'll benefit. They won't complain, but you are missing out on your joy and your joy is important. Your joy is what's going to keep your health going. It's going to keep your relationships happy. It's going to keep you doing things that give you meaning and purpose, and it's going to help you to change the world for better. And so I think people need to realize that this numbing, this doing is a coping mechanism.

41:58It may have helped you at some point along the way, but the more you push down that pain and you don't process it, you're also going to be pushing down your ability to feel that joy. And that is a problem. It's a huge problem. I think that that area is so important, especially with entrepreneurs, because I'm surrounded by them. And it's like the second somebody achieves something, they're on to the next thing, right? So I loved when you were talking about the ability to pause before you move forward, because I think entrepreneurs are the worst at this. It's like they're so sick of their work that they're on to the next work before it's even done what it's intended to do.

42:34So I think this is so powerful. And I know for myself, I used to really struggle, even let's say in a yoga class. When we got to Shavasana, my head was in a million different places. I wanted to get up and walk out of the room and just get on with my life. The exercise was done. And I have had to learn how to get comfortable in resting because for me, rest takes work, right? And it's almost easier to be like, I should just be productive because if it's going to take all this work to actually rest, what's the point in it? So what would you say to somebody? Because that was me for a very long time.

43:09And I can catch myself when I get in that cycle of constantly wanting to be productive. And there's always things to do. You're never going to be done. And so for people that say that they're incapable of rest, like I once did, what would you say? Well, you know, it's something I've had to deal with personally as well. I mean, look at the degrees above me. I have so many degrees, I can't even hang them all because there's just not enough room. But I'm someone who tells myself, oh, you're lazy all the time and no one would think I'm lazy. And so for me, that first V, that validation is so important because every day I'm like therapizing myself.

43:44I'm like, wait a second, you have scarcity trauma because you came to this country with very little and you have to, you've always felt like you had to work, work, work. So you never run out of resources. And that's why you feel lazy when you sit still. So I'm like therapizing myself. I'm like, okay, so I do deserve this rest because I'm not lazy. Look at all that I've done. I get to like take a break in between patients. I get to take a break in between projects, but it's a constant thing I have to do. And so I think being realistic with yourself and saying, oh, this is why I am this way. Trying to understand that past pain and what led you to this place.

44:19Was it, you know, a parent who had substance abuse issues and was drinking all the time and you had to take care of yourself? Is that why you can't slow down that unprocessed trauma? Or was it, you know, something bad that happened to you when you were in college and then you just feel like you don't want to deal with it? Try to understand that and honor it. And yeah, you might cry a bit. Yeah, it might hurt. But at least you're getting to what was it? What were the things that led you to this place so that you can process it and start to feel joy and get the rest that you deserve? So personally, I have to tell myself all the time.

44:54I have to talk to myself all the time. I self-validate all the time. And I'm a board-certified psychiatrist. So I have to do it. Yeah. The average human. So Mel Robbins is a dear friend of mine and I had never done therapy and my friend Mel had recommended her therapist. And one of the interesting things that I started to learn about myself was as a child, I was super into gymnastics, like talking almost five hours a night as a child at the gym. And so I was somebody that during lunch and on the bus rides, I would do all of my homework because I didn't have time when I was in the gym. And so my teachers would always say, oh, she's so driven.

45:34She's so, you know, she's so disciplined, all these things. And now as an adult, I'm doing so much unwiring of like trying to fill every minute productively to get ahead so that I never fall behind. Right. And so I've just, it's so important because I love how you're talking about like things that happen to us stick with us, right? And there's big T traumas and little T traumas. And the more that you know it, I think the more you have grace for yourself, the more you can catch yourself. And this world has kept us so busy that it's like we can't even stop to think or to process. So I just connect with your work so deeply because I think you look at the whole human and the whole human experience and it connects so many dots that I think are missing for us.

46:20Yeah. What you're saying, like you didn't have any time to just be. And like, again, it's hard to access joy when you're so busy. I don't know anyone who's stressed out who's joyful. It's just, it's really difficult. So allowing yourself to slow down. How do we start to unpack that? Because everybody that's listening is probably stressed for something. So how do we stop the cycle or at least become aware of it? I like to practice the five, four, three, two, one. I do this all the time, right? I therapize myself, but I do it with my patients too. I'll sit with them and usually we'll have like a warm cup of tea.

46:57So I'll have my warm cup of tea. And what I'll do is I'll think about five things that I can see. So I'll describe the color of the tea, the glistening of the light on the tea, the glass, my nails, the details on the cup, you know, and then four things I can feel. So I feel the warm glass. I feel how hard the clay is on my hands. I feel the soft cushion, the soft carpet beneath my feet. And then three things that I can hear. So it's New York City. So I hear a siren outside, but I also hear the sound of the tea in the glass. I hear my nails against the glass. And then two things I can smell. So you can smell the flavor of the tea.

47:46I smell the perfume on my skin. And then one thing I could taste. So you sip it. All right. So you taste the tea. You taste the flavors. When you're doing things like that, you're staying so present in that moment that you're not really thinking about anything else. And I teach my clients how to do this method because it's so easy to do. You can do it anywhere. It's not expensive. It's accessible. And it trains you that you can slow down, that you have the capacity. Because when you're doing that, you're not thinking about the bills you have to pay. You're not thinking about the next meeting. You're not thinking about something that happened, you know, early in the morning.

48:22You're so present. And training yourself that way is so powerful because there's a tool in therapy called metacognition where you literally, you acknowledge that your problems are still there. The stress is still there, but you're choosing to not engage with it. And you're retraining your brain to be able to grasp joy in the present. It's such a powerful tool for those of us who are anxious, who ruminate. because it shows us that, you know, okay, it doesn't mean our problems don't exist, but it shows us that we have the capacity to stay present and to access joy no matter what. As you did that, I swear to you, my nervous system calmed.

48:58Like as you, isn't it wild though? And it's like, it is, it's so accessible. I also think it's an incredible tool to teach your kids. Like, because kids for me, like my kids are such a mirror of the areas that I need to heal within myself of the things I might have needed as a child. And I feel like kids are presence agents as in like the other day we watched an anthill for probably 20 minutes, four of us gathered around watching which ant was going where. And it's like, it's almost impossible with children to not be present because they're seeing every little thing and you see it. And so So it was interesting as you did that.

49:40I felt like my chest release. I felt my shoulders go down. And it's such a simple thing. And I mean, imagine if we invited that in before we ate our meals. I think we would enjoy our food a lot more. Imagine if we did that before we read bedtime stories to our kids. If you have children, you'd probably be present in the reading and not thinking about other things. Like it's so simple. And I think it's so challenging too. It is. You have to make time for it. Yeah. You know, you have to honor it. It didn't take very long at all, but it's such a powerful tool. It's simple and powerful. Yeah. What is something that you want our listeners to walk away with?

50:28If there is one thing you want them to implement today? Because you've given absolutely incredible information. What is something that they can do as they move through their day today after listening to this conversation? Well, I want them to thank themselves because they didn't have to take the time to be curious about the science of their happiness. They could have done something else. So that, again, you're celebrating your win. And also just like on a daily basis or every now and then, just look at your hand and say, I'm built with the DNA for joy. Joy is my birthright. And I can reclaim it.

51:03You have the tools. But I don't think a lot of people know that. I think they think, well, maybe I tried this and that didn't work for me. Take the time to understand the science of your happiness. What are the things that are taking away from your happiness? Then you know how to add back to that. But happiness and joy, they're yours. It is your birthright. It is built into your DNA. So try to reclaim that joy. Where can everybody find out more about you, check out your work, learn more about you, follow you, give me all the places. So you can follow me at Dr. Judith Joseph and my website is drjudithjoseph.com and you can buy my book, High Functioning.

51:40It's sold wherever books are sold. And there's lots of tips in there, more than we talked about here, but they definitely build on the principles we discussed. Thank you so much for coming on this podcast. I am so excited about your work and the way that it is changing the narrative. And I just can't wait for women to reclaim their joy with your help. So thank you for being on the show. Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed our conversation. Oh my goodness, that conversation. It was so powerful and filled with information that we can actually apply to reclaim joy in our lives. I think Dr. Judith is absolutely incredible.

52:25I think her work is groundbreaking. And I think in this era that we find ourselves in, doing this work to find joy in our lives is the most important work we can do not only for ourselves, but for future generations. I hope you love this episode. If you loved it, will you take a second and just share it with somebody in your life who could benefit from it? Start a little podcast club, talk about this episode together, bring it up in conversations and allow joy to seep in through the ways that you're not just getting information, but the ways you're implementing it into your lives. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Gold Digger podcast.

53:00I so appreciate you being here. And of course, until next time, keep on digging your biggest goals, but also keep on reclaiming your birthright, which is your joy. Thanks for pulling up a seat for another episode of the Gold Digger Podcast. I hope today's episode filled you with inspiration, gave you information that you can turn into action and realigned you with your true north in life and business. If you've enjoyed today's episode, head on over to golddiggerpodcast.com for today's show notes, discount codes for our sponsors, freebies to fuel your results, and so much more. And if you haven't yet, make sure you're subscribed so that you never miss a future show.

53:38We'll see you next time, Gold Diggers.