In short
The Goal Digger Podcast Episode 909 Summary
Episode Title
The Invisible Work That’s Exhausting Women: How to Name It, Share It, and Lighten It
Episode Overview
In this episode of The Goal Digger Podcast, host Jenna Kutcher interviews Dr. Morgan Cutlip, a psychologist and relationship expert. The discussion centers around the concept of the "mental load" that many women carry, which can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a feeling of overwhelm in both personal and professional realms.
Key Themes and Concepts
Understanding the Mental Load
- Definition: The mental load refers to the invisible tasks and responsibilities that women manage daily, which often go unnoticed by others.
- Components: It comprises physical, mental, and emotional labor, making it difficult for women to articulate and delegate responsibilities effectively.
Impact on Women
- Burnout: The episode discusses how women can become emotionally and physically drained due to the accumulated mental load.
- Disconnection from Self: Women tend to prioritize others' needs over their own, leading to a loss of awareness of their personal requirements.
Discussion Highlights
Effects of the Mental Load
- Burnout: Symptoms include anxiety, overwhelm, and a lack of creativity.
- Physical Health: Ignoring personal needs can lead to physical ailments, particularly autoimmune diseases, with 80% diagnosed in women.
- Relationship Strain: The mental load can create resentment towards loved ones as they become the focus of overwhelming responsibilities.
Strategies to Manage the Mental Load
- Check-Ins: Dr. Cutlip emphasizes the importance of regular personal check-ins to assess needs and stress levels.
- Communication: Couples should establish a shared language about the mental load to avoid misunderstandings and defensiveness.
- Delegation of Tasks: Effective delegation requires clear expectations and allowing partners to take ownership without micromanagement.
- Creating Rituals: Incorporating small rituals or routines can help women reconnect with themselves and their emotions.
Practical Takeaways
- Encourage Conversations: Foster open discussions about the mental load within relationships, recognizing that both partners contribute.
- Self-Prioritization: Learn to prioritize personal peace and articulate needs effectively.
- Limit Social Media Influence: Reduce exposure to social media that promotes unrealistic standards of balance.
- Visibility of Responsibilities: Use tools like calendars or task boards to visualize and allocate responsibilities clearly.
Conclusion
The episode emphasizes that women need to recognize the invisible work they do, communicate their needs effectively, and work collaboratively with their partners to manage burdens. It is a call to action for women to reclaim their time and energy, prioritize self-care, and foster healthier relationships.
Additional Resources
- Dr. Morgan Cutlip's Books:
- *Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself*
- *A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle The Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex*
- Goal Digger Facebook Community: [Join here](https://www.facebook.com/groups/goaldiggerpodcast/)
- Goal Digger Instagram: [Follow here](https://www.instagram.com/goaldiggerpodcast/)
- Show Notes & Tools: [Visit here](https://jennakutcherblog.com/emotional-labor-and-burnout-women)
Final Thoughts
This episode serves as a reminder of the complexities women face in balancing personal and professional lives. By recognizing the mental load and learning how to manage it effectively, women can enhance their well-being and relationships.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:01Do you ever feel like you're doing everything for everyone and still falling short? This conversation unpacks the hidden weight women carry, why you feel burned out, and how to start lightening the mental load. I'm Jenna Kutcher, and I help you trade hustle for purpose and build a business that gives you the life you actually want to live. From a$300 Craigslist camera to a seven-figure business I run from home, I've learned that success isn't just about what you do, it's about how you live. Here, you'll get strategies that work, systems that give you your time back, and steps that turn your effort into results and impact.
0:40If you're ready for clarity, confidence, and a business that feels as good as it looks, you're in the right place. This is the Gold Digger Podcast. Do you ever feel like your brain never gets a break? Like you're constantly juggling to-do lists, client needs, family demands, and still wondering what's for dinner? That invisible, never-ending checklist that you're carrying around, well, that's the mental load. And it might be silently sabotaging your business, your relationships, and your sanity. Today's guest, Dr. Morgan Cutlip, is a psychologist, relationship expert, and the author on a mission to help women feel whole, light, and deeply connected in all their relationships.
1:19With a PhD in psychology and a knack for translating research into real-life solutions, she's helped hundreds of thousands of people navigate the complexities of love, family, and partnership. Her books, Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself and A Better Share, tackle the emotional and mental responsibilities women disproportionately carry, especially when it comes to marriage, motherhood, and yes, running a business. If you've ever wondered why you're burnt out, even when your partner or team is helping, or if you've struggled to balance being a boss and being present at home, this is the conversation for you.
1:53We're diving into how the mental load affects your business, your boundaries, and your personal life, and what you can do to take some of that weight off. Dr. Morgan Cutlett, welcome to the Gold Digger podcast. Many of our listeners wear a lot of hats. So I want to start off with what is the impact on women who are everything to everyone? Women already struggle to prioritize their needs. We are so good at self-sacrificing for the preservation of all of our relationships. And so what I see happening when women are doing all of the things for everybody else is that we tend to fill up all of our time with these sort of urgent things, the most important things, our work, our family, everything else.
2:41I know I went into my work. And I felt like all of my free time was used up, especially after I became a mom. And so I had no time that I could actually delegate for myself. And so we tend to back burner ourselves for a really long time. And we get really, really, really good at it. The longer we back burner ourselves, the longer we make our needs small and we silence them, the more disconnected we become from what we need. So we get to a place as women where we can't even define what we need. We get a moment to ourselves. We don't know how to spend it. We don't even know. We're so depleted. It's like anything is a drop in the bucket at this point.
3:21We don't know what to do with it. And we then get to a place where we become really sort of disassociated from ourselves, disconnected. And when women do this, I see it showing up in three main ways. One, we get incredibly burnt out. This shows up as anxiety, overwhelm, depression, lack of creativity. The second is it manifests as physical symptoms. So because we are so good at silencing our needs and moving ourselves to the back burner, we tend to also ignore the sort of sounds and the murmurings of our bodies. So our bodies talk to us. If we are disconnected from ourselves, we're not listening.
3:59That's why 80 % of autoimmunes are diagnosed among women. We are really good at deprioritizing ourselves. The third way it shows up is resentment in our relationships. So it's kind of this ironic thing that as women, we are sacrificing ourselves to care for everybody else, but we're so good at it. And we do it to such a degree that we start to actually resent the people we love the most. And so these things become incredibly painful to live with. We start to not really enjoy who we are. We start to not like who we are in our relationships. We feel uncomfortable in our bodies and we're tapped out, depleted.
4:39Oh, I still remember exactly where I was when I first heard you speak. And I literally voice memo to you on Instagram, like a crazy fan girl and was like, Oh my gosh, you are speaking to my soul. When I encountered you is like at this time in my life where my grandpa was really ill. And I was driving to like spend the night and care for him and my grandma, thinking about the kids getting the kids settled. You know, I literally had like a baby monitor help with my grandparents so I can make sure if my grandpa needed something, I was there. And it was like this moment where I just felt like I, I can't do it all.
5:18Right. Like nobody talks about it. It's like this sandwich generation of like raising babies and also caring for your elders. And so when I heard you speak, I was like, Oh my gosh, this is wild. And one of the things that you talk about that I had never heard explained in the way that you do is the mental load? I have tried to explain this to my husband a million times, right? Like it doesn't connect. What is the mental load? Unpack it for me. Why does it hit women differently, especially business owners so hard? Like walk us through it. Okay. So this, all right. All right. I'm going to go 30 ,000 foot.
5:58I'm going to go in the weeds and then I'll talk about why it hits business owners. So the 30 ,000 foot definition is the mental load is the running never ending to-do list that we carry around in our minds that has two key components. So the first is that it's made up of mostly invisible tasks. This is why it's hard for you to explain it because it's like, you can't see it. So you can't make sense of it. It's really hard to hand it off. It's hard to articulate it. It's hard for our partners to take initiative because a lot of this is invisible. The second is that it takes up cognitive real estate.
6:33This just means that it crowds out capacity in our minds. We We need space in our brains for so many things. Creativity, especially as business owners, creativity, patience, regulating our emotions, getting in the mood for sex, all of these things take up space in our brains. So when we have a really full mental load, it crowds this stuff out. A lot of us will say things like, oh, I have mom brain. And the reality is maybe, right? There's hormones, there's all sorts of things involved. But also one of the main things is we just have too much stuff crowding out space in our brains. And we need that for so many important things.
7:13So the in the weeds definition is one I think is really important. And this is the one that I think helps partners understand what it is. I have a diagram of it in my book. So I'm going to explain that diagram. So if you are listening, if you imagine a Venn diagram with three circles. So these three circles are the three domains of tasks that are involved in the mental load. The first is a physical. If you're in a relationship, this is where men typically crush it because they're like, oh yeah, I emptied the dishwasher. You feel better? We're like, no, not at all. No, that's not quite it. Yeah.
7:47They mow the lawn. They do, they do the things, the physical tasks. The second is the mental. And that is just like the lists of things. So if it's at home, it's thinking about, you know, what you need from the store. If it's at work, it's thinking about your to-do list for the day. And then the third is really the kicker. That is the emotional labor, the emotional domains. And so this is like, this is a mouthful, but it's really clarifying for a lot of people. It's the regular and ongoing calculations, these like cause and effect calculations that you're doing for your grandpa, you're doing for your family, the baby monitor, to try to maximize positive experiences for members in your family.
8:31These feel like the stakes are high. They're short-term and long-term. They're things like I think about, you know, with our kids, our school decisions, thinking, you know, oh, we could go to school in our community, but it's not as good of an education, but we'll be plugged in. Or do we go to the better education, set them up for success, but not plug into our community? It's all of these calculations we're doing regularly. So the emotional labor follows you everywhere, whether you work inside, outside the home. And it's incredibly hard to hire out because it requires knowing your family deeply.
9:03And it's really hard to describe to your partner if they don't calculate these things in the same way. So the final sort of piece to understand about the mental load, especially of home and family life, is that most of the tasks occur at the intersection of these three circles. So I call that the triple threat. So if you think about one singular task, a line item on a to-do list, you can unpack it to include all these tasks from each domain. Like dinner's not just dinner. Dinner's like, what do I got in my fridge? What do I have in my pantry? How do I make sure everybody eats so they're not asking for a bar at bedtime, right?
9:43It's thinking through all of these sort of details that require so much energy, so much heart work and really wears us out. Let me give you an example. Yes. So it's summer and we love to just like go on adventures. And I have told my husband, my lovely, lovely husband, I was like, we need to just have a bag in the back of our car that has like swimsuits, towels, change of clothes, snacks, like all those like random things that you're out and about and you're like, oh, we're going to swing by the lake. Oh my gosh. The kids want to jump in the lake. Oh my gosh. One of our kids is really sensory.
10:24She doesn't like being wet, you know, all of these things. So then I think through that and then I'm like, oh, you know what? My littlest one is getting a little bit bigger and I should probably dig out the bin of the bigger ones, hand-me-downs to find that. Oh, now the bigger one's going to, I should probably order one. Now I'm going to go on to J crew. Oh, you know what? They have a sale and we have family photos coming up. So I should probably order everyone matching sales. And then, oh, did I message a photographer? Do we know where we're going to be? Oh my gosh. I totally forgot. Do I need to do my hair and makeup?
10:52I should probably schedule a hair appointment. Oh my gosh. My curling iron is so dirty, right? Like it is this crazy cycle that is constant in our brains. And like you said, I think what I resonated so deeply with is I remember sending this episode that you had done to all of my mom friends, because we sit down at dinner and it's like, how are you doing? And it's like, everyone is just like mapped out. Right. And it's like, we have so much to say. We have nothing to say at all. And it's just, it's fascinating because I think the part that I really resonate with so much is just the experience that like, I think most of us want everyone to have great experiences.
11:34And oftentimes it's at the expense of our own experience. And that is the part that you can't sum up and you can't explain and you can't necessarily hand off. And so it's like, so now what are we screwed Morgan? What do we do? Oh, that is the million dollar question is what do you do? Let's be millionaires. Let's be millionaires. Let's do it. So when I, think about and conceptualize the mental load, I, and how you tackle it, there's, there's a lot to say. I mean, wrote a book about it, so there's a lot to say, but, uh, I think about it as being a within issue and a between issue. So actually two books, I have my first book I wrote for moms.
12:16That's kind of how I tackle the within issue. So as an individual, what can I do to better navigate this part of my life? What can I do to feel better in my life, in motherhood, in my relationships? And then the between is how do I deal with this with my significant other? Because almost always one of the solutions to the mental load or one of the kind of ways we get to a better place is partners have to make some changes. Because the piece I didn't say when I was defining the mental load is that research tells us time and time again that the majority of the mental load of home and family life is carried by women.
12:51And so if you're working outside the home and you're still carrying all you're carrying at home, it's like unbearable. So if I give a couple of specifics of the within and between the within is in many ways, how you manage yourself, how do you manage your relationship with yourself? And I said, you know, women are really terrible at speaking up for what we need, defining what we need, prioritizing what we need. And so So one of the sort of big picture things that we need to do a better job of as women is really staying connected to ourselves by doing regular check ins throughout our day, almost like a systems check or a body scan.
13:32What's going on with me? What do I need? Do I need to speak up for something? How do I define it? In my first book, I give an actual plan for how you do that takes less than 30 seconds. You can do it on the toilet. I mean, I know that's gross, but also it's one of the places we get a minute and stay connected to yourself. Part of getting to a better place with a mental load is being able to talk about it. And sometimes that conversation doesn't go all that well with our partners, but to be able to talk about it in a way that we feel I struggle with how to say this. A healthy sense of entitlement to ask for what we need and to make it really clear.
14:12So we have to not lose ourselves in our relationships. If we're going to get to a better place, we have to learn that we might not always be the number one priority in our life, in our business, in our relationships, but we absolutely need to take a turn. So that's the part of the within work. The between work is we have to develop a shared language in our relationship around the mental load, because what I see happening so often is that we try to talk about it in our relationship and somebody gets defensive, usually our partners, you know, I'm not doing enough. Like, you know how tired I am. I have a mental load to all these sorts of things and it shuts down the conversation.
14:52And so this issue never moves forward. And my second book, and we can get into the weeds on some specifics, is really about how you develop a way of talking about this topic without it spiraling into a fight. Because the mental load changes every single day. Depending on what's going on, depending on what season you're in, if it's the holiday season, if it's a different season of life you have, you know, if you're caring for your grandpa, like your mental load's fuller. So we have to be able to touch base regularly with our partners and make adjustments so we can show up and support each other in the ways that we need.
15:28Let's take a quick break to thank our sponsors for supporting this show. And while you listen, check in with yourself. Are you carrying a mental load that no one else sees? Up next, we get into what to actually do about it and how to start sharing the weight without it turning into a fight.
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19:07But one of the things, here's a quick example is like sometimes when you're tackling the mental load, it almost feels like you're adding to it. Right. Because it's like, Hey, I need help with dinner. Okay. Well, what should I make? Okay. Grab me a recipe. I can follow a recipe. Right. Then I have to find, you know, and so it's like, is that a common thing? Because I feel like sometimes women will try to hand things off and it almost feels like more work or we just tell it. Maybe that's a lie. We're telling ourselves that it is more work and therefore I might as well just do it myself. What is that?
19:42So part of what you're talking about is like, you're handing off one thing, but then he's actually defaulting to you for all of the instructions. And this is a big issue. So there's like all these sort of parts of the mental load that are required to discuss to kind of make this final change. So one of them is what tasks are you going to take on in totality? So am I the recipe finder and you're the cooker or are you doing all of the meals? And so having a conversation around, let's create clear expectations around what this looks like. There are more tools than ever to find recipes and plan meals, chat GPT, that stuff, buddy, like do it.
20:22So I, part of it is really having this conversation. And that's why we go back to like, you have to be able to have this conversation without getting to an argument, but have this conversation around, okay, what are the things that you completely own? I'm going to step out. If you ask me for a rescue, I'm like, that's yours, man. Like, I love you, but you figure that out. I'm not going to step in and rescue you. And they fully own that task. There can be some tasks that are shared, but that's why it's so important to have the conversations to really define the expectations around this. You know, one of the big picture, I'll give like two really tangible tips real quick.
21:00So one of the big picture things I sort of lead up to in my book is that you have to have a regular check-in around the mental load. I recommend doing it once a week. Make it like 15, 20 minutes. I give an agenda you can use in the book if you want to. And touch base on what's ahead, what's going on. Do we have camps this week? Who's in charge of packing lunches in the bags? Like, let's talk this out. Let's get really clear. This will save your relationship on a number of levels. You will have clear expectations around the mental load. You'll get really good at talking about something that usually stirs up issues.
21:36It will just help you feel in it together as a team, which is a really important perspective to use as you approach the mental load. So do that, change your relationship in a massive way. The second thing that has helped me personally in my relationship, that's just like a very practical, quick tip. So for a long time, what would happen is, so my husband, his name is Chad. And he really prides himself on being a straight shooter. He's like, I'm a straight shooter. I'll tell you like it is. I'm like, okay, buddy. So I have learned to develop a bit of a thicker skin in our 17 years of marriage to be able to take his straight shooter-iness.
22:18However, he cannot receive it. So when I was finding my voice many, many years ago in our marriage and our family, I thought, well, I can be a straight shooter too. So I was, and he did not handle it well. and so part of what I noticed is when we would be talking about the mental load in the moment you know that like the hustle get it yes yes yes you're trying to get out of the house or you have a busy day or somebody's leaving you're like I gotta tell you the things before you go and I would straight shoot it and he'd be like why are you so mad at me like you're so tense you're so which then that's just not the time no because then you're like I'm not tense why are you just being more involved.
23:00My energy is great. I don't know what you're talking about. I feel awesome until you said that. So it's, it's so frustrating. Yes. So we developed a system where we just sort of frame it. We put these parentheses around it. So he might be ready to walk out the door. I'm like visualizing where he's standing. We do it all the time. And I'll say, I'm in go mode. So We have a term, go mode. I got to download. You ready? And he'll say, go. And I can just speak kind of punchy to the point. And he knows it's framed in this sort of energy. And then he'll say, I got it. Let me say it back to you. He says it back to me, like on the same page.
23:44All right, like kind of like team over and out. And this is not the solution for the overall mental load issue, but this is, there's these little things that in your relationship you can do that will practically sort of help you avoid those moments that easily spiral into an argument, attention, or some sort of misunderstanding where we're like personalizing someone's energy. Oh my gosh. I love this. We have two things that have helped us. I'm like a physical tactical person. One is having a visual calendar in our home. Oh my gosh. We have a skylight calendar. I love the people who've created them.
24:21And that has been so helpful because I have my Google calendar. He has his, and we can see everything at once. He can't ask me like, what do you got today? It's like, look at the calendar, right? Cause then it's like, I've already told you I have five podcast episodes or whatever. So that has been super helpful. And just to kind of see the energy requirements of the week. So I love that. The second thing that has helped us a ton is the fair play deck of cards. And it's so cool because every once in a while, if we get a date night, we'll go out and it's a deck of cards and it has all the different tasks.
24:56And some of them are physical, like taking the trash out. Some of them are mental, like scheduling appointments. And you go through and you can claim ownership. And what I love about this, and it's so aligned with what you're talking about, Morgan, is just ownership, right? If you own taking the garbages out. I'm going to release that from my brain. I'm not going to remind. I'm not going to, it's yours. You own it. Right. And so that has been super helpful too, because I think it's always in that gray area of like, who's feeding the chickens. Did you feed the chickens? No, I thought you were going to feed the chickens.
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25:26Well, the chicken, like where that's where so much of the tension lives. And so we've done that a lot lately, even just with extra things coming into the house of like, even with our puppy, like who's getting up in the morning. Okay. okay, that's yours. Then no one's grumbling at 6 a.m. and the puppy starts to need to go out. So I love the ownership piece because I think that's huge. Oh my gosh. I love both those offerings. We have a digital calendar too. It's like life-changing actually. I call it out in my book too, like get one. Yes. Especially if somebody has ADHD in the family. Yeah, me, right?
26:00It's life-changing to be able to see it. And I love Ibradsky's work. The Fair Play deck is so, so helpful. And yeah, because it's, you know, so often a lot of this stuff is kind of in this sort of ambiguous place. And so it's hanging out there. And what usually happens is the woman will have it on her mental radar and her mental to-do list. And so even though maybe he said he would handle it, if she's not entirely sure that her partner will, it's still occupying that space. And so that's not helpful. We have to be able to get it out of our brains. hand it off, get on, you know, whatever, whatever tactic or strategy we use, it needs to be out of our brains.
26:42And what you're saying reminded me in the book, I give these five behaviors that sometimes as women holding onto the things we engage in that kind of backfire. So it's part of that within work, but when we are handing things off and we are giving total ownership, we have to be mindful of how we kind of get out of the way. And what I've noticed is that women tend to do one of five things. We either get impatient. We hand it off. It's not done on our timeline. Maybe we didn't even vocalize the timeline, but then we just step in and we're like, we'll just do it ourselves. It's easier, which basically means we're going to continue to do it.
27:22Correct. We will micromanage. I've done, I've done all of these by the way. So I'm not like ivory towering this, but micromanage, you know, you pack the kids' lunches. Like, Did you not get the memo on how we slice the grapes? What's the problem? We keep score. Thanks for what you're doing. That's barely a drop in the bucket compared to what I do. We criticize, you know, thanks for getting the kids dressed, but are you kidding me right now? They cannot wear that in public. And, or we personalize things, which tends to really sour the tone in our relationship, which is that we make, and sometimes there's kind of an asterisk on this one.
27:57Sometimes there needs to be a conversation here, but also sometimes we make. a lot of meaning. We ascribe meaning to little things that that towel on the floor is not a towel. It's disrespect. And this will quickly put us in a bad spot in our relationship. Oh, I love those five things and totally guilty of them because I'm like, I want this done, but I want it done my way. And my way is the right way. And Drew is an Enneagram one. So he's very black and white. And I am like this creative tornado. What are you? I'm a three. Okay. Oh, my husband's a three. Yeah. And so it's so funny. Cause like even things like I today, so here's a good example.
28:39So I woke up to let the dog out and then I got a workout and well, my oldest daughter loves to come down to the gym with me. So I'm managing puppy kid working out. Then I go in, I get the bacon in the oven. I'm making this huge breakfast. I have a day of recording podcasts and my husband's like, thanks for letting me sleep in. And I was like, did I have an option here? And we were laughing about it. And what's so funny is, is that, you know, he has a very particular way of making bacon. I make bacon, maybe the, the less clean way. He's very clean, you know, and it's just funny where it's like, we each have what we consider the right way.
29:12And I think one of the best things that we've done is like, if you're handing it off, you're handing it off full stop, right? Like, like no commentary, no criticism. It is yours. And the end result is yours as well. So, and I think that's like crucial because I think so many of us too, we get so set of like, well, this is how it needs to be done. And it's like, at the end of the day, is everybody safe? Yeah. All right. You're good. Yeah. A lot of women struggle with this. It's like giving up the control and it's such an important piece because ultimately it benefits you. So let go. So get out of their way, let them figure it out, let them fail, let them find their own technique.
29:51I, I listened to this podcast and I'm thinking it was like 15 years ago. I don't know. And this couple was talking about how the wife handed off finding a babysitter to the husband just one time. It was always for job. And she's like, I can't do it. you take care of it. And so if you think, if you think about how, I mean, how I would find a sitter is I would text one sitter and then I would wait and then I'll text the next one and I would wait and it would take days. You know, you don't know if you can even carry out your plans. So the husband put them all in a group text and texted them all like a bidding war.
30:31Yes. It was basically like first come first, you know, if you text me first, you get the job. Like who wants the money? Yeah. And he found a sitter like that. And so she's sharing this story and she goes, who would have thought that he was far superior and more efficient at this? If I never would have just stepped out of the way and let him do it his way, I never would have known. And now it's his job. And so I think that we have to have an opportunity and give our partners an opportunity to sort of prove us wrong and to show us maybe they've got a skillset that's kind of been hidden. Oh my gosh.
31:02I'm obsessed. One of the things that I love about your work, and I think why it resonated so deeply with me is just that a lot of times women feel burned out, right? And it's like, we don't even know why. Like everything looks good. I should be happy. My life is good. My kids are healthy. What are some tactical ways that we can check in? I know we talked about doing body scans and stuff, but like, how can we recognize and maybe name what we're feeling when we're feeling like we can't sustain at this rate or pace or at this load any longer? Yeah, this is really important that if you're in a partnership that you can name this in your relationship so that you can get the support that you need.
31:47Because a lot of times we sort of just find that women have the most massive amount of capacity. So we just go and we go and we go and we burn out. And then our partners are surprised that we're so grouchy and irritable and on edge. And so we have to be able to name it sooner. That's why I know it sounds kind of vague. And in my first book, I gave like very clear details, but that's why it is important to regularly check in. And I mean, multiple times a day. And when you do this, then you are able to define what's going on. Maybe you can't actually do something in that very moment to kind of remedy if you're like, Oh, I actually need, you know, to go lift weights right now.
32:28Cause I got to like complete my stress cycle and kind of burn off some energy, but I don't have time, but at least I've defined it. And that definition will give me some peace and I can put a pin in it and come back to it later. And so this ability to define what's going on with ourselves empowers us to do something about it. So whether that's something you could handle yourself or that's a conversation you end up having with your partner, which might be, Hey, I'm, I'm like reaching my limit. You probably sense it in me, you might feel a little scared. Like I've noticed a lot of, if we're talking men, women, a lot of men will get kind of scared of female learners when we're in our intense sort of energy.
33:10I'd be scared too. I'd be scared. I know. I mean, I'm scary. I probably, I mean, I've noticed much funny because my mom, I look back now and I have such a different level of empathy for her. Cause I look back, I'm like, Oh, that's what that energy was, but they're scared of us. So they avoid us, which is usually the last thing that we need. And so the ability to understand what's going on with us, define it so we can explain it, say, I'm overwhelmed. I'm at my limit. We need to make some adjustments because we are a team and we are living in this sort of modern day, this modern family life, which is absolutely relentless.
33:45There is this pressure to be productive and successful. Life is expensive. We're just distracted by our devices. we're pulled in all these directions, I'm starting to lose it. And we have to find a way to navigate some of these things a little differently so that we both feel good in our family and in our relationship. And stepping into that conversation becomes kind of the launching point for finding ways to really show up and support each other. I feel like couples don't have this conversation nearly enough, but it's such a simple question, which is when you're stressed out, what do you need from me?
34:21My husband needs to be left alone. That's what he needs. I need him to wrap his arms around me, give me a hug, tell me everything's okay, that he understands it. You know, what is it that you need in these moments? And that becomes really important as we navigate this together. It's so funny. Cause like, as you're saying that, I think about how I do that with my kids, right? Like my kids get overwhelmed, like let them feel it. And then like later on, I'll check in and be like, what, like, what could I have done? Or what did you need in that moment? And it's funny how we don't do that with ourselves and with our partners, right?
34:55Like, I'm like, I have patience for days with my kids. And I'm just like, they're just a little human figuring it out. And then I'm like, I'm still a little human figuring it out too. And I think that is always a reminder to me too, of like with myself. And one thing I have noticed is like, I've gotten really good at checking in with myself and it has made all the difference. And an example is like the other night I popped open my computer really quick before bed. And I noticed something had fallen through the cracks work wise with a team member. And I just remember feeling like peeved and I went to bed and I just had this like energy and I had to stop for a minute and be like, what, what am I so upset about?
35:36Like, what, what, where is this coming from? And then I realized like, wait, this is really not a big deal. It It can be a tomorrow thing. It's not, it's really not anything, but it's like, I think a lot of times we're carrying other people's energy or energy that like, isn't even ours to carry. And we don't even stop to check in and be like, this isn't mine. Or like, this isn't necessary. Or like, this isn't, you know, like, don't bring this into other places. And I have really had to like bring in rituals because I just can take on everyone's energy. That's like me. I'm just, I need to picture like myself in a bubble.
36:10and I have had to really invite in like little routines and rituals that just remind me like get back in your body like whether it's doing my skincare after I put the kids to bed and like you're out of that crazy bedtime chaos get back into your energy get back into yourself or before I shut the laptop and go into the house you know it's like these little things and I think entrepreneurs especially because our minds never stop thinking you have to invite these rituals in or else it's like you're just carrying everybody's energy everywhere. No wonder we're tired, right? Yeah. I mean, it's especially as women and female entrepreneurs, because we are so good at really kind of numbing out our self-awareness so we can just keep pushing because our lists are longer than our capacity and longer than our days.
37:00And so I think that's where I see the problems really creep in is when we have numb. That's why I keep saying the check-in where you're like, out. Now I'm sure some people are listening to, Oh, is that kind of cliche? No, no, no, no. You need to do this because when we numb out our self-awareness, we cannot attend to ourselves. And it reminds me, I have this conversation with our kids all the time, right? Our daughter's like getting annoyed with it actually, but she's 12. So that she's in that phase because she's annoyable. But I talk about how, when we carry other things with us, it's like the guy who comes home from work and kicks the dog.
37:31Cause he had a bad day at work. And, and so we talk a lot about Like, are you kicking the dog right now? Like, what is your context? Check in with you. What's going on? Like what's feeding this? It's so important that we really understand that. And the rituals, I mean, spend five minutes on Instagram and we'll find tons and tons of ways to come back into our body, whether it's, you know, grounding, whether it's that the skincare, I use a lot of oil-based because mainly because it makes me massage my face and that slows me down. And so all of these things that kind of bring us back into our bodies and in ourselves become really important for women so that we can awaken that self-awareness instead of numb it out.
38:11Yeah. We need to take a quick moment to shout out our sponsors for making these conversations possible. If this episode is hitting home, send it to a friend or better yet, your partner, because chances are they need to hear this too. After our short break, I'm asking Morgan a big question. What's the truth about the mental load that most people aren't ready to hear? and our answer just might surprise you. Stay tuned. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm all about creating spaces where people actually want to be. So when we started hosting on Airbnb, it honestly felt like the most natural thing in the world and it's turned into one of the best decisions we've ever made.
38:48Over the years, we've hosted hundreds of couples in our little spaces. We've had so many repeat guests come back and we've created this incredible community, not just with our guests, but also with the people who help us care for our space. Whether you've bought properties as an investment or have unused rooms waiting to be shared, hosting on Airbnb is a practical and profitable choice. And just think about it. If you've put a ton of time, effort, and work into your home, someone out there probably would love to experience it while they're traveling. So next time you're planning a trip or want to make some extra income from your spaces, you should definitely host on Airbnb.
39:23Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. What is a truth about the mental load that most people aren't ready to hear? Like something they need to, if they really do want things to change, if they're listening to this and they're like, this is resonating, I'm stuck. What do they need to hear? Okay. Can I do two? Because I'm thinking about as individuals and then as a couple. So I'd say as a couple, I'll start there. If you spend any time on social media, learning about the mental load, it's actually pretty, it's a pretty volatile topic. It's pretty hostile ground, actually.
40:00It's been interesting being somebody who takes a little bit of a different approach to kind of navigate the social media space. So I think one thing people don't often want to hear, but we need to really start talking about more is that we need to engage men in particular and the conversation around the mental load. And so why I say it's volatile is because the majority of the content really wants to put all the blame on our partners. And that's not necessarily inaccurate. Ultimately, we want our partners to change, to be more involved, to take initiative, to offer appreciation. All of these things are incredibly important, but criticism is not a great starting place for change.
40:40That is not the best and most effective route. I'm all about the end game. And so it requires that we invite men into the conversation. We allow them to express their experiences and we can handle it. And then we talk about it in the sense of we are a couple up against a relentless amount of responsibilities in modern family life. How are we tackling it together and how are we both getting the support we need? So I think that's something not a lot of people are saying that's really important if we're really wanting to move forward in the mental load in our relationship. For women in particular, something I think we really need to absorb is that we cannot prioritize all of the things at the same time.
41:26And as I say it out loud, if you hear it, it might sound like a duh statement, but we live our lives in a way that suggests we actually do believe that we can. So we will try to crush it at work, crush it in our relationship, crush it at home, have a perfectly clean home, be exercising, be doing all of the thing, counting our macros. Like we're trying to do all of the things, prioritize all of the things. And then when we cannot or when we are a mess or we're grouchy or we're depleted, we layer on guilt for not being able to do it all and do it all really, really well at the same time. And the guilt is actually something that will wear on your mental load.
42:08It will add to it. So we need to do as much as we can to get rid of this guilt in our lives. And so I think it's really important that we understand that you can't prioritize one thing without deprioritizing others. And it's not something we really love to hear, but it's something we need to absorb so that when we are at work, we can focus on our work and we can be present and we can do it without the guilt that we're somehow being a neglectful parent. And when we're in parenting, we can be present in that moment. And so becoming more singular minded in the present moments will help us help us to relieve some of our guilt and also preserve our energy.
42:46I think that men are so good at that. I think they're amazing. There's so Drew is like phenomenal at like, just thinking about the immediate moment. Like I get so jealous because I'm like, you truly are so wildly present that you can't even anticipate that a snack meltdown is going to happen in five minutes. And we lost a shoe back because that it is the difference. And I think that is where the chasm just feels so wide. Right. And I think also women get resentful of like, I wish I could do that. Like, I wish I could not be anticipating naps and bedtime and dah, dah, dah, and all these things.
43:26Right. But maybe sometimes too, we need to take a page out of their books of just, you're going to figure it out when you figure it out, right? Like it's going to happen when it happens. It's going to get done. Yes. And I know people are like, well, I'll be the one doing it, but not all. I remember early in our parenting sort of life together. So I would make, I'm the cook and my husband, he does, it's just not his gift. So I cook and then he usually does the dishes, but after dinner, he would sometimes just go play with the kids. And I remember for a while being in the kitchen And then my sort of internal narrative was he just expects I'll do the dishes.
44:05Yeah. Must be nice being able to go play with the kids. And, you know, I created this entire storyline around what was happening. And so I do the dishes, banging the pots and pans. I got so ticked off about it. In reality, when I finally recognized this, I was like, I'm just not going to do them. I'm just going to copy my husband. I'm going to do exactly what he's doing. I'm going to go play. I deserve to play and have fun. And so I'm going to watch what happens. Sure enough, not on my timeline, but he would eventually get up and he would go do the dishes. And so I think sometimes we need to allow ourselves to kind of experiment with some of these shifts and see how it impacts us because I do experiments all the time in my life and my relationship.
44:48And it's, it's really been such an impactful experience to kind of test some of these things out. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I love that. We try to do that too, where it's like whoever cooks, the other one cleans. And one parent just goes and plays and gets all the energy out of the kids and the puppy, like get it out. And it's so, it's so much more fun too. And honestly, doing the dishes alone and quiet, that can be your time to check in as well. Right. So maybe don't be so resentful, maybe feel the warm water and take a beat. Like it's just, it is funny. Like there are opportunities for us to do these little things that can help make things a bit easier.
45:27My final question is this. Now, a lot of women just think, and I'm one of them, we just feel like we're bad at balance, right? Like we're not organized enough. We're not doing enough, but what is like the deeper belief or maybe the blind spot that just keeps us in this cycle of chaos? Like, I think I can think of women in my life where I'm like, you're just choosing chaos, but I do that too, right? It's almost like we create it in ourselves. And then we blame ourselves for not being able to do it all. Why? What is this? I think we've been fed this misguided belief that balance is actually achievable.
46:03Oh yeah. And I mean, even here, like people still talk about it. It's all over. I was looking at my feed this morning. I've been really like, really mindful of my social media consumption right now. So I've been kind of analyzing my feed and my feed right now is like European capsule wardrobes. and it's macro counting. And it's like all of, and puppies, it's, but when you just spend a moment on social media or really any kind of like stuff we consume, a lot of it is trying to feed us this message, explicit or implicit, that balance is achievable. If you just turn the right dials, if you find the right calculation of my macros, if you find the right strategy and words to squash a tantrum.
46:49If you find the right set of organizational bins, your life will have systems. Everything will be easy. So we're constantly searching out this information. We have millions of tabs open, researching the right solutions, finding the right expert, doing the right things to try to achieve the permanent place of balance. And when we find it, we'll find it for a minute. and then it all falls apart. And every time it falls apart, we feel like we are not enough, like we're falling short, like we missed sort of like that secret sauce that everybody else has figured out. And we feel terrible about ourselves.
47:26And this just adds to the sort of like the motivation or the quest to find balance once again, why must have to find that other dial I didn't turn. And it's exhausting and it is never ending. And I think we really need to understand that balance is complete baloney. It is a myth does not exist because life is always throwing us curve balls. Things are always being pulled out of this state of kind of like homeostasis. And so instead we need to think about whether it's our life, our relationships, our work life, as we're always just in a place of balancing. So we're never going to get there. We're always just going to be making these little kind of adjustments here and there.
48:07And that's normal. And when we normalize it, we can stop feeling so bad about it. And that actually will free up a lot of space in our brains because this guilt, this feeling like not enough, this constant wondering of what we're missing is absolutely exhausting. You know what you just reminded me of is like, what's so fascinating about social media is like, okay, you gave the examples of like puppies, European wardrobes and macros. And what we forget is like the macro girl, that is her one thing, right? The linen European striped shirts with the cute little scarves, that is her one thing. And the puppy, well, that's, we all love puppies, but we trick ourselves into thinking we have to do all of that, right?
48:53Like it's, it's like a bucket where we're just collecting all these ideas and information and all these things. And we're forgetting too, that like the creators we're consuming from are usually just focused on one thing, right? Like one main thing. And it's so interesting how our brain then sees like, well, this baby shower over here and this trip and this person's homeschooling and this and this and this and this and this and this house and this kitchen. And it's like, all of a sudden it's like so much, right? And it's just, it's so interesting. I just was talking about this app. Everyone that's listening.
49:24I have no skin in the game, nothing. There's an app called clear space. And I have literally Morgan not logged into Instagram once in the last 36 hours and what it does. And this is so cool is it graze out the apps or the things that you want time from. And when you go to click on it, it makes you take a deep breath in a deep breath out. It'll post a quote usually about like time and how precious time is. And then it'll say, do you still want to go in or do you not want to, if you say you still want to go in, it says, how many minutes do you want to spend? And it'll go one, two, five, or 10. You select that.
50:01And my scrolling consumption has gone down exponentially. And every time I click, like, and my thumb will just naturally just fricking go there all the time. And it's like wild because I'm like, wait. And what it's helped me be mindful of too, is like, look around. Are the kids like, do they need my attention? Okay. Maybe I have one minute right now. Okay. Maybe have five minutes. Maybe the kids are in bed. I don't want to waste the entire night. I want to actually connect with my husband. Maybe I have 10 minutes. Anyways, it has been exceptional. And I would just encourage anyone, if you need boundaries, put them in place because we cannot trust ourselves to be left alone to our own devices.
50:39Truly. No. So anyways, but I just think too, it's like, when I think about what I can control, it is in my view, right? Like it is in my home. And when I feel overwhelmed and chaotic, it's when I'm looking at everything that is out of my control and feeling helpless. And so it's just been such a helper to me because I'm like, yeah, it's no wonder we feel like we're not doing enough. And my mom often says, she feels bad for parents of our generation because there's just so much information and so many thoughts and ideas and philosophies and do this, not that. And it's like, we're trying to play by this like playbook that only keeps growing.
51:22And we're just humans. It's too much. I love what you said. It's almost like we are not living our life in a niche and, but we're consuming content from people who are in niches. And so then we just become completely overwhelmed by all of this. So I'm getting that app. That sounds amazing. I mean, it's, these things are designed to addict us. So we need things like that to kind of unravel. I know. I told my kids, we took the kids out to dinner the other night and we're really mindful about not being on our phones in front of our kids. And it's funny when you're really not on your phone and you look around, you see people on your phone and you're like, how dare they be on their phone or whatever.
52:00They're missing it. But we said to our kids, we're like, like, look around, like who here is enjoying their life? Like who's having fun right now? Who is present? Who is tasting their food? And it's just like, I want them to start paying attention to like, who is aware and awake and happy. And, you know, and it's like, it's so easy to see it too, where it's like, I want this for my kids. So I want it for myself too. But it's so easy to like fall down the old rabbit hole. Yeah. I love that you're doing that. And we always have done that with our kids. And so I'll give you like the, the future view of it.
52:34So our daughter is 12. A lot of her peers have phones now. She does not have a phone or anything. And she's volunteering at a, like a camp last night and she's working in the kitchen and she's like, mom, my partner was on his phone all night. It was so annoying. He wasn't paying attention. He went, so it's almost like, not like I want to raise judgmental kids, but their sense of awareness. Yeah. Their awareness of what it does to a person's experience is really high because we've always kind of, Hey, look at that whole table of family members are on their phone. Like, I wonder what they're looking at or what they could be talking about.
53:12And so, yeah, it really makes a difference. Oh my gosh. I love this. If you could leave our audience with one powerful takeaway from your work, what would it be? These are the hardest for me. Something I wish somebody would have said to me, so I'll leave this as a takeaway. There are a lot of takeaways, but as I wish somebody would have said to me earlier that in motherhood, especially, and especially with motherhood in conjunction with work that I need to learn how to prioritize my piece. And that means a lot of things as you unpack it. So that means for at least for me, it meant learning to define and speak up for what I need.
53:50Sometimes that process, and I think a lot of growth processes in life, you come up against a little bit of tension. I know I did in my relationship, we came up against a little bit of attention as attention as I was growing, as I was changing. But ultimately, as I expressed my needs, as I found my voice, I was better able to prioritize my piece because I could actually ask for what I needed and get it met. And I think the outcome of this, so it's not meant to be prioritize your piece because everything's all about you as an individual. I think we're very individualistic right now in our relationships, And that's a dangerous place to be.
54:29I mean it in the sense of when I am at a better place, when I'm in a better place, when my peace is prioritized, I show up as a completely different person in my relationships. And ultimately, when I do that, I feel better about myself. And so a lot of these sort of energy leaks, like guilt, shame, wondering if I'm sort of missing out on something as a parent or as a partner, a lot of that stuff goes away. when you feel good about how you're showing up in your relationships. And for me, that's, that's what I needed to hear. Where can everybody find you and your work? Like I said, I went, I did a deep dive on you.
55:10I was just this woman and she is my people. Where can everybody do that with your work and your books and everything? Oh, okay. So Instagram is where I am the most. My handle is Dr. Morgan Cutlip. My books have like my heart in them. So I would love for people to listen to them or read them. So my first one's called Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself. And the second is called A Better Share, How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex. And my website is just DrMorganCutlip.com. I have lots of free resources there. Thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing your heart and for having this discussion.
55:49This was even better than I imagined. Thank you so much for having me. And also we had two puppies in on this conversation and they did great. Good job, Georgie. I saw a tail. Hank's just cruising around. So for anyone listening, if you hear any noises, we promise you it was the puppies. The puppies. I have a feeling that this is a conversation that you might be sharing with your partner, your spouse, your friends, just to say you're not alone and I'm not alone too. I am obsessed with Dr. Morgan's work. I love her as a person. I think the way that she explains things just deeply resonates. And I have been impacted by what she teaches.
56:32I remember taking a conversation I had heard with her in it and sending it to my husband, sending it to my friends. It was just a deep clarification of what I've been feeling, right? And a way to express what I need and what I'm going through in a way that I can't always communicate, especially when I'm stressed out. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the podcast. If you know somebody that could benefit from this episode, please hit share. I would love for you to send it to someone. And of course, until next time, gold diggers, keep on digging your biggest goals. And thank you so much for listening to this episode of the podcast.
57:07Thanks for listening to the gold digger podcast. I hope today left you inspired and equipped with something you can put into action as you build a business that truly supports your life. If this episode resonated with you, here's how you can help the show reach even more entrepreneurs. Hit follow, share it with a friend who's building something meaningful. And if you're feeling generous, leave us a review. Those reviews help other listeners discover these conversations when they need them the most. This show has become so much more than I ever imagined. And it's because of listeners like you who show up and share.
57:40You are helping build something that will inspire entrepreneurs for years to come. For show notes, links, and resources, head to golddiggerpodcast.com. Keep digging your biggest goals. The world needs what you're building.
From the publisher
Ever feel like you’re doing everything for everyone and still falling short? That’s the mental load, and it might be silently sabotaging your business, your relationships, and your sanity.
Today’s guest is Dr. Morgan Cutlip: a psychologist, relationship expert, and author on a mission to help women feel whole, light, and deeply connected in all their relationships. With a PhD in psychology and a knack for translating research into real-life solutions, she’s helped hundreds of thousands of people navigate the complexities of love, family, and partnership.
Her books Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself and her upcoming title A Better Share tackle the emotional and mental responsibilities women disproportionately carry, especially when it comes to marriage, motherhood, and yes, running a business.
If you’ve ever wondered why you’re burnt out even when your partner or team is “helping,” or if you’ve struggled to balance being a boss and being present at home, this conversation is for you. We’re diving into how the mental load affects your business, your boundaries, and your personal life, and what you can do to take some of that weight off.
Want to go deeper? Pre-order Dr. Morgan’s brand new book, A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle The Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex now!
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