939: A Conversation With My Mom About Time, Motherhood, and What Gets Passed Down

0:01Today's episode is sponsored in part by Revolve and Spectrum. Revolve is my all-time favorite place to shop for my dream wardrobe. Head to revolve.com forward slash gold digger to shop my favorites and get 15 % off your first order with the code gold digger. Spectrum business keeps your business connected with reliable service you can count on. Visit spectrum.com forward slash free for life to learn how you can get business internet free forever. As always, you can find all of our amazing deals in the show notes. Now let's get into it. okay I have been on this ruthless pursuit to purge any clothes that I'm not actually wearing like if I haven't reached for it in months it's gotta go I am trying to be really intentional about what I bring into my closet right now which means I am only buying pieces that I know I will actually wear and use revolve just gets it though I'm literally wearing my brown autri sneakers from there right now and my new suede purse it fits my laptop in it so it's basically a fancy shoulder bag that works for everything.

1:02I love finding pieces like that. Things that look good, but also work hard for my actual life. Their holiday shop is live right now with all the good stuff. Sparkly party dresses, cozy sets, cute gifts, everything you need for whatever is on your calendar. And it's all in one place, which makes shopping feel way less overwhelming. Whether it's a weekend away, a big night out, or a holiday party, your dream wardrobe is just one click away. Head to revolve.com forward slash gold digger shop my edit and take 15 % off your first order with the code gold digger fast two-day shipping easy returns it's literally the only place you need to shop from that's revolve.com forward slash gold digger to shop my favorites and get 15 % off your first order with the code gold digger offer available for a limited time so happy shopping and I feel like too even though I said I'm still proud you're independent and that was my goal as a mom, like, like when I knew you were going through some of those roller coasters or some of those tough times with criticism or pushback, like my mom, my other's heart realized like hurting.

2:07I'm Jenna Kutcher, and I help you trade hustle for purpose and build a business that gives you the life you actually want to live. From a$300 Craigslist camera to a seven figure business I run from home. I've learned that success isn't just about what you do. It's about how you live. Here, you'll get strategies that work, systems that give you your time back, and steps that turn your effort into results and impact. If you're ready for clarity, confidence, and a business that feels as good as it looks, you're in the right place. This is the Gold Digger Podcast. Today, I'm sitting down with someone who is incredibly dear to me, it's my mom.

2:52She has been on the show before, but it has been years. And honestly, every time that she's here, you ask me to bring her back. You want her wisdom and her perspective, the way she sees straight through to what actually matters. My mom was a nursing instructor for 30 years. We literally can't leave the house without running into one of her students. And the love that they have for her, it's immediate. You can see it in their faces, the kind of teacher that she was and the impact she had on their lives and in their careers. She was also the kind of mom who would ask 21 questions, the one who my friends would actually open up to, the one who made everyone feel safe enough to tell the truth even when I was rolling my eyes in the backseat.

3:35My mom is fierce. She is crazy persuasive. And her well of empathy runs so deep that people just trust her. And she's really deeply, deeply respected because of it. She built her impact face to face in classrooms and living rooms and hospital hallways. She shaped people and held space and asked the hard questions that made them think differently. And I realized that as I've gotten older, we need collectively to learn from women like her, the ones who led in different ways than we do, the ones whose platform looked different, but whose influence was undeniable. The ones who remind us that impact isn't about how loud you are, it's about how deeply you show up.

4:20So today we're talking about motherhood and identity, about the differences between her generation and mine, about what it means to be a safe space for people, about what gets passed down when you lead with presence and not performance. This conversation is for me. It's for my daughters. It's for anyone trying to learn from the women who came before us, the ones who did things differently and the ones whose power showed up in ways we're only now learning to name. So, mom, I know you were reluctant, but thank you for being here. Today, you get to be everyone's mama. Let's talk. well hi there mom hi there jim welcome back okay i'm so excited about today thank you for saying yes it has been three years since you came on the show that's a long time that doesn't like time yeah time goes by so fast it does okay so i wanted to break this up into three different parts so the first part is just kind of like legacy and mothering as a whole and then part two i want to talk about what's different because i think from like a generational perspective there's so many things that we're dealing with that you didn't and things that you had to deal with that we don't even understand.

5:29And then lastly, just talking about like identity and seasons, because as women, I think we go through a lot of different evolutions and, you know, aging and all these different things. And so let's start at the top, which is kind of a legacy piece. So when you think about how you mothered us and looking back, like what surprises you the most about that journey? Yeah, I think how fast it goes was what came to mind right away. And again, that's a cliche everyone says. But again, already seeing the grandkids are like seeing, for example, the oldest grandson is almost as tall as me now. And our oldest Joe's going to be 40 this year.

6:12Like dad and I just felt like we were 40 just a blink of an eye ago. So I know people always say, like, don't blink, they grow up. But I do think it goes fast. And I remember, you know, my dad who passed away recently always said, even the older you get, the quicker it goes. And I almost think, too, because if you look at your life like a pie and like how much is left. So if I live a good long life, I have maybe a third left if I'm lucky. So I think when you look at perspective or like as a child for Christmas to come, your perspective is so different. Right. So, yeah, I think just how fast it goes is probably the biggest thing for me.

6:51I feel I mean, I even feel that now today, like my oldest is sitting at the table and I'm like, your legs are so long. And oh, my. Like, it's just like all these things. And it's crazy because everything is so temporary, even though it feels like so permanent when you're in it. And then it's like you look back and it is such a blur, which is good in some parts and bad in some parts. But it's like, I get it. Like I was just holding a newborn baby the other day and it was just like, whoa, like this feels both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. Right. And I'm like, is that the rest of our lives? Like, that's kind of what it seems.

7:27Yes and no. You know, we'll talk a bit more later. I feel like the stage of life, it has slowed down in some ways, but it still goes super fast. So it's kind of time is kind of abstract to me to describe. I do think how fast it's grown. And then I think I even see it more now with all the grandkids because on the various stages and how quick they're all spurting up. Yeah, it's crazy. I think when I think of this question to what surprises me the most now as a mom looking back at how you mothered is I I feel maybe this is like the superhero mom status is that you had an endless capacity to mother each of us individually.

8:06And now I'm like, holy crap, that takes a lot of work. Do you think that I I feel complimented that you say that? Because at the time, I don't know if I was mindfully thinking about that. But I do feel like when you have interests, I tap into them. So I don't feel like it took a lot of energy because I truly enjoyed it. Like I can tell motherhood, like I'm looking at you, motherhood gives you joy and it truly gave me joy. Like I've done a lot of things in my life I'm proud of. But being a mom is probably my most proud because I truly loved it. I did. You know, it's just like even growing up, I shared this on a podcast years ago, but that was like what I always wanted to do is be a mom where that isn't what everybody wants to do.

8:50And not that it's always easy, but I truly felt that was destiny for me or what I wanted. And it came true. And I'm thankful, you know, I was just telling someone the other day. So like when she says she tapped into like our interests, I feel like I was the multi, multi, multi passionate child. was like, you did not know what was going to come out of my mouth. And I mean, we laugh now because we have so many funny memories. But like the year I wanted to do 4-H and like showed my bunny in this fair and like people had purebred bunnies like this bunny was a mutt like that we got from some random house.

9:25And like my parents are just like, sure, you can do 4-H. Or I was telling someone this story the other day about how when I would say like, I want to be a vet, my mom would reach out to the local vet and I'll never forget she set up I mean I was probably nine maybe I got to job shadow the vet and I remember getting to watch like cats get fixed and a turtle get dissected I was like never mind I want to rescue animals I don't want to cut them open but like you also created opportunities where it was always like if you want to do something like let's explore that and I feel like that probably ignited the fuel of like it's okay to have a lot of ideas and passions and I think that has helped me a lot moving forward of like well nothing seems that crazy like try it on see if it works yeah I totally believe that too I don't think we're meant to be in a box and I think we are meant to be creative and I think kids are intrinsically creative and life and society stifles that so I think as a parent if you can do anything to encourage and not stifle that or like one I'm proud of like when you wanted to be a surgeon and I'd arrange a day for you to be in surgery.

10:36You know, I mean, and I'm the kind of, I always told you too, like just ask if they say no, you're no worse off. But, you know, I'd ask people with competence and they'd be like, yes, I'll take your daughter. Yeah, I mean, I know I was telling someone that the other day too. I was like, I watched colonoscopies, the gallbladder removal, hernia repair. Like, I mean, I just was in it. And a lot of people don't realize, like I went to school. When I went to college, I was signed up for pre-med. Like that was the path I wanted to go down. I mean, totally different than what I'm doing today. But yeah, I just think when I look back, what surprises me now as a mom is just your ability to like foster like, well, let's be curious about it and not shut it down.

11:16And I think that gave me a lot of permission as an adult to carry that forward. Thank you. Yeah. OK, so what's something you were afraid you were getting wrong as a mom that you've now either like made peace with or you see the hidden benefits in it? Okay. I feel like when I was in the thick of it, maybe because again, life was busy and I didn't have all the external pressures. I honestly am not a worrying type as a rule. And I don't feel like I worried a lot about getting wrong because I feel like we're going to get things wrong. We're not perfect. And I did my best and I knew I went to sleep at night that I did my best, even if I messed up.

11:58So I don't think I worried a lot about things. Looking back, one thing I wish we could have done different is, you know, I feel like we were a middle class family. I felt like we always provided things and opportunities, but I wish we would have more mindfully potentially safe for college. but I also feel like we did the best we could and you also learn things because of it but I felt in hindsight that you probably had stressors that at that age of life you shouldn't have maybe but I don't lay at night worrying about it but that's one thing I would have maybe been wiser about that somehow but we truly didn't have a lot of extra money either and yeah you know dad had that year of strike and all those life happened but still that's one thing I wish would have been a little different, but I don't kick myself about it.

12:46Yeah. I mean, I think it's so interesting because I'm raising kids in a very different state. I think you and I talk about that a lot because looking back growing up, like there were seasons that were challenging financially. And then there were seasons where we just we got by and it was fine and we were great. And I think that we I I learned a lot through every different season. I think I was very aware, like just hyper aware. And I think that that has made me who I am today. And so like looking, you now have three financially independent children who have gone on to be incredibly successful, frugal, wise with their money.

13:28So like, well, can you can you really look back? But I also do see your point in like, I remember a summer working three jobs or things like that, where it was like, well, we're going to do it. And so I mean, who knows, it could have been the thing that was the benefits to all of us. And I think that a lot of money mindset things are things that you just have to work through. Like no matter if you're a child or an adult, like you have to learn those lessons at some point. And so some people just learn them earlier. I think I have been thinking a lot, even just with like the economic situation and like with benefits changing and people worried about putting food on their table.

14:06It does send me back to like the year when dad is on strike. And I remember like a turkey showing up at our door. It's like, wow, like how quickly the rug can come out from under people that are hardworking. And also just the reality of like, oh, all of a sudden it's a one income family. Right. For three kids. When I was part time. Yes. So like I just see too, I think I see the humanness in how situations can quickly change and how people are literally doing the best they can. Exactly. It's wild. It is wild. Yeah. I've been reflecting on how old was I? I was trying to find the letter. I know. Yeah.

14:44Jenna wrote a letter to the editor when my husband was on strike. I think you were roughly seventh grade maybe. Yeah. And in some ways too, when you said I was very aware, again, in some ways too, I don't know if I added to your stress. I was trying to be honest with you, but we were like, well, how are things? I'd be like, well, we got to buckle up a little bit because this is a situation. And and then I think because you were so wise, you maybe took, you know, maybe I shared more than I should have. Again, I don't kick myself because I felt like I was being honest with you. But as I think I asked a million views yet and I tried to, you know, foster that curiosity.

15:18But also you don't want it to be a worry thing either. But you wrote a beautiful letter to the editor. And yeah, so I felt like I wanted to tell you enough to be aware, but not to add stress to your life. Like, we're fine, but we got to buckle up, you know. It's kind of, yeah. No, I think it's good. My cousin's getting married soon, and I haven't been to a wedding since I stopped photographing them seven years ago. We're so excited because we're getting our entire family together and booking a home on Airbnb for the festivities. Coco even asked if she can be the flower girl, so now I need to teach her how weddings actually work.

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17:48How do you know when to hold on and when to let go as a mom? I think that's something that even now I'm like noticing with my oldest of like testing and boundaries. And, you know, I basically feel like I'm mothering myself in a lot of ways because she is so much like me. I see that creative spirit and that drive and that stubbornness. I'm like, I am reparenting myself through parenting this child. And so any advice on that? Well, some letting go comes through rites of passage, like going to kindergarten or going to college. I mean, some of those just are natural letting go, even though they kind of hit your heart.

18:27Other times, I think it's individualized based on the child. Like, you know, when we started leaving you home alone, for example, is like, when do we feel you're responsible enough? And each child might have been a little different age. So you individualize it to the person, but still try to be fair overall throughout the three, but still you're individuals too, and you use your common sense and your gut instinct. And I always felt like my job as a mom was to raise you to be an independent person. Yeah. And I am an independent person and I value who I am as an individual and I love you all to pieces.

19:07But I wanted you to love yourself and be good individually. No. Yeah. I feel like my job was to launch you and be there for you, but let you be and grow independently. Yeah. You did a good job on that one. I feel like you see all types of mothers and I think no mother is better than the other. But there are the moms who are like, they want to just be deeply intrinsically involved. And I feel like you were as available as you were in the capacities that we needed and without like meddling or overstepping, which I think is a delicate dance. fan. Sick. Oh, they do. Yeah. Okay. So I want to scoot to like generational because I genuinely have been thinking even with grandma, we've been doing visits with her.

19:52And just like thinking of the beautiful things that can be passed down and the lessons we learned. I actually feel like I've been channeling grandma a lot with gardening and just like different things that like really brought her joy and connecting with that. And so my first question is, what do you see in my generation of women that worries you and what gives you hope? Because I think there's a lot happening right now. I think all the technology and social media and pressures and immediacy of everything and even AI, I mean, that's all stuff that was not even a thing in our generation. But with that also can come, you know reliable evidence-based information you know support groups you can follow that go around your belief system I mean there's a lot of beauty too but I almost like when I walk around or go out to eat you know I see so many people glued to their phones and young kids too and that just makes my heart sad like I feel like we're missing human connection and technology has gotten to be too big and again there were you know no yes you know so dial up internet that we barely got on our dirt road.

21:06Hey, exactly. So I think that's probably the biggest thing that comes to mind for parents and children, honestly. And I think even as a parent, I think it can be a fine line like, when does your child get a phone and what parameters do you have on it? And how do you keep them safe? I mean, all their peers are and you're not ready. And I mean, all those things can, I think, sound super challenging and I didn't have to deal with that. Yeah. I think we dealt with, you know, when you got a phone when you were 16. That's what I told Coco. Yeah. She goes, when can I get a phone? I said, when you're 16 and driving a vehicle.

21:37So yeah, I mean, it is it's a whole new ballgame. And I think we've had to navigate and figure out, like, what does this even look like? Because right, like we're the first generation raising kids with access to all of this, both in how we're showing our own journeys, but also then how our kids being influenced by them. And it's a lot of trial and error. And I feel like we're finally hitting a point where a lot of those kids that grew up on social media are now adults. And like, what is that impact? And what does that look like? And obviously, I've changed my mind and perspective on what that looks like.

22:10And I feel, you know, my deep desire is to not be glued to my phone. And I model that. And so if that's my desire for my kids, like, it's also my desire for me. And that is such a tricky thing, right? Especially because the internet has afforded us so many incredible things and connections and impact. And so it's a big untangling of like the role it plays, what you give it merit in your life, what you allow to come in and what you allow to go out. Like it's it's interesting. And I feel like I've made a huge shift in recent years of just like privacy and like how I want to be on the Internet. But I mean, honestly, most days I don't even want to be on the Internet.

22:52So, yeah, I feel like that's the biggest thing I see. Yeah. But then I even see a lot of my generation scrolling all the time and being on phones excessively. Yeah. So yes, it's not just your generation too. It's universal. It is. And yeah, sad. What gives you hope about our generation? I think I see like how I've seen you kind of go back to roots, you know, in regarding chickens and gardening and sourdough and honeybees and all the things. Like I do think a lot of your generation is coming back to the basics and realizing the beauty in that and you know simplifying slowing down hands in the dirt you know and I feel like that is you know again not with everyone but it feels like a trend where that's kind of coming back for a lot of people are just wanting to slow down and be more present another thing that I see in your generation more positive.

23:45I just see the father's much more involved. Yeah. You know, so I mean, for example, you know, when I say what drew it does. And yeah, so I just see differences generationally that are really cool. Yeah. I mean, it's interesting because we laugh because we had a garden. And I told my mom the other day, I mean, we did our best and we would set up a baby monitor and then we'd hook it up to the radio under the kitchen sink and like listen to music out in the garden. And I remember singing calendar girl, all these different songs together while we would weed the garden. And I think about your generation, which was really the one coming out of where the woman stays home and is the homemaker.

24:24And for your generation, when you look at just what was trending and what was happening, it was a huge surgence of processed foods. It was, you know, the Weight Watchers generation. It was women trying to do it all and juggle it all like they have never had to in the past. So now you have a career, you're also raising kids, you're also putting food on the table. And so it became this generation of convenience out of necessity, right? Like there weren't options. And so it is interesting, this cycle we're on, just like all fashion trends come back around. I do feel like I feel connected to grandma, not that you didn't have a garden, but like it was so natural to her.

25:04It was like, Like composting was like breathing, you know? And so I feel like it is interesting to think of just the pressures and the things that you dealt with. And then now that we're kind of coming back around, I do think it gives me hope. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But food, too. Yes. Again, our generation was kind of like a first generation where most all my peers, all my female friends were out working. Yeah. But doing, you know, still there was still the stereotypes of female roles and male roles. Yeah, totally. And I think that just keeps evolving. But yeah. And again, processed foods, that was like promoted like hamburger helper.

25:42This was your C &P alarm. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And you thought you were doing healthy things. Yes. And I mean, 100 percent. Like, that's where I mean, it's interesting because it's like even I mean, I remember you would make us eat Brussels sprouts. And my friend Molly hated Brussels sprouts and she ate at our house all the time. And like you had the balance of a meal, but it was all coming out of a box. And that was just literally the reality. And so it's interesting, too, to think through like just beliefs and patterns and things like that that come given the context of the culture. Right. So, yeah, it's been interesting.

26:15If you were navigating my life right now, what is the first thing you think you would release or do differently? Like if you were in my shoes. like if I were in your shoes I don't think I ever would have been like uh on social media I mean I mean to the point you are I am with my friends yeah no at a low level but I think I'm too sensitive and I don't you know when I'm seeing I just feel like there's so many opinions and pushback and criticisms that I think I have too tender a heart that I couldn't be in your shoes and be strong enough. So would you give up social media? I would. I mean, that's the one thing I, like, I think you've changed lives.

27:01I'm very proud of you. You've been influential in my life in a beautiful way. But I know I would have never, even if people said, here, you can be a social media star. I would say I do not want them because I don't think I could stand all the negative stuff. Yeah, I was with it. I mean, I don't think I can either. I mean, it's like, I think we all have like really tender hearts. Yeah. And I think I've had to learn how to use that muscle. And I mean, thank God for therapy and all the things that have helped me just separate like my life from the Internet to like my actual life. But I think for many years, they were very murky.

27:40And it was like, where does one start and the other one end? You know, like what is that intersection of both of those things? And now I feel pretty unrattled. I feel like very firm and clear. I don't lose sleep over it, especially if I'm standing in my truth and like I feel good about it. But yeah, we've kind of seen the whole roller coaster of it. And just, you know, I think like that's why I can't imagine having kids on it because it's like as a grown adult who has done a lot of healing work and is very confident, it can shake you to your core, right? It can make you question everything about yourself, the way you look.

28:19I mean, everything. Right. And so it's fascinating to me that, you know, they they have all these projections of like kids. That's what they want to do now because they see this. And it's like there is a dark side to all of it. Right. And it's like very few people can actually manage it and manage it well. Yeah. And I feel like, too, even though I said I'm so proud you're independent and that was my goal as a mom, like like when I knew you were going through some of those roller coasters or some of those tough times with criticism or pushback. Like my mom, my other's heart where I like hurting.