419: What It Really Means to Have Integrity

0:00It's a Wednesday morning and my team member asks me for one little thing. Can you take a look at this draft and share your thoughts? That's it. One thing. So, of course, I say yes and I mean it. That same week, a friend asks me for a book recommendation for her team's upcoming off-site. I say yes and that I'll send it over. And my daughter asks if I can pick up more shampoo. Yes, of course. Three yeses. Three small, easy, well-intentioned yeses. Then Thursday rolls around and I haven't looked at the document. I have not sent that book recommendation. It's still sitting in my head and not in her inbox.

0:39And there's no shampoo in the shower. None of these are big. Nobody's life is being ruined because I forgot the shampoo or to send the book recommendation. But here's what I noticed is starting to happen. I start to feel this low hum of frustration with myself every time I see that team member. or I get a text from my friend or I walk through the door of my daughter's bedroom. Not because they said anything, but because I know. I know that I said yes and that I haven't done the thing. This is what happens when you break your word to someone, even in the smallest way, over and over. Hello and welcome to The Modern Manager.

1:18I'm Mamie Camper-Stewart and every week I share strategies and tips to help you close the gap between knowing what good management is and actually doing it.

1:26Mamie Kanfer Stewart: And if you're listening to the podcast, hit follow so that you'll never miss an episode. Today, I want to talk about integrity, not the version that most of us are thinking of, which is acting according to your values. Are you honest? Are you kind? Do you walk your talk? Of course, that version matters, but it's not the one that has been tripping me up. The version I'm talking about is smaller and turns out it's actually harder, keeping the commitments that you make to other people. Every, sure, I'll send you that. Every, yep, I got it. Every yes that you toss off in a hallway or email or text thread.

2:04I've been working with a framework from the book, The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaylee Klemp. And they make a claim that really just hit me. Integrity, it's not a personality trait. It's a practice. And it's built from a specific, repeatable process. and most of us, like myself, are skipping a bunch of the steps without even realizing it.

2:27Mamie Kanfer Stewart: So here's the thing. I already know that I should follow through on what I say. Everyone knows that. You don't need a book to tell you that breaking your word is a bad thing to do. So why is it that capable, well-meaning people, myself very much included, keep doing it? It's not a character problem. It's a process problem. We treat yes as the finish line when it's actually the starting line. We say yes, and we're like, got it, in my head, good to go. No structure, no follow-up, no accounting for whether we actually have the capacity or the clarity to deliver what we just said yes to. So let's be real for a second about what this costs us.

3:06Mamie Kanfer Stewart: Because on the surface, forgetting a bottle of shampoo or not sending a book recommendation seems pretty harmless. But it isn't. It's actually a trust tax, and it compounds. At work, when I don't follow through on something small, a teammate learns quietly that my yes doesn't really mean yes. It's more work for them because they now have to follow up and ask again. That's just one more distraction from focusing on their own work because now they also have to focus on mine. And at home, the text is a little different, but just as real. My friend wonders if she should just find the book herself next time.

3:42Mamie Kanfer Stewart: and my daughter is secretly annoyed with me and it shows up under the surface of every conversation. Nobody says any of this out loud. It just accumulates as a quiet erosion of trust between me and the people that I lead or love. And of course, there is a cost to me too. Every broken commitment, even a tiny one, it's a small hit to how I see myself. I start to feel like someone who couldn't be relied on, which is not who I am or who I want to be as a leader or a partner or a parent or a friend. And that feeling does not stay contained to just the missed task. It starts to leak into how I show up everywhere.

4:20Mamie Kanfer Stewart: So here's the first idea. A commitment, it's not a moment. It is a structure with parts and each of them need to be followed consistently. Part one, the commitment has to be specific. No, sure, I'll get to that. Not sometime this week. Who is doing what by when? I'd be happy to review that document by 10 a.m. Friday. Does that work for you? Never. Sure, I'd be happy to look at this later that week. Part two, before you say yes, check for what the book calls a whole body yes. Not a polite yes, not a yes because saying no feels awkward. An actual full body yes, where you know that you have the time and the intention to follow through.

5:01Mamie Kanfer Stewart: If what you're feeling is hesitation or obligation, that's information and that is your cue to renegotiate those terms right there not agree and hope that it works out so if you're worried you don't have the time to review your document this week don't tell them that you will tell them is it okay if i get it to you by next tuesday or is there a specific section that you need me to look over by friday because i'm not sure i'll be able to look at everything part three and this is the one that was game changer for me write down your task and put it in your task system. Do not trust your memory. No matter how good your memory is, the commitment has to live somewhere outside your head, somewhere that you check regularly for what you need to do.

5:43This could be a document or a notepad or a project board, or in my case, a voice note that I record to myself. The second someone asks me for something that I say yes to, and that gets automatically stored into notion. This simple habit of getting clarity, confirming you can actually do it and adding it to your to-do list, no matter how small of an ask, that has significantly increased my ability to follow through. But life changes. And at some point you realize that you can't keep a commitment that you made. That is not a failure of integrity on its own. It's a failure of integrity. If you say nothing and just let the deadline pass, instead you need to go back to that person as soon as you know and renegotiate.

6:26I said I'd get that book recommendation to you today, and I'm probably not going to get to it until this weekend. Does that work or is it a game changer? You really need it right now. That single sentence, that proactivity, that's what integrity sounds like in practice. Not perfection. It's honesty about capacity delivered before the deadline, not after. And when you do break an agreement and you haven't renegotiated, you've got to follow the repair process. You own it without an excuse. I know I said I'd get you that book recommendation last Friday. I'm so sorry that I was late and I realized that might have been really problematic for you.

7:03Simply apologize, then do what it takes to rebuild trust because skipping repair, that's its own second break of integrity. So here's what I want you to try this week and it's the same thing that I've been doing for myself. First, the next time that you're about to say yes to something, pause for just a second and ask, is this a whole body? Yes. Can I attach a specific date and time right now? So I'll know when it's due. And if you can't, instead of yes, say something like, let me check my week and I'll get back to you by tomorrow with a deadline. That is a better answer than a yes that you're not so sure you can keep.

7:39Second, get every commitment out of your head. The moment that you make it for me, the simplest process is recording a voice memo that is connected to my task list. I just don't trust myself to remember, so now I don't have to. Use whatever system fits your life. A notepad, a shared board, a message to yourself. The tool matters less than the habit of never letting a commitment live only in memory or die on a sticky note that you're never going to look at again. And third, when you realize you're going to miss something, go to that person beforehand, not after. That is it. Now I am still not a person who never drops a ball and I probably never will be, but I am someone who's honest about it early instead of quiet about it late.

8:26Mamie Kanfer Stewart: And the best part is that my own stress has gone down and the trust that I have with others has gone up. And that is what integrity is actually about. So if you want to try this, pick one commitment that you're making today, an email, a favor, a deadline, run it through the process, make it specific, check for that whole body. Yes, write it down somewhere that you'll actually see it. And if you want more on integrity, check out the book, the 15 commitments of conscious leadership. I'll link to it in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me until next time.