Beautiful Boy: A Father's Heartache - An Addict Son

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0:45They want to know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? You are listening to The Oprah Winfrey Show, the podcast. It is a painful secret millions of families are too ashamed to talk about, but one father has come forward to share the heartbreak and the agony of loving a child on a path of total self-destruction. In 2005, David Sheff, an award-winning journalist, revealed his heart-wrenching struggle to help his son Nick survive and overcome a ravaging crystal meth addiction. And he was not alone. His article, published in The New York Times magazine, drew an overwhelming response from parents of addicts grateful that someone had finally given them a voice.

1:34Beautiful Boy, his new book, delves deeper into the devastation of Nick's drug abuse and its crippling impact on their entire family. Today, David is reaching even more readers. Just recently, Starbucks selected his memoir for their national book club. David is here.

1:57Starbucks chooses really good books, too, I must say. Why did you decide to go public? You know, this was when this hit our family. We were like, I think, so many families in this country who feel, you know, I was not naive about drugs. I used drugs when I was a kid. Some of my friends, you know, went by the wayside. But I still thought, like most of us, you know, this could never happen to our family. And when it did, we were so blindsided. We were so devastated that I realized that this is something we have to talk about. If we don't talk about it, it's not like there's an easy solution. It's not like talking about it is going to solve the problem, but at least it's a start.

2:32So that's really what happened. Didn't it start because you wrote that article for the New York Times, I think 2005? Yeah, and even for that, it was sort of, you know, how are we going to go public with this, expose our family, my son, to such scrutiny? You know, Nick was encouraging me to go forward and my family was. And then once I did that, I realized that there was... I realized the power of telling a story like this because it opens the door to other people. It gives people permission to tell about what they're going... And also, you're a writer by trade. That's what you do for a living.

2:57Absolutely. I mean, writing was actually a tool to get through this. I would be up in the middle of the night, and that's how I would make it till the morning. I would sit there and write and write and write. Now, had you kept Nick's addiction a secret from friends and family? I did. At first, I was trying to protect Nick, first of all, I think. I didn't want people to think badly of my son. And then the other thing, I think I was trying to protect myself, frankly. I was ashamed. My son is a drug addict. I mean, what does this mean? What does it mean about me? Yeah, there's a point in the book, I can't remember what page, where you say you were stunned at how absolutely in denial you were.

3:32Well, as I read the book, I was too stunned at how absolutely in denial you were. Yeah, I was in denial. I think that maybe it's just me, but I kind of think we parents are wired for denial because to see the trouble that a child is in is so painful, it's so terrifying, that I would hear the good things, I'd see the good things, I'd block out the terrifying course that we were on until it was impossible to deny anymore. Okay. Well, as a little boy, David's son, Nick, seemed to have it all, a winning personality and a bright future. But as every year passed, David's dream for his son just started to slip away.

4:13This is where I raised my beautiful boy. I mean, this was Nick's childhood. You know, this healthy sort of outdoor San Francisco Bay is sort of almost a reflection of him, this sort of golden, shining light.

4:27He had this sort of joyfulness, this love of life. When Nick was only four years old, his parents went through a bitter divorce. He grew up splitting his time between his dad's home in Northern California and his mom's in L.A. For many years, David thought his son was handling things pretty well. He went to independent, you know, private schools. He was almost always on the honor roll. He was the captain of the water polo team. David had no idea that by middle school, Nick was secretly smoking marijuana every day. When I first found pot in his backpack when he was 12, I was so freaked out. And it was partly because it felt like a betrayal of our trust.

5:11We brought Nick to a therapist right away. And then he started experimenting with other drugs. and I had some glimpses about it. And again, I was worried, but I also was a parent in denial. Acid, mushrooms, ecstasy, and cocaine. Today to Tara, these drugs quickly became the center of his beloved son's world. I knew that he was in trouble. You know, I was walking this line about, you know, about trying to, you know, advise him to help him and not lose him. When Nick turned 18, Nick found methamphetamine. Methamphetamine stole his soul. Our lives descended, Nick's life descended into what can only be described as hell.

6:01Now, when he, when, at 12, when you discovered the pot in his bag, he stopped for a while. He did. And, you know, also he told me what I wanted to hear. So did he completely stop? He said, you know, I made a mistake. The kids at school were doing it. It was cool. Also, you know, I got these mixed messages from the teachers, even. I went to talk to his teacher. I talked to a counselor, and they said, you know, Nick's fine. He's a smart kid. He's going to be fine. He's doing well in school. He's got a lot of friends. So it wasn't that I completely dismissed it. I was worried, but I didn't take it seriously.

6:30But you also knew as a parent that it was easy for him to do well. I mean, when it came time for college, he got into, you know, almost every college that he applied for. He did. And yet his, I can't remember who, but one of the teachers or senior advisors had said he broke the record for skipping school. Yeah, by the time he got to be a senior, that's when things started to get, he was getting in more and more trouble. And yet it was, even then, a teacher, actually it was a therapist who said to me, you know, he's acting out, he's got, he was already enrolled to go start at Berkeley in the fall.

7:01And he was skipping classes and he sort of said to me, listen, I'm getting ready for college, don't worry. And this counselor said to me, you know, college will straighten him out. So did I believe it? Yeah, whatever. I wanted to believe it. So... Yeah. Well, in the book, David writes about sharing a joint with Nick. He describes it as a desperate attempt to connect with his son. Do you regret that? I do regret it. I thought about it sort of like this moment. Nick was already on this course, and I was desperate to connect with him. And stupidly, you know, he'd lit a joint. I took it. I thought about it.

7:35Maybe I rationalized it in my mind. And, you know, it's sort of like another generation. The dad would finally have a beer with his son. It was this rite of passage. You have this heart-to-heart talk. And then, of course, what does that say? Where's the hypocrisy? You know, I'm saying don't do this. I'm saying be careful of this thing. I'm smoking a joint with him. It was not something I'm proud of. I also know that I'm not the only one. I've heard from so many people who have very similar stories. You know, is that what ultimately made Nick a drug addict? I don't think so. And how extensively had you done drugs in your youth?

8:01Well, I didn't go anywhere near as far as Nick, but I tried a lot of drugs. I tried almost heroin. I never injected drugs. I never tried heroin, things like that. But I used a lot of drugs. And I watched my college roommate, you know, at 2 o 'clock in the morning, I was the one who would say, listen, I got school in the morning. I got to go to bed. And he'd look at me like I was crazy because he's the one who, you know, he was just getting started. And he became addicted and he died by the time he was 40 years old. He didn't make it. Okay. So you made the decision as a parent to tell your child, to tell, to tell Nick that you had done drugs, right?

8:33Yeah. Yeah, I did. Even though some people said, don't do that. Yeah, there was all these mixed messages. Some people say, do do it. Some people say, don't do it. Yeah, the experts even today, half and half, you know. But I felt, when I was a child, my parents were from a gen... My parents didn't know anything about drugs. They didn't even drink. You know, they didn't have a glass of wine at dinner. So when they said, you know, don't just say no, it was before Nancy Reagan, but it was still that message, just say no, I kind of rolled my eyes and thought, you know, they don't know what they're talking about.

8:55And it didn't even enter the picture. So I thought I'd have some credibility, because I did know people who... whose lives were destroyed by drugs. So I thought when I warned him, you know, it was, I didn't know. And wasn't there a point, yes, you tell the story in the book where you're giving, I call it, another lecture, and you're saying, I know people who died from this and I know that, and you're, and Nick says, hey, but you did drugs. I know. That's the problem with this. It's a mixed message. They bring these athletes to schools now or other, you know, people who've done well, and they say, you know, don't use drugs.

9:25I almost died. Well, what did the kids see? They see this person who not only survived, but they're thriving. So it is a mixed message, and I think that that's a problem. We have to figure out how to better talk to kids about this. Okay. Daddy. Yes, sweetheart. Daddy. What? Daddy. Yes, sweetheart. Daddy. Daddy. I love you. Well, that was David Sheff's beautiful boy about 16 years before he descended into a world of drugs, heroin, cocaine, crystal meth. Nick says he's been clean now for a little over two years.

10:03How did you feel the first time you read your father's book? Well, I cried a lot. You know, I mean, I felt like, I don't know, I guess like I didn't really realize that when I was using and like when I was trying to kill myself, you know, through using that I was really affecting everyone around me. You know, I sort of thought that I was living in a vacuum or something. And, you know, when I read his book and just saw how much his life had been, you know, just ripped apart by my using and how, you know, his marriage had been, you know, tested and how my little brother and sister were affected, it was devastating.

10:40I mean, I remember, you know, yeah, really just having to stop every five or ten pages and just cry. And I remember calling my girlfriend's mom and just, you know, sobbing to her on the phone. So it was super devastating for sure. Because all the time you were using, you never thought what you were doing to other people? I mean, I thought about it a little bit, but I sort of felt like, you know, if I was going to kill myself, that was my business. And so, you know, I was just should be left alone to do what I was going to do, you know. And, yeah, I mean, I knew there was a little piece of me, you know, deep down that knew that what I was doing was really tearing my family apart.

11:16But I didn't want to see that, you know. And I think that's part of the reason that I kept using drugs, you know, was to blot out that pain or whatever. Uh-huh. What were you trying to blot out? You started at, what, 11? Yeah, I started, well, I drank, I got drunk for the first time when I was 11. And, yeah, I mean, I think I was just this really sensitive kid, you know, and the world was really abrasive and overwhelming, and I felt really hopeless. How did you get drunk at 11? How did that tell us about that? We were up at a ski cabin, you know, in Tahoe, and there was a liquor cabinet and me and my friend just took, you know, a little bit of each liquor so that it wouldn't, you know, you wouldn't notice how much had been taken out of the bottle and mixed it with, like, some lemonade or something and drank it.

12:00And the weird thing is is that my friend, you know, drank a little bit of it and was like, oh, this is gross, you know, but for me, I don't know, it was like this weird, like, instantaneous thing. When I started drinking it, I just, I couldn't stop, you know, almost right away. And I blacked out and I ended up, you know, throwing up everywhere. And, yeah, the reaction that my body had to alcohol was definitely strange. Well, Nick has written his own version of this story in his new memoir. It's called Tweak, Growing Up on Methamphetamines. The experiences documented in this book are his best recollections of what happened while he was using drugs.

12:36And in light of the controversy of A Million Little Pieces and other memoirs that have faced scrutiny, Nick and his publisher include a disclaimer that says that this work is a memoir. It reflects the author's present recollections of his experiences over a period of years. Certain names, locations, and identifying characters have been changed. Certain individuals are composites. Dialogue and events have been recreated from memory and in some cases have been compressed to convey the substance of what was said or what occurred. You kept a journal even when you were on drugs? Yeah, I was always writing.

13:11I mean, even when I was on the street and homeless, you know, I was always... I don't know, I think it was like writing was a way of sort of trying to have some control over this totally out of control situation or make sense of this totally nonsensical situation. And I have those journals. I mean, I just actually, my dad pulled out some when I was back home, you know, this last weekend. And it's painful to read, but it's also really sort of cool to have a record of everything that happened. I love the journal entry where you wrote, How the hell did I get here? It doesn't seem that long ago that I was on the water polo team.

13:46I was an editor of the school newspaper, acting in the spring play, obsessing about which girls I liked. The kids in my class are in college. This isn't so much sad as it is baffling. At the time, it all seemed so positive and harmless. Yeah. I mean, I, well, I mean, I guess, obviously, I didn't want to become a drug addict, you know? I mean, when I was a little kid, that wasn't my goal for the future. So, you know, it was, I mean, it did take me by surprise. And it, you know, it's... When you wrote that in your journal, where were you? What had happened? What state? I think that was when I was at my first rehab.

14:21I went through rehab five times. Five times, yeah. Yeah, I'd been in there for maybe a little while and sort of, I don't know, when I first went into rehab, I finally really started to see that maybe like, yeah, I might have this disease that they were talking about called alcoholism, and that I might never be able to have control over my consumption of drugs and alcohol. I wasn't totally convinced, but I was getting there. The first time you didn't. And even you weren't convinced. I thought... You're looking at him in rehab, you're seeing him with the other kids, and you're thinking, well, he's not like those addicts.

14:54No, he's not a drug addict. No, he's made a mistake. I mean, he pushed, as he said, he pushed things too far. Even a counselor said, well, if Nick's rebellion is extreme, it's because you didn't give him a lot to rebel against, so I'm taking it on my shoulders. It is my fault, after all. And I'm thinking, you know, yeah, it's good that he's in rehab because it sort of pulled him off the streets and he's safe for the moment. But then we'll get back to our life. You know, he's going to go back to college. And all the sort of plans that I had for my son, you know, were just these expectations or these assumptions.

15:20Everything would be back, would be okay. It was very naive. I didn't understand the dictionary. When you read his book, are you surprised at how in denial he was? Or do you think that you really were good at fooling him and lying? No, I'm surprised at how... I was surprised at how in denial he was when I was using and I was lying to him about it. I sort of was baffled that he was falling for my lies or something. So, yeah, and when I read the book, yeah, I mean, it was amazing to me that I could be inside, you know, having, being in so much pain and having, you know, just this tumultuous inner world and that externally, you know, I guess I appeared very, like, centered and calm or something because, you know, he didn't see what was going on inside of me at all.

16:03And then it all changed the first time you did crystal meth, correct? Yeah. I mean, with, you know, with everything else that I tried, you know, it was like I had been really, you know, I had this pain inside of me. I did. And I was, you know, looking for something to numb it out, you know. But when I tried crystal for the first time, I mean, the first time I did a line of crystal, it was like, you know, my whole world changed. It was like, you know, the missing piece that I'd been looking for my whole life. You know, I just felt like confident and strong and like I could do anything, you know.

16:35I felt like a rock star, you know, just had just, I don't know. I mean, it was like everything that I'd been missing my whole life, you know. And I wanted to hold on to that feeling because it was exactly what I needed. And then? And then the crash, which is, you know, the worst. How long after that did you crash? Well, I mean, I remember, I mean, even just the first time coming down off Crystal, I remember, you know, lying in my bed, and I was, like, sweating the drug out of my body, and I was shaking and stuff. And, I mean, it was just this, like, intense, horrible, wrenching pain. Like, someone had come in with a vacuum cleaner and just sucked out every good feeling that I'd ever had in my whole life, you know.

17:13So, I don't know. I mean, that was another reason that I had to keep using because I was so afraid of having that crash, you know. But, you know, eventually, I guess, like with every drug, you know, it stops working. it stops taking that pain away. And so I was just using all the time. But I was never feeling really euphoric like I had. You know, I was just sort of staying well. Yeah, I hear you're always chasing the first high. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You say on page 20, the truth was I didn't want to stop. It's not like I enjoyed stealing or hurting my dad or whatever. I mean, I hated it, but I was so scared of coming off the drugs.

17:49It was like this horrible, vicious cycle. The more I use, the more I did things I was ashamed of, and the more I had to use, so I never had to face that. Yeah, absolutely.

18:02Well, as a teenage addict, Nick ran away from home many times in a manic search for his next high. Yeah, we are in the Tenderloin District in San Francisco. This is Alice Street. And, yeah, this is where I was homeless. This is where I spent a lot of time when I was strung out. You know, it's a big spot for crystal meth and crack. This hotel that's just right up here, we would like go in there and shoot up in the hallways and everything. My arms were pretty horrific to look at. There's a scar from the abscess that I had that, you know, that I almost could have lost my arm from, you know, that they had to cut open and it was like this big old gaping hole.

18:48When Nick would be gone, when I wouldn't know where he was, when he was on the streets. I was consumed with Nick. I was obsessed with him to the point that I couldn't, I could barely function. By now, David was remarried with two young children, Jasper and Daisy. And it was at the expense of my wife, my, you know, beloved little children. How could a parent whose son is in mortal peril like this think about anything else? For five years, David says Nick was on a suicide mission fueled by crystal meth. I tried dealing drugs. You know, I was a sex worker for a little bit of time. You know, I broke into my, you know, parents' house.

19:33I'd steal checks from my stepmom and write them out to myself. But I, you know, literally went into my little brother's, like, piggy bank and stole, you know,$5 from it or$8 to take that the next step and actually make them unsafe. you know, is really something that I'm so ashamed of. I got a call one day that Nick was in a hospital emergency room on life support, and I was told by the doctor that there was a good chance he wasn't going to make it. I called to check on him again, and the nurse told me that he left. And I said, what do you mean he left? And they said that he pulled out the IV, he pulled out the catheter, walked out of the hospital, and it was another one of the many times that I broke down just crying because it seemed so hopeless.

20:17And he got even more hopeless. David remembers one of his many attempts to get Nick into rehab. Well, this is the hate. And it was a neighborhood where I knew that Nick would hang out and score drugs and use drugs. So I came down here and I just scoured these streets, checked alleyways. You know, I ducked into the cafes. I went over in, you know, the record stores. I went, I mean, beat all the bars. I mean, I just, I, it was this crazy, stupid, I mean, utterly ridiculous desperation.

20:46At night there's a ton of street kids around here. We would come specifically to go to this bathroom so we could shoot up in it. Please insert 25 cents. You can lock yourself in there. It's really skinny. I think crystal meth does this thing where you get scales in your skin. I remember just looking in the mirror and it looks like you have scales all over your skin. I was afraid to call my dad. I mean, I was afraid. I was ashamed, too. You know, it was just this idea that I was just going to shoot drugs until I killed myself. Doing crystal, I mean, it made me into, like, an animal. I mean, I would have practically done anything to anybody in order to keep getting it.

21:28After not seeing Nick for several weeks, David finally convinced him to meet at a cafe. Nick was strung out on meth, and I was just beside myself with worry. And I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and he didn't show up. So finally, you know, I was walking around the block again, and I looked up, and there, my God, there he was. And my heart just sunk, because there was my son, my beautiful boy, and he looked like he was walking dead. And now, I didn't know this at the time, but he went to the bathroom, and he shot up again, and when he came out, I begged him. I said, Nick, please get in the car with me, please.

22:06Sorry. I said, please get in the car with me. I want to take you to the hospital or to someplace, and he wouldn't come.

22:18So what happened after that, David? Well, he left, and I went home and did what I was used to doing, which was just suffering and worrying and not sleeping, and calling the hospital occasionally and calling the police to find out. I called the police once, and they said, have you checked the morgue? And, you know, I called the morgue, and I fully expected to hear, yeah, we've got him. So I just had to wait. And I waited, and thank God, you know, thank God. He thinks...thank God before he died, we got him into treatment. Treatment and then treatment and then relapse and then... Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was the thing, too, is that, you know, finally got him into treatment.