How Happy Are You

0:00Through 25 seasons, 4 ,561 episodes, I believe The Oprah Winfrey Show is one of the greatest classrooms in the world. I really never thought of it that way. The aha moments, the breakthroughs, the LOLs, the connections, the occasional ugly cry. I miss him so terribly. I miss him every single minute. The moments that mattered. Maddie! The eye-opening life lessons. Never allow them to take you somewhere else. I'm bringing them back. It's time to open the vault. I've personally chosen these classic episodes to share with you again. Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire.

0:45They want to know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? You are listening to The Oprah Winfrey Show, the podcast.

0:59We're live in Chicago. Right. Thank you. We're live in Chicago today. My pants are too tight. I know that. So you... I didn't have time to change because we were live. So those of you who see my pants, you don't have to write and tell me. I know they're too tight. Today we are asking the question, how happy are you? How happy are you? Everyone in this audience and the five people standing with me right now took a revealing test. and I want you at home to take it, too, to find out how happy you are. We're going to do that in just a few moments. I took it, too, and I discovered that I am so happy that if I...

1:35if really, if there is an afterlife, I really want to come back as myself. I do. That is how happy I am. So, audience, do you think you can tell, and those of you at home, too, we're just going to scan these five people up here. Do you think you can tell who is the happiest person in this group? You think you can tell? Do you? Okay. I think I can too, but I could be wrong. Okay. Because I don't know either. Everyone in this audience has a special high-tech voting device in hand. You have it, right? It's under your seats. And after we give you a couple of clues about each person, we want you to vote for who you think is the happiest.

2:11Okay? Those of you at home can do it too, although you don't have the device. Okay, ready? First up is Peggy. She is a 44-year-old married mother of two teenage sons. Last year, both Peggy's father and her sister died, and her mother is now suffering from Alzheimer's. She works as a bookkeeper in the family business. That's Peggy. Now meet 52-year-old Noreen. Noreen is divorced and the mother of two children in college. She's an avid swimmer. She works in the operations department of a major airline. Okay? Now, this is 27-year-old Lachelle. She is married with no children. She works two jobs and has two dogs.

2:53Last year, four of Lachelle's friends and two family members died within six months. Four and two, okay? Now meet David. He's 53. He's been a funeral director. Looking at dead people. Every day for 30 years, David is married and has two sons. Funeral director. Finally, Lori. She's been married for 15 years, and she has six children. She works in retail and is the vice president of the PTA. Okay, audience? Based on the clues, those of you at home do the same thing. Who do you think is happiest? Each of you has a pageant. It's called pageant communications voting device. The numbers start from the left with Peggy, who is number one.

3:42So, number one. Noreen is number two. Lachelle is number three, David is number four, and Lori is number five. Push the button to cast your vote for who you think is the happiest. Standing here. Who is the happiest? Peggy, Noreen, Lachelle, David, or Lori? Okay. We're gonna reveal who really is the happiest in just a moment. But first, how happy are you, audience? The quiz we're going to give you is one of the most widely used tools in the study of true happiness. There are people who study happiness, and here is how it works. You have to answer these five questions on a scale of one to seven.

4:22Seven would be the highest. Number one, answer this, in most ways my life is close to ideal. Number two, the conditions of my life are excellent. Number three, I am satisfied with my life. Number four, so far I've gotten the important things I want in life. Number five, if I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing. Okay, now, add up your score, those of you at home. The highest score is seven. You all can add, I know. So if you scored between 31 and 35, you are considered extremely satisfied. Okay? If you scored 15 or below, you are considered dissatisfied with your life, and if you scored somewhere in between, you might have a lot of work to do.

5:16You are... You are really feeling bad about yourself. Only 24 % of this audience rated themselves as extremely happy. Doesn't that surprise you? Well, maybe not, because you all voted for yourselves, okay? Okay, 5 % of this audience here, you are dissatisfied with your lives, and the rest of you are somewhere in the middle, okay? Where is Lejeune? Lejeune. Okay? You scored a perfect 35 out of 35. Yeah, stand up. Stand up. And why are you so happy? I am from Baltimore, Maryland. I am a professor at Goucher College. I teach in the Education Department. Yeah. I was a sophomore when you delivered the commencement speech in 1981.

5:57I was going to say, I spoke there in 1981. Yes, you did. This is my student, Erica Green, who's with me. You were at the school when I spoke. I was a sophomore. We shook hands after you delivered the commencement speech in 1981. Is that you?

6:11Girl, is that you? Okay. And now each year for the past four years, I've taken my students to Grahamstown, South Africa. Yeah. We teach in the rural schools for one month. Okay. So you get to see how other people live and also makes you feel better about how you live. Absolutely. I recognize my personal privilege and thank God every day for all the gifts I've been given. Oh, that's amazing.

6:44We're live, live, live in Chicago. And our audience just guessed that David is the happiest person of these five people. And we're talking about how you can be happier in your life, because it's in our constitution, this pursuit of happiness. And Peggy is the least happiest, is what our audience said. So let's see if they were right. Step forward if you scored, because the highest you can score on this test is 35, right? Right, Robert? And then the lowest you can score is 5. So if you were 5, we need to talk to you later on today. So, so step forward if you scored 34 or above. Yay!

7:24Okay, so Dave, looking at dead people, is happy. Peggy, Dave, and Lachelle all scored highest. Here's how they... Now, this is so interesting. I would have voted for you because you were smiling the most. I would have voted for you. So, okay, so here's how they found happiness. For me, happiness is a conscious effort. It's about claiming what's yours. If you want a positive life, you need to think positively and act positively. I do my best not to compare myself with others. I've always felt that what one person has may not be what is destined for me. I have little phrases that I've developed over the years, and I will say it's a marvelous Monday.

8:03It's a terrific Tuesday. Most people look upon funeral service as being a sad profession. I look upon it as a profession where I'm helping people at a very difficult time in their lives. Being successful in life is not what really matters. Being significant in life is really the core root of what matters. I surround myself with things that make me happy. And we don't need a lot of money to make ourselves happy. Every morning I have a ritual. After the boys have left, have a good day. We get in the hot tub and it's our time, and we talk about what is going on for the rest of the day. It is just our quality time to stay connected.

8:50Okay. I'm just curious. Pretty amazing. We're talking about how happy you are, and by the end of this show, we're going to give you some specific ideas on how you can actually make yourself happier. This is Dr. Robert Holden. He is founder of The Happiness Project in England and the author of ten best-selling books, including Happiness Now. Dr. Holden, what are our top scores doing? First of all, you studied happiness. That's the deal. Yeah, I did a doctorate in the psychology of happiness. I'm British and happy. That makes me like a scientific phenomenon. And also, I'm a psychologist and I'm happy.

9:29That's even more odd. Interesting. Interesting. So... So when we were looking at the tape of David, and he was talking about how he doesn't see it as just looking at dead people, but as helping families through a difficult time, you said he's got the right perspective. Well, I think, David, you know, your job just helps you to have a great perspective on life, which is we're just here for a short spell, and it's really important to make the most of it. You know, when I listen to people talk about life, they often say, if I die, as opposed to when I die. You know, like we're not going to do it somehow and that we're just always going to be alive.

10:03Well, actually, no, this time around, we're here for a short spell. We've got to enjoy it. And that's why I love how you talk about your marvellous Monday, your terrific Tuesday. This is a little sort of British eccentric thing coming in here, I notice. But it's... I think you set an intention to enjoy your day and your job gives you a perspective for life. Lachelle scored 34 out of 35 on the happiness test. Dr. Holden says she uses the law of attraction to stay happy. How so? Did you know you were using the law of attraction? I've always done that. My father always told me to keep like-minded people around me.

10:36So that's what I've done ever since college. Really? Negative out, positive in. Negative out, positive in. Yeah. I do that too. Yeah. Yeah. And Lachelle, basically what I see is that you've chosen to be an optimist. You know, you've had some difficult times in your life. You've had bad circumstances, but you've made great choices. And this is how the law of attraction works. What I found, Oprah, is that basically we have beliefs about life, and our perception gathers evidence to prove that our beliefs are right. So an optimist believes that good things can come from bad situations. So your perception now works overtime looking for what's the good that can come from this.

11:16Yeah. And so our perception gathers evidence to make our beliefs right. Exactly. That's the function of perception, is just to teach us that we're right about everything. Hence, pessimists are right about life, optimists are right about life. OK, because it's all about the way you perceive it. Totally. OK. Noreen, what was your score? Very low. I think the lowest you could possibly score, I believe. What was yours? What is the lowest possible score? Five. Five. I think that day, that's how I felt, Oprah. Really? Yes. Yes. OK, I'm going back to the questions. So in most ways, my life is close to ideal.

11:56You wrote what? One. One. Okay. The conditions of my life were excellent. You wrote what? One. One. I'm satisfied with my life. You wrote? One. One. So far, I've gotten the important things I want in life. You wrote? One. One. I could live... If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing. You wrote? One. Wow. Oh, I know. Oh. Hoo-hoo. And then how did you score? How did you score, Lori? I think I was an 8 or a 9. 8 or a 9. Okay. Yeah. But I'm not surprised that you were surprised, because all day I put on a happy face, and people think I'm the happiest person alive. Yeah. That's a big lie.

12:33It is. I do it for my kids and my family, because I put them first forever. Yeah. And that's... that's... So I faked you out too, Oprah. You did. You really did, because I was standing next to you, and your energy, your vibe, which is very interesting, not just what you... what was on your face, but your vibe was that, oh, I'm so happy, I'm so excited, oh, I'm... That's what I was feeling from you. But obviously, Peggy, you're happy because? My husband. He is there for me 24-7. He doesn't only love me, he appreciates me and makes me feel good. Well, that's the difference. That is true.

13:14Well, Peggy, the truth is, all of you who are watching this at home and your stay-at-home moms are doing the hardest job on Earth, I think that is what is missing for so many women in particular. It's not, you know, you know your husband loves you, you take paying the bills and helping take care of the family and all that, but it's the sense of appreciation. Because for me, that's how you show whether or not you love somebody or not. So that's a key thing. I think, didn't a lot of little hairs on your head raise when she said that? I don't just feel loved, I feel appreciated. Okay, so what can Noreen and Lori do and everyone else?

13:48Anybody else out here score a five? Fives? You're not going to admit it. I see. Okay. What else? What can they do? And it's interesting that she said on that particular day, because let me tell you, on the day that I took the... because I don't think it has to do with the day. So the day that I took this test, I was really very sad, because my little dog, Sophie, who I've had for 12 years, has had kidney failure. And on that day, the doctor told me that I had to put her down. So I was really very... I didn't put her down yet, but I was really very... because she's holding on. and she's holding on.

14:20But I didn't put her down. I was very sad, very sad. And I realized as I was walking, I was literally walking around crying because of Sophie. And then I realized I could change the way I felt about it, that I could think about all the wonderful times that I've had with her and what a comfort she's been in my life. And it changed the way I felt about it. Oprah, you make such an important point, because I think for happiness, a lot of times, we're looking outside of ourselves for everything to be right. For what's going on today. Yeah, exactly. But when you talk about happiness, I think you're really talking about joy.

14:54Joy. That's exactly right. You're talking about something that's inside you, and it's in there regardless of how your day is and what's going on in your life. And this is the big secret to happiness. What I find is, is when people remember that there's a place in them where they're already happy, and they can connect to that place, then, you know, that's the key to happiness ultimately. How can you remember that you're already happy if you've never connected to that place. Well, that's exactly true. Most of us haven't had the education or the example to show us that actually there is this innate happiness just waiting for us to make contact with it.

15:30Where is it? Well, that's a really good point, you know? Yes, Noreen would like to know, where is it? Where is it? Somewhere right in the middle of your heart, Noreen, is where it really is. Noreen, I've been reading up on you. I've been reading your mail. And what really occurs to me is the thing that struck me the most is, you are such a good person. That was the thing that really occurred to me first up. But I realized that, you know, you've not made some of the best choices in your life in the past. That's what it is. Yeah. Poor choices. Poor choices. And those choices, I think, have been motivated really by, like, a lack of what I'd call self-acceptance, which is where we somehow don't believe we deserve any more than we have.

16:12And the way the law of attraction works is that as we increase our self-acceptance, we attract more happiness. We accept it. It's easier. So I really feel for you, you know, it's like you need to surround yourself with people who know how great you really are, and today's the day to begin to make some new choices. But doesn't she need to know that herself first? Totally. But I think it's also great to have some friends around you who can remind you, because we do forget. I feel like I'm on the road. You know, I feel like this is day one now for you. I feel like I'm starting. I can feel it. It's never too late.

16:49That's the thing. I can feel it. Okay. It is never too late.

17:00I know. I started out the day my pants were too tight and the blood circulation was being cut off in my seat. Please, don't mind me. We're live in Chicago talking about how you can be happier. And I was just saying to Robert Holden, who's a doctorate, has a doctorate in happiness. He has developed the Happiness Project and studies happiness and how people can be happier. I was just asking you, what did you think of the secret? Yeah. You said... Well, I think the secret is based on some very timeless principles. And it starts with a very wild idea, which is actually that the physical world, it doesn't really exist.

17:36It's a mental world. Mm-hmm. And actually, we project ourselves onto the world. This is the key. We project what we think we deserve onto the world. And I was saying that, you know, when we had done The Secret on this show, I had said that I'd been living my life this way for many years, since 1985, actually, when I first started to see that the world around me wasn't really what I thought it was, and that there was an interior world, and that things did not live outside of me. Things lived inside of me, and that's how you created the outside. And you said you were 18. Yeah. I had my first, like, spiritual teacher then.

18:12Yeah, at 18. Yeah. Absolutely. And what did your spiritual teacher tell you? Well, he said, look, actually, Robert, you're already happy. And I said, well, that's great, but I don't feel it. So tell me, what do I have to do? And he said, you have to understand that the pursuit of happiness can... is a mistake. It's like you don't chase happiness out there. You learn that you're happy inside you, and then you go running. Then you go into the world. What if you don't feel it, though? Because I think that's what Noreen and Lori are saying. Laurie, who's been married for 15 years and has six children, like so many of you taking care of your family, sacrifice yourself.

18:48Scored a 15 out of 35 on our happiness test, which you can go to Oprah.com and take for yourself and take with your husband later tonight. That's the thing. See how happy he is. Laurie says that people often mistake her for being happy. Even I did. I would have voted her as the most happy up here because she puts on the face. Exactly. Laurie, you scored a five, I think. No, 15. Fifteen. Fifteen. Excuse me. Okay, fifteen. Here's what I think is, firstly, you're amazing. You have six children. You know, you're vice president of the PTA. Anybody with six children has to be already. Yeah, I mean, it is amazing.

19:25Six children and you are engaged with your children. Yes. You're participating in your children's lives. That's a bravo right there. Yeah, really. That's a bravo right there. Two. Six or two or three or one. Yeah, okay. And not just that, you're, again, you're VP of the PTA, you're a room mum at school, you're on the home association. So this is what I'm thinking, is you're so good at helping everybody else, I think you're in danger of leaving yourself out of your own life. Yeah? Absolutely. I think that's the key. And so what we have here is, is like a classic, what I call a martyr ethic, which is where we're putting everybody else first instead of ourselves.

20:06And here's the big secret around this one for you. And I think this is the thing that can really help you to change. Your happiness is your gift to your family. Your happiness is your gift to your family. I know you so want your children to be happy. And I tell you this, you can't just tell them to be happy. You show them with your example. And that's the big key. So, you know, we've got to start putting yourself first. Good idea. Yeah. And I think you've... Yeah. Because isn't this true that children don't learn from what you... as much from what you tell them, but they learn from what you demonstrate to them.

20:44They don't... You can tell them, tell them, tell them, but it's the action that really teaches your children how to be. It's the example. And so if you're unhappy in your life, that's what your children will pick up on. Totally. It's the example. You know, kids, you know, they just hear blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and yeah, but the example is the big thing. And so, you know, I think, yeah, it starts actually with asking your family to help you. You know, this is such a big thing, because martyrs don't like to ask for help. I was going to say, that's going to be hard for her to do.

21:12Yeah. And for all the other mothers out there who, you know, support our show and are watching. It's so difficult for us, but we have to remember that if we're alive, we need help. Okay, but this is the thing. I think the perception of a lot of mothers, because, and I'm in no way comparing raising dogs to children, but I remember when I got my three puppies two years ago, I felt like, well, I did it, so now I'm going to have to do this all by myself. I'm not going to ask anybody to... I mean, this is just with dogs. I thought, I'm going to do... I'm going to be responsible. I don't want to be one of those people that now has to get help, you know, for three puppies at one time, which I really needed it.

21:46Yeah. Yeah. I really needed it, and I ended up sleep-deprived and crazy. Yeah. Being so, you know, aggravated. Being so aggravated because of it, yeah. Yeah, and I think the big mistake here is, and it's a common one, is that we try to do our lives by ourself. And, you know, the whole point is there are six billion people on the planet. So there's someone here to help. And it's probably someone nearby. And, you know, the greatest gift we can give to other people is to accept their help. Yeah? Because, you know, it's like people feel loved when you say, could you help me? They feel needed. They feel like there's something they can do in your life.

22:24Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely true. It's time to stop being a super mom and be a real mom. This is what I love. Didn't you all love when Robert Holden said this, that you're in danger of taking yourself out of your own life? Yeah, it's, we're living for everyone else. You were saying that your spiritual teacher told you, Robert, many years ago that you can't pursue happiness, that you are already happy, and then you go out and do whatever it is that makes you feel fulfilled or whatever. But it's in our constitution. Yeah, so we have to handle it right. Because, you see, it's like if we forget that happiness is within us, then no matter how much we pursue it, we'll always feel like we're further away from it.

23:00That's right. And this is what's so interesting, is there's something called destination... Oh, yeah. Destination addiction. If you're a psychologist, you have to invent an illness. So I invented an illness called destination addiction. Destination addiction is where you live in the not now. It's always about tomorrow. So you're chasing more next and there. and you promise yourself that when you get there, you'll be happy, and I promise you, you won't, because you'll always set another destination to go for. Yeah. Okay, so this leads you to my makeup artist, Reggie Wells, who I just adore. He's been with me forever, and, really, and, you know, beats my face every morning and helps me look somewhat normal in front of the camera.

23:42But he is the worst complainer. And, I mean, he complained. Like, a couple weeks ago, there was a minister on who gave him this bracelet to try to help him, remind him to stop complaining. And every time you complain, you're supposed to change it. Well, he complained so much that he was, like, getting whiplash from changing it. Yeah. I just kept it on one arm because I was getting... But you know what? This thing actually helped. OK. So what he was just saying about destination... What did you call it? Destination? Destination addiction. OK. So this is a perfect example. For years, Reggie used to say to me, I just want a house.