Special: Design Your Dream

0:00Through 25 seasons, 4 ,561 episodes, I believe The Oprah Winfrey Show is one of the greatest classrooms in the world. I really never thought of it that way. The aha moments, the breakthroughs, the connections, the occasional ugly cry. I miss him so terribly. I miss him every single minute. The LOLs. The moments that mattered. The eye-opening life lessons. Never allow them to take you somewhere else. I'm bringing them back. It's time to open the vault. I've personally chosen these classic episodes to share with you again. Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire. They want to know, do you see me?

0:47Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? You are listening to The Oprah Winfrey Show, the podcast.

0:59Designing the life of your dreams, I believe everybody can do that if you're conscious of how to do it. If I ask you, for example, what your wildest dream is, if you could be whatever you wanted to be, if you could find your true passion, maybe it's traveling the world or singing with a band or writing a novel, do you think you have the power to make that happen? Well today we're going to show you that we all, everybody does, I know this is true, has the ability within themselves to design the life that you've always dreamed of. And we're not going to make excuses, and we're not going to put it off another day.

1:35We're going to act on it and make it happen. And we're going to tell you how. Sometimes we define ourselves by what we do, not by who we really are. I said this at the beginning of the season. The world defines me as a talk show host. And I'm always, you know, when you go out of the country and you have to fill in what you do, I'm always like, for a moment, I have to stop and think about that, because I don't define myself as a talk show host. I think that my life, the capital who of who I am, is so much bigger than that. But that's just a definition that the world has put on me. Gail Blankey left the corporate world to make her own dream come true because she empowers women by showing them practical ways to design the lives you've always wanted.

2:15And she's written a book called In Your Wildest Dreams. And Gail says that anybody can make their wildest dreams come true. Wildest? Even their wildest dreams? Even the wildest. Mm-hmm. Especially the wildest. Especially the wildest. Why especially? Because we're not here just to kind of get by and be content. We're not here just to have an okay life. Mm-hmm. If this is the only life that we know about for sure, it ought to be as wonderful as we can imagine. Okay. Come on up here, Gail. This is Gail Blankey.

2:58Let's hear some ideas. Wendy, do you want to stand up and cheer us? What is your wildest dream or passion? My wildest dream is to become a stand-up comedian. Wow. Okay. You're standing up? But what I need is an audience, so here I am. But you don't have an audience? Is that what you're saying? Yes, I don't have an audience. And why do you think... Why is that your wildest dream? Because? Because I've always enjoyed making people laugh. Mm-hmm. I like getting up in front of people, making them happy, and just something I've always wanted to do. Cheryl, where are you? Yes? My wildest dream is finishing my novel.

3:33You started a novel? I have started it. I've had... I've got an excellent outline. I think it's great, but I can't get beyond the fear. Louise, where are you? Hi, Louise. Hi. My dream is to open up a metaphysical-type bookstore and learning center. Oh, you could do that tomorrow. I can do it. I will do it. And this show will help you, because more people are becoming more enlightened and understand, as a result of this season in particular, that, you know, underneath and beyond the physical always is the metaphysical. Oh, that's a cinch, really. Okay, Sharon, where are you? Right here. Okay. I'm an artist.

4:08Like greeting cards, designs. Uh-huh. That's what I'd like to do. Uh-huh. And I'm a registered nurse. Okay. You seem a little closed off here, though. I'm always nervous. Uh-huh. Is that your...you said, that's what I'd like to do. Is that your passion? Is that your... Yeah, that is my passion. It feeds the fire in your soul. Yeah, it does. Yeah. It does, really. Uh-huh. And how are you feeding that fire every day? I'm not. I'm, like, ready to explode. Mm-hmm. I can't make the transition from taking care of people... Thank you. ...to taking care of me. The art and the creativity is, like, bursting out of me.

4:43Mm-hmm. I really want to do it. But the nursing is the glorified, like, everybody says, oh, isn't it wonderful, Sharon? You're a nurse. I told this lady I was a nurse. She said, Oh, how wonderful. And I work with babies. I work in the best part of the hospital. But I really don't want to do it. But what lights you up? What thrills you? Art? Art. Art. I love to do art. It's art. OK. See how repressed? I mean, I like hold it. No, but it's art. I mean, let it out. It's art. I love art. I do love it. Art lights me up. And it's great that you're so terrific with children. Maybe someday you'll teach children art.

5:19I would like to do children's books. I'd like to do it all. But you can. But you can. But you know, may I share this with you? I was an anchorwoman, a newswoman, for, what, 10, 12, 15 years. And it was hard for me because everybody... Because, you know, I used to be a colored girl in Mississippi, and nobody ever believed that I could be really anything, you know? I was born in Mississippi, the most racist state on the planet, in 1954. So there was nobody who believed in the possibilities for my life. So when I grew up and became, because I was a good reader, became a news reporter and anchorwoman, my father was just, oh, my God, this is the job for you.

5:59And everybody around me said, you have to do this because, my goodness, this is the job that everybody would want to have. Everybody wants to be in television. Everybody wants to be an anchorwoman. Everybody wants to be in news. I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I felt exploitive. I'd go on the news stories. I felt like I couldn't express myself. I felt like I had to behave a certain way, look a certain way, act a certain way. Hated it. Hated it. And it was my decision to come to Chicago. Didn't know what was going to happen. Everybody says, you'll never beat Phil Donahue. I thought, okay, so I won't beat him.

6:31You did as soon as you get on the stage. No, I won't, but I won't beat him. But I feel like I'm stifling myself. I feel like even though this is the job everybody else would think is the job of their dreams, who wouldn't want to be a television anchorwoman? Well, I don't want to be one. I don't want to be one. I don't want to be one, even though the rest of the world thinks that that's really a great job. So I opened myself up to the possibilities of what that could be. I could just see my mother's face. I'm 40 years old. What do you mean you're not going to be a nurse anymore? You make great money.

7:00You have great benefits. Can I just say something? You're no longer stuck. If you could see your face now, speaking of faces, from a few minutes ago until right now, you have already declared it. You are free. I need to become an artist. All right. Now here's the thing about when you say what you're out for, and this is, and we already know that this is true, the minute you kind of stand up and you all actually stood up and said, this is what I'd love to do. In other words, this is what I'm passionate about. This is what I'm committed to. The minute you do that, the universe pricks up its ears.

7:43We know that that's true. The minute you say it, things begin to happen in the universe to help make that happen. It's the declaration, yeah, this is what I'd love to do. This is what I'm out for, right? The other thing that happens kind of at the same moment is stuff comes up, especially if you're out for something big, stuff comes up, I call it noise, about why you can't do it, right? Because I don't have enough time or I don't have enough money or my husband will ever let me, or this, you know, not this lifetime, or at least not right now. My children are too young, not thin enough, whatever.

8:24Okay? Stuff comes up. So part of what we want to look at, and we're going to look at this today, is we're going to take a look at that noise that floats right up the minute you say it and ask ourselves this question. Is it real or is it just something I've bought into, some assumption I've made about my life or about myself or about how it's going to be in my life, in my company, in my family. And I've bought into that barrier and it's become real for me. Because, see, that's what we do. We give things life because we believe in it. So we're going to take a look at what's actually real and what's just some assumption we've bought into that's acting like it's real for us and holds us back.

9:10And a lot of people tell me they don't know what their passion is. Yeah. Well, that's not surprising. If you don't know, because you're so busy being everybody's everything, what your passion is, what you'd love to have happen, this is one thing you might try. If you were in a grocery store or an airport or at the PTA meeting or wherever, and you're sort of walking along, you're just sort of standing there, and there was a conversation, a discussion going on among some people about something, people you didn't know at all, I mean, you don't know these people, what would they be talking about that would cause you, pretend you're kind of a shy person, you know, that aggressive, that would cause you to go over to this group of people and say, excuse me, just a minute, but, you know, I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying.

10:01And I just, I just got to get into that conversation. What would they be talking about that would light I mean, it could be anything. But everybody has that thing that, oh, yeah, I'd love to know more about that. I care about that. I'm passionate about that. Mary Spalding thought she had it all. She was on the fast track at work, jet-setting around the world, living a very comfortable life. Would you say, Mary? Yep. Okay. But at 42, with Gayle's help, she realized what she really wanted was something entirely different. And so it was after a seminar that you made the decision Yes. And design your own dreams.

10:40Really? 1995. Wow. That's three years later. That's not that long ago. No. You know, I have to say I will never forget in this workshop, the first thing Mary did was she said to herself what she was committed to. But what I'll never forget is when she said it out loud. Remember that? I was probably more nervous at that point in my life than I am sitting here right now. because the first four people that introduced themselves were CEOs and had written three or four books. And I'm like, oh boy, what do I want to do? And when I really verbalized it, which is something that was big for me to say, I want to have a family, I thought that that sounded so trivial compared to where we were.

11:32The other four people that introduced themselves first, they had all career goals. So I thought, oh, my God, what have I done here? But from that moment on, I just kept going. Being able to articulate it. Well, you look happy to me. I am. This is Donna, who says she is the envy of all of her friends. Everybody thinks she has it all. But Donna says that she has yet to identify her true calling. She wrote us a letter, which said, Dear Oprah, I have a life that makes almost all of my friends and colleagues envious. I have a beautiful two-year-old boy, a handsome husband. I live in a great neighborhood and work from home making very good money.

12:12I know I should feel lucky, and everyone tells me that I am, but I feel like the biggest ingrate in the world. There are literally thousands of women and men out there that would love to switch places with me. But I still can't help but wonder if there's some calling in my life that I've yet to discover. I feel like I have the potential to do so much more, but I just don't know what it is. You represent a lot of people. What do you want to say? You sure do. First of all, you know, a lot of stuff that we've bought into about sort of how it is out there is made up. You know, there are paradigms.

12:44You know, that word paradigm, it means there's just a set of beliefs that somebody made up and everybody treats as true. It's an assumption that we make. And here's one. Well, you know, you make quite a bit of money and you don't have to work however many, you know, as many hours a week as everybody else. You ought to be happy. Right. You really should. What's wrong with you anyway? Exactly. Well, who made up that, that if you make X amount of money and worked however many hours a week, you ought to be happy? There's a definition of success and fulfillment that somebody made up. And it's not that I'm not happy because I am, but I still feel like there's more.

13:21But there's something that you long for. Well, here's what I think is going on with women. I think that part of what we're saying is that we have made a shift from defining ourselves by somebody else's measuring stick, wanting to fit into the world. You know, we grow up, most of us as little girls, wanting to fit in, wanting to do it right, wanting to measure ourselves the way everybody else, mainly the men, measure themselves. A shift from that to wanting to fit the world to what we value, to what we are, to what we stand for. Okay, so women don't necessarily measure themselves in the same way that men do.

14:00We want to have a life that fulfills us, maybe even thrills us. Right. So what's possible for you? You don't need to think, gosh, I should. I don't know who invented that word either. I should be happy with what I've got. But rather, it's, you know, own the fact that you've got a terrific job. You deserved it. You can take the ground of that job and that life that you've already earned and say, where could I go from here? What would light me up? We're not talking about somebody else's life. We're talking about yours. What would I love? And that's what you're going to be taking a look at today.

14:37What would I love to be doing? And for me it might not even be something in a job situation. It might be volunteer work or a hobby, you know, whatever it might be, something that I haven't come across that thrills me and that's what I'm looking for. It could be something that for you makes a difference. It could be something that for you makes you thrilled to get up. in the morning. It may not be anybody else's anything. Right. But it could be your all. Right. You just have to take a look at what that might be. And it doesn't matter if it doesn't thrill anybody else. You might even be able to involve your children in this, too, by the way.

15:11Right. Last week I shared this line from a poem of Maya's where she talks about women whose world was defined by other people. And she said, your description does not fit my tongue. Your description does not fit my tongue. and isn't it up to each individual come to the planet? You betcha. To define themselves by their own terms, in their own words. In your... especially in your own words. In your own words. Making it up in your own way. And you're the only one that gets to make it up, not anybody else. This is Tanisha. She's always made her family proud, was a good student in college. She got a great job after graduation.

15:48But now she's come to realize that she's not living her dream at all. Let's just talk for a second about the time that you spent in school and you did a good job and you got a degree, do you think that was wasted? No. No. Definitely. Not at all. Not at all. I believe everything that I learned is going to come into play somehow into what my real purpose is. What lights you up? What do you love? Well, when I first graduated from college, as soon as I came out and found my family, I presented my mom with my degree because I really believed that I did it for her It had been something that she had been talking about for years and I finally accomplished that goal So then I got into corporate America got a job got a promotion been there for about four years and just one day You know working 14 hours 13 hours.

16:40I realized you know, why am I why am I not happy? I thought if I got the degree and got the job it would equal happiness and it didn't and that's when I started thinking, okay, well, what else is there? So I started going to church, a class called Spiritual Maturity, reading the Bible-watching Oprah show, listening inspiring music, just reading tons and tons of books. And that's when the light came on for me. And through that, through prayer and meditation, my purpose was revealed. And what is the purpose? Do you know? The purpose is to bring inspiration and motivation to people in a non-conventional way.

17:21A lot of people, when you talk about your spirit and your purpose, it kind of goes over their head, like when someone first brought it to me. And... I know. We're trying to do it every day. Yeah. And you have to meet them where they are. And so I'd like to establish some type of entrepreneurial programs to get it to the regular person so that they can hear it. And I know how it came to me, and I know how the light came on for me, and that's what I want to give to other people. So here's what's wonderful that you're doing. You're listening for what's possible. You're listening for your future. So you're open to what this universe you're in right now is going to be providing you.

18:00Do you have a time frame when you'd like to have this happen? That's where I need the help. Okay. Let me, okay. Tell me what you'd love to have happen. When would you like to do this? I've been working on it part-time after I come from work for the last two and a half years. And I know that in that time it could have been done, but there's times when I'm so drawn into what I'm doing those eight hours that I don't get to this other thing over here. So I will get back to it when I have bursts of inspiration or when I'm feeling, like, really excited and joyful. But then those times when I'm caught up into the daily grind or whatever, I kind of let it go.

18:38So my issue is how do I keep that same excitement going and going and going to meet that goal? Okay. First of all, your energy and your passion are going to keep this going, this thing over here going. It's going to be spectacular. Here's something that might help. When we're out for something really big, it's good to stand in it as if it's already done. Mary did this with her baby. She saw herself holding that baby, and everybody around her did too. And so she said, here I am, this wildest stream of mine, is already true, and here's exactly what it looks like. You know, here I am with this completion.

19:22Now, you want to give that a date. We're talking today with Gail Blankey. She's the author of In My Wildest Dreams. And this is Janelle. And like a lot of young people, she says she feels stuck. She says she's not sure she even has a dream to pursue. My name is Janelle Hauenstein. I'm a 23-year-old woman who's stuck. I have no idea what my true passion in life is. When I first started college at 18, I did it because that is what was expected of me. It was very, very hard for me to make the decision to quit college. I told my parents and they were furious with me. They were very, very mad at first.

20:01And then my dad cried and it tore me apart. It was really, really hard for me to take. I am a bartender right now. As much as I love my job and I love the people I work with, I don't think that I was put on this earth to do what I'm doing right now. I don't think that I was put here to be a bartender. There has to be something out there. I know there is. I know there is. What do you think it is? I don't know. I'm trying to find it. I wonder what would ever make any of us think that you're supposed to already know when you go to school what you're going to school for? I think that because most of my friends already knew, when I was in high school, they knew what they wanted to do.

20:51Did they? They knew what they were going to school for. And, I mean, that's why they were going to this school or that school. And I just had no idea. I was like, well, I guess I'm just along for the ride. You know, I need to go. And so I went. So did you feel kind of not so good about the fact that they seemed to be clear about what they were doing? No. I thought that when I got there, you know, all of a sudden this door would open and I would know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I got there, and that didn't happen at all. It made things so much more confusing. What made it so hard for you?

21:21I mean, what was the amount of work? Was it... It was everything. It was the amount of work, the size of the school. Everything was just so overwhelming. I just felt like, you know, little fish. Sounds like the bottom line was that you made the decision based upon what your parents wanted you to do in the first place, that you even picked the school, you did everything based upon somebody else's definition or description of who you should be. That's what it sounds like. And that's because, you know why? Because you're a human being. That's what we do. We buy into everybody else's idea, which was made up by somebody at some point.

21:54You know, when you go to school, you're supposed to know what it's all about. You know, the five seconds after you get there, they ask you what you're going to major in, right? I mean, really, why, how could we possibly know that? Two seconds after when you graduate at some point, if you feel that that's appropriate for you, they say, so now what are you going to be? What are you going to do? Here's the wonderful thing. The greatest freedom you can have is in the time when you don't know. When you don't know is when it's all possible. Right. And once you've decided, then it's decided. When you don't know, it's all there for you.

22:30And it is a glorious place to be because it's all open for you. You have nothing to cover you up. What comes to mind? You're interrupting this conversation in an airport. What comes to mind that might just light you up? The first thing that I immediately thought of when you said that at the beginning of the show was, I love the ocean. I love to scuba dive. That is like... And I never get to do it enough. I never have enough time to do that. That is the one thing that I wish that I had more time to do. And I mean, there's a million possibilities in that as far as just this career or, you know, just this fun for a hobby.

23:13And you know what? That... As I sit here and talk to you and I hear the things that you say, that's definitely one of the things that... Well, that's a big breakthrough.

23:25Mrs. Melinda has devoted her life to her husband and her three children, but she says it's time for her to pursue her own dreams. But she says she can't start till her youngest leaves the nest. I've devoted to be the best mom and the best wife that I can be. And I know what my ultimate goal is. And I haven't voiced it very often. As a matter of fact, I never actually wrote it down or said it out loud to anyone until I emailed Oprah a couple weeks ago. And it kind of scared me when I first saw it, you know. But I want to be the best mom first. So how do I go about achieving my ultimate goal that so far up there I might be 75 when I finally reach it, but I don't want to miss out on my kids because they're too precious.

24:05Okay. One thing that's really important to know, okay, is when you're out for something big, it's scary. When you're out for something big, you hear a lot of noise. If you all are thinking about, could it have something to do with the ocean, whatever it is you're thinking about that might thrill you, when you start thinking about it, if it's really big, you're going to hear this noise come up. It's okay. If you don't hear any noise, you might want to push yourself a little bit further. Noise is not a bad thing. It just comes with the territory. So you're hearing this little bit of noise. What is your dream?

24:39Can I ask you that? What is that are you thinking of? I'd like to be an oncologist. An oncologist. I'd like to help those that are in that turmoil of their life. And I'd like to be their supporter. I'd like to be that person that they can always come to and talk to about anything. It may be through a volunteer service, maybe at a hospital on a cancer wing or something like that. But that ultimate dream would be awesome. Okay. So a couple things. Being an oncologist, let's say you are one right now. What would that allow for you? How would you feel about that? What would that...how would that make you feel?