Special: Have You Forgotten Your Friends?

0:00Through 25 seasons, 4 ,561 episodes, I believe The Oprah Winfrey Show is one of the greatest classrooms in the world. I really never thought of it that way. The aha moments, the breakthroughs, the connections, the occasional ugly cry. I miss him so terribly. I miss him every single minute. The LOLs. The moments that mattered. Maddie! The eye-opening life lessons. Never allow them to take you somewhere else. I'm bringing them back. It's time to open the vault. I've personally chosen these classic episodes to share with you again. Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire.

0:45They want to know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? You are listening to The Oprah Winfrey Show, the podcast. By the end of this hour, we're hoping to inspire you to pick up the phone and reconnect with a friend you've lost touch with. It's just a phone call, but hopefully a new start for your friendships. And hopefully those of you who haven't made the call in six years, ten years, twelve, will get the nerve from this show to pick up the phone and reconnect. As one woman wrote us, a true best friend nurtures the soul. And that couldn't be more true for Anna and Regina.

1:21Their bond saved their lives. During World War II, they helped each other survive the Nazi death camps. and they were only young girls at the time. And now as women, they have a bond that's so strong, they consider themselves sisters. I came into the camp, I was 11. It was 1942. I was very lonely. I don't know why, but my eyes came to N size. Look at I see a pretty little girl. Nothing else. It was the beginning of a friendship that would last for 60 years. In the midst of death and suffering, in the concentration camps of Poland and Germany, They were two little girls reaching out for each other.

1:59I was looking for somebody to be friendly, to be good, to be nice. Because I didn't have no mother no more. I didn't have no father. I didn't have no family. We looked out for each other when we could. We're not supposed to go from one back to the other. Sometimes I would go in there and say, hi, Anne, and she would be afraid they're going to do something to me. So she would say, get out, get out, get out. The two girls were separated several times when one girl was shipped to another camp, herded like animals onto cattle cars. But fate drew them together each time. We were in so many camps. We met again for a little while.

2:35We couldn't even say anything because we shouldn't communicate. It was dangerous. I had very hard times. I was so hungry. I was young and I needed food. So I used to steal from the dog. Regina had smuggled a loaf of bread with her, and even though she was hungry, Regina risked her life to share it with her friend. When I saw her, I grabbed the bread, I threw it to her, and we both could have been killed. I can't forget what we went through a lot. I saw what they were doing to the people. It was unbearable. Within weeks, they were scheduled to be gassed, but liberation came first. Lost in the chaos, they never knew if they would see each other again.

3:23They were separated once more. They both married and began families, and after years apart, fate drew them together again. They discovered not only had they both resettled in the United States, but actually were living in the same Boston neighborhood, just blocks from each other. Who happened to come to the same street, approaching ourselves? We're both stuck, shocked. After the war was over, we were wonderful friends. Their friendship grew deeper as the years passed. We cannot sit and talk about those things to a lot of people, because even to my kids. This is the band between us. It's concentration camp.

4:05I cherish that friendship. We can't forget what 50, 60 years brings. If I die before her or she dies before her, We're going to still love each other. Anna and Regina's story is featured in the book Best Friends. Now, where is Judy Knight? Judy! Okay, I hear you've had a best friend since you were, what, five? Five. Five years old. But you haven't seen each other in more than... Thirty. Thirty years? Thirty years. Thirty years, really? Correct. And the reason for that is? We just don't find the time, I guess. We make excuses for it, and we've just never merged our time together to make it work.

4:49But you do talk, you do communicate? We communicate through letters. We've been pen pals for over 40 years. And where does she live and where do you live? She lives in Lake Huntington, New York, and I live in Naperville, Illinois. Wow. Never a Greyhound bus between you? Never. Would you recognize her if you saw her on the street? I would hope so through photographs, but I don't know. Okay. What does she look like? She had...last I knew, she had long blonde hair and a very pretty face. Does she look like anybody here?

5:23Not that I see right now. Okay, stand up and look around. Take a look at the audience. Oh, no. Right there. Say hi, Nancy.

5:53I love that. I love that. Judy also wrote a very special letter we wanted Nancy to hear. Dear Nancy, I just want you to know how fortunate I feel that we've remained friends for 40 years. My favorite memories are of your long blonde hair and your New York accent and how we'd decorate our Easter eggs. Do you remember our favorite record? It was called Tan Shoes and Pink Shoelaces. We'd sing along with it over and over. Over the years, we've shared so much, both good and bad. Your letters helped me through the difficult times in my life, like my divorce. You are so wise and understanding. I feel blessed.

6:30I still get so excited by your letters. As soon as they come, I can't wait to sit down and read every word. Your Christmas cards are the first ones up on my refrigerator every year. I do feel sad that we've always talked about meeting, but never quite pull it off. I can't believe we've let over 30 years go by without visiting. But just knowing you're there is comforting. I just can't imagine a day that we don't have each other. From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know how much you mean to me. Love, Judy. That's fantastic. Have fun seeing each other for the first time in 30 years. Thank you.

7:03Thank you. Okay, 30 years. Where's Deborah Bailey? Deborah, come on up. Deborah Rhoda said she'd like to reconnect with her girlfriend Shirley. She says they haven't spoken in 10 years because she's been too embarrassed to call. So I hope all of y 'all who are watching this show today are getting it. Like, just pick up the phone. Why have you been embarrassed to call? Well, my friend Shirley and I were the best of friends, the kind that just shared our deepest secrets and our hurts together. And we both moved to different cities. And after moving, we decided to get together and take a vacation together.

7:39We shared expenses on that vacation. And I owed her some money from that. And when I first returned, she knew that it was going to be a little bit of time before I sent her the money. How much did you owe? You know, it was such a small amount. It was, I think, only around$200. Uh-huh. And it wasn't the money that really kept us apart as much as it was I became embarrassed that I had not honored my word and that I had not responded immediately. Yeah. And... Which is what happens when people borrow money and don't pay it back. And it was the shame that I... Does that happen to you all? Because usually you can just...

8:21Friendships break up over all the time because of that. Such a small thing. Yeah. And the friendship was worth more than$200 to you. So much more. So much more. And so you haven't called in ten years because of$200? Well, ten years is long enough. It's time to bury the hatchet. Come on out, Shirley. Aw. Shirley! I love when that happens. Thank you. Wow. Have a seat. First of all, do you have our$200 tonight? I do. You do? I have it.

8:59OK. Wow. And I've had it 100 times over. Yeah. You wrote us an email that we thought you should read for Shirley. Oh, my. I know this must have hurt her terribly. I truly regret the way I treated Shirley and how I dishonored our friendship and dishonored myself. I want to apologize to her for throwing her away like that. I want to ask her to please forgive me, to please accept this money that I owe her. And I want this so both of us can release and heal the wounds. Oh, of course. Did you know it was the$200 that we're keeping you guys apart? No. I had no idea. I had made a couple of calls, and she hadn't responded.

9:43And I think I even wrote a letter and didn't get a response. And I thought, well, she's busy. But I was kind of hurt. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. Wow. Thank you both. Thank you both. You have some catching up to do. Yeah. I hear we have a phone call coming in.

10:03Oh, I believe that now. Oh, yeah. Oh, cue the phone. Yeah, rings just like it does at home, too. Hello? Who's this? Oh, OK. Anyone here know a Malika? OK, what's your name? Leslie. Leslie, OK. When was the last time you guys talked? Oh, months. Malika? Oh, probably a good at the beginning of the year. Okay. Okay. Okay. Malika, Leslie's here and she has something she wants to say to you. Hello? Oh, Malika, I just want to tell you, you just don't know how much you meant to me when we were in school together. You were just the best support system I ever had. I do poetry. She was at every reading.

10:47Gosh, I even made her get on stage with me. She was just everything to me. Yeah, you all look. I'm looking at pictures of you guys. You look like sisters. You look like sisters. That's what we really ended up becoming. Becoming. There were times I wouldn't have eaten if it wasn't for Malika. She filled my refrigerator. She filled my stomach. She filled my spirit. She was the best. Well, thank you so much, Malika. Oh. That's terrific. Barbara and Susan were best friends for over 20 years. That all ended four years ago when a fight over Susan's wedding came between them. Susan and I met in fourth grade.

11:24and we were friends throughout grammar school and throughout high school. Barbara and I loved each other. We were really close. In my first marriage, I asked Barbara to be my maid of honor because she was my best friend, and I was very excited when she said she would be. When Susan was to get married for the second time, I was to be her maid of honor once again. As the wedding date was approaching and there was no party planned, Barbara didn't speak about doing anything for me. I was angry. I did not feel obligated to host a party for her. When she was married, the first time I did have a shower for her.

11:57The other people around me, my future sister-in-law, was surprised at it, so she decided to just have an informal get-together. And I just didn't feel that I was able to go. I didn't want to leave my children. I didn't have, really, the financial resources at the time. She seemed to have every excuse in the book not to come. So she said, well, maybe you need to check your priorities. and I said my priorities are straight, they're my children. She wouldn't let me off the phone, so eventually I said goodbye, and I hung up, and she called me immediately back and said, you don't hang up on me, bitch, you find yourself a new maid of honor.

12:31I was absolutely devastated. It was ten days before my wedding, and I was shocked and very hurt. Susan and Barbara didn't speak to each other for three years, and last year they gave their friendship another try, but it only lasted a few months. I feel the friendship between Susan and myself could be revived. I think that we both need to work on our communication with each other. It would be helpful to me maybe to know why she chose to shut me out rather than coming to me and talking to me about the problems that we had.

13:12and I'd just like to get over this anger and hurt that I am carrying. And you wanted to read what? Yes, I have a letter that I wrote to you. I want you to know how very sorry I am for leaving you high and dry at your wedding. There were a lot of complicated things happening in my life at the time, but I know I could have handled it better. But I want you to know that even though we stopped talking, I never stopped caring. One of my deepest regrets is that I wasn't there for you when you were going through some hard times. But please know I was there in my heart. And now I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be friends again, friends that will listen, learn to respect each other's feelings, and not judge.

13:53Let's take this first step together. What do you want to say? It's really great to hear that. It really is. Because most of the time it's the troubles we had, and then there would be no communication at all, just be broken off. And it's great to hear that. And my problem has been that I've been carrying the hurt and the anger from this. And I think I'm over it and I'm not, and I feel like I've carried that on. Which has left you stuck? Stuck, yeah. Unable to make new friends? Right. Mm-hmm. I don't even try at this point. Mm-hmm. And I really want to get beyond that. And if we rekindled something, that would be great.

14:28And I want to be able to go on and make other friends. And you do want to rekindle it? Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, Jan Yeager is with us. She's a sociologist and the author of Friend Shifts, the power of friendship and how it does shape our lives. And she says in that book, Friendships, that a lot of times what happened to you happens to a lot of people. They do get stuck because it ends up affecting other areas of your life when you have a really strong bond like this. She has advice for Susan and Barbara, which is? First of all, don't worry about whether or not you can go back to the way it was.

15:00Be aware that it's okay if you have different goals for the friendship. And maybe as a gift to your friend, you just want to help her understand what was going on. You felt betrayed. You felt angry. You have to try to understand what is there about the friendship worth salvaging, but also that this may not happen again with other friends. Just talking about it, being here today, and also one of the key ideas about friendships is that we have casual, We have close. We have best friends. Maybe you won't be best friends again, but that's okay. The energy you put into not communicating is almost worse than just having a caring, casual friendship that's there.

15:46Because friendships do shift? They shift. They shift for good reasons. Other people come into your lives. You move on. They shift for bad reasons. I think that's so key to say, don't try to go back to the way it was, because that's what ruins a lot of people trying to make it what it was. I think that's what happened last year when we got back together. I think I approached it like we're going to go back and be immediately the best friends that we are, you know, just like we were before, and everything is going to be the same. Well, you have to rebuild the trust. And you know what? Have fun. Try to do something with each other that's fun.

16:22Don't think about whether or not you're going to see each other again. Go out to a show. Go to a movie. We have so many relationships in our lives that we have to have, so many commitments. Friendship is one of those areas we choose. And if it doesn't add something to our lives, if it doesn't lift up our spirit, we're not going to keep it up. So, you know, try, if possible, put the heaviness, put the anger behind you and just approach it as someone that you want to just spend a little time with. If you enjoy the time together, you'll spend more. If you don't, it's okay. But the main thing is you want to move on from the anger.

17:01She wants closure from the anger. Exactly. I think that this will help that today, won't it? Yeah. Because didn't you want an apology? Yeah. It feels good to be... ...to hear that and then be able to talk about it. To talk about it. Well, I'm happy for both of you. Thank you. We're celebrating best friends today. Another special story of friendship started with a baby and her babysitter. And now, 18 years later, Oriana still considers her babysitter Betty her closest friend in the world. And even though they now live in different states, they're still a big part of each other's lives. I'm Oriana Lysa.

17:35I have Down syndrome because I'm extra special. When I'm with Oriana, I never feel whatsoever worried about anything. I am totally carefree and she brings so much light into everybody's eyes. And her one great gift is to love. Betty means a lot to me. She's my best friend. When I'm with her, I let all my worries go. Because when you're in Oriana's world, life is easy. I miss Betty so much. Oriana's been placed on this earth to bring everyone joy. And she means the world to me. And I hear that Betty was your babysitter when you were a baby. Yes. Mm-hmm. And you've known her, what, for 18 years?

18:27I knew Betty since I was a baby. Uh-huh. She had a baby recently, didn't she? Yeah, she had a baby. And you helped decorate the nursery. Yep. I was in Texas. Uh-huh. Texas is a great state. Yeah. You haven't met the baby yet, though. No, not yet. OK. Well, come on out. We have a surprise for you. Betty.

18:54That's great. Good to see the baby.

19:01That's fantastic. Are you so excited? Yes, I am. Your babysitter has a baby now. No, you could be the babysitter. That is a great thing. Well, thank you both. OK. Daphne says she and her friend Tracy were inseparable in high school and together went through all the heartaches and heartbreaks that two teenagers could experience. They even went to the same college just to be together. When Tracy was getting married, she left Daphne out of the wedding party. How does that happen? Daphne's held a grudge over this for nine years, but says she's finally realizing her friendship is more important. Now, Daphne, what do you want to say to Tracy?

19:35I wanted to know that I still think about her all the time. Who left whom out of the wedding? She left me out of the wedding. Let's just get that straight. What did you do that for? No reason. Just the closeness. We weren't as close as we used to be. I don't have a good reason. OK. Well, we'll take that as a reason. And so you were very hurt. Yes. Mm-hmm. And nine years you have not spoken or have spoken or what? We have spoken, but you could tell that the friendship was not there. And I think it was... Did you ever ask? Why did you leave me out of the wedding? No, I never asked, but I always let her know, you know, that I didn't like it, I didn't appreciate it.

20:17And we just go on from there. But as far as having a reason, I never knew. Okay. And would you... Do you still need a reason for closure? Really, after all this time, no. I don't need a reason. I think I want to move on. You want to move on. Yes. Yes, which is the whole point of friends shifting. Yes. Correct? You need to move on. Mm-hmm. And also, sometimes people do things and they don't know the reason at the time, and later on the reason doesn't seem as important as the action. Is that how you're feeling? Yes. Okay. Well, I hope you all can rekindle it after nine years, because friends do shift.

20:53Thank you so much, Jen. Thank you all so much. Thank you, ladies.

21:05podcast and subscribe rate and review this podcast join me next week for another oprah show the podcast and i thank you for listening