Special: How to Connect with Your Children

0:00Through 25 seasons, 4 ,561 episodes, I believe the Oprah Winfrey Show is one of the greatest classrooms in the world. I really never thought of it that way. The aha moments, the breakthroughs, the connections, the occasional ugly cry. I miss him so terribly. I miss him every single minute. The LOLs. The moments that mattered. Maddie! The eye-opening life lessons. Never allow them to take you somewhere else. I'm bringing them back. It's time to open the vault. I've personally chosen these classic episodes to share with you again. Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire.

0:45They want to know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? You are listening to The Oprah Winfrey Show, the podcast. This is a really important show. I learn something every day on this show. That's how I know that we've done a good show. And when we were talking about The Bluest Eye, which is one of my, still one of my favorite books of all time, with Toni Morrison, she said something that, really, the little hairs on our heads raised, when she said what children are really looking for in life is not, you know, whether or not you went to Disney World or didn't go to Disney World or how much money you have, because the truth of the matter is we do shows all the time.

1:29Mother is talking about how it's so hard to, you know, keep money going in the family and give your kids all the things they want. But Toni Morrison said something I will never forget. I share with you again. She said, your children want to know, do your eyes light up when they enter the room? And that's really what they're looking for. So we wanted to help parents learn how you can spend more conscious, attentive time with your children, because I see it every day. through our guests on the show, through your emails and your letters. You all are driving yourselves, running yourselves into the ground, trying to give and give and give and give to your kids, when really all they want is you.

2:07Nancy Kadish is a mother of three who's worried that when her children are grown, they won't have any fond memories of their childhood. And here's what Nancy told us. Nancy Kadish, I feel like every day we're going through the motions of being a connected family, but we're not. I have three children, a business, a husband, and our house is crazy seven days a week. So when you're done with this, you can start your reading, okay? I don't really have the downtime with my children because in my mind there's always something else, whether it's a load of laundry to be folded or the dishwasher to be loaded.

2:48I end up putting off the time that I want to spend with them. and then it just doesn't happen. I feel that even though I love them more than anything, that they're not going to realize it, because on a daily basis, what they're seeing is that that's not the priority. They just want my time and my attention without interruptions. My 14-year-old, she'll just start talking and talking and talking, and then I see myself almost like an out-of-body experience, not listening 100%. It makes me feel like I'm a terrible mom. I don't feel like I know my children as well as I want to know them. That place setting over to the side.

3:34When we occasionally have a meal together, which I can't even say happens once a week, it's almost an awkward state where we don't even know what to say to each other. I think the kids don't even realize that there's a disconnect going on, that the craziness in our lives on a daily basis is normal to them. I have the time with them, but it's not the time that they're going to remember when they get older. And that's the part that makes me sad, because I wish that we were able to create the time with our children that they would look back on and want to pass that on to their children. So we're doing this show for all the Nancys out there, because there are millions of you, we know, who are afraid that you're going to regret the way you're living your life right now, because you're in the middle of it, and you already regret it, right?

4:26Yeah. Yeah. I feel that even if I had the time or made the time, that I wouldn't even know what to do when that time came. Yeah. That is bad, Nancy. That's a bad thing. Thanks, Oprah. But you're going to be able to change by the end of this show, hopefully. Did you see that show with Toni Morrison, though? Yeah, I did. About...because she was saying that what happens is, you know, and that she made the same mistake. your children come into the room, and there's this critical face, this critical eye. It's, did you clean your room? Have you done your homework? What's your hair? Did you comb your hair?

4:54Did you, did you, did you, did you, did you? And that's what children end up feeling, especially young children, because they don't have the language of expression. Well, you're going to be so much better when this is over. I hear sometimes that you feel like you have to earn the right to relax with your family. Right, that there's always something else that could be done before I had the license to do that, like a laundry to be folded or the dishwasher to be unloaded. Isn't this amazing that with, even with technology, and our mothers who didn't have dishwashers and didn't have washing machines and, because I remember, you know, seeing my, wearing my mother boiling clothes and hanging them on the line, that even with all of this technology, it doesn't seem that it's helped the connection.

5:37Mm-hmm. I think sometimes the technology hurts it. Yeah. You know, that we could be watching TV instead of talking, that kind of thing that's come into our lives. Okay. Mary Heston realized that she was the mother of an unhappy household, Mary says, and that the source of that unhappiness was her. But one little change in their kitchen, of all places, helped Mary, her husband, and their four children start making some lasting memories. And maybe you'll get some ideas for your own family. We had three kids. Everything was running smooth. They slept through the night. Everything was clicking. and with number four, everything changed.

6:14It took every waking hour. There was no nap time because somebody always needed something. I was trying to be a good mom but trying to do everything at once, so I got really grumpy. Mostly I wasn't able to spend time with the older kids. When they needed something, I would just snap at them and say, get it yourself, I'm busy. I just realized with the four kids running around, I wasn't connecting with a single one. It was like a panic. The big turning point was when we moved into the house, the kitchen was really dark, and I'd seen a thing on a home improvement show about using mirrors to lighten up a room.

6:55I'd put the mirrors up in the kitchen, and one day I looked up and saw my own face in the mirror, and I looked grumpy. I was tired and didn't look like a good mom. I was looking at the same face that they were about to see. And I wouldn't want to see that face the last thing before I left for school, before I left for work. And so I really started to try and make a positive change just in my attitude. My husband and I started getting up before the kids, and he would make coffee, and we'd sit down in our sunroom and just have a little bit of downtime together before the kids woke up. And I was so much calmer and I could greet them with a smile.

7:39And it just changed the whole attitude and atmosphere of the day. Good morning. Hello. So when I started out in the morning with a smile, everybody else started out with a smile and being calm. I like to get up early now so I can give my mom a hug. I stopped trying to do things for my kids and started doing things with my kids. I know how to fold this. I know you know how to fold it. And that was a huge difference. Even folding laundry, we were able to make a connection. It all comes down to how you start your day. That's made all the difference for us. Mary, that is so huge. That's big, isn't it?

8:22It does. It sometimes doesn't make sense. When you wake up in the morning, you have three million things to do to just start out taking a break first thing. And connecting with my husband has been great, starting out with the coffee. And we sit down and we don't always talk about what we're going to do that day, but sometimes what we're going to do next year or in two years. And that's been a huge connection. And some... And I'm sure sometimes it's just being, being with each other. Just being with each other. Sometimes we don't even talk. We talk about how fast that car just drove by our house.

8:51Yeah. Yeah. And so it's been great. Yeah. How does that feel to you? Yeah. I know that I should do that. I just haven't done it. I, we were talking about starting gratitude journals, the whole family. Yeah. Because I felt like maybe beginning, in the beginning it would be big things, but then we would start appreciating each other through that, those big things, and going down to the little things. I haven't done it yet. Haven't done it. So, so the big thing is forcing yourself to do something. I mean, and I know that for most people the idea of getting up earlier when you're just, but I think a lot of people, they're just getting up right at the crack.

9:25You're saving that last five minutes. Right. And so then you're so right. The way you start the day is how, is, determines what, what happens during the day. Absolutely. Because when we wake up just a few minutes earlier before the kids, I'm able to start out calm. I can wish them off to school with a smile and tell them, have a great day. And it's made a, it's made a huge difference. I read you also set up your computer next to your children's computer so that you could work alongside each other. Absolutely. We always work together. Matt and, and I work together on an Internet site, and we have a lot of fun doing that.

9:54And Mike homeschools, and he works right alongside with me, and I'll get on the computer right next to him. And even the little kids get up there and get on the computer with us. We've set up everything side by side. We always work together. When I go to meetings, one of them's going with me. Really? So it's been... So how's that working out for you? Just fine. Really? Just making great. Great. He's a good little editor. He's a little editor, even. Okay. Now, we're going to give you some specific strategies on how to begin to have great conversations with your children. How many times have you had this exchange?

10:30How was school? Fine. We're going to teach you how to move beyond. Fine. And ask your children what they want to be asked. Author Ellen Galinsky found out what kids really want from their parents. Ellen Galinsky, I talked to more than a thousand kids from all over the country, a nationally representative group, to find out what do kids really want from us. I ask kids, what will you remember most from this period in your life? And I think we as parents would think they'd remember the trips, the vacations, the fancy events. That's not what they said. Kids talked about everyday moments, the small moments that make a big difference.

11:10What we learn from it is how important tradition and ritual are to children. The bedtime story, the good morning wake up, these are the things that your children will carry with them into adulthood. If given just one wish, kids would wish that we were less stressed and less tired. What does that mean? It means that we need to pay attention to how we act with our kids. We live in a very high-octane society, but for kids we need to figure out how to calm down, how to be present, how to be in the moment with them. Sometimes I wish that like my dad wasn't at work all the time and he wasn't at all these business trips because I like it when we're together.

11:56My mom's so busy that I know that she really wants to talk with us more but I think she can, she does her best. I wish my dad would sometimes just turn the phone off so we could talk to him in full sentences. It'll be nice every once in a while. When they're not listening, I can tell because they just do all the opposite things they would do when they're listening. I know my parents are listening when they are looking at me and when they are just real focused on me. My mom and I do this a lot. We have a nice little backyard, lawn furniture and things like that. We just go out there later at night just laying around and having a good conversation.

12:42I think the best conversation time is either in the car when I'm alone with my mom or at dinner when we're all together and we can all share. It doesn't take that long of a time to really sit down and have a good conversation, which could be a 15-minute conversation, but could really have a big effect on you. We're talking about how you, as a parent, can best use your time with your children, getting you to ask yourself, what do you want your children to remember about their childhood? Mary Loverty is the mother of three and the author of the book Stop Screaming at the Microwave. We've mentioned it a couple of times on the show, because a lot of y 'all are doing that.

13:24And she says that for 15 years she tried to be the supermom that we hear about so often. And one day when she was working away at her computer and shouting at the kids to keep their distance, she realized that she was not really living the life she wanted for herself or her children. Correct? Correct. I realized that I was disconnecting in my zeal to get it all done. And I knew that that was... Just like Nancy, so you recognized yourself in Nancy. Just like Nancy, exactly. But I realized that I had a choice. I could stop, I could refocus, and I could reconnect with them. Yeah. So what do you want to say to Nancy?

13:58It's the little, easy, simple things. You know, don't sell yourself so short. Don't think it's got to be this big, huge thing, because it doesn't. And you're probably doing a better job than you think you are. And is it, you know, I know a lot of people who are watching now are saying, I would like to do it, I would like to do it, but then how do I even start? So I think it's the difference between, like, I would like to lose 20 pounds and deciding to do it. You know, there's a big difference between I wish I could and then really having the decision and wanting to be willing to work at it. So is it work?

14:32You know, I don't think it is work if you start giving yourself credit for what you naturally want to do anyway. For example, one woman said every morning she hollered at her children to get up. It was a cold climate. Get up, get up, get up. She pleaded, she begged. And one day she realized, well, how could I make it good for them? So she took their clothes, put it in the dryer, got them all warm, came up with a big armful of fluffy clothes and said, come on, get out of bed quick so you can have warm clothes. Problem solved. Very good. That's what moms, they have to be so creative. Okay, so you have specific ways parents can have, what, better conversations with their children.

15:07That's right. First of all... I thought that little boy who said 15 minutes makes a big difference. It's true. Fifteen minutes is really a long time. Dinner time is a great opportunity. I can't cook, so our dinners are pretty short. Fifteen minutes is all it lasts. And so you can ask them, for example, we go around the table and say, what nice thing happened to you today? There's a movie out, The Story of Us, that talks about what's your high point of the day, what's your low. So they play high-low. It gives kids an opportunity to know how to express their feelings. Really good. So what's your high point of the day?

15:38Mm-hmm. That's a good question. Yeah. And what was your low? Right. And everybody has those. Correct. And so you say be careful with your questions. Well, don't grill them. You know, nobody likes to be backed into a corner. So kind of go around the outside. Like, for example, with Sarah, my daughter, I wouldn't say, oh, so tell me about your boyfriend. You know, you go kind of around it a little bit and warm up to them. Oh, how do you go around that question?

16:05I'm not sure what is the question to go around that question. Well, you'd have to talk about something else so that she got a little comfortable with you. It's just not something she walks in the door and you blurt out. OK. I think it's only if you're four that you want to talk about your boyfriend, right? That's right. I've always found four-year-old girls love to talk about their boyfriends. Okay. And ask them questions, you say, where they can look good. Oh, sure. Don't we all like to look good? So I would say, you know, you got almost all of your words right on the spelling test. Tell me about that.

16:35Or tell me about the softball game. You know, you were, Sarah played softball and there's nobody out and the bases are loaded and she's pitching. Tell me about this. And let them look good and feel good about themselves. Some form of expression. So how's it worked in the family, Sarah? It's worked really well. It's worked really well. We just started a new ritual where when I come home from college, I get a glass of hot chocolate every morning. Really? And I love that. She doesn't do it for my brother. She doesn't do it for my sister. It's just our little thing. And even if I wake up late, I still have a cup of hot chocolate by my bed that I can warm up.

17:06It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel special, because she's busy, but she takes time out for me. And so what are your memories of your childhood? Well, one of my favorite ones is when I was little. I hated making my bed, but she turned it into a game. So before she got in the room, I'd throw the covers over myself and hide. And she'd walk in the room and say, now what is this lump doing in the bed? And she'd try to squish me down and make the bed flat and neat. And finally I'd throw the covers back and say, it's just me, Mom. And that's one of the things I always remember. She made a chore fun.

17:36Really? Really? And I felt loved. That's really great. Linda Steinbuck is a single mother of twin girls who are 12 years old. And Linda has come up with a really creative way to get her girls to open up to her. She plays Josephine the manicurist. Explain. Well, this happened actually almost by accident. Years ago, the girls asked if I would polish their nails, and for some reason I introduced myself as a professional manicurist, Josephine. And since Josephine was a stranger, she, I needed to ask some very basic infor... basic questions to them. What is your name? Where do you go to school? Who are your friends?

18:12And, Oprah, I discovered an amazing thing. they opened up at a level that they don't open up to when they're talking to mom. Mm-hmm. Whereas mom would say, how was school today? They'd say, oh, good. Fine. When Josephine asks the question, I get details. I get friends. I get experiences retold. I get hopes. I get fears. All the little things. Now, does that still work? Because they're onto that Josephine thing now. They're onto, you're not Josephine. You're really mom. And you can hold this against me later on. Right, girls? Pretty much. They do know. They know it's me, but, you know, they still ask about Josephine, hey, can Josephine do my nails today?

18:55Uh-huh. And so, and they do tend to open up. I mean, I'll admit, sometimes when it gets really juicy, I'll lose the accent and kind of turn into mom, and we just start talking. So how old are you now? How old are your girls? We're 12. We're 12. 12. You're 12. Okay. Good. And so what are your fondest memories? Well, just that. And it's really kind of easy to open up to Josephine instead of just Mom. Even now? Okay. Yeah. Also because when Josephine's asking me a question, it's like she doesn't know me. And I find that it's easier to open up to a stranger because when I'm getting to know someone, I tell them everything that I know about me, instead of just assuming that they know that since she's my mom.

19:44Okay. Here's Ellen Galinsky, author of the book, Ask the Children, on some of the best strategies for good conversations with your children. Ellen Galinsky, I think one of the mistakes that we as parents make when we want to talk to our kids is that we just launch into it cold turkey. And kids told me in my study that that's a little hard for them. They need a warm-up time. So I think it's important for us to realize that we need to give children that time and that space. One of the things that's really useful is talking in the car. Don't just have the radio on. Use the time in the car. They're not looking at you.

20:20You're not looking at them. So that's a real good time to have a conversation. Another technique that parents find very effective is what I call a third-party conversation starter. Don't ask how your child feels about some of the tough issues. Talk about a movie that you saw. Talk about a story that someone else told you and ask your child what he or she thinks about it because then your kids can get into the conversation in a safe way. A technique that's really useful is to talk to your kids in the dark. Sometimes when kids want to tell us things, they're not sure how we're going to react, whether we're going to judge them.

20:55And so talking in the dark when you put your child to bed at night gives a sense of safety. You don't have to look at the other person, so kids feel safer to open up.

21:11Mary Louise and her daughter Sarah had what most people thought was a perfect mother-daughter relationship. Though she had a high-pressure job, Mary Louise was doing all the things that she thought a good parent should do. But the combination of Sarah becoming a teenager and Mary Louise being distracted by her job meant the two of them were becoming strangers in their own house. As Sarah was growing up, I would definitely say that she and I had a strong relationship, the kind of relationship that most women look for, you know, especially with their daughters. I participated as her Sunday school teacher.

21:45We did lots of family vacations together. We also did the Girl Scout cookie thing. See, I didn't like Girl Scouts. She felt like she was doing all of these things with me that was so important for a mother-daughter bond, and really I didn't care at all about any of it. I thought this was going to be the foundation for a solid adolescence, but I started to see us become distant. I couldn't seem to approach her without her kind of giving me that look. It pissed me off that everybody looked at our families being perfect and everything was great with our relationship and there wasn't anything there.

22:20My life was changing radically. My career definitely escalated in its need for my time. I was very stressed. I kept it under control very much at work, but you know what? When I got home, those who I loved actually saw a different kind of person. As I would walk from the garage to our house, you know, and they'd see me up the walkway, I could just see the kid's face and my husband's face as I dragged myself in. I sometimes didn't even feel like I really knew her at all because she wasn't home much and because she didn't ever relate to me when she was home. You know, she was just another person that was kind of living in my house.

22:57I was definitely distracted, and Sarah was definitely, you know, protecting what was hers. With dinner, I don't know, I didn't even want to be there. If I could, I would have taken my plate and just ran and gone somewhere else or not eaten. I realized that Sarah only had a few more years in our home, and that it was...I was the adult here, and that I had to do something to change. Wow. So you were there, but not there. I was there, but not there. Yeah. Yeah. You see yourself in that, Nance? Yeah. There, but not there. I was saying, Mary, I think that the...there's the... the disconnection, disconnection from self, disconnection from your own sense of worth, and disconnection from family, is like a national disease or something, isn't it?

23:41It...it really is. And it's unnecessary. Unnecessary. So what did you do? Well, Oprah, you know, I knew that I had to do something. But I had an absolutely devastating situation as I was participating in a focus group at Sarah's school. And one of her classmates made a casual comment to me about, wow, you're Sarah White-Petterudy's mom. I can't believe it. And I asked her to explain. She said, well, I thought her dad was, you know, either divorced or widowed. You've never been at a game, and she never talks about you. Wow. Devastation? I felt I should flog myself. I had, I knew... So what did you do in that meeting?

24:20Oh, boy. In that meeting, I just, I think I just kept praying, because I always knew that I had to do something. I had already been discussing, you know, options for becoming more connected with her, because I knew a lot of it was my time commitments. Yeah. Had, you know, had allowed me... I'm so glad that you were courageous enough, strong enough, to be on TV and say this to all these moms, because, you know, I've done shows for, you know, since 19-aught. And people always say that I woke up and my teenager just became another person. And I absolutely, you know, speaking from a person who only has dogs and hasn't raised children, but absolutely over the years I have seen from the kids' point of view that it's about what's going on with related to connecting or not being connected.