Special: How to Have More Time For Yourself

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1:00This is a really important show, I think. I'm trying to cause a shift in thinking for all of you hardworking women, particularly those of you who are women who work at home with your children. If you can't remember the last time you took an hour out of your day to do something just for yourself, I mean, really, just for yourself, not for your children or your husband, but spend a full hour just doing something just for yourself, we have a challenge for you today. Can you hear me? It could be the single greatest thing you do for yourself, for your marriage, and really, ultimately, for your children.

1:38No matter how busy your life is, we're going to show you step by step how to find at least one full hour every day to spend on yourself. Now, if you think it's impossible, what many of you don't realize is that your daily routine is full of things that are actually robbing you of precious time. So this is a show you should pay attention to. First, we asked Kathy Peele, author of the book, Be Your Best, The Family Manager's Guide to Personal Success. We asked Kathy to sit down with a group of busy moms who admit that they want time for themselves, but you just don't know how to find it, and you don't believe there is any time.

2:16Does it sound familiar? I'll wake up and I'll be, you know, gung-ho for the kids and making them breakfast, and then I realize, though, I don't have time to clean up the kitchen, and then I've got to drive kids to school. So I never feel the accomplishment of finishing a task. It's not good to be a supermom. You know, people think they're complimenting you and they say you're a supermom and you think, I don't want to do everything. Right, you don't want to do everything. And so I'm trying to get my kids to help. But it seems like when you get them to try to help, sometimes you're going backwards.

2:48So you think, I might as well do it myself. Probably on a daily basis, I lose the goal to take a shower by 9. I get up, I have every intention of doing it, and then something happens. How much more basic can you get in terms of a goal? This isn't rocket science. This is getting in the shower. The one thing I thought I was doing for myself was I went back to college. Yet, it's so hard because I feel everyone else is paying for me to get something. I'm a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. and I feel bipolar, there's always something to do. And I feel if I did something for myself, then I would be tripolar if there's a thing called that.

3:32And it's not unheard of to see me with, you know, a headphone, with my phone hooked onto my pants, running around talking to people and, you know, and doing my job, but also coloring at the same time and running loads of laundry. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I have a one-year-old. It's just so much easier to constantly neglect yourself while everybody else is demanding your attention. I can't find myself anymore. I can find mom, the mother I am. I can find the executive I am. I can find, sometimes find, the wife lover I try to squeeze that in. I can't find myself. Now I'm recognizing I've got to find time.

4:11I am dying here. Janet, you said being called a supermom is not a compliment. What do you mean? I think everyone means to compliment you, but it also puts the pressure on you to try to do even more because that is the image that somehow people get of you. And I think once when Gary and I, well, as the parents of six, you know, there's just a lot to do, but one day we decided we were going to fix the dishwasher ourselves because why not? We can do it. And we did it, but then I thought, well, why did we think we had to fix the dishwasher? There should be other people because if it's something within your possibility that you are capable of doing, then of course you should do it yourself and not ask someone else to do it.

4:51Kathy said one of the biggest reasons women don't take time for themselves is because it makes them somehow feel selfish. So next you asked our moms a key question, do you see yourselves as valuable, which is a huge, huge question. Listen to what these women said. I see my children, my husband, my home, even the dog's needs coming before my own. I think the reason we put things off or we don't spend the time thinking of ourselves is because we think that the children's needs are more important and our husbands needs are more important and the household needs are more important in order to keep status quo.

5:32I don't have that motivation to take care of myself. The guilt is what causes me to prioritize myself less or put other people's values ahead of my own. Maybe I enjoy being the center. Maybe it would be that I'm afraid that I wouldn't be needed. I don't know how to stop giving to everyone and start giving to myself. It almost feels selfish to think of yourself first. When I have those five minutes, I'm thinking, who has clean socks? Who needs to go to the dentist? Who needs this? Who needs that? I mean, you no longer see anything. You lose your beauty. I think a lot of times you can tend to measure yourself, again, against everyone else.

6:17And though you don't know what's going on behind people's doors, you think that everyone else does it better than you. Even if I did have the time to be able to sit and totally not focus on, you know, anything but your breathing or the sky or, you know, I don't even know how to begin to empty your mind of all the other things you're thinking about that you need to do. Wow. I got this e-mail from Tracy. Tracy, are you here? I think that a lot of you will see yourselves in Tracy. She says, at first I thought one of the reasons why I don't make myself a priority now is that it just kind of slipped away, that I created a pattern of putting myself last.

6:54And after a year or two of repetition, the person I thought I was just sort of vanished. But then I really started thinking back, trying to find who I was and how I lost that person. I realized I never had a clear picture of who I was. I hid always, hid within a hectic schedule in order to not to think about it. It's hard to look at something you don't like and something that makes you uncomfortable. You say it could have started in elementary school when you were shuttled back and forth between divorced parents. It could have started in high school. I was never told I was pretty smart or athletic.

7:22However, I was always complimented on how much I did and how much I did accomplish. I think I started to identify myself as one who could rise to the challenge, pull through in a pinch, climb that mountain. In high school, I was in chorus, field hockey, honor society, student government, every dance committee. I twirled a ton in the band front. I had a job on the weekends. I picked up three of my friends every morning in my car, drove them to school. I drove kids home from band practice. I began to find comfort in the sheer volume of my life," you say. So now you're surrounded like an addict, you say.

7:55You began to overcome that you're addicted to chaos. When you heard a friend say, that Tracy, she only thrives in chaos, you were offended by that. Why? Because that's not how I want to be remembered, as someone who thrives in chaos or who's always hectic. I want to be remembered as a good friend or a good wife. I don't want to be remembered as somebody who was always just busy. I don't think there's a lot of value in just being busy. And I think that I find... But you're busy doing things that you think have to be done, correct? Mm-hmm. But I feel like I have to be the martyr. I'm the one who has to step up all the time.

8:30I'm the one who has to rise to the challenge. And I'm mad at myself for putting myself into that role, and I want to get out. I really need to find out who I am and who I skipped being along the way. It's so important to remember that our kids are not going to grow up and remember if they made it to soccer practice on time every time. They are going to remember if mom was a nice person. And if we don't take care of ourselves, it's very hard to be a nice person. What I'm really hoping, what my prayer for this show is, and I have a prayer for every show, is that, women, you begin to see the value of your lives, not as a mother, not as a daughter, not as a wife, not as a lover, but you begin to see that you are a person worth honoring and worth valuing just because.

9:18First, we asked our moms to answer the following question, if only blank, then I would take care of myself. Listen to their answers. If only I could let go of the guilt of not being there 24 hours a day for my husband and my children, I would take better care of myself. If only I could let my house go without being obsessive over its cleanliness, I would have time to exercise and take care of myself physically. If only I could learn to say no to new obligations and not take on any more responsibilities, I'd have more time for myself. If only I could let go of some of the control that I feel that I need with being a mom, then I think that I could take better care of myself.

10:08If only. We're talking about how to find more time for yourself, mostly about making the shift in your own head that you deserve the time. Right. Because the reason people don't find the time is because they don't think they really deserve the time. Isn't that the truth? Anything you value, you're going to take care of. We don't see ourselves as valuable. And it's just like a bank account. If you keep giving and giving and giving and giving and don't put anything in, it's going to go bankrupt. And we're going bankrupt. Women everywhere are going bankrupt, physically, emotionally, spiritually, because they're not taking care of themselves.

10:39And as we were preparing for this show, all the busy moms we spoke with said the same thing. If only I could find time to take care of myself. I know I'd be a better wife. I know I'd be a better mother and a better person. So today we're going to prove that it really can be done. Kathy's going to show you how she did it with other women, but mostly you have to want it. You have to want to do it for yourself. You have to believe that it is important enough for you to do for yourself. Let's begin with time robbers, first of all, things that most of you busy moms are doing every day that are unknowingly robbing you of valuable time.

11:13Kathy's going to explain. Like? Well, just standing in lines. The average American spends five years of their life standing in lines? That's a lot of time. We've got to be smart. You know, being a good family manager is about being a knowledge worker and doing things at the right time. Don't go to the post office at noon or on Saturday morning. Everybody else is there. Don't go to the grocery store at 5.30 in the afternoon. You've got to stand in a long line. Just simple things like, look, having one certain place, you always put your car keys or always put your glasses. This is not rocket science.

11:41It's just little things that can save you minutes here, minutes there, minutes there. So that you're not looking for your keys and looking for your glasses and looking for... Mary Kay is a wife and mother of four children. And Mary Kay says she's so busy that taking an hour to do something for herself is not an option. Every day I get up between 5.30 and 6 o 'clock with the baby. I feed him. And then at 7 o 'clock I get the other kids up for school, get them downstairs. They have their breakfast. and then I get them off to school about a quarter to eight, and then I have about another hour before my preschooler has to leave.

12:17And that's when I start my day. I put Joe down for his nap at about 9 o 'clock. I might spend even more than 20 minutes looking for something to wear that fits. I refuse to go buy clothes for myself because I am convinced in my head that one day I'm going to have time to exercise my way back to my size 8 body that I used to have. I am my children's maid. Every day I spend about 20 minutes cleaning up the rooms after they're gone. I'm picking up this PJ and this undies and this and this and this and this all over the floor. And I find them in corners because they're playing slingshot with them.

12:50The boys are 8, 6, 5 and 5 months old. And that generates a lot of laundry. And I do it all. I wash it, I fold it, I iron it, I put it away. And that takes a lot of time. At 11 o 'clock my kindergartner comes home. The baby's getting up. So the kindergartner is hungry. We get him a snack. Joey's hungry for breakfast. I feed him breakfast. Quarter to 12, Jeffrey comes home from school. I forget the two boys lunch, play with the baby a little bit, talk to the kids about their day. The bathroom is a huge issue for me. I have three boys that regularly use the bathroom, if you know what I mean. Every one of my boys is like target challenged when it comes to going to the bathroom.

13:30So every day I clean the bathroom. I don't like the floors to be dirty, you know. I look at them, I see spots all over them. It makes me sick. It makes me crazy. When I get motivated to exercise, I see a toy on the floor and I start thinking about that whole room and it needs to be cleaned up, and I get off of it. Then I end up cleaning the whole room up, and then I never get back on it again. Talking on the phone is probably a time robber for me because when I'm talking on the phone, although I'm cordless, I sit down with my cup of coffee. I could be getting things done, but I just want to give them my full attention so I don't really do anything.

14:07and then evening activities begin. Every night, four nights a week, we have a sports activity to get to by usually about 5 or 5.30. We get home from sporting events usually between 6.30 and a quarter to 7. If I had not yet given the kids dinner because we had a crazy afternoon, I've got to think about what I'm going to feed them. Many times it's, you know, where are we going? Mom, McDonald's or Burger King? I want them in bed, you know, at 8.30 because they've got to get up early in the morning. At about 10.30, my husband might fall asleep on the couch. I'm putzing around doing laundry usually until about 11.30 or 12 o 'clock.

14:46Congratulations. Congratulations. Wow. Thank you. Okay. So were you able to find time for her? Yes. Plenty of time for her to take care of herself every day. You were able to find time there? Yes, ma 'am. Okay. Yeah, sure. We found it. Sure. We sent Kathy to Mary Kay's house to show her exactly where she's robbing herself of valuable time. What I want you to do is go to the store and just buy a handful of everyday outfits, not many, but these have to get you through the next six to eight weeks. And that's going to save you 10 minutes a day of searching for clothes to wear. Your boys are five, six, and eight, and they're old enough to do this themselves.

15:32If they start doing their own chores, that's going to free up 24 minutes a day for you. Now, we gave the boys their own laundry baskets. They're going to collect it. They can also help fold laundry, and this is going to save you 10 minutes a day by letting them help. Now, it won't be folded exactly like you like it folded, but it's more important to teach the boys responsibility and to give you 10 extra minutes to refresh yourself during the day than to have a perfect linen closet. Little boys need to have target practice in the bathroom. They need to hit the toilet. So you can take a paint pen and draw a target on the bottom of the toilet bowl so they won't miss.

16:10You could also keep a little jar of cereal like Cheerios and let them drop one in the toilet and let them have target practice that way. When they finish, they can take an antibacterial wipe and wipe the seat if they missed. First, I want to suggest that you don't be a slave to the telephone. let the calls go to answering machine, and then call people back on your schedule when it's convenient. And be sure to call long-winded friends back when you have to go someplace in five minutes, so you don't have forever to talk. Also, try to use your portable phone as much as possible so you can get something done while you're talking on the phone.

16:47This will save you 30 minutes a day. You spend a lot of time every day over cleaning. Your house doesn't have to be as clean as you think it has to be. it's okay to have a dust bunny here and there. I want you to go on a cleaning fast. I want you to take 30 minutes a day where you don't clean anything, and I want you to stay focused on what you're doing. This 30-minute cleaning fast is going to add to your self-nurturing time, and that's going to help you be a better mom, wife, and friend. So Kathy saved Mary Kay a grand total of two hours and four minutes.

17:26Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! What to do with all that time. Take a really long shower. Yeah. Take a really long shower. Oh, yeah. I might even shave my legs. I don't know. That'll be too much to handle. No, everybody's cracking up. See, there's the...the toilet is always the common denominator for all of us. And the idea...you say you've raised three boys. Yes. Boys like target practice. They have to have target practice. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so the Cheerios in there? Yes. Yes. Gives them something to aim at. Right. Right. Works. It works. Yeah. And they can help clean the toilet if they miss. With the bacterial wipes.

18:06They are awesome. Really? I love them, love them, love them. Really? They're great. They're great. I'm going to buy them for every room. Really? Oh. The bacterial wipes. They're great, yeah. The bacterial wipes. And they come, and the package is not that obnoxious. I mean, you can kind of have it out, but I wouldn't want it on my countertop. Yeah. Put it up to the side. So you put it right there on the side or under the cabinet. Yeah. Right. And then you just pull one out, and they work great. And I'm telling you, the bathroom, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Because I'm cleaning it like twice a day.

18:34Yeah, she was spending a lot of time cleaning the bathroom. It's unbelievable. But these wipes are great. They just boom, boom. They're done. You're out of there. I can't believe it. What kind do you use? I just saw Mr. Clean has them. That's what they are. Mr. Clean. I saw those. They are Mr. Clean. I swear. I saw an ad for them, and I said, you know what? I'm going to pick up me some Mr. Clean wipes. They're the best. They're the best. They're the best. Try them. They're really good. See, this has happened twice a day. First I saw them in a magazine, and then I... You mentioned it. That's a sign.

19:00They are great. They're great. How do you feel about the two hours and four minutes? I think it's great. And I just want to put it to use and use her tips and see what happens. Because you were saying you don't suffer from guilt. You just didn't think you had the time. No, I have no guilt. No. I have no guilt. When I take time for myself away from my family, I have no guilt at all, because they have so much of me right now that, you know, I'm not going to feel guilty about it. And you agree, right? Yes. Because the more she can take care of herself, the more available she is to give of herself to everybody.

19:33That's a good thing. And then I'm in a better mood, and it's just better all the way around. For everybody. For everybody. Absolutely. OK, Karen is a wife and mother of three young children, and she works outside the home. And she says she knows she needs to take time for herself, but she's so overwhelmed she's just trying to stay above water. Sound familiar? Eek. It takes me 20 minutes each and every morning trying to locate my car keys, and it's so annoying when I get up and I go to the drawer where I put them in the evenings. My car keys are never there, and it's probably because the kids are in and out of the drawers most of the evening.

20:12It really sets me back and late for work almost every day. Each morning I waste about 10 to 15 minutes trying to find homework from the night before because the kids, they do have homework and they do do it in the evenings, but by the time we get up in the morning no one can locate it. So that takes away about 10 or 15 minutes. I get home every day about 5 o 'clock and what I normally do when I come through the door is go right to the mail. I open up each package and I look at it and I have to decide what's junk mail and what's an actual bill that needs my attention. I go through the coupons because I love to clip coupons and they are very handy for me when I go to the grocery store.

21:00So I spend about 30 minutes, 45 minutes every day going through mail. Ironing is a big project of mine. One of my bad habits is leaving the jeans in the dryer. so when you leave jeans in the dryer over a certain amount of time, you have to iron them. I spend about 15 minutes every day writing down the same information over and over again, the grocery list and the babysitting rules. Kathy had no problem finding an extra hour in Karen's day. Every morning, you have to search for your car keys. It's causing you to be frustrated and stressed out. There's a simple solution to this problem. Just put a hook near your exit door and every time you walk through the door, you hang your keys on this hook out of your kids reach.

21:47This is a simple thing to do, but it's going to save you 20 minutes of precious time. Every morning you spend 10 to 15 minutes searching for homework papers. What I want you to do from now on is every night when Lewis finishes his homework, take it and put it in this bin which is on the kitchen counter. That way in the morning all he has to do is grab his papers and put them in his backpack. This is going to save you 15 minutes of searching time. Every afternoon after work, you spend 30 to 45 minutes going through the mail. Instead, I want you to get the important pieces out, the bills and such, and then put the junk mail, the coupons and all in this pouch, and then take the pouch with you to work, and on your lunch time, go through that mail and get those valuable coupons out.

22:33This is going to free up 30 minutes of your valuable time in the afternoon. I want you to use your computer to create some forms, a babysitter form, so that all you have to do is fill in the blanks of the times you'll be gone, the rules, emergency numbers. Also create a grocery list, so that when you go to the store, all you have to do is check off the things that you need. This is going to save you 10 minutes a day. Karen, you spend 30 minutes a day ironing. We're going to break this bad habit in a fun way by creating a game where your kids can keep you accountable. Every time the dryer goes off and you don't get those jeans out of the dryer, you're going to deposit some money in this jar, and your kids get to keep it.

23:15It's going to free up 30 minutes a day that you can spend nurturing yourself. So Kathy saved Karen a grand total of one hour and 45 minutes.

23:30Really good. Really good. And I got to go jogging. And she's already using her time differently. You're already using your time differently. I understand since we were at the house you've been jogging twice? Yes, I have. Sunday evening and Monday morning. When I got up, I had that extra time. I didn't have to look for the keys. And out I was jogging around the track. And I said, wow, this is wonderful. And how much money have your children made? My son, he put a dime in himself. So you've been getting those jeans out of the drive? Oh, yes. Okay. Yes, yes, because he'll remind me. Yeah. That's good.

24:04We're talking about the importance of finding and taking time for yourself. If you can't do this for yourself, you should at least do it for your children. Katrina says she realized how important it is to slow down the rhythm of your life after a powerful moment with her son. My husband and I talked a great deal about what we wanted our family life to be like, and we both had a vision of home as a haven, a place to escape from all the world's busyness. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a good life is about doing everything. My calendar used to be filled with as many activities for the children as activities for me.