Special: What Could You Give Up?

0:00Through 25 seasons, 4 ,561 episodes, I believe The Oprah Winfrey Show was one of the greatest classrooms in the world. I really never thought of it that way. The aha moments, the breakthroughs, the connections, the occasional ugly cry. I miss him so terribly. I miss him every single minute. The LOLs. The moments that mattered. Daddy! The eye-opening life lessons. Never allow them to take you somewhere else. I'm bringing them back. It's time to open the vault. I've personally chosen these classic episodes to share with you again. Every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire.

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0:59Have a seat. How's everybody? Is anybody giving up anything for the new year? What are you giving up? I'm giving up all the volunteer time that I do. You're giving up the volunteer time? Just for a little while. We're trying to get people to volunteer. I'll help you. And now you're giving it up? I need to for a little while, but I'll come and help you. Because it was too much. You're overwhelmed by it. Overwhelmed. My son even asked me, Mom, please come. Give it up. He called the show. To say give it up. Yes. How much volunteering are you doing? An awful lot. He does athletic activities. I do homeowner association.

1:38Too much. Yes, too much. It's overwhelming your life. Anybody else overwhelmed in your life and you've got to give up something? Yes, ma 'am. You know, I was telling the lady earlier that I wanted to give up. My son, he's in a lot of activities, too. He takes jazz on Mondays, tap on Tuesdays, basketball practice Wednesdays, the games are on Thursdays. He's so exhausted. And then I work nights, and so then I have to have time to come home and help him with his homework. And I just can't find the time. I need sleep, and, you know, I don't want to give up the things that he loves to do, but I just, I'm worn out.

2:09I'm just exhausted. I'm so tired of listening to you. I'm just exhausted. I really am. That is too much going on. Well, you know, people make New Year's resolutions all the time. I've been thinking about this for a long time. I decided this year I was going to give up swearing. Now, it's very hard for me to admit this on television. I've admitted a lot of things on television that were, I know, seem more horrendous to other people. But they were easier to admit than in my private frustrated moments. I swear. And it started, really, I'm going to try not to cry about it. But, uh... And I really, it's a thing I really don't like about myself.

2:43And Stedman really doesn't like it. So, you know, we've been in a relationship for 12 years, and we'll be sitting at the table or something's going on. And then I'll, it's like the opposite roles, because I'll say, excuse me, honey, then I'll use a swear word, and then he'll say, why do you do that? And he thinks it's disgusting. My mentor, Maya Angelou, thinks it's so disgusting. She says that words carry their own kind of energy and won't allow anybody to swear in her house. So, like, I'm always on point when I'm in her house. But I would have to say this started, I grew up in a newsroom. As many of you know, I've been in news before I did this.

3:17And it's just, like, common language in a newsroom. I was taught by Richard Scherr in Baltimore, and it's just people would just say not even good morning. They say, how the huh are you? Okay, so I'm trying to give it up. In a recent poll, 89 % of people say that swearing is an issue for them. So I felt so relieved. I'm not alone. It's gotten so bad that there is now a school to learn to stop swearing. I don't know if I need to school, But what those of us who in our moments of frustration swear know, sometimes you need the consonants, like you need that kuh sound, in order to eliminate the frustration.

4:01And sometimes if you're going to, like, substitute another word like, oh, pooty, it doesn't work. Some people think pooty is swearing. But anyway, Jim O 'Connor runs the Cuss Control Academy.

4:16We have a cuss control academy in the United States. It's gotten this bad. And seated next to Jim are some students who say they are trying to control their dirty words. Really? There was a need for a cuss control? Absolutely. Absolutely. They're swearing everywhere. Yeah. You should... I mean, we come on before a lot of the newscasts in this country. You should go to a newsroom. Oh, yeah? I am. Just about before the time the people go on the air. Go to an edit room. It is bad in there. And these are journalists who are experts in the English language and great communicators. That's true. That's supposedly true.

4:52Yeah. Okay. So why do people cuss so much? All kinds of reasons. It's easy language. It's lazy. I agree. It's fun to do it. It's sometimes flirtatious. It's a way to vent anger and frustration. Well, you know, it's interesting because I didn't realize it was so bad until I heard other women doing it, because Stephanie has always said how bad and disgusting it is. Then you hear other people do it, you think, do I sound that bad when I do it? Exactly. You do. That's why I started the class, because I was swearing all the time myself. I couldn't stand hearing myself. You couldn't stand hearing yourself.

5:24Okay, Jonathan, you're a student. Jonathan? For myself, I have a three and a one-year-old child, and I started to hear my boy. A three and a one-year-old. Three and a one-year-old boy, Charlie and Jonathan, and I started to hear Charlie repeat some of my loose language. And, you know, my wife and I would chuckle. We'd turn around and try not to see the boy. Like the F word. Yeah. That was the word, as a matter of fact, that inspired it. And, you know, basically it was funny for a moment, and then afterwards you sort of realize you feel a little guilty in the responsibility level that, you know, it wasn't how I was raised, and it wasn't permissible.

5:57So what got you started? Mine was a newsroom. I know that for sure. Well, I'm a New Yorker. Maybe that's part of the... Might be part of the problem, but... Would you think, do New Yorkers cuss more than other people? They do, in general? I think they're more flamboyant or more, you know, sometimes cursing can be a bond. And now, after taking the course, I find it to be something where the person using it is demeaning. It seems to me they don't have the power of what they're trying to get across. Well, I agree. It's a bit, it's horrible. I agree it's horrible. Okay. So I hear you're a preacher's daughter.

6:27Oh, yes. A preacher's daughter. Well, for me, that probably was the beginning of my cursing because I really got tired of being treated like Little Miss Goody Two-Shoes. So I decided, you know, the power of shock value was really a great thing. You'd lay it on them. Yes. So I started this in high school. Then in college I declared a theology major, so it was more obligatory cussing. And then the next thing I knew, I was a mother of three children, and I really never stopped cussing. And although I don't cuss at them, but I certainly do swear in front of them. Oh. And I've learned since I've taken Jim's course that more than just the actual words itself, that it's this negative atmosphere that's created that I want to get away from, because I'm really trying to be a positive role model for my children.

7:10I work in a high school. I need to be a positive role model around those students. Oh, absolutely. And I just want to... So I'm working more to... And you feel bad about yourself when you use the words. Yes, I do. Okay. Yes. So let's hear some good substitute swear words. Mm-hmm. I mean, what happens in the Cuss Academy? We want to know. Well, we... And how long do you have to go there? I mean, when do you finally graduate? Some people never get out. Some people never get out. Like, is it like... And is it like a six-week course or...? No, actually, it takes about one hour to you to really become aware of all the reasons why you shouldn't swear, to look at the ways you can change your attitude and your tone and just the way you live your life.

7:54OK, so what are the reasons you say we shouldn't swear? We all...people who swear know they shouldn't. Well, you don't exactly build good, strong relationships by swearing. Right. You don't get hired or promoted, unless you're Howard Stern. You really don't make friends. You don't improve a conversation. You don't get invited back to anything. People don't think well of you. Yeah, and you look bad. And you look bad. Not only offend people, but you create a very bad image of yourself. Okay. Now, what are some of the substitutes? We want to know. So you come in there, so you spend an hour talking about why you do it.

8:28Right. Okay. Well, there's all, for example, the four-letter S word, there's, I have 65 different expressions, common expressions. And you can't use one word to substitute for all those expressions. No. But if you're just shouting out. The four-letter S word. Oh. I think you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like, who gives a darn, you know. And we are just shooting the breeze. There's lots of different words that you can use. Shooting the breeze. Yeah. OK. Go ahead. But if you're angry, that's the one everyone wants to know about. What do I do when I'm angry? Yeah. You know? Like, I've tried Shazam, because Gomer used to say that.

9:04Yeah. Y 'all remember Gomer used to say, Shazam? Yeah. And that seems to work, because you need that shh sound. Yeah, yeah. And the zam on the end seems to give you a little momentum there. That's right. Yeah. That's right. That's why people say shoot. Shoot. Because shoot's real close to the real thing. Yeah. And shoot helps. Yeah. Yeah. I always say a thousand curses. You know, it just feels good to say a thousand curses. It kind of covers the whole gamut. I'm going to try that. Let's all try it. A thousand curses. Curses. Yeah. Oh my, a thousand curses. I like Shazam better. I like Shazam with a southern accent.

9:46Okay, what else? See, it's just a habit. You're in the habit of using that other word. Yeah. If you get in the habit of saying shoot, it really will do it for you after a couple of years of practice. Now, frickin' works pretty good for the F word. Yeah. I know somebody around here that'll do not a, say, it's not a frickin' thing. Yeah. Frickin' works pretty good, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, it doesn't fool anybody, but yeah, it works.

10:09But it, but it doesn't, it sort of gets, you need the F and the K, I think, the frickin', don't you think? Yeah. I like frickin'. Frickin', frickin'. Okay, yes ma 'am, what is your substitute? My first grade teacher does not like my kids using the word frickin'. She doesn't like frickin'? No, it was not acceptable. It was the first time she'd heard it from a first grader in 10 years. So we don't use that anymore either. Oh, frickin' is bad. Frickin' is bad. You think frickin' is bad? Well, again, you really, you really know exactly what you're saying, you know. It's better than the real thing.

10:37There's no question. Yeah, yeah. Freaking. Some people say freaking. Okay, okay. Still close. Okay. Yes, ma 'am, over there. I've got one for the S-H word. You got one for the S-H word. My high school teacher used to have this bucket of a big rock on the side of the class, and he called it a crock of schist, because schist is rock. So that's the substitution, schist. Yeah, you could get misheard many times. Oh, what a crock of schist. Oh, what a crock of schist. Yes, ma 'am, lady in red. My dear mother-in-law used to say, oh, shite. Oh, shite? Oh, shite. Well, you might as well use the... Well, you know, it was acceptable.

11:17It was acceptable. Any more? We need some more subs for the F word. What? Dagnabbit. Dagnabbit. Dagnabbit. Dagnabbit. That's a little long, but you have to use something that you're going to remember to use, I think, is important. And I'm dying to attend the Cost Control Academy yet, because I've been in a state of denial for many years that I had a problem. But then my girlfriend said that I used the F word as a verb, noun, and adjective in the same sentence. That was the first person she'd known to do that. And I've been in sports for about a dozen years, so it was accepted. And now I'm learning that.

11:50I know. In sports. News. Absolutely. Newsroom. Newsroom. Yeah. Richard Scherr. So now it's not socially acceptable in a lot of the circles I'm in, unless I'm playing football or softball, but outside of that spectrum, I'm trying to learn to not curse. And I did a little course study this weekend. I told my girlfriend I'd give her a quarter for every time that I swore. Yeah? And by the end of the weekend, I did a little tabulation and I got a... You're kidding. $2 ,584.25. Actually, no, it was$5.50. Really? Which is way too much money, I think. In quarters, that's a lot. Yes, in quarters, it was a lot.

12:22So I'm working hard, and I'm looking forward to taking the course. All right. Cuss Academy. Cuss Academy USA. That's what it's come to. All right. But I'm giving it up. I'm giving it, and I'm having people remind me, which I'm sure they will around here if I do. But I don't say it in a mean way. I think that's even worse just to kind of use it casually, don't you? Casually, right. Isn't that worse? Yeah, it is, because he just wanted to correct. You know, there's no excuse. Yeah. Yeah. No excuse for it. No. No excuse for it. Richard Chair. Today, today we're asking you to ask yourself an important question.

12:53What could I give up to make my life happier, calmer, easier? Most Americans are working longer hours than ever before, and when the time is scarce, even things that are supposed to be fun start to feel like obligations. Laura Berman, a Fort Gang, is a life coach and the author of this book, Take Yourself to the Top. Take Yourself to the Top. She says that most of us are living on adrenaline, and we need to learn to set boundaries before we crash hard. Is that true? That is true. We're just bouncing around. We're buzzing. Buzzing. Buzzing, buzzing. And we have no idea what we want anymore, really.

13:29Yeah. You're buzzing. That's what you were telling us, right? Exactly. You're buzzing. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. You're buzzing. And if I keep going, I still find the energy to keep going, even though I'm just so worn out. And you said it. At the end of the day, you crash. I crash. And that's what adrenaline is. Mm-hmm. If you're crashing at the end of the day, you are running on adrenaline all day long. Yeah. Anybody else feel like that here? Yeah. You do? Okay. And it's a drug. It is a drug. It is a drug. We use it to tell us we're great, we can do more, we can take on more. And it really desensitizes us to what's going to make us happy.

14:03Well, Kathy Leafball says that she comes from three generations of busy women. Busy, busy, busy, busy. She knows that she's overscheduled, but can't seem to find anything that she could give up. And Laura met with Kathy to identify some options. You know all the activities that you're involved with. I want to ask you, what needs do you think drive you to do so much? I have a problem with not being able to say no. Okay. Okay. I like to please other people. I like to feel like I'm making somebody else happy. So we want to look at things in two ways. Does this consume my life or does it enhance my life?

14:38Does it drain me and upset me and make me miserable or does it make me joyful and want to fly? Okay, that's how we want to look at things. There are times when, you know, one o 'clock in the morning and I'm still doing things, I'm like, oh, this is just nuts. This is not fun now. What happens when we keep saying yes and yes and yes is we actually get adrenalized. We get like, we're buzzing. You know, we have to go a million miles an hour to do everything, right? Right. So what happens is you're not even aware of what you're missing or what you're not saying yes or no to. Right. It's kind of like I feel like I can do better when I'm under stress.

15:14When we have so much activity, and you said you feel a little let down and, like, I function better under pressure. That's because usually because we're uncomfortable with nothingness. Yeah. What's in the nothingness that we don't want to be with? Well, I guess because I would say I don't feel like I'm needed. Yes. That's the driving need, okay? See, it took us a while, but we're getting to the gem and to the truth, okay? That when there's nothing to do, you don't feel like you're being needed, and there's a letdown and there's the need to add more to the plate. Well, that's pretty good to happen in that length of time.

16:00Yeah, would you say? Oh, definitely. Uh-huh. That was huge for Kathy to realize that the need to be needed was driving her to have a humongous schedule. And what did we find out? Your need to be needed could be met where? In other places. Five other places. Right at home. At home, church, where I want to be, and yet I feel like I'm being pulled other places that I'm not getting the total fulfillment. Okay. For every, everybody out there now who's thinking about this question, because this is what we're talking about today, what could you give up to make your life more comfortable, easier, happier, calmer.

16:34One of the things you say, the way to decide that, is what is it you complain about the most? Yeah. What are your complaints? What do people hear you talking about all the time? What are your husband's complaints about what you're doing all the time and your family? And your complaints are going to show you those things that you're putting up with and doing anyway. And then the next question is, what do we do about that? I ask people to look at what's the driving need? Why are you doing so many things that you don't need to be doing? Okay. So first you've got to identify the things that you complain about the most, and then ask yourself, why then do you feel the need to do it when you say you don't want to do it?

17:06Right. What am I getting out of it? Yeah. There's something you're getting out of it. And in Kathy's case, it was the need to be needed was being filled for her. Okay. But then we found if we prioritize the things that she wanted for her life, what does she really want? Okay. That's a key question that we keep asking on this show. That is it. What do you want? What do you want? So let's review what Kathy's obligations are. coordinates two kids' schedules. Mm-hmm. You do. You work part-time. Mm-hmm. You direct theater play. Mm-hmm. And you talk to your mother every day. Long distance. Long distance.

17:40Every day. Yes, I do. Okay. And you suggest what? That Kathy does what? Well, I said, Kathy, you've got to stop asking yourself the question, how do I have it all? How do I do it all? And start asking yourself, what do I really want? What do you really want? What was the answer to that question? Well, there were several things. I need to focus more on the health and welfare of my family. And yourself. And myself. I put things off. I don't take that priority to say, oh, gosh, I guess I need to go to the doctor and get medication. It's one of those things I put it off and put it off. I'll do that tomorrow.

18:12I'll do that the next day. Spending more time with my family instead of running them to swim practice and running them to soccer, actually having quality time, where we just sit down and talk. So you're going to give up what? I'm going to give up the play. I'm not going to direct the spring play. I'm going to give that up. You're going to give it up. I'm giving it up. Is that what you want to do? Yes, it is. Okay. That's terrific. Because you decided that what you really wanted was more time with your family. Right. And you can't have it if you're directing the play. Absolutely not. Right. And you're pleased with that decision?

18:42Well, definitely. Bridget Baker is another person who feels overloaded. Let's go over what Bridget is managing right now. You coordinate three kids' schedules. Yes. Yeah. Attend your daughter's volleyball She plays college volleyball, and we try to get travel to see her, and then we have to coordinate the other children's soccer schedule so they're not missing soccer for us to travel away to see her while she's playing. Works part-time, serves on five executive boards for charities. Yes. Why do you do that? I don't know. I would like that. My husband would like to know that. He thinks he's the only person I can say no to, is what he has told me.

19:18I understand. Yes. So, um... It's easier. When I had this as a disease, and I do think it is, We call it the disease to please, this disease to please. What I had as a disease, I could only say no to the people I knew really cared about me and would give me their support no matter what. But everybody else, Tom, Dick, and Joe, and Harry, and Sue, I was saying yes to. So your husband may be right in some ways. Bridget seems to be a prime example of somebody who's... Bridget was perfect in her example, really, because it is reversible. It's not a disease that's going to take years to eradicate just some practice.

19:51It took me 42 years, but it doesn't have to take that long. Not everyone's going to take that long. Right. And what we saw when we listed the five things that are most important to Bridget, what does she really want? Her real life compared to the ideal was completely opposite. So where charity and contribution was number five on her ideal list of things she wanted, it was number two in her real life. So we had to look at, you know, the things that she says she wants, is her real life reflecting that? And the answer was no. So what can you do now? What did you get? Oh, that's a good question to ask everybody out there.

20:22Okay, everybody. The things you say you want, is your real life reflecting that? That's the key. Once we get the list of what you want, once you figure that out, then you have to flip the page and say, does my life reflect what I say is important? Okay. That's the question we're all asking ourselves. I think the most important thing I got out of that was when we listed, you know, what should be important. And Laura forced me to put my own health and well-being first, which normally I wouldn't. That goes on everyone's list. It was last on my actual list. It was last on your actual list, your own health and well-being.

20:52Yeah. And the words that struck me the most, I think, talking to her were that you need to give from a full cup. So if my own cup is not full, I cannot give people everything that I need to give to them or would like to. I see you all nodding here, and I'm sure that people who are listening to us right now are hearing that. It makes little hairs on your head raise. It makes these go. Yeah, because listen, look at all the moms and dads out there who are just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving themselves and empty, and you can't give from an empty cup. No, that's why I call it the hero syndrome.

21:21A true hero gives when their cup is full, because there's so much to give. But we were so taught the opposite. We were so taught that if you don't give and give and give and give and give and give, then people aren't going to like you and think you're not a nice girl. I know. It's about being a good girl or not a good girl. And good girls and guys need to learn that service doesn't need to be servile, that sacrifice and service are not the same word. And we have some change to make in accepting that belief. Yeah, it's a paradigm shift here. So what do you suggest that Bridget needs to do? Give up.

21:54Oh, well, Bridget and I talked about giving up, and it was very hard. But she made a commitment to me that she would, instead of giving something up right away, she would stop saying yes to things. So I guess in essence... You don't need to be on five boards, Bridget. No, we did agree that I do need to serve. That is something that is within me that I'm raised with. So I just need to just take the level down, you know, that knowing that someone else can take responsibility and just do what's very important to me at a lower level. I don't need to be in charge of everything. You don't need to be charged of everything, Bridget.