347: Thanyia Moore on comedy, confidence, and neurodiversity

0:00Helen Thorn: Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

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1:19Ellie Gibson: Whose go is it? I can do it. okay that wasn't my question I like to I like order and like let's keep it let's keep it you know to the system

1:32Helen Thorn: okay this is like you know like the three bears is it yep in what way because you know like when she's like one's too big one's too small one's just right like so now you're calling us fat is that what you're saying wow no should I step out I can come back we've no we've decided to Open the marriage. Oh, okay. So, I haven't applied.

1:59Ellie Gibson: And we're off.

2:04Ellie Gibson: Hello, scumbags. This is the Scummy Mummies podcast. With your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne.

2:17Ellie Gibson: Yeah, okay. Yes. One of us should do something. Hey Helen, would you do the introduction please?

2:22Helen Thorn: Thank you for asking.

2:23Ellie Gibson: I mean, it doesn't matter whose turn it is. I'm not keeping count. I'm not a logbook. Fine, fine, fine.

2:28Helen Thorn: Okay, let's do it. Okay, ready. Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies podcast. It's me, Helen Thorne. And it's me, Ellie Gibson. Oh Ellie, I'm really excited. That's unusual. I know, I know. Because we've got one of our favourite guests slash friends slash comedians on the podcast today who has been with us literally from the very second we met everybody. everybody, she really needs no introduction. She's a legend. It is Tanya Moore. The crowd goes, wow. It's a hurry to be back as a scummy auntie.

3:00Ellie Gibson: Yes, you're very, very, very welcome. And as Helen says, you were there the night Helen and I met at our first, obviously we weren't a dub black man, but the night we first met at a gig. And did you think then these two mad old slags will still be doing this bullshit in 13 years? I didn't think we'd all ever, all three of us would be still doing anything.

3:23Ellie Gibson: So that was 13 years ago and lots has happened since then, Tanya. And we've all done, you know, individually and, you know, collectively.

3:32Helen Thorn: Look at us. Girls from Forest Hill done good. We've raised the bar. I mean, it was on the floor.

3:40Ellie Gibson: Very humble beginning. We've lowered our standards, but we've raised the bar on that. so can I ask how old are you Tanya I'm 43 excellent so you're still a bit yeah weird like I'm I'm I was 49 on Monday shut up I know you look great doesn't she look good I thought we were all the same age I came over here like oh mum me and the girls I feel I feel like you're ageless though you still look like me I'm black I'm cheating well I didn't want to say that Tanya but I'm glad that you have but so in how are you finding your 40s i love the 40s yeah i love the 40s um i don't like waking up and not realizing or not knowing why my leg is swollen but i love the 40s so it's a little adventure isn't it it is figuring out why you've got gout it's great yeah it's like waking up in an episode of columbo let's can we work backwards yeah how do we get here no i think it is they say in the 40s you don't give a shit and i don't think that's the truth i think you're on your way to not giving a shit i think the 50s is when you're really in the not give a shit era i think in your 40s the 20s is you thinking you're an adult and then you realize you're not then in your 30s you're like oh wait hold on i've got to get some stuff together i think 40s is the okay this is who i am let me get comfortable with her and then 50s you're just like everyone can just kick rocks right that's how I feel so that's what you're aiming that's your trajectory that's the plan I'm aiming for kick rocks yeah yeah stones but I'm in my I know who I am now and I'm just going to get used to her see how she feels yeah

5:16Helen Thorn: and I feel like women just get like hotter and hotter for a variety of reasons it's both I think you find you obviously you find your style

5:25Ellie Gibson: you find what are you talking about Tanya we should say for the listeners very glamorously wearing some knee high boots and a beautiful coloured shirt But you and I dress like 14 year old boys. Yeah. We're wearing like hoodies. I'm going to set the scene, guys. They've added the word glamorous. My boots are eight pounds from Tesco's. That cat from Tesco's has got some good stuff in that F &F. And my jacket's Tesco's. Oh, bless it. Yeah. I'm getting down there. Let's cut it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elmer's End. Get in there immediately. Oh, Elmer's End. Oh, well. It's a big one. Some of us are doing all right.

6:01Ellie Gibson: Marcus. Anyone can drive to Emma's end. I'm just in the Caterford one, which is just full of people screaming. Oh, do you know what? Caterford makes me scared sometimes. Why? Because it's full of mad people screaming. I want to see Fritz. I haven't seen him in a while. I haven't seen him for a while. I'm a bit worried about Fritz. Yeah. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes Caterford feel normal. He kissed my hand the last time I said, And you still have it. So you.

6:27Helen Thorn: Now, for a bit of background, Fritz is the local character who's also a traffic warden. Yep. General kind of vibe maker of Catford. Owner of the cat.

6:36Ellie Gibson: Yeah. He's a TikTok sensation because people have put him on TikTok. And he wants, yeah, he likes to sort of stand in the crossroads by the station and like make it safe for people to cross by stopping traffic. No one's asked him to do this. No. As far as I'm aware, no one's paying him to do it. No. But he's just there. He's a jolly soul. Especially when I used to have the babies in push chairs. He once did it for me. I was like, all right, Fritz. stop the traffic and there was a police car coming and he stopped the police car put both hands on the bonnet and then just raised the palm was like no and i could see the police going oh it's fritz yeah that's how much of a legend he is great for the pedestrians really bad for traffic yes but sorry i've way latest with talk of catford's fnf tesco's but we were talking about being in 40s do you think it's true that you get more confidence because you know i remember meeting you 13 years ago and one of the first things that struck me about you was your level of confidence and I remember you saying you hadn't been doing stand-up that long and being absolutely flabbergasted because so many people including me even in the first year get up there and go hello here are my jokes here is joke number one it's about supermarket checkout whereas you were just like and like you're amazing so have you have you found that's true for you um two two answers twofold a i uh have grown up on stage so i was never scared to go on stage and use a microphone i used to be a dancer i started doing drama at seven and so the getting on stage bit wasn't the nerve-wracking bit it was always am i going to be funny i also believe that if i tell you this is a thing you're gonna go with me so if i go on stage and act like this is so such a funny joke come with me guys you're gonna come with me i think that's a real thing i also too don't think uh i have a problem with the word confidence i've said this before um i think you either know who you are or you don't and then that comes off as confidence i know who i am i know what my my pluses are my negatives are i know my flaws are i know my insecurities are and in that i'm I'm okay.

8:51And so, yeah, people say you're so confident. No, I just know who I am, actually. And that's okay.

8:58Helen Thorn: Yeah, I think that's such a good insight because I think you can always almost pinpoint that change in your life when you know who you are. Yeah. You know your values. You know who your friends are. Yeah. And sometimes that comes from just doing the work, you know, slowly, slowly. But sometimes that comes from going through a big, shitty, fucking awful thing. Yeah. kind of oh oh it's like I sort of liken it to like the Wizard of Oz that you go from being in black and white to Technicolor you know I like that you kind of go oh that's who that person is that's who I am yeah and and I feel like that's it and I mean were there is has there been something in your life that's given you that or is that is it something that's come over time it's definitely over time i mean when we met i just knew that i was naturally funny yeah and in my mind the jokes sorry the jokes will come i can go on stage and be funny but then the craft of comedy is a different kettle of fish so whilst i can go on stage and be funny i wasn't to me a funny comedian at that time i'll just tell you being funny oh my god but i love i love that you know all of us started out in exactly the same place yeah like and and do your goalposts keep changing them because you know like you know for me like to do if ellie and i got the apollo that would be amazing yeah then then then you've said you've done arenas and things like that and i think that's the sort of wild ride that as a comedian you're like oh well oh i did that but then what's next like you you've got that sort of um trajectory well here's the thing i for me what's next is more acting um Okay, I really want to do Strictly Come Dancing.

10:44Helen Thorn: Let's put this out there. That's my goal. You'd be amazing. So that's why I've been posting on some dancing lately. I really want to do Strictly Come Dancing so badly. So that's number one. And then see what happens. I'm potentially going to do a tour in 2028. We're just deciding if that's the thing. I've never toured.

11:02Ellie Gibson: Right. Why not? Didn't want to be a comedian. I was like, that's what comics do.

11:08Helen Thorn: Yeah. And I was like, it's not really. I've done so much tour support and the comic always looks stressed. I'm like, why would I sign up for that? And then also everyone always says, your first tour, you're not going to make any money. Why would I sign up for that? Like none of it just sounded like something I wanted to do. Stressful and broke. I was like, I can do that from Catford. I don't need to do that up and down the country. What do you mean? I'm stressed at home and there's no money. I'm already on tour. Leave me alone. Yeah. it was just never i never gravitated to it but i think there's something powerful and i think there's something that that bleeds out if you are on tour and because when you're going on tour then you get to go on the panel shows and stuff because you've got you've got something to sell yeah when you've got nothing to sell there's no reason for them to put you on a show yeah so yes hopefully um what comes next is an action job i've got so many things I've got a sitcom with BBC Studios I've got amazing my last hour at Edinburgh turned into a film that's a production company you've got shit going on Tanya but you know how this goes that means nothing no no no it could also end up in the bin do you know what I mean that's so very true I try not to make it a thing it's just I am doing all the things I'm supposed to do which I haven't toured yet so I'm going to try and tour and see if that pushes anything forward

12:27Ellie Gibson: well come back on and plug it yeah there you go as soon as I confirm it I'll be back amazing yeah but I wanted to get back to Tanya yeah let's go inside Tanya that sounds weird hello sorry I've been in there for years

12:43Helen Thorn: I'll go and see you handy handy it's vacant and it's cobwebby

12:46Ellie Gibson: yeah because when you turn up at my house today to record the podcast and this is one of the things I've always loved about you I was like how are you and most people go yeah I'm alright yeah I'm going to Tenerife next week or whatever it is and you're like yeah I'm alright I've been on like a a journey of discovery. I was like, here we go. Yes. No fucking small talk. See, we have got a similar brain. Sorry. No, because I'm like that, Tanya. And I say, I don't like talking about fucking secondary schools and house prices. I want to know what's going on in people's brains. The real stuff. Yeah.

13:19Ellie Gibson: The real shit. So, and then, like you are fine compelled to put all my shit on the table whether people want to know about it or not. Yeah. And just go, this is, also when you feel safe to do that, that's when it really falls out. Right. So I'm safe here. So I was like, oh, I can just tell you the truth. This is how I feel. Yeah. And then I asked you if you wouldn't mind talking about that on the podcast. And you said, yes, I'm just making it clear that I'm a good person. Not just ambushing you. Sorry, can you just move that gun?

13:50Ellie Gibson: I will remove the cable ties. Sure. But tell us about this journey that you've been on. So I'm like every other comedian. I'm late diagnosed with ADHD and autism. And I think it makes sense. As we were going through with the doctor, I think it makes sense. But what it's done is allow me to appreciate me and not be so hard on myself anymore. Not try and do things that my brain just doesn't want me to do. Yeah. My body doesn't want me to do. sometimes you know I don't want to turn up on time sometimes I do sometimes I don't want to tell you the truth sometimes I do sometimes just I don't know it's just I'm just trying to appreciate me in all of my meanness and not be so mean to myself anymore also set boundaries for people who don't work for me so I what's been really sad actually is recognizing that some of

14:49Helen Thorn: my friends you just don't work for me babe how you operate just doesn't work for my brain and I've been quiet about it thinking that it was me being hard on you and I'm not being hard to either of us just the way you operate just doesn't work for me

15:05Ellie Gibson: what do you mean by operate? do you mean in terms of interacting with them or arranging people? yeah interacting with them and the way that you would do things and the way that you see life and the way that you speak just doesn't work for me it doesn't and whereas before I would have brought it up in a way that would be soft and joking and again I'd make I'd make it a me issue um I don't think it's an issue for either of us I just

15:29Helen Thorn: think we just don't work together and that's okay yeah and I something that struck me in the last couple of years is that someone said check in with yourself how you feel after being with that person yes and I think that's such a for me that was like you know when you've been with someone and you're like I've just seen my friend and you feel like skipping down the street your your cup is full yeah and you're like oh my god we shared something i learned something more about her i'm so excited about what she's doing next she's excited she asked me questions yeah and then you go oh that's great and you you feel energized by that person and there's other people you're like oh god that was really hard and oh you know you you feel reluctant to catch up with them you you prepare yourself yeah like i i think oh god i've got to be in a certain you know like hold myself together for that person and then afterwards i'll be down like did i say the right thing did i offend like you know and then other people it's easy it's easy yeah and that's what i've stopped doing now just doing things that actually my body is telling before i leave the house that i don't want to come yeah you know you start to your belly starts to go yeah your pelvis starts to go you get i get like these um goosebumps my body is telling me even when you call my phone my body is telling me that I don't want to be around you or talk to you.

16:50But here I am doing it anyway. And so I learned that I'm allowed to say, yeah, you don't work for me, babe. I think you're great. And maybe every now and again we'll go for a drink because I'll be able to stomach you for those two hours, right? But actually, you don't work for me, pub. No. That feels so freeing and nice for me because I've spent a lot of time scolding myself for things that I actually can't fix.

17:20Helen Thorn: Yeah. That's it. You know, my brain isn't wired that way. I don't think that way. I don't do those things. And so, yeah, just that's it.

17:30Ellie Gibson: So, and it took you three years. Yes. To get, yeah. Signed up in May, 2023. And I had to fight to even get on the list because this government, they're just so hard. Basically I went into the doctor And I said I would like to sign up because You know I think I might be Somewhere on the spectrum And he said in order for you to be Signed up you have to have had somewhere In your childhood where Your mum took you to the doctors and said I think my child's struggling with something

18:04Helen Thorn: Really? Which we all know Back in the day people of colour wouldn't have done Because they would have held us back And thrown us on a blue bus and done all the other stuff So you set the system up so we still can't better ourselves because you just want us to look at like angry animals that you sell right so I sat there and he said that to me and I said babe but you do know because it was an Asian man I said you know the history that if we had done that back in the day we would have been held back at school we'd have been thrown on the blue bus would have been told that we were stupid so our parents didn't do that so there's no history of that and that's why we had so many undiagnosed adults walking around who sometimes react to things unnecessarily intensely and the government will say look at them behaving like an animal we're not animals which is undiagnosed and so here i am trying to better myself and you're still giving me a stumbling block i said what you need to do is put me on that list because otherwise it turns into a race issue and we only talk about race then i'm just trying to fix my mental health and so he sat there and said give me five minutes and you put me on the list but what's sad is if somebody else doesn't have the way of order to say that to them they're still going to be walking around unagnosed so that's quite sad yeah so I got put on the list and every six months I'll get an email telling me that I'm still on the list and then I got an email saying that because it is so packed they're outsourcing it to private doctors and then I finally got an appointment and I had it It made this year.

19:32Ellie Gibson: Yeah. So was it, when you got the diagnosis, was it a feeling of relief or surprise? Or was it, you know, how did you feel? My first emotion was sadness, actually. I was just sad for younger me. Yeah. She, I even get sad. I'm sad now. I'm sad now. I know. Why are you making us all sad? I thought you were a comedian. I'm inviting you on to be funny. We're being mis-souled. I lied

20:08she was roughing it out boy I always say she was raw dog in life and whilst I knew my emotions were valid they were never valid to anybody else and that's the bit that was really hard and it's still not valid because even now when I tell people they say no you're not you're fine just told you that I'm not but they don't want to receive that because they're like, no, you're so strong. You're so this. Or, or, or, just take what I just said. Yeah, listen. And listen to me. And I struggle with that still because people still don't want to receive. It literally just happened to me on Tuesday. And that person was like, no way.

20:49I was like, well, for me, it makes sense for some of my behaviour. And then he said, no, no, you're fine, man. You're fine. Just told you I'm not fine. I literally just delivered that news 10 seconds ago. And I told you that it's like legal. And I got a certificate if you want it. I got a badge. I got a badge. I got a hat. I got a hat. I got a wand. I got a wonky shoe. I've got a meeting now to get all the other ones. Do you know what I mean? But yeah, it's really hard because some people don't even want to accept that.

21:22Helen Thorn: That's a really, really good insight because you're right about receiving that. because I think it's so hard to even get, as you said, it's so hard to even get the diagnosis. And the next hard bit is saying it out loud. Yeah. And, you know, when you're sensitive, bracing yourself for that reaction because your brain already goes, oh, they're going to think of me differently or how will it land? And that's stressful in itself because you're sort of, it's that anticipation as well. God, that's really hard. but what have been some of the real positives then for you because I know there's been yeah I just love me more that's so beautiful I think I'm a legend what going through this life yeah knowing that your brain is a little bit wonky and not being able to understand it but still managing to get by and get through oh and do all the amazing things you have right yeah well done me and stage and also the light that you give yeah because that has an impact on people like people will remember you yeah And that is such a brilliant gift to everyone else I think we're really lucky in the job that we do That we stand on stage And we don't know what other people have brought to the room But you can bring people from different walks of life And bring them together And make them laugh all together That's a beautiful thing Some of us think this is a wild statement But I think we are medicine Because people underestimate the medicine of laughter And the medicine of joy that we bring So when you go on tour and you've got these rooms full of, you know, people and they've come in and when they leave, they're so happy.

23:00That's medicine. That's underrated medicine. For those few moments, they can forget everything and just be in the space with you guys having a good time. I do believe we are. I think comics admit we're the real doctors. That's why I say that.

23:15Ellie Gibson: Yes, that's right. Fuck the NHS. Yeah. We're not Googling your symptoms in front of you and writing our prescription. What we're doing is we are making you feel better instantly.

23:25Helen Thorn: Yeah. I think I think I think laughter and I think exercise yes to underrated yeah and which we you know all of us uh do both value those things yeah because you know and and then the two things that helped me you know from going crazy basically literally running out the street screaming yes even why I teach step so I found this company um online and they do all these different like step classes and stuff and I went down there and they just weren't serving me because they were just so slow so i messaged the guy and i was like look can i just have my own class i'll teach it please i just want my class yeah so i could teach step the way i need it to be taught and the way i needed to enjoy it and then he gave it to me and so now i get to do that yeah i'm crappy i'm telling you i pay for nothing yeah and i and i and i give laughter and that's that's i feel good about that yeah yeah absolutely but i think that's that magic medicine and a bit like you say about getting into your 40s going no i need to do that thing and i'm going to have a bit of that i'm going to have a bit of that yeah and i'm going to hang out with that friend yeah you know and i think it's sort of it's like the filtering down the filtering down in your 40s which is really figuring out who you are and what makes you so happy i think especially as self-employed people we have the ability to make most of our days joyful because we choose who we're working with where we're working when we're working how we're working so why would anything be stressful that means you're not doing it right right yeah that's the point of being the only point that you hate about being self-employed is having to do with your national insurance and tax tax is an arsehole yeah yeah yeah outside of

25:02Ellie Gibson: that bit yeah for me i think for me yeah that is what the 40s has been about because i have not always but i think for a long time i've been quite confident and i had to be been in video games when i back in the day when i was the only girl in the room 99 of the time I mean, you're just, a bit like doing stand-up. You just have to naturally build it. It just naturally happens, right? Yeah. If you're predisposed anyway.

25:25Helen Thorn: Do you think that's where you grew your penis? Hey! I didn't want to bring it up because it's bulging. It's fucking big. It's massive. I know. It's girthy.

25:34Ellie Gibson: Yeah. Yeah, you can't. It's right, ladies. We both have eyes, Ellis. They're not made of wood. They're not made of wood. Now you can't. It's right. You can have a go on it later. I'll sort you out.

25:51Helen Thorn: We're all pregnant now. Hey, let's go. Yeah. Now I am a scummy mummy.

26:00Ellie Gibson: But I think for me, it is confidence, but not confidence in the way that we understand the word to mean, you know, being a bit of a show off or just having, but in the sense of having the confidence to know what I like and what I don't like. And the confidence to say, I don't want to do that. or to know that I'm like, like we were invited to something yesterday and I was like, I'm good now at going, but how am I actually going to feel on that day? Yes. And look at what I've done the day before and the night before and what I've got to do the next day. Yes. But on the day, Ellie, are you actually going to be excited about that and happy?

26:34Ellie Gibson: Or are you going to be like, oh, fucking hell, I'm fucking tired. Yes. And then going, it's okay to go, yeah, no. And I learned this from a friend of mine. He's really good at just going, I'm sorry, I can't make that. Or you don't have to say, I've got a dentist appointment or I've got this other thing. Oh, I wish I could or I apologise. You can just go, oh, I can't make that event. Yeah. And guess what? No one interrogates you or goes, how dare you? You must justify your behaviour and your decisions. Yes, yeah. And that's made me feel more. I think sometimes they respect you more because everyone knows where they stand now because if you take the invite and let's say it's like a dinner.

27:11Helen Thorn: Yeah. You're taking a seat. If you cancel on a day, that makes you the worst person. than if you just said up front. No. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Someone else could have gone. Something else could have happened. They could have saved that. Like something else. I just think everyone feels better when they know where they stand. Yeah. And so if it's not me coming to your event, if it's not me, just say it. Yeah. It's just easier. Yeah. I don't dislike you. I actually respect you more because you just, I can trust that when I talk to you now, I'm going to hear the truth. Yes. Yeah.

27:43Ellie Gibson: We have one of our favourite catchphrases that we say to each catchphrase makes it sound like we're like you know on cbb's like mr tumble no yeah and that we things that we say to each other is come don't come you know when you invite someone something or it's a few days before the thing and they're like oh just yeah you know i might not be able to make it or so but i might be able to but the babysitter and the dog and if the neighbor and maybe but i'm hoping i can and we're just like come don't come babes yeah i'm not i'm not sitting here worrying about it yeah you can come or not come but just and let's be honest actually you ain't coming no no no no because you're you're what you're doing is you're super nanny and me yeah into the not coming yeah so you know like when you're in a part of the kid you're like you've got half an hour you've got 20 minutes you've started three days i might not be able to come oh it's it's looking a little bit difficult uh oh no i think i'm baby just shut up yeah yeah i'm gonna be there yeah i'm gonna have a good time yeah and have the respect for me to know that i'm okay with that i'm okay yeah you saying i'm not coming i'm gonna get over that yeah other people are available it's all gonna be okay yeah my one invite yeah yeah yeah yeah

28:58Helen Thorn: yes exactly exactly and that yeah it's but also there's that um culture now where you know if you if you've got an event or whatever and people just don't turn up or they do you know that's the it's such a waste of everyone's fucking time yeah and that's what i resent because we're all really time poor now that's what it is as well and that's why i get like oh just no i don't want 16 text messages either oh just or just the thought of like are they coming or not coming okay so tell me this is a good or bad thing okay if you invite me somewhere and i genuinely think i can come and then on the day it turns out i can't i don't message you that day i message you tomorrow yeah because in my mind on the day you're busy the last thing you need is my i can't come text and i think you don't care if i can't come either because there's a whole room of people that are going to be there but tomorrow i'll explain why i wasn't there controversially tanya i'm going to

29:50Ellie Gibson: disagree oh go for it oh yes let me hear it i would prefer that you let me know okay so then i'm not spending the whole night because something not the whole night but especially if multiple people do that yeah when you're and you're going oh i thought she was coming i thought she was coming i thought she was coming i'd rather you were honest if i'm really as i would prefer and maybe this is because i'm 49 and old uh i would prefer a phone call oh i think on the day yeah i think i can always not answer yes busy um and that's fine and then you can send a text going oh i was just trying to ring to explain i can't come i'm really sorry and that to me shows that you've made effort and you have thought about me and you are brave enough to sort of and have the respect of going yeah i can't come and i'm really sorry i wish you well that but maybe that is me no no because i i always see it as i'm just going to be interrupting your day and let's say you've got a birthday party and there's like a hundred of us coming even if there's 10 of us or 20 of us i just think why would i interrupt their day with bad news I'll just tell them tomorrow and I'll explain myself tomorrow.

30:59Helen Thorn: I get both sides. Yes, and I can see where you're coming from because you're going from that perspective, like they've already got a lot on. Yeah, so I don't want to inconvenience you with negativity. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. But if you are a person that likes to know where all the moving parts, then the part that's not moving will become bigger and again if there's 10 people

31:28Ellie Gibson: doing that, so if you're doing a speech or a cake or something and you're like oh and I'll wait for those 10 people to turn up and then they just don't to my brain that is like you know that's annoying but this is the thing well if you're listening to those of you I'm sorry I thought I was doing the right thing I'm very very sorry this goes back to the point that all our brains are different and all our expectations are different and all our values are different and for me the trick is being understanding of that and understanding that maybe not everyone in the world does think like me or experience something or have the same moral code, I can't pretend that doesn't piss me off sometimes but maybe I have to get better at accepting it

32:15Helen Thorn: yeah and I think what's really great in the time we are now is that we can have these conversations and it's not just an immediate oh well that person's dead to me you're like oh actually that this is where they're coming from and i've listened to that and you're like oh yeah that makes total sense and that's the reasoning and that's where they've come from absolutely and two things can be true you can't be annoyed by it and understand it at the same time yes absolutely and that's and that's okay and i'll say and and and also feeling safe enough to say it and go oh yeah all right maybe i'll do things yeah differently and it's and it and i think and I think that's the real difference between, you know, a lot of people is that if someone says to you, like, oh, maybe next time do that.

32:55Helen Thorn: And they go, oh, I've listened to you. Thank you. Yeah. Or someone go, oh, no, fuck you. I'm just going. Yeah. It's like, it's hard to navigate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Everyone thinks differently. So. Yeah. And I think that's, I think that's what makes, like, especially female friendships, which we, as we all know, are the best of the, of the friendship. Yes. Richer and more secure. because sometimes when you have like bits of you know misunderstandings or whatever then you go oh well how did you feel then and how that and then you can build on that and go from there yeah communication is the best thing right totally yeah i just i've learned something new guys i thought i was being mature clearly not but i think maybe i'm just too mature maybe i'm just old like who's really you are you like extra mature cheddar you're the purple one we're like we're like yeah we're like cathedral yes we're just yeah yeah we're just we're still she's more sharp and crumbling we've got we've got more crumbles to go yeah

33:54Ellie Gibson: you two are fucking mini baby bells I was gonna say she's on her way to blue cheese that's what she so mature so mature so mature like a really stinks really oozy camembert yeah that's it I don't know I just yeah no and no you're saying though But if someone didn't, if someone did, all I'm saying is if someone did ring me up, I would have, I'd be grateful and be less irritated. Yeah. And if someone just sent me a text or just didn't turn up, I would be annoyed. But it wouldn't mean that I'd be like, oh, well, I'm fucking writing that person off.

34:27Helen Thorn: No, because you don't, as we say, you never know what's going on.

34:31Ellie Gibson: That's so true.

34:32Helen Thorn: Behind, you know.

34:33Ellie Gibson: Everyone's fighting a battle you can't see. Yes, exactly. Oh, I'm actually going to throw up. I said that to a friend. my friend was going through this really awful divorce with this really awful person and they were like moaning about it in the group chat and this person had behaved appallingly and like i just went hey everyone's fighting about all you know nothing about and they were so like i did it on purpose to wind up actually cry it made us laugh so hard yeah it was oh my god i actually cried here oh my god but anyway yes well i like that i feel like you know we've shared some wisdom yeah yeah

35:12Helen Thorn: and I think I think we're all what's really nice is that you just own your own shit yeah and and and sort of as you know as you said like know who you are and I think that that's the real gift of it and it's not about saying this is the only way you're just just feeling comfortable in your own in your own way and recognising that I've got my way and everyone's got their way that's okay yeah yeah yeah whereas before my diagnosis I would just think your way is wrong whereas now I'm like oh okay that's the title of your next show your way is wrong yes you're doing it all right you're doing it all wrong you're shithead I want to come to a show that you do called that because that is highly watchable yeah I want you to host a show called

36:01Ellie Gibson: like modern manners where we like a panel and you give us dilemmas like that Tanya about what is the correct way to handle it. Oh, that's a good idea. I think that would be really funny. Do you send the text or make a phone call or do you not? And there'll definitely be people like, make a phone call, it's not 1889.

36:21Helen Thorn: Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

36:57Helen Thorn: You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. that's growtherapy.com slash a cast growtherapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan yeah now we are going to finish of course with scummy mummy confessions

37:44Ellie Gibson: and i know tanya you're a scummy auntie yes i am out you because you did a post i think was it this year which i loved just going like i think you've been told off for treating your niece or something or buying a sweet. And you would decide, no, I'm the auntie. It's not my job to monitor the sugar. It's my job, actually, to be this person. I'm fun,

38:02Helen Thorn: and then I hand it back, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And if there's a couple of teeth missing, so be it. Yeah. It's not my business, it's not my kid. Yeah. If you can't sleep till two because it's wired, fine. Oh, well, make a coffee. Yeah. I did the childcare, I make the rules. Yeah. Yeah. What have I done that's naughty? Oh, my God. Well thankfully my sister doesn't listen to anything I do So my niece wanted to do some extra studying And my sister was like Look you've got all the things that you need But I just felt like she didn't have all the things that she needed So I, my, basically non-social My niece has an iPad that no one else knows she has Just me and her Oh, Auntie Tanya She needed it also as a result she gets 98 97 % in all of her tests oh she's smashing it so I did the right thing but we've got this secret

39:03Ellie Gibson: oh my god I love that so where is the secret is it at your house she's got my mum's under her bed in her room at her mum's where she lives at your mum's house so when she goes around to grandma's she's at grandma's a lot yeah I bet she is and you do all that study there this is where I like yeah oh wow well I've got some news for you your sister's actually here tonight no

39:30yeah

39:31Ellie Gibson: I love that so that's that's yeah yeah wow that's pretty scummy that's good yeah definitely definitely I'm going to give you another one just in case oh please please please yeah so my niece and nephew have they have on their I'm on their devices they're only living it for a certain amount of hours but I've got the password oh I just think Extended.

39:53Helen Thorn: You are the best. I think I fucking love you. They do. Oh, my God. You're like their fucking screen dealer. Honestly. Amazing. Amazing. So I just mixed them the time. They're like, Auntie, it's gone off again. And I'm like, let's just talk about. Yeah, don't worry. And then my sister will call me and be like, what are you doing? I don't know what happened. We're just playing cards. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. I thought you changed the password. Oh, you're amazing. Great. Everyone needs an Auntie Tanya. Absolutely. I need an Auntie Tanya. Yeah, exactly. I need an Auntie Tanya.

40:26Helen Thorn: Someone pay my bills. I need a Kindle for my study if you could just pay me that. Yeah. Backy. Or like another device that no one knows about. Yeah. That's my confession.

40:38Ellie Gibson: Well, my confession is just this morning. So one of my sons is, and Helen knows this very well, quite prone to drama, isn't he? He likes a dramatic statement. he likes to exaggerate makes them sound dishonest but he likes to amp up the significance of things and last night my mum looked after the kids while we had a gig and it's been quite a big week we had a show last night in Guildford we did cultures the night before we come home in between I've seen them in the mornings but it's a lot yeah and then I was out on Tuesday night and Monday night we'd all gone out as a family for my birthday so anyway we've it's been but it's been a big old week so my mum rings me up this morning she's like I just I need to talk to you about him i'm really worried and i was like oh why what's up mum and she went well he says he hasn't had a conversation with you for two months fucking hell my wow mum mum mum mum i i promise you i've had a conversation with my son in the last two months i talked to him on monday night at the family dinner for example i talked to him at the pumpkin patch picking outing the other week i I talked to him on a literally daily basis.

41:45Ellie Gibson: We all have dinner together. Sorry, I'm just picking my mouth off the floor. Excuse me?

41:53Helen Thorn: What?

41:53Ellie Gibson: I was like, that's not the case. And he is also neurodiverse and he has an issue with time sometimes. What I think was happening, we have been out a lot more than usual. And I'm not, and I said this, I'm not discrediting his feelings. he feels like he hasn't had a proper chat with me for a while and that's true but a while can mean a few days or in his head it can mean two months and two months is an inaccurate representation of what the truth is

42:27also I can't relate to your son I always get stuff like that wrong

42:33Ellie Gibson: yeah it's like yeah he's forgotten the big chat we had when we went to the comic book shop talk to your son Ellie Don't feel fun. But of course it rings an alarm bell, doesn't it? Yeah. And you have to sense check it and go, and I'm not going to just ignore it. I sit down tonight and go, look, obviously you've been feeling like this and I'm not going to go to him, too fucking, you told my mum, too fucking mum. I love that kids grass on your mum to you, about their mum. Oh, absolutely. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's such grass. I'm going to tell your mum. Yeah. There's such a grassy thing to do.

43:04Oh, it's pretty.

43:05Ellie Gibson: And I do love, and I said this to my mum, I said, I'm really grateful that you've told me and I would have done exactly the same thing. And thank you for, you know, policing this because I've been grassed up. Honestly. But so that's my confession. It's yours, Hannah. Yeah.

43:21Helen Thorn: Oh, I'm always so fart related. I'm just so extra farty at the moment. The other day we had had a birthday lunch in the Cotswolds for Ellie's birthday. Delightful. And it was lovely. But a lot of rich food. a lot of rich food and and I my body obviously didn't handle it very well because I dropped the worst fart on stage the worst fart oh oh and it was so bad I'm so embarrassed I don't think you are you look you look happy I don't know I don't know it was so embarrassing I think you enjoyed it I didn't because I could smell it but I went to one side of the stage like I went and dropped my gut like off stage to the side but it came back it came back and then went it came back is a crazy sentence

44:18Ellie Gibson: have you seen the horror film The Fog? yes it came back like how did it go that far I don't know and the intensity it was like soup so it was during this bit of the show where we do like a medley of like little bits of songs about the menopause right and we change costume for each song and we've got these little sort of screens that we go behind to change and so it was as we were going both going behind the screens to put the costumes on that i got i can only describe as a brown lungful oh and it was so disgusting that i i started retching behind the screen while putting my dress up and just go and i looked over at you and you were like and i was like you fuck it oh fuck it oh my god and then i had to go out and go and then like just go back behind the screen you didn't tell the audience

45:08Helen Thorn: no what is someone in the front row we were singing who's the singing medley oh okay right but between songs you just went oh god I was like sorry sorry but I'm sure the front row would have smelt it as well I was thinking that is there someone from the front row who's like I'm never going back to that theatre but they must have thought

45:29Ellie Gibson: it was just someone else in the crowd yeah they wouldn't understand it travels it's like that fucking did you have in australia no way did you have adverts for the bistro kids can we not can we not overlook that she said that's what i'm hoping i'm hoping somebody else got the blame for this

45:49Helen Thorn: so bad i wouldn't want that to come from my body but yet it did um but i whatever we ate that day which was a delicious pie and chicken it wasn't alive it was really it did not agree with me so So anyway, apologies to Ellie and or possibly half the theatre of that night. Thank you. And the person who's currently being blamed.

46:12Ellie Gibson: Yes. Mel. That's all right. I'd have felt better if you'd actually rung me up to apologise. I am screaming.

46:20Helen Thorn: Well, we've all learnt something today.

46:25Ellie Gibson: That text the next day, that was not good enough. No, no.

46:30Helen Thorn: Sad face, kiss, kiss. I've learnt. I've learnt.

46:33Ellie Gibson: I'm so sorry I'm glad I brought it up because at least then I can now navigate how to handle these things no I think you should sense check it with other probably younger people yes because people

46:44Helen Thorn: will go no fuck off I'll answer the younger people I don't really care about their thoughts also I wouldn't be attending anything they invite me to so it is always somebody of age

46:54Ellie Gibson: a mature person

46:55Helen Thorn: an extra mature person

46:57Ellie Gibson: excellent well thank god you turned up today otherwise what a state we'd all be in we'd be sitting here twiddling our fucking thumbs going and i'll be like so guys about yesterday we were wondering yeah yes amazing scenes oh my god well thank you so much lovely thank you for coming always a joy for me no i feel like my cup is full like you know i will

47:19Helen Thorn: i will skip down the road you know when you're like oh because i was always we were we were so excited when you replied to our text we're like she's coming on the podcast we love her uh and Yes. So I'm sure you'll all feel that way when you see Tanya live. And you've probably got some upcoming gigs you can plug. Yeah, I mean, just come and see me. I'm normally at a comedy store or one of the Soho houses because I just think anywhere else is treacherous.

47:44Ellie Gibson: So just follow me on Instagram. I fucking love that, though. I love that. You're at a point in your career where you can just go, I just do the comedy store or Soho house. Yes. I fucking love that. I'm also in Anglia. In the Anglia. There's an Anglia comedy. he does he does great gigs they run on time he plays on time it's lovely to be around him I just do like a handful of gigs I just think self-employed it's supposed to be fun yeah yeah so awesome it's amazing and where can people follow you for your amazing dancing skills oh on Instagram is the best place just my name Tanya Moore and yeah don't don't go to my website and look for dates I don't update that I just told you I've just been diagnosed calm down I can't do all the things it's 2026 honestly I literally have to go home now my wash pile is taller than me I understand

48:36Helen Thorn: I understand do you know what I mean yes I do I've got loads to do yeah yeah I can't be funny and domestic no are you alright exactly am I a witch no just a normal lady do you know what I mean just a normal lady but yeah please do follow if you like fitness come to my class on Mondays in South Coyton otherwise yeah excellent

48:58Ellie Gibson: alright well thank you Tanya and thank you so much for listening until next time bye bye bye

49:14Ellie Gibson: oh by the way listener I don't know this is very on brand don't know if you can hear that right but regular listeners might know that I've got a lovely friend slash handyman Handy Andy. Andy is his actual name and he is Handy but it's obviously not the Handy Andy. And what I seem to like to do is employ him on days when I'm recording something or trying to break a world record. So previously when I did my Guinness World Record he had to come around, I forgot I booked him and he had to take out a shelf in the front room while I played Powerwall Simulator and now he's just doing some drilling while we record this podcast.

49:48Ellie Gibson: But I think it's ambience. I think I'm too immature for Handy Andy and drilling.

49:53Helen Thorn: Yeah. we should have done a good sound