World Leading Therapist: 3 Steps To Stop Feeling Not Good Enough - Marisa Peer

0:00Marisa Peer: We all have brilliant brains, we just have no idea how to operate them. Words are the thread on which you string your every experience. We often use terrible words and we have terrible experiences. If we live our lives without changing these limiting beliefs, what would be the real life consequences? Marisa Peer is the world's most renowned celebrity therapist, a best-selling author and the creator of rapid transformational therapy. She's spent decades helping Hollywood stars, CEOs, and elite athletes unlock their potential and transform their lives. What you're doing is you're living your life by a belief that isn't even true.

0:35What you're saying is that we all have the ability to change how we see life, how we see ourselves, and our future.

0:42Marisa Peer: The mind likes very positive words. If you give yourself a good title, I'm the queen of, I'm the goat, I'm the prince of, I'm the king, it's really inspiring to your brain. One of the rules of the mind is it... How do limiting beliefs show up in our ability to love, find love? We all want to be loved. Who here doesn't want love? But there's only one thing you need to do to find love, and it's...

1:15Marisa, how would you introduce yourself and your work?

1:19Marisa Peer: Well, I have so many different things I do. I would say I'm a therapist initially. I'm a therapist who created my own brand of therapy to improve therapy. I'm also a writer. I speak all over the world. So a therapist, a speaker, a writer. What did they do to become a therapist, a speaker, and a writer? My father was a head teacher, and I noticed that he was very, very fulfilled. My mother was very unfulfilled. So very early on, they had a very unhappy marriage. And, you know, children learn what they live. And I looked at this dynamic, and I remember thinking, if you have a great job that fulfills you it takes away the pain of an unhappy marriage so I was kind of worrying myself to have an unhappy relationship and a great career and that's exactly what happened but I saw my father was deeply deeply fulfilled so I always wanted a career that fulfilled me and I thought I'll be a teacher like him and I went to train to be a teacher and thought no I'll be a child psychologist went to train for that I thought oh no ended up working for Jane Fonda which was much more fun than being a teacher or a child psychologist.

2:21Marisa Peer: You know, being a teacher is a very noble thing to do. And almost by mistake, I found hypnotherapy and thought, that's it. And it was so compelling for me to train in hypnotherapy. So I did that for years and years. I loved it. And at one stage, I was on a television show in England and America called Severy Fit Club. It was a dual show. And I had a dual audience. I thought, oh, I should really write a book. I've got this dual audience. So I wrote my first book. I'm just writing my eighth now. So that's why I became a writer. People would write to me and say, hey, I love your book. You know, your book changed my life.

2:53Marisa Peer: Your book helped me. Your book gave me such great advice. And I thought, well, I've only got one book in me, but then I found another and another. Because, of course, one of the great things about your potential is, as you move to it, it expands and expands again. So when my agent said, where's your second book? I'm like, oh, no, I've only got one book in me. It's so stupid. Sit down and write another one. And I love that because it's true. is you move to your potential and reach it. It moves and it moves and you can never know what your potential is because it's constantly expanding. So then I wrote books.

3:23Marisa Peer: And then I became a speaker who would ask me to speak and I kind of loved that. But we would ring up and go, hey, you know what, your therapy, I love it. I've heard about it. I live in Atlanta or Sydney or New York. Where can I find you? And I was like, well, there's only one of me. So then I began to train therapists and I've now trained almost 20 ,000. So it's pretty cool. I teach therapists. I write books, I speak, and I still see clients. And I'm so lucky because I love what I do so much. I actually feel like I've never worked a day in my entire life, although I actually work very hard. You know, writing books is quite solitary.

3:58Marisa Peer: But it's interesting that you think you're going there because my dad wanted to be a teacher. I was like, oh, no. But now, of course, I am a teacher. I teach therapists, and I teach a lot in the school system, working on children's mental health. So I was going over there. I kind of went over there. but now I've come back over there and it's quite nice. What type, what kind of therapist are you? What are the type of problems that you help people with? Well, I have my own brand of therapy called RTT. RTT means rapid transformational therapy. So I use hypnosis and NLP and neuroplasticity and neuropsychology to understand what's wrong with people and to change them like that.

4:40Marisa Peer: That's, you know, the old belief is, well, go to therapy and build a relationship with a therapist. And over time, you probably get better. But I never understood that model because if you're in pain, don't you want to come out of pain straight? If I went to the dentist and said, hey, my tooth's falling out, it wouldn't say, well, sit down. My notebook out, we're going to have a relationship. So if you go to ER or the dentist or the chiropractor, they take you out of pain. That is their motivation. Therapy says, bring me your pain. and over time will improve. But my clients were in so much pain.

5:14Marisa Peer: The pain of, you know, I get migraine headaches because I'm tense. I have irritable bowel because I'm stressed. My skin breaks out because I'm anxious. So physical pains, but also the pain of, I can't find love. I self-sabotage. I procrastinate. I can't go forward in my career because I'm so terrified of being judged. So that was very painful. So I created a method that took clients out of pain very quickly and they really like it. Before we deep dive into the RTT, I'd like to walk through the self-limiting beliefs that we all have because when I was preparing for this interview, that term came across multiple times within your background.

5:53So what are self-limiting beliefs in simple terms?

5:57Marisa Peer: Well, the biggest one I see and I would say more than 80 % of my clients have it is I'm not enough. I'm not worthy enough. I'm not good enough. I mean, there's so many ways to not feel enough. I'm not qualified. I'm not attractive enough. I'm not interesting enough. So not enough is massive. And then underneath that is another belief. I'm different, so I can't connect. And that becomes the bane of our lives. We used to be tribal people. We're all the same, and now we're not. So being different is pretty horrible for people to go through. and of course if you're being judged what if I do this and I fail or it doesn't work so we have self-limiting beliefs you can also call them blocking thoughts or you can call them negative programming that you picked up in your childhood but they get in your way as I'm going over there but there's this belief that's a wall I just can't get past it and so many people hold back they go yeah I could have done that I should have done that I would have done that but But this fear of being rejected, you see, the fear of being rejected is so powerful because 100 years ago it would kill you.

7:03Marisa Peer: If you read Romeo and Juliet, when they banished him, he said, I'd rather die, frankly. There's nothing outside these city walls but purgatory. So we are hardwired to fear rejection. If you watch Game of Thrones, did you ever watch that? Yeah. Well, then you learn one thing. Survival was based on one thing. How big a tribe do you belong to? If you were on your own, you just couldn't survive. There was no way. And even if you were two people, you couldn't survive. You had to belong to a tribe. You live in a ward city where they shut the door at night and safety was a numbers game. So today we don't die of rejection, but we feel like we will.

7:40Marisa Peer: So we hear all these songs, I die if you leave me. I can't live without you. Don't reject me. Don't abandon me. So we're taught a lie. Rejection will kill you. Rejection is the worst thing ever. It can be the best thing to ever happen. When I look at my life, all my best moments came from being rejected. I was asked to leave college. It's my fault. I didn't work hard enough. I was having a great time, but I wasn't doing any work. My first boyfriend dumped me, broke my heart, but he did me a great favor. So we've got to reframe what rejection is because years ago it would kill you. Today, the only person who has the power to reject you is you and you never ever have to do that i did a google search on limiting beliefs and these are the most common ones because i'd like for people to feel identified with some of them before we dig deeper into the topic i am not enough i am not talented enough i am not smart enough i'm not hard working enough If I fail, I will be judged.

8:48I cannot change. I am too old. I am too young. I do not have enough time. I do not have enough money. I need to earn love. I cannot trust people. I'm ugly. Where do these limiting beliefs usually come from?

9:05Marisa Peer: Well, you'll never meet a baby that's got any of those beliefs. There's not a chance you could ever find a newborn baby or a six-week-old with those beliefs. Even a baby that's taken from its parent at birth and put up for adoption doesn't have those beliefs. Even a child whose senses are not wanted does not have those beliefs. So we learn them, which is very good news, because if you acquired them, you can let them go. And we learn them, and the quickest way we learn them is something called being compared. Do you know that expression, comparison is the thief of joy? And we have a whole system where people say, oh, your sister could read when she was four.

9:41Marisa Peer: Your brother didn't get food all over the floor. Your niece is so good. Then we go to school and they do this streaming. And streaming means we're comparing kids. I mean, imagine you're in the lowest stream. And then we have something called prize day where they always reward achievement. They never reward effort. And really bright kids get all the prizes, but they don't really work hard. And now we've got the internet. You can ask it to grade you like an egg. What am I to go? You're a C, a D, an E. You're very rarely an A. And now, of course, we can go on the internet and look at people. And every day we get exposed to false images of perfection.

10:20Marisa Peer: They're not real. You know, we see someone who's had a baby and they're a size eight and they look amazing. the next day we see someone with three kids with a perfect life and we go oh I don't look like that my life isn't like that we see all these perfect homes perfect bodies perfect lives and this overexposure to fake images of perfection and it used to be just for women but now men get it they see men on the cover of GQ with a six-pack and perfect hair and they go oh I don't look like that and it makes people doubt themselves and think I am less than, you're more than, I'm less than. So the comparing is the beginning of limiting beliefs and then there's something called ACE, being exposed to adverse childhood experiences and if you get exposed to several of them it will definitely affect your mental health and they are being humiliated, being criticized, being exposed to violence, being abandoned, being left.

11:19Marisa Peer: And the more you have those, more likely you are to be depressed, to be anxious, to be overwhelmed. So we've got to work really hard to not expose our kids to those too often. So, but you know, no one teaches you how to be a great parent. There's no real manuals. There's probably more now than ever before, but people think I can just love my kids so much and that's enough. But they go to school and they get bullied or they get ostracized or they get criticized. I really feel sorry for kids today because when I was at school, there was a girl in my school who was very badly bullied. It was a terrible thing.

11:56Marisa Peer: But she could go home at four and that was it until nine o 'clock the next day. And all weekend she was free of it. But now kids get bullied in their bedroom. They have phones and they can never escape it. And we have an epidemic of suicidal kids, really depressed kids. And And actually the highest group of depression are late teen guys, young men, teenage boys. They really suffer so badly because they're compared all the time. If we live our lives without changing these limiting beliefs, what would be the real life consequences? It's very sad because all those beliefs you read out apart from one are not true.

12:38Marisa Peer: So what you're doing is you're living your life by a belief that isn't even true. You see, here's the thing. You make your beliefs. Sorry, which one is true? The one about I don't have enough money. That can be very true. Interesting, okay. That can be a true belief. I don't have enough money. I can't earn enough money. That can stop you. So it wouldn't be fair to say that's not true. That is true for many people. But the rest of them are not true. So you make your beliefs. Your beliefs turn right around and make you. And then we have something called confirmation, which means I'm looking for proof of what I have chosen to believe.

13:13Marisa Peer: You see, we think we just have, you see, a belief is a thought you think a lot. That means you must make your beliefs. You're not born with them. You make your beliefs. But they make you. And the thing is, no one is teaching us, hey, this is just a belief. You can change it. How do you change a belief? You challenge it. You question it. You say things like, well, who told me that? Is it true? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me? So, you know, when I was a kid, my brother and sister went to private school. I didn't. I was the girl least likely to succeed in my family.

13:49Marisa Peer: My brother went to boarding school. My sister went to a private school. And I didn't. I went to a state school. And I did have those beliefs. Oh, I'm less than, they're smarter. My sister's much prettier. My brother's much smarter. and my sister's a cute little baby, my brother's the only son, and I'm just this thing in the middle. And I did feel like this thing in the middle. And those beliefs did shape me a lot. But when I left home, I realized something. Wow, I'm still taking these beliefs with me. I don't even live at home, but I'm still believing those beliefs. So I set about changing them, dismantling them, if you like.

14:26Marisa Peer: And that's what you have to learn to do. Why do I believe this belief? Who told me? So your parents are just, well, you know, we're a poor kid, so you're never going to make it. People like us don't have money. People like us, you know, blue collar workers. There's so many kids now who came from nothing, who've become phenomenally successful. So if you have a limiting belief, one of the best things to do is to find someone else. Like you might say, if you're a woman, you cannot have a great career and be a great parent. Well, go and Google someone who is. There are lots of women who've got kids, happy, balanced, normal kids who have a great career too.

15:07Marisa Peer: And so when you question a belief, you don't believe it, which is why religion says you must not question the iman or the priest or the vicar, because if you question them, you don't believe it. They're not like that. When you question a belief, you already doubt it. So you've got to look at your beliefs and question them and then change them. And when you change your beliefs, you can then start to change your life. I mean, if you look at someone like Tony Robbins, he had no father. Wayne Dyer was brought up under children. I don't know if Winfrey was abused and had a baby at 14. But it didn't stop them.

15:39Marisa Peer: In fact, in many ways, it motivated them. So find someone else who's done what you want to do and ask yourself, what does that person believe? You see, this is a great question to ask yourself. What would I have to believe about myself to feel not enough? What would I have to believe to totally overcome that? It's a good question to answer. What would I have to feel to hold myself back? What would I have to feel to push myself forward? When you answer that question, there's the clue to changing your life. What do you have to believe for this to happen? Or do you have to believe for it to not happen?

16:18Marisa Peer: And then you can say, oh, okay. You see, these are your beliefs. They're not someone else's. and the thing we're not taught is if you can just change your thoughts you can change your entire life forever and there are so many people who've come from tremendous adversity and created massive success what are other questions that we can ask ourselves that internal dialogue so then we can identify which self-beliefs are wrong because i feel like some people they are very self-aware of their own self-beliefs and they know where they're doing wrong, then maybe we can help them how to get rid of that.

16:56Marisa Peer: What a good belief is, does this belief serve me? Does this belief help me? Let's imagine you're going on a date and your belief is, oh, my God, I'm not really good enough. Relationships don't work out. What if this person doesn't like me? Ask yourself a question. Are these beliefs beneficial in any way? Well, of course they're not. You should be saying, I hope they're good enough for me. I hope I like them. I hope this person is the one that sees how lucky they am to be with me. So you've got to flip your beliefs. Whatever your belief is, there's an opposite. If I believe I'm no good with confrontation, what's the opposite of that?

17:30Marisa Peer: I can talk to anybody. So say that. You know, it doesn't matter if it's a lie. Your brain does not know if what you tell it is true or false, useful or hurtful, beneficial or limiting. It doesn't know and it doesn't care. So we all lie to ourselves. You should tell yourself a better life. You're able to say, I'm in a good confrontation. I can't talk to people. I fall apart when people look at me. The opposite would be, I can talk to people. I have something to say. And when people look at me, I quite like it because I feel I get some attention here. So if you can just start to flip your beliefs, even though they're not true.

18:10Marisa Peer: You see, saying I fall apart when people look at me, that's not true either. So a lot of the beliefs we have that hurt us are not true. I'm an idiot. I got rocks for brains. I can't cope with failure. I fall apart under pressure. These are not true. But if you say them enough, they become true. So if you find the opposite and say that, it's also not true. But if you repeat it, it becomes true because the brain is what I call a proof-making robot. When you say something, I'm terrified of heights. I get allergies every summer, I get colds every winter, your brain starts to work really hard to make that true.

18:51Marisa Peer: So your words are shaping your realities. If you say I get every cold going, you're going to make that happen. If you say I've got a great immune system, I can sail through winter and I'm always well, the proof-making robot will make that happen too. So it's your job to look at your thoughts and say, hey, I could upgrade these thoughts. These thoughts don't help me in fact they block me why not give them up because if you stop thinking a thought where is it doesn't exist does this also mean that on the other hand if we have positive thoughts and we think of ourselves alberta i'm a very good athlete then i become a good athlete if i constantly repeat that to myself no if you said my goal is to be a phenomenal athlete then And you'd understand what that requires because what you require requires something of you.

19:43Marisa Peer: So then you're going to have to work out every day and eat a better diet. So you could become a great athlete. I mean, you can't say my goal is to be a brain surgeon. I'm going to sit at home eating cake all day. That doesn't quite work. So it's a bit of a three-step process. Focus on something you require. Don't say want because wanting comes from lack. I want love. I want some food. Say I require. So you might say, I require to be super fit. That's okay. But what does that require? You've got to exercise rather a lot and eat differently. But if you require it enough, you'll do it. Often we require things that, well, you know, people ask me, I really want to lose weight.

20:22Marisa Peer: How can I do it? Well, eat differently. I don't want to do that. Well, that's the thing. I don't want to go to, I'll do anything to lose weight except go to the gym and eat differently. Well, nowadays we have Majora, so I guess you can do it. I have a friend who literally bounced a ball off his stomach. It's like amazing. And I had bounced a ball off it. And I thought, kind of like a stomach like that. But it requires, just sit up 600 times. He eats a very limiting diet. I thought, you know what? I actually don't want it enough. If I really wanted it, I could have it. But you see, whatever you want, you've got to do something to get it.

20:58Marisa Peer: So I could say, I'd love to write a bestselling book, which I do love that. But what does that require? It requires a lot of time on your own writing. And actually writing a book is not hard. Making it sell, that's when the hard part hits you. How much you have to do to get your book to sell, how much promotion and talks and book signings. I didn't know how to do that bit. So we've kind of brought people up now to say, you don't have to do what you don't want to do. But everyone who makes it will do what they do not want to do. the mark of success is how much are you willing to do what you don't want to do?

21:34Marisa Peer: Interesting. And if the answer is yes, you can be successful. So you have to think of what you require, be very clear of what it requires of you, and then go and do it. But you can't do it. A lot of people do the last step. I'm going to go and get this great job, this great partner, this great life, but I didn't really feel worth it. So they do a lot of self-sabotage. If you sit with yourself first and go, I want it, I require it, I'm worth it and I'm willing to do the work, you'll probably pull it off. And then this is where the self-limiting beliefs play a role because if we are doing the thing that feels hard for us, then maybe our self-limiting beliefs start sabotaging us.

22:15Like, I'm not good enough, so I'm going to quit

22:18Marisa Peer: because I'm starting to feel uncomfortable from the hard work or the uncomfortable work. Sure. You know, I used to work a lot with overweight celebrities and we'd take them training with Marines. It was very interesting. The Marines would run through rain and mud and snow and they'd sing, I'm a Marine, bring it on, I'm a Marine. So everybody would go, oh, this is so painful. My legs hurt, my butt hurt, my knee hurts. I don't want to do it anymore. A lot of them would pull out because they would look at how hard it was. But you see, if you're running and you say to your brain, oh, my God, this is boring.

22:51Marisa Peer: Oh, I could be at home now watching TV. then your brain says that's where you want to go so it moves you in the wrong direction if you say I love running I love running even if you hate it your brain will keep you going because it listens to your dialogue so when I work out I'll say things like my stomach loves this my legs love this I don't love it so I got run over three years ago my doctor you've got to use really heavy weights now you'll get bone loss so I do really really heavy leg press and I would say my legs love it, love it, love it, which isn't true. But if you say it enough, it becomes true.

23:24Marisa Peer: So you always have a choice. Are you going, I hate it. I don't like it. It's boring. Or are you saying, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Because weirdly, when you say I love it, eventually you actually start to love it. And when you say I hate it, you're more likely to hate it. So you might say, I hate studying. I hate all this paperwork and all this stuff I've got to learn. If you go, I love it. It's so engrossing. You know, I wrote my very first book. I was quite young and I was given a lot of money to write a book. And my first thought was, oh, this is very lonely. I'm a bit young to sit at home and write for hours.

24:01Marisa Peer: It's so isolating. All my friends are out having a great time. And I actually couldn't do it. And I actually gave the advance back because my brain could only see this is lonely. This is isolating. And I actually gave them the check back and said, I can't do it. And then years later, when I did write, I always remember my friend came to take my little girl out. So I could actually sit and write this book. And I was given a lot of money to write this book, much more than the first one. And again, I was having those thoughts, oh, everyone's out having fun. And here am I writing this book. And I had an overwhelming desire to straighten up my sock drawer, to make sure my knives were together, to put a karate job in every cushion, because I was telling my brain, I don't want to do this.

24:41Marisa Peer: but when I'd run out of socks to pair and cushions to straighten, I sat down and wrote, and I began to say, I love this. This is compelling. This is engrossing. It wasn't even true, but within a week, it became compelling and engrossing, and I noticed there was nowhere I would rather be than at my desk writing that book. So the brain responds to words that are vivid. So if you say, I'm going to write, it's a bit what I call a meh. It doesn't make a picture. the way you feel about everything is down to the pictures you make in your head and the words. So when you start to go, this is compelling, this is engrossing, this is amazing, I love it, there's nowhere else I'd rather be, it becomes true so quickly.

25:25Marisa Peer: But we often say the opposite, this is boring, this is frustrating, this is hard. So you've got to say, rather like a runner, this is compelling, engrossing, thrilling, rewarding, I love it so much. And it actually changes your entire life. So it's all about that internal dialogue. All about the words you say to yourself and the words you let in. You know, it's very strange because when I had cancer and I was having a lot of blood tests and one day I went to the hospital and I just, it was a day when I was just really done with all the blood tests. I kept taking different, I thought, can't they take them all at the same time?

26:01Marisa Peer: But they didn't do that. And my veins had collapsed and I was saying to this girl, just not in the mood for this today. I'm having so much. And she said, I am the best blood taker in this hospital. You won't feel a thing. And she said it was such pride. I thought, oh, okay, put out my arm. And I actually didn't feel a thing. So it's not just the word. When she said, I'm the best blood taker here, you won't feel a thing. She said it was so much pride. I went, okay. And I didn't. So it's not just us. We've got other people also can really inspire us. They're going, you're safe with me. You're in good hands.

26:32Marisa Peer: I've got this. I can handle it. But words, you know, I love this expression, words are the thread on which you string your every experience. We often use terrible words and we have terrible experiences. So it really does start with the words you use and the pictures you make, which you're free to change at any time. Did this method help you battle your cancer? Oh, completely. Yeah, very much so. I had cancer and I didn't. I mean, nobody wants to have cancer. So the first thing you think is, oh, my God, because I was so wow. But what's so interesting for me is I spent my life being positive, using words, saying this is nothing, this is just a blip.

27:12Marisa Peer: I can do it. I've got it. I'm like a big rubber ball. I will always bounce back. So it's true to say for the first two days I was kind of shocked. But then by the third day, because I always said I'm like a big rubber ball, I bounce back, I bounce back. I'm like, no, it is a blip, nothing at all. I'll be over this. and I got over it very quickly because I understood that my mind is responding to my words. And if I go, oh, God, this is terrible, this is a life sentence, this is death, this is terror, that's where I would go because whatever you focus on, you go towards. If I said this is nothing, this is a blip, because I had wound cancer, so I felt very lucky because I didn't need a wound.

27:54Marisa Peer: My wound had done its job. It was really kind of surplus anyway, so I was able to go, oh, this is actually quite good. I don't have spine counts. I mean, that would be terrifying. So I think what's so nice is first it's what you do. You teach your brain to look for the positive, to always use positive words, even on your worst day. But then after a while, your brain starts to do it for you. So first it's what you do, then it's who you are. And it did help me so much. I'm so glad I had that. I would have felt very differently. And I did bounce back very quickly because I had that state in mind.

28:31But also the placebo, you know, drug companies spend billions of dollars on the placebo

28:37Marisa Peer: because they've got to prove this drug works. And so what you believe about a drug will affect you more than the drug. So we know from the placebo that what you think of a drug will affect you more than the drug. So I knew that my thoughts could make me much stronger, could make me cope better. Even if you're, you know, I just had a girl on my team called Ariel and she was given a devastating cancer diagnosis stage four just for her wedding and told, look, you're not really going to survive this. And I made her a recording and said, Ariel, your body loves the chemo. The chemo is amazing. Don't fear it.

29:13Marisa Peer: Welcome it. Look at it and say, oh, thank you for making me well. Here you are. I'm looking at this red liquid and you're making me live. I'm getting married. And she survived the whole thing. She's done incredibly well. because there's something oh this is a poison going in a Bible because people say to me you know I cried when the chemo went in it's a poison but she said no it's it's amazing it's going to give me my life and I'm getting married and everything's coming back and so you know the expression when you change the way you look at something the thing you're looking at changes you have to change the way you look at something and I find that very helpful and we can all do that go well how am I looking at this and going, this is hell.

29:51Marisa Peer: Having a kid is hell. You know, having a baby is hell. Having toddlers is hell. But that's someone's fantasy dream come true. You know, I was told I could never have children. I've had a lot of stuff in my life. I thought I could never have children, got cancer twice, got run over in a pedestrianized street, which is quite a place to be run over in a place where cars aren't allowed to go. But in each instance, if I could change the way I looked at it, then it changed. And I remember saying to my doctor, you know, this guy ran me over and drove off. It was a hit and run. He went, God, you're so lucky.

30:28Marisa Peer: If he stopped on your leg, you could have lost your leg. So that was kind of a reframe. Wow. That was lucky that this son of a bitch drove into me and then drove away. It didn't get very far, actually, because it was a pedestrianized street. But that was a reframe. So sometimes the worst ever thing can become the best. It depends how can you reframe it? Can you say, what's great about this? What's good about this? Like when I had cancer, what was great about it was womb cancer. I didn't need a womb. When I was in a hit and run, it was quite good it was a hit and run. So sometimes you just have to, it sounds so Pollyanna, I know.

31:07Marisa Peer: It sounds so ridiculous. How can I make this a good thing? but you really can. You know, when I was a single parent, my daughter's father didn't give me any money at all. And that could have been a terrible thing, but I remember thinking, well, I'm a therapist and I could make a very good living, actually. I was very lucky. I was a great therapist. I did make a lot of money. My daughter went to private school. I didn't make quite enough because all the kids, they went on holidays and she didn't. And I thought, oh, I don't really want it if you're different because I know that being different is the bane of your life.

31:39Marisa Peer: But what else can I do? I can write a book. And if he'd given me a check every month for school fees, I never would have written the book. So he did me the biggest favor in the world because he made me think, okay, I got to do it myself. So I look back and I think, thank God. I didn't have a checkbook dad paying all the bills because that was my motivation. And often the very worst thing when you think, I'm actually so glad. I mean, I'm glad that I didn't go to private school. My brother and sister did. Because it gave me something called, I'll show you. If you think of the three of us, I'm the least likely, I'll show you.

32:15Marisa Peer: And that was always my driving force. I'll show you. I'll do it myself. And most self-made people who are my favorite people have that same thing. I'll show you. You watch me. And I'll do it all by myself. And they do. But if you give people everything, if you give your kids everything, you don't give them that hunger to go out and do it. And that's a terrible thing. in addition to having this internal dialogue and seeing the glass half full and the positive affirmations yeah and saying things through a positive lens should we also say these things out loud to reinforce the message yes let's imagine you're saying i'm enough and you go i kind of mumble it i'm enough out of the side of my mouth no you got to state it affirm it embody even shout it out because you've got to excite your imagination.

33:09Marisa Peer: So the mind likes very positive words. They must be stated in the present tense. The mind has one time zone. It's called right now. You can't go next year, I'll be enough, next month, four years time. So it must be in the present tense, must be stated very powerfully. And you've got to use very powerful words and put some words in front of words too. It really helps. I mean, I love the word fuck because says, now I'm fucking amazing. It's better than I'm amazing. So amplify or just say, I'm brilliantly amazing. I'm magnetically lovable. You want to really amplify as much as you can. You want to expand and not contract.

33:46Marisa Peer: The saying I'm fricking amazing is expanding, saying I'm not bad. I have good days is contracting. So we really don't understand the power of words and we're not taught that the mind only works in the present tense and only responds to words that make a picture. But it will respond to words that make a negative picture or a positive one. So let's say you picked a statement and I'm enough is a great statement. I am enough. But don't just say it. You need to write it on your fridge, write it on your mirror, write it on your of underwear with Sharpie pens, put it on your phone alert so it goes twice a day, and change all your passwords, obviously very securely with characters.

34:30Marisa Peer: If you have to type I'm enough to open your phone and computer every day, it's going to sink in. You see, if I had some warm toast here and I put olive oil on it, it will sink in. But so will furniture polish. Whatever I put on that warm bread is going to go in. So your brain's a bit like a piece of toast. What you introduce to it will go in. You've got to be careful what you introduce to your brain because it will all sink in. One of the rules of the mind is it can't hold conflicting beliefs. While you're saying I'm enough, you can't be saying I'm not enough. You can't say I'm smart and I've got a phenomenal memory while you're saying I'm an idiot and I can't remember a thing.

35:06Marisa Peer: The brain can't hold conflicting beliefs or conflicting thoughts. But we often do that. We go, I want love but terrified of being dumped. I want success but your life's never your own. I want to kill a body, but I couldn't live without pizza. So we do this conflicting beliefs and they really make the brain stuck. So what you need to do is go, okay, how do I do that? So take out the word but and put in the word and. I want success and I can have a family too. I want love and I'm going to pick someone with great partner skills. I'm going to be together forever. I want to kill a body and I'll have pizza once a week.

35:42Marisa Peer: So but becomes a block and keeps your brain into just one direction. But we're not taught that the brain can't hold conflicting beliefs. And if we were, we'd all cope a lot better. So you must state the affirmation, state them. And then also the great thing to do is if your affirmation, let's think of an affirmation. I'm amazing. You could put that song by Seer on your ringtone. I am titanium or I'm having the time of my life for this girl or this guy is on fire. You can change the lyrics, but have a ringtone that's exciting because what you state in a firm becomes, you know, Muhammad Ali said, I said I was the greatest, and factually, actually, I wasn't, but I said it.

36:25Marisa Peer: And he didn't mumble it. He shouted it out. And in his mind and everyone else's, he was the greatest. So when you call yourself the goat, if you call yourself the queen of manifesting, I'm a master of marketing. I'm a global whatever. If you give yourself a good title, I'm the queen of, I'm the goat, I'm the prince of, I'm the king, it's really inspiring to your brain. But often we give ourselves the wrong title. I'm an idiot. I'm not very good at that. So it's more than just affirming it. You've got to say it in a very passionate, very powerful way. add really exciting words and descriptions because it it's really motivating and although you say none of this is true your brain doesn't know that it has no idea what's true or false that's why if you watch a terrifying movie your brain goes oh this is really happening to me it can be really scary because the brain can't tell the difference between if it's real or imagined the brain doesn't know if you watch a really gory operation oh i can't look i can't look at all that blood and it's just a screen.

37:31Marisa Peer: If you watch someone having a needle put in there, I've got to look away now. Because the brain thinks it's happening too. It's why if you let your kids watch the news and terrifying stuff, their brain doesn't even know that that's not happening in their front room. So if you start from there, your brain does not know if this is real or imagined, if it's good or bad, helpful or hurtful. It doesn't know. So you might as well tell it amazing stuff. I can do it. I'm ready. I'm on fire. I'm gifted. And he said, but I'm lying. But who cares? If you say I'm an idiot, that's a lie too, because you're not an idiot.

38:06Marisa Peer: You know, we all have brilliant brains. We just have no idea how to operate them. How much of our suffering comes from reality versus our imagination, if you were to put it into a percentage? I would say 80 % of our suffering comes from our imagination. And it's worse now because we say things like, oh, I've got social anxiety. And that's not true. Most people who say that are antisocial. There's nothing wrong with being antisocial and loving your own company. But if Taylor Swift says, hey, do you want to come to my house for dinner? I go, I'm an antisocial person. I'm going. That's a good invitation.

38:41Marisa Peer: But today I'm not going to be antisocial. If you have social anxiety, you'll throw up as you get to the front door. So we have a whole generation. So I've got ADHD, I've got autism, I've got Asperger's, and they haven't. They've got, I've got mental health issues. And of course we do have that. But if you call, if you give yourself a label, I'm shy, I'm insecure, I'm fragile, I'm easily wounded. Sadly, when you label yourself, you limit yourself. And so I think a lot of our suffering is from how we label ourselves because the label is a blueprint. Remember, your mind is a proving robot. If you say, I'm terrible with math, I can't add up to save my life.

39:25Marisa Peer: Or even if you say I've got an awful memory, you'll start to prove that to yourself. And if you flip it, I've got a great memory. In fact, my memory is incredible. It's phenomenal. all, that will happen too. So you have to be very careful with these limiting beliefs. You know, when I, funnily enough, talking about the word suffering, when I was, had surgery on my leg, because it was broken in 16 places, they're going to go, are you in pain? No. Are you suffering? I said, I'm not suffering. I'm in discomfort. Because you see, discomfort was a word I could do with, I'm in discomfort. If I get myself in a little position, I can go, oh, well, you must be suffering.

40:00Marisa Peer: Do you want morphine? I'm like, no. And they had like a bag of drugs, like they're coming into my room with all these drugs, how much have I got to pay for them? They went, oh, these are like$500. Well, I don't want them. Take them away. They said, are you in pain? Are you suffering? I said, no, I'm in discomfort. And it's a good idea to say that I'm in discomfort, or this is challenging, or this is, yeah, this is a bit of something, but never say, oh, I'm in chronic pain, because again, the word you put in front of the word amplifies it. People say, I'm in chronic pain. I've got the worst headache in the world.

40:30Marisa Peer: This cold is hell. I've got the worst stomach ache. I've got chronic stress. And what you're doing is you're maximizing and amplifying something that you don't want. So if you say, a little niggle, I have got a cold. It's a little thing. I'm going through a little cold rather than I've got a chronic, horrible, awful cold, the worst cold. So you've got to remember, you are choosing to amplify something you don't want. And if you do three things really well, you can change your life. And the first is amplify what you want and minimize what you don't want. So if you want something, you want to amplify it.

41:07Marisa Peer: So you amplify you. I'm smart. I'm a good person. People like me. I've got some skills. I've got some gifts. So you want to amplify positive self-talk and you want to really minimize a negative. I'm just an idiot. I've got rocks for brains. I don't understand this stuff. I'm always sick minimize that I'm actually quite smart yeah I get sick occasionally but I'm just going through something and that's getting better so amplify good stuff minimize bad stuff and visualize if you can do those three things really well you can change your entire life because people who do well always leave clues and that's what they do all the time you'll notice they go oh I'm really gifted at IT, oh, I'm amazing at a chef.

41:49Marisa Peer: I'm fantastic at that. And they visualize how good they are. If you look at someone like Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver, they don't say a bit of a mush. They go, I'm an amazing, brilliant, fantastic chef. It's my gift. I'm really good. They don't sound good at everything else, but they'll tell you how good they are. And they don't really put themselves down, but they also are able to visualize. So it's a three-step thing that we can all learn. and you might not be great at it at first but you get better and better so amplify the good stuff about you really minimize the negative stuff and visualize what you want to happen and if you can do those three things not only will you move towards success it will actually move towards you at the same time

42:38I want to talk about love and relationships sure how do limiting beliefs show up in our ability to love find love and romantic relationships as a whole do you know I think more people have sat

42:51Marisa Peer: in my chair and told me they can't find love than anything else and more problems are caused by this belief that we can't find love. I wrote in my new book about my stepmother. My stepmother was a head teacher, very, very bright. And I was in the garden holding my little baby, I was kissing her stomach. And she said, you know, you're so lucky. My husband would not allow me to kiss our children. I looked and thought, but you're a head teacher. He wouldn't allow it. And we all suffered because of it. And I thought, isn't that amazing that a woman of her intelligence and her knowledge of child development, she was a head teacher, was not allowed to hug or kiss her own children.

43:28Marisa Peer: He just wouldn't allow it. And you think, but how could that be? But then of course, although I found it very hard to understand how she allowed that, I understood the effect it had because I see clients in my office every day who say, I can't find love. Where are you looking? They go, oh, I'm not actually looking. Well, of course you can't find it. You're not looking for it. You see, finding love is not complicated. We all want to be loved. Who here doesn't want love. But there's only one thing you need to do to find love. And it's to sit with yourself and say, I'm worthy of love. I'm deserving of love over and over and again.

44:06Marisa Peer: And we do that. We think, okay, I'm going to get wax. I'm going to have something snipped off, injected in. I'm going to change my shape, my weight, my size, my body, my wardrobe. And this is the wrong thing to change. Change one thing. How lovable do you think you are? And when you can say, I'm lovable, I'm lovable I'm lovable just the way I am for isn't that what Barry White said and Billy Joel I love you just the way you are and when he said that in Bridget and all the women went oh because he said I love Bridget just the way she is and we all want to hear that and the problem is we think it's someone else's job it's your job it was your parents job of course to say I love you I love you and sometimes they can't do it but if you're 20 it's not their job it's your job it's your job to say I'm worthy of love I mean who isn't worthy of love and once you get that once you can work on that belief I am worthy of love I deserve love I'm deserving of love just those words say them over and over again what will happen is your mind will start to go well you're not really worthy of love because you're not a perfect size six you haven't got this thing we apparently got to have um fat hair and thin thighs you maybe you've got fat thighs and thin hair.

45:25Marisa Peer: So you think, oh, I'm not right. No, it's not about your thighs or your hair or your six pack. It's about what you think you're worth. So sit with yourself and notice that you're objecting. Well, I don't have a nice word. I haven't got a great job. I've got a horrible car. I live in an awful apartment. But eventually you'll realize that you are objecting to the words, I'm lovable. And then you'll run out of objections. And now you've got to that level where you can say, I'm worthy of love. And because your thoughts resonate out from you and back to you, people that match your thinking, you'll find love.

45:59You know, quantum

46:00Marisa Peer: physics, the most reliable science in the world says you have an energy and you vibrate at a frequency. So if you imagine vibrating at the frequency of I'm worthy of love, other people pick it up. You know, the worst thing when you think, well, I'm not really good enough and they might find out what if I'm ghost what if they leave me what if you're resonating a very low frequency if I'm not worth it which you could not have been born with so you've got to change your frequency and that's the most reliable science in the world quantum physics so you've got to do that first do the work on yourself I'm lovable I'm lovable I'm lovable then only will you find love but love will also find you and and love isn't being lovable it's not about the size you are what kind of hair you have.

46:45Marisa Peer: It's not about the labels. What size are you? What weight are you? What age are you? How much money is your bank account? How many followers have you got? These are all numbers, but they don't matter. You know, you can find love at any age. And a lot of people who have love are not perfect. You know, I remember talking to one of my clients who was gay and was very troubled by his body. And I said, how many people do you know have got a perfect body, he said, 2%. He was quite famous in the world to thousands of people. And he said, 2%. Why are you worrying about 2 %? In fact, the thing that makes people love you are your flaws.

47:21Marisa Peer: The basis of all relationships is we choose people who share our vulnerabilities. So people who are perfect are the loneliest people in the whole world. There are people with perfect bodies. And you'll often notice models will say, oh, how could you be rejected? You're perfect. They go, yeah, I know, but my boyfriend wanted to diminish me. He couldn't really, well, one of my clients said, my boyfriend couldn't cope with my beauty. He's always told me I was stupid, always put me down. And it's amazing how many supermodels and beautiful actresses and actors too. I mean, look at Heath Ledger. He couldn't be more beautiful than him.

47:56Marisa Peer: I mean, he was the most beautiful, talented, gorgeous man. Look at George Michael. Look at Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at Whitney Houston. if beauty made you happy wouldn't they be blissfully happy if being rich made you happy have we got these depressed billionaires on boats that want to kill themselves so beauty doesn't make you happy being rich doesn't make you happy liking yourself and knowing you're lovable makes you really happy so that's where to start i'm lovable i'm lovable you'll doubt it and actually when you do it and if you're doing it now four things will happen And the first is, gosh, I kind of like the saying, I'm not going to do it more.

48:36Marisa Peer: But the second one is, this makes me very tearful. Tears are in my eyes and I feel so sad as I say it because I don't believe it. The next one is, I'm freaking angry with that Marissa Pierce saying that stupid stuff. It doesn't work for me. And the fourth is, this is just silly old woo-woo. I'm going to dismiss it. But the last three just mean it's not familiar yet. You haven't done it enough, do it more. Because your brain likes what is familiar and wants to go there. so you've got to choose to make it familiar again and again. Mind learns by repetition. And very quickly it will work. And in fact, somebody said to me, you know, the funniest thing is, I did what you said and I fell in love with the man next door.

49:12Marisa Peer: I never noticed him. I didn't register him. But all of a sudden he came up to me and said, there's something very compelling about you and I've been noticing you go up and down the path and could we just have a cup of tea together? And now they're married. I lived like them for five years. I didn't notice him, but he didn't notice me. But when I did the I'm lovable, I was resonating some frequency that made me magnetically lovable to him. And thank goodness I did. And they're still together. Someone asked me, you know, I was, no guy's ever hit on me in Sainsbury's until I did that thing. And then I went into, this guy came.

49:40Marisa Peer: I said, I don't know why I'm approaching you. But I just felt I should talk to you. She said, oh, I've already met someone now. So she had to, that didn't go anywhere. But I loved that, that people can find love in their street, in the store, in the bus queue, at work. Love is all around you, but you have to know you're worth it. You can't chase love. And we have this belief, I've got to earn love. I've got to chase it. I've even got to buy it. I've got to look just right and be just so. And love is not to be chased or earned or worked for. It's just to be let in. You know, I did that. I believed I had to earn my dad's love by being smart and working really hard.

50:23Marisa Peer: And that was such a mistake. and if you say to your kids I love you just the way you are and you're always going to find love because you're lovable they will one of my clients couldn't find love and her dad used to say to her I love nobody will ever love you like I do I love you so much and you'll never ever find love like this again what a weird thing to say to your kid and he meant that because he loved her so much but he programmed her to believe she'd never find love like that again until I met her she didn't she just couldn't find love. And she was so attractive and interesting. But imagine saying to your kid, I love you, and you'll never find love like this again.

51:02Marisa Peer: Nobody will love you like me. So when you leave home, you're a bit screwed with that belief. But often well-meaning parents say that, or they say, oh, don't try for that. It won't work out. You'd just be disappointed. They don't want to say aim high. Or people like us, that doesn't happen for us. So often And that's where the limiting beliefs come from. Well-meaning parents or parents who don't understand the power of words. Your words shape your reality. You've got to use different words to have a different reality. Even if many people have been exposed to these unfortunate life events, especially in our youth, what you're saying is that we all have the ability to change how we see life, how we see ourselves and our future.

51:49Marisa Peer: Well, you know, we attach so much importance to the first years, and we should, because if you can raise a child with love and make them feel safe and worthy, you're setting that kid up for life. But when we tell people that, we're telling people, well, if you didn't get that, then you're less than, you're damaged, you know, you're broken. And that's actually not true. There are degrees of damage that are very hard to come back from. But on the other hand, you know, you're going to live until you're 102. So the first 18 years cannot define the next 84 years. If your life was a huge clock, we're talking about the first five minutes, you've got another 55 minutes to make it better.

52:31Marisa Peer: So it isn't really what happens, it's what do you do about it? Can you say that first bit wasn't great? You know, my dad was 18 when I was born. I didn't get given a grown-up, sorted-out dad. He was growing up right next to me with all his mistakes he made because he was a kid. But now I can parent myself. You know, we give all our power away by saying my parents didn't do the right thing. I didn't have a dad. My mom was depressed. My dad was an alcoholic. And I didn't get what I needed. And that's a great shame when you don't. But the thing is, you can give yourself what you need. So children have very simple need.

53:13Marisa Peer: They need to feel loved, safe, connected, and significant. That's really it for a baby, loved, safe, connected, significant. And then as you get a bit older, we still need all of those. Our whole life, we need to feel loved, safe, connected, significant. We also need to be seen and heard, celebrated, and have someone be proud of you. So if you get to 20, you know, I didn't get any of that, or I didn't get that enough, now you have a choice. Accept that or say, well, can I do that? because this emptiness inside is the unmet needs of your childhood. And I could say I had many of those unmet needs.

53:48Marisa Peer: After all, I didn't go to private school, so I felt insignificant. My dad was a head teacher, not really interested in me. I didn't feel connected. I did feel loved because I had a grandmother. But I could say, well, I didn't really have that. I didn't get lots of praise. I never felt celebrated. In fact, the opposite, I wasn't really seen and heard. What am I going to do about it? I can bitch and moan or I can say, hey, these are core needs. I can meet them myself. Well, how do you do that? Well, you sit with yourself and you say, I'm significant. I'm choosing connection. It's a choice. I'm finding love.

54:26Marisa Peer: I'm celebrating myself. I'm proud of me and I can be seen and heard. So it becomes a choice. If you are not choosing connection, you're choosing disconnection. And that's very painful. So I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just telling you that a lot of my needs were not met, but I did it myself. But I did have one thing. I had a grandmother who believed in me. And if one person believes in you, you'll be okay. Just one. But then when you get to 20, you have to be the person who believes in you. You have to meet the needs yourself. You have to be that person. Because a lot of people say, oh well you know my childhood wasn't very good and they do what I call give up they give up I'll never have love or connection and they often get pets and they live a very quiet life because they give up the other half do something different they they give it away they're going to find someone out there and they're going to meet all these needs I'm going to find someone and it's going to be their job to meet these needs for me and they can do it but that person also has unmet needs and they might get sick, they might die.

55:31Now you're back to being very needy.

55:34Marisa Peer: And the third way is to do it yourself. Don't give someone the power to tell you who you are. It's not their job. It's your job to tell them. You can't tell me who I am. I got to tell you who I am. So I could tell you, I think I'm a nice person. I got a lovely heart. I think I'm worthy of love. You can't tell me I'm not, but a lot of us do that. We let someone else tell us, you're not enough. You're not qualified. You're not perfect. You're not good enough. And it's very important to realize it is your job to tell people who you are. And also it's your job to be that person for yourself and maybe along the way, be that person for someone else, for women, especially.

56:19Marisa Peer: You got to, when you fix yourself, bring someone else up too. I love this expression, The best exercise you'll ever do in your entire life is lean down and lift up another person. But don't forget to lift up yourself. Because a lot of people are givers, but they can't receive. So once you get it, oh, actually, it's my job. Yeah, it's your job. And that's good news. You can do it better than anyone because you know what you didn't hear. You know what you didn't hear? The words you didn't hear. The stuff you didn't get. And then you start to say it. And of course, the most vexing thing about the brain for therapists like me is it wants what is already familiar and known.

56:55Marisa Peer: So if you get a lot of criticism, that's so familiar. Someone says, hey, you're great. You go, not really. That was just a fluke. You know, my mum was an amazing cook. And every day I'd say that was lovely because it wasn't good enough. I couldn't quite get the right herbs. I cooked it for too long. Oh, these tomatoes. You could never say, I know, I'm an amazing cook. And I cook with love. And so glad you like it. you always had to diminish it to say no nada don't mention it it was nothing at all actually it was a huge thing you've been in that kitchen all day so don't ever say it was nothing don't mention it oh this old thing oh that was just a fluke say thank you because the fastest way to grow your self-esteem is to let in praise but also to praise yourself it's really important that we We praise ourselves and let praise in, especially if you're an entrepreneur and you're working for yourself.

57:45Marisa Peer: You have a praise muscle. And if you don't use it, it will just wither away like every other muscle.

57:55There's a book that I really like called The Big Leap.

57:59Marisa Peer: Yes. By Guy Hendrick. I like that too. It basically explains the concept of the upper limit. So sometimes in our lives, when things are going well for us, whether it's in our personal lives or professional lives, then we self-sabotage what's going well for us because we feel like we shouldn't be living. We shouldn't be that happy. That's our upper limit. Yeah. What do you think of this? Well, I know that's true because 75 % of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years and 90 % of inherited wealth is gone in three generations. If you don't earn it, it's much harder to value it. If something is given to you, as nice as it is, it has less value.

58:37Marisa Peer: And so we do have a limit. Oh, I can't, you know, I'm scared of having more money than that. If I have more, you have less. I shouldn't be greedy. I shouldn't ask for that. You won't like me if I have more than you. And all these beliefs, it's lonely at the top. You see, if you believe it's lonely at the top. Now I went to Richard Branson's life. I've never met a less lonely person in my entire life. He's surrounded by friends and people. He's very happy. I mean, I know his wife just died, but that was before Joan died. And you couldn't meet a less lonely person than Richard Branson because he took everybody with him.

59:11Marisa Peer: So if you say it's lonely at the top, when you have money, you never know your friends, or when you have a kid, your life's never your own again, when you've got a good career, the stress will give you an ulcer. You're going to stop saying that and say the opposite. But it is, yeah. So we do have a limit. We believe we have a limit. how much love can I have? And we'll say things like, nobody can have it all. Something's got to give. You can't have it all. You can have it all. You can even have it all, all the time. You've got to work for it first and acquire it, but you can have it all. I mean, I have it all.

59:47Marisa Peer: I didn't start out my life with anything at all. My parents didn't give me money. You know, I went to college, but I very much had to fund myself. I worked in restaurants. I wouldn't look at my life and go, I was a girl with everything, but I did it all myself because I had to challenge those limits. You won't like me if I have money. And women always say, you know, a woman with money, oh my God, you'll never find a husband. They don't like that. I mean, that's such a stupid thing to say. Or you can't have a career and be a great parent. Your children will suffer if you have it. But there are lots of people staying at home with their kids, nothing wrong with that, are unhappy and actually the greatest thing you can give your child is to see mom and dad love each other or parents whoever whatever you love each other and when they see you having a career that fulfills you they say oh I can have that too so yeah we do have a limit of how much love how much praise how much wealth we think we're worth and that's why 80 percent of your success comes down to having something called an I'm worth it mindset.

1:00:53Marisa Peer: You've got to really work on that because if you think you're not worth it, you can get it, but you'll get rid of it. You know, we hear a lot about self-sabotage, imposter syndrome and procrastination, but they all stem from one thing. I'm not enough. I'm not enough. If I mess this up early, it won't hurt. If I'm not enough and I procrastinate, I never write that book. It's never going to fail. If I'm not enough and I blow up my relationships early, I'll never get the painful bit of finding I can't make a long-term relationship. So yeah, we do have an upper limit, but you've got to, the glass ceiling is in your mind.

1:01:31Marisa Peer: That's the upper limit. You've got to smash through that glass ceiling. You know, when someone says to Naomi Campbell, Naomi, the cover of Vogue is not available to black women or the door to that is shut. She went shut. Well, I'll kick it open then. And I love that because that's saying that that door is shut, I'm going to kick it open. I'm not going to let that in because we are defined by what we let in and indeed don't let in. And a lot of us let in a lot of painful criticism, a lot of painful beliefs. But if you don't let it in, it doesn't hurt you. I want to talk about the form of therapy that you pioneered.

1:02:07Marisa Peer: Okay. The rapid transformational therapy. In simple terms, what is it? and how does it differ from other forms of therapy? In very simple terms, people come in for a session and I would never say, how are you feeling today? And I would never say, what's wrong with you? I might say, what happened to you? But I always ask them, what do you want? You know, if I was a spice girl, tell me what you want, what you really, really want. Define what you want, because therapy is defining what you don't want. I don't want to keep eating cakes. I don't want to keep messing up. I don't want to keep being scared.

1:02:37Marisa Peer: I'm very much, tell me what you want. because RTT does three things very well. It finds the pattern, understands the pattern, and changes the pattern all in one session. A lot of therapy spends a long time trying to find the pattern and some try to change the pattern. But it's doing all three together. Find it, make sense of it, change it. So I'll give you an example. I worked with a guy who was obese and his children were very upset about it. And they told him one day they were being bullied at school because everyone saw how fat their dad was. And when they told me he went straight to Ben and Jerry's and bought three pints of ice cream, sat in the car and ate it in tears.

1:03:14Marisa Peer: And he said, I can't, I'm out of control. I know logically that I shouldn't do this, but I can't stop because emotion defeats logic. In a battle between emotion and logic, logic doesn't even get a look in. We all logically know. It's like saying to a drinker, you're ruining your life with drink. Have a cup of tea. They look at you like you're mental because they logically know that, but the emotion drives it. So now we've got this guy, weighs 600 pounds, can't stop eating. Now we've got to find the pattern, understand it, change it. And that's very easy because your brain will always go back to work out what something means.

1:03:50Marisa Peer: So if you smelt, I mean, if I smelt Shannone No. 5, I'm back with my mum, that was her perfume. If I hear Barry White, I'm definitely with my first boyfriend, who's also called Barry, because that was the songs when I was dating him. And if I eat apple pie, I'm in my grandmother's kitchen. So taste, taste takes you back. Have you noticed a smell or a taste or a sound will take you back? So we shouldn't be scared of it because the brain goes back to work out what something means. So I just said to his brain, take me back to when this began. He went back to being a premature baby weighing two pounds.

1:04:21Marisa Peer: His mother thought, if you don't feed this kid every hour, he's going to have to go in an incubator. So she fed him every hour and she was frantic and stressed. And he brought up the milk, she'd start crying and the husband was pacing up and dying. you've got to feed him more and he's going to die. And you've got a tiny little baby picking up this fear, this stress, and hearing these words, he must eat, he must eat, he must eat. And then he went back to another scene being put back in the hospital because he hadn't gained any weight, and the nurses were kind of telling his mother, obviously, you know, you haven't done this properly, and you should be feeding him more.

1:04:53But in the third scene, he was about two, and he had little fat legs,

1:04:57Marisa Peer: and she goes, oh, my, he's my little tonkertree. He's like a little jumbo jet. He's such a good eater and he's getting so big and strong and she was so happy. So now we've got these scenes, we've found that now we've got to make sense of it. Because making sense of it is important. What does that mean to a baby? A baby who is pure sensation. Babies don't have any logic. Until you're five, there is no logic. There's any feeling. He felt that he would die if he didn't eat. And he heard that every day. So it wasn't a fleeting thought. It became a fixed belief. I'd die if I don't eat. So now we've understood it and made sense of it.

1:05:33Marisa Peer: And now we can change it. Look, darling, the truth is you're going to die for 600 pounds. You're going to die from eating. You're not a baby. That all made perfect sense to a baby. That wasn't even weird. It made sense. But now we're going to change it. So now you start to rewire the brain, repassionate neuroplasticity. You start to say things like, we love leaving food. It thrills you to go on the scales and see you're five pounds lighter. it excites you to go swimming with your kids you're delighted and thrilled by going to the park and playing frisbee and your brain really loves healthy food in small amounts and if you repeat it and repeat it the brain would just pick up what you tell it again that proof-seeking robot was proving to him you die if you don't eat but we got it to prove something else eating less is thrilling being selective what you eat is amazing there's no better feeling than running on the beach with your kids and he lost about 300 pounds quite easily because it was very clear find the pattern understand it change it you can't just find it and you can't just change it the middle bit's very important and we can all find our pattern understand it and change it so I was when I was I don't know 20 I was always late for everything I could not be on time if I had 10 hours to get somewhere I missed planes I missed everything because I could never be on time and it was very confusing and my poor fiance at the time drove him insane because I'd be driving down the freeway and she'd go turning the clock back.

1:07:03Marisa Peer: Very dangerous because he'd get so upset with being late but I just could not ever be on time. And it was really vexing to me and it was a mystery to me. Why am I always late? It upsets people, affects my credibility. It's ruining my, it was costing me a lot of money. And then one day I suddenly, because I was asking my brain a question, why do I do this? What's the And I suddenly had a memory that when I was a kid and my father was a head teacher, and I didn't have to walk far to the bus at all, but I missed that bus several times a week. And I'd come back. Oh, God, so embarrassing. And he would be so angry.

1:07:37Marisa Peer: But he got out of the car and he drove me to the school. It was three miles away. And I never missed the bus coming back, which was kind of interesting. I only missed the bus going. I never missed the bus coming back. And then I realized, oh, I did that to get his attention. and that was really fascinating to me because the word cure comes from the word curious. So when you want to find out what runs you, say I'm curious, I'm really curious. The more curious you are, the more you find the cure. So I got curious. I realized that that little kid who felt so insignificant missed the bus to get my dad's exclusive attention.

1:08:10Marisa Peer: He drove me, he wouldn't speak to me the whole way, but I felt, well, I must matter, I must be important, I must be significant. I was actually trying to meet all those unmet needs by being late because I'd think, oh, I must matter to him. It's like a kid who thinks I must matter because I'm sick. They don't love me, but they're always buying gluten-free flour, special stuff, putting cream on my eczema. So I understood what it was. And then it just stopped almost overnight. I began to say, I don't need that anymore. And I was never late again. So you ought to find the pattern and then don't go, oh, what an idiot, stupid me.

1:08:45Marisa Peer: You go, well, look, I didn't know then. and it seemed quite smart with the mind of a kid. I was eight years old. I didn't have any life experience. What other way could I get my dad's attention? I didn't know I could have asked for it. So don't beat yourself up when you understand the pattern. Go, that's okay. I just don't need to do it anymore. And then I started to say I love being on. In fact, I love, I used to hate being early. I thought early was the biggest waste of time ever. But then I said I love being on time. I even like being early. It's so nice. And it just stopped. But you see, if you can't find it, understand it, and change it, you're ever saying, I don't know why I do this.

1:09:20Marisa Peer: I guess I'm just messed up. There's something wrong with me. Because our brain is heavily, heavily, heavily patterned, both good and bad. And my pattern was to try and avoid rejection. Everything we're doing is to avoid rejection, find connection. If I was late, I was connecting to my dad in the car, and he was never rejecting me by saying, well, you just have to walk to school. He wouldn't let that happen. So everything we do is to find connection, avoid rejection. But in our world today, we're so busy finding rejection, avoiding connection, because we're on our screens. We work from home and we're really creating a lot of damage by being disconnected and more wired for rejection than connection.

1:10:02When I was researching about the RTT, one of the things that really grabbed my attention was how some of our actions are led by our conscious mind and some other actions by the subconscious mind. Can you span on that? So what's the difference between the conscious mind and subconscious mind? Can you give me some examples of some actions that come from one or the other?

1:10:20Marisa Peer: So the conscious mind is a thinking mind, and the subconscious is a feeling mind. So the thinking mind would say, you know, I shouldn't eat ice cream or pizza, I should have salad. But the feeling mind goes, oh no, that milky creamy stuff reminds me of being a baby and it met all my needs. We're not aware of it. But a lot of stuff we do, almost all of it, So 90 % of our stuff at least is from the subconscious. So logically, you and I know that we should eat salad and broccoli. And that's the logical thing. But the feeling of mine goes, I want cookies and milk. In fact, the things we crave are ice cream, pasta, cereal, chocolate, because that combination of half fat and sugar, there's only one food in the whole world that's half fat, half sugar, and it's mother's milk.

1:11:06Marisa Peer: So the conscious mind wants that. but sorry, the subconscious mind would like to eat really healthy food, but the subconscious, the feeling mind will always win. It's why when a relationship goes wrong, you go and find your friend Ben and Jerry and spend all night with him because the feeling mind says, this will make me better, even though logically we know it won't. So the feeling mind might say, you know, I've been rejected, I've had a bad day, I'm going to drink and I'm not going to think. And the logic mind says, this is stupid, drinking is not going to help, but the feeling mind will always win.

1:11:38Marisa Peer: and so you might say I really want love and I want to ask someone out and I want to have a relationship that's a lot but the feeling mind says well they might reject you it might go wrong you're safer on your own and even with things like people who say I want to give a presentation but as it gets close I start to get a panic attack and my hands are sweating and I'm in such a state because the feeling mind says you could be rejected now they could not like you so logically we go, I'm prepared and I'm ready and I've got a presentation and I like it. But if the subconscious mind thinks it will hurt you, it will do anything to make you avoid pain.

1:12:17Marisa Peer: So the subconscious mind is about avoiding pain and it makes you avoid things that hurt you when you were four or three or, you know, you try to read in class, everyone laughed and now you can't speak in public ever again. So it doesn't matter how much the conscious mind applies itself, the subconscious is going to take over and that's why you need to do therapy that works with the subconscious mind only therapy that changes your neural pathways works if you find any therapy that changes your neural pathways it works forever but talk therapy doesn't really do that which I've been in therapy for 10 years and I still scream at my kids but I'm I'm getting better so you people don't understand they say well there is no subconscious somebody said to me recently there can't be a subconscious if you did surgery how could you find it's like well you couldn't find the conscious mind either if you open someone's head up then you can't find the mind so a lot of people say there's no such thing but a lot of stuff we do is subconscious you know if i went to a very high building and looked down my logical mind so i did that i went to the cnn tower in canada really high look down what do you know i say my stomach did some of my legs went to jelly my brain was going get away from the edge you fall, get away from the edge.

1:13:32Marisa Peer: So consciously I knew that I was totally safe. By the way, the floor is made of complete glass. People were crying. They couldn't actually walk across that floor. They were sobbing because the subconscious mind said, this is so dangerous. You could die. And even though the conscious mind said, no, it's not dangerous at all. It's just a floor has been made of glass. So the conscious doesn't ever win. The subconscious wins. And once you get that you just got to subconsciously say stuff so um when i was actually and i had to put my hands out to walk around that building even though i knew i was safe my stomach my legs were going oh my god but if i began to say i'm safe this is okay this is my body's just trying to protect me my body wants me to be safe everything i'm doing is to keep me safe my brain thinks i'm not safe So rather than fighting, go, oh, this is, my brain's quite cool, actually.

1:14:27Marisa Peer: It just wants me to be safe. You know, if I walked along the street and somebody was running behind me, it was 2 in the afternoon, I'd go, oh, but if it was 2 in the morning, I'd feel very scared and go, who's that behind me? What's going to happen? Someone knocked on my door at 10 in the morning. But if it was 3 in the morning, I'd go, what's going on? Because everything you do is to keep you safe. So when you start to go, I'm safe, I'm safe to speak on stage, I'm safe to give this presentation, I'm safe to go for that promotion, your brain will work with you. If it thinks you're unsafe, it seems to work against you.

1:15:04Marisa Peer: And we're told such a lie, you know, you're safe to the degree you're in control. Control your weight, control your kids, control your house, make it look like a show home. But we're all trying to control other people, we're trying to control us. You can only control the pictures you make in your head, the thoughts you think and the words you speak. And if you say, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe, you really feel a lot better than saying, I'm anxious, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm not ready. So just say, I'm safe. I'm safe to walk through the world being me. I'm safe to share my hopes and dreams.

1:15:37Marisa Peer: I'm safe to meet people. I'm safe to talk to people because your body wants to be safe more than anything in the world and it often doesn't feel safe but if you tell yourself you're safe you feel better you also use hypnotherapy yeah to reward the subconscious mind what is hypnosis and how does it work well hypnosis is a state of getting into that subconscious mind you remember i said you need to change the neural pathways something quite magical happens in hypnosis, it doesn't happen out of it. First of all, you have a critical factor that says things like, oh, I can't possibly speak in public.

1:16:17Marisa Peer: I can't possibly ask somebody for that. But when the critical factor shuts down, you accept things you might not have accepted. I can write a program. I can be a fantastic coder. I'm an amazing coach. So that's the first good thing. The critical factor that screens your thoughts takes a break and lets in much better thoughts. It's why all Olympic athletes use hypnosis and now the Olympic body will tell you athletes who don't use hypnosis will never get to the Olympics because they don't have that edge but athletes who use it are so much better so when you visualize something but there were some studies a few years ago about these rifle teams and one practiced all the time one visualized being a great shot and one did both and they said which is better we all think the third one but it was the ones who didn't practiced all but just visualized who are the best so hypnosis is getting into that bit of your mind screening it's shutting down the critical factor and then two other things happen your mind sends different messages to your body you can do it you're ready you're prepared you've got it but also the body sends different messages back to the mind so instead of saying i'm scared i'm excited It's everything I'm panicking and I'm prepared.

1:17:31Marisa Peer: So it's a wonderful thing that does not happen out of hypnosis. The critical factor shuts down. Brain sends much improved messages to the body. Body sends better thoughts back to the brain, better sensations, if you like. And everything that you can do in hypnosis is amazing. You can get yourself to sleep when you're in a different time zone, to have a great memory, to not feel pain. I mean, I gave birth under hypnosis. is I had a root canal under hypnosis. It didn't feel a thing. Being hypnotized is just a couple of things. First of all, you need to get into the state of hypnosis. It was not a conscious, you're not walking around.

1:18:07Marisa Peer: You need to get the brain to shut down, to narrow down. So I've worked with a lot of footballers and say, you know, when you narrow down your thoughts and see yourself as a goal scoring machine, that's what you be. So the first thing is the state of hypnosis. But the second thing is what you say. Because if you said, okay, I'm in hypnosis, I'm not thinking about Chuck, I'm not thinking about chocolate. Of course you're thinking about chocolate. If I said to you, okay, don't think of a snowman that's orange, you've never seen an orange snowman in your life, but you've already seen it. So it's not just the state.

1:18:40Marisa Peer: It's what do you do in that state? What words do you tell yourself? And again, you've got to understand, the brain only understands present tense. You can't say next year I'll be a millionaire because you might as well say blueberries on toast. Your brain doesn't know what next year is. It only knows now. It only knows words that are very vivid and descriptive. So I'm phenomenal, I'm successful, I'm lovable. And then you need to layer those words. And it doesn't hear not. Not, don't, maybe later. It doesn't know. So saying I'm not anxious is saying I'm anxious. I'm not worried. I'm not hungry.

1:19:18Marisa Peer: I'm not thirsty. The brain doesn't hear not. So it's now heard hungry, worried, and thirsty. So just remember not to say not don't because it doesn't pick up those words. So once you understand those very simple rules, you can do anything. Marisa, my last question to you is the following. If you had to compress all your knowledge into one essential piece of advice that we all must implement in our daily lives, what would it be? Wake up every day and tell yourself you're enough. Put it all around your house. The common denominator of all our issues is not enoughness. And you fix it by saying, I am enough.

1:19:54Marisa Peer: and if you're a parent, pass it on to your kids. It's the best gift you can give yourself. Thank you. I mean, at a personal level, I feel like this conversation has been life-changing. So I'm incredibly grateful for your advices, for your time, for your knowledge, for your experience, for holding space. Thank you. For me in particular, the premise of the show is to unlock the best version of ourselves and we try to do that by bringing nutritionists, cardiologists, like very more logical-oriented topics. but I have never felt in my whole life like the better version of myself can come out after this conversation so you're literally helping me become that so I know that this is also going to help all of our audience so I'm deeply grateful for that thank you so much I'm grateful too because you know we're all the same people kind of think oh gosh if he could do it I can do it and I think you might find that this session will help so many people go back and reclaim that abandoned kid and become an arrow instead of a bow Yeah, thank you.