I Fell For My Best Friend

0:00Hello Esther. My question is centered on a previous friendship of mine with a best friend who is no longer in my life. I fell in love with my best friend who shared unrequited feelings for me and our friendship became so intimate that I got to a point where it hurt too much to just be friends with him. So I told him we needed to take an undetermined amount of time apart from seeing each other. My question for you is twofold. How do I navigate this heartbreak and confusion for someone who truly felt like home to me and experienced a transcendent love with? And secondly, how can I learn to let go and open myself up to new potential romantic partners?

0:46I really struggle with comparing potential partners to him.

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2:21I was listening to you and I thought, I'm hearing this for the first time, but you're hearing yourself again. What's it like? I think one thing that might have shifted a little bit is maybe not necessarily navigating the heartbreak, but just the confusion for how can I feel this way where someone feels like home to me and no moments with him can feel like touching the heavens. How can this be unrequited? But then most importantly, too, I've been trying to go dating and no one measures up. And I know what love should feel like, and I don't want a watered-down version of it. I hear two questions.

3:11One is, tell me if I hear you well. If I felt that we were touching the heavens together, how can it be that he didn't feel it, right? Yes. the second one is about how do I grieve the loss of my best friend and the third one is how do I allow myself to fall in love again when I have this sense that I was so off and that I thought we had a shared reality and it doesn't seem like we did how would I trust myself now when I meet someone new

3:55yeah that speaks that speaks loud that last perspective tell me a little bit more what happened give me actually what's the story what happened here who are you what happened who was he how long did this go on you know before we tackle the difficult questions give me a little bit of the history of this relationship, this friendship, this falling in love with him. I don't know when, you know, the whole thing. So about three years ago, we matched on a dating app and we decided to meet up on a date, went cross-country skiing. And it was just this immediate connection, an effortless connection for me.

4:47and I know I wanted to explore what was there. And when I had shared wanting to go on a second date, he was not interested, but we did agree to keep hanging out as friends. And so for a couple of years, I would do this really challenging choreography of straddling between friendship and keeping those feelings at bay. They only got stronger with time. And I don't want to say it was an unusual friendship because that's just my cultural understanding of it, of how I was born and raised. But we did spend... What do you mean by that? Most weekends we'd be with each other. We'd speak throughout the week.

5:34I would be involved in both the small and big moments with him. And it was reciprocated. and some of his friends have joked that we're codependent on each other, not in a negative way, but just that we spend a lot of time with each other for people that are not dating. And what did you mean when you talked about that it was different from your cultural understanding? I think we all have ideas of what is and isn't a normal friendship. So how I see friendship is like, you know, I hang out with that person. and we spend time with each other, but it's not like a consistent everyday interaction where with this friendship it was.

6:18So for me, to be so involved in someone else's life on that everyday level is not something I have with other friendships, if that makes sense. And you both called each other best friends. Yes. so part of the understanding is friendship i don't know where one finds the accurate measurement of how many times a week people need to meet that is called friendship versus that is called a platonic relationship versus that is called a codependent relationship why why pathologize this and begin with but what was clear is that in his mind you were a very close friend and for you, you were wanting it to be a very close friend, but you knew all along that from the first date, you were hoping that he would change his mind and that he would realize that you share something so special together and that he too would begin to call this romantic love and not just friendship.

7:28Possibly that could be in the background, but I felt like I always knew we were just going to be friends and part of the reason that I told him we needed to take a pause was at one point in our friendship he had shared that he still had feelings for an ex and myself and my friend had encouraged him to reach back out and see what could still be there he felt so certain about this past relationship he was in and they did and they got back together. And that was really painful for me, but also I want the best for him. And so I think I always knew we were just friends, which is why I would have done an action like that, proposed that he reached back out to his ex.

8:15And ever since they got back together, I just, it was painful, but I knew intuitively we couldn't be friends anymore. So as long as you're with someone else, It hurts too much to just be friends with you with how our relationship is right now. And he said? When I had that conversation with him, I shared that I had feelings that have never gone away since we first met. And, of course, there was some pause when I said that. I didn't know how he would respond. and his first question was had I spoken with my friends about it already like does it feel like the right decision um but then two he said how can I help out in this situation what can I do um which those responses you know let me know always friendship nothing more but he cares for me and and holds me in high regard and wants to help out where he can but I told him really just the separation, the time apart, and just to pause so I can figure out, can we make this friendship work?

9:26That was about half a year ago. And we haven't spoken since. Other than that, I did tell him, you know, God forbid anything bad happens in each other's lives. I don't want us to not share any of those updates. I still want to be there for him. So I did reach out when a family emergency happened. But other than that, we haven't spoken since and I don't anticipate I probably will ever reach out to him again because I can't imagine just friendship with him without it hurting, if that makes sense.

10:06And you helped him reconnect with this ex as if I introduce him to someone else, then I won't be so rejected by him because I will have been the one to send him out?

10:24Possibly. You're shaking your head. I haven't thought about that. Did I unknowingly do that? Yeah, perhaps. Perhaps. I can't tolerate you being so close to me and not with me that I'm going to send you off to be with someone else but I will have been the one to create the distance and not you that could be well what happened at one point in our friendship he had started seeing someone and that was huge heartache heartbreak for me That was him finding that person on their own. It didn't go anywhere after a while, but maybe that's what I did when I reconnected him with his ex.

11:22What does that bring up for you, as you say? Maybe as you blow the air out and as you shake your head. I'm feeling that maybe intuitively I knew something had to change and by maybe by me taking that action things would shift in a way unknowingly not knowing how it would but I can tell you it hurts less now even the separation than being with him so maybe I did that action for myself at the end of the day

12:01it gave you clarity it helped you create a closure or at least a comma a comma in the sentence or a semicolon maybe it helped you punctuate the relationship and as you say once he said how can I help you you understood that you are not in the same place. You don't share the same feelings. You deeply care for each other, both of you. But at this moment, you need to create a place and a space where you can fall in love with someone else if you so choose. Thinking about you saying the pause, or the comma, maybe not necessarily complete resolution, but that was the period. Yeah. I, that was one thing that I wish I would have pushed in that conversation, which felt impossible in the moment to have.

13:08I just wish I could have, I could hear what was going on in his head and not that I deserve that and not that I, maybe that wouldn't have made a difference, but there's still, I don't know, part of me feels like if I could have heard an honest, candid response as to every, like what he was feeling and thinking that would have helped me a little bit more as opposed to just saying, how can I help out? Have you thought about this through? What are the boundaries when we take this pause? Part of me wishes I would have asked for him to share. Not that he would have had any formulated thoughts because I know I definitely took him off guard 100 % with that conversation.

13:52which part of it the fact that you had feelings for him all along that you had not been able to reveal or that you knew that once you would reveal them there was a chance that he may not reciprocate or that you were going to cut off after that to protect yourself? I think a little bit of a couple of the scenarios you gave. I think there definitely was ever since we went on that first date, I never once ever again expressed interest. I knew it was always just going to be friendship. And I did my best to the friend zone myself in many ways. How did you do it? Yeah, I think just talking about my dating life.

14:38In my mind, if I'm talking about my dating life, that's going to make him feel more like a friend because he talks about that with someone that you care about. Clever. That was one thing. Did he too? Yes. Yes, it went both ways. And there would be times where I thought, yep, I was successful in friendzoning myself. I only see him as a friend. And then there could just be a sudden change where they just came back and made me realize It was, feelings are probably never going to completely go away. They'll still be there in the background.

15:17And then to your question too, I think he was also caught off guard of just completely like the excommunication. Like we're not going to see each other. And I know that was difficult for him because we both considered each other best friends. we spent so much of our time with each other. So that was changing his world upside down too. I was wondering, because you mentioned your friends and how they viewed your relationship with him. Where are your friends in this story? My friends have been cautious of the friendship. From day one, when I met this friend on a date, I immediately had to call several friends.

16:02I said, you'll never guess what my day has turned into. I'm feeling over the moon. Like, I didn't know I could meet someone like this. But once I told them that we were just going to be friends, I think they all had reservations. Like, if you feel this strongly, is that a good idea? But I had shared that I would just treat it as a friendship. But they definitely... They know you well? They know me very well. Have they known you to be someone who gets hurt by love? It's hard to answer that. I didn't come out till later in my adult life, in my early 20s. And so I, and to this day, haven't been in a long-term relationship.

16:48So I don't think they've ever seen me hurt by love romantically, if that's the question. Are you out to the world or just to your people? Yep, I'm out to family, friends, 100 % open, yeah. Had you been in other long-term relationships before? Or other relationships before? Short-term, nothing exclusive. I always seem to find a reason to pull away with the limited people that I have expressed interest in. And I think part of that might just be by not having that regular dating life from a young age, I place a lot of seriousness now as an adult into dating someone.

17:41We have to take a brief break. So stay with us and let's see where this goes.

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21:01Is there anything I should know about your experience of coming out? So for me growing up, I grew up in a small conservative area with a parent that worked for the church. And just with the teachings that my church has, lots of internalized shame from being gay, from being queer. and unfortunately for me that manifested that internalized shame into social anxiety so opening up to others had at that time been really really difficult for me but fortunately during COVID I made the decision to start therapy which really reorganized my whole life and where social anxiety is not a factor that inhibits me from living a life aligned with my values.

21:59But I'm not sure what else I could say that might be helpful for the context of my story coming out. Supportive friends, family, some family doesn't, still believes being queer is sinful, but they still love me. and are still in my life.

22:24What's the, I can imagine what you're laughing at and about, but I want to make sure that we're laughing about the same thing, or smiling about the same thing. Which is it for you? They still love me, but as long as? Yeah, I'm laughing at the same thing as you. just how can love shouldn't be conditional on certain items. So when I listen to you, what I'm wondering is, well, actually, maybe I ask you first, tell me a little bit more about the social anxiety because what I'm understanding is that when you met him, you experienced with him a kind of closeness and a sharing of the everyday that in effect you had never experienced before.

23:17Yes, it's true. We met prior to me starting therapy and he was with me during a lot of pivotal moments of my life with radical self-love and self-compassion and really letting go of internalized shame in many ways. He was there as a support system and many of those things. We also, we had done a book club on gifts of imperfection by Brene Brown, where he got to really see the landscape of what my social anxiety looked like and how it affected my life. He has been the deepest, most profound friendship I've ever had. Yeah, he's been that person that I haven't been open with other people in the same way.

24:09And what allowed you to do it? Because you see, sometimes we are tempted to think I could do all of this because of who he was. But sometimes we begin to realize that I could do all of this because of who I was becoming. Yeah, that's the word becoming. I think it was so easy to, I mean, I'm sure I definitely tested the waters first with what I was going to share early on in our friendship. But no matter what I would share, it never made him walk away or see me differently or he still cared and loved me despite all those challenges that I had. So I'm sure with time when I started to reveal and open myself up more, I was never met with someone walking away or viewing me differently or not wanting to have that relationship with me anymore.

25:08What did you just think about? Something just came into you. Yeah, I'm still thinking about the word becoming with him. I like to say that he inspired me to be the best version of myself. And so when I hear the word becoming, he's part of the reason of who I am and where I've gotten to today. And that is one beautiful way that he lives inside of you. one of those witnesses that you met along the way in your life who saw you coming out and who saw you becoming more bold more assertive, more authentic, more forthcoming more honest with yourself, with others more radically compassionate if you want but he watched you or he accompanied you in this mega transition in your life he and the other friends but he was the one who was on the other side of the conservative community the church, maybe your parents or these other family members and so he became the welcoming accepting family that you so beautifully called in the beginning of our conversation my home that's been one thing that I find that's been helpful because when we first stopped seeing each other that's all I could think about was him and him not being in my life and and in attempts to make it not hurt as bad I would just say things that I was thankful for that he brought into my life for things that he changed about me or experiences that we had and that's been helpful.

27:10So just to hear you say all of that list of things that he's accompanied me with, it's been something that's been helpful for me to say that out loud. He is in your life. He's not physically present at this moment. And you kind of know that when you are ready to re-engage, he will be there.

27:38so he is a part of you and he's a part of your life but he's not actively involved because now from what I understand now you want to learn how you can experience this with other people see sometimes when you experience something for the first time with someone you attribute it all to them they're the ones who opened me up They're the ones who gave me the sense of acceptance. They're the ones who allowed me to become kinder with myself. They're the ones who loosened me up. They're the ones who allowed me to be funny. You know, they, they, they. And rather than they and me. It's not just them and it's not just you, but it's certainly you in a big part.

28:24And so now it's, can I experience this with others? And for that, you have to imagine that it wasn't just him. Because if it's all him, then it disappears when you don't see him. If it's also inside of you, then it's there when you meet others. And you won't be crippled by comparison. This is really important for me to hear.

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