I Have a Crush on a Coworker

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0:13Hi, Esther. I am calling because I have a crush on someone I work with, and I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about it. the reason I'm conflicted is because one, I'm newly divorced. I've been divorced for six months. And while it was a long time coming, and I made peace with it, it still feels very fresh. And I'm not sure when is the proper amount of time I should be waiting before I start a new romantic relationship. And the other piece is the fact that we work together. We are on the same team, so it seems that there are many ways that this could go badly, and that deters me from entering a romantic relationship with this person.

1:15And at the same time, I feel very drawn towards this person and can't help but want to pursue a romantic relationship with him. So I would appreciate some guidance and insight from you. Thanks.

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2:51is your crush shared known or held in your internal fortress so i'm pretty certain that it is shared it hasn't been talked about we haven't really said anything to each other about it but i'm very confident that he feels the same way tell me more about how the crush came to be known to you was it there before but it waited for the permission to reveal itself to you because you were still in the unraveling of your marriage? So it wasn't known to me or I didn't realize it until the divorce happened. We had been working together for a while before that and with this job that I have I made a lot of new friends and And I kind of overlooked him, to be honest, and thought it just wasn't even a thought in my head.

4:08But during my divorce, I went out with a few of my work colleagues, including him. And I had a thought like, wow, this person is easy to be around. I really enjoy spending time with him. Like, it's nice to know that there are nice, attractive guys out there that I share more interest with. And that's when I kind of started crushing on him a little more. It's become a verb now. Yes. Yes. And after my divorce was finalized, I went out dancing with a few friends and he was there and we danced together. and it was very nice. I enjoyed it. And then I thought, oh boy, I kind of like this person. And I just haven't been sure what to do with that information.

5:11It kind of freaks me out that I'm in this situation. Because you work together, because you just recently divorced, because of the timing of it, because of the surprise of who it is, because it's a feeling that you don't know. There are many possibilities. What freaks you out? So a few of the things you said, the fact that I am so recently divorced, and there's more to that story too. Yep, I'm going to ask. I was going to go out to a show with a bunch of friends. It was a big group of us, including my crush. And for one reason or another, everybody kind of backed out of it last minute. So it was just going to be me and him.

6:04And this is when we were already in the divorce process. So like emotions were kind of high and my husband like totally freaked out about it. And he was like saying a lot of really negative things about my coworker and basically that he was just a player, that he was looking for like the right place and right time to make a move on me. And because he didn't know that we were getting divorced, it made it worse because he didn't check in to make sure it was OK. that I was going with just him. And he said a lot of really horrible things that made me kind of doubt my co-workers intentions, even though he had never really done anything to like show me that his heart wasn't in the right place.

7:02because after all of that happened and the divorce was finalized, I went out to a movie with him and his other friend who's a female and she's married and they're like old friends and they hang out sometimes and it was completely, what's the word I'm searching for? He was clear. He wasn't premeditated. He wasn't presenting one thing while conspiring for another. Right. But before I knew that, and my husband had kind of put all of these things in my head about him, I had a lot of doubt about this person. I was like, you know, is he just an opportunist kind of waiting for the right place in the right time?

7:55That sort of put me off. Of course, the fact that we work together. I mean, everybody tells you that you shouldn't date a co-worker, that, you know, don't crap where you eat and all of that. And also, like, if it didn't work out, that would be very awkward because we're on the same team, we work in the same department. So that potentially is not a great idea. tell me about your marriage and your divorce you told me kind of the last gift your husband dropped in your lap which was to make you doubt yourself and your judgment of people what preceded and what led to where you ended so i guess just for some background we met when we were young.

8:52We went to high school together, but we never actually met in high school until way down the road after college. We were both 22 when we met. At the time, I was coming out of a lot of really abusive relationships and feeling rather fragile and like I just needed some stability in my life. And he was kind of that opportunity for me because he had a good head on his shoulders. He was a good person, stable job. So it just kind of made sense. He treated me very well and I felt very safe around him. But as time went on, it became clear that we didn't share a lot of the same interests. And I didn't feel very emotionally supported by him throughout our entire marriage.

9:55And that was really harmful to me. I had all of my comforts, financial stability, lived in a beautiful house. Anything that I needed was taken care of. However, there is a big emotional gap there. And there were multiple, it was like death by a thousand cuts. There were a lot of different things that made me feel completely alone in the marriage. And we ended up separating for a short period of time a few years ago. So we decided to get back together and give it another shot. I had said, you know, this is what I need in order to continue with the marriage. And things got better a little bit. And then they kind of fell off again.

10:51I didn't feel like there was much effort on his part and investing in the emotional side of our relationship and working through the things that were hurting me. and it just reached a point where I became emotionally detached because I was so exhausted from all of this work that I was trying to put into it, and there were obviously hurt feelings on both sides of it, but that's kind of, in a nutshell, what happened. If there was a cartoon of the two of you, what would the bubble above your head say and what would the bubble above his head say if you had one line that's a good question mine would say I need you to understand me I need you to see me and his would say but you're not forgiving me for anything you're not moving on and what would you have to forgive him for all the times he didn't show up for me when i needed him to the times where he stood me up to family events and to things that were very significant to me for the times where I told him what was important to me and it was brushed aside.

12:35There's a lot of grief there too. Yeah. And part of what I'm hearing in your question is, is my crush a grief reaction or an expression of desire? Right. I want to make sure that this is coming from a place of genuine interest and compatibility versus, you know, a bounce back. Finding things in the other person that I didn't have in my marriage. How many years were you together with your husband? We were together for nine years and we were married for six of those years. Okay. and was there anything to what he was saying about but you're holding on I can't repair with you because you stay in the flats of the rupture I didn't feel like that was fair because I had forgiven him over and over and over again and remained very hopeful and chose to stay in the marriage because I wanted to make it work.

13:51But yet the past was still present. Even after we decided to give another shot and get back together after separation, he still stood me up to an event. And then he said, but you're not forgiving me you have to you have to trust me that I won't do it again and he gave me no reason to trust him after that so I didn't feel that that statement was fair maybe after the first time it would have been fair if I had kept bringing it up but after you know the third fourth fifth time that and how did you understand it lack of care lack of understanding of what's important to you selfishness misunderstanding i mean i interpreted it like he just doesn't care because i've told him the significance of what's important to me and why that's important to me and so if he still isn't showing up then that's to me like willfully negligent so you divorced him yes did he divorce you he made it clear that he is still there for me i think that he will move on eventually but because we separated and got back together once before i think maybe he didn't believe me that i was leaving so I don't know if he's truly divorced me or or not do you share similar circles not really we used to um but we had a falling out with our only group of friends that we hung out with so we really didn't share friends and therefore the friends at work became of utmost importance to you right I didn't have a community I felt very isolated and didn't really have a large circle so when I met the people at work that have now become my friends it sort of opened my whole world up and you don't want to fuck it up yeah I don't want to mess that up Yes, yes.

16:20I love the people I work with and they're all wonderful people. And I don't want to... If me and my co-workers started dating and things didn't work out, it would be awkward.

16:37We are in the midst of our session. There is still so much to talk about. So stay with us.

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18:54my first thought when you said I have a crush and I just thought maybe the first thing that came to my mind was to say to you, savor it I mean, even if you keep it to yourself, just the idea that after loss, after endings, when you re-experience for the first time openness, eyes that look outward, people you feel drawn to, intense attraction, desire, crushes. Savor it. You don't have to be out of control. You can just be pleased with the fact that you're alive, that your erotic energy is back. Not just sexually, in the sense of open, curious, imaginative, telling stories to yourself, fantasizing about possibilities.

19:56before you get all anxious. It's a separate issue. What shall I do about it? And how do I make space for this moment, this experience?

20:11Maybe he's just rebound because he brings back that energy inside of me and it will manifest itself and express itself with someone else. but that transition itself of what happens after you close the door and when you wonder when where will I have that feeling again when you have it it's a bit scary because it's messy because crushes feel unruly they are hard to contain they want to take over but it can also be very generative energy. So just that was the first thing I thought about. Savor it. Then when you tell me the past continues to be present, I had a series of abusive relationships. I met my ex and he came as an anchor, a force of stability, someone who wouldn't hurt me.

21:15and basically what he told me at the end was if you get yourself go with that other dude he's gonna hurt you that's the subliminal message so tell me a little bit about this trajectory before you met your ex what I mean you didn't have a crush on your ex it was a rational decision you know and sometimes we go back and forth between passionate relationships and reasonable relationships between what I am drawn to and what may be good for me. And these are major questions that many of us grapple with in terms of our love stories. So what happened before that made you choose him? How did you miss?

22:09Because in effect, You're saying, what am I not seeing with my crush? But it's what did you not see with your husband either? Because you were taken by the notion of he's solid, good job, house, you know. He's solid, but he may not be particularly emotionally attuned. And I don't know what preceded, but often the glasses we wear in one relationship, when we take them off allow us to see a whole bunch of stuff in the next relationship yeah that's totally fair um before i met him i had come out of two abusive relationships the first one was the worst.

23:01I had a best friend in high school. We both went off to college our first year and came back that summer together. And she introduced me to this man that she was friends with. And he and I had a week-long fling. It was a lot of fun. He was really smart. But he was also dealing with a mental illness. And during the time we were together, he, I guess, went off of his medication and was sort of in withdrawals. And that caused him to behave really abusively towards me and it really harmed my self-esteem he told me a lot of things about myself in attempt to try to get me to open up to him and I was 19 I I didn't know myself really that well and and he was what he I think was 20 or 21 he's a couple years older can I invite you just so that I don't make false assumptions.

24:18If you here and there can be a little more specific, it will help me understand you. Because abusive can mean a lot of different things. Playing with my head can mean a lot of things. Mental health illness can mean a lot of things. Right. So if I can ask for a little bit of filling the gaps, I know we're only meeting one hour and I do not want to ask you to open anything that we cannot close. Okay. Okay. Well, to be more specific, he had a bipolar disorder. I thought so. Yep. And And there was a lot of verbal abuse just breaking me down mentally. He told me that there were certain things about myself that weren't attractive physically and just emotionally that I was immature, that I was shallow.

25:25And it definitely screwed with my head. And then when he actually came off of the medication, it escalated to the point where he hit me across the face. Then he had a complete emotional breakdown and was crying. He broke a plate and said that he was going to cut himself with it if I left. And then I went upstairs because we were in the basement of his family's home. So I went upstairs to his parents and then he followed me and then physically assaulted his father, pushed him down and was just raving out of his mind, angry. So that was the first relationship that I got out of. um then I find out that my best friend who introduced us kind of ghosted me after that didn't hear from her and then she later told me that she had been hanging out with him after that happened and I didn't realize it at the time but in hindsight I think that maybe they had some sort of relationship that was going on that I didn't know about so um not only it was like insult to injury like not only had I been through this ordeal ended up dropping out of college because I was so upset about it um but now I lost my best friend so that was awful and I can't remember how long it was after probably a year or so a year or two, I got into another relationship.

27:04And the guy was love bombing me. He was escalating the relationship very quickly, telling me what I wanted to hear, saying that he loved me, that he wanted to build a future with me. And I went for it. We moved in together. and then things escalated again with him. He became very jealous and he was just very possessive. Didn't want me to have a relationship with my family. Ah, okay. So that's that version. Right. Because one version is that from being idealized, you become demonized. The other version is from being a free person, you become a possession and you become the person who is recruited to deal with a lot of abandonment issues.

28:00And that manifests in jealousy. Correct. You're exactly right. He was adopted and he had a lot of abandonment issues from his upbringing. Yeah. And I was not equipped to deal with that. But I didn't know even how to identify what was happening. I just knew that it felt wrong. And I felt very trapped. And things escalated into me feeling physically unsafe, where he would yell and scream and put holes through walls. I had to lock myself in the bathroom a few times so that he couldn't get into me. and then I finally you know left packed up all my stuff in my car and just got the heck out of there and moved back in with my parents how long did that last it was not long okay I think from the time we met to the time we broke up it was probably less than a year so one thing that just jumps at me is in these two well there's a lot of things it's like you had a lot of experience in your formative years and tough experience challenging ones but you have very good survival instincts you know when it's off and it takes a moment to organize but then you go.

29:40This is the third time you're doing it, right? You left boyfriend one, you left boyfriend two, you left husband three. You have a sense in you when it's off. And I don't know if you did it alone or if you had good support or if you found other friends or your parents or your family or your siblings. I don't know who's around you But who accompanies you through these various stages of life? Because a chunk of it is developmental stages. And you're telling me about these boyfriends, but you may have had other relationships and other friendships that actually were not abusive and destructive and intimidating and frightening.

30:26So I'm looking just through one very small keyhole here. So give me just a tiny bit. who has accompanied you? Because even in boyfriend one, part of what kind of got to you that he got to play with your head and talk about you as being shallow, which I have a feeling you don't think of yourself as shallow at all. And you certainly don't think of yourself as dumb, which is part of why he impressed you because you thought he was smart. And that, you know, you thought we are part of a similar inclination. and you have a very good way of understanding what the dynamic was. I don't know if you're left wondering why didn't I see or should I have seen it sooner or should I have reacted sooner.

31:15I also want you to cut slack at 19 you're 19, at 22 you're 22. And what you're highlighting may not be the sum total of what actually has been shaping you. So you're right. It's a very small snapshot of my relationships up to that point. I do have good, solid support from my family. My mom and my dad, I'm both very close with. They didn't have a very great relationship. And I think, I mean, I did have, you know, boyfriends in high school that treated me well. So it's definitely not like these are the only experiences I've had. But I guess leading up to that point, like my parents' relationship and marriage had sort of disintegrated after I graduated high school.

32:11So I went off to college. And when I came back for winter break, they were divorced and living separate places. So I think I was really upset about that. I was feeling very vulnerable and lost. Was that a total surprise? No, it was not a surprise. Like, I knew they didn't really get along. But they waited for you to be gone. Right. So that was like clear to me. It didn't mean that it was any less difficult, but I understood it. How much have these three experiences left you doubting yourself or wondering what am I missing or are you able to put it in a broader context of your life and say I've had better, I've had less good and I've had some that I cringe when I think about?

33:08I think I can put it more into context now because I've always landed on my feet and that built a lot of confidence in me over the past 15 odd years that I've had these experiences. That's what I meant by good survival instincts. You land on your feet. I see it. Yeah. we have to take a brief break so stay with us and let's see where this goes

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35:45What is the question or the fear that inhabits you in relation to this crush? I said, I have a feeling you are asking me, is it a grief reaction? Which, if so, you need to tell me what that means for you. Or am I really drawn and entering a new era and a new stage of my life again? I think the fear is that I'm going to fall too quickly into something again, because that was the common theme in my relationships. It didn't work out. I got involved way too quickly. I didn't take things slowly to try to get to know the person very well before I made a commitment to them to be in a relationship. So my fear is that I'll get caught up in my emotions again, think, you know, this is such a great person.