I Told My Friend I Was in Love with Her, Then She Told Everyone

0:00Hey Esther. So I have been in love with my close friend now for six years and we're both in committed relationships, long-term committed relationships, four and five years. and I've always had this interest in her but my good friend who introduced me to her and into the friend group that is all around her and I he said he would not be my friend anymore if I ever hooked up with her or we ever became a thing so I had a loyalty to him never pursued her seriously just as a friend because I wanted to be a part of her life because I had such a like I was so drawn to her. But now, four or five years later, after she moved back and we've become such close friends, I still can't but help wonder if she has the same feelings for me and if she's the one I'm meant to be with.

1:01And I can't stop thinking about her, and it's almost making me feel insane, and I definitely could use your services.

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3:00so since i sent that i did end up telling her how i felt um i guess some context that i didn't put in that recording was that the friend who asked me or said that we couldn't be friends she was his ex and he had still had feelings for her when when he told me that so like he still had an interest in pursuing her and then when she did move back that kind of he got closure on that and figured out that they weren't ever going to be a thing so he like eventually moved on but at the same time she moved back and they had their blow up and me and her were becoming friends I met my ex-partner who was my current partner in that recording after I told my friend how I felt she said that she would keep it between us and that she wouldn't tell her boyfriend because it wouldn't be good for us or the friend group or for my relationship or our friendship but then she did end up telling him about three or four days later and she didn't give me any like heads up or she didn't talk to me about that at all and so after he found out he came and talked to me right away and was very understanding and not like confrontational was just trying to understand where I was coming from and see my point of view and then I mean after he found out I felt like I had no choice but I had to tell my partner, which led to the dissolution of our relationship and yeah, dissolution of a lot of things.

4:37What happened when you told her? I mean, she said she was very shocked and surprised, but I mean, after I told her, she said that a few days prior, she was walking with her boyfriend and had told him like, I think my friend, me really loves me in a not romantic way, but that he does really love me. So she obviously felt that there was like a deep connection. But from, yeah, I mean, when I told her, she said she was shocked. And it wasn't reciprocated? No, it wasn't reciprocated. She said she needed some time to process and then she sent me an email saying that she just saw me as a deep friend.

5:15Like we have a deep friendship and that stops and ends there. She never saw me as anything more than that. And how did you leave this conversation? How did I leave it? Well, I was definitely upset. I definitely had anticipated that it probably wasn't mutual, but was kind of hoping it was. Because how could you not feel this way about somebody and not hope it's mutual? Especially I was always turning over my head things she would say. Because we were very close friends. We would tell each other we loved each other. And we were very close. We had a lot of emotional intimacy. We talked about everything.

5:54Our relationship problems. And you're saying all of this in past tense now? Yes. I mean, I'm saying this in past tense because right now we're taking space and not talking. And I guess I have a lot of feelings of betrayal and hurt from her going back on her word of not telling her boyfriend. And I guess one big thing is I want to just figure out how I can get over that. So much happened in such a short amount of time. You have your feelings finally expressed. Your girlfriend of five years that leaves you. This is your group of friends. You may have all kinds of mixed feelings about having finally shared with her.

6:38Your heart's aching. It's not reciprocated. You did nothing wrong. Except maybe be in a relationship with someone that you didn't nearly care about as much as she thought you did. what are the other pieces here? I guess a key piece of detail is that me and my partner were having our own relationship issues this past summer where she always had intuitive doubts about our relationship where she just felt like we weren't meant to be together. And this summer it came back up again and it was pretty shocking to me because we were talking about having children and getting fertility tested. and when she had those doubts it really pushed me away I was like am I just stealing the inevitable by staying here is this like not right is she just not being assertive enough to like follow her intuition and so that's kind of what started off these feelings for my friend like resurfacing because I kind of use the idea of being with her as like an escape I guess from my own relationship issues um romanticizing her and putting her on a pedestal instead of just dealing with my own relationship problems and yeah I definitely like I was hoping after I told her that I could just kind of let go of those feelings and refocus on her relationship because I did I do love my ex-partner now um and there is a lot I cherished about her and a lot I saw the potential in the future together i just felt like i had never dealt with those feelings for my friend properly and not like setting good emotional boundaries or even just figuring out if it was mutual from the get-go so that's some context that was missing that i should have let you know about where are you now where am i now um in terms like emotionally like in terms of what emotionally socially existentially I mean existentially I'm still living with my I'm still living with my ex we're in the process of separating I'll be moving out by the end of the month I'll be moving to a different city back in with my mom for a short period of time until I find my own place my friend who I had the feelings for I'm really close with her family like her brother is one of my best friends and me and him just had a conversation this past weekend where he was just calling me to try to understand like where i'm at where where my feelings are because he's like you know i feel like i'm in a really tough spot she's my sister and you're one of my best friends in the world that like you know i just i can't have you guys not talk or like not being on speaking terms because like you guys are both too important to me so i hope you can like figure this out do whatever you need to do to come to a place where you guys are able to be copacetic.

9:37And the friend that asked me to not ever gave an ultimatum saying that we couldn't be friends if I ever hooked up with her, I had a conversation with him right after the whole situation. Because the story was going around and it kind of got mixed up. And so I just called him to set things straight. It was a difficult conversation. He just kind of made me feel impulsive and rash and sort of like not like thinking of the future and he just made me feel bad about what I did and was laughing a lot during the conversation which I took kind of personally so I kind of feel like I've just been taking distance from him because I don't yeah just kind of hurt talking to him about everything and I don't see him as like a good supportive person to talk to about it so yeah I'm just kind of keeping my space from him and And a lot of the other friends I've talked to about it, they say, like, we don't think of you differently.

10:33They've been supportive. So socially, it's been good. But mixed, like even her partner, me and him have commiserated and like grown close. And like a lot of the reason why I didn't want to tell her was because I didn't want to impact his mental health negatively because I know he's been struggling recently. And so, like, I feel like I lost him as a friend and her as a friend. and yeah, a lot of loss and a lot of change all at once for sure. Yes, a lot of pieces, none of which you thought about before. I definitely, like when I was, because I had thought about it a lot and I talked to my one friend who was not inside the friend group about like all the possibilities of what could happen.

11:20I just thought I could trust her enough to be like to have, you know, she's told me she wasn't going to say anything. I thought that would be the case. Yes. But you understand that she told him? Yeah, I understand why she did. Because, I mean, even my friend said that if he really if she really loves him, she would tell him because it's like it's a really big secret to keep. And if he ever found out later, it would break their trust a lot. But right after he found out, I wasn't blaming her. I was just blaming myself for telling her, saying, it's my fault. I should have not told you. I should have been wiser.

12:00I didn't need to put this on you guys. It was a bit unfair of me to put it on you. I just didn't know what else to do with my emotions because I felt like I was becoming obsessive and jealous. and it felt like it was going to lead me to do something more rash or I don't know. I just felt like I was going crazy, like I wasn't sleeping at all. I was just unable to sleep. I just didn't know what else to do with the emotions. Maybe I should talk to a therapist or I don't know.

12:35Tell me more about you and your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend. because what you began to say is that you were struggling together and what went on for you? You just thought this is imperfect, this is clunky, here is struggle, there is perfection, there is purity, there is... So we started off polyamorous for about eight months and we decided not to do that anymore because it's too difficult emotionally and we just found it easier just to focus on each other we moved in pretty quickly it was pandemic times so the kind of covid advanced all relationships it seems like we bought a house together we renovated the whole house together like we have been through a lot i had a death in the family and parental estrangement um so yeah we definitely been through a lot we've worked a lot on a relationship saw like a relationship counselor and we've always worked hard at communicating and working on the relationship and planning dates and we've been very intentional about the relationship but yeah there were there has always been these inklings of doubts within her where she would even some like she wrote a broke-up letter one time but then and left it on the table but then I just put it away um and the doubts were about what Just that I couldn't love her the way she needed to be, that we weren't meant to be is the best way I could put it.

14:11And this is five years now? This has been over five years, yeah. We were together for five and a half years, roughly. And then, yeah, this past summer when she was having doubts again, it wasn't like we were having any major issues. But when she has doubts, you come closer to her or you start to fantasize about another woman? I've always pulled her in closer and saying, we're just having a bad day. Let's just work on the relationship. We'll be better tomorrow. It's ups and downs. You're feeling this way, but then in a couple of weeks, you're going to be feeling a lot better. But then this past summer is where it kind of shocked me because I was like, where did this come from?

14:58We would get in little fights and it would become, like she would catastrophize and say like you know it's supposed to be easy why can't we why can't this just be easy and you know we're not meant to be together and I'm just like we're just having a fight and like now you're like into the point where you think we're not meant to be together and so it's just be really hard and it would like make me doubt the relationship more every time she would do that and uh me and my friend were spending a lot more time this summer together and it was a lot it was very easy to hang out with her and like we had like great camaraderie and like I mentioned a lot of emotional intimacy and obviously without any of the relationship issues because you don't have the burden of being in a relationship together when you're just friends.

15:39So you can't romanticize somebody when that happens. You are in a relationship when you are just friends, but it's a different relationship. You're right, yeah, it is very different. And issues can emerge there too. but in this instance you start to have this paradox between this is complicated everything's an issue and there things flow and they're easy and there is no friction and then what happens um you know after the major issues were we were having we just kind of kept going forward I don't think I probably addressed them enough or was honest with myself enough about how much they kind of pushed me away.

16:25And the feelings I was repressing for my friend, like just kept becoming stronger and stronger and to the point where I couldn't not think about them. And they just, I was like, these are a problem. Like I'm emotionally cheating on my partner by thinking about being with my friend and like, I need to do something about this. and so i talked to a few people and most people didn't know what to do or like you're clearly in love with your friend i think you probably just need to tell her and figure out that it's not mutual so you can like let go of these feelings and part of me thought about like should i tell my partner first and then i thought well if i tell my partner first and it's like jeopardizes that friendship as well and also jeopardizes like the friend group and is gonna make it's just that seemed like a much harder approach whereas if I could tell my friend and kind of let go of the feelings without having for everyone to find out that it might just be easier that way and less destructive and less hurtful to my partner or ex-partner now.

17:25Okay and none of that actually played out the way you imagined it? No, no it did not. Okay.

17:43We have to take a brief break, so stay with us and let's see where this goes.

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20:56No cash access and card expires in six months. Check out in 15 minutes per line. Visit T-Mobile.com. And what is the current situation between you and your girlfriend in the house? I mean, we're amicable, but she's very sad. And you? I mean, at this point, I'm just kind of ready to move on and start this next chapter of my life and figure out what my life is going to be like. But I also feel like I haven't fully felt it yet because I'm still living with her. Once I'm fully separated, it's going to... Yeah. And which is the parent you were estranged from? My dad. Oh, you still are? Still are estranged, correct.

21:43So you're not speaking to your close friend. You broke up with your girlfriend. you're moving out of a house you're completely renovated you're moving back with mom for a while but you're leaving town where your whole circle of friends actually are and what is it that you need or ask at this moment because that's a lot of change and loss at once yeah I guess my main thing is just you know how do I just let go of these feelings of sort of betrayal and hurt I have towards my friend that I infest my feelings for because I just want us to be in a good place where I don't feel so hurt and I can just kind of be around her and not be resentful and to like you know have a good enough relationship where I'm still you know because her mom and her brother are like both important to me and he's one of my best friends and I want it to be amicable between all of us and I still care about her and her partner.

22:50What would it take? That's a good question. What is the betrayal? The betrayal is because she said, I wouldn't tell, but then of course she told. Is the betrayal the fact that you thought, how can it be that I felt something so strongly and that there was nothing coming back from her in that vein? is it hurt because because I feel exposed regardless of what she did and I feel like I brought my heart to someone opened up my heart to someone kind of all the above that's right I mean definitely I definitely feel exposed I feel really exposed I definitely question my sanity I'm like I felt like maybe there was something there and then of course the breaking of the word is a big one because I really trusted her it's definitely a can of worms she may have asked the boyfriend not to come and tell you I think she expected him to not say anything everyone here felt the need for the other person to know but hoped that the other person would not carry the message to the next person correct yes Yes.

24:08So there's different levels of, if you want to call it betrayal, there's different levels of betrayal, or there's different needs for people to process information that is destabilizing to relationships that are seeking to be anchored. and it's like a bomb was thrown in the middle of the village kind of thing. Everybody thought they knew their place. Everybody thought who's with who. Everybody thought what is the hierarchy of loyalty and suddenly all of that is thrown off its balance. And you're saying if I lose her, I lose her mom, I lose her brother, I lose maybe the circle of friends that surround her.

24:59I don't want to do that. How do I get over? And you put the betrayal at the top, and I would like to invite you to put the exposure at the top. Yeah, I think the feeling of embarrassment, of feeling exposed is definitely part of it. not part of it is one of the bigger pieces. But the embarrassment is to reveal the secrets of your heart to her or the embarrassment is that everybody knows that you were rejected? You know, the embarrassment can be about the public knowledge, the news traveling to the public square. I think it's more so that. because if she didn't feel the same way, I was okay with that because part of me was ready for that, but I don't think I was ready for everyone to have the situation unfold.

26:05If you wrote her a letter today, having sat with so much of this and had so many sleepless nights, what do you think you would want to say? I think I would want to say that I just wish I was more honest with myself about my feelings. That she shouldn't blame herself for the situation. Intuitively, part of me still wonders if there was ever any feelings between us. So, dear ex, I've been sitting with this for weeks, trying to sort things out. yeah I guess the letter would have a lot more questions than answers I would still just have a lot of questions keep going you may never send it don't worry but let's write it of course I've written a few letters that I've never sent to her already

27:03I care about you implicitly

27:09yeah I guess I just always wanted you to be happy whether that was with me or somebody else like any even in your partnerships with I always wanted them to be successful and I just want you to know I'll always be there for you I don't know how I could trust her again and be her friend like we were ever again

27:36unless I got some sort of reconciliation or acknowledgement or being met at the same level emotionally because you're just intellectualizing and rationalizing your actions. I don't feel you are seeing where I'm at in the situation. And what I want you to see is I came to you with my deepest heartfelt feelings for you. And by sharing it, you cheapened it. I know intellectually that that's not the case. I understand, of course, that you would want to tell your partner, but at the same time, because I can have more than one feelings at the same time. I also feel that it's as if my love for you is now just commodity that can be passed around in gossip.

28:39And maybe even if you had told me, it's hard for me to keep this, I will tell it to my partner. I don't foresee any major issue about that. But just so you know, this is not something I can keep for myself. Maybe I would have tried as best I can to convince you not to, but I would have appreciated you telling me. Who knows? I may still be equally hurt and be equally betrayed because I told you not to do it and you went ahead anyway. Yeah. I definitely feel like people think that I was just trying to shoot my shot or try to be with her. and I feel like the main motivation was just trying to release these feelings and have an understanding that it's not mutual so I can let go of them.

29:30And so I just feel people are misinterpreting my intentions, which is difficult because it makes me seem like somebody else. Okay. We're getting somewhere. so part of what is so embarrassing for me is that I'm being portrayed or I think there is a perception of me as a snitch, a snatch, a person who snatches people, I don't know if it's English but a person who comes to take someone away from another relationship I thought that if I put my hand on the fire I will not want to come close to the fire again because I was obsessed. And maybe there's a combination of more than one thing. But what I'm troubled by is that I'm now perceived as someone, yeah, what did you say, who wanted to just shoot their shot.

30:33And maybe if you had told me that you too had been harboring these deep feelings of love for me, it would have been that but it's not what I was aware of but of course we act in part consciously and in another part quite unconsciously so my question to you before we go on to the next paragraph in the letter is what happens to you when feelings become intense because that may have happened other times in your life too and you don't know where to put them. You don't know how to sort them inside of you. You don't know where to store them. And so you go and you do something big, hoping that it will stop the noise.

31:25Yeah, sometimes I can repress my feelings, whether that's like trauma or feelings of intimacy. generally i would repress feelings to sort of appease somebody else or to not upset somebody else so in this case like i was repressing feelings to appease my friend who still had feelings for her or because i was in a relationship with somebody or yeah generally i think and then when I repress those feelings, it can either lead to self-destructive habits or... Such as? I mean, seeking validation through women, through sex, through alcohol or marijuana or just ecstatic experiences, like validation just through exterior means.

32:24or I could sometimes channel it into writing or exercise, which is what I've been doing lately. I have not been doing the self-destructive route this time. The reason I ask you this is because the story is so compelling that it feels to you that it has to do with the uniqueness of the story. And what I'm sensing and wondering about is that you feel things sometimes very intensely and that you inflate. It's as if your feelings take up so much space inside of you and you don't know how to contain them. Yeah, that was pretty accurate. The feelings I was having for her were definitely something I hadn't felt in a long time.

33:13But you have felt other feelings intensely as well. It's like I'm inviting us to think for a moment about different situations so that you can understand that the form, the pattern, is as important as the uniqueness of this situation. It's not even like I decided to go and tell her. I just had to. I couldn't contain it anymore. I had to find out something. I had to make it stop, so I went straight to her because if she wasn't going to reciprocate, then I was going to be deflated. right right like it's this real paradoxical intervention i in order for it to stop i went to tell the woman that i love that i love her because i had a sense that maybe she doesn't love me back and therefore it was going to cut it a different kind of shot yeah a different kind a shot.