My Hero Complex

0:00Hello. Hello Esther. Hi, hi, hi. What were you thinking just now before I came on camera? You were very pensive. This is my first therapy session ever, so I was kind of wondering what to expect. So this is an initiation. Yes, and I'm apparently doing it with the best of the best. Oh, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Nairobi, Kenya. Uh-huh. And what was your question? It was about maybe understanding the concept of a hero complex. Quite recently, an ex-girlfriend of mine called me out of the blue. We hadn't talked in two years. and she calls me and the first words she had as well, her life is falling apart and that she's having suicidal thoughts and that she had just gone through a breakup and she was going through an abortion.

1:18And the reason why she says she called me is because in her own words, the pain she was experiencing, The only time she can remember experiencing that kind of pain was when we broke up. And we broke up around two years, three years ago now. And the reason why I ask about the hero complex is because I guess maybe some history between us. We met each other in college. I guess you could call it we trauma bonded when we were only talking and we hadn't started dating yet. she would tell me about how she had come from a broken childhood, essentially, how her parents did not have a good dynamic. Her father was abusive to her mother.

2:02Her mother was an alcoholic. And I think a month or two months before that, I had just found out my father was having an affair. And that was crushing for me because my father was a hero to me. And the reason why I say maybe which I'm appointed. She's the only person I've ever told that. Not even my closest male friends, not my siblings, not anyone close to me, not even my mum. She's the only one I told about the situation going on. So you each opened up to each other? Yes. And confided in each other things you hadn't shared with anyone else? Yes. And then? And then I guess we developed a connection, a bond.

2:53And then as we continued talking, she would tell me about how her ex-boyfriends did not treat her right. She would tell me about how her previous ex-boyfriends were either maybe abusive or just not good to her. and so I think combining the two stories, the stories she had told me from her childhood and the stories she was telling me about her current life, I want to say I felt sorry for her. There's this emotion I felt. Yes, the best way to explain it is I felt sorry for her and I guess a part of me wanted to prove to her that the world is not all doom and gloom. I wanted to rescue her. I guess.

3:43That's the hero. I wanted to rescue her. I wanted to show her that they are good men. I wanted to show her that it's not one man who mistreats you, who should be the representative of the whole species. I wanted to make her feel good and loved and precious. Yes. Actually, that was, looking back, the entire mission in that relationship was to make her happy. Nothing else.

4:19We have to take a brief break. So stay with us. And let's see where this goes.

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5:37And is that the first woman I've been wanting to do that with? In a relationship, yes. And at home? She was actually also my first relationship. Right. But you have wanted to make another woman happier. Yes. I guess I also have friends around me that I keep around me because, especially female friends that I know their situations or their ex-boyfriends and maybe have an idea of what went wrong and I kind of want the best of my ability to protect them. Yes, I want them to be happy. So I keep them around even after they have broken up with my friends and yeah. Have you wanted, I mean especially because of what you told about your dad, have you been invested in making your mom happy?

6:40Not actively I would say, just the normal dynamic between mother and son. I can't pinpoint any instances where I was maybe out to make her happy so I wouldn't say that but inside? yes you've been watching her for many years and you wish you could yes my father travels a lot to work so growing up it was really just me, my brothers and my mother so I guess I knew at the time he always had to be at work and so when he would come home maybe once a week or a month every two weeks. We will be okay with it because we know he's out packing, he's out providing for the family, and that was okay with us.

7:30So we essentially grew up with my man. He was there when he could be, but growing up, I thought they had a good relationship. I looked up to him. He was my hero. Are you close to her? To who? To mom. No. Not really. I would say we have a lack of a better professional relationship. We are not close. and part of your question to me is i wish i could understand more this need of mine to save women to rescue them to capture these broken birds these broken wings and to show them what did you say the world is not just doom and gloom and I don't fully understand why I have that feeling, but I know it's very strong inside of me.

8:36Yes. Is that your question? Yes. Especially right now, I am not sure what to do because I guess, yes, I want to make her happy, especially right now. She's going through something. but I do not want to fall back into the habit of making the entire relationship or the dynamic between us about making her happy. I want to be friends. I really want to be friends with her but I guess I want to be real friends not just friends where she calls me when she's in pain or I want to experience a true friendship with her now that the relationship fell apart. And yes, and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to contact her.

9:26I don't know whether to stay away because some part of me feels like I'm being mused just emotionally. I want the perfect optimum outcome, which will be I want us to be real friends where she's healthy, I'm healthy, and we can both be healthy. But considering our past, especially how we met it was a time of pain for her and I can't help think this is a habit now that she's also in another period of pain for herself that the only person she could reach out instinctively was me if she was not going through her pain maybe not Are you left wondering is there something about me that makes people come when they are in trouble or in crisis and they need me.

10:22And somehow I often feel that they reach out when they need me, but that's not the same as when they love me. Yes. I would like to say it's a gift. People open up to me when we talk for the very first time. I've met people and within 15 minutes of meeting them, they were opening up about situations in their lives. so they come to me though when they have a crisis they come to me when things are not well but then when things are fine that's not when they stay with me that's what becomes challenging to me I'm more than happy to be available when people go through a rough time but it seems that people will come to me because I'm a good nurse yes and I wish that they would come to me because I'm a good playmate and I'm a good boyfriend and I'm a good lover and I'm a good person to have fun with not just to afloat on.

11:27Yes. I'd like for them to come to me when they're happy as well. I would like to share the happiness. Yes. Yes. And because when they don't then how am I left feeling when they only come or when they predominantly come when there's a crisis or a problem then I feel what? Used. I feel like I'm being used and the moment maybe they are happy or not going through the pain they are going through anymore they will not call me or contact me again. And then I feel what? I feel sad. and used. I think the word is used. I'm happy to be there. I'm happy to be there. But you're with me for what I can give to you and not for who I am.

12:28Yes. You're taking advantage of what I can offer you and what I can do for you. But I don't feel that you really are with me for who I am. Yes. I guess my question is whether if, for example, if she was happy and maybe having a kid. I don't know, maybe, would she have called me? Would she have told me the good news that she's having a child? Would I have never heard from her again? I guess is the question I'm asking. Right. But the question is also, how do I change that? How do I not participate in inviting and encouraging women that come to me to share their crisis or their hardships. Yes. Because I don't say no.

13:22No, most of it. So, with her, I appreciate that you called me, that you feel that you can talk to me and that I am a reliable friend. I find it slightly difficult that you seem to really think of me and call me only when things are bad. when things go sour. I somehow don't appear in your life to share the good stuff only when the wind blows in the wrong direction. I thought about putting it that way, but when she mentioned that she was in a suicidal state, I thought maybe the best course of action is just to calm the waters for now, make sure she's okay, make sure she's happy, make sure she's laughing, make sure she's not in a state when she leaves the phone call where she goes through with maybe her darker thoughts.

14:23So that's something I would love to talk to her about. What makes it compelling for you when people come to share their suffering? I think of it as a gift. I like the fact that people can tell me anything. Not just maybe when they're in pain. Even their secrets and people just talk to me. I guess that's how it put it. People talk to me. And I like it. Problem is when they tell me about how maybe the pain they're going through. A lot of times because of how maybe I embrace them, it quickly devolves into a romantic attachment on their part. and maybe not necessarily the same on my part. So I kind of have to also wiggle out of that situation as well.

15:18But oftentimes it ends up badly. Say that again. It devolves into a romantic situation on their part. Yes. Sometimes when they open up to me and we continue talking, they quickly delve into maybe an attachment because maybe I was there I embraced them and because I'm not there with them it kind of falls apart because I guess they're expecting something from me maybe they got an idea that because of how embracing I was that maybe I'd be someone they'd like to be with, but I just, I don't understand it. That's why I wanted to understand the concept of a hero complex to maybe put these pieces together.

16:11But there's two parts. There is, in fact, there's more than two. There is the part of you that says, I feel privileged when women and men, male friends too, open up to me. I feel honored. I feel privileged. Yes. But it turns from feeling privileged, it turns of feeling used. It's as if they come when I can give them something. But when they don't need anything, they go have fun with others. So they get romantically attached when I'm taking care of them. They come to be taken care of. But it's as if they want me in the role of the nurse, in the role of the counselor, in the role of the coach, but they don't really see me as the boyfriend, as the person they can develop a relationship with.

17:09The moment they are better, they go back to others, others who are way less nice than me. Why is it that a nice guy doesn't get to experience the full relationship, and they go back to all these people I know, my friends included, who don't always treat them that nicely. Yeah.

17:43We have to take a brief break. Stay with us.

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21:30Tell me what I said feels right. Say it in your own words. It's difficult because, like I said, sometimes they do want to be in a relationship with me. But I guess the word nurse is best because I wonder if all I can be is a nurse. I wonder if I can find someone who is happy and maybe we can share in the happiness not gravitate to someone that I feel like needs me because I should say maybe when we started dating with my ex-girlfriend there was also another person in my life at the time she was happy and healthy as I would put it and I said no I actively said no to the healthy one and went to the one I felt attached to when we shared about our pasts.

22:28And how do you understand that? I like being needed, maybe. I like how I made her happy when we were together. I like how I could see a change. I could really see a change when she was with me. And that really gave me a dopamine hit. I would feel so happy. And the reason why I said that was My mission was to make her happy because sometimes even when I was going through something, I would actively not share it with her because I did not want to burden her. And so her happiness, especially for me, was my sole mission. And I had so much joy in it, fulfilling, but it wasn't sustainable. For whom?

23:14For me. I wanted to move on. but why? it's not sustainable because what? I start to resent it I start to wonder will there ever be space for me I start to feel like it's a lot of responsibility to be in a caretaking role like that I start to wonder if I wasn't there helping you would you still be with me? any of the above? if I wasn't helping would you still be there? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sometimes we have a hero complex or a rescue fantasy because we were able to rescue someone in another part of our life, often in our childhood. Sometimes because we were not able to rescue, often a parent, in our childhood.

24:13And sometimes we have a rescue fantasy because it has to do with our sense of self-worth. I feel that people come to me when they need me because I can do something for them. But I don't know if they would come to me just because they fancy me. There may be others, but these are two main ones. Is it possible for me to fall out of the habit of wanting to save people? Which one of the two resonated most? I guess the first one. that I didn't get to rescue someone? Or I rescued someone and I liked it. And that's this girl? Yes. Or there was somebody before? This, especially this. So when I see how much I can help someone and how I can lift them and how I can switch their spirit, it gives me a tremendous sense of joy, a tremendous sense of power, a tremendous sense of confidence, and it makes me think that they, of course, would want to be with me because I'm doing these wonderful things for them.

25:28But then when things get better and they move on, then it completely turns on itself, and from feeling joyful in my generosity, I start to feel used and taken advantage of. and bereft and extracted. Does that describe it? Yes. I would find so much joy in making her happy. And I felt like I was doing something. But then when everyone is happy, I guess I wonder where my place is. So I want to be good. I want to share the happiness. Do you have the same split with your friends? My friends, I would say we have a good dynamic, especially my male friends. I would say it's a good relationship. How would they describe you?

26:29Smart.

26:33Good advice. A good friend. A good friend when they need me up there. And do you ever need them? I would say need, no. I like being self-sufficient. I like being my own person. So maybe need, no. Want, yes. But need, no. I'd say that's a touch too far. Yeah, a touch too far. I make sure to be in relationships where other people need me, so I never need to need them. yes I will be self-sufficient I will rely on myself I will not allow myself to depend on anyone I'm not sure I trust anybody would be as available as I can be for them and so I turned the whole thing on its head my friends call me I really call them it's not anything malicious but I guess that's just how it is but if you want to feel less used, you're going to have to dare turn this around.

27:44And you can start with your friends when the stakes are lower. Meaning you're going to call them. You're going to practice calling your friends. You're going to practice. So you do the reverse. You just go to them when you're happy and when you're struggling, you keep it to yourself. Yes, essentially. it's the opposite of what you say the women do with you but you have good friends right? you have long standing friends yes okay you can tell them you called this strange woman in New York and she put you on to an assignment you know she said if you want to stop feeling used you have to dare be vulnerable to others doesn't mean you have to go because you're suicidal or because you just have the biggest crisis in your life you just go when the sky is cloudy I think it would transform your friendships too how do I allow myself to trust them?

29:02a bit of this is a trial and error a bit of this is you start with the friends that you think are the most trustworthy a bit of this is you start with something that is not of mega proportions just something small and a bit of this is that you don't expect not to feel any vulnerability or any fear because you will and because you have zero practice, you've not done it. Your father is gone much of the time and you see him as a hero because you think he takes care of everything himself. With your mom, you have a professional relationship, as you call, which is an amazing choice of words. And then you crave a certain kind of intimacy.

29:55Yes. But your friends don't know that. Your male friends in particular don't know that. Do you have female friends too? Or mostly male friends? Mostly male friends. Right. And that's a reflection on you or on your culture? Just me. I have some female friends, some very close female friends. But I'd say my best friends, male friends. From childhood, from early on, or from college? From college. Some of my friends from childhood moved away. I don't get to see them that much, but from college, yes. My friends are here, some have moved away, some have moved to the UK, abroad, elsewhere. But yeah, I'm still here.

30:46So how does one start to let other people be there for you? Here are five things, right? You pick wise. You pick the people who you think you really are more trustworthy and you know they're not going to use it. You pick something that isn't the most big and significant, but you use something that you know you don't typically share. You practice, which means you don't expect it to feel good and fantastic on the first time. You do a trial and error and you tweak it every time. You let them take care of you. And you let yourself receive.

31:31There is still so much to talk about. So stay with us.

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