What if Dating Isn't For Me?

0:00Hi, Esther. I'm a 26-year-old woman, and the question that I'm trying to figure out is whether or not being in a relationship is right for me. So I grew up kind of expecting that I was going to find the perfect man someday and get married and have kids, and that then my life would be perfect and I would be happy and that's all I would ever need. and I've been with men that I love, but I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that made me feel happier or more fulfilled than I do when I'm single. I felt like my partners were always trying to get me to do things that I didn't want to do or to live my life in ways that I didn't want to.

0:48And I think partly that's because I'm pretty introverted and I'm also kind of a perfectionist and neither of those things is bad. Like I don't dislike those things about myself, but I think they make it very easy for me to feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in a direction that I don't want to go. So I've been kind of questioning whether even being in a relationship at all is really the right thing for me. And the problem is that I'm just worried that I'm going to end up alone in my old age. You know, right now I have my parents close by and I'm very open to the idea of having a child by myself.

1:25But once I get older and my parents are gone and my kid moves away, maybe like I don't want to be alone with no family. But I also just feel so much more myself when I'm single. So I'm trying to figure out, should I keep looking for a partner or should I just decide that I'm okay by myself? So I'm hoping that maybe you can help me with some of this.

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3:28so when I sent it in I was not seeing anyone and then about a week later actually I met someone so I've been seeing him for a couple months now so I'm just in a little bit of a different place than I was at that point. Okay. So we can go to where you were and we can go to where you are. Where would you like to begin? Where should we begin? I don't know. I think maybe both. I guess I feel sometimes like a switch flips a little bit when I'm single versus when I'm in a relationship. Give me the switch and give me the flip. And like when I'm just me, I can be who I want to be. And I get to decide how things are.

4:18And when I'm seeing someone, I feel like, you know, unintentionally, not like I'm trying to do this, but I just get sort of sucked in to that person. and I feel like everything becomes about keeping the relationship going at all costs. And I feel needy in a way that I don't feel when I'm by myself. And, you know, I've been trying to be more aware of that this time and course correct a little bit, but I still just feel like, you know, when I'm around this person that I'm seeing, I'm just totally absorbed by that. And I don't really feel like I'm in myself. and then as soon as I leave I kind of like have this moment of like like waking up again I don't know if that makes a lot of sense but shall I tell you what I'm hearing sure when I am by myself I don't experience the challenge of staying connected with myself while also connecting with someone else.

5:27When I enter a relationship, I lose the connection to myself. In fact, in order not to lose the other, I lose me. And I don't know how to experience closeness that doesn't do away with me, knowing that this doesn't come from the other person, nor does it come from what the relationship is doing to me. It actually is a vulnerability that I bring with me to relationships. Yeah. I added the last piece. I know you didn't say it. I mean, you're right, though. Yes, that's true. So tell me about it. What do you know about this part of you that starts to feel anxious, starts to want to hold on rather than hold?

6:25starts to be afraid that you're going to lose the relation of the other person. And so you make a zillion compromises with yourself that nobody asks for. And then, of course, you start to feel a kind of liberation when you're alone, which isn't really a liberation. It's primarily a liberation from this yoke and from this anxiety. There's nothing really free about it because it basically is the other side. It's the flip side of the same anxiety. In one, I hold on to the person at the exclusion of me. And in the other, I hold on to me at the exclusion of anybody else entering my orbit. Yeah, I didn't think about it that way.

7:12But I sort of smiled as I was articulating the sentence. Yeah. So what do you know about it? Because this has happened a few times. Yeah. You're young, you're 26. You're, you know, worried about being alone. At 26, to think about I'm going to be an old lady by myself and my parents are gone is an interesting worry to have. But it's because you are aware of something. You know that you carry something with you. I think, I mean, that part of it, like I've always been prone to thinking way ahead, like too much. You know, I think every time that I enter into a relationship, I'm immediately thinking about, you know, is this the right person for me to marry?

8:02And would he be a good dad? And, you know, I just like build up a whole future right away. And I think part of it is that because I do that, then if I lose the person, it's like I'm losing my future. Like I'm losing the idea of what it is going to look like. And it's scary. It's like I have to figure out my whole life all over again. I don't know. I guess the feeling anxious about, you know, like holding on tightly to the other person. I think there's part of me that just doesn't feel confident that I'm like good enough. I worry a lot that I'm going to do something wrong or that, you know, I just really have to try to be adequate.

8:52I'm not sure I followed you.

8:59I'm not sure that I'm good enough for what? To stay with. That they will want to stay with me. And therefore I turn myself into a pretzel. Yeah. And I try to imagine what they want me to be. Yeah. Which they may or may not even have asked for. Mm-hmm. Because in fact, maybe they were drawn to the me that is not trying to twist herself into... Yes. Huh? Yeah. So you've had other relationships, right? Mm-hmm. How long have they lasted? A couple of them, just a few months, and then I was with someone for about two years. Okay. So give me a little bit of the story. You are falling in love with me or you're drawn to me, but wait till you get to know me and you won't want to stay one extra hour yeah I think it's at the beginning like before I have feelings for the person really when I'm still just getting to know him I have an easier time kind of staying myself and having boundaries and you know in a healthy way and then it's like as soon as I start to feel attached or like I'm starting to fall in love a little bit, I just kind of switch into this, like do everything that I have to, to convince him to stay.

10:26And have you ever wondered about that? Yeah. It's just like, it's like, I'm aware of it. I'm very aware of it, but it's like, I can't, I can't stop myself sometimes, you know? And how have you made sense of it for yourself? When I have no feelings for you, I'm very comfortable being in my own skin, in my own body, in my own self-reflection. And I appreciate that you may be interested in me, and I think there's a lot to be interested in. Yeah. But the minute I start to love you or have feelings for you, they come with an intense sense of needing you. And the love and the needs start to get confused.

11:13And the minute I start to need you, I start to think that you're not going to want me. I never think, do you need me? It's all self-referential. Yeah. Right? So I start to think you're not going to want me because my neediness is going to push you away.

11:35Now, clarify that for me.

11:42There's something about hearing it repeated back, right? Yeah, no, I mean, that's all very accurate. I think, I don't know, would you like me to clarify what else are you looking for? I feel like you just said it perfectly. I am just identifying the sequence. I don't know what propels the sequence. Okay. And I don't know if you do, so we are going to excavate this together. Right? Right. Somehow, the minute I develop feelings for you, it comes with the fear that you're not going to want to be with me. Yeah. Now, these two are so connected that you don't even ask yourself, how come? It's as if it makes sense.

12:34It doesn't, by definition. It's not a logical thing. Because I have feelings for you, I instantly start to fear rejection, fear abandonment. well but I mean like when you when you care about something that comes with a fear of losing it yes yes but that is a philosophical term not something that instantly makes you twist yourself disconnect from yourself yeah disassociate from your own needs feelings wishes experience and mold yourself into something that you imagine you should be. Yeah. That's very different from something that I very much believe indeed, that of course when you care about something, you also experience the fear of losing that thing.

13:26But that doesn't mean that you therefore start to do a job on yourself. A remake. Yeah. It just means that you live with a set of complex, interconnected feelings. Yeah. Meaning that the reality of the feelings doesn't explain the extreme of the behavior. I think sometimes I've felt like I start to fall in love with someone and I just, I want it to continue and I want to keep it. and I sort of decide that like the only way that I can guarantee that it won't fall apart is by making everything about me perfect because I can't control what the other person does or feels right like the only thing I can control is myself and so I I think I just try to sort of like do everything I can on my end hoping that that will make up for anything that's not you know perfect on his end or something like that does it work no okay just wanted to establish definitely not because the more you do that and the more anxious you become that the first mishap will lead to the ultimate cataclysm.

14:58So you put yourself in a terrible strain. Yeah. Because you say, I can't control, but in fact, you are constantly watching what you think is the control of the other over you. Yeah, I know. It ends up feeling like he's controlling me, but I don't think it's always really that.

15:32We have to take a brief break, so stay with us. And let's see where this goes.

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18:37Most importantly, they're covered by insurance. 91 % of MIDI patients get relief from symptoms within just two months. You deserve to feel great. Book your virtual visit today at joinmidi.com. That's joinmidi.com. did you have any of these feelings at home um like with my family yeah i mean i am a psychologist i'm gonna yeah i'm a psychotherapist i ask therapeutic questions yes therapy like yeah um i think when i was a kid my so my dad was the stay-at-home parent and he you know he spent a lot of time with us with me and my brother and he did so much as a parent and he was also at the same time pretty pretty critical and he had very high standards and I felt like when he would be upset about something that I had done or you know tell me to do something different or disapproving in whatever way the you know the way that it felt to me like I don't know if it felt to me like he was saying you're just not good enough you're not worthy you're not smart enough you're not hard-working enough like that's how it landed on me and I don't think that he was intending for it to feel that way but when I was little like you know seven or eight or something like that the way that I would deal with it a lot of times was he would say something to me that would make me feel like I was a terrible person and I would like go in my room and cry a little bit and then like the way I would kind of pull myself out of it was by it sounds so silly but I would just like make a list of all the things that were wrong with me and decide that like the next day I was going to fix all these things.

20:46And it just felt like a way to kind of be proactive and do something about it, you know, and try to avoid feeling like that again. So I would go to my room and I would outdo my dad. I would make a list that was even more exhaustive than his. I would pick myself apart. Mm-hmm. And I would make promises to myself that I would fix every imperfection, everything that could be improved upon. Yeah. And inside, there were two dominant feelings. The inadequacy on my side, but also on some level the rage and the anger toward the man. with whom I needed to get into this elaborate ladder of self-criticism.

21:49I've never really felt angry towards him. I mean, maybe it's deep down in there, but I've never really experienced any of that as anger. I know. I know. You have to experience plenty of anger, but towards yourself. Yeah, maybe. if I start to make a long list of all the things I'm going to change I'm not being super kind with myself I mean this little girl at 7 or 8 what does she say to her? how did she speak to herself? do you remember? not nice yeah I mean when I was really upset I would just say all kinds of terrible things and just, I mean, even things that I didn't even really think were true.

22:37I would just say mean things to myself. Such as, you're in your room. I mean, that little girl is alive and well. Like, I mean, like everything from, you know, stupid and lazy and mean and like I would call myself fat even though I wasn't and I knew I wasn't and that wasn't even an issue in what my parents thought or what I thought of myself, you know, just like throw everything mean that I could think of at myself.

23:14So I was angry with me. Yeah.

23:20And when I think I'm better off alone, it's that voice. I'm angry with you for what you make me feel about me I want nothing to do with you yeah men, partners lifelong companions, etc yeah it's not an anger that calls them by names but it's an anger that says I'd rather be alone yeah, it feels easier you know but there's a fuck you in there probably it's a good fuck you but you need to be able to say it without having to deprive yourself without having to isolate yourself as a way to disempower them so they have not such influence and control over you You will isolate yourself from them, but it doesn't solve anything.

24:29It's just the other side of I'm angry with me and I put myself down, or I'm angry with you and I take away any opportunity you would have to boss me around. I turned that into, like in my head, I turned it into if I decide to stay single and be a single mom by choice, then I'm making a statement about how strong women can be. right and like you know but yeah I think what you're saying makes more sense than that we are not strong because we don't need anybody yeah that is one of the weirdest thoughts yeah and I know it's true I do and I believe that it's just about like feeling it instead of just believing it in my mind.

25:27So if we go back to that little girl in her room who is basically hitting herself with words, with put-downs, harder than her dad did. Yeah. So that in some weird way, if I do it to myself, you're not doing it to me and then I'm going to promise myself redemption tomorrow morning I'll come back transformed perfect I'll come back perfect so you can't pick at anything and of course that wasn't possible so then what would happen what happened with that critical self the meaning harsh voice inside of you over the years where did it go um i don't really speak to myself that way anymore one of the things that bugs me is that i'm a pretty confident person in most of my life in my work and with my friends and and even with my family I like my relationship with my dad is much easier now.

26:50And I don't feel like this is really an issue that I have that much, except in the context of romantic relationships. And it's like I just regress and become a different person than I am in the rest of my life. And I don't really like who I am in that context, you know. Do you remember a time when you noticed that instead of criticizing yourself and picking, you actually thought, oh, I'm all right. I'm okay. I did well. I mean, I definitely became aware that I was speaking to myself in an unkind way and I worked on not doing that anymore. How did you do it? And I guess I had to sort of just let go of being the best at everything.

27:48I think for a long time that voice, you know, my dad's voice or my voice or whatever it was, was kind of my main source of motivation to do things like to be high achieving and really everything that I was doing in my life. and at a certain point I just kind of stopped worrying as much about being perfect but now I feel like I don't know where to get motivation as well I feel like it was all from this judgment this criticism and that's another thing just kind of apart from relationships that I've been thinking about a lot lately is like how do I get myself to want to do something yeah I want to be more or better if it doesn't come from a place where I kick myself.

28:39Yeah, exactly. Have you tried? Yeah. I mean, I think there's a lot of things that I want to do that take dedication and hard work. For example? um well like I'm so I'm a violinist and I went through kind of a stage of not you know I used to practice a ton like kind of obsessively and that was definitely driven by a lot of this self-criticism and then I kind of stopped doing that for a while because I was just burned out and I was tired of like evaluating myself based on how well I played the violin. And now I really, I would like to be practicing more consistently than I do. But I don't know, it's just hard to find the internal motivation now, now that I don't have that voice saying like, you're gonna mess up this audition or you're not gonna know your music for this gig or whatever.

29:48I can't really find a place of just enjoyment and wanting to do it for myself. And do you fail the audition? No. But I'm not usually as perfectly prepared as I would like to be in an ideal world. But did you miss the audition? No. No. So you still get to perform. You play solo, you play parts of orchestras? In an orchestra. Big orchestras or chambers? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Symphony. Okay. So, do I hear you correct? I am less tense. I don't kick my fingers with my bow. And yet, I'm not doing any less well. I just feel that the tight jaw and the harshness isn't present. and I became so used to identifying that harshness with motivation and drive.

30:52And when I don't have that negative energy inside of me, it almost feels like there is no energy or no drive at all. Yeah. But when I look at the actual outcome, it's not necessarily true. Yeah, that's fair.

31:17How does that, how do I transfer that into a relationship with a person? Into my love life? Yeah. Let's stay with this because it's good to go and look in a different part of life and then see what we can apply. I mean, watch this, right? For years, saying to myself, you're stupid, you're nil, nothing's going to come out of you. What the hell is wrong? Push yourself, try harder, etc. Fundamentally, it convinced you that your strength, your drive, your persistence, your six hours of practice a day came from that. Nothing to do with the love of the violin. A little bit. There was some of that.

32:07The poor violin is part of the story after all. But something inside of you convinced yourself, equated harshness with drive or motivation. And the harshness with motivation than with success. But when you look at what has changed, you realize that by being slightly less self-critical and less harsh, less abusive toward yourself, honestly, you still have the drive. On occasion, maybe not as intensely. I'm not sure if that means you're less prepared. I think you may have been as less prepared back then because you put as much energy into the fretting around it. But in any case, it doesn't change the outcome.