Ep. 104 7 Steps To Create the Future You Want and Change Your Mindset Forever With Roxie Nafousi

0:07roxy nafusi is a self-development coach and bestselling author known for her empowering and transformative approach to self-help but what really sets her apart I would say is her incredible personal journey. Before becoming a beacon of positivity Roxy faced significant personal struggles including battles with drug abuse and addiction. Her story is one of profound transformation moving from a place of darkness to becoming a guiding light for others looking to change their lives. She is the mind behind the groundbreaking book Manifest which is all about seven steps to living your best lives making the concept of manifestation accessible and actionable for everyone.

0:42I will be honest and I've said this before, I have always been a little sceptical of manifesting and I talked about this with Roxy in this episode because I feel like we all have different views on it based on the fact that it's definitely become a bit of a buzzword and I will say that I think I quite misunderstood it and we'll go into this in the episode but what I really wanted from this episode is for it to be an actionable guide on how to make it work for you and Roxy really distilled it into such simple terms. I said at the beginning of this episode to Roxy that I wanted this to be an episode where people could listen to it on a walk and come back from that walk.

1:19You know when you just listen to a podcast and you're like right I'm just gonna go and make this happen. I'm gonna get clear on what I want from my life. I'm gonna get clear on what I need to do to make that happen, who I need to cut from my life, where I need to move forward to what I'm going to set in place and she did not disappoint like let me tell you that I honestly I don't think you can listen to this episode and not feel like raring to go for a big life change or cementing in kind of exactly where you want to get to this is Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad O-Pill is the first over-the-counter daily birth control Opil available in the US.

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3:47Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you for having me. I've wanted to do this for ages. honestly i have wanted to speak to you for so long this is a specific episode you listen to on a walk where you're like i want to either change my life or reach some certain goal that i haven't been reaching yet or whatever it might be like to me that is what you're all about and i want to i want this to be like a pep talk oh my god i'm here for it i'm here for it and no pressure just change someone's fucking life or you're out they must reach all their goals um and in this one walk they need to change their whole life so I'll be bearing that in mind um at the beginning of every episode I ask people whether they are more working hard or hardly working um working hard yeah 100 % yeah I always say you know I think we'll go into it I'm sure but you know with manifesting um one of the misconceptions around it is that it's just about wishful thinking or you know dreaming um and waiting for things to happen but you cannot think your way to success You have to work hard.

4:48You have to put it in. And, you know, I'm definitely doing that. No, 100%. And we have a lot of people talking on here about, you know, you make your own luck. Like some luck is absolutely given to us. Like there are a huge amount of things that we are incredibly lucky just to be born with. But I also, the amount of people who have come on this podcast to say, you know, they were going at things again and again and again and again. and actually that really being involved in making your own luck and making your own kind of um you know opening yourself up for opportunities which I think is a lot of what manifestation is about um I'd like to start at the very beginning just to get some context on you could you tell me a bit about what you were like as a young person like did you always have big dreams I basically I'm Iraqi both my parents are Iraqi um so I've come from like immigrant parents um grew up sort of To be honest, it was not a sort of like happy childhood.

5:44I was definitely suffering from depression from the age of 12. And only like sort of in hindsight, can I see that. So I definitely didn't have things like a positive mindset. I didn't have any work ethic. But I was very academic, like naturally. And my dad, you know, is highly, highly intelligent, lacks emotion completely, but is highly intelligent. So he was sort of teaching me about like the 12 laws of business, like his own 12 laws of business and quantum physics and from a very, very young age. And it was always, you know, look after the pennies, the pounds will look after themselves. It was, you know, he was really instilling that in me.

6:28And he is extremely hardworking. So even though I wasn't that as a child, I definitely learned a lot from him, I think. But always liked writing at school. I would say that was the only thing that I can really see from my childhood has led to where I am now in terms of my career. But what happened was once I left school at 18, I moved straight to London to study psychology at Goldsmith University and discovered cocaine and basically thought that that was far more fun than studying. And it was an escape from the unhappiness and the depression and the self-loathing. I mean, I had crippling self-loathing.

7:15I mean, I despised myself. I'd always felt like an outsider. You know, I think because I was Iraqi and growing up in Oxford and I was badly bullied for a long time and all this. But, you know, I then really did nothing with my life or my 20s. So where I am now is definitely very different to what I was doing. You've been quite open about how your work stems from the personal struggles that you did have with drugs, for example. At what point did that turn from something that was quite harmful to you? And as you say, like an escape from your self-loathing and what you were coming up again and again, it was an escape rather than, you know, dealing with it, all of these different things.

7:58How did that turn into this? I'm so interested in what the turning point was? I went to my first NA meeting when I was 21. So I knew it was just Narcotics Anonymous. So I knew I was an addict from 21. And then I didn't give up until I was 28, just for context. So I think throughout that time, I had like tried to give up on many occasions. And anyone that's suffering with addiction will absolutely know that process of this is it, I'm going to change, and then you fall back into old habits. And one of the times I did that was in May 2018. so I had decided in one of my I'm going to change my life to book a yoga teacher training course and that was for the April 2018 so I booked this yoga teacher training course and I was like because I'd had I had no job I wasn't working I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life but I did always practice yoga because I had really bad back so I thought okay like maybe this could be it so I booked myself to enter a retreat in Thailand and you go and it's 200 hours of yoga it's a month intensive course, you know, you're meditating every day, you've got no access to any of your vices.

9:03And so I was really confident that this would be it. Like this would be the thing that changes me. And I really went like with such good intentions. And when I was there, I saw a monk who read my palm and he was like, there's a fork on your palm and it's for like very wise people and you're here to teach. And I was like, oh my God, yeah, like I am. I'm here to teach yoga. You're so right. That was actually why I made this course. I was like, fantastic. So I go home with thinking like, great. And when I land in England, a friend of mine calls me and she's like, oh, there's this art dinner opening tonight.

9:43Do you want to come? And I was like, great. Like I was feeling like tanned and fresh and doing all this yoga. I was like, can't wait. And I get to her hotel because she's getting ready and it's 4pm and she pulls out a bag of Coke and she's like, do you want a lime? And I was like, yeah, go on then. And so within 24 hours of being back in London, I was right back where I was before. And I ended up going on this sort of 48 hour bender and I did lots and lots of things I regret and woke up from that feeling so full of shame and regret and guilt and a real feeling of hopelessness, you know, thinking nothing is going to cure me like if that yoga retreat hasn't cured me then what will so I called a friend of mine Sophia who um is quite spiritually inclined and she was like oh babe don't worry about it just listen to this podcast on manifesting I listened to it last night and I was like fuck it I'll try anything sounds like the solution seemed very simple I was like, great.

10:46So I listened to this podcast and something in me just clicked. And I think what clicked was that manifesting was all about self-worth and I had no self-worth. So perhaps I was manifesting, but in the wrong direction. And to define manifesting for anyone listening that doesn't know, you know, manifesting is using the power of your mind to change and create the reality you experience. And to manifest literally means to make it happen. And I went home and I started researching manifestation. And two weeks later, on the 7th of June, 2018, a man named Wade messaged me on a dating app. And on the 7th of June, 2019, a year to the day our baby boy Wolf was born.

11:31And what happened was I then used this practice to transform and change my life in every way imaginable. And I mean, going back to the original question, it was just like, how did that get me to kind of where I am in terms of my career? Was that what happened was it was actually very organic. So I didn't at that point sort of start thinking I'm going to use my struggles to make a career. What happened was I had quite a small Instagram following at the time and I was always very open and vulnerable about what I was going through and my experiences. And the reason I was, was because I had felt at the time that social media was a very hard place to be as somebody that was suffering from depression, because all you would see was like a lot of joy and happiness and perfect lives, which is still the case now, but at least there's another side of it whereas back then nobody was talking about the other side of things mental health wasn't really discussed and I knew how like I remember seeing you know pictures of people just like happy and feeling so triggered by it and nobody was talking about the other side of things so I felt well if I can just like talk about the fact that I'm suffering from depression and that I'm not you know and all these other things then I might just be giving someone that feeling of like relief or not feeling so alone.

12:52So I was really open about my journey and what I was going through and then what I was using to start making myself feel better. And when I had got pregnant with Wolf, what had happened was a week before I found out I was pregnant and I think it was absolutely a gift from the universe was I started something called Agni Aunt Sundays on my Instagram stories. And every Sunday I would just get people to ask me a question and I would give advice. And I don't really know why I decided to do that, but I'd always loved giving people advice. And hey, the monk said I was wise, so fuck it. Here to teach, here to teach, guys.

13:24So I was like, this is it, Instagram stories, where's it at? So I start doing these, kind of answering these questions. And then every week, more and more people were sort of writing in. And when I was going through my pregnancy, I was in a really, really, really dark place. I'd had to give up cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol very suddenly. And basically 28 years of pain just came rushing out. And, you know, it was an extremely dark time of my life. There are no words to really describe how horrendous it was. The self-hate, the, I mean, I wasn't leaving, I just stopped leaving the house for about six months.

14:07It was really awful. It was really awful. But every Sunday I had this sense of like purpose. And I think that's where it began is I knew that I was here to help other people and I was going to use all my pain and use it for something good. And at the same time, I was immersing myself, not just in manifesting, but in self-development as a whole. So I was listening to so many different speakers from Brené Brown, Tony Robbins, Jay Shetty. I was reading Mo Gaudat's book, you know, Robin Sharma. Like I was reading as much as I could, listening, watching motivational YouTube videos, trying all these practices and almost sort of like brainwashing myself with self-development.

14:49And at the time I was so inspired by Brené Brown. I loved the fact that she could like speak on stage. and something that really appealed to me was that if somebody's going through a dark time and they're struggling, you can read one thing or you can listen to one person on stage, say one particular line that can change the course of your life forever because it just gives you that penny drop moment. So I thought I want to be a speaker and that's what I want to do. I want to motivate and inspire people. And so when I gave birth to Wolf, I decided to host my first workshop, which was, self-love and that went really well and then I said to my audience I've been doing this thing called manifesting should I do it and you want to learn about it and they said yes and so I did my second one and that's when I came up with my seven step guide to manifesting oh my god that was so long and I'm so sorry no that was so like it's so incredibly interesting and I feel like the journey is a very important part of like how like you can't understand anyone's context without like really truly going into those things because I think for example like you having said that you moved to London and immediately discovered drugs and immediately went into this lifestyle and that didn't stop until like 10 years later I what I'm really interested in is the journey between self-loathing and self-love because we've got to a point now essentially or now in your story where you were able to stand up and teach people how to experience self-love but from your own admission you were at a point where you you know before that you'd had a real amount of self-loathing you said you had no self-worth all of that I'd love to know how you built that up between those two times so that you could get to a point where you were actually like not only do I have self-love but I'm also able to teach it to other people well I think when it comes to that kind of like self-love journey.

16:47Actually, I was teaching it, but I was definitely still on it myself. And I think that to be honest with you, I would say I've only found true confidence and felt truly at peace with myself in the last six months. And I think that part of the reason that actually I was able to speak with other people and help them is because I was on the journey with them. And I don't think I was coming from a I'm perfect I found this like place this is what you should do it was like guys we're in it together let's use these techniques let's use manifestation let's heal let's open the conversation let's immerse ourselves in self-development um and and go on it together and I think that that was it and I think that self-love is you know such a big big topic and there's so many different elements of it and you know for me it was finding confidence and you know I think everybody finds feels more confident in different areas of their lives so for me I started finding real confidence in like my purpose and my career and you know how I was at work and you know what I could being able to stand on stage but I also built that confidence you know like I say on the journey and using manifestation to help me do that yeah I think that's really powerful too because I do think that like there's probably this misconception that anyone who's talking about these things has it figured out like if you have a therapist you don't expect that they have no no life problems yeah you know if you i don't know it's it's so interesting our approach to self-love in that we for some reason expect to be it to be entirely different to love we give other people in that we know that love we give other people it might be unconditional at its core but it also fluctuates like there are going to be times where the person you love you're like oh fucking hell like oh my god this is hard today um whereas like the second we have that about ourselves we lose we don't lose that person's worth when we fluctuate in that way whereas like when it's with ourselves we expect to have this like unwavering self-love and actually if it's not in an all-time high then we start we like very quickly low yo-yo down to like really low self-worth and it's so funny because like every time I hear someone speaking about having low self-worth from an external point of view it's like oh but why would you have low self-worth like that's you know like that's like ridiculous like at least just pretend because you're amazing and like no one needs to know and all of that and I think we all have that perception of other people yeah and I think when you start like I find it really helpful to think of the way I think of other people in that way and apply it to myself in that I'm like okay well if anyone knew I was feeling like this they'd probably just be like okay well that's definitely something you need to work on because you will become so much more powerful as you said when you're not manifesting in the wrong direction when you are convincing you if you're convincing yourself every day that you're a bad person with no self-worth and you're not going to achieve anything then yeah that's probably going to come true and I think it's so interesting from an external perspective what would you say the biggest things you did to improve your self-worth overall were oh gosh I mean I feel like there were so many things that I did I think one of the most important things was figuring out the root cause of all that self-hatred and pain and I think that you know I used to think in the beginning when I you know first started going on this healing journey let's call it um is I used to think oh well like what's the point in looking backwards like I just want to look forward.

20:27I just want to focus on, you know, forward momentum. And I don't want to go to therapy and I don't want to look at my past. Like what's the fucking point? But I truly don't believe anybody can liberate themselves from like the shackles of their past unless they start to acknowledge them and process the trauma that we've been through. And we've all been through varying degrees of trauma. And, you know, I think that for all of us, we're born into this world full of confidence and self-worth and like you just have to look at kids like they love themselves do you know what I mean like you see a girl walking down the street as Elsa and she's like so fucking proud like she's not thinking like oh my god what's that person thinking of me like they're just they had just it's so beautiful to see that kind of like true confidence and authenticity and it's magnetic and then life happens to us and to varying degrees we all come to believe basically that we are not enough as we are.

21:19And then we start compounding those beliefs throughout our life until we get to a point where we're like, oh my God, I'm exhausted of feeling this way. And I just want to feel worthy of love and happiness and success and abundance. And then we have to figure out when did we first start to feel that we weren't enough? Was it our peers? Was it our teachers? Was it our parents or caregivers? You know, when did this happen? and address it. And, you know, things like inner child work have been really incredible for me. I've tried RTT with Marissa Peer, which is where you kind of do a hypnosis, but you go back to the kind of like first time you form those beliefs.

21:55So that kind of work has been really beneficial to me. But then using other techniques day to day have helped things like using affirmations, falling asleep to affirmation meditations, changing the way that I talk to myself, you know, the things that people hear all the time is like you know you have to control that inner critic and talk to yourself but you know you have to be so strict with yourself to do that it's a it's a real effort you know when you leave a meeting and your mind is going oh my god i fucked up i was so shit and everybody hates me you know it's you have to really use a lot of energy to be able to go let me stop those thoughts in its track and let me find a new narrative but when you commit to doing that over and over again you do start to think differently and your kind of automatic response is a kinder and more compassionate one it's so funny because I like I'm very strict with myself and my mind in the way because I have like a very very constant and fast in a monologue it's like it drives me insane but I also like I especially over the past few years I've got like very good at controlling that in a monologue in terms of being like even if you can't find a positive way to spin this at the moment like as you say you've got to change the narrative if you can't find a positive way to spin it you're gonna have to stop thinking overall like i'm literally you're now meditating for the next 10 minutes and i'll literally be like block and like it's really funny because first of all you feel absolutely insane but also i feel like it is important to like sometimes you just need to parent yourself like sometimes you literally need to be like if you're not going to say anything nice then you're actually not allowed to say anything and then I'm just sitting there like there's nothing do you know I saw a great TikTok that was like I can't it said it just came up and it said what is your next thought and basically what happens is when someone says to you what's your next thought I mean you can try and the first listening can try this now your mind goes fucking blank you've got nothing I'm like oh my god what is my next thought and I do that all the time now if my mind is racing I'm like what's my next thought and then I'm like oh I don't know sweet sweet fuck all it's lovely to feel peace for once yeah that is so true I'm gonna use that now I feel like that's that's very very helpful but I do feel like I don't know I think we have this idea of like this unwavering self-love and self-worth and the fact that you change your inner monologue forever and all of that and actually like it's just I think our high expectations of that often get in the way of like the reality behind actually like yeah you're gonna have days where you're tired and you think you have like a negative bias or you've been through a few things in a row and you know you've got some bad criticism at work or like whatever it might be and you just keep you do create these spirals for yourself like and I'm not saying that you know there are obviously horrible things that happen that create a spiral that are very hard to stop but I also think that like there is a certain element of discipline and being able to stop yourself in your tracks and just be like that is not the way we're going to think today and actually to continue thinking that way is just self-indulgent and very like like I often do it and I'm like you are it's all it's like self-harm like you're doing it on purpose and you're spiraling it because that's making you feel like it's like listening to sad songs when you're sad like you are indulging that and it's making you feel worse and you're making yourself feel worse because at least then you feel soothed by like how bad it is and actually just sometimes being able to be like stop like stop right there like that's not the way we're gonna think today even if it's literally that hard and you have to go and sit in a room and stare at the wall until you can behave it's like not today satan yeah like not today like if you're you have to be able to i always always always say this i said this in a post about entrepreneurship the other day like at some point for example like my journey with entrepreneurship has meant that at some point you've got to realize that it's always going to be a shit show and if it's always a shit show and you always feel terrible because of it and you feel like every day your day is ruined when some some inevitable problem happens like I'm sure you know like 90 % of our deliveries have probably been like late this year and it's thrown something in and then it's meant that we've lost money and we've had to put you know move something somewhere if I hadn't got to the point where I was like that is going to happen and it's still going to be annoying it's still going to be incredibly frustrating and it's still probably going to lose us some money and it's still going to throw some things in there and people are going to feel overworked they're going to feel whatever if I constantly feel like that's unexpected and just feel terrible about it then I'm going to create like a terrible life for myself like either you get out of that job or you start being able to like control your narrative when it comes to like how you feel in that moment.

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27:51And I want to go into the seven steps because obviously with your book, it is all about seven steps to living your best life. Could you talk us through the seven steps themselves? I can't. How long we got? For the full version, you've got to get the book. For the full version. Okay, so I'll run you through really quickly, sort of top line. And I think when it comes to manifesting, I think what's really important to say is, like we kind of touched on at the very beginning, there are lots of misconceptions around this word. And it's because people are using the word in this kind of like, it's almost become like this term people use in a sentence, but they're just using it completely the wrong way.

28:29They're like, oh, I manifested this coffee. It's like, no, you just bought it. You know, or whatever. So I think people are definitely using the term in the wrong way and it's giving manifesting a bad rep. So I often say I feel like I'm the PR of manifesting doing damage control. Because in its essence, it's a practice that is really rooted in science, wisdom. For some people, it's spirituality, not for everyone. But it is a really when you kind of, when I go through these seven steps, what you'll see. And for anyone listening that's a bit on the fence about manifesting, you'll see that there is basically no way that anybody could follow these seven steps.

29:05and not change their lives because it's really practical. It's so easy for everyone to do. It's action-based and it is about putting you in the driving seat. So it's not this kind of like passive process. It's actually a very proactive one. And when you can figure out how to use the power that is within you to change your life, it is remarkable. So step one is be clear in your vision and by the way if you as like an entrepreneur these steps are so sort of like they're so relevant like even just running a business you can really use this for for everything um so step one is be clear in your vision essentially you can't get to where you want to go until you know what unless you know where it is you are headed um so this step really is all about just creating those clear goals um figuring out who you want to be um i think sometimes that's really the most important question of manifesting is like who do I want to become who's the most empowered version of myself that can exist um and in the book I give lots of kind of tips on like how to make like a proper vision board um and how to um use visualization meditations to really help you and there is lots of neuroscience behind visualization meditations and and and deep visualization because essentially it primes the subconscious part of your brain to reach goals so it will filter out unwanted information and seek out opportunity that are aligned with your goals.

30:30So that's step one, easy. Not easy for everyone. Some people, by the way, I will say, some people will be like, but I don't know what I want. That's a very common question I get asked. What if I don't know what I want? I would say that you can know how you want to feel. So you can know, I want to feel more confident, more energized, more at peace, more content. so step two is probably the most important step of the manifesting process and really it's what makes this a self-development practice and step two is remove fear and doubt so fear and doubt is a culmination of all our insecurities low self-worth limiting beliefs and the secret of manifesting sort of like the big secret that everybody needs to know is that you manifest what you subconsciously believe you are worthy of receiving so um if you were manifesting a dream house, but you didn't believe you were really worthy of it.

31:21You wouldn't be able to attract it into your life. And I think that this step is also, it's the one that requires the sort of inner work and the healing that we discussed earlier. But I would definitely say that it's, it's the hardest, it's the hardest step, but it can't really be skipped. And I think that it's especially difficult with people manifesting love. It's usually the hurdle that they have the most, I think, because what you'll find is in different areas of your life, you can manifest more or less easily. So you might feel very confident at work and you feel like I am worthy of success and abundance in that area of my life.

31:57And it's quite easy for you to manifest. But then when it comes to love, you know, there are these really deep rooted traumas around, you know, having unconditional love and respect. And it's a lot, the healing journey required for that is far greater so it takes a lot a lot longer um but within the book i give lots of different sort of techniques of things that you can use day to day to help you on that journey like affirmations and and changing that um narrative um but this does also require that therapy that we kind of discussed earlier as well i was actually listening to a podcast earlier this week on what you need to heal in order to have a good relationship and obviously so much of our general trauma like no matter how big or how small fully affects our love life from then onwards like it just it does it's the way we see what we deserve it's the way we like for example if you have parents that were never there you'll go for someone that doesn't prioritize you like it's it's a it's a pain you know it's a pain you expect so you're able to deal with it and I think one of the biggest parts of that is even if you're not able to even if you still have that tendency the self-awareness around having even started doing that work makes such a big difference because you're able to just be like do you know what yes no that was definitely the wrong person to go for again but I know why and I feel like some of the when I see it happening like there's one of my friends for example that she constantly goes for the wrong people and it's constantly validating something that happened in her past and like I'm just waiting for her to be able to get beyond that because it's like you're it doesn't matter what the actual reality is you've got this narrative in your head because of what happened to you and you're able to and essentially you go for people that prove that to you again and again and again and until you and like this takes different amounts of work and obviously different amounts of people different people have had different amounts of trauma but like until you're really aware of why you respond in a certain way to certain things and why you seek out certain things because of whatever no matter why it was but like until you know that it is so hard to create a healthy relationship with anyone else with yourself like with self-love as a whole like I would go as far as to say that it's like almost impossible yeah I think I mean you're absolutely right because all of this work begins with self-awareness and I think this I I know that there will absolutely be some people listening being like I just don't know where to start with this stuff like healing feels like what the fuck are you really talking about yeah what do I do and I would say that so much of this is like it's just recognizing patterns and just being aware of a pattern is actually enough to spark a change so it's not that you have to go through like six months of trauma therapy you know not everybody has to do that it can just be that you really just have that light bulb moment of I can see why I'm doing this So let's say, like, I'll give it like a personal example.

35:00So I clearly have abandonment issues. Right. And what would always happen for me is if somebody would leave, even in a really sort of, let's say it was someone that I worked with. So it could be someone that joined my team and then they left. And in the beginning, when somebody would leave, or even if it was, and it clearly was like nothing to do with me, for me, it would feel so triggering. I would be absolutely devastated. It would be really difficult. It would take me a really long time to recover from it until I was able to go, wow, why am I taking this so personally? Why is this person leaving my team?

35:40Why does it feel like a parent is leaving me or a partner is leaving me? And just being able to recognize that that was coming from an old idea or an old pain, I was able to sit back and go, okay, let me actually just be clear about what is happening now and find evidence to show me that actually it's not personal and it's not a repeat of history. And then the next time it happened, it didn't feel so bad. And then the time after that, you know, someone on my team who I absolutely adore has just told me she's moving to Australia. And I took me about 10 seconds to process it. And then I was like, fuck, I'm so happy for her, you know, and that's growth.

36:20So I think it's really about just being able to recognize patterns. And people should constantly be asking themselves, anytime you are triggered with a negative emotion or a challenging emotion like anger, frustration, sadness, whatever it is that's coming up for you, question where it's really coming from. because we know that it's really never coming from the situation at hand. I mean, sometimes it is. Someone's a dick and we're pissed off. I get it. But often our reaction is not a kind of, it doesn't correlate to the actual event. And that's when we just need to ask ourselves, okay, what's really going on here?

36:56And the more we do that, that's the healing we need without necessarily having to go to therapy. Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. What's next? Step three is align your behavior. so this is really about being proactive so if i was to say that step two remove fear and doubt is really about this nurturing it's about this feminine energy it's about reparenting yourself and healing step three is much more about this masculine energy it's about proactivity it's about taking steps forward stepping outside your comfort zone and essentially aligning your behavior with the person you want to become or the goals that you want to reach.

37:37And so, I mean, you will know this well, and I'm sure you practice this in everything you do. It's really about showing up as your future self. It's about, you know, doing the things you need to do to reach your goals and not sitting back and waiting. So for me, this is a very like energizing step. And it really reminds me to be constantly doing things that make me uncomfortable. It's about thinking about how can I step into the character of my future self and make things happen. Yeah, I believe in that so strongly because I feel like any time I've almost regressed and started, like, for example, something's really got to me and I've thought, I need to react to this.

38:20Like, I need to react to this. I need to respond to this. And then I've kind of thought, okay, well, you also told yourself a month ago that this person was the person you wanted to be in your career. Like, you wanted to be that specific person you wrote that down and you said their career now is what you'd like would that person ever act in the way you are about to act and then I sit back down and I eat my breakfast and I move on with my day and I think it is so true and it like rings true in all different things it rings true in relationships it rings like whatever it might be and it takes different amounts of efforts for each time but I do really think there's like so much in being like Like, okay, I've written down or I've made a vision board, like, exactly what I want to be and where I want to be and why I want to be there and what that looks like and how that feels.

39:04Would that person in that state or in that career or in that whatever, would that person do what I'm about to do if they wouldn't? Do you know what? I did the exact same thing with my style. So I was doing a closet. I was like I need to up level my wardrobe because part I think you know part manifests about feeling your best it's like and how what you how you dress like impacts that impacts how you feel I was doing a closet um like clear out and my friend Julia was with me and she was like who's just think of a style icon and I was like Rose Henderson-Whiteley every day she's amazing and she pulled out these like tiny denim shorts and she was like would Rosie wear these I was Rosie would not wear these.

39:47They're out. And actually it really fucking worked. I was like, Rosie wouldn't be seen dead. And this nasty gal. Heels. They're out. And you can really do that with your life. I think it's so like, I don't know, I think it for as well, as well, for example, like in dating, I remember my first experience with manifesting was really not that i mean to be fair i think i'd like dabbled before i think i i definitely misunderstood like i definitely saw it as the like wishful thinking just sit there manifest this you'll get it um which actually what you're talking about is obviously like everything you've done is very like much rooted in like self-awareness psychology undoing like like healing yourself all of these different things but my first experience was actually on tiktok the well-known research department of our generation um there was like a tiktok being like you know write down a diary entry this date in a year's time so and write it in the present tense so rather than writing like i will be blah blah like write all about your life write about your finances your relationship like all of this and be very specific and i remember like writing that out it was a useful thing in itself because i was like oh like i've just done this and i've just done this and like this is what my friends are like and blah blah blah and I remember writing it out and it also told me that some things like were not right because I was like oh I can't even write this here with the other things like that's far too much or like that's you know like that's not actually where I want to be or I can't excel at this while excelling at this so that was useful in itself but when it came to relationship as well like I remember writing down like very specifically what my relationship was like and at the time I was single and I just wrote down very clearly like this is what they're like and this is what the relationship is like and this is what you know it this is what's great about it blah blah blah and I remember then like just a usual type who I probably would have gone on like a date with I was like talking to and then I was like oh would the me that wrote that next year like if she's trying to get closer to that would she go on a date with that man and I was like please be for real stop replying do you know everybody needs to fucking do that I love that but I think it's true and I think you can both use it in work and also in that one it's like well when you're saying you want a partner that does like all of these things and is supportive and believes in you and all of this and you're responding to someone who literally has left you on read for seven days like pull yourself together please stop embarrassing yourself but you know what that leads us perfectly into step four which is overcome tests from the universe love that was my test that was your test exactly Exactly.

42:27The tests are really there to ask you kind of how worthy do you really think you are of this thing that you have said that you want? And so I think the test can come in many forms. So one of them, I say, I always give the example of dating is if you have this perfect person in mind and then you have somebody come into your life who's playing hot and cold. Are you going to stick around because you don't really believe you're worthy of the love that you deserve and desire? or are you able to say no I know I'm worth more than that and step away and I always think that exes often come back into your life just to just to test you just to test you and just before you're about to meet someone um because they come with that like familiarity um you know and it can be tempting to open the door back um back to the past but um tests also come in the form of challenges and rejection and you know I when I talk about manifesting you know I believe this is a life practice.

43:24So these seven steps really feed into everything that you do, which means they have to account for real life. And real life comes with its challenges. And it's, I mean, as you just said, you know, being an entrepreneur, you meet, you have faced many challenges every time, but what determines where you end up is how you persist through them and how you learn through them. And this is really my favorite step because it's allowed me to be so much more resilient and patient and okay with things going wrong. And I think that, you know, with everything that we that we go through, there's that great quote, isn't it?

43:59We grow through what we go through. And I think it really sums up this step so well. And it's about having bounce back. It's about knowing, you know, when people talk about positivity, and I think especially with manifesting, they talk about having a positive mindset. And yes, absolutely. It's about being able to have an abundant mindset about gratitude, which we'll speak about in the next step. But for me, positivity isn't feeling good all the time. Positivity is knowing that even on the dark days, better days are coming. And so this step really helps me to do that because I really believe, and I talk about it in the second book, Manifest Dive Deeper, about rock bottoms and leveling up.

44:35Every time you are going through a rock bottom or a really tough patch, just know that there is a leveling up on the other side and it's and it's actually exciting so whenever things go wrong i'm like there's something good coming and that's one of the things that i also think is really powerful about religion so i'm not religious and but i do i do get quite jealous of just do that no but i do get quite jealous of like how the parameters of religion like really do help people like be able to like keep faith and push through and like see things as tests and all of that and I don't believe that that is exclusively available to religion and I do think that like when people are able to like keep a really strong faith that it's all going to be okay and that something that's been sent is a test which is quite a religious thing I do very much like that that makes a lot of sense like even if you're not seeing it through a religious lens it feels quite I don't know it always feels appropriate because every time you think of it as that you're kind of like okay no just a moment to like prove myself and prove to myself again as you said that you deserve the things that you are going for absolutely and it builds resilience and and there really truly is always a lesson and i love the idea someone someone once said it to me is that um the universe will keep giving you tests until you learn what it's trying to teach you and i really believe that so yeah i love this step um we then move on to step five which is embrace gratitude and i think i call it the manifesting sweet spot which is knowing what you want whilst being entirely grateful for all that you already have.

46:06So gratitude is this really high vibrational emotion. I mean, all emotions have different vibrational frequencies and the law of attraction will say that we attract the frequency that we're giving out. And one of the easiest ways to raise our vibration is to be in an attitude of gratitude, to really feel that appreciation for all that we already have, to feel that we are already abundant. and one of my favorite practices in the book is a positivity journal so what happens when people do gratitude practices most often is they'll do three things before bed that they're grateful for and usually it's the same thing they'll say my health my family my roof over my head and then they do it for a few days they get bored and they stop so I figured I started a new practice which I did myself first and then put in the book and it's called a positivity journal so I ask people every night before bed to write down every single good thing that happened to them in chronological order.

46:59And I really encourage people to look for the ordinary, simple pleasures of life. So it might be, I woke up and the sun was shining. My coffee smelled good. Someone smiled at me on the way to work. I went to the gym when I said I would. I completed my assignment, whatever it is. And what you start to realize is that every day is filled with beautiful moments. And if you have a bad hour or a bad event at work. You know, it doesn't mean that you had a bad day. It's an isolated incident. And I think that what happens is we actually start to retrain our brain to focus on the good in our life and actually see all the amazing moments that otherwise we're not noticing.

47:39And, you know, it's something that I even do with my son, you know, since he could communicate, I'll always say to him, what was the best thing that happened today? And then I keep going and ask him what was something else or something else and you see he is the most positive little boy you know these practices really do work to change your mindset and change the way you see the world um and I think it's a part of the manifesting process that often gets missed yeah no absolutely and it makes a lot of sense and I think that you know I strongly believe that you get into success cycles and failure cycles and I strongly believe that a lot of that is based on how you see yourself and what you've done and I think that you can really easily get into a failure cycle when you over ruminate on the failure and you tell yourself again and again that yes that was a failure and you go kind of like more and more and more like that and you know it's part of that mindset thing that we talked about at the beginning but I also I saw this really great thing again on my favorite research paper tiktok that said it was it was something about like making time every day to make sure it was a good day so whether that is talking about all the good things that happened or even just like if you've had a shit day like what would make today a good day would it be you like i fucking do stupid dance workouts on youtube like that would literally put like i do them with my sister like that literally puts me in a good mood because we both look so stupid and it's just like it's fun or you play like I love a board game or like a game of cards like whatever it might be like what would make today a good day like how like genuinely if you were given two more hours before you went to sleep what would make today a good day and I really like that because I think it's so easy to let us categorize our days into good and bad and actually to over index towards bad because we generally have a negative bias anyway I love that I also love not calling them bad days but just saying today wasn't my favorite day i like that it's very political yeah it so is um so then we move on to step six which is turn envy into inspiration so envy i was talking about vibrational frequencies envy comes from this really low vibrational place that really reflects a scarcity mindset which is a mindset that there isn't enough to go around and the antithesis of this is inspiration inspiration says there's enough for us all it reflects an abundant mindset.

50:01So I think that especially when we're going towards our goals and we have these things that we want, you know, we're obviously going to be faced with other people that have already got there or who have the things that we want. And it's really important for us to be aware enough of when we're feeling triggered by envy, because I think that people often don't like to admit when they're feeling envious. You know, I do lots of live shows and I always say to people uh when i get to this step i say you know who in the audience feels gets jealous and about five people of a thousand put their hand up and i'm like you fucking liars like you everybody feels it and when we when we don't admit that we're envious or we're jealous what happens we pass it on as judgment so we'll be like oh that person's so cringe whereas actually we're probably just a bit envious that they're so able to show up as themselves without caring.

50:55Or if someone walks in a room and we're like, oh, they're so up themselves, probably we're just jealous of that confidence. So it's not too, it's really about being that self-aware, being able to acknowledge when we're feeling envious and then being able to transform it into inspiration. So when they walk into a room, instead of feeling that envy, it's, I can't wait till I can walk in a room and feel that confident. Or seeing people that are doing what you're doing and instead of being threatened by it, allowing them to show you what's possible. And that really puts you in a much more expansive mindset and a much more inspired place.

51:27And it just feels better. And then we go to the last step, which is step seven, and that's trust in the universe. So I think a mistake that people often make with the manifesting process is they become very desperate and they become obsessed with their goals. And for me, this kind of obsession and desperation really actually comes from that fear and doubt, which is the thing that's blocking us from having what we want. And I think you might know this experience. I know that I definitely do. But whenever I'm like a bit too desperate for something, I never call it in. Like it never happens. Whereas when I have that feeling of utter confidence and faith, I'm like, I know it's happening.

52:07It absolutely does. And so really this unwavering confidence, this faith, this ability to just trust the process, that is what is so magnetic and what ultimately kind of binds this whole process together. And so I always say to people, you know, when you want to strengthen this trust in the universe, look for signs that the universe is always listening. So when you're thinking about something or somebody and then they text you, or you're thinking about a song and then it comes on the radio as you enter a store, you know, whatever it is, look for these little coincidences and serendipitous moments and allow them to show you that the universe is listening it is watching what you're doing and is working for you even if it's just like a mindset thing of like it's not all or nothing it's not all about it happening right now it's not all about like the fact that I haven't reached exactly what I would this year and therefore might as well throw it all in the bin like it's not about that it's about coming back to this idea of like we've got time like we've got time and when it's meant to be it will be like perhaps currently I'm not in the mindset yet that I could receive that well and it would last or whatever it might be and I do think that's really important I'd love to ask based on the fact that we've spoken a lot about the misconceptions around manifestation what would you say to someone who says like that you can't just like manifest your way out of a bad situation?

53:31I think you absolutely can. I think that we are incredibly powerful. I think that our minds are powerful. I think that when you start to figure out what you want, you start to believe in yourself, you take action, you persist through challenges, you feel grateful for what you can feel grateful for, then inevitably you will start to feel better. It would be impossible not to. I always say, look, I challenge anyone to read this book and not feel better about their lives. Because I have been at rock bottom and use these steps to change my life in every way imaginable. And I am not the only one, you know, I see it every day.

54:13I see the power of it. I'm so lucky to be able to be on the receiving end of messages and, you know, stories of, you know, transformation. And I really believe everyone deserves to give it to themselves. You know, we only have one life and we do owe it to ourselves to make it the best that it can be. Yeah, and I think that is the perfect place to end. I think that it's so interesting because as I've said, I've not been someone who's openly believed in manifesting, I guess. And I believe that a lot of that has been based on the fact that I've misunderstood it, as you say, as kind of like a little genie wish.

54:53Yeah. Which actually, when you talk through it so clearly, the amount of kind of mindset work, like the amount of relational, like the amount this relates to a lot of like therapy tactics as well around like self-awareness and healing and like working through things and understanding where that feeling comes from and being able to reposition your mindset and all of these different things. I do just think it's very hard to go through all of those steps and not at the very least feel even just a little bit more in control of like why you're feeling a certain way and how to remove yourself from that yeah um and I feel like there have been too many times that I've actually used what would amount to manifesting though I haven't called it manifesting and it had a real impact on like even as I said just being like would the person that I've said I want to be react like that and then just not even just that I feel like is a big pointer to like no matter how deep you want to go into it and I think people can be quite resistant to different techniques like if they don't like if they have certain preconceptions of them or whatever it might be and I think being able to choose the level to which you dive into it and testing certain things and being able to be like oh yeah that did make me feel a little bit better or like I'd see why I feel like that now whatever it might be I do think is incredibly valuable so thank you so much I feel like we could do an episode for like seven hours seven hours for seven steps but thank you so much I know thank you so much Thanks for having me.

56:52Thank you.